You and Me
by cc1989
Summary: A different take on Olivia and Alex growing up, going through high school, college, law school and the academy. An explanation of how they end up the way they do, how they fell in love, out of love and into their jobs.
1. Chapter 1

Rating= M  
>Dislcaimer= I don't own these characters. So don't sue me, I'm really not making money off them.<br>A/N = So… this story is my take on how Olivia and Alex met and grew up, it'll start in high school with flashbacks to junior high, then go to college, law school/police academy, and then their jobs. Hope you enjoy.

_**You and Me**_

**Olivia - 7:25am**

She reached down to tie up her shoelaces. It was game day for the Cathedral High School Bears.

Taking a deep breath, Olivia Benson reveled in the adrenaline rush that came from her nervousness. She loved this feeling. She felt like she could just burst from excitement.

She thought back through the routines of her day. It was a Friday, and she woke up in time for school, checked her bag to make sure everything she needed was there. Pulling on her yellow t-shirt with blue lettering, she leaned into the mirror to look at herself. She grabbed a brush and hastily pulled it through her dark brown hair. Then she pulled it back into a ponytail so it wouldn't get in her way during the game. After she used the bathroom and brushed her teeth, she grabbed a banana and a yogurt from the fridge and took off out the door.

It wasn't necessary, she knew, to tell her mother she was leaving for school.  
>She would surely still be passed out from her drinking the night before. Just like she was every night.<p>

Olivia wished she could be like other kids, with normal parents who supported them and came to watch their basketball games. But then she realized that she could never survive the embarrassment of having her alcoholic mother attend one of her games. Who knows what she would say or do at a public event after having a few too many glasses of scotch.

**Alex - 7:25 am**

Across town, in an Central Park West apartment, Alexandra Cabot was also getting ready for the game. She put on her makeup, but not too much because she planned on sweating later that evening. She grabbed her red and silver game day shirt from her drawer and put it on.

A knock sounded at her door.

'Come in,' she said sweetly. She was in a good mood, it was game day and she had never been more ready.

Her mother entered, carrying a brown paper bag and a tray with breakfast on it.

Alex looked down at the tray filled with scrambled eggs, toast, oatmeal, and orange juice and smiled at the thoughtfulness of their cook, Mae.

'That was so sweet of Mae to make me breakfast. She didn't have to go through all this trouble.'

Her mother smiled back at her.

'Alexandra, dear, she made breakfast for you last week before your game and you were the high scorer. We've obviously got some voo-boo going on here.'

Alex laughed, her beautiful voice resonating throughout her bedroom.

'Mother, it's 'voo-doo'. And yes maybe we do. I'll make sure and tell her thank you when I go downstairs.'  
>'All right,' her mother said, standing to leave, ' Oh, and Alexandra,'<p>

Alex looked up from the bag she was rummaging through.

'I won't be able to make it to your game today, your father and I have that benefit gala for the Red Cross Association. '

Alex tried to hide her crestfallen face, but apparently she didn't do a good job.

'Don't be sad, dear, we'll be able to come to the next one.'  
>'Mother, this is the district championship, the most important game so far this season. This game decides seeding in the playoffs.'<p>

'I know, Alexandra dear, but we simply can't miss this gala. I'm sorry.'

With that, she leaned down and kissed Alex on the cheek and walked out of the room.

_Sorry. Hmph! She could care less about my games. She doesn't want me playing basketball at all._

It was true that her mother would prefer Alex to focus on her studies and stop wasting her time with this team sport nonsense.

Alex shook her head to clear her thoughts. _You've got to get your mind right for this game. It's like you said. The biggest game so far this season. And St. John's Prep finally has a chance to beat Cathedral._ She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to hold down the feeling of excitement that threatened to overcome her. She was a sophomore on varsity, moved up from the JV when a starter tore her ACL. It helped also that she was the leading scorer every game on the JV. So she was feeling the pressure to perform, without a doubt.

After nine consecutive years of losing basketball games to Cathedral, St. John's had built up its program and was looking at going all the way this year. Their team was young, but they had heart and were talented.

She ate her breakfast quickly and hurried out the door, stopping to kiss Mae on the cheek in thanks for the breakfast. Hugo, the family chauffeur, was waiting outside for her next to a black Mercedes sedan. She greeted him and slid into the car as he held the door open for her.

**Olivia - 8:05 am**

Olivia walked through the maze of people crowding the hallway of Cathedral high school. She wore her letterman sweater over her t-shirt. Maybe it was old-school, but it gave the team unity and had been a tradition for probably a hundred years for the athletes to wear their school sweaters.

At her locker, she spun the combination lock and pulled it open. Just as she reached for her geometry notebook, she felt someone standing behind her. She spun around to face whoever it was; she hated having her back to people.

It was Jessica, her teammate, a junior; she had dark hair, pulled back in a French braid with a blue headband. She also wore the letterman sweater.

'Oh. Hey Jessica. What's up?'

'Nothin', said Jessica, 'ready for the game tonight?'

'So ready,' said Olivia smiling confidently.

Jessica didn't return her smile.

'I don't know, Olivia. Did you read the St. John's versus Holy Trinity results in the paper? '

'No,' Olivia said, looking away. Her mother didn't subscribe to any papers. All the extra money in the house was dedicated to alcohol.

'They brought up a girl from the JV, a sophomore, just like you. She scored 23 points.'

Olivia raised her eyebrows.

'Wow. Why wasn't she on varsity to begin with?'

'Don't know. But all that matters is she'll be playing tonight against us. What do you think?'

'We'll be fine. I'll take it to her every time. Make her foul out. Besides, I know how to play defense.'

Jessica didn't look completely convinced.

'All right. Maybe Holy Trinity had a bad game, or maybe it was beginner's luck for the new girl. We'll see.'

Olivia grabbed her book and slammed her locker closed as Jessica walked away. She wasn't too worried. She was all-district as a freshman last year after all. But still, 23 points for a sophomore? She needed something to take her mind off of this new stud ball player. She looked around in the hallway and sought out a particular face among the senior boys standing along the wall.

She walked up to one right in the middle and smiled.

'Hey Sean,' she said. 'You guys are traveling to Queens to play tonight right?'

He nodded his head and the guy next to him, Justin, also wearing a letterman sweater, elbowed him in the ribs and raised his eyebrows suggestively at him.

Olivia ignored the immature boy, but she really needed a distraction. She grabbed Sean's hand and pulled him along the hall, smiling back at him as she went.

RIIIIINNNGGG

_Oops, the bell for 1__st__ period. Oh well, we'll say we had a meeting or something._

She led Sean to the basement. No one ever went down there except to check the boilers and she knew it was the perfect place to be alone.

At the bottom of the stairs, Olivia pushed him up against the wall and kissed him. He tasted like chewing gum, which was nice, but his lips felt like they were too small. He too quickly thrust his tongue into her mouth, deepening the kiss. Growing brave, his hands roamed up and down her back, squeezed her ass through her school uniform khakis.

She didn't mind him touching her. Other boys had kissed her and she had even gone as far as letting them put their frantic, thrusting fingers inside her. It felt good, not great, but she got off most of the time by putting her mind somewhere else.

His kisses trailed down her throat and his hands came around front to grasp her breasts. He pulled her body up against his and she felt the hardness of his erection.

She pulled away from him then, looking into his lust-filled eyes and realizing at that moment that she hardly knew him. She was just using him for pleasure. Something clicked in her mind and she realized: this didn't feel right.

Pushing away from him, she ran up the stairs and hurried to her class. She left him standing in the basement stunned and confused. She opened the door and slipped into her desk towards the back of the class; her teacher said nothing of her disheveled look or tardiness. Olivia was a bright student and took care of business. No need to fuss over something as trivial as this. Olivia also had an innate ability to charm her teachers. She could never put her finger on it, but maybe it was her combination of sweetness, sarcasm, and sass. Teachers let her get away with too much.

She couldn't focus on math, however, her mind was all over the place. Never before had she had such hesitant feelings toward a boy before. So much for distractions, she thought glumly, doodling basketballs on her paper.

**Alex – 8:06 am**

Alex pushed open the doors to St. John's Prep. It was a nice school, freshly renovated with state of the art technology and beautiful architecture. God knows her parents spent enough to send her there.

_It's not like it puts a dent in their wallets though,_ she thought to herself.

It was a difficult thing, being a Cabot. One had to balance to niceties of the expected behavior with humility. It was hard for her to be grateful and humble about her life when she had never wanted for anything. Sometimes she wished she was normal, not rich and privileged like all of her classmates. Snobs, all of them. Always looking down on kids from other schools because they didn't have the resources to attend the highly esteemed St. John's Prep. She kept her mouth shut when her teammates bad mouthed other teams; she never spoke up, but she certainly wasn't going to join in.

It was hard for her as a sophomore in a large school to make friends. Her parents had moved her only this past summer from Connecticut, where most of the Cabot clan resided. Her father needed to be closer to Wall Street, closer to his investments, or so he said. Alex rolled her eyes at the thought. She didn't leave behind much, she had long since lost her down-to-earth friends who didn't care about money, only about sports and music and regular things. She thought of those friends quite often. One friend in particular she thought of the most.

She grew up with a group of girls from her neighborhood. They did everything together. Until they got to junior high that is.  
>She and one of the girls in their group, Quen, began in about 7th grade, to hang out without the rest of the girls. Alex never knew if it was a mutual attraction or just a phase they were both going through, but they grew more and more affectionate towards each other. Neither of them had kissed a boy yet; naturally they giggled about it with the other girls, made bets about who would be first to get their first kiss.<p>

About midway through their eighth grade year, it happened.

Neither of them planned on what happened one afternoon, alone in Quen's bedroom. They were laughing, both sitting on the floor, looking at embarrassing old pictures when one of them initiated a wrestling match.  
>Tension was building between them. Alex couldn't remember who started it, but she did vividly remember Quen climbing on top of her, pinning her arms to the ground. Alex's blue eyes met Quen's light brown ones and they stared at each other for a split second, breathing hard from the exertion. Alex, before she could stop herself, spoke first.<p>

'Do it.'

Quen raised any eyebrow at her, knowing what she meant, but unsure of herself. She must have found courage somewhere, though because she leaned down slowly and pressed her soft lips against Alex's.

Alex's stomach lurched at the thought of this moment, all of those memories she worked hard to forget flooded back to her.

After that first kiss, their relationship grew in secret. They learned from each other, exploring, discovering. There was no way either girl could tell their parents. Such strict parents who mainly cared about outward appearances would never allow a relationship like this one to continue.

Before the end of that year, however, something happened. Alex didn't know what it was, but she and Quen started drifting apart. Maybe Quen grew tired of hiding, tired of their fights. They were young and in love, or so Alex believed at the time, and they were jealous. Jealous of the time spent away from one another, jealous of any person the other one spoke to. Alex understood now why Quen wanted out, they were immature and not ready for that type of relationship, but she was heartbroken nonetheless.

She spent her freshman year pretty much alone. After she and Quen had alienated themselves from their group, the rest of the girls had had enough of being ditched and ignored. Alex had burned her bridges and now that Quen had moved on, she had no one.

So when her father informed her that they would be moving to New York City, she didn't object. She was happy, actually. Excited for a fresh start.

As she sat in her first class, not paying attention to lessons about the geography of Africa, she realized that she had matured quite a bit in the two years since her first relationship ended. She kept her emotions and heart carefully guarded now, weary of letting anyone in close.

Alex thought about the mandatory church services St. John's required every student to attend each day. Back in Connecticut, her family only attended church on the big holidays, Christmas and Easter usually.

Now that she went to mass every day, she listened closely to the sermons about sex before marriage and homosexuality. She felt guilty about the things she had done, believing that it wasn't what God had in mind for her life. But even through that guilt, she had doubts about the things the nuns taught. Trying to research for herself what was right and what was wrong in the Bible, she wasn't satisfied with an Old Testament view of what she had experienced. If this thing is written and translated by men..humans, then it can have mistakes, can't it? She learned then how to research things for herself and to develop an opinion about what she had found. Still, the guilt for some reason was hard to shake off.

She tried to suppress the feelings she had, struggled to tell herself not to stare too long at girls walking past her. It was difficult to hide this part of herself. How could she be normal and try to flirt with boys when she identified more with them? She was nervous around girls and couldn't help but think about what it would feel like to touch their hands, to taste their lips. She missed Quen and kept a picture that they had taken of themselves secretly kissing behind one of the huge pine trees in Alex's backyard. It was December and the background was snowy and beautiful. Alex pulled it out to look at it when she was alone.

And she cried herself to sleep sometimes.

Pulling herself back to the present, she tried to focus on the geography lesson. She was too riled up though, so she sat back and daydreamed about the basketball game. She was glad she had something as stable as basketball to take her mind off of everything wrong in her life.

**Olivia-5:20 pm**

Olivia walked into the gym that evening, she breathed in the smell of the hardwood. This gym was her safe haven, her escape from her poor excuse for a home life. The competition was what she thrived on, looked forward to. Looking up at the banners on the wall, she closed her eyes, seeing herself holding a state championship trophy. As competitive as any player he'd ever seen, Olivia's coach, Coach Fisher, was impressed by her dedication and leadership.

She walked across the court and opened the door to the locker room to put on her jersey.

**Alex - 5:30 pm**

Alex followed her teammates in the front door of Cathedral's gymnasium.

She was excited. She was also nervous, being a young member of the team put a lot of pressure on her.

Alex rolled her eyes when she heard her teammates laughing at the run down entryway. The school's gym did look like it hadn't been updated since the 1950s.

She had heard enough from the snotty girls walking behind her. Turning around, she snapped at them.  
>'Maybe their gym looks bad, but what matters is that they have tradition. 15 state championships speak for themselves. That's more than our school can say. '<p>

The girls went quiet, glaring at Alex.

_Great, _she thought_. So much for team bonding._

Warm-up did not go well for her, everyone threw her bad passes and sometimes stepped in front of her in line. She tried her best not to think about it, but it made her upset not to have anyone on her side.

Alex looked over at Cathedral, warming up at the opposite goal. It was difficult, she knew, to decide who were the best players in warm up, but that never stopped her from trying. This time, one girl caught her eye.

She was tall, but not so tall that she wasn't athletic. Her hair was dark brown and short, but just long enough to be pulled back in a small ponytail.

Her deltoid muscles were defined and they rippled when she shot the ball. Her calves weren't bad either, they were the only part of the girl's legs she could see. But the one thing that Alex couldn't take her eyes off of were the girls' hands. They were big hands with long, deft fingers. Those fingers looked strong.

WHOOMPH

'Shit!' she exclaimed quietly. One of her teammates, Sarah, had thrown her the ball, knowing Alex wasn't looking. It hit her full in the stomach and brought her back to reality, away from admiring, _no! checking out.. no! scoping out, yes that's better,_ #40 on the other team.

**Olivia – 6:28 pm**

Before the game, and before they sang the national anthem, the announcer called out every player's name and number. Olivia listened carefully for the new sophomore's name.

"Sophomore, #21, Alexandra Cabot," the announcer said. Olivia tuned out the rest of the player's names as she focused on the girl. Her coach called their team together, and they talked a bit of strategy before tip-off.

The game began, and Olivia naturally was guarding their best player.

Olivia sized her up as she dribbled down the court, lithe and blonde, she was deceptively athletic. She was graceful but quick, and Olivia found herself trailing behind the girl when she blew past her into the lane. Olivia watched as the girl made an easy layup.

Coach Fisher stomped his feet on the sideline.

'Benson! What are you doing? Play some defense!'

Olivia took the ball out and passed it in to Jessica. Jessica passed it back to her when she got inbounds and she brought the ball up the court. Their plan was to run their motion offense with cutters running towards the basket. Things didn't go their way, however when St. John's got into a 2-3 zone and they had no way to penetrate in the lane.

The St. John's girls were quick, and a surefire way to beat a zone is to reverse the ball quickly, beat the defense's rotation. So cathedral reversed the ball, but Alex Cabot, Olivia thought to herself, where did she come from? She's so fast!

Cathedral needed to score, so Olivia pulled up for a jump-shot right in Alex's face.

SWISH

Olivia smiled in satisfaction. The game continued on like that, with both teams scoring back and forth on one another, neither really pulling ahead. Olivia did notice that Alex played tight defense. She was physical and obviously wasn't afraid to be up close and personal. Olivia found herself playing harder against this girl. She didn't want another sophomore like herself to have the upper hand.

When she posted up down low, Olivia pressed her backside into Alex's front, pinning her to get position. The feel of the thin, muscular girl wasn't unpleasant, she thought vaguely to herself. Alex's hands pushed back against her as she fought to stay in front of the stronger brunette. Olivia got the ball, spun around and gave a shot-fake before dribbling around a surprised Alex to the basket. Before she could get her shot off, though, Alex reached up and slapped at the ball, making contact with Olivia's hand. The force of the foul knocked Olivia to the ground and she slid to the wall.

Alex reached down and held a hand out to the fallen player.

'Sorry about that,' she said. 'You okay?'

Their eyes met and Olivia couldn't speak. For some reason, she couldn't think of anything at all to say.

She just nodded her head and walked to the foul line to shoot her free throws. She never had thoughts about girls before that; her brow furrowed at what she had just experienced.

The ref bounced her the ball, and she dribbled twice at the foul line. She tried to clear her head, but she couldn't focus. Her shot deflected off the rim.

_Damn_, she thought. She rarely missed free throws, but her focus had been shot to hell. She shook her head, trying to rid it of thoughts not pertaining to basketball. The next shot was closer, but she still missed.

**Alex – 7:20 pm**

By the fourth quarter, they were tied, 52-52. One of Alex's teammates had the ball and was hesitating. She and the other three girls tried to avoid passing Alex the ball. They hated that she could score and was a much better ball player than themselves. But Alex was the only one open, so she had no choice.

**Olivia – 7:20 pm**

Olivia was guarding Alex as the seconds ticked down. 32 seconds left in the game. She was giving Alex space after having been burned several times playing too closely to the quick guard.

Coach Fisher was jumping up and down screaming. 'Benson! You want to win this game! Get in her shorts!'

Olivia knew he was talking about defense, but the sudden image of her hand down the blonde girl's shorts as she pushed her up against the wall in the locker room, fusing their lips together, shocked her and she froze.

Alex took advantage of Olivia's momentary lack of focus and drove the lane again with 5 seconds left. Just as Olivia caught up to guard her, Alex pulled up for a jump shot. The ball sank through the hoop. The seconds ticked down and Cathedral couldn't get the ball down the court.

The buzzer sounded and St. Johns had finally beat cathedral 54-52.

Olivia was perplexed at her own performance and was shocked that they had actually lost. Now they would be playing a tougher team first round in the playoffs.

_  
><strong>Alex – 7:35 pm<strong>

Alex was ecstatic. She had scored the game winning points. Hell, she had scored the majority of the points anyway. Her teammates acted happy, but Alex could tell that their celebrations were half-hearted. They liked to win, but not at the hands of the social outcast, Alex Cabot.

Changing out of her uniform, Alex's good mood didn't last long as she remembered that she had no one to celebrate the end of the game with: her parents hadn't come. They would be at that damned gala, and she would be home by herself.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N – **The majority of this part of the story is about Alex, I'll focus more on Olivia later. Hope you enjoy. And as for the M rating…. It'll get better later on, promise.

**You and Me Part 2 – (Dirty Little Secret)**

**Who has to know?  
>The way she feels inside<br>Those thoughts I can't deny  
>These sleeping dogs won't lie<br>And now I try to lie  
>It's eating me apart<br>Trace this life back**

**Alex**

The next week was bittersweet for Alex. She was overjoyed at their win over Cathedral, but the fact that no one acknowledged she was even on the team was depressing her. Trying to keep her chin up, she passed by her teammate, Ashley, and gave her a smile. Ashley didn't smile back. In fact, she gave Alex a sneering, malicious look. Alex was confused. She understood that Ashley didn't like her and that she was jealous of Alex's playing ability, but what the hell? Why the mean look?

Alex's day didn't get better after that.

She made it to her class and sat down at her regular seat. A couple sitting in back snickered at something, and, paranoid now, Alex cringed and just knew it was about herself. What had she done wrong?

Mr. Ashbury walked in the classroom with his leather briefcase and sat it down on his desk. He was a well-liked teacher, if only for his looks, Alex wasn't sure. He was tall and handsome, with dark hair and a chiseled jawline. His blue eyes were striking and many of the girls mooned over him. Alex didn't pay much attention to his looks, just his teaching ability. And he was a decent English teacher, guiding them through the ins and outs of literature. She had learned more in his class than she had any other English class back in Connecticut.

He turned to the board and wrote Plato's _Symposium._ He told the students about this work and elaborated on some of its finer points.

He looked back at the class and said, 'Plato discusses homosexuality between females. He talks about how the women would prefer to be with other women than to have a male partner. This was a social abnormality. While there were relationships similar to _pederasty, _or 'boy love', between older females and younger ones before they matured and married a man, the abnormality of the relationship between two mature women was ridiculed in society.'

Mr. Ashbury looked at the class as he spoke. Alex could feel her face turning red.

Ashley, from the back of the room, snickered into her hand. Alex shot her a look.

'Can anyone give me their thoughts on this?' Mr. Ashbury asked.

Alex wasn't afraid to speak in class, and she had plenty of opinions on Sapphic love and even Plato for that matter, but before she could open her mouth, a girl's voice called out from the back. Ashley again. 'Mr. Ashbury, this is a sensitive subject, but because of my devout faith, I believe all homosexuals will be going to hell.'

Several kids in the class nodded their heads and murmured their agreements.

_Are they really all as archaic as that?_ Alex thought to herself.

Alex was confused. This topic of conversation was not in the syllabus, and she had no idea where it was coming from.

She wasn't going to let that comment go, however. Speaking up, she asked,

'So even if a gay person believes fully in God, they'll go to hell for loving someone of the same sex? Isn't our God a loving God?'

Ashley smirked at her. Oh, what Alex would have given to slap that self-righteous smile right off her face.

'Well, well Cabot, why are you acting so defensive?'

Alex started to say something back, when Mr. Ashbury cut her off.

'Now girls, this is not the time for altercations. Now is the time for exploring literature.'

Everyone reluctantly returned their attention back to him, and he spoke again.

'Everyone knows that women are sometimes tempted into the Sapphic ways of loving one another instead of allowing their true selves to come forward. They are simply hiding the part of themselves that is just waiting for the right man to come along. If they deny this part of themselves long enough, they might miss the opportunity to meet the one God has sent for them.'

Several of her classmates listened intently, and some nodded their heads again in agreement.

Alex's mouth hung open. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Was he even allowed to talk about this sort of thing? Alex wanted to badly to speak up and refute this idiot's spiel about a lesbian simply needing the right man to turn her back. But what could she say when everyone in the class it seemed had the same opinions.

Mr. Ashbury continued to talk and write key words about the story on the board for the remainder of the class. Before the bell rang, he instructed the class to write an essay about the topic described in class, outlining arguments for or against laws banning homosexuality.

When the bell finally rang, to Alex's relief, she could get out of her now least favorite class. As she walked past his desk, however, Mr. Ashbury spoke quietly to her.

'Alexandra, could you stay for a moment after class please?'

He was looking down at his papers, and Alex couldn't read the expression on his face. She couldn't tell whether he was angry or not over what she said earlier. She stood awkwardly next to his desk, shuffling her feet. When all of the students had filed out the room, he spoke.

'Alex, you're lagging behind on your grades this six weeks.'

She looked confused.

'That's not possible, Mr. Ashbury. I've turned in every assignment and none of them have been late. I've never made less than an A.' She looked completely somber and serious then. 'In any class.'

Mr. Ashbury cleared his throat, 'Well, Ms. Cabot, it's not that. It's just that the contents of your recent essays have not been what I'm looking for. You can do better. You have potential to be an excellent writer if you would apply yourself.'

_This is insane,_ thought Alex. _But, after all, he is in control of my grade._

'What can I do to improve?' she asked.

He looked happy that she asked. 'Come in early for tutoring. I know you've got basketball after school, so we won't worry about cutting into your practice time.'

Alex felt uneasy. 'Do you do this for all of your students, Mr. Ashbury?'

He looked into her eyes and a creeping feeling spread through her stomach. 'Only the ones who I know need the most help and guidance.'

Her brow furrowed, she was still confused. 'Guidance? You mean guidance in my writing skills?'

'No, no,' he said with a smile. 'Don't worry about it today. We'll talk about it tomorrow during tutoring. Seven o' clock. Now run along and have a good day.'

Alex definitely had a bad feeling.

The next morning, Alex showed up for school at 6:50, in time for her tutoring with Mr. Ashbury. As she moved through the school, she didn't hear anyone in the office or in any of the classroom. She passed by a janitor once but he apparently was the only person at school.

She walked in his classroom and looked around. He wasn't there yet. She sat down in the front row and waited. Right at seven o' clock, he turned the corner into his room and smiled widely at her.

'Oh good, you're here on time.'

She looked back at him, not wanting to smile and be cordial with him. She resented being told her essay's content wasn't good enough.

'Let's get started,' he said, walking around his desk to stand in front of her, leaning on his desk. She didn't like him standing over her, it gave him the illusion of power.

'First, tell me about yourself, since you're a fairly new student, I didn't see you around last year. I want to get to know you a little better.'

'What would you like to know,' she asked dryly. 'I play basketball and I focus on my studies.'

'And does that leave you any time for friends?'

'Well, I'm new like you said, so I haven't had a chance to make many besides my basketball team.'

'Hmmm.'

'Can we skip to the tutoring, please Mr. Ashbury?'

'No, Ms. Cabot, this is important.'

She stared at him, waiting for the next question.

'So,' he said. 'No boyfriend then, I'm guessing?'

She shook her head. _Where was he going with all this?_

'You didn't leave one behind in Connecticut?'

She shook her head again, and she added, as an afterthought 'And I don't really see how that's any of your business.'

'Oh it is my business now,' he said with a small smile. He reached around behind him and picked something up from his desk. Alex couldn't see what it was.

'Yesterday morning, your teammate, Ashley, came to me with a photograph she happened to find. She's concerned about what's in the photograph and frankly, she came to just the right person.'

Alex's eyes widened. _Surely not_, she thought.

She almost reached down to her bag to check her zippered compartment, but thought better of it.

'What picture?' she asked, not wanting to believe that he had what she thought he had.

'Look for yourself,' he said, flipping the picture around so that she could get a good look at it.

_Shit._

It was definitely her picture. Her secret picture of herself and Quen, kissing in the snow. How could she deny this? A sinking feeling replaced her feeling of uneasiness in the pit of her stomach.

She tore her eyes away from her picture and looked at Mr. Ashbury.

'Do your parents know about you, Alex?'

She said nothing, she was furious that Ashley had rummaged through her things and found her dearest photograph.

'As good as an answer,' he said with a nod. 'In that case, I'm going to talk to you more in depth about the dangerous position you've been putting your mortal soul in.'

Alex almost stood up right then and walked out. But she was stuck to her seat. He had just as good as threatened to tell her parents. She wasn't ready for that. Not now. Not like this.

'Honestly, all you need is a man in your life. Something must have happened along the way, perhaps your father was gone too often on business trips. . .' _She thought of herself gazing out her bedroom window as a young girl, wishing her father would hurry up and come home _. . . 'Or maybe some boy said something to you once to make you decide to dislike all boys. . . _she again thought of a time when this had happened._ . . Or maybe,' he said, leaning down towards her. 'A man, a relative maybe, touched you inappropriately, and he made you hate men.'

Now Alex scooted back in her desk as far as she could to get away from him. He didn't look as handsome right now as she had originally thought. His breath smelled sour, like coffee, and his eyes were predatory. She felt threatened, her hands were sweaty and her heart began to beat faster. It didn't matter now what he was saying, although she had originally wanted to argue with him; now she just wanted to get away.

'What you really need,' he said, now reaching down and placing his hand on her thigh. 'Is the right man to show you what it truly means to be loved.'

Alex shivered when a chill ran through her body. The fact that he, a teacher at least ten years older than herself, was now touching her scared her.

Someone coughed in the hallway, and she let out the breath she had been holding. He removed his hand and stood up. 'I'll see you tomorrow at the same time.'

Her heart filled with dread as she thought of coming back tomorrow to sit through another half hour of this horrible man speaking to her and touching her.

She grabbed her bag and hurried out of the classroom.

_I won't let him do this to me tomorrow. I'll speak up to the bastard and stop him._

She felt unsure of herself, however. And she felt guilty, dirty somehow from what he said to her.

At basketball practice that afternoon, she was off her game. She kept stealing glances at Ashley, worried the girl would give her secret away. And she already knew how the people at her school reacted towards gay people. In the locker room afterwards, Alex was unlacing her shoes when Ashley walked past her.

'Hey Ashley, hold on a sec. Could I speak with you?'

Ashley hesitated. She looked about ready to flee, but she waited, curious as to what Alex had to say.

Alex shut her locker and picked up her bag. Everyone else had left the locker room.

'So how did you get your hands on my picture?'

Ashley managed to look confused. _Something not difficult for her,_ Alex thought.

'What picture?' she asked innocently.

'Don't play stupid with me. Mr. Ashbury told me you brought it to him.'

Ashley nodded her head, remembering now.

'Oh THAT picture. The one of you making out with your lesbian lover.'

Alex looked pissed but said nothing, waiting for Ashley to finish.

'I just happened to find it lying around.'

'Like hell you did. You went through my bag and found it. It's none of your business. And why would you take it to Mr. Ashbury of all people?'

Ashley smiled sweetly, her face dripping with malice. 'I knew he would be the perfect mentor for you. The perfect one to set you, ahem, straight.'

'You bitch,' said Alex quietly.

'Ah ah ahhh,' taunted Ashley. 'I'm holding your dirty little secret over your head. So be careful what you say to me unless you want everyone to find out what you really are. The girls in here won't be happy when they hear about a scary lesbo watching them undress.'

Alex wanted to hit her. But Ashley was right. She wasn't ready to be outed. She was stuck.  
>_<p>

Alex didn't know what to do. For two more days after that first tutoring session, Alex continued to endure speeches about her sinful ways. She already felt guilty and confused enough, and this was only making it worse. But what could she do? She was trapped.

So on Thursday, she went to Mr. Ashbury's class again, preparing herself for more verbal abuse.

_At least he hasn't touched my leg again since that first time,_ she thought to herself.

He walked in the room, and Alex sat quietly in her seat. He looked different today, almost antsy. His eyes were gleaming with excitement.

'Well Alex, I have some bad news and some good news. Which would you like first?'

Alex shrugged, not wanting to speak to him at all.

'The bad news I suppose.'

'Okay. The bad news is that I have a meeting this morning and we won't be able to continue our tutoring session.'

Alex almost smiled.

'And the good news?'

'The good news is that we're going to continue this session at my apartment. Here's the address,' he handed her a slip of paper. 'I'll expect you there after your basketball practice, at 7:30.'

Her mouth almost hung open in shock. Surely he was joking. This was going too far. When she didn't say anything back to him, he took her silence for compliance and nodded his head.

'Alright. That's settled then. And I've got to go to my meeting now. See you later, Alexandra.'

He winked at her as he left the class. She cringed every time he said her name. She hated the sound of it coming out of his mouth. Standing up, she left his classroom as quickly as she could.  
><em>This was bad. Really bad, <em>she thought to herself as she walked down the hall towards the cafeteria to wait for school to start. She needed to weigh her options. She sat down at a table and thought about it.

_How many people know about me? Mr. Ashbury and Ashley._

_And what's to stop them from just telling everyone or my parents at any time? For Ashley, who knows. But as for Mr. Ashbury, my compliance will stop him._

_But isn't this blackmail?_

_In the worst way, yes._

She made a decision, then and there. And as her mind got used to the idea of her decision, a plan began to form up there.

_Yep,_ she thought. _That's what I've got to do._

**Olivia**

Olivia sat in front of the TV, wondering how many commercials a show could possibly squeeze into an hour long episode.

She heard the lock turning in the door and she rolled her eyes.

_Damn. She's home early._

The door to the apartment flew open and her mother strode in, looking a bit rough around the edges. Her hair was mussed and an unidentifiable liquid was spilled on her coat. She heard her mother rummaging around in the kitchen, clanking what sounded like empty bottles together.

'Hey mom,' she called out. 'You got off work early?'

'Obviously.' her mother yelled back. 'Olivia. You haven't been drinking my liquor have you?'

'No, I haven't. I'm in the middle of basketball season.'

'I know there was more in here yesterday. I just know it.'

'You must have forgotten how much you drank last night,' said Olivia, knowing she shouldn't push her mother's buttons.

'Don't start with the attitude, Olivia,' she said as she walked into the living room with a tall glass of vodka and some small amount of mixer.

'I don't have an attitude, mom. I have a problem with your drinking. You have a problem too, but you won't get help.'

Her mother sneered at her and took a long drink.

'I don't have a problem and I don't need help, you little bitch. What I need is for you to get out of my face.'

'Fine,' Olivia said standing up and putting her wallet in her back pocket. 'I'll just go.'

'Good. I'm sick of seeing your face. His face.'

That was too much for Olivia and she stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door.

She walked along the streets, cooling off. It made her feel like shit when her mother would say things like that to her. _Why did she have to bring _him_ up? What good did it do?_

**Alex**

Alex was done being a victim. She was finished playing along with Ashbury's sick game, and she was ready to regain some control over her life. But she would have to be brave to do this. She had always admired people with courage.

So after basketball practice, she looked at her watch. 6:30. It would take her 20 minutes to get to Ashbury's apartment, as he lived in the Bronx. So she climbed down the subway steps, boarded the 2 train and waited for the Burke Avenue stop. She stepped out of the subway into the street and made her way towards the address he had given her. At 7:00, she stopped at a small store and bought a can of pepper spray, just in case.

She pushed the buzzer outside his apartment. A few seconds later, a voice came through the intercom.

It was Ashbury. He told her to come upstairs.

'Alexandra,' he said. 'Well. I guess we better get started with our tutoring session.'

He moved towards her, capturing her face with his hand. He certainly didn't waste any time.

'Wait,' she said, pleading with him. 'Don't you know that I'm only fifteen years old, that you're breaking the law having me here?'

'Maybe so,' he said, smiling. 'But I've figured something out about you. You're scared shitless. And you'll never tell your parents about your _unfortunate_ _predispositions_. So I've got you in the perfect position. You're going to do exactly as I tell you to do. Now put your hands on me Alexandra. '

His hands moved around her body and pulled her towards him. This was what she was afraid of.

He knew she was hesitant, and he thought that she wasn't sure what she wanted. So he took control; he pressed up against her, and she felt his hardness against her hip bone as his hands trailed down her arms.

Alex felt him pushing against her, and she felt like throwing up. She held it in. She had had enough. Pushing away from him slightly, she grabbed his shoulders and kneed him forcefully in the groin. Her solid quad muscle made contact with his testicles and he doubled over in pain.

Fuck!' he cried out as the air rushed out of his lungs and his stomach seized up with cramps. Alex glimpsed out of the corner of her eye a pair of handcuffs on Ashbury's barstool. She didn't plan on giving him enough time to use them, though. As he was on the ground, trying to regain some strength from her previous attack, she bent down and punched him right on the nose. He lunged out towards her, but she had the advantage of adrenaline and quickness on her side. She dodged him and he fell to the ground, bleeding from his nose. She hurried to the door and opened it, letting herself out into the hallway. Reaching into her bag as she ran, she switched off the tape recorder she had hidden there.

Tears streaming down her face, she stumbled through the hall and down the stairs. She flung the door open and dashed out into the street and directly into a solid, unyielding body.

'Ooomph!' gasped the person she had collided with. They both tumbled to the ground, Alex landing on top of a very muscular yet very female body.

'God, I'm so sorry,' she said, almost choking out the words.

The girl stood up and dusted herself off; her hair was dark but Alex couldn't see her face, it was hidden in the shadows. She held a hand out to Alex. Before Alex could take it, the girl's eyes grew wide with recognition.

'Well if it isn't Alexandra Cabot. This is the second time in a week that you've knocked me over.'

Alex grabbed the offered hand that helped her to her feet. She got a closer look at the girl's face.

_#40 from Cathedral._

'You play for Cathedral, right?'

'Yep. I'm Olivia Benson.'

'That's right, #40. I remember.' Alex wiped a hand across her wet face and glanced nervously up at Ashbury's building.

'Listen, I've got to go. I need to get home,' Alex said, her eyes flitting around, sure that she would see him lurking in the shadows.

'Is something wrong? You running from somebody?'

Alex appreciated the girl's concern for her, but she was more concerned with the man she was sure was right behind her, reaching out to grab her at any moment.

'No time to talk. I've just got to go.'

'Wait. Can't I help you?' Olivia's eyes were dark, but they held concern and worry for the disheveled and tearful girl in front of her.

Alex hesitated. She needed to get away from here fast, but she didn't know the neighborhood well and didn't feel safe walking to the subway station alone. She made a decision.

'Take me somewhere,' she said firmly.

**A/N – don't fret! There will be more!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N - **here's another update, trying to move the story along. Patience, my friends.

**You and Me Part 3 – (Collide)**

**Even the best fall down sometimes  
>Even the wrong words seem to rhyme<br>Out of the doubt that fills my mind  
>I somehow find you and I<br>Collide**

**Olivia - Thursday**

When the blonde came flying out of that apartment building and slammed right into her, Olivia was pissed at first.

People needed to watch where they were going. Seriously.  
>But then she realized who it was that had knocked her down.<p>

Alex Cabot.

For some reason, she suddenly didn't mind so much having the breath knocked out of her.

She tried to be funny and charming, but the girl looked distraught. Olivia was concerned for her and gladly led her away from whatever it was that had frightened her. She was surprised that Alex had not decided to just leave, so she nodded her head and they walked down the street. They turned right at the corner and continued walking for several blocks. They didn't speak as they walked, but Alex kept looking behind them, still terrified. She decided to take Alex to a diner, where it was busy but not too loud. It was only 8:00, so the dinner crowd would still be out and about. Olivia opened the door for her and followed Alex inside.

'Is this okay?' asked Olivia.

Alex nodded. They went inside and looked around. There were seats open at the counter so they weaved their way past the booths and tables and sat down. It was crowded, but Alex didn't seem to mind; she looked nervous with or without all the people.

'You hungry?' she asked, looking at Alex.

Alex looked back at her. They looked into each other's eyes. Olivia couldn't figure out what it was she saw in them, fear or anxiety? Alex looked away. She shook her head no and fidgeted her hands on top of the counter.

'Okay,' said Olivia. She motioned for the waitress to come over. 'We'll just have two waters and an order of French fries. Oh and a small dish of ice cream.'

The waitress turned away and she smiled at Alex.

'Ice cream always makes me feel better.'

Alex wanted to smile, she really did. But she started trembling instead. She was in shock.

'Hey, it's okay,' said Olivia, and she put a reassuring hand on Alex's arm. She was unsure of how much she should touch the girl; she didn't want to make it worse. 'You're safe now."

The waitress brought out the waters and Alex took a drink. Her hands shook as she gulped down the water. Olivia noticed her shaking but didn't know what to say. She sensed that Alex just wanted some company.

The french fries came out and Alex hesitated for a second before she grabbed one. Then she ate one after the other. She dipped them in ketchup and ate them two and three at a time.

'Not hungry, huh?' joked Olivia.

Alex finally smiled. Olivia was relieved. It looked like the girl was feeling a little better. _The ice cream will definitely help_, she thought.

They shared the ice cream and Alex relaxed little by little. She looked like she was ready to talk a little bit now. Olivia spoke up first.

'So who do you play the first round of playoffs next week?'

Alex's brow furrowed, like she hadn't even thought about it. Then she remembered. Her blue eyes lit up. Olivia couldn't help but stare into them, she got lost in their depths.

'We play the Academy of Good Counsel. And you play tomorrow right?'

She managed to pull herself out of the bottomless pools that were Alex's eyes and she said, 'yeah, against St. Mary's of Lancaster. We weren't lucky enough to have the week off like you guys do. It's nice to be the district champions.'

'Well, we haven't it won in about 10 years, so yes, it is nice.'

Olivia laughed. They talked a bit more and when they finished, Olivia laid a ten dollar bill on the counter, declining Alex's offers to split the cost.

'You can buy mine next time,' she said with a hopeful smile.

'Definitely,' said Alex, standing up and grabbing her bag. 'Would you mind walking me to the nearest subway station?'

Olivia stood up and handed Alex her coat. She put her own on and stepped towards the door.

'Not at all. Let's go.'

When they got to the subway station, Alex didn't feel quite as scared. She had rationalized in her mind what the situation was. Ashbury didn't know she had the tape recorder and he had every reason to believe she still wouldn't tell anyone.

Smiling, she thought of the power her family had and of the number of judges and lawyers in her extended family. She was going to stop him, she was tired of being terrorized and blackmailed. All she had to do was tell her parents. _Simple enough, right? Right._ . .

A soft touch landed on her arm, and she jerked back to reality and stared into Olivia's eyes.

'Sorry,' Olivia said, apologizing for startling her. 'But here's the station.'

Alex nodded and rummaged around for her metro card.

When she found it she looked back at Olivia. 'Thank you,' she said.  
>And Olivia smiled. 'For what? Oh, and good luck with your game.'<br>And with that she turned and walked down the street towards her apartment.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

When she finally reached her apartment, Alex nodded to the doorman and went inside the lobby. She had never liked the inside of this apartment building. It was too gaudy, too much like Louis XI of France or whoever's palace. The marble floors were intimidating and the furnishings were antiques, rich reds and golds. All of it looked expensive, like she would be in serious trouble if she touched any of it.

She rode up the elevator alone, and at the top floor, she took a deep breath before entering the apartment. Now was the moment of truth, she had to come clean to her parents. She worried about how they would react. She would have to explain not only the attempted assault by Mr. Ashbury, but also the blackmail he was pushing on her. That meant she would have to explain her relationship with Quen. She didn't know if she was ready for this, but what choice did she have now?

She walked through the entryway and heard sounds in the kitchen. Passing through her family's ornately furnished living room, she stepped into the brightly lit kitchen. She dropped her bag in shock when she saw who was sitting on a barstool at the counter.

Mr. Ashbury.

His nose was bruised, slightly purple from where she punched him earlier.

'Hello, Alexandra,' he said smoothly. His voice dripped with poison honey. 'I was just speaking with your parents here about your tutoring sessions.'

Alex couldn't speak. Her feet were stuck to the floor. Her mother handed Mr. Ashbury a glass of wine. This had to be a nightmare. Surely she was asleep and would wake up soon. Why wasn't she waking up?

'Yes, he was concerned about you and your grades in English class. You're usually such a good student. Franklin, honey,' she said to her husband, shaking her head and frowning. 'I tried to tell you, it's that basketball that's taking her focus away from school.'

Franklin ignored her. He looked at Alex. His brows were furrowed with concern. 'He also said you ran out of school this evening during a session. Alexandra, dear, if Mr. Ashbury is nice enough to stay late to help you with your grades, you need to be respectful.'

Alex glanced at Ashbury out of the corner of her eye. He was staring right at her, with a half-smirk on his face. Yep, this was definitely not a dream.

Seeing him in her kitchen, Alex was suddenly frightened again. But she felt more than scared now, she felt angry. He stared at her, and she knew he wanted her to confirm his story, to lie to her own parents for him, right to their faces, after what he did to her. He came over knowing he would intimidate Alex into compliance.

_Enough,_ she thought. Her feet unstuck from the floor. She reached in her bag and pulled out her tape recorder. She hit rewind. The tape ran backwards for a while and then stopped. The noise was loud in the now quiet kitchen. Her hand shook as she set it on the table, but her mind was set.

'You shouldn't have come here, Mr. Ashbury,' she said to him. 'Mother, Daddy, I wasn't at school this evening. I was at Mr. Ashbury's apartment. He's been blackmailing me, holding a secret over my head. And tonight he tried to seduce me; I thought he would probably do this, so I recorded the whole thing. And here it is.'

She pressed play and watched Mr. Ashbury's surprise-laden face change into an expression of fear and panic. _A taste of his own medicine. Bastard._

Her parents heard Mr. Ashbury's confession on the tape and listened to the struggle between him and Alex. They stared intently at the tape recorder.

When it was finished, Alex's mother turned and stared at Mr. Ashbury. Silence hung in the room for a while when the tape finished. Finally Virginia spoke and anger was heavy in her voice.

'I am simply appalled, Mr. Ashbury,' she said, her voice shrill with anger and disgust. 'And I can't believe you had the nerve to come over here after what you did to our daughter. Franklin, get rid of this man!'

Franklin nodded and grabbed Mr. Ashbury by the arm.

'We're going to be pressing charges. Expect it, you sick son of a bitch.'

When her father had thrown him out, Alex sat at the bar in the kitchen staring off into space.

Her mother sat down next to her and rubbed soothing circles on her back. It felt more irksome than soothing to Alex. She knew what was coming and she dreaded it. Her heart was already beating so fast. She wondered how much faster it would go when she told her parents the truth.

'Alexandra. Tell us what happened. What blackmail could he possibly have on you, dear?'

Her father came back into the kitchen, his face was red but he regained his composure quickly. Cabots rarely lost their self-control.

_Now or never,_ she thought.

She took a deep breath.

'One of my teammates, Ashley, found a picture of me with Quen. She gave it to Mr. Ashbury and he was threatening to show it to you and to everyone else too.'

She took another deep breath.

She glanced up at her parents, they still looked confused.

'When we were in Connecticut, I was with Quen.'

Still, it hadn't registered for them.

'I was with her. I was in a relationship with her.'

She looked into their blank faces.

_Why did it have to be this difficult? It was like they didn't want to believe her._ That familiar sinking feeling developed in her stomach. She sighed, rubbing her hands on her face.

'We were together.'

'And this picture, what was it of?' her father asked.

'Of Quen and I kissing,' she said bluntly, tired and frustrated.

Virginia didn't seem able to speak. She put her head in her hands and didn't look up for a while.

Alex looked into her father's eyes. Surely he would understand. She had always been daddy's little girl, she could do no wrong in his eyes.

His eyes held many things for her. He conveyed sympathy to her, because he knew this wouldn't be easy, especially with her mother. There was also comfort and love in them.

She smiled weakly at him.

Her mother finally lifted her head up.

'Alexandra. What did I do wrong? I must have gone wrong somewhere in raising you. '

Alex shook her head, wanting to roll her eyes but she resisted the urge. 'No Mother,' she looked at her father deploringly. 'You did nothing wrong.'

'Virginia,' said her father, touching her arm softly. 'Let's go to bed, we'll worry about this tomorrow. Alexandra needs her rest.'

Virginia stood up, albeit reluctantly. She followed her husband to their bedroom. She took one more look at Alex.

Alex happened to look up at their retreating forms at the same time. She saw the tears coming down her mother's face.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**Olivia - Friday**

Olivia slung her duffel bag over her shoulder. She ran a hand through her wet hair, she had just showered after her game. Headed towards the subway station, she thought back on the game. Her team played well, although their opponent had a bad game. Two of their star players were injured and Cathedral basically swept the floor with them.

She smiled. _Still in it_, she thought happily.

Her smile faded quickly when she reached her apartment building. She sighed. She hoped her mother wasn't home, but chances were that she was.

As she slipped past her mother, who was passed out on the couch with her glass tipped over in her lap, she let her mind wander to something happier. A certain pair of blue eyes was stuck in her head. She frowned, but found that she really didn't mind thinking about those eyes.

**Alex - Friday.**

Franklin Cabot, via his cousin Andrew Cabot of the highly esteemed Cabot and Schuster law firm in downtown Manhattan, filed charges formally against Mr. Brett Ashbury for sexual assault. Cousin Andrew knew he had a solid case with the recording Alex made of Ashbury forcing himself on her.

He also personally made a trip to St. John's prep to notify the school's administration about the incident. Franklin sat in the superintendent's office next to the principal. He eyed the short, balding man over his glasses.

'Mr. Cabot,' said the school's principal, Hubert Stewart. 'Surely we can work something out. We don't need to bring the law into this matter. This can be settled by . . . other means.'

Franklin Cabot was not a man who was easily intimidated. He sat up straighter in his chair, leaned towards the man across the desk from him. His blue eyes flashed with fire as he glared at the principal.

'I'm afraid not, Mr. Stewart. A serious indiscretion was done to my daughter and I will certainly not stand by and allow you to try and pay me off to keep quiet. We will be moving Alexandra to another school starting next week.'

Mr. Stewart seemed to be at a loss for words.

'And another thing. I don't know how you hired a man like that with the extensive background checks you supposedly do, but we will be doing our own background check. So my lawyers will be contacting you if we dig anything up.'

He stood up and turned towards the door.

'Have a nice day,' he said coldly.

. . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Alex sat at the kitchen counter, mindlessly doing the crossword puzzle. Ever since her attack, she felt distant from everything. Her feelings of guilt were returning full force and she worried about what her parents thought. Her father walked in the door. She set her pen down and looked up at him as he sat down next to her.

'Alexandra, dear, we've spoken with the county authorities and they've agreed to allow you to transfer schools. They've lain down some conditions for your participation in athletics, however. You must forgo playoffs this year and you will be allowed to play with no limitations next year. '

Alex nodded her head. She didn't mind missing the playoffs with St. John's prep. The girls didn't play as a team and she felt no ties to them.

. . . .

Later that night, Alex lay in her bed, thinking hard. She knew what her mother was thinking, but she needed to hear it for herself. She slid out of bed and pulled a robe tightly around herself.

She went out into the hall and crept towards her parent's room. Putting an ear to their door, she could hear them talking. Through the thick wood, she was surprised their voices were so clear.

She mainly heard her mother.

'Franklin. I think maybe we should send her to counseling. They can fix her, talk to her. Something has to be done.'

'Virginia...' he started

'No, I want something done. We can't have this sort of blemish on our family.'

She had heard more than enough.

Her mother was more concerned with what people thought than she was about her own daughter. On top of it all, she thought Alex needed counseling. To think that her mother thought of her as a blemish, as a black mark on her family. _IS there something wrong with me?_ She went back to her room, shut the door, and crawled back into bed. She cried herself to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N – **Whew! 2 updates in 2 days. LOOK OUT!

**You and Me Part 4- (Move Along)**

**Another day and you've had your fill of sinking  
>With the life held in your<br>Hands are shaking cold  
>These hands are meant to hold<br>Speak to me**

**Olivia – Monday**

Olivia brushed through her hair and pulled on her jacket, a hat, and a wool scarf. The weather forecast said it would be cold today.

She had some extra time before she needed to leave for her train, so she closed the door to her room and made her way to the dingy little living room.

The remote lay on the couch, so she picked it up, plopped herself down and turned on the TV. She bit into her apple and chewed noisily. Her mother was still asleep, and couldn't tell her to chew with her mouth closed. She was gazing blankly at the screen, not particularly paying attention to the news. But the local news scrolling across the bottom of the screen caught her eye.

She sat up straighter and read the newsreel.

_Teacher at St. Johns accused of sexual assault of a student, case going to the district courts_

Olivia wondered if Alex knew the teacher or the student. She shrugged and switched off the TV when it was time to go and left the apartment without a word to her mother.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

At school later, she walked past the office and happened to look inside. It was busy, as usual, and she looked for the secretaries who usually were seated at their desks. Olivia got along great with all of the staff and she normally waved hello every morning if she saw them. The secretaries were all busy either on the computer or talking to students. She caught a glimpse of a blonde girl just turning around so that her face didn't completely show. The girl was speaking to the secretary; it looked like she was handing the girl her schedule. Must be a new girl, she thought. She kept walking. They often got new students at Cathedral; they moved in from all over.

_But wait, that one was different. She does look familiar._

_Could it be?  
>Surely not.<em>

She walked backwards and stuck her head back to where she could see through the glass.

The girl happened to turn her head at the movement and caught Olivia's eyes.

_Cabot? What the hell?_

She gave Alex a confused look, and Alex just smiled at her. She wanted to go inside and talk with her, find out what in the world she was doing here, but she was going to be late to class. She kept walking.

_Alex Cabot was attending Cathedral High School now? But why?  
>She was the star basketball player… Wait. Did they win their game last Friday? She wasn't sure.<br>Oh yeah, they had a bye because they were district champions._

She sat brooding in her geometry class, wondering what the deal was. Her teacher let her get away with her daydreaming because she always turned her work in.

The bell rang and she got up to head to her next class, art. No one had to do much in art class, maybe draw a picture once a week and call it a grade. The teacher was old and eccentric, so people really took the class as a free period.

The room was set up with several large tables. Towards the back there were easels and painting tables. She went in to sit in her regular seat at the far table and she stopped dead in her tracks. Naturally, Alex Cabot would be sitting in her chair. She walked up to the blonde and put her backpack on the floor.

'Cabot,' she said. 'What in the world are you doing here?'

'You mean in art class?' she asked innocently. 'It was the only class they could fit me into this period.'

Olivia shook her head. She sat down across from Alex. 'No, I mean, what are you doing at this high school, at Cathedral?'

Alex smiled shyly. 'I go here now. Just transferred.'

"But why? You were the star player at St. John's! You're still in the playoffs!"

Alex cringed. She averted her eyes and looked out the window.

Olivia nodded, realizing that whatever the reason was for Alex's transfer, she didn't want to talk about it.

'Uh, so what other classes are you in?' Olivia asked.

Alex turned away from the window and reached into her bag and pulled out her schedule. Olivia didn't miss the fact that it wasn't like all the other kid's backpacks. She had to remind herself that the girl was able to afford attendance at St. Johns prep. She should be able to buy any Louis Vuitton satchel she wanted.

'I have biology next period, then geometry, lunch, and then world history, english, and athletics.'

So art was the only class the two had together. They talked about different teachers, who was better or worse, who gave the most homework, who's classes were blow-offs, and about cafeteria food.

'And what do you have before this class then?'

Alex looked down at her schedule. She pointed to the middle of the page. 'Orchestra.'

Olivia laughed.

'Seriously? I didn't figure you for a band nerd.'

'What?' Alex said indignantly. 'I play violin, that's doesn't me make a band nerd!'

'Oooo, so refined!' Olivia said sarcastically. 'It totally does make you a band nerd. At least you play basketball to offset it.'

Olivia frowned. 'How is that going to work? Do you get to play with us this season?'

Alex shook her head. 'No, I would be playing with the JV, because of the transfer rules but since they're finished and the varsity is in playoffs, I have to sit out and wait for tryouts next season.'

Olivia rolled her eyes.

'Damn. We could have used you. And you're so humble! You should've said you were going to skip tryouts and claim your starting spot.'

Alex laughed. 'I have to try out, just like everyone else. I don't like it when things are handed to me without having to work for them.'

Olivia raised her eyebrow and looked skeptically at Alex's bag.

'Okay Cabot, so you don't like that Louis Vuitton bag you've got there?'

Blushing fiercely red, Alex ducked her head. She whispered to Olivia. 'I should get a different bag, huh?'

'Uh, yeah. Probably so.'

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Olivia and Alex chatted about all kinds of different things in art class over the course of the next week. They talked mainly about basketball, but also about school and teachers, how Alex was enjoying the school so far. Alex wanted to hang out with Olivia after school, but basketball practice took up most of her free time.

On Friday, the Cathedral Bears were playing their third round playoff game against Cristo Rey. During art, Alex told Olivia she would be there to watch.

. . . . . . . . . . .

At the game, Olivia had already laced up her sneakers and was ready to take the floor. She and her teammates started their pre-game rituals. They got in a circle and jumped around, getting pumped up and doing different chants. Soon they had a mosh-pit in the middle of the locker room.

But it was time to go warm-up for the game. They ran out onto the court to loud music and screaming fans. Olivia was so excited, she could barely contain herself. Luckily she had about ten minutes of warm up to calm her nerves. She looked up in the stands. She spotted Alex immediately, sitting alone wearing blue and yellow.

They made eye contact and smiled at one another.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
><strong>Alex<strong>

Alex had a hard time sitting in the stands. She was a ball player. She had never been much of a spectator. It was difficult for her to watch a game she could potentially be involved in.

She sighed. _Ah well, I've got next year._

When Olivia made eye contact with her and smiled, her heart fluttered.

_Shit._ _That's not happening. You will not fall for the first girl who's nice to you. That's ridiculous._

_Although,_ she thought, tilting her head to the side, smiling a bit. _She's not bad looking, and she's athletic too. Always a plus._

She shook her head. _Stop,_ she told herself. She made a vow to herself then and there to guard her heart. She needed to protect herself from getting hurt again.

Alex watched the game, it was close, just like any third round playoff game should be, but Cristo Rey, the team Cathedral was playing, was a little bit better skill-wise.

Cristo Rey was ahead by ten points in the fourth quarter, but Cathedral was hanging with them, point for point.

Two of Olivia's teammates were in foul trouble, each had four fouls. So they had to be careful now that they were in bonus, each foul now cost them free throws.

But the girls from Cristo Rey were aggressive and weren't afraid to take the ball one-on-one to the basket.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**Olivia**

_All we need is a little momentum,_ Olivia thought.

And she rolled off a low screen to the three point line. Jessica zipped the ball to her and she was wide open. She shot it.

Her teammates watched as it flew through the air and sank perfectly into the basket. The gym exploded in sound. Cheering from Cathedral and groans from Cristo Rey. That cut the lead to seven.

Cathedral jumped into a full court press and immediately stole the ball from the Cristo Rey post who was stuck with the ball. Easy layup, and the lead was cut to five.

Her coach called a timeout.

Walking over to the bench, Olivia snuck a look over in the stands. It made her happy to know that at least one person was there cheering for her. She saw Alex jumping up and down in excitement and smiled. She had to turn her attention to her coach quickly though.

He gave them a play to run and pumped them up with a few intense, encouraging words. They ran back on the court and double teamed Cristo Rey's best player. Jessica was hanging back and stole the ball just as she tried to pass it away. She made the layup.

3 points away, and the clock counted down, :45 seconds left. Cristo Rey's point guard brought the ball down the court, and she was frantic. When they should have pulled the ball out and stalled for the remainder of the game, they passed it inside and it was immediately stolen. One of her teammates lobbed the ball out to Olivia who took it down court. She had two Cristo Rey girls in front of her. 10 seconds left . . .

She dribbled it down past half court.

5 seconds left.

She rolled off a screen set by one of her teammates to the corner.

3 seconds left.

She pulled up for a three pointer just as a Cristo Rey girl jumped towards her, hand outstretched.

1 second left.

She got the shot off but couldn't see if it went in or not because the girl lost control and knocked her down.

The buzzer went off.

All she could hear was screaming and clapping.

She looked up at the referee over by the scorer's table. He was signaling a foul on the Cristo Rey girl who had fouled her. And . . no way.

The basket was good!

Her teammates picked her up off the floor and patted her on the back. She now got to shoot a free throw for the foul.

The score was tied. 63-63. This was it, either she made it or they went into overtime.

She took a deep breath and the ref bounced her the ball. She didn't think. She just reacted. This was what she practiced every day. The game was on the line, this point would win it. Even though the Cristo Rey crowd was making a deafening sound on her right side, she blocked them out.

She shot the ball. There was no question for her when it left her hand.

It went in.

And they won.

Everyone went crazy, jumping up and down and screaming.

Cathedral had to calm down long enough to shake the other teams hands, but they went right back to celebrating. The trophy was brought out to them and they took pictures with it, smiling and holding up numbers 1s.

Olivia found Alex and they made eye contact. Olivia had a bizarre urge to just kiss her full on the mouth. She resisted, thankfully. And they hugged.

'Sorry I'm so sweaty,' Olivia said to her.

'No big deal,' Alex said. 'I know how it is. Congratulations, you were awesome!'

'Thanks. Thanks for coming to watch.'

'No problem.' Alex looked around. 'Did you parents not come?'

Olivia flinched.

'No, my mom never comes to games.'

'Oh.' Alex left it at that, realizing it was a sore subject. So both of them had things they'd rather not discuss.

'I know how that is, my mom never comes to my games. She thinks I need to focus on school; she hates basketball.'

Olivia smiled.

Alex had to go home and Olivia needed to change in the locker room, so they said goodbye and went their separate ways.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**Alex**

-Alexs trial

That weekend, Alex and her father spent the majority of their time at their cousin's office with the ADA, preparing for the bail hearing and talking about which way they thought Ashbury was going to plead. Alex found herself pulling out Andrew's law books and skimming through them. She asked a thousand questions and showed a genuine interest in what was going on. Her interest took her mind off what happened to her. Afterwards they grabbed a hot dog and watched ice skaters in central park. Alex felt happy, like she was a little girl again, spending time with her father with no worries.

The following Monday was the bail hearing. Before they went in, Cousin Andrew Cabot had a last minute meeting with Assistant District Attorney Johnson who would be handling Alex's case along with Mr. Ashbury and his lawyer. Cabot explained to Mr. Ashbury that he was certain to lose at trial and the Cabots were willing to offer him a deal to save Alex the trauma of going through a trial. Mr. Ashbury whispered with his lawyer for a bit and turned back to Andrew.

"What are you offering?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You plead guilty, and you get 4 years jail time, $500 fine and you register in the sexual offender's database."

"That's it?" asked his lawyer. "You only took off $500 dollars."  
>"Well, that's what we're offering. Take that, or we'll see what the judge has to say."<p>

Ashbury looked at his lawyer. He turned back to Andrew and gave him a slight nod.

(chung chung). . . . . . . . . . . . . .

In court, the judge banged his gavel after the bailiff announced the case.

"Mr. Ashbury, you are charged with sexual assault on a minor, how do you plead?"

"Guilty, your Honor."

"Very well," said the judge, peering at the ADA over his reading glasses. "And what do you recommend for bail, Mr. Johnson?"

"The people request that bail be set at $150,000."  
>"Any objections, Counselor?" The judge looked over at Ashbury's lawyer.<p>

"No, your Honor."

"All right. Bail is set at $150,000, and the sentencing hearing will be held in three weeks and I will go over the evidence presented by the prosecutor."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

**Alex - Tuesday**

Tuesday, Olivia asked where Alex was.

'Oh.. I uh.' her eyes were shifty. 'I had to take care of something personal.'

'Alex,' Olivia said. It was the first time she had called her by her first name. The sound of it was heavenly on Alex's ears.

'You can trust me. Whatever it is, whatever these secrets are that you have, it's okay. You can tell me.'

But Alex couldn't. She wasn't ready to open up to someone. If she told Olivia one thing, the dominoes would fall and she would have to tell it all. It was hard enough having her parents know about her, but she didn't want to lose Olivia as a friend so soon. She didn't know how Olivia felt about gay people, and was too afraid to find out.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**Olivia**

Olivia was a little hurt by Alex's refusal to open up, to tell some of her secrets. But she had secrets of her own, things she also wasn't ready to give up. She yearned to get close enough to Alex to learn everything about her.

But the next week passed quickly. Cathedral ended up losing in the next round in playoffs and Olivia was sad, but not devastated. She was only a sophomore and had plenty of other opportunities to excel in her sport. The rest of the year passed by even more quickly.

Spring break came and went, Alex and Olivia would sit and talk during art, but didn't hang out after school or on the weekends. They became better and better friends, discussing everything under the sun, but they skirted around both of their sensitive subjects, afraid to let each other too close.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N** – moving right along with the story.. hope you enjoy this chapter. I pulled from some experiences (excluding having a drunk, abusive mother) in my own life for this, and for this entire story for that matter, so it's a little personal for me. Let me know what you think.

**Part 5 – I'm Crazy For This Girl**

**She rolls the window down  
>And she, talks over the sound<br>Of the cars that pass us by  
>And I don't know why,<br>But she's changed my mind**

**Olivia**

Summer break finally arrived, and Olivia, like any high school aged kid should be, was excited. Summer meant longer days, less time spent in the apartment, less time spent with her mother. It was the summer between her sophomore and junior year, and she was right at that age where she was beginning to realize her need for independence. Even though she had had a fairly independent childhood due to her mother's drinking problem, she craved a more complete freedom. She wanted a job and financial security, she wanted her own place to live, she mainly wanted to be free from her mother's grip. Every night when she came home, she had to deal with the anger her mother still held on to. She had to deal with the smell of alcohol, and the neglected dishes and empty refrigerator. Olivia was sick of it, so she made the best out of her situation by staying out of the apartment as long as she could.

She spent her days out on the streets, riding the subway to different parts of the city, exploring downtown Manhattan, the New York University campus where her mother taught, Greenwich Village. She memorized the streets, Central Park, big as it was, and she got to know the different boroughs like her own neighborhoods.

She played street ball at different courts, sometimes playing by herself, working on her shot and ball-handling, and sometimes she played with boys, roughing them up, showing them that she wasn't just another girl trying to keep up. She met up with the girls from her team every now and then to play or to grab a bite to eat. They were more like her family than anything she had ever had. Basketball kept her sane, and she didn't know where she would be without it. But Olivia couldn't help but wonder about Alex Cabot. Alex told Olivia before school let out for summer vacation what her plans were, and Olivia smiled politely while she listened to Alex's brief description of her Hampton cottage. _Lucky rich girl,_ she thought. _At the same time though, she has to spend the whole time with her family, no friends or anything. _Olivia wasn't as jealous when she thought of it that way.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**Alex**

Alex spent her summer at the Hamptons. Her grandparent's summer home was beautiful; it was a whitewashed cedar shake cottage on the beachfront with dark green shutters. There was a weather vane on the top of the house, a rooster that showed the direction of the wind. She never liked the thing, she thought it didn't fit. It looked like it belonged on a barn in the Midwest.

She basked on the beach, watching people walk past. Her designer bathing suit and expensive sunglasses fit in perfectly there.

All of their neighbors were wealthy, and there were some kids her age on the beach, playing volleyball or frisbee with their siblings. She envied them; having siblings would have been nice. Someone to talk to, to share things with, to share eye rolls behind parents backs.

A group of boys walked past. She watched them turn their attention to her barely clothed form. They looked at her as they passed, and one of them nudged the other, encouraging him to speak to her.

She lowered the book she was reading. One of the braver boys walked up to her. She looked him up and down, he had a nice body. He was an athlete. Of what sport, she couldn't tell. Probably lacrosse or some other sport that rich boys tended to play.

'Hey,' he said.

'Hello,' she said back to him, taking off her sunglasses.

'We're having a bonfire later tonight down by the pier, if you want to come.'

'Sure,' she said. 'I'm Alex.'

'Alex,' he said, trying the name out. 'I'm Lance. And these are my friends, you'll meet them later.'

'Okay Lance, I'll see you later then.'

'Alright,' he said, grinning. "Come down when the sun sets." His buddies pushed him, taunting him, when he returned to his group. She didn't have anything better to do. Plus she was lonely.

As the sun was sinking over the beach houses, Alex walked down the beach. She wore a long sleeve t-shirt and blue jean shorts. Her bare feet sank in the still slightly warm sand. The bonfire illuminated the beach by the pier. She walked towards it, feeling its warmth increase with every step. When she stepped into the light, Lance jumped up from a log.

'Hey Alex!' he said, walking over to her and taking her by the hand. 'You came.'

'Yeah,' she said. 'I did.'

'Okay, come sit with me. You want a hot dog?'

'Sure,' she said, accepting one from him. 'You have any mustard?'

'Yep,' he said and he grabbed the container and put some mustard on her hot dog.

They sat around the fire and one of the guys pulled out a guitar and began singing. Lance handed Alex a beer, and she accepted it, surprised with herself. She hadn't had a drink before, but she was curious.

The beer was bitter, but it was cold, and she didn't think it was terrible.

She drank two more and felt a flush creep up her cheeks. Her vision was a little fuzzy and she didn't mind at all when Lance put his arm around her, pulling her closer to him. He smelled spicy, like men's deodorant. It was oddly familiar to her.

Before long, she and Lance were singing along to the songs the boy with the guitar was playing. And when someone passed around a bottle of whiskey, she willingly took a swig.

Now she felt great, courageous even. When Lance took her by the hand and led her away from the fire and off into the sea oats, she didn't protest. When he laid her down, pressed his body against hers and kissed her, she still didn't protest. She tasted the whiskey on his mouth and thought it tasted delicious. But soon her mind wandered to something she thought would be softer, something less scratchy, something more delicious.

She imagined the boy on top of her was a certain dark-haired girl, still smelling of men's deodorant because that's what she always smelled like, and tasting of sweet saliva. Alex allowed a blissful arousal to sweep over her.

Because her mind was fuzzy with alcohol, she couldn't berate herself over her desire for the dark-haired girl. She imagined Olivia's full, sweet lips on hers, and she groaned beneath him. When his hand began to roam over her body, she remembered where she was and what she was doing and with whom she was doing it. She wasn't ready to give it up to this boy she had just met, so she pushed him gently away from her. And he looked in her eyes, his were cloudy with lust, but she pushed him still further.

'What's the matter?' he said thickly.  
>'I can't do this, I'm sorry.'<p>

'But why? I thought we were having a good time?'  
>'We were. But . . . I'm just not ready.'<p>

She stood up and dusted the sand from her backside. He stood up with her and nodded, his disappointment evident on his face.

'I'll walk you home, then.'  
>She let him take her by the hand and lead her in the direction of her family's cottage.<p>

The ocean's waves crashed softly beside them, the cool air was crisp with sea spray, and her slightly foggy mind wondered why she couldn't get that certain dark-haired girl out of her head.

. . .. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
><strong>Olivia<strong>

_Monday, August 28th_  
>The school year began, and Olivia had mixed feelings about it. She loved summertime and didn't want it to end, but the beginning of school meant another basketball season coming up. Another chance to get a state championship. She was excited to get back into the swing of things, to see her friends every day, and to see Alex, a girl she wanted to get to know better.<p>

The first day back, she discovered she had Alex in three of her classes: chemistry, trigonometry, and English.  
>Unfortunately, none of these classes were blow-off classes like art was the year before, so they wouldn't have as much time to sit and chat.<br>They found out soon enough that they could help each other in class, Alex was a good writer and knew about Shakespeare and had read all sorts of classic books. Olivia on the other hand, was good at math. They decided to help each other with homework and studying for tests.

_Tuesday, August 29th_  
>On their second day back, Olivia was already itching to get back on the basketball court. She met Alex at her locker and said hi.<p>

Alex's smiled when she saw the brunette.  
>'Hey, do you wanna play basketball after school today?'<br>'Absolutely. Where are we going to play? Volleyball has the gym right now..'

Offseason basketball hadn't yet started so they had free time during their athletic period.  
>'Let's go down to St. Catherine's Park. It's close. I'll meet you here at 8th period. We'll go together.'<p>

They had fun together, laughed at each other. Olivia found herself laughing at Alex more often than the other way around. Alex was goofy, and yet still fiercely competitive. They pushed each other around, and traded wins playing one-on-one and horse. Olivia appreciated how at ease Alex made her feel, like she could say any stupid thing that came into her head and she wouldn't be judged.

_Friday, October 6th_  
>It was a month later and Olivia opened the door to her apartment and walked inside. She hung her keys up on the ring next to the door, walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge out of habit. It was empty save for a box of baking soda, a bottle of mustard, and several Chinese takeout boxes from the previous night.<p>

She shut the fridge door and sighed loudly. It was too loud, apparently.  
>'Why are you making so much noise in there?' An angry voice came from the back bedroom.<br>'Sorry,' she called back sarcastically. 'I'll try to be more quiet next time. It's just hard to stop my stomach from rumbling so damn loud!'

She didn't expect to hear a glass crash against the wall. Uh oh, Serena must have had a bad day, then. She heard the door to her mother's bedroom open and slam shut.

She stumbled into the kitchen and Olivia cautiously backed into the corner where the two counters met. She hated days like this, when her mother came after her physically, when there was no way to reason with her. She didn't like having to restrain her own mother.

'Mom, what's wrong?' asked Olivia, trying to diffuse the situation.  
>'What's wrong?' Serena yelled. Her fists closed in rage and Olivia stiffened. 'What's NOT wrong? The bastards at NYU fired me today!'<br>'Fired you?' Olivia's eyebrows shot up. 'But why? You're a tenured professor.'  
>'They found my bottles.' Serena tried to focus in on the bottle in her hand. She struggled with the cap, trying to open it, needing to quench her insatiable thirst.<br>'Mom, don't.'  
>'Don't you tell me what to do you little bitch. I don't know why I have to put up with you. With you… With… his child.'<br>Olivia flinched at her mother's slurred words. _Did she have to go that far? _The bottle slipped out of Serena's hand and fell to the floor. It fell with a crash, split into two pieces and flung shards of glass across the floor.

Olivia didn't have time to react. She was stunned at her mother's revelation about losing her job. This was going to be a fight, and Serena certainly wasn't backing down now. She wasn't very strong when she had had too much to drink, but occasionally she would land a few good slaps and punches on Olivia's face and arms and shoulders._  
><em>  
>This time was different, though. This time she had a broken vodka bottle in her hand, which she had picked up from the floor. The sharp edges glared viciously at Olivia in the dim lighting of the kitchen.<br>Her mother's face was contorted with rage and Olivia knew that this time, she would have to defend herself.

The broken glass crunched under Serena's slippered feet, and she kicked at Olivia's shins as she approached her, and Olivia turned sideways trying to fend off the blows. Olivia was distracted by the kicks and didn't see the broken bottle coming at her.

The bottle made contact and she felt a searing pain in her left shoulder, but she didn't have time to look down. Her mother had no idea what she was doing, she was in a drunken rage and wasn't about to stop. Serena's free left hand came around in a hooking motion and landed solidly next to Olivia's eye. _Ouch. That's gonna bruise tomorrow._

Olivia reached around with her right hand and grabbed the bottle, avoiding the sharp, jagged end. She threw it in the sink and turned her eyes back to her mother, who she had evidently stunned with her quick move. Olivia was pissed, and she slapped her mother across the face. . . hard. Her whole body turned with the force of the blow, and Olivia was done with this abuse.

She wanted her mother to get a taste of what she had had to endure for the majority of her life. Olivia had pushed back before, but this time was indeed different. She reached out both hands and pushed her mother's chest. She stumbled backwards and fell towards the opposite wall. Olivia took two steps across the kitchen, bent down over her and pulled her fist back to sock her a good one, right in the face. But something crossed over her mother's face that stopped her: fear.  
>So she stood up and grabbed a light jacket and her keys. She slammed the door as she left.<p>

Olivia didn't know where to go. She was fuming and had to go someplace. She didn't even see what train she was on. 1 or 2 maybe, but she didn't care. She sat down on the orange seat and just rode. She leaned back against the cool window and ignored the people staring at her. She glanced down at her arm. The blood had soaked through her jacket and was slowly spreading. A dull ache emanated from the wound and she looked away from it.

Olivia glanced up at the glowing light that showed all the train's stops and saw that she was close to Alex's stop at Central Park West. She had walked her home a couple of times after playing basketball at the Central Park courts, so she knew where Alex's apartment was although she had never been inside.  
><em>Maybe she has a first aid kit,<em>she thought.

At Alex's apartment building, she walked up to the doorman, told him her name, and asked for Alex Cabot. He turned and rang the bell for her.  
>'I have an Olivia Benson here to see you, Ms. Cabot.'<br>A mechanical version of Alex's voice came through the speaker.  
>'Send her on up, Jack, thank you.'<p>

Jack, the slightly balding but kind-eyed doorman nodded at her and opened the door to let her in:  
>' 34th floor' he said. 'And you should have that shoulder looked at.'<br>She laughed quietly, bitterly, and walked towards the elevator. At the 34th floor, she got out of the elevator and realized that there was only one door in front of her.

_Of course they would have the penthouse,_ she thought.  
>Before she could knock on the door, it swung open and Alex stood before her.<br>She had taken her contacts out for the evening and was wearing black framed glasses. Her hair was slightly damp looking and messy, as if she had just showered. She had on a big t-shirt and some cutoff sweat pants. Obviously she was relaxing and getting ready for bed, even though it was only about 8 o' clock. Olivia normally would have commented on the usually well put together girl's current ensemble, but she was beginning to feel light-headed from blood loss. Alex still looked damned attractive. She could feel the blood start to run down her arm and vaguely registered Alex's surprised face.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**She was the one to hold me  
>The night<br>The sky fell down  
>And what was I thinking when<br>The world didn't end  
>Why didn't I know what I know now<strong>

'Olivia, what happened to you?'  
>Olivia shrugged but didn't say anything. The movement caused a sharp pain to shoot through her arm. She cringed.<br>'Come inside, let's get you cleaned up.' So Alex opened the door for her and she went inside. Alex led her to the bathroom and pulled out a first aid kit.  
>'Let's have a look at it then.'<br>And she struggled to help Olivia take her jacket and t shirt off.

Alex had to consciously keep herself from staring at Olivia's defined arm and back muscles as she tried to focus on examining the cut. Her eyes wanted so badly to venture further down the brunette's lean, muscular body, but she resisted.  
>'Olivia, I think you need stitches.'<br>'Don't want to go to the hospital,' Olivia mumbled quietly, but firmly.  
>'Just put a band-aid on it.'<p>

Alex laughed softly.  
>'Uhhh.. I think this is gonna need a little more than a band aid, but I'll do my best.'<br>The cuts weren't too deep, but there were two of them, parallel to each other and jagged, as if she had been slashed with something cylindrical and definitely sharp. They were on the front of her left arm, right below the shoulder.

So Alex grabbed a washcloth and wet it, rinsing Olivia's arm over the sink. She squeezed out the blood under the warm running water and the water pooling in the sink ran red and then pink as the rag held less and less blood.

When the wound was clean, she had Olivia lean over the sink and she poured hydrogen peroxide over the wound.  
>Olivia didn't so much as flinch.<br>'Surely that hurts?' Alex asked, brow furrowed.  
>'Not much,' said Olivia.<br>'You're tough.'  
>'Yeah, I guess.'<p>

Alex put several small butterfly bandages on both of the cuts, hoping they would keep her sliced skin together. Then she wrapped some gauze around her arm and held it together with tape. Maybe that would absorb any blood that seeped out.

'This is probably going to leave a nasty scar.'  
>'I don't mind scars,' said Olivia.<br>'What happened to you?' Ventured Alex again, tentatively. She figured Olivia wouldn't want to talk about it.  
>She was right.<p>

'I fell.'  
>'Oh,' said Alex, recognizing the lie from Olivia's flat tone.<br>'Here, let me get you a shirt.'  
>She left Olivia sitting on the granite counter and after a short while, brought back a loose tank top. She helped Olivia put it on, avoiding moving the arm too much.<p>

'Thank you.' said Olivia, avoiding Alex's gaze.  
>'No problem,' she said.<p>

'Want to stay for a while? My parents are at another of their benefits, and we can watch a movie or something..'  
>'Yeah, I'd like that.'<p>

So they went to the entertainment center and picked out a movie. Alex picked a western, oddly enough. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.  
>Olivia had said she didn't care which movie but she rolled her eyes jokingly at Alex's choice.<br>'Seriously?' she asked with a raised eyebrow.  
>'Have you ever seen it?' Alex asked. Olivia shook her head. She didn't watch old movies. Ever.<br>'Then don't knock it till you try it. It's really quite good.'

Before they went to Alex's room, she led Olivia to the kitchen and made them both a sandwich and a glass of water.

They went to Alex's room and Olivia couldn't help but stare. It was immaculate, the queen sized bed made Olivia's twin look child-like. The walls were a light sea-green color and were decorated with black and white photographs of a wooded countryside. There were a few of the city as well. One wall held several shelves filled with books and trophies and knick knacks. It was the part of the room Olivia immediately liked the best; it showed Alex's personality and what she was good at and enjoyed doing.  
>The TV was opposite of the bed, which was the centerpiece of the room with its beautiful dark wood headboard and fluffy looking white down comforter.<p>

'Your room is beautiful.' Olivia said.  
>'Thank you,' Alex said quietly, humbly.<br>She put the movie in the player, grabbed her remote and plopped down on her stomach on the bed.  
>She patted the space next to her, motioning for Olivia to join her.<br>Throughout the film, Alex snuck glances over at Olivia, checking to see if she was interested in the movie or not. She chuckled quietly to herself when she saw Olivia completely immersed in the movie, mouth slightly open. Olivia looked over at the sound of her quiet laughter, she could feel Alex's eyes on her.

'What?' Olivia asked. Alex smiled. 'Nothing.' She turned back to the movie and so did Olivia, slowly, after letting her eyes linger a bit on Alex's face, and her long, slender neck. And the smooth skin on her shoulder. She realized that she was staring and jerked her head back to the television.

After the movie, Olivia and Alex sat up and leaned against the pillows. Alex picked up the remote and turned on the regular cable. She looked at the clock on her bedside table. 10:30

'Hey it's late, so why don't you just stay here tonight. No school tomorrow right?'

'Right. Are you sure? I can head home if you need to get to bed or whatever. . .'

'Don't be silly. You're staying here.'

'OK. Thank you.'

'OK. So let's play a game.'

Olivia was surprised at the sudden change of subject.

'What kind of game?" she asked Alex suspiciously.

'A secret for a secret. You tell me yours, and I tell you mine.'

Olivia stared at her.

Olivia was feeling much better after the water and the sandwich and being close to Alex for an extended period of time. But she wasn't ready for this. She needed to stall.

'I don't know,' said Olivia. 'My arm is hurting me pretty bad now. Do you have any ibuprofen?'

'Of course!' Alex exclaimed, hopping off the bed and heading into her bathroom.

'Sorry I didn't offer you any earlier, I should've known it would be aching.'

Olivia swallowed the pills with a sip of water and laid her head back against Alex's headboard.

'Liv, please. Tell me what happened. You can trust me. I promise.'

It was the first time Alex had used that nickname. It sounded so endearing and personal, Olivia couldn't stop the butterflies from fluttering around in her stomach.

She blushed and glanced quickly at Alex, who had a completely serious, completely sympathetic look on her face.

'You tell me your secret first,' said Olivia.

Alex looked down at her hands. She wanted to argue with Olivia but she wanted so badly to please the brooding girl that she restrained herself.

'Okay,' she said quietly.

'But you can't tell anyone.'

She wanted to slap herself when she heard how childish those words sounded coming out of her mouth.

'That's the thing about exchanging secrets. We'll both know something about each other, so we'll be even.'

'Okay. It's kind of a long story, though.'

'I don't have anywhere I'd rather be.'

It was Alex's turn to feel the butterflies. Her hands had already clammed up at the thought of revealing her secret.

'All right. Well, when I lived in Connecticut, I was in a relationship. We were young and I thought we were in love, but something happened and they didn't want to see me anymore.

Olivia immediately noticed the lack of definitive pronouns but said nothing.

So anyway, my heart was broken and I kept a picture of the two of us kissing as a reminder of how happy we once were. It probably only made me more miserable. Well, the picture fell into the wrong hands when I was at St. John's and I was blackmailed into going to what he, my English teacher, called 'tutoring sessions' but I think he meant to actually rape me eventually.

Olivia's mouth hung open.

'Seriously?'

Alex nodded.

'Yeah. It got so bad that he forced me to go to his apartment, but I brought a tape recorder with me and recorded him assaulting me. I managed to fend him off and got the hell out of there. '

Olivia eyebrows shot up.

'Look at you, who's the real tough one? You defended yourself against a grown man!'

'Well, he was a bastard and all I had to do was kick him in the balls.'

Olivia laughed and Alex felt better about the situation.

'And that's the night I ran into you.'

'Yeah, you were pretty upset that night. That explains it.'

Olivia looked down at her hands, she knew Alex didn't want to answer her next inevitable question, but it was the elephant in the room.

'And this picture... This .. person you were in a relationship with...'

Alex sighed. She looked into Olivia's eyes.

'Her name was Quen.'

Olivia nodded, and Alex was floored that she didn't looked surprised or judgmental or anything. She was passive, and Alex welcomed the relief that flooded through her. Finally, she could get that secret off her chest to someone who wasn't going to hurl fire and brimstone at her.

'I've never tried it with a girl before.' Olivia said simply, staring at a spot on the wall.

Alex looked at her sharply.

'Well, I don't know that I'd recommend it. I've sure had a miserable time of things and I don't know if I want to go through that again.'

_Ouch. Shut down,_ thought Olivia.

'But you and I both know that people can't help how they feel. They can't choose who they feel attracted to.'

'Maybe so,' said Alex. 'And just the same.. . Why would someone choose to go through this turmoil and misery?

'Beats me,' said Olivia with a smile.

'Alright,' said Alex. 'Now you have to tell me yours.'

Olivia's smile fell from her face. She felt a small bit of dread creep into the pit of her belly.

What would Alex think when she heard about her past? About her mother and the story of how she was conceived? Would Alex see through Olivia's carefully constructed wall into the bottom of her soul to where she knew the monsters lurked.

Alcoholism and violence. She knew they were in there… Hiding beneath the surface, milling about, biding their time, waiting for the opportunity to rear their ugly heads.

But Alex had trusted her with her own deep and dark secret; she was perfectly capable of understanding screwed up childhoods.

Alex saw the flurry of different emotions and thoughts pass over Olivia's face and knew she needed encouragement. Alex reached over and grabbed Olivia's left hand with her right. She didn't intertwine her fingers, just held the hand supportively, like an old friend.

Olivia looked down at the hand holding hers and smiled. She took a deep breath.

'Talking about it will be admitting its real. I was in denial, Alex… just like my mom is about her drinking problem.'

Alex nodded slightly, encouraging her to go on.

'But I suppose if I'm going to tell anyone about this, I want it to be you.'

. . . . . . . . . . .

When Olivia was through telling Alex everything, she didn't realize she had tears rolling down her face. She had too many feelings flowing through her. She never cried. Ever. But with Alex, it was different. They now knew each other's deepest secret and Olivia felt an oddly fierce connection with her. She was relieved to have finally told someone about her abusive mother and the reasons for the abuse. The tears were mainly from the relief, but also for sadness she felt about her childhood. She missed out on the love and affection that so many kids experienced in their younger lives. Instead of those things, she was looked at with disdain. Her mother acted like she didn't even want her most of the time. But Alex was recently getting a taste of that herself.

She turned into Alex's comforting arms and rested her head on Alex's shoulder. She smelled good, like body wash and fresh laundry. _This feels right_, Olivia thought to herself as she breathed in deeply.

She didn't know what was happening between the two of them, but she certainly wasn't trying to fight it. Alex, on the other hand, was hesitant.

Olivia started to drift off to sleep, her eyes were heavy and she couldn't keep them open. Alex turned Olivia sideways slightly, and she scooted them both down below the covers. She reached up and switched off her bedside lamp and snuggled down into Olivia's warmth, Alex's front pressed against her back.

At the feel of Alex pressed up behind her, Olivia's body responded all by itself. She didn't seem able to stop herself from reaching around and finding Alex's arm, pulling it to where it was draping over her stomach.

She wanted to feel all of the girl. Her chest and arms and legs were warm and Olivia reveled in the feeling of protection her body offered. It wasn't often that she felt she needed protection, but she couldn't help but feel safe here.

Now that her mind was racing with thoughts of Alex's body on hers, she realized that she was no longer sleepy.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .  
><strong>Alex<strong>  
>Alex was trying to resist the complete feeling of contentment washing over her. She knew where this was heading and it was like an out-of-control train that couldn't be stopped.<p>

Her synapses were firing at warp speed. Her entire body felt like it was on fire. Having Olivia this close to her, this dark-haired beauty whom she had thought of nonstop since she first laid eyes on her, felt so good it almost hurt. How was she supposed to just lie here and not do anything about how she felt.

But no, she had to be strong, she knew the consequences of starting a relationship like this, of being with another girl.

And besides what she knew about the consequences for herself, she thought about what the consequences would be for Olivia.

Olivia would have to go through the pain and sadness and trials that came with being gay. Alex didn't want to be the one to thrust her into that world.

If she could just close her eyes, go to sleep and stop thinking sinful, lustful thoughts about the beautiful and wonderful smelling girl in front of her. But this sin was too sweet. This delicious piece of forbidden fruit too tantalizing. It was too much for her to resist. Damn the consequences, she knew Olivia wanted this too. The fingers intertwining her own and the even more persistent push of Olivia's backside against her front gave it away.

She scooted back a bit and allowed Olivia to turn over onto her back and to her other side, avoiding her wounded arm. They were facing each other now. A silvery light streaming in from Alex's window basked the bed in a sort of glow. The city was still awake, still wide awake, just like she and Olivia now were. She ran her hand along Olivia's leg, trailing it up over her thigh, her hip and along her torso to her neck. Caressing the side of Olivia's face, she looked into her deep brown eyes and saw a bit of apprehension and a bit of fear. She knew it was because Olivia had never kissed another girl before, had never experienced the difference.

Olivia's body betrayed her again when her eyes glanced down at Alex's mouth. The apprehension was replaced with dilated pupils and a look that if Alex wasn't mistaken could only be one thing: desire. Alex knew then for sure that Olivia wanted it and that Alex wasn't pressuring her into anything. Perhaps they would regret this later, but Olivia's full lips were so inviting in the dim light that Alex gave in.

She simultaneously pulled Olivia's face towards hers while she leaned in.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
><strong>Olivia<strong>

As Alex ran her hand up the length of her body, Olivia shuddered and felt a flock of butterflies take flight in her stomach. This feeling was incredible, like nothing she had felt before, and they really hadn't even done anything yet.

She thought she might burst when Alex cupped her face and gazed into her eyes. Alex's blue eyes bore into her own and read her thoughts. Olivia couldn't hide the small bit of anxiety she felt: _what if she wasn't good enough, what if she did everything wrong?_ But the brazen need and longing that she saw in Alex's eyes were soon reflected in her own. Venturing a quick glance down at the lips that were so close to hers, she betrayed her own need. She felt Alex's hand increase the pressure on her face, pulling her closer, and Alex's own face was moving towards hers as well. It was slow and tortuous, but it was also fast and tender, and Olivia struggled to etch each moment into her brain so that she'd never forget. And Olivia could feel Alex's hot breath envelop her before she finally closed the distance between them.

When their lips touched, it was like everything Olivia had seen in the movies and read about in books. It was like fireworks went off in her head and her heart surged with emotion. She thought it might jump right out of her chest and run out the door. Her fingers and toes tingled and she couldn't stop the moan that escaped from deep in her chest. Olivia opened her mouth a bit, wanting to taste more of Alex, to explore every single inch of her. Alex returned the favor and allowed Olivia access. Their tongues came together and their lips slid across one another and Olivia thought she had never tasted anything as good as Alex's mouth.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
><strong>Alex<strong>

As Olivia deepened the kiss, Alex thought she might faint. _God, _she thought, _she tastes incredible._ _It's like she's known my mouth forever. _Alex pulled her closer still and broke away from the kiss, but only to run her mouth along the brunette's jawline, trailing a line of kisses to her neck. She found a particularly sensitive spot and heard Olivia's breath catch. She continued kissing the spot until Olivia tried to turn Alex over and pin her on her back.

The movement upset her injured arm and she gasped in pain as she felt the cut open back up again. Alex stopped immediately and sat up.

'Are you alright?'  
>'Yeah,' Olivia said, her voice deep and husky. 'Sorry. I didn't want to stop.'<p>

Alex smiled as her heart fluttered a bit. _What is with me? Am I falling for this girl?_

'That's alright. I'm sure we'll have plenty of time for that in the future.' _What was she saying? She couldn't continue this. This couldn't keep happening. This was a one-time thing, one moment of weakness. _

It was Olivia's turn to smile, and Alex knew then that she had to say something.

'Liv, wait, I mean. . . Maybe this isn't such a good idea.'

Olivia's smile melted away as she too sat up and stared at Alex.

'What do you mean? Did I do something wrong?'

Alex saw the fear again cross over Olivia's face and with it mingled a small bit of hurt. She didn't mean to upset Olivia, she just wanted to set things straight.

'No, no. You didn't do anything wrong. You did everything VERY right.' She ran a hand through her messy hair. 'It's just…'

Alex sighed and looked away. 'I'm afraid for both of us. You don't know what it's like to have your mother hate you for who you are and to have people ridicule you for who you choose to love. I don't want to put you through that. And not only that. . . I'm afraid of being hurt again.'

A flash of anger passed over Olivia's face. 'I don't know what it's like to have my mother hate me for who I am? Were you even listening to me earlier? That is EXACTLY how my mother feels about me. Me being in love with a girl can't possibly do me any more harm. And if you think I'd hurt you, you're insane.'

Alex was taken aback by the outburst. And . . . _Wait. Did she say in love with a girl?_ _Like, in love with THIS girl? _Alex's brow furrowed. Olivia was right, of course. Her mother did feel the same sort of contempt and disappointment towards Olivia. They both knew how it felt. But Olivia had just admitted to loving Alex. And, wow.

_Do I feel the same way?_


	6. Chapter 6

A/N – ok finally, some smut! This chapter is the reason for the M rating. If you don't like a little bit of lady love then you shouldn't read this.

_**Part 6 - Realize**_

**But, it's not all the same, no, it's never the same**

**If you don't feel it too. If you meet me half way**

**If you would meet me half way**

**It could be the same for you.**_ (Colbie Callait – Realize)_

__**Olivia**

Olivia woke up the next morning in a warm, soft bed.

But something was off. It wasn't quite right.

This wasn't her bed. It didn't smell like her room.

In fact, it smelled like. . .

A different kind of laundry, a different kind of shampoo.

It smelled like something familiar, something that woke Olivia more.

It was something utterly intoxicating.

She was in Alex's bed. Oh boy.

As memories of the previous night flooded back to her, she shook the sleep from her mind and remembered what happened.

Serena attacking her, the pain and blood on her shoulder (which was still sore by the way).

The subway trip to Alex's apartment. Telling Alex all about her past, listening to Alex's story.

And then. . .

She felt a roaring rush of pleasure pulse through her veins as she remembered the kiss.

It was beautiful.

It was perfect.

It was hands down, the best kiss she had ever experienced.

Olivia thought she had found the one. They had fun together, they laughed together, and phew! They were certainly attracted to one another. How could it get any better than this?

But then Alex closed up, she wasn't sure about what was happening between them.

Olivia understood where she was coming from, she had been hurt, and had recently been sexually assaulted, so it was understandable that she would be wary of a relationship.

Olivia knew that if Alex could just open her eyes to what they could have together, if she could realize how good they were together, she would understand how Olivia felt.

But Alex wasn't sure.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**Alex  
><strong>

She woke up. She rolled over and looked at Olivia. Olivia was already awake, she was propped up on her elbow and was gazing at Alex with her deep chocolate eyes.

Their eyes meet, and Alex realized she'd been watching her.

Alex thought back on everything that happened last night and couldn't stop the flood of emotions from going through her mind. The kiss was magical, the best she had had, better than with Quen, even.

But was she ready for this?

She decided she wasn't ready to talk about it just yet.

Alex sat up and smiled at Olivia.

'Good morning,' she said.

'Morning.' said Olivia, her voice was deep and husky from sleep, and Alex had to stop her eyes from fluttering shut at the sound of it.

She took a deep breath and pushed the covers back.

'So what do you want for breakfast?'

She didn't look at Olivia but knew that a frown would be crossing her face. Alex was purposely avoiding it.

'Ummm..' Olivia bit her lower lip. 'Doesn't matter to me. Anything.'

'Ok, let's make pancakes.'

Alex swung her legs over the side of the bed and made her way to the bathroom and shut the door behind her. After she used the toilet, she splashed water on her face and looked into the mirror. She stared at her neck and thought about Olivia's open and searching mouth on it. She shivered.

_Shit_, she thought.

She walked out of the bathroom and found herself face to face with Olivia.

'Hey,' she managed to stutter out. 'Bathroom's all yours.'

Olivia frowned again. 'Thanks,' she said quietly.

Alex walked into the kitchen and started to pull down ingredients for pancakes. Normally Mae, the family's cook would make her breakfast, but she had the weekends off.

She was in the middle of putting together the dry ingredients when she heard the key turning in the door.

_Uh oh_, she thought. She hadn't warned her mother that Olivia was staying over. They hadn't even met each other yet. Alex's mind began to race. _Would she know as soon as she saw Alex that she had been with a girl again? Would she be able to sense it, somehow? It was only a kiss, but she would know. She would definitely know. And what would she think of Olivia?_

She didn't have time to think of anything else when her mother walked in the door by herself with several shopping bags in her arms.

'Alexandra, dear. Good morning. Are you making breakfast?'

'Yes, mother.'

She'd better tell her about Olivia before she walked in and surprised Virginia. Her mother hated surprises.

'For myself and Olivia. She stayed over last night.'

She glanced quickly at her mother and saw the frown she expected to see.

'Olivia? That friend you've mentioned playing basketball a couple of times with?'

'Yes. That would be her.'

'Why did she stay over?'

Alex didn't know what to say, should she divulge a little of Olivia's private life. Ah well, better to be truthful.

'She and her mother had a fight.'

Virgina pursed her lips. 'I see,' she said.

At that moment, Olivia walked in, looking refreshed and clean, she had just showered apparently. She had borrowed one of Alex's shirts and a pair of her shorts.

Alex couldn't help but feel a small flush of affection for the dark-haired girl who had helped herself to her UCONN basketball t-shirt.

She had to fight the smile from exploding out onto her face.

_I shouldn't feel this way about Olivia. I shouldn't. I have to stop_. _And anyway, Mother will see it on my face._

Olivia stopped in her tracks when she caught sight of Alex's mother, memories of what Alex had told her about rushed back to her. The things Virginia had said to and about her own daughter were deplorable.

Alex felt the guilt of what they had done the night before creep onto her face. Several different thoughts crowded her mind at once.

She couldn't let her mother know about what they had done. For one, she'd be pissed with Alex and who knows what kind of punishment she'd have to endure. For another thing, Olivia would be banned from their home, they probably wouldn't be allowed to hang out anymore.

_But why am I worried about that? I wanted to stop this didn't I? _

When she was seriously faced with the thought of never experiencing Olivia's lips again, she felt sad and anxious and almost sick to her stomach. Maybe she didn't feel so guilty about what they had done after all.

The silence in the room was becoming deafening.

Alex looked back and forth between her mother's and Olivia's expectant faces and finally spoke.

'Mother, this is Olivia. Olivia, meet my mother.'

Olivia strode forward and held out her hand for Virginia to shake. Virginia hesitated for a split second. But a woman of high society was never rude to someone's face. So she took Olivia's hand and shook it, but it looked to Alex like she let go of Olivia's hand a little too quickly and her grip was far too slack.

_What was she doing? _

'Nice to meet you,' said Olivia, smiling tightly.

'And it's nice to meet you as well. What did you say your last name was?'

'Oh, um, Benson.'

'Really? I suppose your father is white then, is he? You look a bit Arabic or European, but Benson isn't an ethnic name.'

Olivia was a bit shocked and didn't know what to say. No one had ever asked her that before… Her darker complexion made her look a little different and possibly of a different ethnicity than Caucasian, but honestly?

'I. . . Uh. . . I don't know very much about my father, actually.'

Alex stood, mouth agape, staring at her mother. _She's kidding right? Surely that didn't come out of her mouth!_

'I see, and so your mother raised you all by herself? That must have been difficult, what does she do for a living?'

Her tone was condescending and Olivia was getting her feathers rumpled more and more by the minute.

'She's a professor at NYU.'

She tactfully left out the part about Serena being fired for her drinking problem. That wasn't a necessary part of the explanation, especially not for this woman.

'That's wonderful. Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to go put up these new clothes. It was nice to meet you, Olivia.'

She flashed a close-lipped smile at the flustered girl and walked around the corner towards her bedroom.

Olivia looked over at Alex, whose face still held a look of shock and horror at her mother's antics.

Alex slowly turned to look at Olivia. She walked over to where Olivia stood and said, 'Olivia, I'm so sorry. I don't know why she's acting like this.'

'I do.' said Olivia, frowning, understanding more about Alex's mother than her own daughter apparently. 'I'm. . .uh. . I'm gonna go.'

She started to walk back towards the bedroom to gather her things when Alex grabbed her arm. The flour from the dry ingredients was still on her hands and it left a hand-shaped white dusting on Olivia's arm.

Olivia didn't seem to care. Olivia turned and their eyes met. Hers were full of hurt and confusion.

'Liv, wait. Don't go, please.'

Alex's eyes were pleading and her voice was quiet. She didn't want her mother to overhear.

'You want me to stay here? Alex, your mother doesn't like me because of what I look like. I'm not gonna stay where I'm not welcome.'

'She just has to get to know you, come on Liv, please? Just give her a chance.'

But that was the wrong thing to say. Olivia's brown eyes blazed like molten fire.

'Give HER a chance?' she whispered loudly. 'And what kind of a chance has she already given me?'

With that, she pulled her arm out of Alex's grasp and stalked away

Olivia grabbed her clothes, left the bedroom and pushed past Alex through the kitchen.

'Thanks for letting me stay. See you at school Monday.'

'Liv,' but it was too late. She was out the door and gone.

Alex wanted to cry. She wanted to throw everything she could get her hands on in the kitchen. She was so mad at her mother she could barely see straight.

After she had dumped all the flour and other dry goods into the trash, she not-so-quietly dumped the bowls and spoons in the kitchen sink. She went into her room and sank down into her bed. Too mad to cry, she fell sideways onto her pillow and wished her mother had never come home.

She was enveloped by Olivia's smell on the pillow and felt her heart flutter again. Alex slapped her hand to her forehead. .

_Shit_, she thought. _Shit shit shit._

She realized she really was falling for Olivia. Why else would she be so upset over her leaving. Why else would she be so mad at her mother for offending Olivia.

Why else would she feel almost sick with longing right now?

Was it simply lust?

Could be. But it was hard for her to tell the difference.

Regardless of what you call it, she was smitten. And she knew what she wanted now. And when Alex Cabot wanted something. . . She went after it until it was hers.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

At school that next Monday, Alex looked for Olivia before school started. The brick wall was cold and lonely outside the steps leading up to the school's doors. The air was cold and it burned her throat as she breathed it in.

As she waited for Olivia, she thought back on everything her mother had said that weekend when Olivia was at the apartment. The thought that her mother could be so backward was almost too hard to wrap her mind around. Of course, there weren't many different ethnicities when they lived in their quiet little Connecticut town. But she couldn't get past the fact that her mother had lived through the actual Civil Rights movement as a young woman, witnessed everything that took place back then, and still believed that she was superior to others because of the color of her skin. She shook her head sadly.

Her mother would probably defend herself and say that it was the way she was raised that caused her to be so bigotted. But Alex knew better. Each person chooses for themselves what they want to believe.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she almost didn't see Olivia in the crowd of students streaming towards the front doors. Olivia didn't see her, but Alex looked her up and down as she walked up the sidewalk. She wore a black knit cap and a scarf to fend off the cold October air, her backpack looked a bit heavy and her eyes were downcast. Her cheeks were a little flushed from the wind and her face was sad, her full lips in a tight line.

"Olivia!" Alex let her voice carry over the noise of the students bustling past her.  
>She looked up, her eyes scanning in the general direction that Alex's voice came from. When Alex's eyes met Olivia's, she expected to see some sort of smile or sign of happiness. But Olivia's didn't light up, she still carried that air of sadness, that brooding and dark way that she often had about her.<p>

"Hey Alex," she said, leaning up against the wall next to Alex.

"How was the rest of your weekend?" Alex asked tentatively.

Olivia allowed a shadow of a smile, albeit a sarcastic one, to pass over her lips. "Not bad. Mom was out, not sure where she went, but it didn't matter."

Alex tried to find a connection in her eyes, she stared into them, searching for that flirtation they had shared before that weekend. She yearned for it, needed it. Needed Olivia.

"I missed you," said Alex. "I wish we could have had more time to hang out."

Finally, she found what she was looking for when the crease between Olivia's eyebrows smoothed out. Just a few seconds of looking into each other's eyes was enough. Olivia gave a small smile. Alex was holding a couple of her books close to her chest, her bare hands numb against the cold. Olivia reached out and absently touched the back of Alex's hand. The small touch sent shivers down Alex's spine and if asked she might have said it was summer in Florida at that moment. The heat that flooded her system from one touch astounded her.

"You're cold," Olivia said quietly. "Let's go inside."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

In chemistry later that day, instead of learning about stoichiometry and valence electrons, Alex and Olivia passed notes back and forth. They had to do it secretly so that their teacher wouldn't catch them and read what they were writing to the entire class. Fortunately for them, the lab tables in the classroom allowed them to sit next to each other without having to worry about the constraints of regular desks.

Olivia pretended like she was taking notes while their teacher droned on and on about endless useless things, but she was really writing on a separate sheet of paper. It already had its share of doodles and funny cartoons of the teacher, their coach, and anything else they could think of to help them pass the time. Today was the day basketball workouts began. Volleyball was still in the playoffs, but they would be sharing gym time from now until they either lost or went all the way. Olivia and Alex were both excited about it, and their cartoons reflected their giddiness. The most recent exchanges were taking on a flirtatious tone. She finished what she was writing and slid it stealthily over to Alex.

Alex glanced down at it after she made sure the teacher had her back turned. It didn't say much, just one line. But that was all it took to send a rush of surprise and pleasure straight to her core.

_All I can think about is your mouth on me._

Alex looked over at Olivia, who was blushing and looking down at her actual chemistry notes.

'Wow,' she whispered. 'You really know how to get a girl going.'

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

When the bell rang signaling the last period of the day, the basketball girls congregated in the locker room of the gym and horsed around until Coach Fisher pushed open the door and smiled broadly at them.

"Girls," he said in his deep, booming voice. "This is the year we win ourselves a state championship. Let's hand out your practice gear and get started."

The girls whooped and hollered and made as much noise as they could on the lockers and benches. They followed him to the equipment room and received their workout clothes and new shoes for the season.

Alex was a bit nervous about her first practice with Coach Fisher and the team in the actual basketball season, but she gained more and more confidence as they went along. They were juniors now, and had a year of playoff experience behind them.

For Alex and Olivia, playing together was fun, they worked well together after having played after school every day for several months at the beginning of school. But they were still competitive, and they both found that their tempers flared a little more when the other was sharing court time. The drills Coach Fisher put them through were tough, and the team was a bit sloppy, having not played together in a while. Even the simple three-on-two which should have been second nature to a playoff-experienced team was a bit rough around the edges.

First, Olivia missed an easy lay-up that Alex had set her up perfectly for with a well-placed lob over a defenders head. Alex shook her head, but didn't say anything. But Olivia could sense Alex's feelings after the play. She didn't appreciate the look Alex had on her face. The next time Olivia brought the ball down the court, she fake passed to the left and threw it hard to Alex. Alex wasn't expecting it and she realized in a split-second that Olivia knew she wasn't fully looking at her. The ball hit her right on the tip of her ring finger on her left hand. It made a THWOP noise and jammed her finger immediately .

'Oh SHIT!' she muttered quietly, cradling the hurt hand and bending over from the pain.

The play stopped immediately and Coach Fisher jogged over to her.

'You okay?' he asked.

'Yeah, just jammed it. I'll be alright.'

'Ok, trooper, let's run it again.'

But Alex was pissed. Olivia knew she wasn't looking and threw that pass anyway. _What does she expect? For me to NOT get mad at her for missing an easy shot? _

The practice went on like that, with Alex and Olivia throwing each other heated glances and bumping into each other a little too hard when they were on opposite squads. Olivia was reminded of the first time she ever saw Alex. During that basketball game between Cathedral and St. John's when she had been the one guarding Alex.

Alex was pushing her body up against Olivia's just like she had last year during the game. She was posting up, asking for the ball, pushing Olivia backwards while trying to make some space in the lane. Olivia wasn't going to give in easily. She pushed back, pressed her pelvis up against Alex's ass, and wrapped her arm and right leg around Alex's front, denying the ball.

Their shoes squeaked on the hardwood floor, and sweat dripped off their bodies as they battled in the lane. Alex finally got her hands on the ball and tried to shoot over Olivia. Olivia reached forward and swiped at the ball, missing it completely and making solid contact with Alex's arm. The ball went flying and Olivia's slap was audible throughout the gym.

Coach Fisher blew his whistle. He didn't want things getting out of hand with the new girl, tempers were flaring enough already.

'Alright girls, that's enough for today. Let's stretch a little and break out.'

Alex couldn't believe Olivia had blatantly fouled her like that. She was a little out of control. But the contact they had in the lane she certainly wasn't complaining about. That was pretty hot.

After they broke out, Alex stayed behind to shoot free throws, and Olivia followed the rest of the team into the locker room. Alex tried to make eye contact with her but was unsuccessful.

When she had shot about 30 good free throws, she put the ball up and pushed the door open to the locker room. A quick glance around told her that everyone had already gone home.

That is . . . almost everyone.

There was one locker left open. And sitting in front of it, lounging almost panther-like, was Olivia.

'Oh, hey,' Alex said, avoiding eye contact now that she and Olivia were alone. She walked over to her locker and lifted the lock to dial in the combination. 'I didn't realize anyone was still here.'

'Just me,' purred Olivia.

Alex still didn't look at Olivia as her fingers stumbled over the lock, betraying her nervousness. The tension that had built up during practice had spilled over into this moment. Their feelings were increasing so much that it was almost too much to bear. During practice, it became harder and harder for them not to touch each other, and now they were all alone.

She didn't hear Olivia stand up, but a second later she did feel Olivia behind her. Her hands lightly touched her hips and moved forward, sliding across her front, pulling Alex's back to her chest. Olivia ran her hands over Alex's abs, feeling the contours and reveling in the firmness she found. Alex could feel Olivia's muscled torso and sports bra clad breasts pressing up against her and she was immediately flooded with wetness. The butterflies in her stomach were dancing around like candy in a piñata.

She could feel Olivia's hot breath on her neck and shoulder.

Olivia had thought about what she wanted her first time with a girl to be like. She wanted the romance and all of that. But right now, at this moment, none of what she had thought about could even come close to what she was feeling. She didn't care about the romance. She didn't care about taking things slow anymore. All she could think about was having Alex's body as close to hers as it could possibly be.

But Alex was still unhappy about Olivia's behavior during practice. Before Olivia knew what was happening, Alex had whipped around and grabbed Olivia's wrists. For a thin girl, she was stronger than she looked. She spun them around and now had Olivia pinned against the locker by the wrists. The surprise in those dark chocolate eyes only added fuel to Alex's fire.

Alex leaned forward and Olivia's eyes fluttered closed. Instead of going for Olivia's lips, though, she went for her ear, whispering in a husky voice.

'You need to learn to trust me on the court. I'm on your team. And I'm only trying to make you better.'

This was not what Olivia wanted to hear. She wanted Alex to kiss her, not to scold her. She pushed against Alex, straining to release her wrists from the tight grasp.

'Oh, no you don't, Liv,' Alex squeezed tighter, now using her leg to spread Olivia's apart. The use of the nickname only added to Olivia's arousal. She pushed with her thigh up against Olivia's center, smiling when Olivia's head went backwards and made solid contact with the metal locker. Olivia didn't seem to mind the pain her head was surely experiencing. She ground back against Alex's leg, searching for more contact, anything to ease the ache that was growing in intensity there.

'You wrote earlier that all you could think about was my mouth on you. . well . . I can arrange that. But, we're doing this MY way, whether you like it or not,' Alex smiled and briefly took Olivia's ear lobe into her mouth. She grinned even wider when she heard the gasp escape her lover's mouth. 'And I have a feeling you are most . . definitely . . going to like it.'

She darted her tongue into Olivia's ear and let go of her wrists. But Olivia had no time to react as Alex fully attacked her. It felt as if her mouth was everywhere, leaving trails of burning kisses all along her neck and jawline. The salty taste of sweat left over from practice didn't bother Alex a bit. Olivia tasted delicious and Alex was completely ready to devour her.

Olivia thought she might melt from all the attention and different sensations she was receiving from Alex, but when Alex bit down on the juncture between her neck and trap muscle, she was brought rushing back to reality and let out a low hiss. Whether it was from pleasure or pain, she couldn't tell.

'That was for my jammed finger,' mumbled Alex. Olivia's hands roamed Alex's body now, exploring it and journeying up and down Alex's muscular back. Her hands made their way back up to Alex's front, and when she took both of Alex's breasts in her palms, she felt her clit pulse with need.

She threw her head back again as Alex sucked on a particularly sensitive spot on her neck. But she couldn't take it anymore. She needed more.

Olivia grabbed Alex's hand and brought it to the front of her shorts. Alex stopped kissing her neck and looked into Olivia's eyes.

Olivia saw the concern that Alex's deep blue eyes held and realized that she talked a big game but she truly cared about pushing Olivia too far too fast.

'Are you sure?' Alex asked, wanting permission.

'Alex,' Olivia groaned. 'I'm not sure how much more clear I can be. I need you. Now.'

Alex looked deeply into Olivia's eyes. She saw trust reflected back in them. She brought their lips together in a searing kiss. The feeling of their mouths moving together was such an incredible sensation for Alex that she thought her chest might explode. The hand that was resting above the waistline of Olivia's shorts moved deeper, slipping past compression shorts and down, down into wet heat.

Olivia opened her mouth, allowing Alex better access with her tongue. One of her hands was clinging to the back of Alex's neck, and the other was wrapped around her waist, both were trying desperately to pull her closer, as close as possible.

Alex pushed her hand deeper in between Olivia's legs. And her middle finger, on its way to its destination brushed lightly past Olivia's clit. She almost cried out from the intense pleasure that shot straight through her.

The hands that gripped Alex's back and neck tightened and Alex knew she was ready for more. She wet her middle finger with the copious moisture that Olivia already had, and teased her entrance with it.

Alex broke apart from their kiss and pulled back, looking into Olivia's eyes.

She pushed her way into Olivia, slowly at first, and when she felt confident that Olivia was truly ready, she thrust all the way in. Olivia's eyes rolled back in her head and she took in a mouthful of air. She continued to gasp as Alex moved her finger back and forth inside of her.

'Oh. . My. . God..' she managed to get out before Alex closed the gap between them and returned her attentions to Olivia's neck. The sounds Olivia was making were contributing so much to Alex's arousal that she realized she wouldn't need very much to reach her climax.

And she certainly didn't. Olivia squirmed in Alex's arms, rolling her hips up to meet every one of Alex's thrusts. Alex's palm was making contact with Olivia's clit with every thrust, making her head spin with different sensations. Her breath was coming shorter and shorter, and she began to make small sounds of pleasure. Alex needed to relieve some of her own building pressure between her legs. She positioned herself so that she was straddling one of Olivia's thighs. She ground against it and almost lost control immediately.

When she found a sensitive spot inside of Olivia, she let Alex know immediately with the sounds she was making. She grabbed Alex's ass with both hands and pulled her more firmly onto her thigh. She wanted Alex to come as badly as she wanted to experience it for herself.

And she was close. So close . . . And all it took was Alex biting down again on her shoulder to send her over the edge.

She felt pure bliss as her muscles clenched involuntarily around Alex's finger. Over and over they contracted, and she closed her eyes. Her breath momentarily left her and she was surprised at the force of the feelings washing over her.

Surely nothing would ever feel this good again. And then another wave hit her and proved her wrong. And the way Olivia looked as she came was so erotic and primal to Alex that she tumbled over the edge right behind Olivia, grinding against her leg, riding out her orgasm.

As they caught their breath, Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. After a short while, she lifted up her head and met Olivia's gaze.

'Wow,' Olivia breathed. And then she laughed.

When she didn't stop laughing, Alex frowned. 'What? Why are you laughing?'

Olivia sighed and smiled. 'I just had my first time with a girl inside a bathroom.'

'This is a locker room. And where else would you have a first time with a girl?' Alex asked with a straight face.

Olivia punched her lightly on the arm. 'Shut up. That was incredible, by the way.'

Alex blushed.

. . . . . .. . .. . . . . . . . . . . . .

A/N - by the way, I forgot to put the song titles and performers on the previous pages so I'll do that here. Don't sue me for using their lyrics, if anything I'm promoting the music!

Part 2 – Dirty Little Secret by All American Rejects  
>Part 3 – Collide by Howie Day<br>Part 4 – Move Along by All American Rejects  
>Part 5 – I'm Crazy For This Girl by Lifehouse<br>Part 6 – Realize by Colbie Callait 


	7. Chapter 7

A/N – Hello readers. I couldn't help but put all these lyrics for 'secret' on here. I love love the song and Missy Higgins and I thought it went well with this part of the story. If you haven't heard this song, go listen to it. Now.

**Part 7 - Secret**

**You were from the North, I was from the South  
>We were from opposite places, different towns<br>But I knew it was good and you knew it was too  
>So we moved together like a ball and chain<br>Minds becoming two halves of the same  
>It was real, but in shadows it grew<strong>

**Cos you've got a secret don't ya babe?**

**I would've shouted loud and broken through  
>I would've given it all to belong to you<br>But there were different plans, different rules  
>You said "where I'm from there is a lock and key<br>If you'd be so kind as to follow me  
>I will show you the way to the rest of my sins"<strong>

**-Missy Higgins**

They lived beneath a veil it seemed. It was dark beneath the veil, but the darkness held a strange, enticing energy. That energy was the taboo. It was forbidden and the taboo fruit was that much more tantalizing. Each sweet, stolen kiss held the significance of something they wanted to keep to themselves.

Each caress, albeit sometimes rushed and hurried behind closed doors, was filled with so much desire and excitement that it became an addiction. They craved to be near one another. The scent of the other was intoxicating and was sure to illicit an intense erotic reaction.

It was like having a double life. There was 'normalcy' and conforming to what was expected, and then there was what they had when they were alone. The part of their relationship where they held hands and kissed each other goodbye was hidden and no one knew about it. They were a certain way around each other when there were other people around, and they were almost unrecognizable by themselves. Not that anyone would know that. It was a secret, after all.

They were different in so many ways, one was dark and the other light. Blue eyes contrasted so sharply with deep brown. Intense heat poured from the molten brown, and cool ice from the blue was stark and freezing. They came together, fire and ice, blending together into such an unexplainable combination. Olivia was calm and collected, warm and inviting. She could melt hearts and worm her way into any situation with her soothing voice. But she was a fireball with a temper if something warranted her fury.

Alex was chilly. She never let anyone close to her. Sure, she was friendly enough and kind, certainly. But she had been hurt and she kept her emotions inside. It was hard for her to show affection, even. Hugs and kisses from her busy parents were few and far between, and she had never been very touchy feely anyway. She kept her distance from teachers and coaches, staying quiet and diligently doing her work. She led by example rather than out loud, her actions defined her.

But when they came together, when they were alone and during the rare times when they could keep their hands off each other, they talked. They argued and talked and bantered and joked and gossiped and teased. Alex came out of her closely guarded shell, and Olivia was the reason for it. They found that they didn't have to force conversations, that every sentence uttered didn't have to have a purpose. They could just be themselves and forget about the pressures of the world outside the door.

And Olivia quickly discovered that she loved to get under Alex's skin. All it took was a single sentence. Whatever it was that Alex felt strongly about, and those things were many, Olivia would find some way to challenge Alex, to make her argue. Olivia found that an intense and enlivened Alex was the Alex she liked the best. When Alex was arguing her point, oftentimes in a circular and confusing way, Olivia tuned out the meaningless words and focused in on her lover. She watched Alex's lips, how they would purse whenever she paused. As she thought through a more complex point, she would bite down on her lower lip, but only one half of it, and sometimes she would wet her lips with her tongue. Oh, that was the best part. That tongue slipping out to moisten those fleshy pink lips that brought Olivia so much pleasure was such a turn-on that she usually had to shift in her seat to relieve some of the building pressure.

Alex never noticed though, she was too busy getting her point across. She had no idea the effect she had on Olivia. Eventually, Olivia would have enough of hearing Alex's endless rants about this or that political idea or religious sect. Alex's lips were moving, but Olivia wasn't concentrating on the sounds coming out of them. She couldn't help herself. Those lips were captivating. They were full and luscious, and when Alex periodically wet them with her tongue, mmm. When Olivia could no longer stand the absence of Alex's lips on her own, when the urge to close the distance between them became too great, she would lean forward suddenly, her mouth closing in on Alex's.

Their kiss always felt so perfect, they seemed to fit like a lock and key together, each one knowing somehow exactly what the other liked and needed. Their mouths moved together, as one, exploring the depths and secrets. It was never only one of them that initiated a deeper kiss. They could both sense the urgency of the other, the desire to be closer, to search further. The kiss seemed to deepen of its own accord and their tongues clashed together in a friendly battle for dominance.

Both of their personalities were so strong that it was often a fight for dominance. Alex discovered soon enough that when she did finally gain control, Olivia relinquished fully. It seemed strange that Olivia, with her tough exterior, enjoyed it when Alex took the reins. Olivia had no trouble, once the battle was lost, allowing Alex to ravish her, to just let Alex love her. On the other hand, though, Alex had a harder time letting go. She enjoyed the power that came along with her dominance, but she couldn't stop her mind from racing as Olivia tried to coax her to her peak. It was often only when she was on top, or with her mouth in between Olivia's legs that she found herself turned on so much that she couldn't stop the orgasm from rushing towards her. And it was always powerful, and she realized soon enough that she liked to give more than she liked to receive.

Alex wondered if her fear of being found and the buried guilt over their relationship was the reason for her hesitance with Olivia on the receiving end. Perhaps if she was in control, she could make sure no one found out, especially her mother. And if she knew in advance what their next move would be, she could have some semblance of consistency in her life. She hated not knowing whether or not people talked about them, whether or not people thought they were together. More importantly to her, though, she didn't want her mother to know what she was up to.

But when two young people begin to fall for one another, when their hearts pound at the first sight of the other, at the thought of the other, when they drift together seamlessly, effortlessly, in a crowd of people, someone is bound to know about it. Someone is bound to notice a difference, a change in their personalities, how they treat each other, the way they fight with one another. And they couldn't help but be at each other's throats because making up was so good.

It was so good in fact, that Alex couldn't help but do what she did.

Olivia had begun to tease her jokingly about her choice of clothes for the day. 'Are you expecting a flood?' she had said, smiling sideways at Alex as she walked her home after practice one day. Alex looked down at the floor and frowned. 'What? No. What do you mean?' Olivia threw her head back and laughed, her eyes twinkling with her joke. 'C'mon Alex, your pants, they're so short.'

Alex rolled her eyes. 'You don't understand, Liv. These are in style now.'  
>'Sure they are.' Olivia teased. 'High waters.'<p>

Alex had already had rough day, her chemistry test wasn't as easy as she had expected it to be and she was worried about several of her answers. So as they walked in to Alex's building past the doorman and into the elevator, she snapped at Olivia.  
>'Shut up, Olivia. Haven't you teased me enough for today?'<p>

'Oh Alex, it's all for fun. You know that. I'm like the little mean girl in kindergarten who pulls the blondes' pigtails because that's the only way I know how to flirt with you.'

'Well, you need to find some other way to flirt. Cause that's not working for you.'

Olivia surprised Alex with her quick movements. She shoved Alex backwards into the wall of the elevator in one quick motion and had her pinned.

'How's this for another way?' Olivia husked into Alex's ear, pressing their bodies together, their breasts colliding as her lips came down on Alex's neck, biting and licking and sucking. Alex almost cried out in surprise, but she couldn't help the rush of arousal from coursing through her at the sheer force and power Olivia had just shown her. Her hands responded seemingly of their own accord, tracing the outline of Olivia's curves, wrapping themselves around her back and neck, pulling her closer. Alex wanted a taste for herself.

Olivia's lips made their way to Alex's mouth, and they became one. Their lips melted together, tongues touched and Alex's butterflies returned full force. Nothing could replace the feeling she got when Olivia touched her, kissed her, held her.

But before they could continue, the elevator dinged and opened on Alex's floor. They pulled apart, gasping for air, looking deeply into one another eyes. Alex saw the raw lust still present in Olivia's deep eyes, and she wanted more. She grabbed Olivia's hand and pulled her out of the elevator. Olivia hesitated and pulled back.

'Wait, Alex,' she said slowly.

'What? What's the matter?'

'I don't really want to go in your apartment. What if your mom is home?'

'She's not. She's at some meeting for some organization.'

Olivia looked skeptical, but Alex tightened her grip and pulled Olivia harder. 'Come on!' Alex took out her key and unlocked the door. As they stepped inside, she pulled Olivia into a reassuring hug, running her hands up and down her back. Olivia hugged her back, grateful for the contact, but eager for more. She was just about to pull back and kiss Alex again when she heard someone clear their throat behind them.

'Shit,' Alex whispered, opening her eyes. She looked over Olivia's shoulder and she saw her mother. And then she saw the expression on her mother's face. Olivia pulled away from Alex and stepped back, turning around. She tried not to panic. After all, they weren't doing anything wrong. They were just about to, though.

'Hello, Mrs. Cabot.'

Virginia said nothing. She continued to stare at Olivia like she was a barnacle on the bottom of her yacht. When she finally broke eye contact with Olivia, she looked at Alex, her eyes boring down into the blonde. Alex tried to look confident and brave, but she quavered under the death stare. That woman could melt steel with her glare, Alex was sure of it.

'Alexandra,' she finally spoke, her voice was shrill and choppy. 'I need to speak with you. Please ask your. . . friend . . . to go home.'

Alex was frozen. They really hadn't even done anything wrong and her mother was acting like this? Maybe there was some other explanation. Had she left her television on or forgotten to make her bed? She didn't know what else to do, so she turned to Olivia and tried to convey her feelings with her eyes. She was sorry and didn't want Olivia to go, but this was for the best.

Olivia nodded slightly, her eyes fearful, scared more for Alex than for herself. She turned and opened the door, turning back before she left to look at the standoff between mother and daughter. _Poor Alex,_ she thought to herself before she shut the door quietly and walked back to the elevator.

Back at the OK Corral, Alex and her mother were still staring at each other. And Virginia's eyes started to fill up with tears. _Great,_ Alex thought. _Here comes the classic guilt trip. _

She knew she would have to be the first to speak. 'What's the matter, Mother?'

Virginia took a deep breath and covered her eyes with a slender, perfectly manicured hand. She didn't answer right away, and finally she said, 'I can't believe you would do this, Alexandra.'

'Do what?' Alex got a little defensive, because after all, her mother hadn't walked in on them naked and in the throes of lovemaking.

'Bring that girl back to our home, and stand there and . . . and . . I don't even know what it is you people call it, but I can't believe you,' she was gushing now, tears falling steadily out of her eyes.

'Mother, we weren't doing anything.'

'So you're telling me you aren't _together_ with that girl?' Her eyes bore deep into Alex's, searching for the truth. Somehow she always knew when Alex was lying. Mothers were typically, inherently talented that way.

And this was an important moment for Alex now, too. She could either come out right now and admit to it and risk everything. Or she could continue to hide it like a coward and try to buy some time before her mother knew the truth. And she was a coward when it came to her mother. She hated lying, but she couldn't help it.

'No, we're not _together_. We're just friends.'

'So what was it you two were doing when I walked into the kitchen? Whatever it was, it didn't look very friendly to me.'

'Friends hug each other all the time. It's completely normal.' While this statement was true, it was false what her alternate intentions in hugging Olivia actually were.

'I don't believe you,' her mother said in a rush of words. She sniffed loudly. 'Don't you know what a _sin_ it is to participate in homosexual practices?'

'Of course I do, Mother. I went to church all these years, too. I can tell you ALL the verses in the old testament that talk about homosexuals.' Alex cringed at the word, knowing it referred to herself.

'And to top it all off, to spite me I'm sure, you've chosen an ethnic girl.' This last statement, her mother practically spat at her, and Alex's heart almost broke. Her mother was a lost cause, a racist, bigoted hypocrite. But she felt helpless. This was her mother, after all. She reverted into cowardice again.

'Whatever,' Alex said, brushing past Virginia and walking towards her room.

'Alexandra, don't you walk away from me. I am not finished speaking to you.'

Before she was fully into her room, Alex turned and glared at her mother, tears welling up in her eyes. 'That's the thing, Mother, you are speaking _to_ me, not _with_ me, so how can we have any sort of discussion that way?' And she slammed the door shut and collapsed on her bed once again.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The next day was rocky for Alex. Virginia had been waiting for her in the kitchen before she walked out the door, and Alex hesitantly waited for her to speak. She grabbed a piece of toast and spread Nutella on it as she waited.

When Virginia finally spoke, it was with a false air of authority, like she was ordering Alex to go to her room as if she were still a child. It was as if she knew Alex would disobey whatever it was she was about to say. 'I forbid you to see that girl anymore, Alexandra.'

Alex rolled her eyes. She knew this was coming. 'Mother, we play on the same basketball team. We have class together. What you're _forbidding_ me from is impossible.'

She finished her toast and took a swig of water from a nearby glass. Virginia looked like she was prepared for this argument, typical Cabot that she was.

'It most certainly is not impossible. I plan on speaking to your father today about having you transferred to a different school.'

Alex's breath caught in her throat and she almost spat out the water she had just put into her mouth.

'What? No! You can't do that.'

'I can, and I most certainly will. I will not have you around that girl. She's a bad influence on you, and I won't allow it.'

Alex's mind went into overdrive. She couldn't stand not being around Olivia. They were best friends, and their relationship was in its infancy. It hadn't even been given the chance to grow into anything more.

'I'll never forgive you for this,' Alex said in a quiet voice. And without looking back at her mother, she grabbed her backpack and walked out the door.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

At school, Alex didn't have to seek out Olivia. She came to Alex immediately as soon as she stepped foot in the building. Her face was anxious and she looked like she hadn't slept much.

'Liv, you look about like me right now. You didn't sleep last night?'

'Of course not, I was too worried about you and what terrible things your awful mother was doing to you.'

Alex almost laughed, but the seriousness of their situation held any sort of good feelings at bay.

Olivia noticed her crestfallen expression and she raised her hand to lift Alex's downcast chin so that their eyes would meet. Alex's eyes fluttered shut briefly at the light touch. It amazed her what Olivia could do with only one touch. When their eyes met, Olivia asked, 'What's wrong, what else happened?'

Alex sighed. She spoke quietly and low so that no one around them could hear. The students filing past them were bustling and focused on getting to their lockers. As she recounted to Olivia the events of the previous night and that morning and everything her mother had said and threatened her with, Olivia's beautiful brown eyes turned stormy and dark with anger.

'But. . but. . ' she stuttered, desperately looking into Alex's face, hoping it was all a joke. 'She can't do that, can she? She can't make you transfer?'

Alex didn't respond. Her eyes almost filled with tears again, but she managed to hold them back. She shrugged. 'I don't know. Maybe.'

'Alex…' Olivia's eyes were pleading.

'I know,' said Alex, understanding Olivia's despair. 'I know. But I'll talk to my dad. He won't let it happen.'

Olivia nodded, but she wasn't relieved of her anxiety just yet. She didn't want to lose the thing that they had only had a small taste of. It was wonderful and new and lovely. And now it was about to be ripped away.

Part of Olivia wanted to shout it to the world, while the other part was scared of the world and the consequences, and Alex was stuck woefully in her closet, held inside primarily by her mother.

. . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


	8. Chapter 8

A/N – It's been a while since I updated, but I got kinda stuck after chapter 7. So I wrote that Smell and Memory one shot and that seemed to get me back in the swing of things. It also helped that I went camping and skiing for spring break so I had plenty of time to think about how I wanted this to go. Hope you enjoy. And I should remind you again that this is still rated M. I still don't claim to own any of these characters. I wish, but they're Dick Wolf's.

p.s. – I also got tired of writing Olivia's and Alex's points of view, so this one has them both all lumped together. Haha! Hope you don't mind.

_**Part 8 – Playing Hooky**_

**Those three words**  
><strong>Are said too much<strong>  
><strong>They're not enough<strong>

**If I lay here**  
><strong>If I just lay here<strong>  
><strong>Would you lie with me<strong>  
><strong>And just forget the world?<strong>  
><strong>(<strong>_Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars_**_)_**

It was September, still warm, still felt like summertime, and Olivia was restless. She was restless for action, wanting to get out and do something for once instead of being stuck inside. She was sick of being cooped up inside while the weather was so nice.

As she walked towards Cathedral High School, she took a deep breath. Lovely. Garbage and fuel exhaust. The smell of grease from nearby restaurants invaded her nostrils. _God, I gotta get out of here. I need fresh air. _An idea struck her. All she had to do was convince Alex to go along with her.

It wasn't hot like in June and July. It was just starting to cool off and the sun wasn't so blistering hot that a person couldn't stand it. It was the perfect day to get away.

So she was antsy, nervous that Alex wouldn't agree to her plan and as soon as she met up with Alex in the entryway to the school, she couldn't hide her excitement.

'Hey, love.' said Alex quietly, walking up to Olivia and briefly squeezing her hand. She looked around, not wanting anyone to see the small, but intimate gesture.

Olivia took it in stride, used to it by now. She had convinced herself at this point that letting anyone know about their relationship would probably be detrimental to the both of them.

Alex looked into Olivia's eyes and saw the vast mix of emotions playing across her features. Chief among them was excitement.  
>'What's up,' asked Alex questioningly, wondering where that mischievous gleam in Olivia's eye was coming from.<p>

Olivia leaned into her, not wanting anyone to hear.

'I have an idea,' she said conspiratorially.

'Oh yeah?' said Alex, raising an eyebrow.

'Yeah.' said Olivia. ' Let's ditch school today. Let's go to the beach!'

Alex didn't know what to say. She was a good student and was always worried about getting her homework done on time and making sure everything was prepared, mainly so her teachers wouldn't be disappointed in her. She was working on studying for her ACTs and SATs as well so she didn't have much free time. This was something she had never thought about doing. Actually skipping school on purpose? And to top it off, she had just recently been in trouble by her mother for being sort-of caught with Olivia.

The glint in Olivia's eye didn't diminish.

'C'mon Alex. You're at school every single day. You never miss a class. You never even want to leave class. Not even to visit the bathroom.' At this last remark Olivia waggled her eyebrows and Alex rolled her eyes.

'I can't do that, Olivia. I can't just skip school.'

'Why not?'

'I'll miss something important. And what if my mother finds out? She'll kill me.'

At this mention of Alex's mother, Olivia couldn't help but sigh and roll her eyes. Once again, Alex was kept in her secure little box, unable to escape, not knowing how really, and the key to the padlock keeping her in was held by none others than Mrs. Virginia Cabot. Virginia had just recently threatened to have Alex removed from Cathedral and transferred to another school.

Thankfully for Alex, and certainly for Olivia too, her father was adamant that she stay at Cathedral. It would be too hard to relocate and start over right before her senior year. He was graceful in diffusing the situation and explaining to Virginia that they were just friends. He explained that Olivia was a good influence on her, she had good grades, didn't do drugs or drink, and was polite and respectful to her elders. She gave in, albeit reluctantly, and decided to allow Alex to remain where she was. But Alex often felt trapped, that if she put one toe out of line, she would be shipped away from Olivia and never hear from her again.

And often, when an animal is caged and cornered, it begins to lash out. She was beginning to feel a bit more rebellious and yearned to be free. All urges aside, she couldn't help but feel apprehensive.

'Let's go to Rockaway Beach,' Olivia said excitedly.  
>'Rockaway? But that's all the way past Brooklyn! That's too far, Olivia.'<p>

'It's in Queens. But it is not that far. Some people have to travel more than three or four hours to reach a beach, even more if they live in the Midwest. It's only about an hour and a half for us.'

'I don't know, Liv.' Olivia knew that when Alex used her whole name instead of her nickname that she was pretty serious. But now that Alex had deferred to the nickname, she was getting through to her.

'Come on, it's my favorite beach near the city, and If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it right.'

She was slowly chipping away at Alex's wall.

'Let's just go. It'll be ok, and we'll have so much fun!'

'But I don't have a bathing suit or anything. We don't even have towels.'

Before Alex could stop her, Olivia pulled her further into the school and down the hall to the bathroom. Once inside, and once she had given a quick check under the stalls for feet, Olivia pressed Alex up against the wall and kissed her. Their mouths melded together perfectly.

Breathless after the kiss, Alex opened her eyes.  
>The look on her face told Olivia she'd do anything Olivia wanted.<p>

Olivia lifted up Alex's shirt before she could protest and checked what she was wearing underneath.

'Alex you have a black sports bra on, that's perfect for the beach. And...'  
>Olivia pulled on Alex's jeans, peeking down the front.<br>'Matching panties. It's like Fate knew we wanted to skip school for the beach today. '

Alex rolled her eyes. 'I'm sure you're wearing dark boy shorts and a sports bra as well..?'

Olivia grinned. 'You know me too well, babe.'

She planted another quick kiss on Alex's lips and left the bathroom.

Alex constantly found herself wanting to do whatever Olivia wanted. She couldn't help herself. Olivia's ideas weren't always well thought out or planned. But they always had fun. _Ugh. _So she set her shoulders and took off after Olivia into the hall.

She caught up to Olivia as she was jumping down the front steps, taking them two at a time.

The morning bell rang behind them as they walked past the hoarde of students heading into the building.

'Alright fine,' said Alex as she walked next to Olivia. 'I've never been to Rockaway. It's really your favorite beach?'

Olivia looked sideways at her, flashed her a cocky grin, happy that she had convinced Alex to come along with her, once again. The competitor in her was always present.

'Yes it is. My mom used to take me in the summer when I was younger. I have good memories there. I want to share that with you, make some more memories.'

Alex smiled and grabbed Olivia's hand, surprising her. She thought Alex would drop her hand after a brief squeeze, but she held on.

'That's sweet, Liv. Thank you.'

Olivia couldn't stop the happy feelings from bubbling up within her at the step they just took in their relationship. Sure, they could be two good friends holding hands as women sometimes do. But to her it was a step in the right direction for Alex, who was normally so terrified that anyone would find out. They walked together for a couple of blocks until Olivia led them to the subway station. They swiped their cards and got on the E train and rode it to 42nd street where they switched to the A. The A train would take them all the way down into lower Manhattan, across to Brooklyn and over to Rockaway Beach.

The ride on the A train was long, almost an hour. So they sat close to one another and talked. At times, there would be a lull in their conversation but they sat together in contented silence, happy to be alone and even more happy to not be in school.

There weren't many people on the train with them, as normal people were at work or school. So Alex turned on the seat and propped her legs up in Olivia's lap as she leaned against the window. She closed her eyes and sighed, content and pleased with the contact. It was nice, she was discovering, to touch this girl she loved in public.

Love. It was true by now that she was head over heels for Olivia. How could she not be? She opened her eyes again and stared at Olivia. She was funny and beautiful, in her dark exotic way, athletic and adventurous, always up for making whatever they were doing into a game.  
>She was kind and had a tender heart, and even with all that softness, she was tough and thick-skinned. She had to be. Affection swelled up inside of Alex.<p>

Olivia could feel Alex's eyes on her. She had been looking out the window at the passing scenery, which wasn't much to look at after all. When she turned her head to meet Alex's gaze, the adoration that she saw in them took her by surprise.

Olivia patted Alex's legs affectionately, then she reached over to run the back of her fingertips across Alex's jawline.

'What are you thinking about?'

Alex didn't hesitate. 'That I love you. So much.'

Olivia's eyes widened. This was the first time Alex had said those three words to her.

They had been together almost a year now, and she had finally said it. Granted, Olivia had never outright said it either, but she had certainly mentioned it in passing a few times.

'Alex. Wow.' Olivia found herself at a loss for words, she wanted to tell her how much this meant, how long she'd been waiting to hear those words. She wanted to say so many things, but she was almost speechless. So she settled for the next thing that popped into her head.

'I love you too.'

Alex closed her hand around Olivia's and brought it to her lips. She kissed the hand softly and tried to convey everything she was feeling with that gesture.

When the train finally stopped at the station, Alex swung her legs off of Olivia and they made their way out of the subway station. Outside, Olivia took a deep breath of the salty sea air and smiled.

_That's more like it_, she thought.

She led Alex across the street over to a souvenir shop still open from the busy summer season.

Olivia picked out a beach blanket, a small bottle of sunscreen, and grabbed them a couple of cold waters from the cooler. She reached around in her backpack for her wallet, and Alex put a hand on her arm.

'Let me,' Alex said.

'No, no, this was my idea, so it's my treat.'

'Olivia,' Alex's eyes flashed.

'All right, tell you what, you can buy us lunch. How bout that?'

Alex hesitated and then nodded, taking compromises where she could get them with this stubborn girl.

Olivia spread out the huge beach towel on the sand while Alex set her backpack down and looked around.

Apart from some seagulls fighting each other over some scraps of trash, There was literally no one else on the beach for at least a mile. She could see some tiny people far in the distance, but other than that….

Alex turned away from Olivia, pretending to be shy, while she took off her shirt. Olivia smirked as she watched Alex.

Even though it was funny to her that Alex pretended to care whether Olivia saw her undress or not, Olivia couldn't help but admire the tightening of Alex's lower back muscles as she pulled the shirt over her head. The ripple of her upper back and shoulder muscles weren't terrible to look at either.

As Alex shot a coy look over her shoulder in Olivia's direction, Olivia couldn't help herself.

She rushed Alex, football player style, and threw her over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

Struggling under the weight of the squirming blonde, Olivia managed to bring them both to the water's edge.

'Liv, no! NO! It'll be cold!' Alex squealed like a 5-year-old.

Olivia laughed and prepared to chuck her into the crashing waves.

'Please! My pants! Let me take my pants off!'

Olivia relented. _Fine, _she thought.

She set Alex back on the ground and crossed her arms as she watched the flustered girl unbutton her blue jeans and shimmy out of them. She glared at Olivia as she did this, mad that she was being forced to undress in front of her now. She thought about making a dash back for the safety of the beach, but knew Olivia would just tackle her and get her all sandy.

As soon as Alex got out of her jeans, Olivia whipped her shirt off and stepped out of her own jeans.  
>In a fluid motion, and before Alex could stop her or do anything about it, Olivia had grabbed her and dragged her into the breakers.<p>

Alex squealed again, indignant at the cold, and Olivia let her go and dove under the oncoming wave. To keep from being smacked in the face by the wave, Alex ducked under it, submerging her head in the cool water.

She had to admit, it was nice, and the hands that snaked around her waist from behind were even more nice.

They played around in the water until their skin turned prune-like and thin.

… …

They collapsed on the beach towel, still dripping from the ocean. The drenched brunette pulled Alex to her, grabbing her hands and interlacing their fingers, forcing the blonde to put her whole weight on Olivia. It was an incredible feeling, having a person you are so attracted to and have so much affection for pressed flush up against you. Alex placed her and Olivia's hands above them on the blanket, and she leaned down and closed the distance between their mouths.

The salty taste of Olivia's mouth, combined with their almost nude, wet bodies pressed together on the beach made Alex's head spin. She had to draw back to catch her breath.

'Liv, you're incredible, do you know that?'

Olivia smiled and shook her head, craning her neck up for another taste of Alex's addictive lips and tongue.

'No? Well, let me show you,' Alex murmured.  
>She left Olivia's seeking lips and let her own travel to the brunette's neck, to that weak spot near her pulse point. Olivia turned her head, giving the blonde access, and Alex took and took. She lavished kisses on Olivia's neck, running her tongue around the spot, driving her wild, she knew.<p>

'Oh god, Alex,' Olivia moaned.

But she wanted more. She wanted to take Olivia right here on this beach. To ravish her completely. Alex let her hand trail down Olivia's body as she moved her weight to the side.

Her hand explored the crests and valleys of Olivia's torso, took in the defined landscape of her abdominal muscles, and made its way down to tease entrance under the still damp black boy shorts.

Her mouth took possession of Olivia's, claiming it as her own, exploring it with her tongue, dominating the brunette for a short while.

Olivia couldn't stop herself. She was quickly spiraling out of control. She thrust her hips up to meet Alex's thigh, wanting, no, needing something more than the teasing touch she was receiving.

She was responding with such enthusiasm, such gusto, that she realized she was hurtling quickly towards her release. She had to get Alex to touch her, somehow, to prolong her experience instead of crashing over the edge with hardly any coaxing.

Craning her neck, she whispered hoarsely in Alex's ear.  
>'Touch me. Please.'<p>

Alex smirked as she looked down into Olivia's desire-filled face. She had the girl exactly where she wanted her.

'You mean like this?' Alex questioned as she pushed her hand further inside Olivia's shorts, spreading her fingers but not actually making contact with the places that Olivia needed her the most.

'Alex, fuck. Please, don't tease.'

Alex took pity on the writhing brunette. She gave Olivia what she wanted and soon Olivia was raking her nails along Alex's back, needing something to hold on to, unable to stop herself.

Alex expected Olivia to come quickly, but what she didn't expect was her own body's response to what she was doing to Olivia.

Giving Olivia that sort of pleasure did quite a number on her, and when Olivia's thigh raised up and provided pressure for her to grind against, she was amazed at how close she really was.

She wanted to hold back and watch Olivia tumble over the edge, but her hips would not agree with her mind. She came suddenly, hard against Olivia's leg, groaning her pleasure into the brunette's ear. She vaguely registered Olivia's inner muscles tightening convulsively around her hand. She swore she could almost see stars, despite the bright sunlight of midday.

They lay panting together on the beach towel, recovering from their exertions.

After a while, Alex looked over at Olivia, who was turning a bit pink in the sun.  
>She gazed down at her own pale, exposed skin and cringed. They should have put on the sunscreen earlier.<p>

'Liv, babe, would you put some sunscreen on me please? I'll do you after you do me...' Alex said with a wry smile.

Olivia sat up, and glared at Alex with false exasperation.  
>'God, woman, what do I look like, your sex slave? I can only handle so much!'<p>

Alex giggled and tossed the sunscreen at Olivia, who caught it with one hand and moved behind Alex. She took her time applying it to Alex's shoulders and back, using her fingertips and palms to massage it in deeply. She reveled in touching the girl, feeling every part of her and enjoying the sounds of pleasure Alex emitted as she worked.

Once Alex had returned the favor, they basked together in the sun, like house cats. Alex was curled up next to Olivia, head resting on her shoulder.

And Olivia was inexplicably happy.  
>She wished it was possible to freeze this moment in time.<br>She turned and kissed the top of Alex's head, and she whispered softly to the lightly dozing blonde.

'Can't we just stay like this forever and ever? Can't you just lie here in my arms, always? '

Alex's eyes fluttered open, the baby blue irises sparkled in the sunlight. She smiled and turned her head up, lifting her mouth to Olivia's. They shared a light kiss, sweet and soft.

'I wish we could, liv. I love being here with you.'

Hearing Alex say this got Olivia thinking. Thinking about her future, Alex's future, their future together. It was hard, she knew, to try and plan so far ahead when they were only seniors in high school, but one thing she did know for certain. She wanted Alex in her life. They were best friends, lovers, and Alex was everything to her.

She turned her head slightly towards the blonde.

'Alex, what are we going to do when we graduate?'

Olivia's voice held concern and a small bit of anxiety at what Alex's answer would be. She knew Alex was set on going to college, a really good college. She had to if she wanted to be a lawyer someday.

Alex sighed. Her parents, her mother in particular, were asking more and more about the colleges she would be applying to, and they wanted to know if she had filled out scholarship applications.

But she just wanted to be a high school kid for a bit longer before she worried about all that. It was stressful, she wanted to be at the top of her class, she was about to take her SATs and ACTs and those scores were important for her future.

So she sat up next to Olivia, and stared off into the ocean. It was beautiful out there, dark blue-grey ocean met light blue sky, fluffy clouds in the distance. Seagulls and the occasional pelican flew overhead.

'I don't know, Liv. I've been trying not to think about it too much.'

'Trying not to think about it? Alex, we're going to graduate in a few months, and this is your future. Our future.'

Alex turned her head to look over at Olivia, and although her eyes had some doubt in them, she smiled. 'Our future,' she said. 'I like that. Liv, we should go together somewhere.'

'What do you mean, somewhere? The movies, the mall?' Olivia was confused at the change of subject.

'No,' Alex reached up and caressed her face, pushing a strand of dark hair behind her ear. 'I mean we should go to the same college together. Where should we go?'

'You really mean that?' Olivia's face lit up with the thought of being a part of Alex's plan.

'Yes I mean it. Picture it, we wouldn't have to sneak around. We could be away from my mother, and we could even be roommates!'

Olivia laughed. 'that would be incredible. But it seems too good to be true. What if I don't get into the same schools as you?'

Olivia had long known that Alex had her sights set on the more prestigious schools, and that her own grades and test scores wouldn't be good enough for those schools.

'We'll find someplace that works for both of us, Liv. We should play ball together somewhere.'

'Yeah, I've thought about that a little. I'd love to keep playing basketball, and we would be great together on the same team. And maybe your mother will warm up to the idea of us living together.' Olivia thought suddenly of Alex's mother welcoming her with open arms as if she were her own child. She burst out laughing.

'Yeah right,' said Alex sarcastically, with a hint of bitterness in her voice.

They talked a bit more about the benefits of being so close to one's significant other during college until they started to doze off again in the warm sunlight.

... ...

And they lay together for a while longer until Alex's stomach let out a loud growl. Olivia looked down at the offending organ and back up at Alex with a raised eyebrow.

'Hungry?' she asked, holding in a laugh.

Alex smiled sheepishly. 'Yeah,' she said, getting up slowly and pulling on her shirt and pants.

'I'm going to get us a couple sandwiches. You stay here.'

Olivia interlaced her fingers and put both hands behind her head. She closed her eyes.

'Alright. I'll be right here, waiting patiently.'

Alex shook her head and took off down the beach towards the street to find food.

She returned with two turkey and guacamole sandwiches and another bottle of water. Handing one to Olivia, she sat down and they enjoyed their meal in amiable silence.

After a while they swam a bit more, playing in the waves and enjoying the beautiful day and empty beach.

When Olivia looked down at her watch, she sighed and looked back up at Alex, who was currently floating on her back, trying to splash water at Olivia with her feet.

'It's time to go, Alex.'

Alex's face immediately fell into a pout.

'No. I'm not ready to go yet.'

_What a darling child she must have been. Not stubborn at all. _'Yes, we've got to go. C'mon, I think I saw a shower up there.'

'Liv, noooo. Don't make me go back,' Alex whined, pulling on Olivia's arm.

'You're a mess, you know that?' Olivia said, smiling at Alex. She pulled the blonde up into her arms and planted kisses on her cheeks, mouth, and neck.

'Maybe I am. But you still love me, regardless.'

'You're right about that. C'mon.'

Alex allowed herself to be dragged out of the water and onto the beach where they gathered up their things, threw their trash away and trudged through the sand towards the small shower head next to the beach access and boardwalk.

The subway ride home was uneventful, but they both found themselves wishing they had more time, that the day was longer.

Not only was Alex wishing that time didn't go by so fast when they were together, she was dreading going home. She was worried that her mother would be notified by the school and that she was about to be in big trouble. Not only would she be yelled at for skipping school, but she would have to explain who she was with and where she was all day.

... ...

She walked in the door, hair still wet and messy from the hasty shower at the beach, and she expected to find her mother waiting for her, ready to bite her head off for skipping class.

What she didn't expect was to see her father. He was sitting at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper. He looked up at her when she opened the door, and his eyes shone with relief as he took in the sight of her.

But Alex didn't miss the anger and disappointment that flashed across his face either.

Of course he was disappointed, she had skipped school and her parents had no idea where she was.

She set her backpack on the floor and walked over to the table. He laid his newspaper down as she pulled out a chair and sat down.

'Alexandra, I got a call from your school today.' His face looked haggard and older than usual. Maybe it was the stress of his job. Or maybe it was her mother, constantly wearing him down.

'Daddy, before you say anything else, I'm sorry. I know I should have let you know where I was.. . But...'

She looked down at her hands guiltily.

'I know, I know. It would've defeated the purpose of playing hooky. I was young once too.'  
>His blue eyes twinkled mischievously. He reminded her of a certain other mischievous person who's eyes sparkled that way.<p>

If her father wasn't too upset about her being away from school, perhaps her mother would be understanding and forgiving as well.

Ha. Who was she kidding? Her mother was going to be pissed. She was in for it.

'What about Mother? Is she mad?'

He shook his head and scratched his ear with one hand. 'You owe me one, Alexandra. I didn't tell her.'

Alex looked bewildered and surprised. 'But how..?'

'The school normally only calls one parent, both if the first doesn't answer. So luckily they called me first and I answered. If it's okay with you, I say we don't tell your mother about this. We don't want to have to move you to another school, do we?'

Alex nodded her head vigorously. She stood up, practically skipped around the table and kissed him on top of his thinning blonde and grey haired head.  
>'Oh, good thinking. Thanks, daddy.'<p>

'You're welcome, dear.' He sniffed at her as she pulled away.

'You smell like faintly fish-like. Where were you anyway?'

'The beach,' Alex replied simply.

'Ah,' he said, 'With Olivia?'

'Yep.' And with that, she grabbed her bag and went to her room, intent on taking a shower and washing away that fishy smell.

Her father smiled at her retreating form, thinking that love looked good on his daughter.


	9. Chapter 9

Rating for this chapter: PG  
>Part 9 – Any Day Now<p>

**How long, how long, how long will we take to come undone?  
>If you know the answer tell me now and I'll write up a calendar for our count down.<br>'Cos what if what we see is all, is all we've got? . . .**

**'Cos finger by finger we're losing grasp and  
>I'm questioning the reason why nothing beautiful does last...<strong>  
><em>(Any Day Now – Missy Higgins)<em>

Alex trudged out of her room, eyes still heavy with sleep. She made her way to the kitchen and sat down heavily at the kitchen table. Mae was busy at the stove, her thick waist and backside shaking up and down as she sautéed whatever it was she had in the pan. She turned around when she heard the chair scrape across the floor behind her and smiled broadly at Alex.

'Good morning my dear,' she said kindly in that accent Alex loved so much, her hazel eyes twinkling as they always did at the sight of the blonde. Mae was like a grandmother to Alex, always around to listen to any story Alex had to tell. She bandaged Alex's bloody knees and elbows as a child, sang her lullabies and played beautiful church hymns and 1930's and 40's songs on the deep mahogany Steinway piano in the living room. Her favorite was Moonlight Serenade, and Alex thought of her every time she heard it later in her life.

And Mae wasn't judgmental; she always seemed to instinctively know what Alex was thinking about, what she was up to. She couldn't get away with anything when Mae was around. But Mae was also her protector, when Alex's mother was cold, harsh, unyielding and unpredictably borderline psychotic; Mae was kind and loving, giving her comfort when she needed it most. She was from the south, North Carolina to be exact, and Alex could never quite get used to the way she spoke. Mae good-naturedly smiled and humored Alex when she asked to hear, for the millionth time, the saying that really exploited that eastern North Carolinian accent. 'Say it Mae, please?'

'You're making fun of me, Alexandra.'

Alex made a face that resembled a puppy dog begging for attention and love. And Mae relented, as she always did.

'Alright, alright,' she cleared her throat. 'There's a maouse in the haouse, get it aout!'

Alex would giggle and smile at Mae. She loved it, mainly because it made Mae unique, especially among people in the North where everyone's accents were rushed and harsh. Such a contrast to the strange drawl that came from Mae's vocal chords.

She thought fondly of those memories as she sat and watched her make breakfast, of Mae going along with her games and antics as a child. And as Mae turned towards her again and placed an egg-white omelet with tomatoes, onions, spinach, and cheese in front of her, Alex smiled warmly at her.

Digging into the eggs hungrily, Alex let out sounds of delight and satisfaction at the wonderful taste. Everything Mae cooked was delicious.

'Mmmmm. Thank you, this is delicious.' And Mae smiled in appreciation, wrapping her wrinkly hands around a mug of coffee. She sat down across from Alex and bit into a piece of toast.

A door thudded softly against the stopper down the hall and Alex's eyes quickly darted towards the entrance to the kitchen. Virginia walked in, dressed in a silk robe with her hair in rollers. She had her makeup on and looked as beautiful and intimidating as ever.

'Morning, Alexandra. Morning, Mae.'

As Virginia poured herself a cup of coffee and had her back to the table, Mae caught Alex's eye and made a mock-terrified face.

Alex almost spit eggs all over the table, but managed to catch herself and pretend like she was coughing. Virginia turned around, concern written on her face. 'Alexandra, dear, are you alright?' Alex nodded. 'Try to chew your food a bit more, dear.'

Alex rolled her eyes and pulled a face at Mae when her mother turned back around.

'So, Alexandra,' Virginia said as she walked to the table, chewing on a corner of a piece of toast. 'What are your plans for the day?'

Alex felt a small amount of panic flush up into her face. It burned red and she didn't know what to say. She had plans with Olivia, but she didn't want to talk to her mother about Olivia. Even mentioning the brunette was rocky terrain, and she had lately taken to lying to her mother. It was easier for her to make up stories about where she spent her time after school and on the weekends than to try and convince her mother that nothing was going on between them.

She was becoming a better liar, improving her tactics and ability to make up stories on the spot. But her weakness what the flush that crept up her neck and into her pale face.

And that flush was happening now as she thought quickly of something to say. She decided to stay close to the truth, to skirt around it a bit. Because the best lies have something of the truth in them.

'After school, I'm going to the volleyball game.'

Virginia was silent for a while as she studied Alex's face. When she spoke she gave Alex a sweet smile. 'That's sounds fun. Who are you going with?'

And this was code for 'Are you going with Olivia?'. And Alex knew what the proper response would have to be.

'The whole basketball team is sitting together. We made posters and we're going to cheer for the girls.'

Maybe if she thought it was a sort-of-mandatory team get together, she wouldn't be upset. And it seemed to work. Virginia accepted it and moved on, speaking to Mae about dinner for that night.

It was time for Alex to finish getting ready for school, so she rinsed her plate off, put it in the dishwasher and made her way silently out of the kitchen and towards her room.

'Oh and Alexandra?' Alex stopped and turned, dreading whatever it was her mother was going to say.

'You've been busy on your college applications, haven't you?'

Alex nodded her head slowly, glad this was a topic she didn't have to lie about. 'Yes, actually,' she said, taking a step back into the kitchen and leaning up against the wall. 'I've been thinking about Queens College, so I sent an application there, and I'm thinking about playing ball there as well. That is, if this season goes well and the coach is interested. It's division II and I think that my level of play is right up there with them.'

Virginia smiled, seemingly pondering the prestige of the school, and upon finding it somewhat satisfactory in her mind, she nodded her head.

'Well, you could do worse I suppose. It's no Harvard though, Alexandra. I would like for you to attend a top tier school, but it is your choice, especially if you get a scholarship.'

Alex knew she couldn't get much better than that with her mother. Surprised that her mother mentioned anything about a choice, she shrugged her shoulders and went to her room.

.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Olivia, oblivious to any conversation about colleges between Alex and her mother, was getting ready for school, once again trying to tiptoe around the apartment so as not to disturb her snoozing mother. Serena still hadn't been able to find a job, after the fiasco with NYU. Her infraction had gone on her records, had stayed with her references, and it seemed that no one wanted to hire a drunk former professor. They were living off Serena's savings, which was dwindling by now, and Olivia managed to take care of herself by babysitting kids in the neighboring apartments. Serena didn't need much food, but an active eighteen-year-old certainly did. So she fed herself with the money she made, not wanting to take anything from her mother, who eyed her with more and more disdain as the years went on, as if she were some sort of parasite.

Alex and Olivia had made plans to grab some ice cream and walk in the park after school. After that, they would head back to school and catch the girls' volleyball game. It was nice to support the other team, and have them come to your games when their season was over and you needed some handmade signs and cheers from the stands.

So she headed off to school and went through the day, meeting up with Alex every now and then in between classes. Their relationship was still good, at least from Olivia's point of view. She still got chill bumps when Alex ran her fingers softly across her palm, when she would look up from hooded lashes, locking her blue eyes with Olivia's brown. When Alex bumped in to her 'accidentally' or whispered something in her ear, Olivia still shivered with pleasure at the feelings Alex could give her.

When the school day ended, they left school, stopped by a store to pick up some ice cream, and walked together the four or five blocks south to Peter Detmold Park. It wasn't a famous park, or a particularly beautifully striking one. But it was close to Cathedral and it felt like a secret garden to the young lovers.

The entrance to the park on 51st street was a bit dark and foreboding, but the brownstone staircase led to trees and shade and a place that reminded you that things could grow and thrive, even in the harsh brick, stone and steel of the city.

Detmold Park was quiet, pleasant. There wasn't much grass, but the ivy growing on the trees and walls of the stairway leading to the actual park gave it a striking similarity to something out of a novel. Perhaps the Wood Between the Worlds where you could almost hear the plants growing.

The made their way to the pedestrian overpass. It was well maintained and stairs next to it led down to a riverside walkway and they held hands as they walked and looked out over the East River. Alex pulled Olivia into her arms and brought their mouths together in a kiss that was full of expressions of their love for one another.

.. . . . . . . .. . . . . . . .

Time flew by, as it always did when they were alone together, so they made their way back to the school, ready for the volleyball game.

They showed their athletic passes to the ticket taker at the door and pushed through the doors of the gymnasium. It looked like it always did, except for the volleyball net set up on the court, but the fans were the same, packing the stands with pom poms and noise makers. There was plenty of support for athletics at Cathedral, especially for the recently successful women's teams.

The basketball team was sitting on the home side way down on the other side of the court. So Alex and Olivia picked their way across people to sit near them. They were separate though, probably two rows back from the rest of the team, wanting to stay a bit away from the group.

The game started and they cheered along with everyone else for their team, proud of the progress the volleyball team had made from years past. They were happy, but mostly because they were together.

As they watched the game, Olivia got to thinking about college and what it would be like for them to play together.

'Can you imagine us on the court together, playing college ball? How awesome would that be?' she asked, leaning in and nudging Alex.

'It would be incredible. You and I at the same college, wearing the same uniform. I can't get over it.' Alex smiled at Olivia, turning her eyes back to the game.

It seemed that Murphy and his law would not be kind to them that day, however. They weren't expecting anyone to be listening, so they were speaking in voices loud enough for people around them to hear. Not that there was anyone around them, or so they thought. Alex felt a strong, thin hand grasp, vice-like, on her shoulder. And a voice hissed in her ear.

'_Alexandra.'_

Alex cringed at the sound and the feel of the hand gripping her shoulder. She knew exactly who it was and she panicked briefly. Pulling herself together long enough to give Olivia a wide-eyed look, she turned around and faced her mother. Alex smiled with what she hoped was innocence.

'Hello, Mother. What in the world are you doing here? You never come to games, not even mine, much less a volleyball game.'

Virginia let Alex's words brush right past her, ignoring them completely.

'Alexandra, I would like to speak to you outside, alone.' She gave a meaningful look towards Olivia and then swung her death-stare back towards Alex.

'Uh,' Alex stuttered, not really wanting to be anywhere alone with her mother. 'Why?'

'I do not _need_ to give an explanation. Come with me before I am forced to make a scene!'

'But Mother...' Alex started.

'Alexandra!' her mother screeched, causing people to turn and stare. 'I am not an idiot, contrary to what you may believe. I know that you lied to me this morning and were surely planning on being with _her._' She inclined her head at Olivia, and the brunette looked away, feeling the spite from Virginia's words and actions.

Alex stood up, not wanting to cause any more of a commotion than they already had and followed her mother out of the gymnasium. She turned back to give an apologetic look to Olivia. She mouthed _I'm sorry _and turned back around.

Outside, Virginia turned on her daughter as soon as they were relatively out of earshot of people loitering around the entrance to the gym. A cat yelped and scampered out from behind a dumpster as the mother and daughter approached the dark alley. It was damp and the darkness itself seemed to muffle their voices and hide them from view.

Alex crossed her arms, subconsciously trying to defend herself from the impending verbal blows sure to come from her mother. She was unhappy with being pulled out of the stands in front of her friends and all the parents, so she spoke up first.

'I don't see what you're so mad about.'

A vein pulsed on Virginia's temple. She was mad.

'Do not play dumb with me. You lied to me this morning.'

'I did not. I said I was going to the volleyball game with my basketball team. Is this what you're really mad about?' Alex couldn't understand what the big deal was; she was sitting near her teammates, and it wasn't like she was caught with Olivia in some sort of compromising position.

'Your _team_,' Virginia scoffed. 'You two were hardly sitting with them. But that is not what I'm mad about, no. I heard what you were saying about college. You are planning on going to the same school as her, are you not?'

Alex didn't know what to say. She just had to hear what they were saying, didn't she? Couldn't she have come in thirty seconds later? When Alex didn't say anything, Virginia spoke again.

'So you are. Sneaking around behind my back, planning on being _roommates_ are we?' Her mouth curved up in a sneer.

'Mother,' Alex finally found her voice. She uncrossed her arms and took a step towards her mother, looking her in the eye. 'It really doesn't concern you if we want to go to the same college, especially if I get a scholarship. You said it yourself, it's my choice.'

'You think it's that easy, do you?' Virginia stared right back at her, matching the heat of her gaze. 'You think you can just do whatever you want, leave me behind and go off all by yourself. You think you can ruin your reputation and your life by throwing it away to be with her?'

Shaking her head, Alex looked at the wet asphalt of the alley. 'So what if I do? What if I want to be on my own?'

'You have no idea what it's like to be in the real world, Alexandra. You're going to make a choice, right here and now.'

Alex paled, the blood drained from her face and she knew what was coming.

'Either you pick another college or university, one without Olivia, or you convince her to go somewhere else. If you don't, you will be cut off. Completely. No contact with me or your father or Mae, or anyone else in our family. No money, no support. Nothing.'

'You wouldn't,' Alex whispered, fully believing that she would.

Virginia laughed quietly. 'You know that I am, my dear. Do not make the mistake of underestimating me.'

…

Around the corner, Olivia let her head fall gently against the brick wall as she listened to Virginia's ultimatum. She had wanted to stay close in case things got physical with Alex and her mother, God knew she had enough experience with that. But she hadn't expected to hear what she did; she hadn't expected Virginia to be so cold and heartless. She should have known, but she thought a mother must surely love her daughter more than that. But what experience did she have in that area? Not much.

She walked away from the alley, knowing what Alex's answer to the ultimatum would be. She knew her girlfriend. She knew that she wasn't as strong as she made out to be. Alex couldn't cut the apron strings, couldn't bear to be away from her family, and as hard as Olivia knew it was going to be, Alex was going to choose her family over Olivia.

Olivia waited near the door to the gymnasium for Alex to return, but she never did. After a while, Olivia walked back to the alley to see if they were still there. It was empty, but still as dark and damp and depressing as ever. Virginia must have forced her to go home. She sighed and hung her head.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

The next day, Alex was walking up the sidewalk towards the school, and Olivia studied her face. She looked haggard, like she hadn't slept much. She was pale and looked sad, lost in thought as she studied the ground in front of her.

Olivia intercepted her before she reached the steps. She opened her arms to pull Alex into a hug. It looked like she needed it. Alex stepped into her arms, into her warm embrace and rested her head on Olivia's strong shoulder. Olivia inhaled deeply the smell of Alex's shampoo, loving the way it smelled; she became immediately apprehensive of what she was about to hear.

'Liv,' Alex said in a quiet voice, she had been dreading this conversation, not wanting to relate everything her mother had told her.

'You don't have to explain what she said, Alex,' Olivia said, pushing Alex away slightly so that she could look into her eyes. 'I was standing by the alley last night. I heard everything.'

Alex sighed, her shoulders slumped in defeat. 'So you know.'

'Yeah.'

'Liv, I don't want to lose you.' Alex's eyes started to tear up then, she couldn't hold back her emotions.

'I know. But I also know what you chose.' Olivia's eyes hardened.

'You do?'

'I do. I know you. You can't be disowned by your family. They mean too much to you. Especially your dad. And Mae.'

'But, I've been thinking,' Alex said, a glimmer of hope entering her voice. 'My dad won't let her do this.'

Olivia cut her off before she could continue. 'Alex, don't kid yourself. You heard her. She'll go through with it.'

'But what are we going to do?' Her face was pained, there had to be a better solution to this.

'Long distance relationship, I guess.' Olivia looked away, she was bitter and wished things were different.

'We can make it work. We love each other.' Alex grabbed her shoulders, forcing Olivia to look into her eyes. 'Liv.'

'I know, Alex. We do. It's going to be hard, though.'

'Yeah, it is.'

As she agreed to a long distance relationship that she knew would be hard, Olivia wondered why Alex couldn't stand up for the girl she loved, for what she believed in. Wasn't their love stronger than that?

**A/N - Thank you to those of you have stuck with me so far! Reviews make me happy and let me know how you're feeling about the story.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N – this chapter contains mature scenes. RATED M. Also, I hate writing these two mad at each other. I just want them to be happy and blissful, but that would be BORING wouldn't it?**

**Chapter 10 - Slow Dancing in a Burning Room**

It's not a silly little moment,

It's not the storm before the calm.

This is the deep and dying breath of

This love that we've been working on.. .

We're going down,

And you can see it too.

We're going down,

And you know that we're doomed.

My dear,

We're slow dancing in a burning room.

_-John Mayer_

_Siena College_

Olivia sat back against her wall. She ran her hands through her hair and looked around her dorm room, it was a wreck; there were clothes everywhere, books and papers littered her desk, and she wondered how she ever found anything. She was reclining on her single bed with an American government textbook sitting on her lap, snacking on some apples she had just sliced when she heard a soft knock on her window. Her room was on the first floor and near the outside door. Anyone who wanted inside the dorms had to swipe a university-issued card on the outside door.

Sighing, Olivia figured it was one of her teammates coming to visit her. She didn't hang out with anyone else besides the athletes, so who else would be knocking on her window? Even though now wasn't the time to be visiting her, as she was busy studying for her government midterm the following day, she was grateful for the reprieve.

Curious, she tossed the textbook aside, swung her feet over the edge of the bed and stood up. Her feet crunched what she thought was a bag of chips as she walked over to the window, pulled the dark curtain aside and peered out.

A pair of twinkling blue eyes met hers and she smiled in delight and surprise. Her curiosity melted away and was replaced with joy. She hadn't been expecting this.

Olivia motioned with her hand for the girl to go around to the back.

So she hurried to her door, left it unlocked and walked over to push the exterior door open, standing to one side as the tall blonde came inside.

Breathing in as the girl walked by, Olivia closed her eyes and let her scent wash over her. She smelled heavenly, as usual, and was as strikingly beautiful as ever. She had both backpack straps on, something she always did. Olivia had always made fun of her for that, joking that no one was going to steal her book bag so she could loosen up the death grip.

'Surprise!' she said as she opened her arms up for a hug.

Olivia stepped into those arms, those comforting and deceptively strong arms, and turned her head to capture Alex's lips with her own. When their lips parted, they were both breathless.

'You got me. I had no idea you were coming.'

'I am pretty sneaky, aren't I?'

'Hmph. I thought you had scrimmages this weekend?'

'We did,' said Alex as she followed Olivia into her room and shut the door behind them. 'But the other team had to cancel, five or six of their players got staph infections.'

Olivia made a face. 'Bleh. Those girls need to be more hygienic.'

Nodding and laughing in agreement, Alex put her bag on the ground and looked around. She took in the messy room and Olivia's general lack of concern for everything in it.

'Liv, seriously? Your room is a wreck. It's gross. Where's your roommate?'

Olivia rolled her eyes and kicked some clothes out of her way, making a path through the debris. 'It's not so bad. Besides, there are midterms coming up and I haven't had time to clean.'

She gathered some clothes in her arms and tossed them half-heartedly towards her hamper.

'And my roommate is off hiking somewhere with her boyfriend. So I was going to be all alone this weekend. Isn't that sad?'

'You poor thing,' Alex said as she grabbed her hands and pulled Olivia close; her hands then left Olivia's and traveled slowly up her back, tracing feather light trails over her t-shirt as they went. Brown eyes fluttered closed as she relished in the sensations sending shivers and goosebumps up and down her spine. 'You're certainly not alone now.'

And her voice had taken on a lower timbre, a more husky quality as she spoke into the brunette's neck, her breath tickling the sensitive skin there.

The whisper against Olivia's neck became a feather-light kiss. It seemed chaste enough, but Alex was wet already, she had been thinking of this the whole way over. Fantasizing about her lips on Olivia's skin, leaving trails of wetness, bite marks, marking it as her own. And Olivia responded in kind, wrapping her arms more tightly around the blonde's waist, pulling her close. Alex let her fingertips sneak up under her shirt and trailed them up the middle of her back. The muscles on either side of Olivia's spine were defined and taught, coiled up with anticipation. Alex pressed into them, wanting to feel the actual power hidden there, and she raked her fingernails back down towards the waistband of Olivia's shorts.

She reached down further, running her hands lower, feeling the soft skin hidden by the clothing. Alex pressed her body more firmly into Olivia's, making sure the brunette knew her intentions. Olivia arched her back to meet Alex's breasts with her own, and she could take the teasing tongue on her neck no longer. Her hands flew to Alex's face and wrenched it up. They moved together simultaneously as their mouths met in a crushing kiss. Olivia covered Alex's lips with her own, taking from her, pushing into her, and she felt more than heard Alex's moan from deep within.

She pushed the blonde up against the sliding door of her closet. It swung inward and creaked in protest at the rough treatment. But when it came to rest on some junk no doubt piled up behind it, Alex's body had something to lean against, something to keep her upright for this assault by Olivia's hands and mouth. As Olivia's hands left Alex's face and trailed down to her breasts, she squeezed them roughly, and delighted in the sharp intake of breath from her lover. She moved her mouth to Alex's ear.

'Don't you want to go to the bed?' she asked huskily, her voice making Alex squirm.

'No. I can't make it that far,' said Alex, breathless, brows furrowed over lust-filled eyes. 'I want you to fuck me right here.'

Olivia needed no more invitation. She wrenched up Alex's shirt and sports bra up and over her head before Alex could make another sound, and the blonde's breasts had barely had a chance to fall free when Olivia's mouth was on one nipple and her fingers were on the other. She sucked roughly on it and then turned her head to massage the other with her tongue. Alex cried out an unintelligible sound as her eyes closed and her head flew back against the closet door.

Before she knew it though, Olivia's hand had left its position on her breast and trailed down her stomach. She thrust the hand into Alex's shorts and under the elastic of her underwear. Alex was soaking wet, and her fluids coated Olivia's fingers immediately.

She wasted no time in pushing inside Alex with her finger. In as far is it would go, that finger could work magic. Olivia moved it once in a circular motion and then curled it forward, and Alex though she might collapse. Her knees turned to jelly as her toes curled up inside her sneakers. But Olivia held her up with her left arm as she moved her mouth back up to work at Alex's neck again.

Her palm rubbed rhythmically against Alex's swollen bundle of nerves and her mind swirled as she was on the brink of her climax already.

'Liv, fuck,' she hissed. 'Oh God,' Olivia was thrusting with two fingers now inside of Alex and she began to see stars. 'Wait, Liv, please. I'm gonna. . .'

But Olivia didn't stop, she brought Alex all the way to the edge and held her as she tumbled over, gasping into her orgasm.

Her inner walls clenched sporadically around Olivia's fingers, and the brunette kissed her mouth gently as she caught her breath.

'Wow,' said Alex, resting her head against Olivia's shoulder.

'That good, huh?' asked Olivia with a mischievous grin.

'Don't get a big head,' said Alex, smiling as she sank to her knees. Olivia gave her a questioning look, but it quickly vanished as Alex raised her hands to Olivia's shorts and began to pull them down.

'Your turn,' Alex whispered as she slid the shorts and underwear all the way down, breathing in Olivia's unique scent, heady and tangy, salty and sweet.

'Oh shit!' Olivia cried out as Alex's mouth latched onto her now swollen and ready clit.

…

Several Hours Later…

Gasping for breath, Olivia turned to Alex and ran her nails in light, delicate circles across the blonde's back. Alex's eyes fluttered closed and she welcomed the loving touch.

'Mmmmm. Don't stop.' She said into Olivia's pillow.

'Ha,' laughed Olivia into her lover's hair. 'You wish. Now let's go to dinner. I'm starving.'

Alex turned her head abruptly towards the brunette, disappointment written on her face. 'But Liv, it felt so good,' she whined.

'So did your face between my legs. Regardless, I'm hungry.'

Alex rolled her eyes at her girlfriend's brashness. She sat up and searched around for her bra and underwear.

.. . . . . . . . . . ..

They headed down the street to grab some sandwiches and salads from a deli nearby. Inside, Olivia was busy filling up her cup with one of their flavored teas when she looked over at the counter.

Her girlfriend was there, leaning over the blue laminated countertop, smiling devilishly at the dark-haired girl mixing their salads. The girl was an absolute knockout; her hair was cropped short, making her look a bit like Demi Moore in G.I. Jane when she shaved all her hair off. Olivia thought she wasn't exactly Alex's type.

Wait. Alex's type? What did Alex even like in a girl? Tall, dark and handsome?

Olivia didn't even know what she considered to be her own type. All she knew was that Alex was _her_ type. A jealous monster was rearing its ugly head inside of her and she didn't like how this made her feel. Olivia set her drink down, not wanting to spill it all over herself and watched as the good-looking salad maker smiled back at Alex, muttering something quietly to her. It was clearly meant for Alex's ears only because when Olivia looked back at the blonde, she blushed thoroughly and looked down at her hands.

_Oh hell no,_ thought Olivia, as she strode cockily over to the blonde and wrapped an arm possessively around her. Alex stiffened at the contact, still unsure of their relationship in public, but relaxed when she remembered that there was no around to judge them. There weren't even any other customers inside the shop. She turned to the brunette and smiled.

'What's up, Liv?' Alex asked innocently.

'Oh not much, just wanted to ask you what you wanted to drink.' She waited expectantly.

'I can get my own drink, but thank you.'

It was Olivia's turn to stiffen at Alex's curt response.

'Okay…' she said, removing her arm and stepping back towards the drink station. 'Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt yourconversation with your new _friend._'

She didn't see the double take Alex made behind her back as she grabbed her drink and hurried out of the deli. Alex watched her leave and turned back to the girl behind the counter. 'I've got to go, sorry.' She left enough money to cover the bill plus a tip and grabbed the bag with their food.

'Nice talking to you,' the girl called out after her.

Olivia was almost twenty feet away down the block when Alex pushed open the deli door to the outside.

'Liv!' she called out. 'Liv, stop!'

Olivia stopped where she was and turned back to the blonde. Her face was blank, emotionless, but Alex could see the hurt in her eyes as she got closer.

'What are you doing?' she asked as she caught up with the brunette and they started walking together towards a tree-lined park. 'Why did you leave like that?'

'Are you serious, Alex?' Olivia asked, casting a glance at her as they walked.

Alex was confused. 'Of course I'm serious. Why wouldn't I be? What are you so mad about?'

She let out a huff of air and almost growled in frustration. 'You, Alex, you were flirting with that girl in there and here you are acting like it didn't happen!'

Alex started to scoff, but then stopped herself as she thought it might infuriate Olivia more. 'Flirting! I was not flirting. I've had exactly two girlfriends; I don't even know how to flirt.'

Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Like hell you don't. You were laying it on thick in there.'

Reaching her hand out, she laid it gently on Olivia's arm, stopping them both at the sidewalk next to the park.

'Olivia, is this jealousy I'm detecting?' she smiled teasingly. But the smile melted away when Olivia didn't smile back.

'Yes it is. Whatever it is you were doing in there, whether you call it flirting or not, I didn't like it. It made my blood boil.'

Alex looked into Olivia's eyes imploringly.

'We were talking about you. Well, you and I to be exact. She was nice enough to remark that the two of us made such a nice couple.'

'Oh,' Olivia's face brightened up marginally. 'Oh,' she said again as she realized what an ass she had made of herself. 'Well, I'm sorry then.'

'Apology accepted,' Alex said, rolling her eyes and patting Olivia on the arm. 'Now let's eat.'

…

There was a little hole-in-the-wall taco shop a couple of blocks from Olivia's dorm. It was definitely a college hangout; small and a little bit dirty. The building was looming and old, and there was a huge, peeling sign hung over the two separate entrances to the place. It read Indigo Mill Co. And no one really knew what the building used to house. The only sign indicating that there was any kind of restaurant inside the decrepit red brick building was some small lettering in the window. And even the sign itself was dark and hard to see in certain lights. In the window next to the sign there was a black square with a hand painted picture of purple chicken. So naturally the place was called Purple Chicken Taco Shop.

Olivia and Alex walked the two blocks to the place and Olivia had to work a little to convince Alex that the place wasn't a health code violation hiding behind those brick walls. They were planning on meeting a group of Olivia's teammates at the taco shop where they didn't check ID's for beers and margaritas. It was possible that a few of the workers were illegal, and the motherly woman named Imelda who ran the place was sympathetic to just about everyone. She didn't mind a bit that the girls liked to come in and have a few drinks every now and then.

After they ordered at the counter, they sat down at the biggest table in the place, which was a bit unstable and rickety, but Olivia insisted that it added to the charm of the place.

And as the group of girls filtered in and filled the relative silence of the restaurant with laughter and yells, Olivia waved them over and introduced Alex. She had already told a couple of the girls on her team about her girlfriend, but this was their first opportunity to meet in person. And because there were three other girls on her team with girlfriends or who slept with girls, it wasn't a big deal for Alex and Olivia to be comfortable around them. Besides being comfortable though, Olivia's basketball teammates were brash and loud and hilarious, Alex soon found out. And Olivia's good friend from high school, Jessica, was also on the team. So that at least, was one person she had a small connection with.

Surrounded by such boisterous personalities, it was difficult for her to get a word in, and seeing as the stories they were laughing about mainly contained inside jokes and 'you had to be there' situations, she felt a little bit left out. She hoped Olivia would reach over and grab her hand or run an encouraging hand along her thigh. But that never happened. Olivia was caught up in the laughter and memory rehashing. So Alex kept quiet and smiled every now and then to try and pretend like she was paying attention and being involved. Really she just wanted to go back to Olivia's dorm and spend the evening wrapped up in her arms watching a movie.

Was it too much to ask for a little intimacy? They had plenty of intimate sexual times, but when she thought back about it, she was missing the little things. She could count on one hand the amount of times Olivia had done something sweet and romantic for her, like a foot or back rub. Hell, the girl barely cleaned up after herself and Alex knew it was a long shot to ask for more than she was getting, but she longed for even a compliment about her hair or clothes instead of a witty, sarcastic remark that seemed to always be falling out of the brunette's mouth.

She gave a small, inaudible sigh and looked down at her margarita on the rocks. Swirling it around, she watched the ice clink against the sides of the glass; she brought it to her lips and downed it. The tequila burned a trail of delicious fire down her throat and into the pit of her belly. And she was lost in her own thoughts as she began to wonder why she didn't just ask Olivia to stay in from the beginning.

_Oh yeah. That's because I wasn't really given a choice in the matter. _Olivia had told her exactly what the plans were for the evening and didn't even ask if it was alright with Alex. She wondered vaguely where all these doubting and negative thoughts were coming from. A small voice in the back of her head was ready to answer, but before it could, Olivia nudged her with her shoulder and smiled.

'You need to go to the bathroom?'

Alex didn't yet, but she nodded her head anyway and pushed her chair back to follow Olivia to the back of the small restaurant.

Inside, Olivia barely let the door swing shut behind them when she grabbed the blonde by the arms and spun her around. She pressed Alex up against the wall and leaned in to kiss her slender neck.

Alex was really not in the mood for this spur of the moment display of lust. She was feeling the alcohol now, and it was making all of her emotions and thoughts that much more potent and real. If that's all their relationship was becoming, especially behind closed doors, then they had a problem. She pushed Olivia gently away and tried to divert her attention elsewhere.

'I'm ready to head to the bar. Are your friends about ready too?'

Olivia smiled, she was a little bit drunk by now. She sauntered over to the first stall and went inside. She spoke from within, her voice slightly muffled by the metal door.

'Yeah, I think so. We'll finish up our drinks and head that way.'

'Ok. And they don't check ID's at the bar either?'

'Well, they do,' came the voice from inside the stall. 'But we know a couple of the bartenders, well, actually, a couple of the girls are fucking the bartenders, and they look the other way when the older girls buy us drinks.'

'Can't they get shut down for that?'

'Sure,' came Olivia's slightly slurred reply. The toilet flushed and she exited the stall; she walked over to the sink and washed her hands. 'But it's a small place and cops never really stop by. Besides, we're close to campus and we don't have to drive anywhere. So we're not hurtin' anybody.'

'Okay,' said Alex simply, boldly grabbing Olivia's hand as they exited the bathroom. Olivia looked down at their intertwined fingers and grinned. She was definitely on her way to being drunk.

. . . . . . . . . . . . ….

Olivia was surrounded by her friends on the overstuffed, extremely comfy couch positioned in between the dance floor and the bar. It was made of an old, soft leather and it complemented the ancient-looking oak of the bar. The bar stools were eclectic, mismatched and Alex found them charming as she sauntered up to the bar to charm someone into buying her a drink.

The girls watched Alex walk past, a couple of them not even bothering to hide their stares. The girl easily could've been a model with her long blonde hair, and short skirt revealing those long, toned legs. Olivia was preoccupied however; she was working on downing her drink so that she could get to the dance floor.

One of the girls, Brenda, leaned over and punched Olivia on the arm.

'Oww,' groaned the brunette in protest. 'What was that for?'

'Oh, no reason. Just thought maybe you wanted to know that half the team is checking out your girlfriend. She's smokin' hot, Liv. Seriously.'

'Yeah, she is, isn't she?' said Olivia, a hint of distraction in her voice.

'Yeah, but she kinda seems like a stuck up bitch.'

The surrounding girls busted out laughing and Olivia almost spit her drink out in surprise.

'What the hell, Bren? She is NOT a stuck up bitch.'

Olivia looked around and her group of teammates looked off into the bar, avoiding eye contact with her. 'Really? You guys think she's a bitch?'

Several of them nodded while Brenda shrugged apologetically. 'So what's the deal with her? She's rich isn't she?'

'Yeah she is, but she doesn't flaunt it really. She's never held that over me, never talks about that really at all.'

'So why does she act like a stuck up bitch who's smarter than all of us?'

Olivia laughed and her eyes closed as she shook her head.

'Well first of all, she is smarter than all of you. But she's not stuck up, she's just shy. You have to get to know her.'

'Why would a rich girl be shy? That makes no sense.' 

'It doesn't matter how much money you have. Anybody can have trouble relating to people.'

'Hmm,' said Brenda with a disbelieving bite of her lip. 'Okay then, we'll just have to make her feel a little more comfortable then won't we.'

'Oh boy. Maybe that's not such a good idea. . .' But it was too late, three of her teammates hopped off the couch and hurried over to Alex, ready to start her initiation into their group.

_Poor Alex_, thought Olivia. She smiled as she watched her teammates pulling a surprised Alex around the bar. A melting fog was settling over her brain, at least that was how it felt to her. She didn't drink often, hardly ever really, because of what alcohol had done to her mother. Drinking had ripped her world apart, ripped her apart from her own mother, and most of the time she was wary of letting herself succumb to the temptation.

But tonight was one of those rare nights, those once in a blue moons where she felt the urge to just let go. She felt a strange connection to the alcohol, as if it were calling her name, coaxing her in, teasing her just enough. She knew it probably had to do with her genetic predisposition to alcoholism, but her brain was too fuzzy to ponder it for long. Alex could probably explain it to her later. Alex. Now where was she?

Olivia looked around for her girlfriend, and when she spotted her, she couldn't help but laugh. The poor girl was in the middle of the dance floor, immersed in a crowd of girls dancing to a rap song. Alex was in the middle, being forced to show off her moves, which weren't too terrible by the way.

Downing her third or fourth or fifth drink, she couldn't remember how many she'd had now, she set her glass on the table in front of her and went out to the dance floor to join the group. She stayed on the outside of the group of girls, just watching everyone and enjoying the music, moving to the seductive beat. There were quite a few people in the bar by now and the dance floor was getting crowded with sweaty, gyrating bodies.

She was surprised as she felt a presence directly behind her, a pair of hands gently touched her hips, moving with her to the music. They were strong, large hands and she turned around slightly to see who they belonged to. It was a guy, a big guy. Maybe 6'3" or so with close cropped dark hair. He was a pretty good looking guy. Normally, she hated it when creepy guys took advantage of a girl on the outside of a group during a song like this by just coming up behind them and grinding, but she was really feeling the buzz of the alcohol and she found that she didn't mind so much that he was dancing with her. His hands grew more confident when she didn't pull away, and they moved further around her waist, moving her closer to him.

The song progressed, its thrumming bass further clouding her senses and thoughts, and she continued to grind her backside onto the front of his pants. But when she felt eyes on her, she glanced up and made contact with a pair of flashing blues. Alex was staring directly at her, with a perplexed look on her face. Granted, she was directly in the middle of two of Olivia's teammates, one in front and one behind. Regardless, those girls were Olivia's friends, and had no intentions other than a harmless dance. As she watched this guy dance behind Olivia though, with that look on his face, she knew he had some very different intentions in mind.

Olivia, in her drunken state of mind, confused Alex's hesitation with some sort of approval: Confused Alex's own seductive dancing with some sort of challenge. And she let her hand go up her body seductively. It traveled up past her shoulder onto the guy's shoulder and up around his neck. She pulled him closer to her, allowing him to run his huge hands up and down her thighs. She was lost in the music, lost in giving her girlfriend a show. She thought somehow Alex would be turned on by this display. Somewhere in her muddled mind, it made sense.

But Alex was far from turned on; she was livid. Livid with anger at Olivia. How dare she blatantly dance with this random guy directly in front of her. And to top it off, the two of them were making eye contact. Olivia stared straight into Alex's eyes as she danced against him, her hand behind his head. But she restrained herself. She would not make a fool of herself in front of Olivia's teammates. No one seemed to notice that Olivia was dancing with him, as they were all dancing with each other or with other people, lost in the music.

So when the song finished, Alex stayed where she was and watched. She saw Olivia turn to the guy as the song ended. He was saying something to her, speaking into her ear. The music was so loud, it was obvious Olivia had a hard time hearing him. Alex turned away as she realized he was asking her for another dance, or her number, or to go home with him. And judging by the way she moved against him, she wouldn't be opposed to any of those things.

She didn't see Olivia roll her eyes at the guy and leaving him standing alone in the middle of the dance floor.

. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The group made their way back to the dorms without a hitch. They managed to keep the stumbling and falling to a bare minimum so as not to attract any unwanted attention to the underage girls in the group.

Back in her dorm room, Olivia and Alex showered together. They hadn't spoken much after the dance floor incident and the shower wasn't much different. Olivia was still fairly drunk, and Alex's buzz was still making the world a little unsteady. They both smelled like smoke and sweat from all the dancing at the bar. Hardly touching each other at all, they took turns under the shower head, rinsing off soap and shampoo. For all the warmth of the shower, Alex felt cold and distant from the brunette in front of her. She watched absently as suds slid down her muscled shoulders and back all the way down to her calves and feet. Olivia shut the water off when she had finished rinsing off, and Alex tossed her a towel as she dried herself.

They made their way to Olivia's bed, and Alex tripped on a pair of the brunette's shoes on the way, letting out an expletive and grabbing her stubbed toe. She held in her thoughts again about Olivia's messy room. Without bothering to put any clothes on, they climbed into the bed and Alex took her usual place in Olivia's arms wrapped around her. When Olivia ran her hand up Alex's arm and shoulder, running it down along her collarbone and skimming lightly over her breast, Alex turned in her arms to face her.

Their lips met in a slow kiss, exploring the familiarities of each other's mouths. And seeing as how they were naked and in bed together and this was Alex's last night with Olivia for a while, the next logical step was to make love. But Alex couldn't seem to concentrate on Olivia's mouth. It should have felt better to have her tongue caressing the outside of Alex's ear, to have her lips and tongue pressed against the blonde's throat. The images of the weekend were stuck front and center in her mind, and they were keeping any part of her body from becoming overly aroused.

Of course, she was a little wet, who wouldn't be with foreplay from Olivia Benson? But the scenes from the bar were too much for her, and as Olivia went down on her, using her tongue and fingers to bring her closer to the edge, Alex found that she was going nowhere fast. Her mind had to be in the right place, and at this moment she was not there.

Olivia noticed her lack of vocalization and thrusting and continued her ministrations for a while before giving up. She made her way back up Alex's body and kissed her lips softly. She said nothing, but Alex could see through the semi-darkness, through the metallic light filtering in through the blinds that Olivia's eyelids were drooping, she was very near falling asleep on top of the blonde. _Perfect._ Thought Alex. _Just perfect._


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11- The Hardest Thing**

**Still has an M rating**

It's the hardest thing

I'll ever have to do

To look you in the eye

And tell you I don't love you

It's the hardest thing

I'll ever have to lie

To show no emotion

When you start to cry

_-98 degrees _

They were at Alex's dorm. Olivia had come to visit a few weekends after Alex came to see her. Basketball season was in full swing and the air was cold and biting again.

The sky held onto the clouds, they were dense with rain, threatening to let loose on the earth.

But it was warm inside Alex's bed. The room was neat and orderly, books stacked neatly on her desk, clothes folded in the drawers, trash thrown away. They lay next to each other, breathing hard, a light sheen of sweat slicked their skin. Their lovemaking had been almost rough, each struggling for dominance. And it had been a while since they had seen each other, so it didn't take either one of them long to climax. Alex had looked up into Olivia's face as the brunette thrust against her, and her eyes were closed as she began to shake and her orgasm took over. The blonde rolled out from under her and sat up on her elbow, sated, but lost in thought.

As Olivia looked at the blonde through half-closed lids, she decided that she could no longer keep it to herself. Perhaps this wasn't the best time to say something, but it was too much for her to hold in. The guilt she felt was overwhelming, and she thought they loved each other enough to work through it. So she opened her mouth and just said it.

To say that Alex wasn't expecting this was an understatement. Her mouth gaped open and she stared at Olivia for a few moments before her brows knitted together in confusion. That confusion morphed into anger and the anger morphed into a sinking feeling of betrayal.

She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and looked down. The words slipped softly out of her mouth.

'Did you kiss her back?'

When Olivia didn't reply, Alex knew the answer. She brought her eyes back up, dragging them across the dark comforter, and up further to Olivia's face. The brown eyes gave her away, the guilt buried deep within them trumped the need for any words.

'Liv,' Alex said, her voice gaining a little volume as fury rose up within her. 'Why? Why would you do that?'

It was like Olivia stirred to life, realizing the frustration and anger and hurt ebbing from the blonde, and she knew that she had to try and salvage whatever she could from the situation.

'It wasn't like you're thinking. I didn't. . . '

But Alex cut her off, her blues eyes flashed as she moved further away from Olivia, sitting up in the bed and holding the sheet around her body.

'Not like I'm thinking? I'm thinking exactly what you told me. A random ass girl from your dorm kissed you and you kissed her back and that's all I need to know.'

Alex paused in her tirade, turned away and stared at the wall for a moment, lost in thought. When she turned back to Olivia, her eyes held in them a clear understanding. She had gone back in her mind and realized something, several somethings actually. Those moments when she couldn't figure out what had been the deal between the two of them made more sense. The provocative dancing with the guy at the bar. They had been growing further and further apart and she knew now that Olivia's confession was the result of that rift. That maybe it was partly her fault that Olivia had cheated.

Slowly, she met Olivia's eyes and asked, 'So what is it that you think about when we're in bed together? When your eyes are closed and you're somewhere else, who is it you're fantasizing about?'

Olivia sighed and almost rolled her eyes. She stopped herself, knowing it wouldn't help the situation, and she sat up in the bed as well. 'I don't fantasize about other people, Alex.'

'Then why are your eyes closed?'

'I don't know, maybe I'm just enjoying the sensations. Just enjoying being with you.'

Alex gave a disbelieving _hmph_ in the brunette's general direction and averted her eyes again. The fact that Alex was suspicious of her thoughts in bed infuriated Olivia, and she spoke again without really thinking about it.

'I'm not the one with the problem having an orgasm. Maybe your mind is somewhere else as well.'

'Seriously, Liv? That was one time!'

'Yeah, seriously. Don't accuse me of something like that when you have no explanation for yourself.'

'Goddammit, Olivia, you're infuriating. This is ridiculous. I do not have to sit here and defend myself to you when you're the one who cheated on me!'

'It was hardly cheating. It was only a kiss.'

'Fuck that. That kiss had to come from somewhere. She wouldn't have kissed you if she thought you didn't want it. So you must have been leading her on.'

'You weren't there, Alex. You just have to trust me when I say that there is nothing going on between us. You're the one I want.'

'Trust you, huh? Just like how I can trust you now when you leave and go back to school. You'll be there with temptations everywhere and now I know that you're weak enough to give in to them.'

'Don't do this,' Olivia said quietly. 'Don't make this worse than it has to be.'

'Me?' Alex raised her voice now, almost screeching now. 'I can't even handle this, Olivia. How can we be together when I can't trust you?'

'I don't know,' said Olivia, looking down at her hands in her lap. But she couldn't give up. She didn't raise her eyes when she spoke again. 'But we've got to find a way. We're made for each other, we still love each other don't we?'

'I don't know,' Alex repeated Olivia's statement. 'I just don't know anymore.'

'Well then.'

'I think….' She stopped, making sure her words came out right. 'I think this is fate's way of telling us we need time apart. Maybe we need to find ourselves.'

Looking at Olivia's crestfallen face, she spoke again. 'It's like the old cliche says, if it's meant to be, love will find its way. '

'Alex, I don't think I can stand the thought of you being with someone else.'

'Neither can I, it makes me insanely jealous, Liv. But you wouldn't have cheated and we wouldn't be having these problems if we were completely and totally in love with one another.'

Olivia reddened, and fiercely she whispered, 'Don't ever say that I'm not in love with you'

Alex was so mad, she couldn't think straight. Anger flooded her mind and she couldn't stop her words. As she threw the covers back and stepped out of the bed, searching around for some clothes, she spoke through gritted teeth.

'I thought you were, but if you had been you wouldn't have cheated.'

'Shit, Alex! For the last time, it wasn't cheating! She means nothing to me, and you mean everything! **You** are my life.' Her voice broke and she felt her emotions bubbling up to the surface.

'It was cheating, Olivia,' Alex said quietly. 'It was and you know it, otherwise you wouldn't have had that guilty expression on your face when you told me. But it's not just that, you know. It's everything that's been happening between us this past semester. We've been fighting and we've been acting jealous and insecure, both of us. It's not healthy. Maybe this is something we need. Maybe a break will be good for us.'

'So that's it? You just want to break up and that's going to solve all of our problems?'

'I don't know. But think about it, Liv. We're in college, and we're supposed to be figuring out who we are, what we're supposed to be doing with our lives. Maybe we both need some time alone to figure that stuff out.'

'Alex, what I'm hearing here is that you want to break up with me because we need time alone. But I'm alone all the time except when we meet up for weekends.

'You mean besides the girl you kissed, you're alone?' That one hit home, Alex could see it on her face. 'I know that, but when we do meet up, we fight. And when we talk on the phone, we fight. And I can't even tell you that I'm going out to parties because you get so crazy and jealous.'

'If you were in love with me, you wouldn't break up with me right now. Are you not in love with me anymore?'

'I guess not, Liv.'

'You guess not? What the fuck is that supposed mean. I don't want to date anyone else.'

'You wanted to kiss someone else. And besides, we fight all the time, and this long distance thing is killing both of us.'

'But what am I supposed to do without you?'

Alex knew then that this wasn't going to end well regardless, and she couldn't give Olivia a way back in. She couldn't take the hurt anymore. She would not be cheated on again. It had to be a clean break and she might have to be more firm and clear. She didn't want to do it, but she knew in her heart that they needed time apart from one another, a definite separation.

'You'll figure it out. Just like I will. I think you should go.'

'Go? Like leave? But the weekend just started.' Olivia looked incredulous.

'Yeah, I know. But I don't want to be around you right now. You've hurt me, Olivia.'

'I'm sorry, Alex. I really am. What else can I do to make you see that?' She knew what was happening now and wanted to do everything she could to stop it. Tears started to well up her eyes, and she pawed them away, angry at her weakness.

'You can give me space.' Alex's eyes held no tears. Only anger. Those icy blue orbs were cold and unforgiving.

'Alright,' said Olivia quietly. She grabbed her bag and started stuffing her things into it. The tears fell freely now, but she didn't want Alex to see her like this. When she stopped at the door to look back at the blonde, she was facing the window with her hand on the blinds, looking out onto the campus grounds.

Under her breath, Olivia spoke again as she turned and left the room, 'Goodbye, Alex. I love you.'

As the door shut, Alex turned back to it and had to fight every ounce of her being not to chase after the girl who had just broken her heart. She had broken Olivia's heart right back, and she fell apart as her lover left both her room and her life.

She whispered as she fell to her knees and buried her head in her hands, 'I love you too, Liv.' Her face crumpled up and her own hot tears streamed down her face.

…..

A/N – Please don't crucify me. :/ I believe in happy endings.


	12. Chapter 12

_**A/N - sorry it's taken me so long to update... life, you know?  
>anyway, this is a bit of a filler chapter, working on making things more interesting for the two of them. Stick with me and things will get better between them, I promise!<strong>_

**Chapter 12 – Where I Stood/ Breathe**

There were sounds in my head  
>Little voices whispering<br>That I should go and this should end  
>Oh and I found myself listening<p>

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you  
>All I know is that I should<br>And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you  
>All I know is that I should<br>'Cos she will love you more than I could  
>She who dares to stand where I stood<p>

_-Missy Higgins_

**Alex**

It was hard at first, being away from Olivia.

Of course, they were away from each other almost every day during the week when they had been together. When the weekends rolled around though, they usually found the opportunity to get together, whether it had been for the day at an in-between place, or at one of their dorm rooms.

But now the difference in everyday life was almost the worst part, that good morning text, that phone call after class or before practice. Those things were the difference that Alex noticed. The absolute worst part though, was being broken up. She didn't hear Olivia's voice every night, didn't get the 'I love you' that she had come to take for granted. She no longer had a girlfriend to hold hands with, to make love with.

It was hard, but she knew that this would make her stronger. This would make Olivia stronger, and if they were ever going to be in a relationship again, they would be stronger together.

So she looked on the bright side, she was single now, although it still felt like cheating to her when she looked at someone else, when she flirted with someone else. Her heart still belonged to that dark-eyed beauty.

She was alone now, but in some ways it was nice. There was no one to check in with, no pressure to call as soon as she was finished doing something. She was free. But sometimes it didn't feel like it.

Sometimes the loneliness was crushing.

School passed by quickly. She found that college was so much different than high school. There were no more teachers to hold your hand and help you out with your grades. Here it was cutthroat. Either you came to class or you didn't and the teacher didn't care either way. Of course there were some professors who kept track of role so that they could give some students the benefit of the doubt, but most were of the other sort.

So she learned how to study, because high school had been a breeze for her. And she knew right away what she wanted to do. Her love for the arts, for history and language and writing and most of all, debating, told her that being a lawyer most definitely ran in her genes. Of course, she didn't mind the math and sciences, but she had to work hard at them, she struggled with them. The rest came easy.

In class, she was shy and kept to herself, not wanting to branch out and meet new people. She told herself frequently that she should get out there more, meet new people, be a socialite. But that just wasn't her personality; she was comfortable with the girls on her team and that was all she needed. Stepping too far out of her comfort zone was asking a bit much.

Several months after the breakup, Alex was out at the bar with her teammates. It was like any other night; the underage girls snuck drinks in the bathroom and tried to get drunk as quickly as possible. And when the dark haired guy came up behind her to dance, she didn't stop him. She felt good, hiding behind the haze of alcohol, moving to the music. She put her hands back and felt his jeans behind her, his strong thighs, and she found that she didn't mind.

When the song was finished, he asked her name and told her his. (Trevor) bought her a drink, and Alex found herself momentarily lost in his brown eyes. They reminded her of Olivia's, chocolaty and warm, with a hint of humor playing across them every now and then. They danced to a couple more songs and her mind began to glaze over. The next memory she had was of him pressed against her in the corner, his mouth covering hers and exploring. His lips weren't quite right, but they still felt good against her own, and she nodded her head when he asked if he could take her home.

In her bed later that night, he wore a condom and it hurt like hell; it had been a while. But after a while, she got used to it, and found that she was enjoying herself. And when he came and she never did, she thought maybe it was the alcohol that was hindering her.

The next morning, he had to leave early for work. So he picked up his clothes, put them on and looked around for his wallet and watch. Alex had the sheet covering her naked body and after she looked around with hooded eyes for his belongings, she pointed at her dresser. His eyes followed the direction of her arm and he walked swiftly over to it, collecting his things. With a quick glance to the blonde in her bed, he unlocked her door and said goodbye. And that was it. He was gone.

_Not even a kiss. Is this what one-night stands feel like?_ She thought to herself.

And then the guilt kicked in. She wondered weakly why that experience was so different from the ones she had shared with Olivia. Rolling her eyes, she knew the answer immediately. Naturally, it was because she knew nothing about that guy, he meant nothing to her. There was no love or intimacy shared between them and that was obvious through their lovemaking. _Lovemaking?_ She thought with a roll of her eyes. _Yeah right._ That was a fuck. Just a fuck between two people who were looking to get laid. She felt dirty, used. Maybe because she hadn't felt the release that he had, and that she had never done something like that before. And maybe the reason she couldn't reach a climax or even get close was because she had no interest in males whatsoever.

She wasn't quick to accept this conclusion, however, because it was too harsh a reality. Surely she was capable of climaxing with someone else. Maybe it was just him, maybe he was just the wrong guy. She couldn't help but feel that it was her, though. What was it that was so wrong? This being gay thing was difficult. How was she supposed to date girls when she was buried so deeply in the closet. Hidden beneath piles of her own guilt and apprehension. Held back by the hangers, her mother and society and her teammates. What would her teammates think? They would be appalled, would probably not want to be in the same dressing room as her.

Did she even want to date other girls? She had no idea what she wanted and so she went through basketball season trying not to think about it, trying desperately to forget about Olivia and move on with her life.

But move on to what, exactly?

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .**

_And we know it's never simple, never easy  
>Never a clean break, no one here to save me<br>__**You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand**_

_And I can't breathe  
>Without you, but I have to<br>Breathe  
>Without you, but I have to<em>

Taylor Swift - Breathe

**Olivia**

Olivia felt like a hole had been ripped through her chest. Her very heart had been torn out, stomped into a bloody pulpy, gritty mess on the sidewalk. Her breath caught in her chest, heaving and gasping as she fought for it. Why was it that this girl could steal the very breath from her lungs?

Of course, she knew that heartbreak was just a figure of speech. But she understood now, where the term came from. The physical pain she felt was too much to bear, and the tears that fell down her face, she could no longer hold them back.

They streamed, hot and salty, into her mouth, dropped off her chin, and landed on her pillow, on her desk, anywhere she sat for too long. Because if she sat for too long, Alex popped into her mind and she was flooded with pain and memories.

Every day, she wanted to call Alex, wanted to beg. She wanted them to be together again. She wanted so badly to hear her voice on the other end of the phone. That voice . . A little bit deep and throaty beneath what she thought sounded like a melodic alto. It was sultry and persuasive and music to her ears. And now she couldn't hear it anymore. It was a fading memory.

But in the back of her mind, she knew she was stronger than this. Stronger than this battered girl who couldn't stand to be apart from her teenage love. Stronger than this heartbroken pile of emotions and sadness. Stronger than what she often looked down her nose at other girls for. When their boyfriends left them, she couldn't believe how they reacted, crying and carrying on, like the world would never be right again.

And yet here she was, rough and tough Olivia, sobbing into her pillow, just the rest of them.

Olivia knew she had to find something to distract her, something to take her mind off of what she was feeling. She was capable of digging herself out of this hole, but she needed help.

Jessica was there to help her, to comfort her. She was a good friend; she tried to think of different things to get Olivia's mind off things. They went bowling, shopping, ice skating, to the movies… anything and everything. She helped Olivia through the worst times, when she thought she would have to give in and call Alex, when she thought she wouldn't make it through the night without hearing her voice, Jessica was there. She put her hand over Olivia's and pushed the phone back down. Olivia knew that she shouldn't call Alex, that she should try and get over her, try and move on, but it was hard. It was hard to move past a love that had grown for almost three years in such a critical time in a teenager's life. But Jessica helped her, helped to get her through the worst of it.

And finally Olivia decided she needed to go home for a while. Back to New York City, back to her apartment and back to her mother. Maybe things had changed; she talked to her mother a couple of times a week to check up on her, to make sure things were alright, and she sounded good on most days. She had a secretarial job at an accounting firm downtown, and sounded like she was fairly sober. Serena told Olivia she was attending AA meetings once a week, and that she her life was on the right track. So Olivia thought it was the right decision to go home and see her. Granted, her mother wouldn't be able to offer any comfort, seeing as Olivia hadn't told her about Alex, but it would be good to see her just the same.

So Olivia said goodbye to Jessica for the weekend and caught the bus back home. Jessica was thoughtful enough to make her several mixed CDs for the drive so that she would have the right kind of music to listen to. All it took was one song and Olivia was in tears thinking about a memory that she and Alex shared together. So she listened to upbeat music, music that didn't mention love or heartbreak at all.

And when she finally reached New York City, she made her way through traffic and looked around, enjoying the sights and sounds of the city… her home. The grime on the steps coming out of the subway were familiar to her, she breathed deeply as she ascended the final step into her neighborhood, smelling the Chinese food cooking across the street and the hot dog vendor next to her on the corner. As she approached her apartment, she smiled . . . _This is what I've needed. To come home and to feel loved._

Things had changed, she just knew it. Her mother would be welcoming and clear-eyed. Maybe there would be food in the kitchen and the house would be neat and tidy. It would be the picture-perfect homecoming.

But when she turned the key to her apartment, her hopes crashed down around her head. _Really? How naïve am I? _

There were empty vodka bottles scattered around the living room, and she crunched over some glass shards on her way into the apartment. Her mother was nowhere to be found, so Olivia busied herself picking up the empties and throwing them in the trash bin. She chanced a look in the refrigerator, she knew what she would find, but the sight still angered her. Empty.

Empty, except for a box of baking soda and some three-week expired milk.

She slammed the door shut and made her way to her room. It was the same from when she left, nothing had moved or had been taken. But it wasn't like she had much to begin with, and what little she did own, she had taken to college with her. So she crawled into her bed and curled up in a ball. She was used to this kind of disappointment.

Sleep came quickly.

A loud noise from the kitchen woke her a few hours later. She didn't know what it was at first and sat up with a start.

When she gathered finally where she was, Olivia threw back the covers to her bed and made her way towards the kitchen. There she was, her newly 'sober' mother, setting several brown, paper-wrapped bottles on the countertop.

Olivia cleared her throat and Serena jumped a few inches into the air at the sudden noise. Turning quickly, she grabbed hold of the counter behind her and stared, wild-eyed at her daughter. Recognizing her after a few seconds, her gaze softened a bit.

'Olivia,' she said, her words slurring slightly. 'What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at school?'

'Hello, mom,' Olivia said, trying to hide the biting sarcasm in her voice. 'I called yesterday and told you I was coming, remember?'

'Oh, yeah. Yeah. I remember,' Serena said unconvincingly. 'How are you sweetheart? How's school?'

Olivia saw right through the lie, but went along with it. She should have known better. 'It's good. I'm studying hard and passing all my classes. Basketball is good as well. We're sitting second in the conference right now.'

'That's wonderful, honey. Just wonderful.'

Already, Serena was getting distracted, turning her head just a little bit, trying to look at the bottles behind her. It was obvious that she wanted a drink, was itching for a drink, and Olivia was keeping her from having one.

'Mom,' Olivia said sternly. 'I thought you told me you were going to AA meetings.'

'Oh, I am. They're great. Really good meetings.'

'Really? So why are you eyeing those bottles? And do you still have your job?'

She was really distracted now at the mention of the bottles.

'Job?' she asked vaguely, 'Oh! Yes, I do. It's a good job. I file papers and answer phones and all that. Pays well for the hours.'

'Ok, mom.' Olivia was done fighting it. What could she do to make her mother sober up? Send her to rehab? _With what money?_

She walked back to her room, shut the door, and got back into bed. She planned on taking the first bus back to Siena College in the morning.

…. ….. …

She left the apartment without saying goodbye to her mother. What was the point? She would be too hungover at this point to realize what was happening. Sure, it was a waste of time coming all the way down here, but Olivia decided then and there that she had learned a valuable lesson from this.

She would no longer rely on anyone else to make her feel better. She knew she was capable of pulling herself up by the bootstraps and getting on with her life. It would be okay, things would work out. And she knew, just like Jessica told her almost everyday since the breakup. . . that she needed to look out for herself first. She needed to learn to love herself before she could truly get over Alex.

And she saw her mother like that, saw her falling back into that pit, that dark bottomless pit filled with ghoulish beings waving their wanting arms and moaning in their terrible voices. It was a pit that most of the time had steep and slippery slopes slanting towards the bottom. It was a pit that was so difficult to crawl back out of. The addiction was killing her mother slowly but surely, and Olivia had felt responsible for it for too long.

She knew, seeing her mother again, that she could never allow herself to sink as low as that. Olivia felt that low when Alex had ended it, had felt like drowning herself in a bottle. But it was the vision of her mother passed out drunk in a puddle of her own vomit that held her back. She was stronger than her mother, was capable of getting better, getting over this.

So finally, finally, she felt better. Things looked brighter and brighter, the air smelled better, even the taxi cabs honking at each other next to her on the street sounded sweet and melodious. And on the bus on the way back to school, she walked up the aisle and passed an interesting looking girl who's hair was dark blonde and a bit wild. Olivia almost walked right past her, but when the girl looked up at her and smiled warmly, Olivia stopped after a brief moment of contemplation and asked the girl if she could sit next to her.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N** - Hello Readers! This update has come a little faster than the last few. I've had sort of a writer's block and was sad that they had to be broken up. Still am, but I've got what's going to happen for the next several chapters planned out, so I feel better about it now. You should too.

I had a reader leave a review with some questions that I thought I would address here in case anyone else was also confused. I realize that a lot of times it takes me a while to update and then people who have this on Story Alert come back to read the next chapter and they can't remember what happened in the last couple chapters. Happens to me with every story I follow. So I'll start leaving a flashback of the last chapter from now on.

Anyway – here are the questions Pink Roses and Ivy (hope it's okay that I used your questions here :) ) asked:

_{{{Please tell me that Alex didn't have relations with Trevor Langan. It just seemed like she made a drastic jump from Olivia to him. And who is this Jessica? She seemed to come out of nowhere... It's interesting that Olivia thought she would find comfort from her mother. Why is that?_

**Answers**: No, the guy wasn't Trevor. He was just some random guy. And she did make a random jump, she was drunk and lonely and made a mistake. (Happens to the best of us, right?)

Jessica was Olivia's friend from high school, and I mentioned in chapter 10 that she also attended Siena College with Olivia.

I guess I just think of Olivia as this consistently positive person who can't help but try and find the good in people. Plus, it's her mother... her only family at this point, and she's hopeful that there's something left between them.}}}

-Hope that clears some things up, and here's Chapter 13. Hope you enjoy. (the flashbacks are in italics)

**Chapter 13 – The Way I Loved You**

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain  
>And it's 2 a.m. and I'm cursing your name<br>You're so in love that you act insane  
>And that's the way I loved you<br>Breakin' down and coming undone  
>It's a roller coaster kind of rush<br>And I never knew I could feel that much  
>And that's the way I loved you<p>

**-Taylor Swift (The Way I Loved You)**

_**Olivia**_

_So finally, finally, she felt better. Things looked brighter and brighter, the air smelled better, even the taxi cabs honking at each other next to her on the street sounded sweet and melodious. And on the bus on the way back to school, she walked up the aisle and passed an interesting looking girl whose hair was dark blonde and a bit wild. Olivia almost walked right past her, but when the girl looked up at her and smiled warmly, Olivia stopped after a brief moment of contemplation and asked the girl if she could sit next to her. _

The girl, that dark blonde girl with the wild hair and the hazel, almost green eyes, she was beautiful in a different way. Her face wasn't perfectly symmetrical but her skin was smooth and even, and the eyes were what sucked Olivia in. She discovered then that she was a sucker for beautiful eyes. She had been stuck on a certain pair of striking blue eyes for the past two years or so, but these eyes. . . These were intriguing. The girl was funny and quirky, and Olivia appreciated that someone could still make her feel this way after what she'd been through.

When Olivia first sat down, the first thing her brain registered was the girl's smell. It was spicy and sweet. Like cinnamon and nutmeg and chocolate, like chocolate pie and pecan pie on thanksgiving. The girl shifted in her seat, faced her shoulders towards Olivia and held out her hand, reaching the short way between them.

'Hi. I'm Leigh.' Olivia took the offered hand, grasped firmly, but shook it lightly. The girl's hand was soft and strong at the same time.

'Hello, Leigh,' said Olivia, smiling at her, trying out the name on her tongue. 'I'm Olivia.'

Turns out, Leigh went to Siena as well. She was on the tennis team. So they talked about all kinds of things on the ride back to school. Basketball, tennis, classes, New York, family. The girl was funny and quirky, and her accent, although not heavy exactly, was a little bit different; Olivia couldn't quite place it.

'Where are you from? Europe?' Olivia asked.

Leigh smiled teasingly. 'What makes you think I'm not from the U.S.?'

'The accent is kind of giving you away,' Olivia replied, pleasantly surprised that flirting still came easily for her. Her heart still ached, but this was helping.

'I'm from Spain, here on a student visa. I wanted the American college experience, you know?'

'You mean frat parties and staying up late and going to class hungover every day? That American college experience?'

Leigh nodded seriously, trying to keep the laughter from her voice. 'Yes, exactly. Who wouldn't want to waste all their parent's money on these expensive classes while they party for four or five or six years?'

The brunette shook her head, grinning. Her heart was feeling a small stirring and she was surprised.

'You know, I've talked to a couple of the other tennis players, and I don't think any of them are from the U.S. Why don't we have any American tennis players?'

Leigh laughed and her lips pulled up in a mischievous grin. Olivia found herself growing more and more captivated by the girl's laugh. She wanted to hear it again. 'Maybe you Americans aren't as good at everything as you think.'

Olivia laughed too.

The bus trip went by quickly and Olivia found that it was easy talking to this girl; she was born and raised in Madrid. Her parents owned a winery on the outskirts of the city, and although she didn't mention it, it was obvious that she came from money. And as they pulled into the bus stop, Olivia was amazed at how she didn't remember a thing about the trip. She couldn't recall a single city or landmark they had passed on the way, she was so lost in conversation with this girl. It was like when someone is driving home from work and they are so used to the route that they arrive home and can't remember anything about the trip.

So they had dinner together that night, and lunch the next day and then again the next. And before Olivia knew it, she was in a relationship again. Granted, it had been months since she and Alex had broken up, but it was still a little soon for her. She was still wounded, and she told Leigh about the fragile state of her heart.

Leigh, for her part, took it in stride, assuring Olivia that they would take things slow, that she would have plenty of time to heal. And they did take things slow. She wasn't anything like Alex, really, she was outgoing and personable. She looked different, obviously, but it was more than that. The way she interacted with Olivia and touched Olivia was different. When Leigh pressed her lips to Olivia's for the first time, she couldn't help but compare her to Alex. It wasn't that one was better than the other, it was just different. Pleasantly different, she decided. Leigh was more confident, more self-assured. People knew she was gay, and she didn't have a problem with it.

…

Olivia talked with her friend Jessica about the differences one day, several months into the relationship. They were in Olivia's room, Olivia on her desk chair holding a throw pillow and Jessica sprawled across Olivia's bed on her stomach, flipping through a magazine.

'So how's it going with you and Leigh? You two in lurve yet?'

Olivia rolled her eyes and threw the pillow at Jessica. The older girl laughed as she caught it one-handed and threw it back at Olivia, hitting her in the face.

'Ow,' she said, rubbing her nose. 'No.' She hesitated. 'Well, I don't know. We haven't said anything about love yet, but we have been dating a while and I do care about her.'

'So why the hesitation?' Jessica could be pretty insightful when it came to her best friend. She turned her head, trying to make eye contact with Olivia. 'She's not Alex?'

Olivia's eyes flashed briefly up, showing a rare moment of weakness. She breathed in at the sound of Alex's name and set her face.

'No, she's not Alex. It's just different, you know?'

'Yeah, I know,' Jessica said, flipping over to her back, setting the magazine aside, and sitting up to face Olivia. 'But if it makes you feel better, I like her better than Alex. Leigh actually talks and isn't so damn smart.'

Olivia looked down and the words came out before she could stop them. 'She was just shy, that's all.'

Jessica frowned. 'Why are you always defending her, Liv? She broke your heart.'

Sighing, Olivia nodded. 'I know. It's just that. . . I don't know. She was my first love. My first girlfriend. And I miss her.'

'I know you do. I can see it in your eyes. Does Leigh know?'

'Probably. She hasn't said anything about it though. I guess she figures I'll get over it eventually.'

Jessica's brows furrowed in thought. 'So what's the difference? What's so great about Alex that Leigh doesn't have? It's the sex isn't it?' She added that last with a mischievous grin.

Olivia rolled her eyes again, figuring the conversation would turn to this. It always seemed to with Jessica.

'No, it's not that. Well,' she hesitated. 'It sort-of is. It's not that Leigh isn't good. She is. It's just that we haven't been together long and she doesn't know me like Alex did.'

'So she can't get you off like Alex did is basically what you're skirting around here?'

Olivia laughed and rubbed her hands through her hair as she thought back. 'Sort of. Alex and I were kind of like a wildfire on a windy day. We were dangerous and combustible and flammable and…. We fought, but only because we knew we'd make up sooner or later. And wildfire, in a roundabout way, is good for the land. So when we did make up… Whew. '

Jessica threw her head back and laughed. Who knew Olivia could be so poetic? 'Okay, okay, Liv. That's enough. You know what? Just give Leigh some time. She'll learn how to make you happy. How to fulfill your _needs._'

Olivia didn't know why she put up with Jessica. She rolled her eyes for the twentieth time that day and looked around for something else to throw at her.

…

The good things about Leigh were wonderful, sure. And she did get better at 'fulfilling Olivia's _needs'_ , she was creative and spontaneous. Olivia found herself being made love to in the strangest of places, including the equipment room by the gym and the roof of the Theater Building after a breathless excursion up six flights of stairs, all of which she thoroughly enjoyed.

But as she got to know Leigh a little better, there was really only one thing that bothered her. It shouldn't have been a big deal, but with Olivia's background it was troublesome to her. Leigh loved to go out and party. To get plastered, shit-faced drunk several nights a week. She certainly wasn't an alcoholic, but Olivia worried about her.

And Leigh brushed it off when Olivia told her about her worries, about her background and her mother's problem with alcohol. Of course she wouldn't understand because she hadn't been there when it happened, and Serena was miles and miles away. It was an out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. But the fact that Leigh brushed it off so easily, something that had haunted Olivia her whole life, something that had given her such a shitty childhood, really got to Olivia sometimes.

But for the most part, they were fine. And they stayed together. Olivia found herself thinking of Alex less and less. They hadn't spoken since the break-up. Sometimes she had the urge to pick up the phone and call her, just to hear her voice. But she resisted, wondering if they would ever be friends again, sad that she had lost one of the best friends she had ever had. Months flew by and turned into years and before she knew it, she was still with Leigh and her senior year of basketball was over and she would be graduating from college in three months. Leigh was a year behind her and would be staying for the next semester, so that was another issue they would have to deal with.

It was unbelievable to her how fast it had flown. It had been a blast, and she wouldn't trade it for anything; how much she had learned in school, how much she had matured from being in another relationship. Her bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice Administration, she was probably the most proud of. When she thought back about it, what else could she possibly be besides a cop? She was born for it, for protecting and serving, for getting justice for people who really deserved it.

Of course, she had always loved Cagney and Lacey, Magnum P.I., Dragnet, Murder She Wrote, and all the other detective shows. Olivia had read every Mary Higgins Clark book there was, every Nancy Drew mystery, every Hardy Boys mystery. She loved to figure out who did it and that good always won in the end. And according to the great Sherlock Holmes, she figured she had the four things necessary to being a great detective; the power of observation, deduction, knowledge, and a constructive imagination. So being a detective someday was her ultimate dream. But first she had to apply and make it through the NYPD Police Academy.

She couldn't wait.

_**Alex **_

_-Did she even want to date other girls? She had no idea what she wanted and so she went through basketball season trying not to think about it, trying desperately to forget about Olivia and move on with her life. _

_But move on to what exactly?_

She felt lost.

Her thoughts were conflicting. Lost, but determined.

She didn't know what she was supposed to do with her personal life. Had no idea. What was she supposed to do? How could she move on and find another girlfriend when she wasn't even comfortable with herself? When she wasn't out and wasn't exactly advertising her available status? She wished every day that she could just find someone else to fill her thoughts. Someone besides Olivia. Someone who was as wild and crazy. Someone who could intoxicate her the way Olivia did and banish these thoughts that tortured her.

But at the same time, she was determined to feel better about herself, to understand more about herself. She had to learn to love herself before she could attempt to be in a relationship with anyone else.

By her senior year, she hadn't dated much. She focused on studying, on learning. She focused on basketball, losing herself within the team. They were successful, made it to the conference tournament three times while she was there. So Alex allowed those things and her teammates to fill the hole in her chest that was Olivia.

And the whole time she was in college, she only told a couple of her teammates, Bren and Kelly about her previous relationship. They were her best friends, they lived together in an apartment off-campus after their freshman year; she knew she could trust them to be discreet, and to not hold it against her. She told them the whole story, and it felt incredible to get it off her chest, to finally tell someone about what she was feeling. And just like she thought, they didn't judge her. And they kept her secret because they knew she wasn't ready to tell everyone else.

They supported all of her decisions, and encouraged her to study hard and take her LSATs, which she scored highly on. Her applications to several prestigious law schools went without any help from her family. She knew she could have used her connections to get her in easily, but that wasn't the way she wanted to do it. Alex was headstrong and independent and stubborn as hell. She didn't need anyone to help her on her way. She did, after all, put herself through the university with her basketball scholarship. Sure, it would be nice to have someone help pay for her law school, but she knew her father would help her with that. And she planned on paying him back when she got out.

So in their apartment one day in the spring, when Bren tossed her the stack of letters with a sly smile on her face, Alex looked up at her, confused for a moment. It hit Olivia that Bren was being playful with that smile. She grabbed at the letters, flinging the unimportant ones over her shoulder. They hit the wall with a light smack and slid down behind the couch. Bren smiled at Alex's ferocity. When she found the letter she was looking for, at the bottom of the pile, naturally, she held it in her hands and stared at it.

She looked slowly up at Bren and saw that Kelly had joined her in the doorway. The letter had the Harvard seal on the front. This was the one.

'Holy shit, guys. This is from Harvard.'

They laughed at this. 'Uh, yeah, Alex. I know, that's why I put it on the bottom of the stack.'  
>Alex frowned at her and raised an eyebrow. Of course Bren would do that. Just to mess with her.<p>

'I can't open it. I'm too nervous.'

'Alex, just open it. Come on.'

Alex shook her head, but her fingers flew over the flap keeping the envelope closed. She was terrible at opening letters, the damn things always ripped in the worst places, ruining the whole envelope. Finally getting it open, she pulled the folded paper from the crisp envelope and held it up in front of her.

Looking at her roommates, she grinned nervously.

'Okay. Here goes.' She hesitated again, really not wanting to open the folded letter and read whatever it said. It was too nerve-wracking. This was the one she was really waiting on, the one she had been holding out for.

Alex had been accepted to several other law schools, Boston University Law and New York University Law along with some others. But this was the one. It didn't get any better than Harvard Law, and she had worked so hard for this. She had studied like a madwoman for her LSAT, for all of her classes to keep her GPA up.

The moment of truth was here, so she took a deep breath and slowly unfolded the letter.

She kept her eyes closed for a second. When she opened them, she let them focus on the first few lines of the page.

_Dear Ms. Cabot:_

_On behalf of the Harvard University School of Law Admissions Committee, I am pleased to inform you that you that you have been granted admission to the …_

And that was all she needed to read. She dropped the letter, put her hands over her eyes and fell back against the couch. Tears were streaming down her face when she pulled her hands away.

The looks on her roommate's faces confused her momentarily. They looked like they didn't know how to respond, whether to be consolatory or ecstatic, and she realized quickly that her response to the letter didn't reveal exactly what she had discovered.

And the tears weren't helping either.

'Oh my god. I GOT IN!'

They exploded with cheers and jumped up and down. The two of them attacked her on the couch, hugging her and slapping her on the back and tickling her with jubilation. It was one of the best moments of Alex's life. She was about to live her dream.

**A/N - next chapter of their lives, coming right up! If you liked it, let me know. If you didn't like it... I guess you can still let me know. I enabled Anonymous Reviews because the announcement page said it would get me more reviews. We'll see about that. Maybe I won't get any spam. **


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N – hello readers! So Listen. I've got some good news….. Would you like to know what it is? Are you sure?  
>Well, it's a surprise so you'll have to find out for yourself and read this chapter. Oh, and fair warning. . . it's sad. It's sad because it has to be, but it gets better, you'll see. <strong>

**Chapter 14 – Tied Up/My Little Girl  
><strong> 

_**Olivia**_

Olivia and Leigh had been together for a couple years. They hadn't had any serious fights, hadn't taken any breaks from one another. They were happy with one another. But there was a slight, almost imperceptible change when Olivia went into the academy. Leigh was supportive, absolutely. She was completely behind Olivia on her acceptance to the academy and the time Olivia spent away from her during training. It was tough to be away from one's girlfriend during the entire work week and only have the weekends to see each other.

But the almost imperceptible change was that Leigh became more interested in every single thing Olivia did when she was in the academy. She wanted to hear every detail about what went on there, everything Olivia had to endure, the food, the physical training, the classroom work. And Olivia honestly just wanted a break from thinking about it.

Olivia thought it was strange that she was so interested in it, that she was fascinated by it. And when they saw each other on the weekends, she was insatiable. Leigh didn't even want to leave the bedroom the whole day.

One weekend towards the beginning of December, Olivia came to see her. She came in the door and Leigh met her there, pulling her in close, melding their bodies together as they kissed. Olivia certainly enjoyed the arousal that coursed through her; it had been an entire week since they had touched, after all.

But when Leigh led her into the bedroom, the feeling was different, the tone was different somehow. It felt darker, more carnal. And the way Leigh's hands were feeling up her body and the way her mouth was moving across Olivia's flushed skin was increasing her heart rate, yes, but it stirred her subconscious. The voice in her head was telling her to tread cautiously; her instincts were saying something to her.

And they told her in the academy that her instincts would be fine-tuned, that they would save her life at some point in her career, probably time and time again.

But this was Leigh, and she trusted her. So she ignored it, pushed it to the back of her mind.

Leigh reached under her bed and pulled out a box.

'I've got a surprise for you,' she said seductively, her eyes hooded, desire evident in them.

_A surprise huh? This should be interesting.._ What though, was what she couldn't figure out. What could be in that box?

Olivia opened the box and when she saw what was inside, she smiled nervously, a little shocked at what she saw. She wasn't expecting this.. Maybe some candles and massage oil..

Olivia thought briefly to herself that this was what her intuition was telling her. Leigh wanted to be tied up. Or wanted to tie Olivia up, to restrain her. _Shit._

Inside the box, she reached down and pulled out a light scarf, colorful and vibrant. _Okay. So Leigh wants to be tied up. But only with a scarf. Could be worse. _Olivia breathed a quiet sigh of relief, she was really afraid it was going to be handcuffs. She wasn't ready for that. This, she could handle.

Olivia regained her composure, hiding her relief, and put on a surprised face.

'So… what do you think?' Leigh asked, her expression excited. 'You haven't said anything.'

'Well, I don't know what to think... What are we going to do with this?'

Leigh rolled her eyes at Olivia's naïveté. Olivia knew this was what she was thinking, but she was far from naïve. In fact, she thought of herself as pretty sexually progressive. What Olivia was truly worried about was WHY now does Leigh bring the scarf and want to use it? Why did she want to be tied up?

'What the hell do you think we're going to do with it?' Leigh asked huskily, moving towards Olivia slowly, taking the scarf from her in one hand and pulling Olivia close by the front of her shirt with the other.

Olivia tried to push her reservations to the back of her mind. She wasn't sure about this. Tying someone up and then taking advantage of them, it was something she would have to work on. She couldn't stop thinking about having to throw her fellow police recruits to the ground and brusquely handcuff them. She couldn't stop thinking about being thrown to the ground herself and roughed up. . . They all had to go through it, to practice and to understand what it felt like. It wasn't pleasant; it was nerve-wracking in fact, not a turn on at all. And she wasn't one to get a power trip from the tools she carried on her belt. But Leigh was sexy as hell right now, the way her eyes were dilated and burning with desire. And this was only a scarf, and it was only for fun.

But she would go along with this, to make Leigh happy, so she shook her head mentally, ridding herself of negative thoughts and pushed Leigh backwards on the bed. It would be fine, it was just for fun. It's sexy.

'So who is going to be restrained? You or me?' Olivia asked in a low, quiet voice.

Leigh smiled, baring her teeth and grabbing Olivia by the back of her neck.

'Me. Tie me to the bed and fuck me.'

_Whoa_.

Leigh knew the hotline straight to Olivia's groin. And with that, she pulled Olivia down towards her, capturing her lips in a crushing kiss.

They fought each other, lips crashing and tongues dueling, until Olivia had the upper hand. She grabbed one of Leigh's hands while simultaneously straddling her upper torso and pushing her knee down onto Leigh's other arm.

Olivia tied a knot around Leigh's hand and quickly wrapped the other end around the wooden slats of the headboard.

Leigh squirmed against her, unsuccessfully trying to buck her off. She didn't want it to be too easy. But Olivia was heavier and stronger than Leigh, especially now having gone through physical training at the academy. And she grabbed Leigh's other arm and forced it up into the remainder of the scarf, closing the knot snugly on her wrist.

Leigh was breathing heavily, and her eyes were dark, filled with lust.

_Is this what you really want_? Olivia wanted to ask her, but didn't. She could see it in Leigh's eyes, of course she wanted this.

…

**My Little Girl**

_When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone  
>Now look at you, I've turned around you've almost grown<br>Sometimes you're asleep I whisper 'I Love You' in the moonlight outside your door  
>As I walk away, I hear you say, 'Daddy Love You More'<em>

_You're beautiful baby from the outside in  
>Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again<br>Go on, take on this whole world  
>But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl.<br>_{Tim McGraw – My Little Girl}

**Alex**

Finally! Alex walked out of Langdell Hall and towards Massachusetts Avenue and her apartment. The air was crisp and cold, and fall was in full swing. The leaves vibrant orange and yellow and red were so beautiful this time of year, at least she thought so. Some people didn't like the cold, but she didn't mind it so much. It was beautiful and that's what mattered, really.

Her last classes of the semester were done; she had just finished with both the Torts and Procedures exams. She felt good about them, really good in fact. All that studying had paid off, and she breathed a giant sigh of relief at the thought of the upcoming break. Her first semester was tough, but she could handle it. She was a Cabot after all.

'Cabot!'

A voice rang out behind her, and she heard her name being called. That voice. . . Oh boy.

'Hey! Cabot, wait up!'

Alex turned as she caught sight of the lanky brunette jogging gracefully towards her. Her long, dark hair was wild and her eyes danced with joy as she caught up to Alex. She clapped the blonde on the back, causing her to stumble forward a bit; Alex recovered quickly though and smiled, stopping on the sidewalk to talk.

'Hey Abbie. How was your test?'

Abbie Carmichael, loud and outspoken and very Texan, beamed at her.

'Oh it was great. I think I really did well. You look like you did pretty good too?' Alex nodded her head as Abbie continued in her slightly drawling, raspy voice.

'Good, good. So listen, I'm fixin' to go grab a couple beers at the Kong to celebrate the end of the semester. Wanna come?'

Alex frowned, disappointed that she had to turn down the offer. She explained to Abbie that she was expected home for the holidays today and had to get on her way here pretty quickly. Abbie shrugged her shoulders and grinned.

'Oh well. We'll have to get together for drinks or something when school starts back up, sound good?'

'Yeah. Sounds good,' Alex replied. She always felt better when Abbie was around. There was something about her, maybe just that she was from Texas, something that radiated positivity and friendliness. It was infectious.

'Alright, I gotta go get drunk. Have a great holiday and I'll see ya around!' Abbie turned on her heel and walked in the other direction.

Alex smiled and shook her head as she turned back in the direction of her block.

Her phone rang as she fumbled with her key to her apartment. She tossed her bag aside as she scrambled over to the kitchen counter to answer it. The caller ID let her know right away that it was her parent's house calling. Probably her mother to make sure she would be getting on the road soon. Virginia wanted her home for the holidays as soon as possible. Something about a big party with all the important people in the family, a celebration of her first semester of law school. Blah blah… she had to try and find a way out of it.

Her mother was indeed on the other end of the line when she answered, but her tone was not what Alex expected. No, not what she expected at all.

Alex almost dropped the phone when she heard what her mother had to say. Virginia's voice was wracked with intermittent sobs. It was unexpected, and apparently it was far worse than what they thought.

Her father had cancer.

It was bad. He had no idea what had been happening inside of him. There were no warning signs until he started losing weight over several weeks and sweating profusely at night. After two weeks of the sweating, he had had enough and Virginia accompanied him to the doctor.

She sank to the cold, tiled floor, and sat with her elbows on her knees, her head cradled in her free hand as she listened to her mother's voice without hearing any of the words. Ignoring all the details about what exactly it was that her father had, she wasn't ready for that yet. She had heard all that she needed to hear. Her father, her daddy, was sick. Very sick. And she had to get home to see him.

So she pulled herself together, she knew that she had to be strong for him. God knows he was her rock when she was growing up, defending her so many times from her mother. What a turn-around for her mood. She had been so excited to get home and see her family, and now she dreaded it. Dreaded seeing her father in a hospital bed, sick and weak. Clothes and shoes flew into her suitcase, and she tossed some underwear and toiletries haphazardly towards it, not really thinking about what she was doing.

….

The hospital smelled like hospitals usually do: like sanitizer masking the smell of death. It was something you had to get your mind around. That people came here to get better. That the smell was of people getting better, not dying. She couldn't keep the morbid thoughts from her mind, though. How can you when someone you know and love has cancer?

She stopped at the nurse's desk and asked where Franklin Cabot's room was. When the nurse pointed her in the right direction, she made her way down the hall, dreading what was waiting for her.

When she turned at the room number the nurse had told her, she saw her mother seated in an armchair next to the bed, holding her father's hand. Alex gasped imperceptibly when she saw him. She hadn't been home since she left initially for school. It had been four months and the difference was unbelievable in how he looked. He caught sight of her as she stood in the doorway, and his eyes brightened visibly from across the room.

'Alexandra, get in here,' he said quietly, gently from his bed. She had to work to keep the sad expression off her face and the tears out of her eyes as she made her way to the chair opposite her mother's. He was so different. Gaunt and pale, he was thin and looked like he was wasting away in front of her. Her mother smiled sadly at her.

She sat down and took his other hand; he sat up a little bit in bed and winced at the movement. _Oh no_, she thought. _He's in pain._

Her father was the type to get right down to business. No bullshit. That was something she loved so much about him. One of many things. He hated skirting around the truth or the facts. He had things to get done and he rarely hesitated. He was one of the reasons she was so driven; he was so self-sufficient and successful. She always wanted to be just like him, patient and kind and smart. Always wanted to show him how good she could be.

So she asked him, fighting to keep her voice steady, 'So what do you have exactly, Daddy?'

He looked over at Virginia, looking a bit like he was asking for her permission to tell Alex.

'Daddy,' she said, squeezing his hand, bringing his attention back to herself. 'Tell me.'

'Hodgkin's lymphoma. Stage four.' He spoke quietly still, but his blue eyes were the same, vibrant and clear as ever.

'That doesn't sound good,' she joked. He snorted a bit at this, wincing again at the movement.

_Okay, no jokes_, she thought. 'And what is stage four?'

'It has. . spread to more than one organ, my liver and my bone marrow, as well as my lymph nodes. It's an immune system cancer, and usually there's a good chance they can stop it if they catch it in the early stages.'

'So, I'm guessing stage four is not an early stage?'

He shook his head, squeezing her hand. She tried to blink back her tears but several streamed down her face, hot and unwanted.

'Daddy,' her voice came out choked, and she knew what she wanted to say, but the words wouldn't come out.

_Don't leave me._

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . .

_**Olivia**_

Leigh grabbed her hand as they stood in line for sandwiches at the deli on 72nd street. Her hazel eyes glistened mischievously as she kissed the knuckles on Olivia's hand. Olivia smiled and pushed a strand of hair behind Leigh's ear with her other hand. Her weekend was flying by so far, and her afternoon spent with Leigh put a satisfied smile on her face. She thought now that had no reason to be hesitant about the scarf. It turned out to be one of the most erotic things she had ever experienced. She brushed away the warning signs and flags shot up by her subconscious.

Olivia looked away from Leigh and up towards the board above the counter, trying to decide what she wanted when something caught her eye. A flash of blonde hair flitted out of her peripheral vision off to her right. She did a double take as she looked over and saw who the blonde hair belonged to. Of course she would be here right now. _Good timing, Liv. _It was Alex's neighborhood after all. _Why did I bring Leigh here of all places?_

Alex stood by the refrigerated drinks, her hand on the handle to one of the glass doors, staring, frozen, right at Olivia. Her face was almost comical, her mouth stuck in an 'O'. It had, after all, been almost three years since they had seen each other. But what Olivia noticed right away was that her face was anything but comical, it was tearstained and red, her eyes were bloodshot. She had definitely been crying. She was staring now at Olivia's entwined hand and then up at Leigh who was still studying the board.

'Hey, get me a pastrami sandwich, no mustard. I'll be right back,' Olivia said quietly to Leigh, letting go of her hand and turning towards the refrigerators.

Leigh's eyebrows furrowed, and she asked, 'Where are you going?'

'I'll be right back.' Leigh frowned and watched as Olivia approached the blonde.

Olivia walked over to Alex, who had closed the refrigerator and held a bottled juice in her hand. She shuffled her feet nervously, fidgeting with the bottle, looking down. She looked like she was about to start crying.

'Alex,' Olivia said as she approached her. 'God, Alex. . . What's wrong?'

Alex smiled sadly and looked up into Olivia's eyes. Brown eyes met blue and Alex felt a shiver run through her body, something that hadn't happened to her for three years.

Apparently Olivia felt it too, because she cleared her throat and shook her head slightly before she stepped closer to Alex, putting a hand on her shoulder. Alex's eyes were filled with tears, and she looked about ready to sit down and cry.

'Alex,' she said again, trying to resist the urge to pull the blonde into her arms to comfort her. 'Tell me what's wrong.'

Alex reached up and wiped her eyes, doing nothing to staunch the flow of tears.

'It's my Dad, Liv. He's . . . he's dying.'

Her voice broke as the words came out of her mouth. And Olivia didn't care that Leigh was walking over towards the two of them now with a tray laden with sandwiches and chips. She didn't care that Leigh certainly by now knew exactly who this mystery blonde was. Alex and her father were so close, and she needed comfort right now. So she pulled Alex into her arms and hugged her, letting Alex cry on her shoulder. They fit perfectly together, still. Olivia pushed that thought immediately from her mind and focused on making sure Alex was alright.

'Do you want to sit with us? Get something to eat?' Olivia asked as Alex pulled away from her and sniffed loudly.

Alex shook her head, wiping the tears with her arm now.

'No, I've got to get back the apartment. Mother needs a fresh change of clothes at the hospital and . . . '

Her voice broke off, the tears were threatening to fall again so she stopped speaking and looked down at her feet.

'Okay. Well, are you home for the break?'

Alex nodded her head. She had to get out of here. It was too hard to be around Olivia right now. How easy would it be to just fall into her arms, to grab on to her and not let go. But Olivia was here with someone else. Her feelings were all mixed up. It was too much.

'Alright, well, be careful going home, okay?'

Nodding her head again, she made her way to the counter to pay for her juice and then pushed open the deli's door and walked out onto the street.

Olivia resisted the urge to follow Alex and make sure she made it home; she turned back to Leigh who eyed her suspiciously as she walked over to their table. She sat down and Leigh's mouth was pressed into a thin line.

'Was that Alex?' she asked, ignoring her food and concentrating on Olivia.

'Yes, it was.'

Having been dating for almost two years, they had had the previous relationship conversation. And Alex had been a sensitive subject. They were together for several years and Olivia told Leigh about how Alex was her first love. She didn't want secrets between them, so she answered any questions Leigh had about their relationship. But Leigh was jealous of Olivia's relationship with her, seeing as how Alex was the one who broke up with Olivia. She worried quite often that Olivia still had feelings for her. Olivia constantly assured her that no, she was over Alex, and she was very much in love with Leigh now.

'What was wrong with her?'

'Her father is dying, she said. I don't know, she didn't say much else.'

Leigh looked down. 'Oh,' she said. 'That's terrible.'

'Yes, it is,' said Olivia. 'She's very close with her father. He was the mediator a lot of times between her and her mother when they fought.'

'You sound like you still care for her.'

Olivia wasn't sure if this was a question or a statement, but she answered the only way she knew how, with the truth.

'Of course I still care for her. She was my best friend for three years. And now she's going through something awful.'

Olivia wanted to go on and say that Alex probably needed her, that her mother wouldn't comfort her like she deserved to be comforted. But she kept her mouth shut, knowing that it was too much, that it would set Leigh off on a jealous tirade. It didn't make sense to Olivia why Leigh couldn't leave the subject alone sometimes.

Every now and then Leigh brought Alex up, and she couldn't understand why Leigh was so insecure that she didn't believe that Olivia no longer had feelings for Alex. She guessed it was simply because Alex was her first and they had been together for so long, but she didn't know if Leigh's feelings of insecurity and jealousy were normal.

'Are you going to see her again?' Leigh asked quietly.

Olivia sighed, not wanting to get into a fight right now, not when her mind was preoccupied with other things.

'I don't know. She probably needs a friend right now. So I might go see her and see if she needs to talk.'

An unsure look passed across Leigh's face, but she put on a smile that didn't reach her eyes and nodded her head. Olivia was not asking for permission; she was telling Leigh what she planned to do.

**A/N – This was an interesting chapter for me. . . ideas just kept popping out, and so here it is. Hope you enjoyed. Let me know what you think. **


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N** – Thank you so much to everyone who has read the story so far. And to those of you who have added me to your story alerts, author alerts, or left a review. . . Thank you, thank you, thank you! What a compliment! That people actually want to keep reading my story. Awesome.

So this chapter is both a filler chapter and a momentous experience in Alex's life, in several ways. It was weird writing a chapter set during the winter when right now it's the middle of summer and I'm enjoying the beach. Hope you enjoy.

**Chapter 15 - **_**Cold**_

_Cold  
>Icing on the walkways<br>Slip in to the games we play  
>We're falling apart<em>

_A great big house_  
><em>That's made out of ginger bread<em>  
><em>Crumbles to the ground<em>  
><em>We're breaking apart<em>

_But you said that, you said that things would be alright_  
><em>But I've heard that, I've heard that so many times and I know that<em>

_It's not Christmas if the snow don't fall_  
><em>And I'm still standing here three feet small<em>  
><em>Lose our troubles because after all<em>  
><em>It's Christmas time<em>

_And I've been waiting for you to come_  
><em>And it's hard cause I feel so alone<em>  
><em>And I just want you to come home<em>  
>-<em><strong>Colbie Caillat (Mistletoe)<strong>_

_**Alex**_

The kitchen lights were bright and harsh. Alex leaned up against the cold marble and took a sip from the glass of ice water. It felt nice going down her sore throat; she had been crying these past couple of days more than she could ever remember crying. She thought she was tough. She could handle injuries and physical pain; she had the scars on her knees from when she was little and her ankles still ached when the weather got cold. But this was so different from the physical. This was personal and emotional and real and terrifying. She had never even considered what it would be like to lose one of her parents. Now it was all she could think about. What would life be like without him?

She was going to lose her role model, her hero. And he had been her hero, teaching her all kinds of things growing up. How to play all kinds of different sports, how to throw a Frisbee, fly a kite, ride a bike, tie her shoes. He treated her like most dads would treat their sons, putting her in team sports and pushing her athletically.

He was confident and sure of himself, and she emulated him as best she could, striving to be a competitor and the best at everything she did. And now he was wasting away before her eyes, withering and succumbing to cancer. He had declined treatment after hearing what the doctors had to say about his prognosis. She closed her eyes and swallowed back the lump in her throat that had been with her for the past four days.

It was December 23rd and she thought about how the scene in her kitchen should have looked. Normally there would be Christmas carols, Bing Crosby usually, decorations up all over the apartment, and spiced hot cider simmering on the stove, filling the whole place with wonderful aromas. It was cold outside, but there was no snow. It didn't feel like Christmas.

Alex was expecting her mother soon, she had convinced her to come home from the hospital for a change, take a shower and have a proper meal. She looked past the bar and out the window in the living room. Raindrops ran in small rivers down the glass, and every now and then she could hear the faint rumble of thunder. She thought about her mother, hoping she had an umbrella with her.

The key turned in the lock around the corner, and Alex gripped her glass tightly, anxious about being alone with her after all that had happened. Her father had always been there to intercept most of Virginia's animosity. Her mother came into the kitchen, shoulders a bit slumped from exhaustion surely. She put her purse on the countertop and turned to face Alex.

'Alexandra, dear.' Virginia held her arms out and Alex hesitantly stepped into them, not comfortable with showing affection to this woman who had hurt her so badly in the past. But she needed the comfort of touch right now and she knew that her mother did as well. So she rested her head on her mother's shoulder, trying once more not to cry.

Alex realized after a moment that Virginia's coat was damp and her hair was unkempt and a bit wild. She pulled away from her mother and held her at arms' length. 'Mother, you're soaking wet. You didn't have an umbrella?'

'No, I wasn't expecting rain. And I wasn't expecting to come home this evening either. But I'm glad I did. Your father insisted that we stay away for a while.'

'Why won't he come home with us?'

Virginia shook her head sadly. She spoke quietly. 'He's dying, darling. He doesn't want to burden us with everything that comes along with that.'

Alex nodded her head, understanding but still not liking the fact that her father was stuck in a cold, sterile hospital during his final days. Stepping towards the refrigerator, she opened it and looked at her mother. 'Can I fix you something to eat?'

Virginia walked around the bar and sat down on one of the barstools facing the kitchen.

'I do believe Mae fixed us a casserole and left it in the refrigerator. That would be fine warmed up, dear.'

She moved methodically around the kitchen, mindlessly pulling out two plates and silverware. Her actions were like that of a robot, but she couldn't help herself, her mind was all over the place. It was anywhere but in the present, she couldn't stand thinking about her father for too long, she would break down again and start crying. Virginia, recognizing that Alex was distracted, tried to strike up a conversation.

'Alexandra, dear, tell me about law school. How are you liking it?'

Her back turned to her mother, she frowned, knowing that this conversation was forced because the two of them hadn't talked much at all during the semester she was at school. She had checked in once a week or so, to let her parents know she was doing well, that she was safe and happy. But surely that wasn't how most mothers and daughters operated.

'I love it. It's what I always wanted to do, and everything about it interests me.'

Virginia smiled as Alex turned back around and placed the warmed plate of casserole in front of her. Alex kept her own plate on the counter in front of the bar, standing up across from her mother.

'That's wonderful. And the professors, how are they? I've heard they can be hard on the first year law students.'

Alex nodded her head as she took a bite. It was delicious, as Mae's food usually was.

'They are tough on us. But they have to be. It is Harvard, after all.'

Virginia looked at her thoughtfully. 'Yes, I suppose you're right. And have you made many friends? We really should talk more, dear. I should know these things about you.'

Ignoring her last comment, Alex chose to answer the former. 'I have made a few. I'm in a study group, so I've gone out for drinks with them a few times.'

Her thoughts went to Abbie Carmichael, and how she hoped they would become better friends later on. She seemed like she was always having a good time.

'Good, good,' Virginia nodded her head. 'And what about boys? Have you met any nice boys you'd like to date?'

In the process of bringing a forkful of food up to her mouth, Alex stopped suddenly when her mother asked the question. It was almost comical that her mother would ask her this. She knew that Alex didn't date boys. Why would she even ask?

Alex met her mother's eyes slowly and shook her head, raising an eyebrow as she did. She didn't say anything; she waited for Virginia to speak again.

'No? Why not, dear? You are a beautiful young woman, and you have so much to offer to a young man.'

'Mother. . . '

She started to speak, not really knowing what she was going to say. But she had to say something, had to stop her mother from prying into her personal life, from pushing her to do something she had no interest in pursuing. She was cut off, however, when Virginia started speaking again.

'I know you've had some trouble with relationships in the past, dear. But don't you think it's time to put that behind you and get serious about finding someone who can take care of you?'

Alex was flabbergasted.

'Someone to take care of me? Mother, I don't need anyone, especially a man, to take care of me. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.'

Smiling sweetly, Virginia pushed on. 'You're naïve, darling. You're still young and you don't understand what it's like in the real world. People are mean and will take advantage of you. You need someone to protect you from all that.'

'Wow,' Alex said quietly. 'So the four years I spent in college, completely on my own, with no _man_ around to protect me, those years don't mean anything.'

'I am not saying you're not capable of taking care of yourself, Alexandra. But you have to consider that you're a female; you are only a woman in a man's world. It is difficult for us to establish ourselves, so you would do best to have a man at your side, supporting and encouraging you.'

And now Alex was mad; _only_ a woman, huh?

How dare her mother tell her these things! How dare she try to put negative, chauvinistic ideas into her daughter's head about women not being to hold their own in the 'real world'!

'I'm sorry, Mother, but I will not stand for anyone, not even my mother, telling me that I am incapable of doing something. I can do anything I set my mind to, and I will too. And I _certainly_ don't need a man by my side, or standing in front of me as the case may be, to 'support and encourage' me.'

Virginia's mouth fell open at her daughter's vehement outburst, and Alex continued.

'And I will finish law school without getting married and being forced into his home to be barefoot and pregnant in his kitchen. Unlike you, Mother, I am driven and confident in my abilities. And nothing is going to stop me from getting what I want out of life!'

Virginia's face reddened, and she looked hurt at what Alex said about her.

'Alexandra, are you insinuating that I am not driven? That I sacrificed my life to be 'barefoot and pregnant' as you put it? That perhaps I should not have had you, that I should have concentrated on a career instead?'

'I don't know, Mother. I don't know what your plans were before you were married and had me. But I don't appreciate you telling me that I need a man to support me. You should be encouraging me to be strong and independent!'

'All I want for you is to be happy, dear. And I think that a man can make you happy and take care of you and protect you.'

Pushing her plate away from herself, she took a deep breath.

She had had enough. It was time. Looking down at her hands, she spoke.

'A man can't make me happy, Mother.'

Virginia didn't say anything, so Alex looked up. And she had her hand covering her mouth. _Shit. _

'What do you mean?'

_Now or never, _thought Alex. She had to get it out.

'I mean just what I said. A man can never make me happy because I will never be with a man. I am not attracted to men.'

Quiet for a few moments, Virginia spoke again.

'This is the same nonsense we dealt with when you were in high school with that. . . that girl, Olivia.' Alex flinched at her name and the memories of those fights she and her mother had over whether or not she was gay, and whether or not she should be sent to therapy for it.

'All you need is to find the right man. How can you know whether you are attracted to them or not? You're still so young and you haven't dated any of them have you?'

Alex shook her head. She did not want to have this conversation with her mother. But she had to, she had to get everything out in the open.

'It's not going to happen. I have slept with a man.' At this, her mother blanched, not expecting this sort of candid talk about sex. 'But it wasn't for me. I don't look at men like that. I don't flirt with them.'

Her mother's mouth was gaping open, looking like something similar to a fish out of water, desperately trying to find water.

'I don't believe this. You can't be a . . . a _lesbian_.' The word dripped with disgust from her mouth, and it looked to Alex like it was physically painful for her to say it aloud, especially in reference to her daughter.

'Labels, or no labels, Mother, I am still me. I am still your daughter. And you just said that all you wanted was for me to be happy.'

'I can't deal with this, Alexandra. Not right now. Not while your father is . . . ' She trailed off, tears pooling in her eyes.

'Mother. . .'

But Virginia cut her off, mumbling to herself. 'It must have been something I did. Where did I go wrong? I can't do this. I can't handle it.'

She was crying now, and her tears were getting the best of her emotions.

'I can't even look at you right now, Alexandra.' And with that, she got up and stalked out of the kitchen and towards her bedroom.

Alex turned around and covered her face in her hands. She took a deep breath and felt an enormous wave of relief wash over her. _Finally_. She had come clean and told her mother the truth. And she hadn't been kicked out of the house either, which was nice, considering it was cold and raining and her father was about to die.

Alex washed up the dishes, made sure the door was locked, and turned out all the lights on the way to her bedroom. She needed to get up early to see her father again in the morning so she went straight to bed. For the first time in a long time, she slept soundly.

… . . . . . . . . . . . . ….

_**Three Days Later. . . **_

The shrill ringing of the phone in the kitchen startled her out of her stupor. She wiped her eyes and nose on the back of her hand and arm and stood up. Passing by the full length mirror in her room, she got a look at her reflection and was almost frightened by her appearance. Her eyes were puffy and her face was a bit red from all the crying she had done recently. Shaking her head, she opened the door to her room and walked out into the hallway and towards the kitchen.

She picked up the phone on the fourth ring, saying hello without checking the caller I.D., not really caring who it was.

'Alex?'

The voice ripped her from whatever low place she had been wallowing in and back into the present. _Surely not, _she thought to herself before replying.

'Olivia?'

'Yeah, it's me. Listen, I've been worried about you since I saw you the other day. Do you want to meet somewhere, grab something to eat maybe and talk?'

_Olivia is worried about me? _Her heart fluttered for just a second and she tried to think of an appropriate response.

'Um. . . Sure, I guess.' Her voice caught then, suddenly thinking back on the events of the past two days. It kept happening to her. She tried to go about a normal day and forget, but she couldn't escape it.

'Alex, what is it? Oh shit. I forgot to ask how your dad is doing. Is he still stable?'

_Oh God, _thought Alex. I can't talk on the phone about this. But she had to be polite and answer somehow.

'Umm. . . No, Liv, he. . .' Her voice trailed off, and she was unable to finish without completely breaking down again. _I can't even say out loud that he's dead. _

'Okay, Alex. Listen, come meet me at the deli near your apartment and we can talk, alright?'

Alex sniffed loudly and regained her composure.

'Is it alright with your girlfriend for you to see me?'

She tried to incorporate some humor into her voice, but failed miserably seeing as how her voice cracked again in the middle of the question.

Olivia let out a small laugh. 'Yeah, I asked her. Meet me there in about thirty minutes?'

'Okay, I'll be there.'

'Oh, and Alex. . .'

'Yeah?'

'Bundle up, it's cold outside. It's been snowing all night.'

'Okay, thanks.'

And they hung up. She had no idea it had snowed.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


	16. Chapter 16

A/N – hello again everyone. I like this chapter. Hope you do too. And try the song out..you might like it.

**Part 16 - In My Arms Instead**

**The sky is grey  
>It's cold as a stone<br>It's just the kind of day  
>I can't stand to be alone<strong>

**Cause you, you've been on my mind  
>And I wish you were here<br>Beside me tonight lying in this bed  
>Cause I, I'm just not the same<br>I walk down these streets; I swear I hear your name  
>But it's just in my head<br>I wish you were in my arms instead  
>-Randy Rogers Band<strong>

A warm mouth moved down her jawline. It opened and spread wetness and heat with a skilled tongue down her neck. Finding her pulse point, it halted and worked its magic. It swirled and sucked and was probably going to leave a mark. But she didn't care. She let her fingers tangle through dark hair, pulling that mouth closer to her skin.

Alex was instantly wet. It felt so incredibly good, and her already overheated skin blossomed with goosebumps as pleasure coursed through her body. She squirmed delightfully under the muscular body on top of her.

'Alex,' a voice called out to her.

She stirred briefly, not wanting her dream to end, wanting so badly for it to be real.

'Alex, wake up!' that same voice, a scratchy, rather deep and yet still feminine voice called to her again. She opened one eye and tried to focus on the lanky brunette seated on the edge of her bed.

'Go away,' Alex mumbled grouchily.

Abbie Carmichael punched her playfully on the arm. 'Aw come on, Alex. You've slept in plenty. Must've been a nice dream though, huh?'

'Maybe,' Alex said, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. 'Why? Was I talking in my sleep?'

Dark eyes filled with mirth as she giggled. 'Don't look so nervous. You were just moaning and thrashing around a little bit.'

Alex ran a hand through her sleep-mussed hair. 'Oh boy.'

'Who were you dreaming about?'

Alex shot her a look.

'Who do you think I was dreaming about?'

Standing up, the tall Texan put her hands on her hips and shuffled her feet. A grin tugged on the corner of her lips as she spoke.

'Well, I was hoping you were going to say it was about me, but I guess that's not the case here. You could only have been dreaming about her.'

Thankful that Abbie didn't say her name, Alex shrugged her shoulders and swung her feet over the side of the bed. They had discussed Alex's relationship with Olivia the previous night, and Alex was glad she had found a friend to confide in about her feelings.

'I've got to go the bathroom,' she said as she stood up and made her way to the door of the master bathroom. She looked back over her shoulder at Abbie. 'Did you sleep well?'

Smiling, Abbie nodded her head. 'Yeah, your couch beats the hell out of the bed of a pickup truck at night in the middle of spring.'

Before she shut the door to the bathroom, Alex furrowed her eyebrows and gave Abbie a questioning look.

'Music festivals. Larry Joe Taylor, Chilifest, Austin City Limits. You wouldn't understand.'

'Ah,' said Alex as she shut the door on her strange friend.

When she was finished, Alex went back into the bedroom and out into the hallway that led down the hall to the kitchen and living area of her apartment. Abbie had made herself at home seated on the couch with a bowl of Cheerios and her feet propped up on the coffee table. Alex filled up a glass of water for herself and grabbed an orange from a bowl on her counter; she made her way back into the living room and sat down on the cushion next to Abbie.

'Hey, thanks for letting me crash on your couch last night. God knows where I might have staggered to if I had tried to go home.'

'Yeah, no kidding. Too many beers and shots of tequila.'

The brunette rolled her eyes as she picked up the remote control and started flipping through the channels.

'It was only one shot of tequila. You just can't handle your alcohol.'

'Oh, and you can? You passed out right in the middle of our conversation,' Alex scoffed.

Abbie shrugged her shoulders and continued eating her cheerios. 'That is absolutely not true. I was listening. I was just resting my eyes.' She turned to look at Alex with a cocky smirk on her face. 'And besides, being from Texas, I have an innate ability to outdrink any person from any other state. Especially a damn Yankee.'

Alex laughed and slapped Abbie playfully. 'Shut the hell up, Abbie. You don't mean that.'

'Maybe not, but I'll defend my honor 'til the end! And tonight is New Year's Eve, so we have to get ready to party again!'

After groaning at the thought of more alcohol later, Alex sat back and thoughtfully chewed the orange slice she had just freed from its peel.

'I'm glad we talked last night though, it was good to get all of that off my chest,' Alex said, glancing over at Abbie, thankful that her friend was so accepting of her.

'So am I. It's nice to know a little bit more about you. You're so shy and guarded most of the time.'

'Yeah, I know,' Alex sighed. 'But I'm getting better about it, don't you think?'

Abbie nodded.

'And now it's your turn to fess up and tell me all your deep, dark secrets,' Alex said playfully.

Stiffening visibly, Abbie laughed nervously and glanced sideways at Alex. 'Good luck with that,' she said. 'So tell me, do you think Olivia's going to drop that foreigner and come crawling back to you?'

Alex noticed the abrupt change of direction but said nothing, she recognized that Abbie was uncomfortable and didn't want to talk about something.

Sighing, Alex thought back to her conversation with Olivia in the deli five days ago.

…..

_**Alex - December 26**_

The snow crunched under her feet as she made her way down the street. It amazed her that even after several years of being apart, she was still reminded of Olivia every single day. It was usually the little things, like walking past a park where the two of them had spent time together or a certain food that she knew Olivia didn't like. Now that she had experienced so much grief in the past few days, she was grateful for the welcome intrusion into her mind. Thoughts of Olivia were better than the alternative today.

She reached the deli, feeling tired and miserable as she pushed the door open. Alex walked in, relieved to be out of the biting cold of a typical New York City winter.

She looked around and spotted Olivia sitting next to the window at two-top table, her back to the wall of course. There was already food set out in front of her, two steaming mugs and two plates. Making her way past the crowded customers standing in line, she reached Olivia's table and pulled her chair out. As she sat down, her eyes met with Olivia's and she felt a familiar warmth wash over her.

'Hey, Alex,' Olivia said.

'Hey,' said Alex, settling in to her seat and looking around the table at the food.

'God, you look like you're freezing!'

Alex shrugged and rubbed her hands together to try and get some warmth back into them. She took her gloves off and stuffed them into her jacket pocket.

'It's 15 degrees outside.'

'Yeah, pretty damn cold. I went ahead and got you some turkey and dressing. It's their special right now.'

Alex smiled. She and her mother hadn't spoken much to one another since she had come out, much less had anything close to a meal together. Normally her family had a huge Christmas dinner with plenty of leftovers to last them until New Years. But there hadn't been a dinner this year, only food that people brought them with their condolences.

'Thank you, Liv. You didn't have to do that.'

Alex picked up her mug and took a sip of the hot tea. It was strong and hot and it warmed her up from the inside out.

'I'm so sorry about your dad, Alex.'

Nodding, Alex took a deep breath, willing the immediately encroaching tears to go away.

'The. . . um,' she cleared her throat. 'The funeral was today.'

Olivia looked down at her hands, not knowing what to say. What could she say after all? Nothing right now was going to make Alex feel any better; she just needed to grieve.

'How's your mom doing?'

Alex looked up quickly, meeting Olivia's dark eyes. After everything Virginia had put her through, Olivia was still gracious enough to ask how she was handling everything. She took a bite of food to ease the silence that passed between them.

'I don't know. I haven't spoken to her since before he passed away.'

'You haven't?' Olivia looked confused. 'Why not?'

Shifting uncomfortably in her seat, Alex thought of that night, thankful that her secret was out in the open but still sad that her mother had given her the cold shoulder since then.

'I, um. . . I sort of. . .' Alex rolled her eyes, frustrated with herself. 'I came out to her, Liv.'

Eyes widening, Olivia stared at her open-mouthed. 'Alex, wow.'

'Yeah, I know. Last thing you expected, right?'

Olivia looked down at her hands. 'I don't know, it's just. . . Wow. So she knows everything?'

Alex pushed the turkey around on her plate, dipping some in cranberry jelly and taking a small bite.

'If, by everything, you mean does she know about you and me being together in high school, then I don't know. She might know. Surely she has some idea; she's not an idiot, she was just in denial I think. Anyway, we didn't talk about my past.'

'So how did it happen, then?' Olivia was curious, amazed that Alex, a girl who was so terrified of her mother that she allowed herself to be pressured into attending a different college than her girlfriend, had actually come out to her mother.

'She asked me if I was meeting any nice boys at Harvard, and she told me that I needed to find a nice man to support and protect me.'

'What the hell?' asked Olivia. Obviously, she felt the same way as Alex, that neither of them needed a man to look after them. They were both strong, independent women.

'Yeah,' Alex realized that she already felt a lot better talking to Olivia, even after all that had happened today. 'So I proceeded to tell her that not only did I not need a man to protect me, I also am not attracted in the least bit to them.'

'And how did she take that?'

'Not well,' Alex sighed. 'She wondered where she went wrong raising me and that she couldn't deal with it at that point in time.'

'So she might come around in the future, do you think?'

'I don't know. Maybe.'

'Wow. I still just can't believe you actually told her. That's so brave.'

Alex smiled. They finished eating their meal in comfortable silence, but Alex found herself looking up at Olivia every now and then. Her eyes were inexplicably drawn to the brunette's face, but mostly her lips. They were perfect. Dark pink and full, they called out to Alex, almost teasing her with their perfection. Her attempts at studying Olivia's face discreetly were in vain it seemed, as Olivia caught Alex's eyes on her as she ate. Smiling, Olivia didn't say anything, but she couldn't keep the humor out of her eyes as she looked back down at her food.

'So tell me about what you've been up to, Liv.'

Olivia put her fork down and sat back in her chair, patting her stomach contentedly.

'Let's see. I'm almost to the fifth month in the Academy. One more month and I'll be a police officer.'

Smiling, Alex said, 'That's awesome. So are you enjoying it? Is it what you expected?'

Olivia shrugged. 'I didn't really know what to expect, but it's not so bad since I played ball in college, so the physical training I can handle. The classroom part isn't bad either. I really am enjoying it, though. It's like I was made for this, you know?'

'I know what you mean,' Alex said, nodding. 'Do you get to go home every night?'

'Yeah, I do.' Noticing that Olivia hesitated to elaborate more on her answer, Alex grew curious.

'You still living with your mom? How is she by the way?'

Raising her eyes up to meet Alex's, Olivia furrowed her eyebrows and frowned.

'She's okay, I think.'

'You think?'

'I don't speak to her all that often. More than likely she's drunk half the time anyway. I never moved back in with her after I graduated. I um. . . I moved in with Leigh so that I can save up enough money to get my own apartment.'

_Ouch_, thought Alex. _That hurts more than it should. _

'Oh. . .' Alex said, her voice trailing off. She covered her disappointment quickly however and tried to put on a neutral, politely interested face. 'How long have you two been together?'

'Since December of our sophomore year.'

Alex's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

'Wow. That's right after we broke up.'

Olivia looked down at her hands and nodded. She raised her head back up and met Alex's gaze.

'So what is that, almost three years?'

'Yeah, it was, this month.'

'You must be pretty happy with her.' Alex fought to keep the jealousy out of her voice and her expression. It was a very strong feeling, however, and she fidgeted a little with her hands, not knowing what to do with them.

'Yes, I am. She's great.'

A strange feeling overcame her; she wanted at the same time to know everything about Olivia and her girlfriend's relationship and also to never think of it again. She held back the urge to ask Olivia more about her because she wasn't sure if she could handle knowing anything else.

'That's awesome, Liv. I'm happy for you.' Lying through her teeth, Alex wondered briefly if Olivia could see right through her.

If she did, she didn't let on. Her eyes sparkled with happiness, and Alex felt like someone had stabbed her heart with a serrated knife.

'So have you been seeing anyone?' Olivia asked innocently. Alex took a deep breath, knowing that this part of the conversation was coming and she had been dreading it the entire time.

'No, I haven't.' Looking surprised, Olivia leaned in closer. 'Really? What about during college?'

'Not really, no real relationships.'

'Why not? You're awesome, people should be lining up to be with you.'

Alex flushed briefly, secretly thrilled that Olivia would say this.

'I don't know. It was hard to meet other girls, especially since I wasn't out to many people.'

Olivia nodded, understanding. 'Well what about guys then?'

Raising an eyebrow, Alex smiled halfheartedly. 'Really, Liv?' she asked sarcastically. 'I just finished telling you about how I told my mom that I had no interest in guys whatsoever.'

'So you didn't get with anybody at all?'

Alex rolled her eyes and gave in to Olivia's prodding. 'All right fine. Yes, I slept with a couple of guys. But they were one night things and I kind of hated myself afterwards.'

Eyes widening, Olivia looked surprised. She hadn't really expected Alex to admit to sleeping with anyone.

'Well go on,' Olivia said. 'Tell me about it. Why did you hate yourself?'

'I don't know. I think the worst part was that I wasn't being honest. I was trying to convince myself that I was enjoying it, trying to convince him that I was enjoying it . . . mainly to get him to finish and go to sleep.'

Olivia laughed and Alex forced out a smile and continued.

'But I found that later I stopped feeling guilty. Because he _meant_ nothing to me.'

Nodding, Olivia nervously pushed around her napkin on her plate. She looked a little bit uncomfortable.

'Makes sense. It's so much better when you care about the person you're with.'

'Yeah, it is.' Alex said, looking right into Olivia's eyes, wanting to get lost in their chocolate depths. They talked a bit more about the future jobs and how excited they were about them.

Leaning in, Olivia asked about law school and Alex told her a little bit about it, that she enjoyed in the same way that Olivia enjoyed the Academy. She had found something she loved to do and was excited to be learning about it every day. Olivia asked when she was going back, and Alex told her that she would be here for a couple more days and then head back up to Massachusetts. She couldn't stand the silence in the apartment for much longer.

Eventually Olivia looked down at her watch and sighed. Glancing back up at Alex, she smiled apologetically.

'Sorry, but I'm supposed to meet Leigh for drinks here in a little bit. I better get going.'

_Don't go._

'Okay,' Alex said as she gathered up her belongings and pushed her chair back. 'Thank you for dinner. It was really good catching up with you.'

'You're welcome,' Olivia said as she stood up and let Alex walk in front of her towards the door. 'And yeah, it was good. I miss talking to you.'

Alex's heart fluttered, showing some life even after its earlier stab wound.

Outside, it was still bitterly cold, if not colder than it had been earlier. The sun was already beginning to set, thanks to the shorter days of winter.

Olivia's eyes glanced over Alex quickly as she stood with her arms crossed on the snowy sidewalk. 'Do you want me to walk you back to your apartment?'

_God yes._

'No, that's okay,' Alex said with a smile. 'You said you had to get going.'

'Yeah, but I'm worried about you. It's cold and it's getting dark.'

Alex rolled her eyes and grinned. 'Shut up, Liv. I can take care of myself.'

Olivia smiled back at her and nodded her head. 'Alright, alright. Oh, hey, do you have a pen? Let me give you my number. . . well, Leigh's number really, since it's her apartment.'

Fumbling for a pen in her bag, she found one finally but couldn't locate any spare scraps of paper.

'No paper?' Olivia asked. Alex shook her head no, and without hesitating, Olivia grabbed Alex's hand and pulled the leather glove from it, preparing to write the number on her palm.

As their skin touched, Olivia's warm skin holding gently onto the back of her hand, Alex subconsciously wet her lips with her tongue and she momentarily couldn't find her breath as she looked up into Olivia's eyes. Olivia apparently felt it too, because she held the pen in midair as she stared for a brief moment into Alex's eyes. It was a strange moment, for neither of them seemed like they wanted to look away, but a dark look crossed over Olivia's face as she seemed to remember something. She tore her eyes away and focused on writing the number across Alex's hand.

Alex sighed quietly in frustration, not really knowing what she had wanted out of that situation, but it was obvious that Olivia was now thinking about her girlfriend. Alex didn't like it. She wanted Olivia to be thinking about her.

'Call me if you need anything. To talk or . . . anything, really. Okay?'

Alex nodded and she looked down at her hand. Olivia's hand was still supporting hers, and when she let go, Alex instantly missed the contact.

'Be careful.'

'You too.'

And with that, Olivia turned and walked the opposite direction of Alex's apartment towards the subway station down the street. Alex watched her go, wanting so much to call out her name, to see her turn around and walk back to her, to jump into her arms and never let go. But she stayed silent, saddened that Olivia was happy with someone else. She tried to look on the bright side, dinner tonight and talking with Olivia about everything had really taken her mind off of the funeral earlier that day.

The sadness was going to be with her for a long time, she knew. But she would get through it. Her daddy wouldn't have wanted her to dwell on the fact that he was gone. He would have wanted to be fondly remembered, he would have wanted her to be strong.

….

Alex looked over at Abbie, who was still crunching her way merrily through the Cheerios.

'No, I don't think she is going to come back to me.'

'You sound pretty sure of that. But you never know sometimes,' Abbie said, her slight twang making Alex smile. 'Sometimes things happen that bring us together with the people we're meant to be with.'

'You're so smart, Abbie.'

Recognizing the sarcasm, Abbie turned and stuck her tongue out at Alex. She turned her attention back to the television, completely immersed in a soap opera. Alex rolled her eyes, and settled back on the couch, she prepared herself to be swept away with great acting and storylines.

_Maybe she's right, _thought Alex. _Maybe someday._


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N - So sorry I'm really dragging out this whole ordeal of Olivia and Alex not being together. I just want to get their backstories in first. Hang in there. **

Part 17 - Human

_Can you tell me how we got in this situation  
>I can't seem to get you off my mind<em>

'Cause after all, we're only human  
>Always fightin what we're feeling,<br>Hurt, instead of healing  
>After all, we're only human<br>Is there any other reason  
>Why we stay instead of leaving?<p>

-Jon McLaughlin, Human

**February - **_**Alex**_

'God, Dr. Scranton is the most boring professor I have ever had. I think I had drool dripping out of my mouth.'

Alex laughed as she hiked her back pack up a little higher on her shoulders. She looked over at Abbie and grinned.

'He might be boring, but I think that drool was definitely because you were staring at his ass the entire lecture. What's that all about?'

Abbie turned to her, mouth open, a shocked expression on her face. 'I was NOT staring at his ass! How could you even say that?'

Shaking her head, Alex fell into step with the brunette as they walked down the sidewalk. They hadn't specified where they were headed after class that particular Thursday, but it had become routine for them to go back to Alex's and drink for a while before they went out to the local hangout for law students, the Kong.

'He's got a nice ass, Abbie. There's nothing to be ashamed of.'

Abbie raised an eyebrow and nudged Alex with her elbow. 'How would you know that? You don't even like guys.'

It was so easy to get along with the brunette; she was so funny and sarcastic. But her humor could be pretty twisted and dry. Alex didn't mind arguing with her either. They got into countless disagreements about politics, seeing as Abbie was a Texan and blatantly conservative, Alex couldn't help but get her goat about things like gun control and foreign policy and the death penalty. It was all in good fun though, because Alex had a feeling that her friend wasn't as staunchly uptight about all those things as she made herself out to be. She tried to be tough, but Alex could see right through it. She was a softy, through and through.

'While that's true, I have had my fair share of male lovers. And I know a nice ass when I see one.'

'God, Alex. Shut up. You've been with what? Two guys? Gimme a break!'

Shaking with laughter, Alex led the way up a flight of stairs to her apartment. At the door, she took out her key, turned it in the lock and pushed the door open. She tossed her bag in the corner of the living room and heard Abbie do the same behind her. She liked to keep her apartment simple, but it still reflected her style and interests. She painted the walls a pale green when she first started renting the place, and the white shiny frames on her walls held black and white pictures of her favorite places in New York. She had gotten a good price on the used leather couch, and the matching armchair gave the room a warm, cozy feel. Walking over to the refrigerator, she opened it up and called over to Abbie.

'Want anything to eat? Or are you ready to start drinking?'

Abbie had taken her usual seat on the couch with her feet propped up on the coffee table, remote in hand.

'What ya got?'

Alex scanned her almost empty fridge and looked briefly in the freezer.

'A block of cheese. Some lunch meat, and a frozen pizza.'

'Yum,' Abbie drawled sarcastically. 'We can just wait till we get to the Kong later. I've been craving some hot wings.'

'You and your spicy food,' Alex said, as she grabbed a couple of beers, two shot glasses, and half-full bottle of Jose Cuervo.

Abbie looked up as Alex made her way around the couch. She eyed the tequila bottle suspiciously.

'What is that? You want me to throw up all over your bathroom or what?'

Alex shook her head. 'One shot is not gonna hurt anything, Abbie. Besides . . . we're playing a drinking game.'

'Oh shit.' Abbie did not look thrilled. Alex's games were usually fun but they always involved large amounts of alcohol in short amounts of time.

'Yep. It's called 'Never Have I Ever',' Alex grinned mischievously as she took in Abbie's expression. 'You've heard of it?'

Abbie frowned at her, casting a cynical look towards her blonde friend. 'Of course I've heard of it. It's basically an excuse to get me so plastered that I'll tell you everything you want to know about myself.'

Smiling happily, Alex nodded and poured two shots into the small glasses. 'I underestimated you, Carmichael. You're smarter than your accent lets on.'

Chuckling, Abbie shook her head, set down the remote and turned towards Alex. 'Okay, fine. I'll play with you, but you do realize I'm going to wrestle all kinds of juicy things out of you too?' When Alex gave her a playful nod, she went on. 'Right then. Quit being a little bitch and give me that tequila. Prosit!'

Downing the shot straight with no lime or salt was rough for both of them, and they gagged and gasped as the tequila burned their throats and stomachs on the way down.

'Prosit?' Alex asked. 'What does that mean?'

'It's a German and Texan saying that means 'I drink to your health'. Makes me want a Shiner Bock.'

Alex could only shake her head at her friend, amazed at her oddities.

'All right, whatever. Let's start the game. I'll keep it simple.' She picked up her beer and thought for a couple of seconds, trying to decide on something easy to get her friend with.

'Never have I ever . . . lived in Texas.'

'Damn it, Cabot! That's not fair. So now I gotta drink right? If I've done it?'

Alex nodded and pointed her finger at Abbie when she swallowed her swig of beer. 'Okay, your turn.'

'Okay,' Abbie said as she pursed her lips in thought. 'Never have I ever lived in Connecticut! Ha!'

Rolling her eyes, Alex took a drink, smiling the whole time because she knew that was coming.

'My turn. Never have I ever . . . been skinny dipping.'

Abbie grinned from ear to ear. 'Girl, how did you know I did that? You got lucky on that one!' She took a drink and noticed Alex's surprised expression.

'You've really been skinny dipping?' Alex asked, she had never had the guts, nor the opportunity really to do something like that.

'Hell yeah. Shit gets crazy when you're floating the Comal River.'

Once again, Alex was amazed. 'Alrighty. Your turn again.'

'Okay, let's make this more interesting. I think we need to get a little more drunk. Let's have a chugging contest with this beer and then start on the next one.'

So they clinked glasses and chugged away. Abbie, naturally, beat Alex by a good two seconds. She waited patiently for her friend to finish her beer. 'Told you I could drink you under the table.'

'Yeah, yeah. Now go get us some more beer,' Alex demanded, a little pissed because she lost. She was a competitor, after all. Abbie got up and stumbled a little bit towards the kitchen, the tequila was obviously having an effect on her.

When she returned and handed Alex another beer, the blonde had gotten over her hurt pride and was ready for Abbie's turn.

'Alright, let's see. Ooo, here's a good one,' she winked conspiratorially at Alex. 'Never have I ever been in a relationship with a girl.'

Alex rolled her eyes and took a large swig. When she swallowed, she furrowed her brows and looked over at Abbie who was looking pretty happy with herself.

'I noticed how you worded that. Normally, a female would go for the whole 'never have I ever kissed a girl' first. You skipped right over that and went for the relationship.' She looked at Abbie, who's eyes were wide. 'So. . . you've made out with girls before? Or . . . even better, you've had sex with them!'

Alex was bouncing up and down on the couch cushion, elated that she had caught Abbie in a trap.

'Uhh. . .' stuttered Abbie. 'That's not part of the game, Cabot. No cheating.'

'Oh come on. You can't hide something like that from me. Fess up.' Alex tucked a few stray strands of hair behind her ear and rested her head on her hand, all ears.

Sighing, Abbie spoke, 'Okay, okay. Yes, I've made out with women. And yes, I've slept with a couple of them. But I was drunk and it didn't mean anything.'

'Wow,' Alex said. 'So you and I are exact opposites. I'm gay and I've slept with a couple of guys when I was drunk. And you're straight and you've slept with a couple girls when you were drunk.'

Abbie frowned. 'Who ever said I was straight?'

Alex's beer got caught in her throat and a little went up her nose. Did she just hear Abbie correctly?

'So you're gay?' Alex asked, confused because she had always thought her friend was into guys.

'No. I don't know. Do I have to be one or the other?'

Shrugging, Alex didn't really know the answer to that. 'I guess not. I guess you can't really help you fall for.'

'I guess not,' Abbie said, looking over at the wall and taking a sip of her beer, lost in thought.

'Okay, my turn then,' Alex said, wanting to change the subject to get them both out of that slightly awkward, tension-filled moment. 'Never have I ever . . . faked an orgasm.'

It was Abbie's turn to almost spit out her beer. She inhaled some of it and started choking. Alex, laughing, roughly swatted her on the back a few times. When she had recovered, the brunette looked over at Alex with an incredulous expression.

'I wasn't expecting that. But, there's no way you've never faked one before.'

Looking down at her hands, she felt her face turn red. 'Okay, yes I have.'

'Cheater!' Abbie yelled, pointing at the blonde. She stood up and marched into the kitchen where she grabbed two more beers. 'Now you have to chug that beer since you lied. And I'll drink to faked orgasms as well.'

Giggling, Alex good-naturedly drank the remainder of her beer and set the bottle aside. 'When have you faked one?' Abbie asked.

'With the guys I slept with. I wasn't anywhere close to getting off, and they were taking too long. So I was hoping me faking it would speed things along a bit.'

Abbie laughed loudly at this and nodded her head. 'Been there. Done that.'

She quieted suddenly, thinking of something, and she turned to Alex. 'Never with Olivia?'

Alex shook her head, frowning. 'Never.'

'She was that good, huh?'

'We were just good together.'

Abbie nodded her head, but Alex didn't miss the sad look that crossed briefly over her face. She let it go though when Abbie announced that it was her turn again.

'Never have I ever. . . um. . . had a fling with a teacher or a professor.'

Alex was in the process of bringing her beer up to her lips when she processed what Abbie had said. _Shit._ She stopped the beer midway and glanced quickly over at Abbie, who was staring right at her.

'What?' Abbie said. 'What's the matter?'

Alex set her beer down without taking a drink. 'Nothing,' she said quickly. But it was too late. Abbie knew something was up.

'You've had a fling with a professor? Holy shit, I can't believe it.'

Shaking her head, Alex picked her beer back up. She didn't know what to do with her hands. _Shit._ She didn't really want to talk about it, but she knew Abbie was trustworthy and that if it were the other way around, she would want to know more about her friend. She didn't like talking about this, but she felt comfortable enough around Abbie.

'No, not a professor. It was back in high school, and it wasn't a fling. It was back when I went to Saint John's, before Cathedral. Before I met Olivia.'

'If it wasn't a fling, then what was it? And how old were you then?'

Alex sighed. The last person she had discussed this with was Olivia back when they first got together. 'I was fifteen, a freshman. My English teacher was real charmer.' She shook her head and shivered slightly at the memory of him.

'He heard from a student that I had been with a girl before I moved to New York, and he started harassing me about it. Started keeping me after class and making these snide remarks in class about how lesbians just need the right man to set them on the right track.' She laughed humorlessly at that.

'Kind of sounds like my mother, now that I think about it.'

Abbie hadn't said anything so far. She was quiet, listening attentively.

'Anyway, he made my life a living hell and caused to me to feel really guilty about myself and the feelings I had. And one day he told me to come over to his apartment for some extra 'tutoring', and if I didn't, he would fail me.'

'Please don't tell me you went over there,' Abbie said quietly.

'I had no choice. My parents wouldn't believe me, they thought he was great. So I put a tape recorder in my bag for proof that he had been harassing me and touching me. And when I had enough evidence, I stopped him before he went too far and kind of . . . kicked his ass.'

'Shut the hell up!' Abbie exclaimed. 'A fifteen year old girl fought off a fully grown man?'

Alex nodded. 'All you have to do is go for the balls, you know?'

She expected Abbie to laugh and maybe take a swig of beer or something, but instead the brunette had set her bottle on the coffee table and was wringing her hands nervously. When she sniffed loudly, Alex knew something was wrong. She tentatively reached over and tucked a lock of dark hair behind her friend's ear.

Abbie looked up then and made brief eye contact with Alex. Her brown eyes were filled with tears and her lower lip was trembling.

'Abbie, what's wrong? Did I say something to upset you?' Alex thought quickly back through her words and couldn't think of anything that would have been offensive to her.

'I . . . uh. . .' Abbie's voice broke and she was quiet for a few more moments. Trying to coax whatever was wrong out of her friend, Alex reached over and clasped Abbie's hand in her own, wanting to give her some comfort.

'Did something like that happen to you too?' Alex asked quietly.

Nodding her head, Abbie looked at her. Knowing this had to be hard for her because she was always trying to act so tough, Alex didn't want to rush her friend.

'In college,' Abbie started, her voice still shaking and her eyes still on her knees. 'I went on a date with this third-year law student at UT. I was only a freshman.'

Alex was nodding her head, listening closely. She knew Abbie couldn't see her, so she squeezed the brunette's hand gently, rubbing circles with her thumb over the back of her hand.

'God, I was only 18. I was so young and inexperienced.' She stopped again and wiped her tears. 'Anyway, he took me back to my dorm and we started to fool around. But then he started to get rough, and I didn't like it.' She paused briefly, flinching as she relived the memory in her head.

'I told him to stop, but he wouldn't. He was so much stronger than I was, and I knew that if I fought back, he'd hurt me worse. So I just laid there.'

Alex thought she should speak now to give her friend some comfort. 'Abbie, I'm sorry you had to go through that.'

Shaking her head, Abbie didn't appear to hear her. 'It was my fault,' she said quietly, tears dripping off her face. 'I shouldn't have brought him back to my dorm.'

'Abbie,' Alex said. 'Abbie, look at me.' When she finally brought her eyes up, Alex's were burning with what looked like fury.

'Don't you ever say that it was your fault. He raped you, Abbie, he took something precious from you. Your ability to consent. And nothing gives him the right to take that away from you.'

Closing her eyes, tears streamed down her olive skin as Alex held her hand.

'But I didn't do anything to stop him. I wasn't strong like you.'

Alex's heart melted at that and she grabbed her lanky friend and pulled her into a tight hug.

'I got lucky, Abbie.' Alex said quietly, her mouth close by Abbie's ear. 'I was lucky that he was a wiry little weasel. The guy who hurt you was probably huge.'

Abbie laughed a little at that as she hugged Alex back, glad to finally get her story off her chest.

'He was. I never told anyone about it before tonight.'

Alex pulled out of the hug and held her friend at arm's length. 'You never reported it?'

Abbie shook her head. 'I wasn't sure at the time if it was rape or just rough sex. I blamed myself for getting into that situation, so I never told anyone about it.'

'God, Abbie. I'm sorry. But please, please don't blame yourself. He hurt you.'

Nodding her head, Abbie looked up into those blazing blue eyes and found herself momentarily lost.

'You're a good friend, Cabot. Thank you for being here for me.'

'No problem,' Alex said, smiling at her friend. She reached over and wiped a stray tear that was making its way down Abbie's cheek. The brunette never broke eye contact with Alex as she reached up with her own hand and ran the backs of her fingers softly down Alex's face from her cheekbone to her jaw.

Alex was a little taken aback at the gesture, but she didn't pull away. It felt nice, actually. And when Abbie wrapped that same hand around the back of Alex's neck, she still didn't pull away. She let her own hand make its way around a lanky frame and rest on the brunette's back as Abbie's lips drew closer to her own. Their shared breath was warm and Alex felt a tingling deep inside as their lips pressed together. It was soft and slow, and Alex could taste the salt from Abbie's tears on her tongue.

They were mutually beginning to deepen the kiss and wrap their arms more tightly around one another when Alex's apartment phone rang out shrilly, harshly. They both jumped at the noise, startled, and broke apart.

… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**_Olivia_**

Olivia finally had some time to herself in the apartment, well, Leigh's apartment actually. Leigh had just left for the grocery store down the block for some food and alcohol. Olivia tried all week to get some time to herself, but it seemed like Leigh never left the house when Olivia was around.

Recruits weren't allowed to make calls while at the Academy, so she had to wait until she was back at Leigh's apartment to invite people to her graduation. The past week was finally winding down; physical training was a little easier, and the lessons weren't as demanding, except for their final tests, of course. It was the final week and her entire class couldn't have been more excited. Everyone was talking about having their extended families flying in from all over the country to see the graduation. Husbands, wives, kids, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends were all going to be there to witness the newest addition to New York's finest.

But Olivia didn't have that type of family. She had a drunk mother and she had a few friends from college who would come and she had Leigh. Olivia hadn't spoken to Leigh about inviting Alex, but she couldn't even picture her graduation without her best friend. They had basically grown up together, and their friendship stretched beyond their past sexual relationship. Even after three years of not seeing each other, they fell back into old habits, teasing each other and caring deeply about the others' well-being.

The jealousy that Leigh carried around regarding Alex and Olivia's past relationship was annoying to Olivia. She just wanted to be friends with Alex, but Leigh apparently couldn't stand the thought of Olivia spending time with her. When Alex called several weeks back just to say hello and to catch up on how things were going, Leigh was standing in the kitchen, watching and listening to Olivia like a hawk. The conversation was harmless, however, and Alex had to hang up to get to a study session on time. And she gave Olivia her apartment number so that Olivia could call if she needed to. Of course, Leigh made a huge deal out of nothing as soon as Olivia had hung up the phone, but she managed to diffuse the situation with some well-placed kisses along her girlfriend's neck.

But whether Leigh liked it or not, however, she was going to invite Alex to her graduation.

It was bad timing, unfortunately, because the graduation was this Saturday. And now it was Thursday night and she still hadn't been able to call Alex. Finally, Leigh left the apartment, and Olivia hurried over to the phone. Taking a deep breath, hoping Alex didn't have plans already for this weekend, she dialed the number hastily written on the pad they kept by the phone.

It rang about four times before someone picked up. A voice, breathless and shaky, answered.

'Hello?'

'Alex, hey, it's Olivia.'

There was a brief pause on the line. She heard some shuffling around in the background.

'Liv. Hey, how are you?'

'I'm doing well. You sound kind of out of breath. Everything okay?'

Another pause. 'Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Just had to hurry to the phone, is all. '

Olivia furrowed her eyebrows as she listened. 'Okay, well listen. Do you have plans for this weekend?'

'This weekend?' Alex said. It sounded like she was thinking about whether or not she had a test to study for. 'No, I sure don't.'

'Good. I know this is short notice, but my graduation is on Saturday at 11 am here at the Academy. I would love it if you could be there. Bring your friend, what was her name?'

'Uh. . . Abbie. Okay.' She sounded uncomfortable, but her tone quickly changed.

'God, I can't believe you're already graduating,' Alex said, her voice full of pride. 'That's so awesome, Liv. You're about to be out in the real world actually working. I wouldn't miss it for the world.'

Olivia couldn't help herself. She was grinning like an idiot, excited that Alex had agreed to come.

'Really? You'll be there? How far is the drive?'

'Of course I'll be there. Oh, I don't know. Three and half hours or so.'

Olivia hesitated. That was a long way to make someone drive for an hour-long ceremony.

'That's a pretty long drive, Alex. You sure you want to come?'

'I already agreed that I'd be there. Now quit trying to change my mind.'

Smiling again, Olivia didn't hear the lock turning in the door. She did hear it open, however, and she turned just as Leigh came into the kitchen with several bags of groceries. Leigh looked up at her and cocked her head to the side, curiously. She pointed at the phone in Olivia's hand and mouthed, 'Who is that?'

Olivia covered the phone with her hand and said, 'It's Alex.'

Leigh immediately frowned and busied herself with putting away groceries. She seemed to be distracted, though as she reached into the cupboard, grabbed a glass and pulled a bottle of vodka from the pantry. Olivia watched as she dropped a couple of ice cubes in the glass, glugged about two shots into the bottom and filled the rest of the glass with Sprite.

'You there, Liv?' Alex asked from the other end of the line.

'Yeah, I'm here.'

Alex hesitated. 'Is it okay with Leigh that I'm coming?'

And now it was Olivia's turn to hesitate as she watched her girlfriend down the mixed drink like it was water. 'Yeah, it's fine. Listen, I gotta go. I'll see you on Saturday, okay?'

'Okay. See you then.'

'Drive safe,' Olivia couldn't help but tell Alex to be careful, she always had to throw that in there.

'I will. Bye.'

Olivia hung up the phone and looked over at Leigh, who had left the majority of the food on the counter and was now refilling her glass.

'So you invited her?' She asked, her voice cold and distant.

'Yeah, I did. I want her to be there.'

Still looking down at her glass, Leigh took a sip. 'Do you want me to be there?'

Olivia stepped around the counter and took the glass from Leigh's unresisting hand. She pulled her girlfriend into a hug. 'Of course I do. I love you.'

'But you love Alex too, don't you?'

Olivia pushed the light hair away from Leigh's neck and kissed softly from her ear to her collarbone.

'Alex is my friend. I don't have feelings for her anymore.'

Leigh melted into Olivia's arms, turning her head to capture the brunette's lips with her own. She murmured into Olivia's lips, so quietly that she almost couldn't hear.

'I don't believe you.'

The strong taste of vodka on Leigh's tongue was overwhelming to Olivia. She gently pulled away and Leigh put both her hands on either side of Olivia's face, pulling her into another kiss, harshly pushing herself against Olivia's body until Leigh had her pinned against the counter.

'Leigh, stop,' Olivia said. 'Not like this. You're drunk.' And she pushed Leigh gently away from herself.

'Not yet,' Leigh said, her hazel eyes flashing as she stepped away from Olivia, grabbing her wallet and keys from the counter, she headed towards the door. 'But I will be. Don't wait up for me.'

Olivia sighed as the door slammed shut. _Shit._

She ran a hand through her hair and started to put away the neglected groceries. _Damn it, why is it that so many people in my life have to be so self-destructive. I don't want to spend my life trying to fix people around me. _

She thought of her mother and sighed. Desperately wanting her mother to get better, she called about once a week to check up on her and make sure she was attending her AA meetings. Most of the time she didn't answer, but when she did, her voice was usually slurred and she sounded sleepy. Olivia had tried all week to call and invite Serena to her graduation, but she didn't have any luck. Yesterday, Olivia was worried that something had happened, so she visited the apartment, halfway expecting her mother to be dead from alcohol poisoning. But there she was, sitting on the couch with a drink in her hand, yelling something at the television.

_Just like the good old days_, Olivia thought. She asked Serena then if she wanted to come to the graduation, but her eyes were so glazed over that Olivia was sure she didn't even know she was speaking to her own daughter. She claimed to have a date on Saturday, and besides, she said, she didn't want to go out in public looking like this.

Olivia shook her head at her mother's nonsensical, slurred speech. She unpacked a bag of groceries she had brought over and left.

…..

**A/N – That was pretty long chapter and I knocked it out in like, 2 days! Might be a new record for me. I was inspired by all of your lovely reviews and I thought I would treat you all to another installment. Again, sorry it was so long. Hope you liked it.**


	18. Chapter 18

_**A/N - Hello my beautiful, faithful readers. I have a special treat for you today. 9,000 words. That's right. And I thought the last chapter was long! I wrote most of this while on a trip abroad on the notepad of my phone, the internet sucked and I was bored without it so I wrote. And wrote and wrote and wrote. I hope you enjoy this one. Also: I couldn't think of a song to go with this. If anybody has any suggestions. Let me know. **_

_**Olivia**_

Olivia was worried about Leigh. It was the morning after their fight, if you could even call it a fight, and her graduation was the next day. Leigh never came home that night, and she hadn't shown up by breakfast either. Olivia glanced at her watch, scarfed down a couple pieces of toast, and grabbed an apple to eat on the way. She still had one day of class left and she was about to be late because she had been waiting on her girlfriend to show up. _Shit_, she thought, as she hurried out the door.

…

After class, Olivia opened the door to the apartment, hoping she would find Leigh in the kitchen or in the living room watching TV or reading. But no one was home. She looked at her watch. 5 pm.

The bar was bound to be open, and that was the last place she knew Leigh to probably be. She could also be staying at her friend's apartment close to the bar. But the bar was on the way to their apartment and it wouldn't be an inconvenience to check and make sure her girlfriend had been there at all.

So she walked the two blocks and hung a right to get to Fresca. There weren't many people inside, except for a couple of businessmen seated near the back at a mahogany table.

The bartender was a young guy with short cropped dark hair and perfectly sculpted eyebrows. Olivia walked over the bar and without sitting down, eyed the guy.

He set the limes he was slicing aside and made his way over to her.

'What can I do for you?' he asked, his voice silky.

'You probably weren't working the night shift last night, but ...' she hesitated, looking down at her hands. 'My girlfriend was here last night, I think, and she never came home.'

'Ah, a lover's quarrel?' he asked, grinning cheekily at her.

She nodded, not really in the mood for playful banter.

His smiled melted away when he saw that she was serious.

'It's your lucky day, girl, because the guy who was working last night is in the back. I'll go get him for you.'

'Thanks,' she said to his retreating back.

When the bartender came out of the back room, Olivia gave him the once over and decided that this bar had quite the variety of workers. This guy was all huge, bulging biceps and thick neck muscles. He looked like he could pull a 747 around a tarmac, no problem.

He smiled at Olivia and leaned over the bar towards her.

'Mario said you wanted to talk to me?'

Olivia nodded and looked around the bar.

'My girlfriend was here last night. Or at least I think she was. I don't know where she is now and I thought you could help me figure out where she might be.'

'Sure thing, sweetie. What does she look like?'

Immediately recoiling at the endearment, Olivia hesitated. She hated being called sweetie by people she didn't know, especially men. So patronizing. But she needed this guys' help. Her graduation was tomorrow and her girlfriend was missing.

'She's got dirty blonde hair, hazel eyes, a little bit shorter than me. She speaks with a Spanish accent.'

'Ah yeah, the hot Spanish chick. Yeah I remember her.'

His thick Jersey accent grated her already riled nerves.

'Good. You remember who she left with, which direction she went maybe?'

'Yeah, yeah. She was talking loud the whole night. Going on and on about the after party that was gonna be epic, blah blah. Pretty sure the after party was at her friends place. She was inviting pretty much the whole bar.'

Olivia nodded her head; she suspected Leigh might have gone back to her friend's apartment. But she wanted to make sure before she went banging on people's doors.

'Thanks. I appreciate it.'

'Yeah, no problem. See ya around.'

_Don't think so, buddy,_ she thought. So Olivia made her way down the block towards the apartment complex she was pretty sure Leigh's friends lived in.

She and Leigh had been over here a couple of times for drinks and dinner, so Olivia was familiar with the area. Olivia wasn't a big fan of her girlfriend's buddies, as they were big on partying and not serious about anything having to do with the real world. All they wanted to do was go out and drink, when Olivia was content to play Frisbee in the park or stay at home and watch a movie or play a board game. So there were plenty of nights where she and Leigh went their separate ways. But Olivia never lost any sleep over it. That is, unless she had to take care of Leigh when she had too much to drink.

Those nights brought back too many bad memories of lugging her mother into cold showers, trying to wake her up, trying to keep her from passing out on her stomach so that she wouldn't aspirate on her own vomit.

Those nights, she did lose sleep over. She resented Leigh for those nights, for dragging her back through that painful time in her life, a painful time that still wasn't over.

When she reached the place, she pressed the buzzer and waited for a response.

After a while, a disembodied voice came out through the speaker.

'Hello?'

'Hey, it's Olivia. Is Leigh up there?'

There was a pause.

And then, 'Yeah, come on up.'

She took the stairs two at a time, her training at the academy had done wonders for her cardiovascular system. And when she got to the third floor, she took a left and knocked on apartment door 3F. It opened after a couple of seconds and a tall highlighted blonde man stepped aside to let her in. His name was Chris, and he had two roommates, Dale and Molly. All three were filthy rich with no intentions to contribute anything worthwhile to society. They rubbed Olivia the wrong way.

The apartment was immaculate, beautifully designed with all the modern gadgets and appliances. It looked like IKEA stuff to Olivia but she figured it was much more high end than that. After saying hello to Chris, he pointed her towards the living room, and she walked through the hall, trying to ignore the certainly overpriced abstract artwork adorning the walls next to her.

Leigh was sitting on the white leather couch, eyes closed, a wet cloth on her forehead and a large bottle of water next to her feet on the floor. She looked miserable. Olivia walked over to the couch and sat down next to her.

'Leigh, what's wrong?'

Opening her eyes, Leigh looked sideways out of the corner of her eyes at Olivia and frowned. 'What are you doing here?'

Taken aback by her tone, Olivia was a little surprised. But she recovered quickly, conceding that she had sort of deceived her girlfriend by not asking if it was okay to invite Alex to her graduation.

'I've been worried about you. You didn't come back after last night.'

'Why would you worry about me? You don't care about me.' Her voice was thick, like she had been crying recently, and it made her Spanish accent stand out even more than usual.

'Of course I care about you. I couldn't sleep last night not knowing where you were. And all day during class I was afraid something bad had happened to you. Please tell me what's wrong.'

Leigh groaned and closed her eyes again. 'I have a hangover, Olivia. I drank too much las' night and now my head hurts.'

'Why didn't you come back to the apartment? It's not that far from the bar.'

'I didn't want to be there with you. I needed time away. How did you know I was here, anyway?'

Olivia hesitated. Leigh probably wouldn't be happy that she had visited the bar earlier to see what her girlfriend had been up to.

'I figured you would be with your friends, that they would let you stay here for the night. Or at least I hoped that's what happened.'

Finally, Leigh smiled. 'It was sweet of you to come looking for me. I thought you might never come.'

Olivia laughed softly. 'I am sort of living in your apartment. You'd have to come back sometime.'

'I'm still mad at you.'

Olivia made a pouty face and ran her hand along her girlfriend's thigh; her eyelids fluttered closed at the contact. Like they always did.

'I know. You have every right to be. I should have talked to you first. Let me make it up to you,' Olivia added with a devilish wink.

Leigh groaned unhappily. 'Oh I can't think about anything right now except my aching head. No sex for you, Olivia.' She stretched out the syllables of Olivia's name, comically enunciating each one.

'All right fine. But you could use some food. Now come on, let's grab some greasy hamburgers and go sleep it off.'

Leigh took a deep breath and nodded her head, lifting herself slowly off the couch, wincing at the pain and dizziness that accompanied the movement.

...

_**Alex**_

On the way to NYC, Alex subconsciously bit her lip as she drove.

She glanced briefly over at her snoozing passenger, flicking her eyes immediately back to the road. She had a lot on her mind today. And she was an organized kind of girl, so she did what any sane person would do. She made a list in her head.

First and foremost, Abbie had kissed her. Actually kissed her on the mouth. She hadn't kissed a female since Olivia and it was an experience that encompassed several conflicting emotions. But more on that later, she thought.

Second, she had worked up the nerve to call her mother and let her know that she would be coming home for the weekend and bringing a classmate with her. This was troublesome because now Abbie was no longer just her friend. They had crossed that line last night. What ever would her mother think? She cringed inwardly at the thought.

Third, Olivia had called. And while that was an exciting thing in and of itself, the timing of said call was what she couldn't decide upon. Was it good timing or bad timing? It had interrupted the rapidly escalating kiss between herself and Abbie.

Fourth, she was going to see Olivia this weekend. She shook her head slightly. Not just Olivia, she reminded herself. Olivia and her girlfriend. Wonderful.

She couldn't think of anything to place under number 5. So she went back over these things in her head and decided that number one deserved most of her attention right now.

It was a weird thing, not knowing exactly what a kiss meant. In the past, she had understood perfectly what her kisses meant. With her first girlfriend and also with Olivia, the kisses were an expression of love and affection and oftentimes desire. With the one-night-stand-boys, the kisses were a means to an end. A necessary part of the process. But the kiss with Abbie confused her.

Was it something more than misinterpreted, misconstrued comfort? She had only meant to comfort the brunette at first, but the kiss had awoken something lying dormant in her, something snoozing right below the surface.

She guessed it was sexual frustration.

Was she attracted to Abbie? Well sure, the girl was beautiful, her strong jaw and dark eyes reminded Alex of another brooding brunette. And she was smart, funny, quirky.

Gripping the steering wheel, Alex decided that she found Abbie attractive, definitely. But the fact that the kiss she shared with Abbie wasn't quite right spoke volumes.

Abbie wasn't Olivia. Simple as that.

But regardless of what the kiss meant, this was going to be an interesting weekend.

….

Alex pulled the car up to the curb and grinned widely when Jack, the doorman stepped out from under the awning of their building to open the passenger side door.

She hopped out, trotted around the front of the car, and gave him a huge hug.

She introduced him to Abbie and reached into the back to grab her duffel bag and garment bag. Abbie held the door for her and she brushed lightly past the brunette as she moved away from the car, Alex could feel her breath on her neck. The intimate touch sent a chill down her spine, and she glanced up at the taller girl briefly. Abbie's eyes were on the backseat now, though, it was as if the touch hadn't happened.

Jack accompanied them in the elevator and up to the Apartment. He said goodbye at the door and mentioned something about needing to get back down to the lobby.

Once Inside the apartment, Alex led Abbie around the front part, showing her the kitchen and the living room.

'You can leave your bag in my room,' Alex said, turning the knob to her bedroom and walking inside.

'Alexandra?' a voice called out for the hallway. 'Is that you dear?'

'Yes, mother. I'll be right out.'

Alex rolled her eyes at Abbie, and Abbie raised her eyebrows, eyes twinkling.

'So prim and proper!' Abbie whispered. 'Alexandra?'

Alex pushed her roughly against the wall and walked out the door.

'Shut your mouth Carmichael.' she said, grinning.

Abbie shook her head as the blonde left the room. 'Damn,' she said. And she followed behind Alex out into the hall.

'Hello, dear,' Virginia said, as she pulled Alex into her arms.

The hug was a bit stiff and a little awkward, but it was over quickly and Alex was relieved.

Abbie walked confidently towards Virginia and held her hand out.

'Hello Mrs. Cabot, I'm Abbie Carmichael.'

'Abbie,' Virginia said, smiling briefly. 'Nice to meet you. Alexandra told me a little about you over the phone. How are you enjoying Harvard?'

'Oh it's great,' Abbie said. 'It's always been my dream to study at the best law school in the nation.'

'That's wonderful. And you're from Texas, is that right?'

'Yes ma'am.' Abbie said, her manners as ingrained as Alex's.

'And what university did you attend there?'

Abbie eyes lit up at the mention of her home state and alma mater.

'University of Texas. I ran track, actually.'

Virginia smiled tightly and nodded her head. Alex knew firsthand what it felt like to receive that look. It was the look that said, you're wasting your time with athletics, focus on school. What you're doing is not important.

Alex glanced over at Abbie and caught the brief look of rejection pass over her face. She wiped it off quickly however as the conversation turned to what their plans were for dinner and the next couple of days. Mae had prepared chicken stir fry and rice earlier and left it warming in the oven for their dinner.

They ate in what was mostly silence, interspersed with random bits of conversation, mainly about law school and how the girls were liking it. Alex purposely avoided any mention of her father and how her mother was doing without him. It was still too painful to talk about.

'So do you girls have any big plans for tonight? Going to go out on the town?'

Alex smiled at her mother's attempt at engaging the two of them. She had hoped however, that the conversation wouldn't turn to this line of questioning. She hadn't told her mother the actual reason they were in New York. Mentioning Olivia in any context to her mother made her feel queasy with anxiety.

Although they were no longer together, she still held on to that fear that kept her from speaking of her best friend and lover, that fear that came from Virginia's strong disliking for the girl who had helped turn Alex away from the path laid out for her.

Alex knew now that no amount of prayer or therapy would 'fix' someone like herself. That she had been born the way she was, that she would blaze her own path, dammit, and although it had taken her around ten years, she had finally accepted and learned to love who she was. Admitting to her mother that she was gay had certainly helped to bring closure to what she saw as a fractured relationship. It was still fractured, certainly, because of Virginia's bigotry and homophobia, but at least now there were no lies between them. And now Alex felt like the healing could begin. If only Virginia would consider accepting her.

All of these hopes didn't change the fact that Alex still had qualms about talking to her mother about Olivia. But now it was time to come clean. No more lies, right?

'Actually, mother, we should probably head to bed early tonight. I thought we'd just pick out a movie for the evening. We have sort of a big day tomorrow.'

Virginia's eyebrows rose slowly in surprise as she set her fork down on her plate.

'A big day tomorrow? You didn't mention anything in particular that you had planned for this weekend.'

Alex hesitated. She glanced quickly over at Abbie who was dutifully staring at her plate, concentrating on cutting a hunk of chicken into tiny pieces.

_You're not with Olivia. You are supporting your friend at her graduation. Okay, good pep talk. Here goes. _

'Tomorrow is Olivia's graduation from the academy. She invited Abbie and me to come and watch.'

A silence stretched out between them.

'I see.' said Virginia, breaking eye contact with Alex and reaching down to grasp her glass and take a drink.

_I see?_ thought Alex. _That's it?_

'Yeah, it's at 11 in the morning and I don't want to be late, so we're just going to stay in tonight.'

Realizing she was rambling a bit now, she didn't know what else to do or say since she was only met with silence from her mother. She was scrambling. For what, she didn't know, but for some reason, it felt like she was asking permission to go hang out with Liv back in high school.

'I suppose I'll gather up these dishes and start cleaning up for the night then.'

Virginia said, starting to stand up and gather the plates.

'Wait, mother. What's wrong?'

She hadn't expected this conversation to go well. But she certainly hadn't expected her mother to just get up and leave. Silence seemed worse than yelling or arguing, somehow. She wanted to talk things out, makes things better between them, and that wasn't going to happen if they left each other in silence. Virginia carried the dishes to the sink.

'Nothing, I'm just going to head to bed.'

More silence. _Shit_, Alex thought.

'Mother, please don't go. Tell me what's the matter.'

With pursed lips and a hint of coldness in her eyes, Virginia turned away from the sink, letting the dishes slide down with a loud clank.

She looked pissed. Maybe talking wasn't such a good idea.

'Why didn't you stay with her then? Why did you come back to stay with me?'

It was Alex's turn to be surprised now. So her mother thought she was still with Olivia.

'Why didn't I stay with Olivia?' Alex asked, just to be sure.

'Yes. Why would you waste your time coming home? Just to flaunt yourself and what you are in front of me?'

Alex looked down at her hands, hurt that her mother wasn't making as much progress with acceptance as she was hoping. Abbie fidgeted next to her, obviously uncomfortable being present for the argument taking place between mother and daughter.

Alex reached under the table and squeezed her friend's thigh reassuringly, letting her know it was okay to stay.

Virginia's eyes were resting expectantly on her daughter. And when Alex spoke, it was with a quiet, but strong and steady voice.

'Olivia lives with her girlfriend, Leigh. I didn't feel comfortable asking to stay there, and I certainly wasn't invited to.'

Alex added that last with a slight shake of her head. When she looked up, her mother's expression was a mix of surprise and disdain and relief. If all those were possible to convey at once.

But now a darker look crossed Virginia's face as she looked back and forth between Alex and her new friend.

'Are you two together?'

The bluntness of the question caused a surge of emotions to run through Alex's veins. Any girl that she spent time with was now a target for her mother's suspicions. Alex felt defensive for her feelings about Abbie. She felt that she needed to defend Abbie's honor. However archaic that was.

Abbie hadn't done anything to deserve her mother's disdain. And neither had she, frankly.

Except for that kiss. Yes, that troublesome kiss.

Alex shook her head, ridding herself quickly of that thought, as she jumped to her own and Abbie's defense.

'No, we're not. We're friends, that's all.'

She heard a slow intake of a deep breath of air from beside her. Resisting the urge to look at her friend, she kept her eyes on her mother, watching her face.

'All right,' Virginia said slowly as fumbled with her hands. 'Alexandra, ..'

She broke off, unable to say what she wanted to.

But this was progress, surely. So Alex didn't mind that she was unable to finish her sentence, whatever it was. Her mother's body language was more relaxed, less guarded. This was definitely progress.

'I'm just going to head to bed now. Alexandra, there are extra blankets in the hall closet. You can set up the sofa bed for Abbie. I'll see you girls tomorrow, then?'

She met Alex's eyes briefly and when she saw her daughter nod, she turned and left the kitchen.

When she was gone, Alex stood up, gathered up the rest of the plates and glasses and loaded the dishwasher.

She heard Abbie's voice from beside her; turning to look, she saw that the brunette had walked around the counter to stand next to her. Her lanky body was leaning against the counter top, arms crossed.

'That was intense, Cabot. Like a circus.'

'Har har,' Alex mocked her friend's lame attempt at a joke, but she appreciated the gesture, as it was meant to lighten the mood.

'You are so funny.'

Alex dried her hands and turned to her friend.

'That actually went a lot better than I thought it would.'

Abbie's eyebrows rose comically.

'Really? I thought y'all were about to brawl right here in the kitchen, actually. And do I really have to stay on the sofa bed?'

Rolling her eyes, Alex motioned for Abbie to follow her as she led the way to her bedroom.

'Yes, you do.' Alex said as she unpacked a few of her clothes for the next couple of Days. 'It's a nice sofa bed. You'll be comfortable.'

Folding her arms across her chest again, Abbie pouted as she inclined her head towards Alex's queen sized bed.

'But yours looks much more comfortable. And the only reason you're making me stay on the couch is because your mama thinks I'm a flaming homosexual, just like you.'

Alex shot Abbie a look, blue eyes flashing, but she couldn't help smiling as her friend backed away hands out in surrender to the icy Cabot stare.

'She does not think that, Carmichael. She just . . . Wants you to have plenty of room.'

Abbie scoffed.

'Bullshit! She just wants you and me as far away from each other as possible. Is it the gravelly voice that gives me away?' Abbie asked with a cheeky grin, leaning in towards the blonde.

'No. Definitely not,' Alex said, reaching down and grabbing one of Abbie's hands, holding her at a safe distance.

'It's definitely your hands. Your hands are way too attractive to belong to a straight girl.'

Abbie was no longer laughing at the easy flirtation between the two of them. Alex's hand in contact with her own was enough to make the brunette pause. Her dark eyes glanced up to meet Alex's and Alex could read every emotion held in them.

She didn't mean for it to go that far. The flirtation came so easily that she hadn't realized Abbie was taking it seriously. Dropping Abbie's hand and averting her eyes, Alex grabbed her toiletries and clothes and walked towards the bathroom.

'I'll be out in just a sec, then it's all yours.'

Abbie stood there, watching her go.

...

Later that night, Alex was dreaming about the constitutionality of stem cell research, when her dream suddenly shifted to a tropical beach. The wind was blowing softly, the sun was beating down brightly, surrounding her with warmth and the smell of the sea, salty and sultry. She was on a beach towel, the waves were crashing softly against the sand, seagulls called out to her overhead. The sun's warmth caressed her, held her close and she was comforted by the touch of its soft kisses.

Wait.

The sun doesn't actually kiss. But it feels so real for a dream. The lips feel real. And I am so warm.

Alex realized, in her half-asleep state, that she was no longer alone in her bed. There was definitely a warm body pressed up against her back that she had confused with the sun's warmth.

The warm body behind her was not still, it was the culprit of the soft kisses, which were on her shoulder now. A hand was reaching up now to push her long blonde hair behind her ear.

The mouth was now on her neck, and she felt the response deep inside of her, in depths that no woman had touched in almost three years.

Another long-fingered hand was creeping its way over her hip and across her stomach, under her t-shirt and overheated skin, pulling their bodies closer together.

Alex was fully awake now, and faced with a dilemma. Stop this now before it went too far, because that's what her sensible side was telling her, that Abbie was her friend, and things wouldn't be the same between them ever again if she let this happen.

Or, throw caution to the wind, to hell with the consequences, she could let this happen, give in to the desire that was now coursing steadily through her body,

_What to do? _

The innocent mouth running along her neck was now not so innocent. A tongue joined in the ministrations, laving Alex's neck, causing her to squirm slightly.

Abbie knew Alex was awake now, and she turned the blonde in her arms so that Abbie was lying partially on the bed, and partially on top of her.

Abbie's hand, the very hand that Alex had joked about being attractive, was now at her jaw, turning her face so that they could look into each other's eyes. Abbie's hands really are attractive, thought Alex. She reached up and took one of the hands in her own, feeling it and studying it. Long fingers, well-kept nails, so strong and yet soft all at once.

Her eyes had adjusted to the dark of her bedroom now and she could just make out the brown in Abbie's eyes as they stared at each other, faces only inches apart.

She could feel the heat from the brunette's breath on her face and she could smell the faint hint of spearmint from the toothpaste in Alex's bathroom.

'What you said earlier . . .' Abbie started, her voice even more husky than usual at this late hour.

Alex moistened her lips without thinking, and nodded her head slightly.

'What about it?' she whispered back.

Abbie's eyes darted down to the blonde's mouth, not missing the tongue stroking slowly across perfect lips.

'I don't want to be just friends, Alex.' Abbie said, moving her head towards the blonde's, her movements slow and deliberate. 'I want you.'

Alex couldn't hold back the moan that had built up inside her. She dropped Abbie's hand and let her own grasp a handful of dark hair. And she closed the distance between them, mumbling as she went.

'Take me, then. I'm yours.'

Letting out a quiet scoff through her nose, Abbie whispered back.

'For tonight,' Abbie said, the bite of cynicism didn't slip past the blonde. But she ignored it, deciding to indeed throw caution to the wind, meeting Abbie's lips with her own, pressing them together, exploring and massaging, their mouths were wanting and needing and taking and giving all at once.

….

Alex woke up the next morning to sun streaming in her windows. She rolled over and felt her skin flush with strange pangs of guilt, remembering the events of the night, wishing momentarily that they hadn't happened. But it did happen. And now she would have to deal with the consequences. Surrounded in Abbie's scent, she looked around and wondered where her brunette friend was.

The other side of her bed was empty, so she threw back the covers and got out, stumbling slightly on her way to the bathroom. She needed to brush her teeth and make herself look somewhat presentable. Glancing in the mirror, she almost laughed aloud. And definitely do something about that sex hair.

The smell of freshly brewed coffee and toasting bread wafted into her nostrils as she left the bathroom and went towards the kitchen. She glanced at the sofa bed in the living room. The blankets were folded neatly and the couch was put back together. Not that anyone had actually slept on it.

Abbie was standing over the coffee pot, staring into space whilst stirring sugar into a mug. Alex flushed again when her eyes darted immediately to the brunette's hands. Those hands. God. Why did they have to feel so good on her skin?

'Morning,' Alex said as she walked into the kitchen. Abbie was already dressed in jeans and a white linen shirt.

'Good morning,' came the husky reply.

'Sleep well?'

'I did,' Alex answered. 'You?'

'Same here. Want some coffee? I made toast as well. '

'Sure, thanks,' Alex said, reaching out to take the proffered mug and small plate with buttered toast. Abbie's fingers brushed her own and her breath seemed to momentarily leave her lungs. 'You, uh. . . you ready to go?' Alex asked, eyes on the dark coffee, as she hunted around for sugar and milk, trying desperately to avoid the awkwardness of the current situation.

'Yeah, I am,' Abbie said. 'Is your mama not an early riser?'

'She used to be. But now she sleeps more than she used to. She'll appreciate the coffee though.'

Abbie nodded, but it looked to Alex like she wasn't really listening. When she glanced up, dark eyes met blue and Abbie shifted nervously from foot to foot, crossing her arms.

'So are we gonna talk about last night or are we gonna pretend like it didn't happen?'

Alex wasn't exactly surprised, she knew Abbie would want to know the status of their current relationship after what she had said and after everything that had happened last night.

'I don't know, Abbie,' she said, looking down again. 'My feelings are all mixed up right now.'

Giving a sad smile, Abbie took a sip of her coffee. 'Are you ever going to sort through them and figure out how you feel about me?'

Alex felt a brief panic flare up within her.

'I just don't think I'm ready. It's too soon for me to be having these kinds of feelings for you.'

Expression incredulous, Abbie set her mug down on the counter a little too emphatically. 'Alex, it's been like three years since you were with Olivia. It's about time to move on.'

It was rare that Alex Cabot didn't have a verbal response for someone, but right now she could only shake her head. And before she could come up with anything reasonable to say, she heard footsteps approaching from down the hall. A second later, her mother walked into the kitchen, already dressed and made up for the day.

'Good morning, girls.'

They both told Virginia good morning and busied themselves with drinking their coffee and eating their toast. Abbie offered Virginia a cup of coffee and she took it, saying thank you to the brunette. After a few exchanged pleasantries and questions about one another's upcoming days, Alex had had enough. Virginia told them she was leaving for the evening, that she would be gone overnight to visit cousins upstate. But Alex was done listening. She was itching to leave the apartment and get away from the awkwardness. It was awkward with Abbie and it was awkward with her mother. She couldn't breathe in here.

Looking down at her watch, Alex smiled up at her mother. 'Well, we better get going. Don't want to be late.'

Virginia smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. That seemed to be happening quite a bit lately, Alex thought. But who could blame the woman? Her husband died and her only daughter is gay. Her two worst nightmares, for sure. Before she could start tearing up at the sudden thought of her father, Alex managed to hold herself together as she listened to her mother speak.

'Be careful out there,' she said, drinking her coffee and looking between the two of them.

Alex let out a small laugh. Hoping her voice wouldn't crack, she spoke. 'Mother, we're going to be surrounded by present and future police officers. I think we'll be okay.'

'You're right, dear. Have a good day, then.

….

Abbie and Alex got off the subway near Madison Square Garden and were jostled around a bit before they made their way through throngs of people into the building. Having lived in the city through most of her teenage years, she had been to see a couple of Knicks games and had definitely gone to see a few of the New York Liberty's games. What kind of female athlete would she be if she didn't support her fellow females in her favorite sport? Abbie had never been to MSG, but she was excited to finally see it, even if they weren't going to watch a game. According to Abbie, sports in Texas were akin to religion. And Abbie was about as rabid of a fan of anything to do with sports teams from Texas as anyone Alex had ever met.

Once inside, Alex led the way through the lobby and around the concourse until the found a suitable area from which to see the floor and stage. Olivia would be seated alphabetically up with the B's so they tried to seat themselves accordingly. As she made her way down the steps, Alex thought she recognized the girl a few steps in front of her. The dark blonde girl turned to walk down the aisle of one of the rows and Alex definitely recognized her profile. It was Leigh. She looked disgustingly incredible in a black pencil skirt and low cut frilly purple top. Her hair was shoulder length and was a bit messy, but the look fit her.

Just then, as if she could feel Alex staring at her, Leigh turned and made eye contact with her. Alex didn't know what else to do, so she gave her a small wave and a smile, her mother's insistence upon perpetual politeness still a force of habit.

In return, Leigh gave a brief lift of her chin, acknowledging Alex's presence, without formally greeting her at all. She turned and sat in her seat, opening her program and burying her nose in it. Alex stiffened and let out a small, disbelieving scoff.

Behind her, Abbie saw the exchange and noticed the change in Alex's demeanor.

'Is that her?' she asked, grabbing hold of Alex's arm, pulling her into the nearest couple of seats, several rows back from Leigh.

'Yeah,' Alex said, rolling her eyes. 'What did I do to piss her off?'

It was Abbie's turn to scoff now, as she turned in her seat to face her friend.

'You're kidding, right?' when Alex shook her head no, Abbie continued,

'It's pretty obvious, Alex. She's jealous of you.'

Alex rolled her eyes. 'Jealous of me? She has no reason to be jealous of me. She's the one with the girlfriend.'

Abbie stared at Alex, secretly wishing she'd look over and meet her eyes, but she didn't. She kept glancing over at Leigh and then back down at the program in her hands.

'She's jealous of what you and Olivia had. Of what you still sort-of have, I guess.'

'But we're not together. There's nothing between us, and Olivia seems very happy with her. I don't understand.'

'I do,' Abbie said quietly. And now Alex did look at her, bright blue met dark brown, and she saw a fleeting flurry of emotion cross Abbie's face. 'I understand exactly how she feels.'

'Abbie, I. . . 'she started but her brunette friend cut her off.

'It's okay, Alex. You don't have to explain yourself to me. I get it. I understand. '

Alex knew what she meant. Knew exactly what she meant as a matter of fact. But she didn't want to admit the depth of her lingering feelings for Olivia to Abbie.

Who was she kidding though? Abbie already knew, Alex had spoken enough about her and about their relationship; any idiot could have recognized that Alex wasn't anywhere close to being over her ex. Even after their first kiss, even after the events of last night, Abbie had to have known deep down that she didn't stand a chance.

Still, Alex was stubborn and proud, she wasn't going to admit that she was still in love with Olivia, that she still thought of her every single day. She was going to try and get over her.

'Whatever. She needs to grow up and stop being so insecure'

'Okay, Cabot. When's this thing supposed to start, anyway?' Abbie asked, giving up on the argument and looking around, shifting in her seat, stretching her long legs out in front of her.

'It was supposed to be 11am, but I guess they're running a bit late.'

Just then, a deafening chorus of bagpipes started up from a group of people dressed in kilts down on the floor and the recruits for the New York Police Academy filed in, looking dapper in their black uniforms.

Forgetting all about Leigh, Alex's heart swelled with pride as she finally spotted Olivia in line, about to march out onto the floor. She looked so professional and serious, staring straight ahead.

The ceremony was long, but it was worth it, sitting through Mayor Giuliani's speech about the people of New York appreciating that officers such as themselves were willing to put their lives on the line every day. He spoke about past police officers who had given their lives to protect their fellow officers and perfect strangers, people they had never met. The fact that not everyone was cut out to be a police officer, to meet danger head on, to serve and protect, proved that these men and women were few and far between.

When it was over, and the recruits-turned-officers threw their hats into the air all at once, Alex felt chill bumps run all up and down her arms. It was breathtaking and so moving to see all these people's hard work culminate in a moment of pure happiness.

….

_**Olivia**_

She had to muscle her way through the crowd of people on the floor. Everyone had bombarded the graduates; families were crowded all around, posing for pictures left and right. Olivia felt a small pang of sadness that her mother wasn't here to see this. She wondered if Serena even knew what day it was. She felt like an orphan, abandoned by her only parent on one of the most important days of her life.

Finally, she broke through the largest part of the crowd and made her way up the stairs to the concourse, hoping Leigh would be up there somewhere waiting for her. Her mind also wandered to Alex, hoping she would be somewhere up there as well.

Leigh spotted Olivia just coming up off the stairs, and she hurried over to greet her girlfriend. Olivia looked around quickly at the mostly deserted concourse and she opened her arms. Leigh stepped into them and they shared a quick kiss and separated into a hug, and Leigh whispered into Olivia's ear.

'Congratulations, baby.'

Olivia pulled away, grinning from ear to ear.

'Thanks.'

'How do you feel?' Leigh asked, reaching her hand up and adjusting Olivia's nameplate, straightening it out.

'Amazing. Like I've accomplished something huge.'

'You have.'

Smiling at Leigh, Olivia caught movement from behind her girlfriend's head and her eyes glanced over to the bathroom. Alex had just come out of the restroom, with her dark-haired friend in tow. Olivia's initial feelings of happiness at seeing Alex were quickly overcome by confusion as she took in the sight before her. The tall brunette had briefly placed her hand on the small of Alex's back, guiding her past a group of people going the opposite direction. _Your hand does NOT go there,_ she found the strange, territorial thoughts parading around inside her mind before she could stop them. The thoughts hadn't been there when Alex had told her about her encounters with the different boys. But now. Now they were running wild for some reason. Olivia had to concentrate.

She looked back and forth between the two of them and took in their proximity to one another, and the intense gaze Abbie was subjecting the blonde to every now and then. She could sense then that something was going on between the two of them. Not to mention the fact that Abbie was tall and slim, athletically built with chiseled, dark features and a cocky grin. _Kinda like me._

Leigh turned around when she saw Olivia's eyes focused on someone behind them, and she stood to the side as Olivia greeted her ex.

'Hey, Alex,' Olivia said, wondering if she should go in for a hug or just stand back. Leigh was standing right there after all. But that hadn't stopped her from hugging Alex in the deli after she found out her father was dying, right in front of Leigh. What was so different about this?

She was lost in her thoughts and was surprised when Alex walked right up to her and wrapped her arms around Olivia, hugging her briefly. She let go quickly, _too quickly, _thought Olivia.

'Hey Liv,' Alex said, smiling as she stepped back and turned to Abbie. 'Olivia this is Abbie Carmichael.'

Abbie stepped forward confidently and shook her hand. Her grip was firm, but her hands were soft, a stark contrast to Olivia's now calloused palms. Handling dumbbells and barbells, crawling around on the ground, and shooting guns and rifles every day had taken a toll on her hands.

'Nice to meet you,' Olivia said, smiling even though she wanted to crush this girl's hand with her own.

'Likewise,' Abbie said, her voice low and raspy. It sounded a bit like a growl. Olivia couldn't help but notice the way Abbie was staring at her. It was a disdainful, contemptuous look. _Ah, _thought Olivia. _Jealousy. So Abbie knows about our past and she's jealous of what we had. But why the look? It's obvious they've been fucking. Doesn't she have what she wants?_

Olivia was torn out of her thoughts as she introduced Abbie to Leigh, and congratulations to Olivia were spread by everyone. The ceremony had lasted a good three hours, and everyone was starving. Olivia suggested they eat at one of the nearby restaurants and then all go out for a celebration later.

The meal was uneventful, besides a few castings of the stink-eye every now and then by Leigh at Alex and by Abbie at Olivia and by Olivia at Abbie. Olivia didn't miss any of these looks. _What a mess, _she thought. They talked about the Academy, mainly, and Olivia told them all about what her assignments would be as a beat cop. She would have to work her way up the ladder of respect, getting collars and bringing in the right people could go a long ways towards getting a rookie out of a bad neighborhood or off of a midnight shift.

It was around five o'clock by the time they finished their leisurely meal, and they made their way as a group to a nearby bar. Once inside, Leigh nursed a ginger ale, still feeling the effects of her hangover from the previous night, and Alex bought a round of beers for both Olivia and Abbie.

Olivia drank hers slowly, enjoying the taste and the carbonation as it burned slowly down her throat. She had to be careful, always, not to drink too much. But Alex and Abbie seemed to be having a grand old time, they were on their second beer now, laughing about some inside joke that had happened in class. Trying to ignore it, Olivia was pretty much unsuccessful at stopping her mind thinking about how much she missed making Alex laugh like that.

After a while, Abbie had to go to the bathroom, and she grabbed Alex's hand and pulled her along. Alex looked back at Olivia and shrugged her shoulders, rolled her eyes, and smiled in apology. When they were gone, Olivia ran her fingernails in light circles on Leigh's back.

'You've been quiet.'

Leigh turned her head towards Olivia and met her eyes. 'I don't fit in with these people, Olivia. You're all involved in the law and you're talking about the Constitution and freedom of speech, and I couldn't care less about these things.'

Olivia grabbed her hand and kissed the knuckles softly. 'You fit in perfectly. Whenever you're with me, you fit in perfectly.'

This didn't seem to make Leigh feel any better, however. She pulled her hand away. 'I don't like the way she looks at you. And you look at her the same way.'

Olivia frowned. She thought she had done a better job of stealing discreet glances at the blonde law student. But she hadn't noticed Alex looking at her. 'Who? Alex?'

Leigh rolled her eyes. 'No, the bartender,' she quipped sarcastically. 'Yes! Of course Alex!'

'I think you're seeing what you want to see. I don't have feelings for her. We're friends now.'

Looking down at her hands, Leigh shook her head. 'I don't know if that's possible Olivia. For two people who were in love like you two were, to have gone through everything you did, to just break up one day and be friends the next. . . '

Olivia smiled, knowing she was probably right but refusing to admit anything of the sort. 'You know me, I'm known for breaking the mold.'

'I don't trust you around her. I don't trust her at all. And I don't want you to spend time with her anymore.'

Now Olivia was irked. 'What reason have I ever given you to be suspicious of me? Have I ever cheated? No! I haven't. I've been nothing but faithful to you.'

Leigh shrugged, obviously not caring. 'It doesn't matter. I get a bad feeling from her, and I know that there are lingering feelings between you. I can feel it.'

'So you're giving me an ultimatum?' Olivia couldn't believe it. She was being forced to choose between her best friend and her girlfriend. Granted, her best friend was also her ex, but that was beside the point. Wasn't it?

'Yes, I am. I don't want you around her anymore. Let her be with that Abbie girl. They can make each other happy. You're mine and I want you all to myself.'

Olivia shook her head. 'I can't believe you're doing this, Leigh.'

And now Leigh was irked. Maybe a little more than irked, though, her face turned a little red and she stood up. She was pissed.

'You better believe it. You pick. Her or me. And keep in mind that you're living in MY apartment, sharing MY bed. That you've been with ME for almost three years now. All SHE ever did was leave you broken and shattered for me to pick up the pieces. I'm going home. '

With that, she grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair, threw a ten dollar bill on the counter and stomped towards the door.

Olivia watched her leave as she ran a hand through her hair and took a long pull from her beer. Out of her peripheral vision, she saw Abbie and Alex walking towards her. They hadn't been far away and had surely heard most of the altercation from across the scarcely populated bar. Alex tried to discreetly adjust her clothing, which looked a little bit more disheveled than when she had gone into the bathroom, but her beers were catching up with her, and she didn't succeed. Olivia's eyes wandered aimlessly to Alex's face and landed upon her lips which were redder than usual and looked as if they had been thoroughly and probably roughly kissed. There was an awkward silence as the two of them took sips from their beers.

The jealous pang that coursed through her again was bitten back by what she was about to have to tell Alex.

'Alex, can I speak with you please?'

Alex nodded and didn't look back at Abbie as she followed Olivia over to the other side of the bar where there was a secluded table. They sat down and Alex smiled tipsily at her.

'Why did Leigh go? We were having a good time, weren't we?'

Olivia smiled tightly. 'She wasn't.'

Alex's mouth formed an 'O' as she nodded her understanding. 'So what's up?'

Taking a deep breath, Olivia started talking.

…

_**Alex**_

Her brain was a little fuzzy, but she definitely did not like the tone of Olivia's voice right now. It was ominous and not celebratory at all. The girl had just graduated from the Police Academy for Pete's sake. Anyway, she thought back briefly to her tryst in the ladies restroom with Abbie. Abbie had used the bathroom, washed her hands and pushed Alex back against the cold tiled wall, kissing her roughly and groping her body with both hands. Alex hadn't protested. It felt good. Damn good, actually. But she broke it off before things got too out of control. When they left the restroom, Alex could clearly hear Leigh's raised voice over the noise of the bar. _Maybe they're breaking up, _she couldn't help thinking. She shook her head. _God, I'm fucked up. I just made out with Abbie, a girl who actually likes me, and now I'm hoping my ex has just broken up with her girlfriend on her graduation day so that I can pounce._

She brought herself back to the present to listen to what Olivia had to say. This must be important for her to have brought Alex to a secluded area of the bar.

'Leigh's mad at me,' Olivia started, glancing nervously down at her hands.

Alex laughed quietly. 'I could see that. Is that why she stormed out?'

Nodding, Olivia met Alex's eyes. A move she regretted instantly. Their connection was palpable.

'Maybe I shouldn't have invited you. Maybe it was a bad idea.'

Alex frowned now, the laughter gone out of her eyes. 'Why are you telling me this?'

Olivia looked down again as she told Alex that Leigh doesn't want her talking to Alex at all anymore.

'What? She can't do that, Liv. She can't tell you what to do.'

Olivia shrugged, 'Well, technically she can since she is my girlfriend. And I love her Alex.' This sent a stabbing pain right through Alex's heart. Hearing that the one you love is currently in love with someone else is a painful, hurtful thing.

Olivia went on, 'I love her, but she's jealous and insecure. It's frustrating, but I have to, Alex. Don't you understand? She's afraid that if you and I spend too much time together, that we'll fall in love again.'

_Please fall in love with me again. Please._ Alex couldn't stop the thoughts.

But Alex realized that now Olivia was pleading with her, trying desperately to get Alex to understand, to accept that their relationship didn't stand a chance. That Olivia was choosing Leigh over Alex's friendship. _That's even more fucked up than I am._ Alex thought bitterly.

'Yeah, I understand.' Alex said, her voice a flat monotone, as she looked down. 'I don't want to be the cause of your fights.'

_Yes, I do, _her insides screamed. _I want to be the reason you leave her. I want you to come back to me. I want you still. I fucking NEED you._ But the voice in her head stayed there, and she watched as the love of her life walked out of it. Again.

Abbie came over to sit with her once Olivia had gone. She brought another two beers and when she set them down, she reached over to hold Alex's hands in her own, letting the blonde speak when she was ready.

'She doesn't want to be friends anymore,' Alex said, still staring at the table between her outstretched arms. 'Leigh made her choose.'

She didn't have any more tears. Those were all cried out for her father. She just looked up at Abbie, her eyes filled with sadness.

'I was trying to convince myself to start getting over her. But being around her today didn't help at all.'

Abbie stood up and pulled Alex to her feet. She pulled the blonde into her arms and whispered close to her ear.

'Let me take you home. I'll help you forget about her.'

'Why do you want to be with me, Abbie? Surely it hurts you to see how much I still care for Olivia?' Alex was finally able to be truthful with herself and with Abbie.

Abbie shrugged and turned towards the door. 'I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.'

Alex allowed herself to be led out the door and towards the subway station.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N - I am supposed to be studying, you know. For two very important tests. But I missed all of you and your kind words so I'm back. And for all you Leigh-haters out there, I think you might like this chapter. ;) Oh, and a correction for the previous chapter: the police officer's uniforms are definitely blue, dark blue. Not black. Sorry about that. The only police I know much about are Texas State Troopers. ;)**

_**Olivia**_

A year later -

The television was on. On what channel, Olivia didn't know. She was staring off at the wall next to the TV, having not looked at it for probably the last ten minutes. Leigh was out at a party. While she had invited Olivia to come along, her invitation was more of an obligatory extension because Leigh knew that her girlfriend would refuse, would opt to sit at home and relax. But right now, Olivia wasn't thinking about Leigh.

She was thinking about Alex. Alex. Alex. Alex. Grimacing, Olivia ran a frustrated hand through her damp hair. The day shift today hadn't been bad; the most exciting thing to happen was that she had helped break up a fight on a sidewalk in Hell's Kitchen. That area was supposed to have been on its way up and out of the depraved slums that had always been spread throughout the city. Why there were bums fighting over an abandoned stoop there, she didn't know.

But now she was trying to relax. She was home at a decent hour, and her shower was nice and soothing. Leigh had even made them dinner, and it had been delicious: a Moroccan chicken and couscous dish. It turned out the dinner segued into Leigh's attempt at softening the deliverance of the news that she would be going out. Again. Olivia didn't mind. As long as Leigh didn't drink too much or get herself into trouble, or bring the party back to the apartment, it was no big deal. Because that was the last thing she needed, to be roused from much-needed sleep to a raging party right outside the bedroom door.

And now she should probably be immersed in the television show, whatever the hell it was, or maybe even thinking about Leigh, worrying about how she planned on getting home and who she was with. But she wasn't. She was thinking about Alex.

She felt a lot of things. One of the main things she felt was anger at herself over her decision about a year ago. A whole year had passed without speaking to Alex. And all it had taken was one last look over her shoulder at the blonde as she left the bar that night after her graduation. It was amazing to Olivia that so much time could pass so quickly. It seemed like yesterday that Alex had given her a hug up on the concourse of Madison Square Garden. And now it had been an entire year.

Before her graduation, Alex's father got sick in December. And it was then that they had run into each other at that deli near Alex's parents' apartment. Before that, it was around three years since they had seen each other. How was it that so much time always managed to pass between seeing her best friend, her ex-girlfriend, the former love of her life? It was mind-boggling.

And now that Olivia was good and angry at herself for her decision, her choice after Leigh's ultimatum, she went ahead and thought about all the other things she was feeling about Alex. Olivia missed her, that was for sure. But she was a little surprised that Alex hadn't tried to get into contact with her, one way or the other. She found that she was a bit angry at Alex as well. Communication was a two-way street after all, and Alex hadn't even attempted to call Olivia or send her a card or anything. _She must be happy with that girl she was with at my graduation_, Olivia thought. Thinking about the confident, lanky brunette sent more unpleasant emotions through Olivia's brain.

The Texan's interactions with Alex were comfortable and easy, and far too familiar. She knew they had slept together, she could see it in Abbie's eyes. Abbie had the bug. And Olivia knew far too well what that felt and looked like. The Alex Cabot bug was a kind of all-consuming parasite that was difficult to hide. She did take a small bit of comfort that Alex hadn't once returned the puppy-dog gaze back at Abbie. Olivia couldn't help but wonder about their relationship and whether things were serious between them now. A part of her wanted Alex to be happy and to find someone, but the other part was a jealous raging psycho bitch who still staked a claim to the girl.

_Woman_ _now, _Olivia corrected herself. They had come a long way since high school and their freshman year of college, both of them, albeit mostly separately. She now had a job. A job that she had always wanted, had always dreamed about. She was a police officer, well on her way up the ranks. A college degree and some street-smarts worked wonders. And Alex was finishing up her second year of law school. One more year and she would be out and about, doing who knows what, probably prosecuting huge cases and wiping the floor with any defense attorney stupid enough to get in her way. Whatever it was that Alex wanted to do, she would be ambitious and would want to climb to the very top of the ladder. The competitor in her would make sure of that.

The shrill ring of the telephone in the kitchen ripped Olivia from her trance-like state. Tearing her gaze away from the wall, she hopped over the coffee table and trotted over to pick up the receiver. Figuring it was Leigh, calling to say she'd be staying over at her friend's place for the night, she spoke into the mouthpiece.

'Hello?'

'Liv?' The voice sounded far away and a little crackly. Olivia thought it was Leigh, but she wasn't sure.

'Is that you, Leigh?'

'Yeah, it's me.' She paused, and Olivia heard her take a deep breath. 'Liv, I need some help.'

Olivia's heart immediately began to hammer and her brain flew at a million miles a minute, a hundred different scenarios of what kind of trouble Leigh could be in flashed through her head. Leigh's voice sounded slurred and cracked a little at the end of the sentence. She had definitely been drinking and had definitely been crying.

'What's wrong, Leigh? Where are you? What happened?' She was afraid her girlfriend had been seriously hurt or maybe she had gotten mixed up in a drug deal or something. Maybe she was a hostage.

'I'm in jail.' She broke into a sob then, and Olivia couldn't make out what else she was saying. _In jail! _Olivia thought. _Shit._

'Leigh, what happened?' Leigh was sobbing harder now, obviously incoherent and emotional. She couldn't answer.

'I'll be there in a few minutes.' Olivia hung up the phone and grabbed the essentials along with her badge and gun, strapped it in her concealed holster and locked the door behind her.

….. . . . . . . . . . .. .

At the local police station, her police station in fact, Olivia pushed open the front doors and nodded at the officer at the front desk. She made her way back to the holding cells where they normally kept the drunks so they could sleep it off.

Olivia walked around the corner and down the grimy, grey staircase that led to central booking and the holding cells. She took a deep breath. This was not where she wanted to be on her time off. She heard Leigh before she saw her, speaking rather loudly to the officers and slamming her hands on the walls from behind the steel bars.

'You fuckers! You better let me out of here! Right NOW'

Making eye contact with one of her fellow officers, Trent Daniels, she walked right up to him and inclined her head towards the cell containing her irate girlfriend.

'So what'd you get her for?' she asked, leaning against the desk where he was seated, typing away at something. Olivia saw on the screen that Leigh's mug shot and fingerprints had already been taken.

She had graduated with Daniels, had met him in the Academy and they had become friends to a degree. As much as anyone can under the stress of exams and physical training and drill sergeant-like guys yelling at you all the time. Olivia didn't tell everyone she knew that she was in a relationship with a woman; she liked to keep things close to the vest. Her past had taught her to watch her own back, to look out for herself, so she was careful about whom she let into her personal world. And besides that, she wasn't an idiot. Sure, she was out to her friends and to some of her coworkers, to Leigh's friends, to her mother even, if that counted since she was drunk and probably didn't remember Olivia breaking the news, but she knew the repercussions of being an openly gay cop at that point in time. Not everyone was as accepting as most of her friends, especially the macho guys on the force. It was better for them to have her back and not know, than to leave her stranded in a sticky situation because of who she went home to at night.

But Daniels was one of the few she trusted enough to talk to. His sister was gay and so they had something in common. She trusted him to keep things hush, and she was lucky that he was the cop who had arrested Leigh and not somebody else who didn't know about her personal life but soon would when she came to bail out the drunken girlfriend in the middle of the night.

Daniels shook his head, glancing over at the cell. 'Public intoxication. And if it were anybody else, we'd charge her with resisting arrest, too.'

Olivia ran a hand through her hair. 'Shit. That bad, huh? What was she doing? Where was she?'

He grimaced. 'She, uh. . . she walked out of Sullivan's bar down on 105th with a bottle of whisky. Hadn't paid for it. Bartender said she slipped behind the counter and snatched it when he wasn't lookin'. He charged her tab for it, but . . .'

'You can't have bottles like that open and on display on the street. Yeah,' Olivia finished for him, shuffling her feet. 'So, the resisting arrest?'

'She was pretty drunk at that point. Stumblin' around and cursin' at anything that moved. She just didn't want to be held down or touched at all really. And when we got her in the car, she threatened us.'

'Threatened you?' Olivia asked, surprised. 'She wouldn't hurt anybody.'

Daniels laughed. 'No, no. She told us that her cop girlfriend would come down to the station and kick our asses.'

Olivia clapped a hand over her eyes. 'Shit,' she said again.

'Yeah. I believed her. She made you sound pretty tough.'

'Whatever. So you gotta keep her in here for a few more hours or what?' Olivia asked.

'Normally, yeah, but since it's you and you're a cop. We think she'll be okay.'

'And no bail, right?'

'Not for a first-timer, nope.'

Olivia smiled apologetically at him and squeezed his arm. 'Thanks, Daniels. I really appreciate this.'

'No problem, Benson. You take care of her. She's a wild one.'

'No kidding.'

. . . . . . .

On the way back to Leigh's apartment, Olivia thought back to a couple months before when she told Leigh that she wanted to find an apartment for herself. Leigh had been pissed at first, because she initially thought that Olivia wanted to get away from her. She asked Olivia what was so terrible about her that made Olivia want to leave and have her own place. Olivia explained that it was the right move for her at that point, that she needed a place closer to the station, and she had saved up enough money for a down payment and to start paying her own rent. When Leigh assured her that she didn't need to spend her own money, that she should save it and keep living at her apartment rent free, Olivia became irritated.

That was one of the main reasons, Olivia had explained to her. She wanted to help out with rent, to do her part to pay for the apartment or utilities or taxes or anything! But Leigh never let her. She was constantly pulling out her father's credit card, shrugging off Olivia's insistence to pay for some things. Leigh insisted that it was no big deal. But to Olivia, it didn't feel right. She hadn't earned it, and so she didn't like it. So she wanted a place for herself that she could pay for with her own hard-earned money. While this announcement of Olivia's intention to begin apartment hunting sparked a slew of fights and arguments between them, Olivia knew it was for the best.

And right now, several months later, she sort of wished that she could go to her new, empty apartment, and sleep on the floor. Anywhere but here. With her drunk girlfriend who smelled of whiskey and cigarettes. Like her mother.

But she had had enough of this. Too many nights Leigh had gone out drinking and come home plastered and hardly knew who Olivia was. Too many nights, Olivia had no idea where she was, and wouldn't hear from her until late the next evening. So this was the final straw. She no longer put up with her alcoholic mother, and she wouldn't be putting up with her soon-to-be alcoholic girlfriend any longer.

Back at Leigh's apartment, Olivia unlocked the door and stood back as her girlfriend stumbled inside. She had almost fallen asleep on Olivia's shoulder on the way home; she hadn't said a word since Daniels had opened up the cell door and she stepped into Olivia's arms for a brief hug. Now that she was in the apartment, she bumped around a bit on the walls until she found the bedroom and collapsed on top of the sheets.

Olivia wasn't about to sleep anywhere near her that night. The whiskey and cigarette and jail smells were overpowering, so she made up her bed on the couch.

.. . . .

The next morning, Olivia awoke to sounds of the shower running. She got up, folded the blankets and put them away in the hall closet, and went to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. God knew Leigh would need it this morning. She thought about making some breakfast to help settle Leigh's surely nauseated stomach, but dismissed the thought. She didn't feel particularly like being very nice this morning.

When Leigh came out of the bedroom, clean and in fresh clothes, smelling much better, she sniffed hopefully at the air and smiled weakly at Olivia, who was seated on the couch, flipping through a magazine. Olivia looked up at Leigh, but didn't return the smile. She held up the cup of coffee she had made for Leigh and gestured for her to come over and sit on the couch.

'Liv, I'm so sorry about last night. Thank you for getting me out of that awful place.'

'You're welcome,' Olivia said. She took a sip of her coffee and then set the cup down on the side table. 'I wouldn't want you to spend the whole night in that place. You're not a criminal.'

'It was horrible, Liv. The handcuffs and the people that were in that cell with me. How do you do that every day?'

Olivia just shrugged as she stared down at her hands. She wasn't nervous and she didn't feel bad. She was just sick and tired.

'Look Leigh, we need to talk.'

The look that passed over Leigh's face was not a pleasant one. It was a mix of something like fear and sea-sickness.

'No, Liv. Don't.'

But Olivia was not going to be talked out of it. 'Yes. I'm tired of this. Of the drinking and the partying and the staying out late. We're hardly ever together, we never go on dates, and I'm tired of it.'

'We can fix all those things, baby. We can start spending more time together, and I won't go out as much.'

_As much_, thought Olivia. _Ha._ 'No, I don't think we can fix those things. We don't even have anything in common anymore. You come from this extravagant background and I'm blue collar and I work late and I'm passionate about my job.'

'Are you putting me down because I don't have a job? Because I'm not _passionate_ about anything?'

Now Leigh was getting defensive, just like Olivia knew she would. 'No, I'm talking about myself. What I'm saying is that I don't want to put up with everything anymore. You never let me pay for anything. I feel like a bum using you for your money and I hate that.'

'You don't need to pay for anything! I have plenty of money for the both of us.' Leigh had tears in her eyes now.

'I don't want your money, Leigh. I want to make my own money and earn my way through life. I don't want to be dependent on someone else.'

'Liv, don't say that. I love you and I want to share everything of mine with you.'

'No, Leigh. You love the idea of me. You like having a cop girlfriend. You like to brag about me and you like the power that I have. My gun and my handcuffs.'

'Bullshit Olivia.' Leigh said, standing up now and pacing around the living room. But she didn't argue that last point any further. She knew it was true. So she turned the argument back on Olivia. 'So this is why you got that apartment. You were planning on leaving months ago, weren't you?'

Olivia scratched her eyebrow and then ran a hand through her hair. 'No, I told you then why I got the apartment. That hasn't changed. Everything the last few months has just gotten worse and worse and I can't take it anymore. So now I'm done.'

Olivia stood up and started to gather up a few of her things from around the apartment. She felt a pair of hands twirl her around then and pin her against the wall next to the television. Leigh had her pressed up against the hard wall with both her hands held firmly at her sides. Olivia knew she could overpower the girl, but she restrained herself. She didn't want this to get physical. Leigh let go of one of her hands, reached up, and grabbed Olivia's jaw roughly.

Leigh's flashing hazel eyes bore into her own, and she could see the vein in Leigh's throat bulging and pulsing. Without warning, she pressed her lips against Olivia's, kissing her almost violently, invading her mouth and pressing her body against Olivia's.

It was all Olivia could do not to throw her to the ground. She turned her head quickly and broke the kiss, and she stared without speaking, eyebrows knitted together questioningly, at Leigh.

'Don't tell me you don't feel what we have together, Liv. You can't deny what you feel, what you taste when I kiss you.'

Olivia wrenched her arms away and placed her hands on Leigh's shoulders. She pushed gently and Leigh stepped back. As she retreated towards the bedroom to grab some more of her things, she said, 'All I can taste is the whiskey from last night, and it sickens me.'

And that was all it took to really set Leigh off.

'You're really going to leave me?' She screamed at Olivia now, who was bending down, gathering her things into a spare laundry basket.

'And who is going to love you, Olivia? Who will love you like I did? With your past and all your problems. You think _Alex_ will?'

Leigh spat out the name, knocking over lamps and kicking things around on the floor as she followed Olivia around.

Olivia tried not to flinch at Alex's name and the fact that Leigh had brought up her past, but she couldn't help it. She glanced up at Leigh and gave her an exasperated look.

'Don't look at me like that. I know you've always had feelings for her. But she's the one who broke your heart in the first place, remember? I put you back together and loved you. No one will love you like I have. No one!'

She was on a tirade, and every one of her words hit home. Olivia closed the door behind her and didn't look back.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

_**Alex**_

She wasn't worried about her grades. She was Alex Cabot, after all. No, she just wanted to make sure she was on the right track. Her aspirations were high and her ambitions were giving her a reputation around campus. Ruthless about her beliefs in the Constitution and exhaustingly adamant about her desire to learn every single thing she could about it and every court case there was. This reputation left her with few friends. Abbie Carmichael was one of those friends. She put up with the insufferable Alex Cabot, God knows why, but Alex enjoyed her friendship. And she enjoyed the benefits that came along with that friendship.

Abbie caught up with her as she was leaving one of their professor's offices.

'What in the hell are you still doing at school? I've been lookin' all over for you.'

But Alex only shook her head, staring down at her notes and calendar.

'I met with Professor Moredock about our Constitutional Law exam, just to make sure everything was in order.'

'Seriously, Cabot?'

Alex looked up then and smiled, shrugged her shoulders. 'I can't help myself.'

'Yes, I know. You're incorrigible.'

Alex laughed and crammed her notebook back into her backpack. 'I'm surprised you even know what that means, Carmichael. You're pretty incorrigible yourself.'

Abbie smirked cockily and hitched her bag up higher on her shoulders. 'Why we don't we go back to my place and I can show you how incorrigible I can be. . .'

Alex rolled her eyes, Abbie was always making suggestions like this, and while they slept together on occasion, Alex tried not to make a big deal out of it. She wanted them to be just friends. But Abbie wanted more. So she did what any good lawyer would do. She compromised. And besides, the sex wasn't bad.

'I don't think so. Isn't there supposed to be a big party tonight?' Abbie's face fell momentarily, but she recovered at the mention of the party and perked right back up.

'Yeah, over at some third year's house. It supposed to be the party of a lifetime.'

'Sure it is. Until the cops show up with a noise complaint.' Snorting, Abbie nudged Alex with her shoulder.

'Don't be such a downer. Well, I guess I'll catch ya later then. Want to drink a little before we go over there?'

_Compromise, Cabot_, she told herself. 'Sure, I'll come over to yours at 7:30 or so and bring beer.'

'I always knew I liked you,' Abbie called out as she walked the opposite direction.

….

Later that evening, Alex knocked on the door to Abbie's apartment, dressed to kill and holding a six pack of Stella. Abbie would appreciate the fancy-schmancy beer. She wore a loose fitting, low cut black tank top and light blue jeans that were frayed a bit. Her hair was down and towel-dried because she wasn't trying to impress anyone. She just wanted to relax and have a few drinks tonight, let off some of the tension that had built up before finals.

After a few moments, Abbie opened the door, looked Alex up and down and smiled appreciatively. 'Damn, Cabot. Lookin' good,' she said as she stepped aside and let Alex in.

'Thanks,' Alex said as she set the beers down on Abbie's countertop and took one out of the cardboard container. She popped the top off and settled into the couch. Abbie looked over her shoulder as she made her way back towards her bedroom and told Alex that she'd be out in just a minute.

Alex took a sip of the cold beer, and relaxed into the soft leather couch. Abbie returned after a little while, grabbed a beer, and took a seat next to her on the couch.

'So what did ole Moredock have to say?'

Alex grinned and shook her head, knowing that Abbie was making fun of her for going to see her professors, but she replied anyway. 'Oh, he told me I was doing well, but that I needed to clean up my arguments a little bit. He also gave me some great advice, I thought,'

Abbie took a swig of her beer and raised an eyebrow. 'Oh yeah? And what was that?'

'He said I needed to look at the Constitution in a different light. That I should reevaluate what exactly I think about it. And he was totally right. Look, if you think back, so many cases in the past could have gone differently, and our laws today could be drastically different. It all depended on how that judge interpreted the Constitution at that particular point in time.'

Abbie frowned. And took another drink. 'Cabot, my brain is fried right now. I don't want to think about that. I'm sorry I even asked.'

Alex laughed. At both Abbie and herself for getting so excited about Moredock's advice.

'So have you lined up an internship yet?' Frowning yet again, Abbie nodded. 'Yeah, I'm goin' back to Texas for the summer. Landed me an internship with the state representative in Austin.'

'That's exciting!' Alex exclaimed. 'What will you be doing?'

'Eh, I guess so. It's a legislative internship at the Capitol. Which I'm not all that interested in, but it's close to home so I'll be staying with my folks for the summer. Savin' money and all that.'

Alex pulled a face. 'Legislative, huh? That does sound pretty bad.'

'Yeah, apparently I'll be participating in extensive bill tracking and bill analysis on that particular representative's pertinent current legislation.'

'No thanks.'

'No kidding,' said Abbie. 'What about you? I'm sure yours is incredible, what with your connections and all.'

'Hey,' Alex said indignantly. 'I'll have you know that I got this internship completely on my own. No help from the family at all.'

Abbie snorted sarcastically into her beer. 'Sure, sure. All you had to do is mention the name 'Cabot' and you're in.'

Ignoring her and sticking her chin up in the air, Alex tried to fight off her smile. 'I'm working around this area, actually. With the Suffolk County DA. I'll be researching and helping with prep work for different cases. Mainly though, I get to be around the courthouse and watch criminal trials. If I'm good enough, I'll move up to the Appellate Unit where I get the opportunity to argue in court.'

Letting out a whistle, Abbie nodded appreciatively. 'You're gonna be such a shark, Cabot, I swear.'

'We'll see about that,' Alex said, even though she knew she'd be successful, one way or the other. Abbie got up then to grab them both another beer. And when she got back, instead of sitting down on the couch again, she set both the beers down on the coffee table and got on her knees in front of Alex, in between her thighs. She had that predator's look in her eyes and Alex knew immediately what her intentions were.

'I think we have enough time before the party for a little bit of fun, don't you?' And without waiting for an answer, Abbie leaned in and kissed her. It felt nice. It always did, but Alex wasn't really in the mood. Abbie's hands were on Alex's jean-clad legs now, and her tongue was asking for entry in Alex's mouth. But Alex pulled back and placed her hands on top of Abbie's.

'I think we should head to the party.'

Abbie stared at her, dark eyes betraying her emotions. She patted Alex's legs and stood up, nodding.

'Whatever you want,' she said, but her voice had lost its playful tone.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . …

Later, at the third-year's house, the party was in full swing. Most everyone there was pretty drunk, or well on their way. The music was loud and there was some provocative dancing going on in the living room, where someone had turned off the lights and people were taking full advantage of the privacy of the darkness. Alex was outside in the back talking to a couple of her fellow classmates. She had had several beers and was feeling quite tipsy, so the conversation was flowing easily and she was enjoying herself. Suddenly, a tangle of bodies stumbled past her and splashed into the pool that she and her classmates were standing next to.

The girl that had been unceremoniously thrown into the pool let out a shriek when she surfaced and she started smacking the guy with her. Apparently, he thought it was funnier than she did. It was quickly escalating to that kind of a party.

Alex made her way back in the house to find more beer, and she passed by the living room on her way. She caught Abbie's eye. The brunette looked at her for a second and glanced back down; she was standing in a corner, surrounded mostly by gyrating bodies. But she was still, and she was speaking to some girl in a tight shirt with plenty of cleavage showing. Alex kept walking and found more beer in the fridge.

She popped the top off her fourth or fifth beer, she wasn't sure. And she made her way back outside. On her way, she felt eyes on her back and she looked back where Abbie had been standing. Except she was no longer just standing. Now she and the girl with lots of cleavage were dancing together, Abbie's hands were running seductively along the girls' back and arms. But Abbie's eyes were glued to Alex's.

Alex didn't know what Abbie wanted her to do. Was she looking for a fight? _Does she want me to be jealous?_ Running through her feelings at that moment, Alex found that she wasn't jealous at all. She wanted Abbie to find someone else and to be happy. So she turned and went back outside.

After around twenty minutes of standing around, having had quite a bit of beer, Alex had to use the bathroom. So she went back inside and searched around the house. The one in the hall was occupied, but she figured there would be at least one bathroom in one of the bedrooms. At the end of the hall, she opened the door to a large, empty bedroom that she guessed was the master. Sure enough, there was a closed door in the corner of the room. _That's gotta be the bathroom_, she thought. She tripped over some clothes on the floor, but recovered her footing before she hit the ground. At the door, she didn't hear anything from inside, so she opened the door. And froze.

Abbie was in there. With the girl with lots of cleavage. Abbie had her backed up against the sink, her jeans were open and Abbie's hand was pushed down the front of them, her forearm muscles flexing rhythmically. Abbie's shirt was pushed up at the front and cleavage girl had both hands on her breasts, pulling at her nipples. Cleavage girl's eyes were closed, her mouth was open and she looked perilously close to falling over the edge. Abbie could see Alex in the mirror, her eyes were wide-open and they were locked on Alex's, who was standing dumbly in the doorway, watching the scene unfold. She finally came back to reality and found some words.

'I . . I'm sorry.' She didn't know what else to say. Or do. So she closed the door quickly and left the room.

The hall bathroom had been vacated finally, so Alex went inside and used the toilet. She didn't know what to think. Abbie was definitely doing all this on purpose. She wanted to make Alex jealous, wanted to make her see what she was missing. She was acting a bit desperate.

'Fuck,' Alex said to no one in particular. Her voice echoed in the tiled bathroom as she looked at her reflection in the mirror.

In her reflection, she saw a girl who needed to sort some things out. It wasn't fair to Abbie to string her along like she did. Abbie deserved much better than that. She was a good person, a person with very real feelings. And Alex had behaved like a child. She didn't get what she wanted initially with Olivia, and so she settled for a half-hearted fling with the person who had been by her side for two years now in law school. She had used her to fill a lonely chasm and had definitely used her for sex. It was wrong, and Alex knew it. Her lingering feelings for Olivia were the main reason she couldn't fully commit to Abbie. And although Abbie knew all about their relationship and about how Alex still felt after all this time, she was still willing to put up with her, to ignore all that just to be with Alex.

Alex shook her head, mad at herself for what she'd done. She thought she deserved what Abbie was doing tonight, deserved to be humiliated. What she couldn't understand though was why it had taken Abbie so long to figure out that she had never really wanted to be with her. From the beginning of their friendship, Alex's heart belonged to someone else, and things hadn't changed. Maybe Abbie just held out hope; _those damn Texans and their optimism_. Maybe Abbie thought she could change Alex's mind, thought she could win her over somehow.

But it wasn't going to happen. Alex was lost. Hopelessly lost in everything that was Olivia.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Her apartment wasn't too far away to walk, and she had too much to drink, so she planned on leaving her car there and coming to get it the next day. After a few blocks, she was finally at her apartment. She let herself in and collapsed on the couch. The scene she witnessed in the master bathroom at the party had sobered her up considerably. She had thought enough about Abbie. She figured the way things had played out tonight, whatever fling she and Abbie had had was now definitely over.

Alex needed to sort out her feelings for Olivia if she ever wanted some semblance of a normal life. She needed to either get over her, which hadn't worked in the past, or she needed to do something about her feelings. The only problem with that was that Olivia was in a relationship. She was happy with Leigh. Happy with the girl who didn't trust Olivia being anywhere near her. And Alex was still mad about _that _situation. She was furious, still, at Olivia for choosing Leigh over her. _Over her friendship_, she corrected herself. That's all Olivia wanted. Just friendship.

_That's all I should want too_. _She has a girlfriend and she is happy with her. With her. With Leigh, that self-righteous bitch._ _Why did Leigh have to be so immature about it all? _She and Olivia could be friends. They didn't have to be cut out of each other's lives completely.

But the more Alex thought about it, the more she disagreed with herself. Just being around Olivia drove her crazy. Her dark eyes were full of mysteries, and she found herself drowning in them. Besides that, Alex was never able to stop herself from glancing repeatedly down at those full lips, those lips that had given her so much love and affection and pleasure. And she couldn't resist wanting Olivia's beautiful, strong hands on her body, what person in their right mind wouldn't?

_Ugh!_ She thought, burying her head in her hands. _This thought process is not going the right way._ _I need to fix this, not make it worse._

But honestly, being so far away and not having contact over the past year really was helping a little. She found that she didn't ache as badly for it to be Olivia's arms wrapped around her when she woke up. And all the while that she was trying so desperately to get over Olivia, she had been using Abbie to do that. And it was a vicious cycle. She couldn't help the comparisons that ran through her brain. But that cycle was over now. Abbie was officially through with her and she no longer had anyone to compare Olivia to. So maybe she just needed to stay away from Olivia for as long as possible, maybe her feelings would fade with time.

… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N – Still supposed to be studying. One test down, one to go. Enjoy the products of my procrastination.**

_**Olivia**_

The air was cool, the sky threatened rain; it was a typical fall day in New York City. Olivia pushed open the double doors of the 31st precinct. The guard at the desk smiled and nodded at her as she walked past him. She liked it here. There were good people here. They were tough, hardened by years of dealing with criminals and their unfathomable crimes. But at the same time, they managed to put a smile on, to laugh about things if they could, to rib each other every chance they got. That was often the only way to get by in a job like this.

Upstairs, she sat down at her desk, her ancient chair creaking a bit, taking hold of her coffee cup and taking a small sip. It was good and hot, a sugar packet and a little bit of creamer to make it almost perfect. The quality of the coffee wasn't exactly helping, but still, it was caffeine, and she needed it. Her work so far at the Domestic Violence division of the NYPD had been stressful. She had passed her physical test and her medical test. And then there was a written exam for which she had studied her ass off. On top of all that, she had to go through a psychological exam to make sure she wasn't crazy. And after that, after the interviews and the studying and the sweat and the tears and the frustration, staying up all night getting ready for all of this, she had finally made it. She was a detective.

After all that she had been through, she finally had achieved her goal, her dream. For the longest time, it had been one of the most important things to her, to get through the academy and eventually become a detective. So here she was, at her own desk, in an actual building, wearing her own clothes instead of a uniform, with a detective's badge latched onto her belt. It was an incredible feeling, even after about six months on the job. She still had another year to go on her probationary period before she could be granted a true position in an investigative unit.

Sergeant Karen Smythe walked up to her desk; she had her own cup of coffee in her hands and she leaned up against Olivia's desk, smiling down at her. She was a beautiful woman with dark skin and deep brown eyes who looked good in her uniform. And that coupled with her friendly smile always seemed to put Olivia at ease.

'Good morning, Benson. Ready for today?'

Olivia smiled back up at Sergeant Smythe, it was hard for her to contain her excitement about working, even if it was dealing with domestic violence cases, which were usually ugly and filled with all-kinds of drama. This job was everything to her. And Smythe was her mentor, showing her the ins and outs of being a detective. It wasn't easy for women, still. Having another woman show her the ropes, show her how to play the game so that she could hang with the boys, was invaluable.

'Born ready, Sergeant. What do we have today?'

'Down in Sugar Hill, we got another husband and wife dispute. Wife called, this is the second time this month.'

'What happened the first time?' Olivia asked as she picked her jacket up off the back of her chair and slung it around her shoulders.

'Officers responded to the call, but when they got there, the wife looked a little roughed up but didn't want to press charges or have her husband escorted out. Seems like they worked everything out before we got there.'

'And this time is different?'

Smythe nodded as she led Olivia down the hall towards the stairs. 'Yeah, this time is different. They beat each other up, but it seems like this time he got the worst of it. Dispatch said she sounded pretty upset on the phone, that her husband was unconscious on the floor.'

Olivia scoffed, 'She must've kicked his ass!'

Opening the door to the grey sedan, Smythe slid into the driver's seat, 'When I responded to the last call, wife looked pretty pissed off, but I could see the fear in her eyes, too. She's scared of him.'

'So she finally had enough and she took him out.'

'Looks like it,' Smythe said as they pulled away from the station.

…

Dawn Vetsch called in the domestic violence complaint on her husband, Thomas, about thirty minutes before Olivia and Sergeant Smythe stepped inside the open front door. There were already uniformed police officers standing outside the house, waiting for the detectives to get there. One of the officers debriefed them quickly on what had happened before they arrived. There wasn't much more to add to the story they originally had. Dawn and Thomas got into an argument and when it turned physical, Dawn grabbed her nephew's baseball bat and hit Thomas repeatedly until he passed out. Thomas was on his way to the hospital where he was being treated for a concussion and possible internal bleeding.

Olivia nodded and started to step further into the house so that she could talk personally with Dawn. The police officer stopped her, putting his hand on her arm. 'Oh and Detective, Dawn said she was afraid for her two-year-old's life, that's why she kept beating him with the bat. I haven't seen either of the kids though.'

'Two-year-old?' Olivia asked. She pulled out her notepad and jotted it down. 'Didn't realize she had any kids here besides the nephew.'

The officer nodded. 'Yeah, she said the nephew's been staying here for a few weeks after his dad kicked him out of the house.'

Olivia looked up at him. 'Do we know why his dad kicked him out?' And when the officer shook his head no, she and Smythe thanked him and went inside the house.

Dawn Vetsch was sitting at the kitchen table with her head resting on one hand, an ice pack pressed to a quickly progressing black eye with the other hand. She looked up at them and lowered the ice pack as they entered.

'You two the Detectives they been telling me were supposed to show up?'

Olivia nodded and she sat down at the kitchen table across from Dawn while Smythe elected to stand, leaning against the stove behind Olivia.

'I'm Detective Benson, and this is Sergeant Smythe. We're with Domestic Violence.'

'Yeah, yeah,' Dawn said irritably. 'I already talked to the police officers. I gotta talk to you too?'

'Yes ma'am,' Smythe said politely. 'It is standard procedure for the Detectives who will be working your case to take your statement and find out if there were any witnesses who saw what happened.'

Dawn sighed, obviously fed up with all of this, as she returned the ice pack to her swollen eye. 'Yeah, well, let's make it quick. I got kids to feed.'

'Mrs. Vetsche, how many children do you have living with you here?' Olivia asked, taking out her notepad again.

She gestured behind her towards what looked to be the bedrooms. 'I got my two-year-old daughter, Kristin, and my nephew Bobby, who's supposed to be watching her right now. But he left a few hours ago. God knows where the little twerp is. I sure don't, I've been fighting with that bastard husband of mine. '

'And how old is your nephew?' Smythe asked.

'He's fifteen. At that age, you know?' Dawn said, rolling her eyes.

'Okay, Mrs. Vetsche, can you walk us through what happened?' Dawn sighed again, frustrated that she had to tell her story more than once. But she cooperated, and proceeded to tell the Detectives about the argument she and her husband got into over day care expenses for Kristin and where the money for groceries was being spent. They soon found out that both Mr. and Mrs. Vetsche were guilty of spending their money unwisely. Thomas enjoyed the pony races and Dawn couldn't live without her scratch-off lottery tickets. Today had been a big spending day for Thomas, and Dawn was pissed when he failed to come home with the week's groceries. They got into a shouting match, which turned into a shoving match, which turned into a punch in the eye for Dawn. She fell against the wall where Bobby's aluminum baseball bat was leaning up in the corner, so she grabbed it and blind-sided her husband. Right in the head. She hit him several more times around the torso for good measure until he was good and unconscious. That's when she called the police to turn him in.

'So this is self-defense, right?' Dawn asked. Olivia glanced back quickly at Sergeant Smythe who gave an almost imperceptible nod.

'Yes, Mrs. Vetsche, it looks like your story is going to check out. We'll get Mr. Vetsche's statement, take him into custody when he gets out of the hospital and we'll see what a judge has to say. Would you like to put a restraining order on your husband?'

A brief flash of fear passed over her face as she realized that her husband could be out on bail and back in her life within a few days. She nodded her head vigorously and immediately grabbed her head, regretting the quick movement.

'Mrs. Vetsche, where was your daughter during the altercation?' Olivia asked, glancing past her towards the back bedrooms.

'She was in her room, taking a nap, I think. She's been very quiet lately. I guess she doesn't like it when her mommy and daddy fight.'

'Would you mind if we spoke to her?'

'Sure. I'll go get her.'

She disappeared down the hall and into one of the bedrooms. Gone for only a few moments, Olivia jumped about a foot in the air when she heard the blood-curdling scream from the dark hallway. Sergeant Smythe was hallway across the living room before Olivia could untangle herself from her chair. But she was soon right behind her mentor as they followed the cries into the bedroom on the left.

Dawn was frozen over her daughter's bed, her hand covering her mouth, eyes wide. The little girl was awake and moving around, but there was blood all over her tiny bed. Her thighs had dried blood that had dripped down on the pale yellow sheets. Olivia thought she was going to be sick.

…..

Back at the station later that day, their main suspect, Bobby the nephew, was nowhere to be found, so Olivia sat down at her desk and put her head in her hands. This was too much. _I can't do this,_ she thought as her emotions got the best of her. _How can anyone deal with this?_ She felt a gentle hand on her back and looked up at Smythe, drying her eyes on her sleeve as she did. Smythe motioned for Olivia to follow her, and she stood up, pushed her chair in a walked after the Sergeant towards one of the interview rooms.

Smythe shut the door and Olivia sat down in one of the wobbly chairs.

'It's always the kids that gets people,' Smythe said, her voice sympathetic. 'That was the hardest part for me too.'

Olivia shook her head and struggled to make eye contact with her mentor. 'I think I need to transfer, Sergeant. I don't think I can this.'

Smythe pulled out a chair and set it down directly in front of Olivia. She grabbed Olivia's hands and looked her right in the eye. 'Olivia, the way you dealt with that distraught mother today. . . I've never seen anything like it from someone so new to this kind of thing. Social workers who've been at this for most of their lives would give anything to have what you have.'

Olivia's brow furrowed, she didn't have any idea what Smythe was talking about. All she had done was try to empathize with the mother, try to show her she had someone on her side even though Olivia had no clue what it felt like to have your daughter raped in your own home. Two-year-old daughter, actually. She didn't think there was anything special about what she'd done. It was her job, and she'd gotten through it, waiting until she got back to the station to break down.

'Olivia, you have a gift. You gained almost immediate trust with a two-year-old rape victim and her mother. No one does that. Victims are standoffish and hesitant to trust, but you performed beautifully. This is your calling, Olivia.'

Continuing to shake her head, Olivia couldn't disagree more. How could this be her calling when she felt sick every time she thought about it? How could it be her calling when she didn't want to be anywhere near that little girl because of all the feelings that had built up inside her? The thought of dealing with more victims like that innocent two-year-old scared her so badly she didn't even know what to think.

In the Academy, they'd shown the recruits pictures of horrific crime scenes, blood spatters, murders, gang killings, drug deals gone bad. She'd seen it all and managed to hold herself together. As a uniformed police officer, she'd seen some pretty bad things in person, she'd smelled decaying bodies and witnessed a few autopsies. No big deal.

But this.

This was something completely different.

How could a person deal with this day in and day out?

Smythe seemed to understand what all was going through her head and she patted Olivia's thigh comfortingly. 'You want to go out for a drink? Get your mind on something else?' Smythe asked.

Olivia looked up at her and managed a smile. 'No thanks, Sergeant. I appreciate the offer, but I think I'd like to just go home.'

'You shouldn't be alone after a day like this.'

Olivia shook her head. 'It's okay. I'll be fine tonight.'

Resigned, Smythe stood up and opened the door to the interview room, allowing Olivia to walk out first. 'Okay, but think about what I said. You really do have a gift, Olivia.'

Olivia didn't answer. She met her mentor's eyes once more before she turned away to gather her things and head home.

…

At her apartment, Olivia tossed her keys on the counter and paused at her refrigerator to peek inside. Pretty much empty. It reminded her too vividly of her mother's refrigerator. _Shit_, she thought. _Am I just as bad as her?_ she wondered as she found a can of soup deep in the recesses of a cabinet and warmed it up in the microwave. Neglecting to take care of herself properly when it came to cooking and keeping her apartment clean, she relied on take out and eating on the job. As for her apartment, she looked around, _not too bad, _she thought. A thin layer of dust coated pretty much all of the surfaces, but she hadn't been here often enough to make much of a mess. She knew she wasn't anywhere close to as bad as her mother, because for one thing she didn't have any children to take care of. But still, her job was all-consuming, and it seemed that it always would be. It was probably a blessing that she was no longer sharing an apartment with someone. Any relationship would be too much right now for both parties involved. She paused for a moment, thinking about that. _No, not, _any_ relationship. The right person wouldn't care about the state of my apartment or my inability to take good care of myself. The right person would be understanding._

It was late, and she had to be at work again early the next morning. So she ate her soup quickly and rinsed the bowl out in the sink. She made sure her door was dead bolted and turned out the lights on her way to her bedroom. Showering quickly to try and wash off the horrors of her day, she relished in the feeling of the hot stream of water beating down on her back.

In her bed, feeling much more refreshed, but still run down and conflicted, she willed her mind to stop running on warp-speed so that she could sleep. But it refused. As she figured it would for years and years to come. It was part of the job.

She thought back on what Sergeant Smythe had told her. About her having a gift, about getting through to the victims on a level that most people never could. She didn't know if that was true or not, but she did know that today was by far the toughest day she had faced so far. But maybe Smythe was right. Maybe it was her calling. After all, she had a little experience with rape and victims. She was a product of a rape, after all. Perhaps she did have a gift. Innate empathy.

Innate. That word got her thinking on a different, unwelcome tangent. What if she had some other _innate_ qualities that she wasn't yet aware of? Her genetics really weren't doing her any favors. An alcoholic on one side and a rapist on the other. Fate had really set her up for a supreme failure. She wondered how much of her father's genetics lived on inside her; was it possible that she had a violent streak? Was it going to be eventually impossible to avoid her nature?

She began to think of herself in kind of a split screen. One part of her was confident and collected and sure. The academy was tough, but she was sure of herself. Confident enough in herself to suck it up and take the joking and the jibes from her fellow male officers. And now she was a detective, and that was quite an achievement, certainly.

At the same time, she was in a constant struggle to keep her dark past from surfacing in her life. She knew that bottling up her emotions and keeping everything pushed down was unhealthy. But it was necessary for her to get through each day. Distancing herself from her own mother was a necessary thing as well. She didn't want to be constantly berated about being a constant reminder of Serena's rape. But she didn't want to think about her mother's rapist, so she kept it pushed away: out of sight, out of mind. She was stuck on trying to force these thoughts out of her mind as the minutes ticked on further into the night, she eventually fell into a fitful sleep.

…... ... ... ... ...

_**Alex**_

Smack in the middle of Brooklyn Heights, Alex had an incredible view of the city from her apartment. She could see Governor's Island directly in front of her and Ellis Island a little bit behind it, and Upper Bay along with the rest of the city made for a breathtaking panorama. Besides the view from her apartment, up on the roof of the building, there was an observation deck or a lounge depending on what you were using it for. Alex liked to go up there early in the morning and drink tea usually or coffee if she was feeling a little tired. The deck's view was even better than the one in her apartment. Manhattan's financial district and all of the downtown area were visible to the northwest and part of Brooklyn to the north. The views of the Brooklyn Bridge didn't hurt either.

She was incredibly lucky to have this apartment; first of all, the Brooklyner was in high demand and the waiting list for an apartment was probably a mile long. And second, she hadn't made enough money yet on her own to afford this type of place. Her trust fund was always there well within her reach, her father had made sure she had plenty of money before he died. But she didn't like to use that money; she figured she'd find a good use for it someday. After telling her mother about the job in Brooklyn, Virginia didn't hesitate to give her brother a call. Uncle Bill had connections, and he knew how to pull some strings to get things done.

For her 26th birthday, and also as a congratulatory gift for graduating from Harvard Law at the top of her class, her mother and uncle purchased the apartment and put it in her name. Alex grinned as she sipped her tea, strong with a bit of honey, thinking back on the day they had surprised her with it. Sure, she had wanted to strike out on her own and get a place by herself with her own money, but who could turn down a bought and paid for apartment around the corner from the Brooklyn DA's office?

When it came down to the details, the fact that her apartment was within walking, hell, within crawling distance to her office was the icing on top of a deliciously sweet cake. And Alex's relationship with her mother was improving, bit by bit. They had lunch together every week; sometimes she'd go a bit further and they'd eat in Chelsea. Other times, Virginia would travel a bit further and they'd find a new little hole in the wall restaurant in Greenwich Village.

Today was Saturday, she didn't have to go into work until Monday morning, and her mother had called and asked if they could have lunch today instead of their usual Sunday. She agreed, not having anything else to do, and they said they'd meet each other at Washington Square Park and decide where to go after that.

…..

Alex sat down on the cement steps that surrounded the fountain. She was directly across from the archway and could see all the way up 5th avenue. This was the best place to people-watch, she thought, because there was always such an eclectic mix of people here. The musicians were always good and she usually brought along a handful of spare cash she had lying around to toss into the cases at their feet. She never gave money to people begging on the street, but if they were doing something, actually working for something like playing an instrument or some other kind of performance, she was more than happy to show her appreciation for their talents.

The sun was shining and it was surprisingly warm for a fall day in the city. She leaned back against the cement behind her, taking in and enjoying one of her favorite places in the world. She'd been there for about 10 minutes when her mother sat down next to her, startling her just a bit. But she recovered quickly and turned to her mother, giving her a hug.

'Hey,' Alex said as she released her mother, held her at arm's length and looked at her.

'Alexandra. How are you, dear?'

'I'm doing really well. How are you?' Alex took the opportunity to study her mother. She looked tired and the haunted look that had invaded her eyes when her husband died was still there. Her wrinkles were a bit more defined, but she looked healthy. At least she'd been eating and keeping herself in shape.

'I'm great, dear. I've been busy with fundraisers and book club and all sorts of things.'

Alex stood up and held out a hand to help her mother up. She took it and groaned a bit as she stood.

'I'm getting old, Alexandra,' she joked as they began walking towards Bleeker Street, where there were plenty of delightful little restaurants.

'Don't be ridiculous, Mother. You look fantastic.' Alex said and Virginia looked sideways at her.

'You mean for my age,' she quipped.

'No I mean you look fantastic. Who cares how old you are? I think age and wrinkles and smile lines are something to be proud of.' Virginia laughed as they waited at the 3rd street crosswalk.

'You say that now, dear. But you have no wrinkles or smile lines. Just wait until you turn 50.'

Alex nodded, smiling. 'All right. We'll see when I get there.'

They decided to try something different, and an almost hidden sign that read _Tammy's Thai_ caught Virginia's eye. 'Let's go in here,' she said to Alex as she pulled her along, down a set of side-stairs and into a dimly lit restaurant with dark paneled wood walls and hardwood floors. Alex was half-expecting it to be sketchy, but it was actually quite beautiful. The artwork on the walls was subtle, cool greens and blues, and yet it accentuated the small-restaurants quaint charm. A tall woman was attending to a table filled with half a dozen Asian men. She was pouring them tea, and she looked up when they entered the small dining room.

'Good afternoon,' she said, walking over to them, her voice thick with accent. 'Only two?'

Virginia and Alex both nodded and were led to a table by the window, which was high up on the wall. The restaurant was underground, in a basement of what looked like an apartment building. They had no idea what to order, having never been there, so they asked the hostess/waitress/probably the owner of the place what they should get. She was kind and accommodating, suggesting several different dishes for them to try. So they trusted her and ordered a few of the items she had described to them. She told them her name was Tammy and to let her know if they needed anything. When she bustled off towards the kitchen to get them glasses of water, Virginia turned her gaze back to Alex and smiled.

'Alexandra, I really have been enjoying our lunches together. We've been so distant from each other these past few years.' Her eyes were filled with sadness as she reached across the table and grasped Alex's hands in her own.

'I've enjoyed them too. And you're right, we have grown apart since I went off to college.' Virginia looked down at their hands, her face betraying her guilt. She changed the subject, apparently not ready to talk about that yet.

'Tell me about work, how are the people you work with? What kinds of cases are you working on right now?' Alex let go of her mother's hands and smiled up at Tammy as she placed their waters in front of them. As Tammy walked away again, Alex tucked a strand of hair behind her ears.

'Everyone has been great. The Bureau Chief who is training all of us new ADAs is tough, but not cruel or mean by any stretch of the imagination. The other ADAs are interesting. Several of them come from out of state and from different law schools. But they all seem intelligent and capable of doing some good things.'

Virginia nodded as she listened to her daughter. 'Now tell me again, dear, which Unit are you assigned to? It's not homicide or drugs is it?'

Alex let out a quite laugh, pleased that her mother still worried about her. 'No, not homicide or narcotics, per say. I'm assigned to the Investigations Bureau, and we assist investigating police officers with interviews and paperwork and preparation of evidence for high profile and sometimes violent crimes.'

Her mother looked a little put-off at the _violent crime_ part of her explanation. But Alex quickly explained to appease her fears. 'It's not dangerous, really. We just ride along with the officers and help them out. I'm with police officers most of the time, so it's actually very safe.'

Virginia shook her head. 'I don't consider being anywhere near someone with a gun to be safe at all, Alexandra. Please be careful, I worry about you so.'

Smiling, Alex went on, 'I know you do. And I appreciate that, but there's nothing to worry about. Besides, maybe after a year or so out here in Brooklyn, I'll work my way up to a promotion, or at least a transfer to Manhattan.'

Virginia's eyes widened. 'You want to come back to Manhattan . . . so soon?'

Alex nodded. 'Of course, I do. The city is my home and I love it here. Brooklyn is great and all, but this is where all the excitement happens.'

'That's what I worry the most about, Alexandra. That you yearn for the exciting things. Exciting things are dangerous things. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have you closer to me. But you, my dear, are just like your father, always rushing headlong into crazy business deals and projects.'

Laughing at the fond memory that statement brought up of her father, taking risks and throwing caution to the wind, Alex looked up and thanked Tammy as she brought them their food. They dug in with chopsticks and were pleased with the variety and tastes of the food. Alex thought it was all delicious, but she particularly enjoyed the chicken satay and peanut sauce, and her mother found she was partial to the prawn soup with coconut milk.

When they finished their meal, Alex sat back in her chair, full and completely sated. Feeling her distended belly, she didn't mind a bit that she had eaten too much. She'd run it off later. Virginia wiped her mouth daintily with her napkin and met Alex's eyes.

'How is your friend Abbie? What is she up to these days?'

Alex looked down at her hands, the feelings of guilt returned like waves at how she had treated Abbie in law school. After the incident at that frat house, they spent less and less time together because it seemed that Abbie couldn't stand to be anywhere close to Alex for extended periods of time. They met for dinner and drinks a few more times, and Alex ended up meeting several of Abbie's new girlfriends. Those girls went through a sort-of revolving door, in and out within a few weeks, none of them lasted very long. Alex still saw the hurt and traces of longing in Abbie's eyes when they looked at each other.

'I . . uh. . haven't seen her in a while. We fell out of touch recently, but last time I heard, she was working at the DAs office in Manhattan actually. Working Narcotics I think.'

Virginia nodded, searching Alex's eyes for any more information, but it seemed like a sore subject and her daughter gave nothing else away as she raised her water glass to her lips and took a sip.

'That's too bad, dear. She seemed like a nice girl. Smart too. And you two got along well.'

'Yes, we did. I don't know, I'm sure I'll see her around at some point. It's a small world.'

'It is indeed. And . .' Virginia hesitated, a painful look crossed her face. 'What about Olivia?'

Alex froze. She didn't expect her mother to mention or ask about Olivia at all. She wasn't expecting to hear Olivia's name. She also wasn't expecting the rush of feelings that flowed through her veins and mind and heart when she heard Olivia's name. She composed herself quickly, met her mother's eyes, and shrugged.

'I haven't seen or spoken to her since she graduated from the Academy.'

Frowning, Virginia leaned in towards the table. 'Really? I didn't know that, dear. What happened?'

Alex shook her head. She didn't want to talk about this. Not now, and not with her mother. So she went with the shortened and condensed version. 'We went two different directions. And being so far apart didn't help either, I think.'

Virginia didn't seem to want to let it go, though. 'So it's been two years since you've seen her or talked to her?'

Alex nodded. And after a brief pause, 'Why do you seem so interested in all this all of the sudden?' she asked her mother.

It was Virginia's turn to shrug as she diverted her eyes.

'I . . . ' she hesitated. 'I want to be involved in your life. I want to know what's happening with you. I am your mother, after all.'

'Why the sudden change of heart, though?' Alex had to know. Her mother had never been interested before in her personal life, aside from telling Alex that she wasn't allowed to see Olivia anymore back in high school. And aside from basically telling her daughter she would be disowned from the family if she and Olivia went to college together. This was the first time they had been able to speak about any type of relationship without her mother bringing up the fact that she should be trying to find a 'nice boy' to take care of her. And Alex wondered why.

Virginia sighed, her shoulders slumped and she looked defeated. 'I already lost your father. He's gone, and there's nothing I can do about that,'

Alex started to reply, but Virginia held her hand out and cut her off. 'No, let me finish.'

She took in a deep breath, and met Alex's eyes. 'I can't bring him back. So I'm trying, dear. I'm trying to understand. You're all I have left.'

Her heart just about melted in her chest. This was the first time in a long time her mother had tried to connect with her, and now she was doing it in the biggest way possible.

She smiled, trying to hold back the tears that had formed in her eyes. 'You have Uncle Bill.'

Virginia smiled back at her, wiping her own tears from her eyes.

'Alexandra. You know what I mean.' And when Alex nodded, she went on. 'I've already lost your father, and I don't want to lose you too.'

…..


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N – hello readers. Those of you still with me, thank you so much for sticking around. I got sidetracked with my other story, **_**Last Year**_**, and it's been hard to find motivation to write these sort of "filler" chapters before Alex and Olivia meet up again. And just so you know, I like writing the love/sex scenes, but I don't like love scenes that don't involve Olivia and Alex together. **

_**Olivia**_

Olivia leaned over the sink and gathered a handful of water in her hands. Some found its way through her fingers, but what water she managed to hold on to, she cupped and splashed over her face. It was cold. The droplets trickled off her face and back into the sink. But it was what she needed. Especially now when it was getting colder, she loved the contradiction between the cold of the air and water and the warmth of her bed, the steamy bathroom after a hot shower, and the biting heat of the fresh cup of coffee she was about to treat herself to. She needed certain things like this in the morning to get her going so that she wouldn't be stuck in a zombie like stupor for half of the morning.

Today, she didn't have to be up at the office until about 9 later that morning and looking over at the clock on her kitchen wall, she saw she had a couple of hours to relax. She was up way too early for how little sleep she'd gotten. But that was the thing about being on the job. The internal alarm was all kinds of out of whack. Her body never knew when it was going to be jolted awake again after two or three hours of sleep after pulling yet another all-nighter. Cases always seemed to work that way. But after all, her mother used to tell her that nothing good ever happened after midnight. And she was right about that. It seemed that the criminals and wife-beaters and child abusers were usually nocturnal beings.

She sank into the couch and sighed, taking a sip of her almost scalding coffee. Her bare feet plopped onto the coffee table with a _plunk _and she let her mind wander to the cases she'd worked the previous year and a half at domestic violence. They were trying on her soul, yes, but they were rewarding as anything she had ever done. Helping those battered women and children to find some safety and solace was the best and most important thing she had ever done with her life. More important than moving away and distancing herself from her mother, more important than finally earning enough money to rent this small but comfortable apartment, and certainly more important than any of her athletic achievements in college and high school.

That brief flashback to all those years playing ball and having someone tell her to be at the gym at a certain time, to run this amount or lift this many weights assaulted her sleep stiffened body. It was hard being on the job, and had been hard ever since she started work with the NYPD to find time to work out. But she found that she felt so much better when she did make herself exercise, and so she found time one way or the other. Most of the time, she found that she had an itch to work out. An itch that could only be satisfied with a sweat drenched t-shirt and aching muscles.

She decided that since she had a little extra time this morning that she'd go out for a run. Pulling on some sweats and her sneakers, she locked her door and made her way downstairs. The apartment building was pretty deserted at this hour and she didn't encounter any of her neighbors on the way to the street. The weather was getting a little chilly in the mornings, but she didn't mind that. She sort of relished the burning in her throat as she breathed the cool air into her lungs.

She started off slow, letting her muscles get a little warmed up before she found an easy pace, skirting around the few people on the sidewalk who were awake this early. The sun was just starting to cast its early morning glow on the city and she couldn't have felt more alive at that moment. About twenty minutes into her run, her muscles were crying out for relief and she was breathing hard as a stitch developed in her side.

_Shit_, she thought. _I've gotta get out here more and keep myself in shape._

She was just thinking about stopping and bending over to rest when she felt rather than heard someone behind her as she paused to catch her breath next to an apartment complex several blocks from her own. She had looped back around and was on her way back now, and she peeked subtly over her shoulder to catch a glimpse of whoever was setting her nerves on edge. A man was coming towards her, a black hoodie pulled up over his head and his hands shoved into his pockets. He walked quickly down the sidewalk and Olivia saw that he was tall and his face was hidden behind his hood, covered in shadow.

The hair on the back of her neck stood on end and she instinctively reached to her side for her gun before realizing that she hadn't thought twice about not bringing it with her before leaving the apartment. She cursed herself and prepared to fight this guy off with her fists.

But just as she was about to get into a defensive stance, he walked right past her, didn't even glance back at her as he crossed the street. She let out a long breath and relaxed her body up against the cold brick wall.

_Fuck, I'm getting paranoid._

Trying to shrug off the adrenaline that was now coursing through her veins, she prepared to take off running again as she rounded the corner. She was looking down at her feet, pissed at herself for not bringing her gun and embarrassed that she had assumed the worst of some guy who meant her no harm at all. Before she could react, she ran headlong into a body turning the corner at the same time.

"Oof!" The woman said as the breath was partially knocked out of her lungs.

"Sorry," Olivia said, her words rushing out as she caught the woman by the arms and stabilized them both as they caught their balance. "Didn't watch where I was going there."

She laughed lightly, obviously not hurt but still a little surprised, and she looked up at Olivia, her green eyes sparkled as they met brown.

"That's okay. Neither did I." she said, and then she frowned as recognition seeped over her face.

"Have we met?" the woman asked, her voice smooth and a bit higher than Olivia's.

Olivia's eyebrows knitted together as she studied the woman's face and realized that she too had seen this woman somewhere before. But before she could answer, the dark haired woman tilted her head to the side and spoke again.

"I've seen you at court," she paused and gestured at Olivia. "Do you work for the DA?"

Olivia laughed lightly, because she and all the rest of the detectives in New York City often resented being told by their ADAs exactly who they worked for.

"Sort of," Olivia said with a smile. "I work for the NYPD."

The woman nodded, and Olivia got the impression that this woman was most definitely a lawyer. She was dressed in a sharp black pinstriped pantsuit with a pressed white shirt and carried a leather briefcase over her shoulder. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck. . .

"Ah, so you're a detective," she said, looking Olivia up and down.

"And how did you know that?" Olivia asked as she quirked an eyebrow.

"I read people for a living. Just like you do. I can tell a detective when I see one, it's all in the way they carry themselves."

Olivia smiled and held her hand out. "I could say the same thing about lawyers. Detective Olivia Benson."

She took the proffered hand firmly and shook it a couple of times.  
>"ADA Karen Fitzgerald. It's very nice to meet you."<p>

"Likewise," said Olivia. And she felt suddenly drawn to this woman. "So, uh . . . you have time for coffee?"

She looked down at her watch quickly and glanced back up at Olivia with an apologetic look.

"I would, really. But I've got to be in court in about 20 minutes."

Olivia nodded, and gave her a small smile. "Maybe some other time."

"Definitely," she said. "I'll probably see you around."

"Probably so, you have a good day."

And with that, Olivia continued on her way around the corner back towards her apartment. She hadn't really dated anyone since she broke up with Leigh, so the thought of a woman like Karen Fitzgerald having an interest in her gave her a bit of a thrill. It was hard to tell sometimes whether or not a woman was flirting with her or just being friendly. But she took the blatant eye-roving to be a good sign.

She was in a good mood as she showered and got ready for work. Clipping on her holster to her belt, she chastised herself again for not wearing her gun earlier when she was out on her run. She had to be more careful about things like that.

. . . . . . .. . . .

At the station later, Olivia wove her way in and out of people going about their usual business. Mornings were always hectic. Hell, all the time was hectic around any police station. She wasn't sitting at her desk for more than five minutes before Sergeant Smythe came out of her office and motioned silently for Olivia to come over.

She sat down on the chair opposite of Smythe's desk and crossed her legs, comfortable in her commanding officer's presence. Figuring Smythe wanted to talk about one of their open cases, what leads they should follow, who they needed to interview and so forth, she wondered why Smythe was looking down at a file, lost in thought. After reading a few more lines, she finally looked up and met Olivia's gaze.

"You've been doing a fantastic job, Liv." Olivia smiled at the use of her shortened name, that she and Smythe had developed that sort of a bond. It was true, though. She was getting used to, if that was possible, the horrendous nature of the cases she had to handle at the Domestic Violence division. And Smythe had been right about this being second-nature to her, that it was easy for her to side with the victims, that she was a natural at consoling those people who had been hurt in the worst ways.

"I think you're ready to move on."

Olivia was taken aback. She thought she was just in to talk about how well she was performing, not to hear that she would be leaving the division. Sure, she knew this day was coming, when she finished her probationary period of training for at least a year that she would be eligible for a transfer. But the weeks and months had flown by, and she found that she had grown comfortable in her job, that she needed to work. She needed to help battered wives, girlfriends, and kids and try to bring some sort of stability back to families that had been torn apart. And now that was all going to change.

"Move on?" It was all she could think of to say.

"Yes, Liv. You are ready to transfer out of here and go on to bigger and better things."

"But what if I don't want to transfer? What if I want to stay here?" The lack of self confidence in her voice was foreign to her. But she couldn't help that she weary about leaving the place that had finally begun to feel like home for her.

Sergeant Smythe shook her head. She closed the file in front of her and leaned her elbows on her desk.

"There's an opening at the Special Victims Unit in Lower Manhattan, the 1-6. That's where you're needed now."

Olivia wasn't convinced. "Special Victims? I don't know, Sergeant. I don't know if I can handle dealing with rape victims every day."

Smythe smiled and handed the file to Olivia. "Oh, yes you can. You've proved that every single day here. You were born for that job, Liv. And I've trained you well. You're going over today for an interview."

Olivia stared at her, thinking about it. She was right, of course. If she really thought about it, it was her calling, to help rape victims. If she was a believer in Destiny or Fate, this would be hers. She nodded her head, conceding that Smythe had been right all along about her.

"Try it out. If you hate it, you can always come back, or transfer to something else. Detectives usually don't last more than a couple years there anyway."

Olivia detected a bit of cynicism or maybe sarcasm in Smythe's voice, but didn't say anything. She simply stood up and held out her hand to her commanding officer. Smythe shook her head and stood up as well, walking around the desk and holding out her arms. Olivia stepped in to them and they embraced. This woman knew her, professionally, better than anyone. And she had never stopped believing in what Olivia was capable of.

. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .

On her way downtown, Olivia thought back on her past year and a half. She thought back on that day at the house with the two year old rape victim. She remembered how she had to force herself to go back to work the next day. She knew Smythe was right. She began to truly understand that this is what she was meant to do. If she didn't stand up for these victims, like someone should have for her own mother, then who would?

She wanted to go on to help more victims, in a bigger way, so this interview for the job most other detectives and police officers would scoff at was important to her. The panty police. Sex crimes. But these crimes were of the worst sort, in her opinion. Almost as bad as a murder and worse than a typical assault. Rape was about control. To use sex as a way to control made things worse, because sex was a special, sacred thing to a lot of people. And to take choice away from a person, to deny them consent was what made the crimes so horrendous and scarring. And the victims needed the most help, they needed a voice because they often weren't able to find the courage to step up and speak for themselves.

She walked confidently into the squad room where several desks were lined up facing each other. A tall, lanky man with glasses sat at one of the desks with his feet propped up on top. He had his long nose buried in some book with a title about John F. Kennedy. The desk across from him was occupied by a younger man with a baby face and dark hair. He eyed her as she walked past him.

Across the aisle, at a desk whose opposite desk was empty, sat another younger guy. This one was muscular with a buzz cut. He looked to be straight out of the military. She got a raised eyebrow from him on the way past to the captain's office. She knocked on the door that read _Captain Don Cragen_, and entered when a voice called out from within.

The captain was friendly enough looking, balding with a bit of a belly hanging over his slacks, but Olivia immediately noticed that his eyes were sad. He looked haunted by something, and she figured that anyone who worked in this line of work might get that look in their eyes sooner or later. He stood and walked around his desk to greet her.

"Olivia Benson," she said as she shook his hand firmly.

"Captain Don Cragen. I've heard a lot about you from Sergeant Smythe. Sit down."

.. . . . . . . . .. . .

**If there's a cloud above  
>If it should rain we'll let it<br>But for tonight, forget it  
>I'm in the mood for love<strong>  
><em>- Julie London, I'm in the Mood for Love<em>

_**Alex**  
><em>

Alex had always been the running type. And because of that, her body had changed since college where she lifted weights and was thick with powerful muscles. Now, she didn't have time for a gym membership especially when she could run three or four miles outside and do some crunches in the comfort of her own living room, and her body became leaner and her muscles were defined in different ways now.

This morning's run around her neighborhood in Brooklyn was invigorating. The air was chilly and refreshing, and as usual, the city that never slept was typically pretty quiet at six in the morning. She finished up at right under three miles and trudged tiredly up the stairs to her apartment.

After her shower, she grabbed a couple of files and a freshly steeped mug of Earl Grey and made her way up to the rooftop balcony to get a little work done before she had to head to the office for the day.

The view was breathtaking all over again and would be, she thought at least, every time she came up here to look out over the city. She took a sip of her tea and sat back against the comfortable patio chair that faced Lower Manhattan.

Opening up one of her files, she began to take notes on what she needed to take care of that day and the rest of the week. She marked several places that she needed to do further research on and made notations of the paperwork that would need to be filled out.

After a while, she looked down at her watch and was surprised to see that she'd been busy for about an hour, and it was time to get ready for work. So she gathered up her stuff and went back down the stairs to get dressed.

…

The DAs office was right around the corner from her apartment, so she rarely had to leave very early in order to get there on time. Most days she left her apartment about five minutes before she had to be at work and usually made it with time to spare.

Her day with the Investigations Bureau was to begin with Detective Montes and his partner, Detective Pierce. They were both nice enough guys, but it wasn't easy being the only female around them. She felt like she was intruding, and that they were modifying their behavior so as not to offend her. She wanted to let them know that she was a college athlete, and she had been around plenty of foul mouthed, crass jocks, boys and girls alike. But at the same time, she didn't feel much like divulging her past for them. She really just wanted to get the job done.

And besides, Pierce was pretty quiet most of the time, so she didn't feel too obligated to speak to him very often. He seemed like the brains of the operation, clean cut and somber while Montes was the brawn. Montes was older, a bit scruffy, and most of the time he looked as if he'd just rolled out of bed.

Today they needed to follow up on a lead in a high-profile case involving a state senator and his girlfriend, whom he reportedly slashed with a broken glass. The altercation took place the day before in Brooklyn, where witnesses at a bar gave statements to the police, but no arrests were made at the time because the police weren't called and no charges were filed while the couple was at the bar. Now they needed to interview both the senator and his girlfriend, who lived together in Manhattan before the media could sink their teeth too deeply into the story.

So they climbed in Montes' sedan and he steered them towards the Brooklyn Bridge. On the car ride, Alex wondered briefly about jurisdiction and whether or not the Manhattan DA would take over this case, seeing as both parties resided in Manhattan. Her boss had sent them out anyway because the altercation itself took place under their jurisdiction.

They finally arrived at the senator's apartment, and once inside the building, they rode the elevator up to the penthouse, exited, and made their way towards his door. They stood and knocked for a while and finally he answered the door. Neither Alex nor the two Detectives were surprised to find that the girlfriend wasn't around and had in fact decided to stay in a hotel for the night. Alex would have stayed away from the violent bastard too if she were in the woman's shoes. If getting a statement from the senator took a while, they would have to return another day and try to get into contact with her. Just as they were sitting down on the couch, preparing to take his statement, there was a knock at the door. He got up to answer and when he came back around the corner, he had another visitor walking confidently behind him.

Pierce and Montes had their heads huddled together, speaking about who knew what, and Alex just happened to glance up as the senator came around the corner with this newcomer.

_Must be the Manhattan ADA,_ thought Alex.

And wow. She was gorgeous. All legs in that pinstriped suit and white shirt, Prada pumps, and her dark hair perfectly styled, Alex took a second to admire the woman. She finally realized she was staring as the woman approached her with a wry grin and a glance over at the two detectives.

"How'd you get stuck with these two jokesters?" she asked as Alex stood from the armchair she had been sitting on and walked over to her to observe the interview. Montes swiveled his head around and glared at her. "I heard that Fitz, you better watch yourself."

She laughed and held her hand out to Alex. "Karen Fitzgerald."

Alex shook her hand, enjoying briefly the soft feel of her skin.

"Alex Cabot."

Karen looked her up and down and let out a low whistle as she raised an eyebrow. "_The _Alex Cabot?" she asked, eyes wide.

When Alex only replied with a quizzical look, Karen grinned and waved her hand nonchalantly. "Come on, everyone knows who you are. We all know who your uncle is, and the DA in Manhattan has been eying you ever since you graduated top of your class at Harvard."

Alex didn't know what to say. She hadn't really thought about people knowing who she was. After all, the people at the Brooklyn DA's office treated her just like everybody else.

"I didn't realize. . ." she started, but Karen cut her off.

"Sure you didn't. So modest, aren't you? Shit, I'd be bragging to the world if I was you and I had half your talent."

"That's very nice of you, but I just try to do my job, you know?"

The brunette shot her a sideways grin and nodded her head.

"So, how's the case looking so far?" she asked, and Alex was grateful for the change of subject.

They talked in hushed voices off to the side about the various discrepancies with the eyewitness' statements at the bar. When talk turned to whose office would be taking the soon-to-be high profile case if the girlfriend ended up pressing charges, Karen was polite and gracious, Alex was pleased to discover, and she was willing to work together to get this thing taken care of without bringing everything down around their ears. Alex also didn't mind that Karen kept making eye contact with her and holding it for what seemed like forever. Their conversation turned a little flirtatious and Alex wondered if it was possible for this woman to be gay. _What were the odds of that?_She couldn't help asking herself.

When the interview came to an end, they were finishing up, gathering their things and getting ready to head out the door. The four of them were out in the hall, waiting on the elevator when Alex felt a hand close gently around her elbow and she turned to stand face to face with Karen, who was smiling confidently at her. She inclined her head over at the wall a few feet from the men and Alex followed her over, out of earshot of the two detectives.

"You doing anything after work?"

Alex wasn't used to such outright flirting and confident requests for dates from women. From men, sure. But women were more subtle about it usually, taking their time and getting to know the person before sticking their neck out. But she liked Karen instantly, she was easy-going, sure of herself, and damn good-looking. Plus, Alex didn't happen to have any plans for the evening.

"Depends," she said playfully, "What did you have in mind?"

Karen shrugged, eyes glancing up nonchalantly, but when she looked back into Alex's there was a gleam in them that was appealing in a primal sort of way.

"Just drinks. What do you say?"

"I say . . . sure. Why not?" Alex asked. She glanced down at her watch. "What time? I live over in Brooklyn, you know."

"I figured," Karen replied. She glanced down at her own watch, which Alex noticed was expensive. Designer, 5th avenue expensive. "How about right now?"

Alex glanced down at her clothes. A dark grey pencil skirt, black blouse and a matching jacket. "Like this?" she asked, unsure.

Karen held her arms out to the sides, palms up, and shrugged. "Why not?" she echoed Alex's earlier statement. "I'll take off my jacket, you take off yours, and what do you know? We're both business casual."

Alex laughed, already enjoying the company of this woman. "Okay, I'll let the guys know I won't be going back with them."

Pierce and Montes cast suspicious glances over at Karen in the elevator as Alex told them her plan for the evening, that she would be finding her own way home. She'd hail a cab or catch the subway later on.

As they exited the elevator and headed towards the sedan parked out front, they called over to Karen.

"Don't try any funny business with our ADA, Fitz. She's a Brooklyn girl now. And besides . . we know where you live."

Alex was surprised that Montes knew she was once NOT a Brooklyn girl, that he had any idea of her background, but she guessed that their captain had probably filled them in about their ADA. If not, they would have found out for themselves.

Karen rolled her eyes. "You do not."

"Okay maybe not, but we're cops. We can find out."

"See you later guys. Cabot is in good hands." she winked at Alex as she said it, and Alex wondered what she was getting herself into.

...

They left the building and walked a couple blocks down. Just when Alex was about to complain of her feet hurting in her heels, Karen stopped and led her into a bar. It was modern and sleek and Alex could sense that these drinks weren't going to be happy-hour priced. Not that she couldn't afford it, but she loved a good deal when she could make it.

They found seats at a high table near the bar itself, and a waiter quickly came over to take their orders. There weren't many people around, as it was only 6:00 in the evening, but the people Alex did see around were dressed professionally. They had obviously just finished with work as well.

"Give us just a minute to decide, please." Karen said politely to the young man.

As he walked away, Karen studied Alex's face and knitted her fingers together, leaning her chin on them, elbows on the table in front of her. "Let me guess your drink."

Alex smiled and said okay.

"You can tell a lot about a person by what they order in a bar, you know. For example, if someone orders a tequila shot, they're obviously ready to party."

Laughing, Alex agreed.

"And if you order a glass of wine, you have a more refined taste and you're probably not trying to get drunk. Wine hangovers are the worst, right? Gin and tonic or a sidecar is a high class goody two shoes. . . And while you're high class, certainly, _you_are no goody two shoes by any means."

Alex leaned in. "Oh really? You can tell that just by looking at me and being around me for two hours at work?"

"I can read people, Alex Cabot."

"We'll see. Do continue. I'm enjoying myself."

"Let's see. I'm betting you can hold your own in a beer chugging contest, but tonight doesn't seem like a beer kind of night for you. "

_Nailed it again_, Alex thought.

"Maybe you like whiskey, yeah, you probably enjoy a nice scotch after a rough day. But tonight isn't one of those nights either. Whiskey makes me an angry drunk. I try to stay away from it."

"Good to know," Alex said, chuckling.

"No, I think tonight is a different kind of night. Tonight is sultry. Smooth. Dangerous."

"And what drink would that be?"

"A martini, of course. But not like James Bond. No, no . . . these are _real_martinis. They're famous for them here."

Alex nodded and grinned, and she found suddenly that she did indeed want a martini over any of those other drinks. She didn't know if it was the power of suggestion or if Karen was really able to read her that well. Regardless, Karen called the waiter back over and ordered them a martini each.

He brought the drinks quickly and set them down on the table. It was ice cold and a little murky, the gin was floral and the vermouth was just barely there. Alex took a sip and couldn't have been happier. And damn it if the combination of the chilled glass and those two olives at the bottom made her want to listen to Julie London and sway along to her sultry, smoky voice.

"This drink is dangerous, you're right. But should I be worried? Pierce and Montes didn't look happy that I was leaving with you."

Karen rolled her eyes, as she sipped her drink. "Those guys. They're just jealous that I'm the one taking you out for drinks."

"You're probably right about that," Alex said. "But wait, they're not married?"

Karen shrugged. "Hell if I know. And I don't really care either. I'm not interested in them."

Alex knew what the next line was. Her response would determine the direction the entire rest of the night went. If she answered noncommittally, Karen would understand right away that Alex didn't want anything to come of this conversation and of this night. If she answered in the flirtatious way that so naturally came to the forefront of her mind at that moment, there would be no turning back. She would be revealing her intentions and exactly what she wanted. What to do?

_Screw it_.

"And what is it you _are_ interested in?" Alex asked, finishing off her drink. She picked up the olives by the toothpick and raised it slowly to her mouth. Karen's eyes watched the olive's path until it reached her lips as they parted and the first olive disappeared.

She seemed to come to her senses as she glanced back up into Alex's eyes, shaking her head a little.

"Do you really have to ask?" And with that, she motioned the waiter over to order two more drinks. He returned quickly with two more martini glasses, smiling as he set them down and walked back towards the bar. Alex eyed the drink. The buzz of the alcohol was already getting to her.

"Another? I haven't eaten and it seems that you're trying to get me drunk."

"Does it seem that way?" Karen asked sarcastically, smiling at Alex. "You looked thirsty."

"And right now, you look sort of hungry." Alex replied.

"You're starting to catch on, here, Alex Cabot."

Alex started in on her second drink, sipping the cold liquid slower this time. She didn't want to be drunk, just tipsy, maybe, and then she decided to go out on a limb.

"Are you trying to seduce me?"

Karen brought her elbow up to the table and leaned on her hand.

"Is it working?" she asked, her voice lowering about an octave.

"We'll see," Alex said.

… …..

Alex found herself being pushed roughly against the wall in Karen's hallway. How she got to Karen's apartment, Alex wasn't completely sure. Those martinis were strong and she drank probably two or three too many. Karen's mouth was hot on her neck, her tongue licking its way up and down and around her pulse point, making her squirm with delight. Hands roved up her body from her hips to her ribs, moving up to palm and cup her breasts, pushing her harder up against the wall.

Karen's voice tickled her ear. "I've got something for you that I think you'll enjoy."

"Oh yeah?" Alex husked back as her leg found its way in between Karen's, pressing up. She relished in the groan that escaped the other woman's throat.

"You ever been fucked with a strap-on?"

A shiver rippled up and down her spine as Alex felt moisture pool between her legs. _Shit._


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22- Roller Coasters**

Fall 1998

_**Olivia**_

The door slammed open, banging loudly against the baseboard and rattling the photographs and scattered mementos hung on Captain Cragen's wall.

Cragen stood up, mouth open, indignant at the way his memories were being treated by the irate detective. He stepped around his desk, squaring his shoulders and taking a deep breath.

"Stabler."

His voice was quiet, authoritative. And despite the time that had passed, Elliot never forgot his time as a marine. Once a soldier, always a soldier. He stopped reluctantly and slowly turned. Without making eye contact with his captain, he shoved his hands in his pockets and took a step back into the office.

"I wasn't finished, Detective." Cragen's voice didn't change, but it sounded to Elliot like he had spit the last word at him.

'But Cap'n, I don't think . . "

He was cut off immediately by Cragen's firm, but quiet tones. She was standing close enough to the door so that she could still hear the two of them arguing. Well, she could hear Cragen scolding Elliot anyway; Elliot wasn't doing much talking at that point. Elliot hadn't seen her as he attempted to storm out of the office, and she was torn between wanting to get the hell out of there and needing to hear what they would say about her new partnership. It was the end of her first week on the job, and she had learned only yesterday that she and Elliot would be partnered up. Today was supposed to be her first day on the job with him. The previous few days were all about getting familiar with the people in the building, learning everyone's names and figuring out where everything was.

There were four main detectives in the squad room, or the 'bull pen' as they called it. Monique Jeffries' desk was on the side wall, and she seemed nice enough. Olivia liked her whip-like sarcasm and wit right away. Jeffries gave the most experienced detective in the group, Munch, a hard time every chance she got. Olivia figured everyone who met him felt the same way, but she couldn't help but smirk a little at his last name every time someone said it aloud. John Munch's desk was directly across from Brian Cassidy's. He was the younger, beady-eyed guy whose eyes she had felt on her the day she first interviewed for the job. And finally there was Elliot Stabler, obviously ex-military with his close-cropped hair and bulging muscles. Olivia was sure women fell all over themselves to be with him. But after three days, she heard enough chatter around the squad room to realize that he was as much of a family man as she would ever know. The desk across from Elliot's was the one Cragen gave to her. That first day he hadn't said anything about it; he simply gestured to it and set down several files for her on top of it. Elliot's eyes were like laser beams boring into her as she sat down in the ancient, creaky chair and turned to face the rest of the squad.

Thoughts of her first impressions of all the detectives here at SVU flew through her mind as she stood, immobilized outside Cragen's office. She wondered what she had done to make Elliot dislike her so much. Why didn't he want to give her a chance as his partner?

"You don't have a choice, Elliot."

Olivia could hear a chair scraping on the tiled floor. She figured Elliot had kicked it or something. He seemed to have somewhat of a temper.

"Get mad all you want, but you're going to have a partner whether you like it or not."

His reply, whether there was one or not, went unheard by Olivia and she was surprised to see Elliot striding out of the office, his jaw set. Narrowed blue eyes connected briefly with shocked brown as he walked past her. He grabbed his coat and stuck his keys in his pocket. Without looking at her again, he muttered something under his breath and walked towards the hallway leading downstairs and out of the building. She didn't catch what he said, so she looked around the squad room while wondering what to do with herself. Just as she was about to head into Cragen's office, she heard Elliot more clearly from behind her.

"Benson," he said, her name falling foreign and forced out of his mouth.

She turned around. He was waiting by the door for her.

"Let's go. We've got some interviews to do."

_Hell, _she thought to herself as she grabbed her own coat from her chair as she walked by it. Jeffries patted her on the back as she walked by and Cassidy and Munch whistled and whooped as she left the room, grinning to herself. _ I guess that's a start. _

_. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . …._

_**Alex**_

The smells of coffee and fresh pastries filled her nose as she sat waiting for Karen to return with their drinks. Alex looked around, appreciating the local café's understated artwork on the espresso colored walls. People were bustling in and out, as it was early Friday morning and they needed to get to work, and more importantly they needed their caffeine.

A tall, steaming cup landed in front of her, and Alex turned her attention to the woman settling herself in the stool across the table.

"Thanks," Alex said, wrapping her cold hands around the cup and letting its warmth seep slowly through her skin.

"No problem," said Karen, as she took a tentative sip of her own drink. She closed her eyes and groaned in appreciation, and Alex grinned at her.

"That good, huh?" asked Alex.

Karen nodded. "I don't know what people would do without coffee. How does anyone function without it?"

"Beats me," Alex said, drinking a bit of coffee only to hiss softly at the heat and bring her hand up to her mouth. "Shit, I burned my tongue."

Smirking, Karen leaned forward, and Alex was caught off-guard at the predatory look in her eyes. "Want me to kiss it and make it better?"

Alex raised her eyebrow and blew softly on her still too hot drink. She made eye contact with the brunette and contemplated a moment before answering.

"I thought you weren't looking for anything serious?" asked Alex.

Karen shrugged. "Who said I was?"

Pursing her lips, Alex tapped her finger on the side of her face thoughtfully before she pointed a finger at Karen. "Three dates in four days says you are."

"You've been keeping count?"

"Maybe. You haven't?"

"Nope," Karen said, keeping a straight face. "I'm just trying to have some fun."

Alex regarded her for a moment and finally shrugged her shoulders. If Karen didn't want to admit that she was enjoying herself more than she was letting on, then so be it. But that she made time to meet Alex three times now after that first night spoke differently. After all, Alex had heard from Montes, one of the detectives she'd been working with, that Karen was rumored to be a 'hit it and quit it' kind of girl. She figured it wouldn't be long before the long-legged, green-eyed beauty was moving on to someone else.

"Oh, by the way," Karen started, changing the subject smoothly. "I'll be collaborating with one of your old classmates for an upcoming murder trial today."

Alex's eyes darted up to meet Karen's, unsure of what she would say next, unsure of which classmate she was talking about.

"Really?" Alex asked, managing to keep her voice calm. "Who's that?"

"Abbie something or other," Karen answered nonchalantly. She waved her hand in the air. "She said you two went to Harvard together."

Alex swallowed. This lawyering business was a small world.

"Oh, Abbie Carmichael. Yeah, we did. How did my name come up?"

Karen regarded her for a moment, trying to gauge her reactions, but she seemed satisfied and went on. "Someone was making fun of her accent, and they asked where the hell she was from to be speaking like that. And she 'bowed up' as they say and said 'screw you, I'm from Texas' and that had a Harvard Law education to boot, thank you very much." Smiling to herself and chuckling softly, she took another sip of her drink.

"She was pretty funny. And nice-looking too. So I chatted her up for a while and I mentioned that I knew someone in Brooklyn who she might have gone to Harvard with, and there you go. She closed up after I mentioned your name, so at that point I figured you two had some sort of spat over a guy or something and I left it alone."

Alex blew air through her nose and smiled wryly. "Yeah, something like that. So what's Abbie up to now anyway?"

Karen looked up, thinking for a minute. Alex wondered how a lawyer could have such a poor memory.

"What did she say? I don't remember exactly, but I think she said something about recently being assigned to help out with SVU every now and then as they're running short on ADAs who want to take those cases."

"SVU, huh?" Alex said. "That's a tough gig. Abbie can handle that sort of thing though. She's a hard-ass."

Nodding in agreement, Karen smiled. "Yeah, I could tell that she was. I thought she might kick my ass."

Alex laughed, enjoying the easy banter between them.

Then Karen's eyes lit up as she remembered something else. "Oh, speaking of SVU, they just received a transfer detective a few days ago. I heard about it down at Hogan's Place and I realized that I had met her the day before. . ."

Alex nodded her head, only partially listening as her mind wandered to Abbie and everything that had happened between them.

". . . I had never really thought about it before, but I heard someone mention that detectives never last very long at SVU. It's a revolving door precinct because no one can handle it . . ."

Karen's words were barely registering; she needed to only nod and mm hmm at the appropriate places to stay in the conversation.

" . . .it makes sense though, with all those live victims. But anyway, this one was a real hottie. I actually ran in to her on the way to get coffee one morning. Tall, dark and handsome type. She was pretty solid when I turned the corner and hit her. What's really weird is that I think I ran into her the same day that I met you. I remember thinking how lucky I was to meet two beautiful women on the same day. Strange coincidence. What was her name again? Jenson, Kenson, or something like that. Benton, maybe?"

Karen was really talking to herself now, trying to figure out the woman's name, but Alex's attention had been snapped back to the present conversation as sharply as a slap across the face. She coughed and spluttered on the sip of coffee she had just taken. Her eyes were glued to Karen's now, and she wondered vaguely why her heart was beating in her ears all of a sudden. From somewhere deep within herself, she cleared her throat and finally found her voice.

"Ahem . . Um . . Benson?" Alex asked, her voice quiet.

Karen looked at her, concerned at her little coughing fit. "Benson? Hmm… yeah, that sounds right. Benson."

"Olivia Benson?" Alex asked.

Snapping her fingers as she recognized and remembered the name, Karen smiled broadly. "Yeah, that's it!"

And then a pause. "Wait, how did you know that? You know her too?"

Alex didn't say anything. She couldn't, her voice would give everything away. How could she say that the woman Karen was speaking so flippantly about was _the one_? Or was at some point in her life, anyway.

"Hello?" Karen waved a hand in her face. "Earth to Alex."

"I, uh . . ." Alex cleared her throat again. "Yes, I did know her."

Karen raised an eyebrow and leaned in. "In the biblical sense, or . . ."

Eyes bugging out, Alex ran a hand through her hair, annoyed that the mere mention of Olivia's name could merit this strong of a response.

"We, uh, we went to high school together."

"Ah," Karen nodded, understanding. "Shit, is there a woman in this city you haven't slept with? So she was your first love?"

Alex ignored the first comment and shrugged.

"Oh, come on, Alex. Give me the scoop. "

Sighing, Alex took a drink of her now cooling coffee. "Not really my first love, but she was . . .oh, I don't know how to explain it . . ."

"The love of your life?" Karen offered helpfully. Alex was surprised at how not-jealous Karen was at this point. "Sure sounds like it."

"Maybe she was. I don't know. We haven't spoken in years. Not since she graduated from the academy."

"Damn," Karen said. "Well, she's right in your backyard. What's holding you back?"

"It's not that simple. A lot happened between us, and . . ."

Karen cut her off. "Bottom line is that if you want something, you should go for it," Karen stated simply.

Alex sighed again. "If only I had a set of brass balls like yours."

And Karen laughed, wiggling her eyebrows. "Oh no, honey. I am one hundred percent woman. All female. Hear me roar."

Laughing along with her, Alex wished Karen had never said anything about Olivia at all. She tried not to think about Olivia, because when she did, her heart filled with all sorts of regret and longing and feelings that she didn't know how to deal with. This conversation with Karen had been an emotion roller coaster, talking about Abbie and Olivia in one conversation was just too much. She needed to get to work and forget about all of it for a while.

…...

_**Olivia**_

Elliot pulled the car out of the parking lot, and as he did, he glanced over at Olivia. She looked straight ahead, and her hands were clammy out of nervousness. She knew she shouldn't have been nervous. It was just another day, another investigation. It shouldn't have been a big deal, going out on a job like this. But this was her first assignment on this job, with a real partner, investigating an actual rape. And on top of it all, she was pretty sure that Elliot had something against her. He probably just didn't want to be partnered up with a woman. Maybe he thought she couldn't keep up. He had been quiet the whole car ride so far.

"So, we're gonna be partners."

The statement came out of nowhere and Olivia wasn't expecting it. She turned her head to look at him, and he was staring straight ahead, focused on navigating his way through city traffic. There was no emotion or inflection in his voice, just the simple statement. What was she supposed to say to that?

"Yep, looks like it." It was the only thing she could think of to say.

"I guess we should get to know each other a little bit then."

"I guess so." This wasn't going well so far.

He glanced over at her as his hands tightened visibly on the steering wheel. She noticed his jaw clench and the muscle contracted extending all the way to his temple. Good to know. This was what he looked like when he was pissed. Or irritated. Or something.

"So tell me about yourself. Where do you come from? Where did you grow up?" He actually was trying to make an effort and Olivia appreciated that. She hadn't expected him to speak to her at all today and was surprised at his attempts.

"I grew up here in Manhattan. Went to high school at Cathedral and then played basketball at Siena College. Got into the academy right after that."

He glanced over at her again, sizing her up this time.

"Basketball, huh? Impressive." She nodded her head and looked out the window. It was always awkward getting to know someone like this. Being forced into a situation where they needed to be able to trust one another, needed to know each other backwards and forwards in order to be successful and safe. It would be a while before that kind of trust would be possible. Right now was all about getting through the day without any major problems.

"What about you?" Olivia asked, wanting to deflect the conversation away from herself.

He hesitated for just a split second and then answered. He seemed like the type who didn't like to talk about himself either. "I grew up in Bayside over in Queens. High school at Sacred Heart, got married to Kathy at seventeen and then went into the military right out of high school. Marines. Desert Storm."

Everything was so matter-of-fact, and Olivia didn't know how to make conversation with him. How was she supposed to make small talk when he had already answered every question she might have asked as he gave the short synopsis of his younger life? Were you even supposed to ask veterans about their service?

"And how many kids do you have now?" She heard that he had a bunch, but didn't know how many exactly.

"Four at the moment," Olivia didn't miss the fact that he couldn't hold back the proud smile from seeping onto his face at the mention of his children. He certainly was a family man, through and through.

"Planning on having any more?" she asked, tentatively.

He rubbed his free hand through his short hair and laughed. "I'm on a detective's salary. And Kathy stays at home with the kids. I can't afford any more children. Those parasites eat everything in sight."

Olivia laughed along with him and nodded her head. He couldn't have been much older than she was, and yet he had four children already. She couldn't imagine what it would be like to have that sort of responsibility.

"So how'd you get stuck over here at SVU?" he asked, the laughter gone out of his voice, but a hint of teasing remained. He knew as well as anyone what people thought about the 'Panty Police'.

Olivia glanced out the window, staring at the passing buildings and pedestrians on the sidewalk.

"My sergeant thought this was the right job for me. She somehow convinced me that I was a good fit for it."

As they pulled up to a stop light and the car idled, waiting for the green light, Elliot turned his head and regarded her quietly for a moment.

"Well, Cragen says you're damn good. But I guess we'll see if you can keep up with me."

This guy was a bastard, but she liked him already. Olivia smiled and squirmed a little in her seat, anxious to arrive at the apartment complexes where they were going to investigate the date-rape of a seventeen year old girl.

…..

Later that day, they had a suspect in the interrogation room. He had lawyered up right away, not giving Olivia and Elliot a shot at playing good cop, bad cop with him. Olivia had been looking forward to that since they brought him in. Now they were waiting outside the room, staring in at the guy through the two-way mirror, waiting for his lawyer to show up. Elliot was just telling her the kinds of douchebag defense attorneys that turned up to defend rapists and pedophiles.

Just then, Cragen walked around the corner and stopped in front of them.

"Just thought I'd let you know the newest ADA subleased to SVU is on her way over. She's from homicide."

Elliot took this in stride and nodded. "Okay, thanks Cap'n."

Olivia's eyebrows furrowed as he walked away. "Is it normal for a precinct to not have an ADA assigned specifically to them?"

Rolling his eyes Elliot continued to stare at the suspect seated at the cold metal table. "I don't know if you can tell just by looking around, Benson, but we're pretty drastically underfunded here. The DA sends his assistants where they'll be 'needed the most'. Or so he says."

"So SVU doesn't _need _ADAs as much as everyone else?" Olivia asked, her feathers beginning to ruffle.

Letting out a sarcastic laugh, Elliot shrugged his shoulders. "I've been asking the same question for a couple years, myself. Here's the thing: people don't care about rapes. Murders take up all the headlines. And to the DA, it's too damn hard to find evidence and to get the victims to talk about it."

"That's insane," Olivia said, ignoring the eyebrow raise he gave her. She was too riled up to notice how big Elliot's eyes grew as a tall, lithe, brunette woman walked in behind Olivia with a briefcase in her hand, listening to every word she said.

"It shouldn't matter how hard it is to find evidence. Rapists leave evidence. And you just have to know how to talk to the victims. They're just too afraid of the live ones. If only these damn lawyers weren't chicken-shit cowards, maybe SVU's closure rate would be higher."

"Who's this chicken-shit coward lawyer we're talking about?" A gravelly voice purred from somewhere behind Olivia.

She knew that voice. That voice and the face and body that accompanied it had lurked in her subconscious over the years, mocking Olivia with thoughts of her arms wrapped around a certain blonde. Whirling around, her eyes landed on the lanky brunette who was standing with her arms crossed and a smirk on her face. It must have been a strange thing for Elliot to witness, because the lawyer hadn't realized who it was she was addressing until the detective turned around. The smirk melted off Abbie Carmichael's face as she recognized the woman and realized that _Olivia_ was the new SVU detective McCoy had mentioned before she came over here.

The two of them still hadn't spoken and a good ten seconds had passed. Elliot decided to jump in.

"So you're the new ADA?" he asked as he stepped towards her and held out his hand. "I'm Detective Stabler."

Abbie shook her head minutely and turned her attention to him. She shook his hand firmly and gave him a tight-lipped smile. "Abbie Carmichael."

Elliot looked between the two of them. "So, I take it you two know each other?" He attempted to make that statement into somewhat of a joke, but neither of the women were laughing.

Finally, Olivia spoke. "Yeah, we, uh, met a few years ago."

Crossing his arms across his chest, Elliot raised his eyebrows and had to stop himself from letting out a low whistle. Clearly, these two women did not like each other.

"Okay, so shall we bring you up to speed on the case?"

Abbie nodded her head and stepped past Olivia, keeping her distance from the brooding detective as she moved to look through the two-way mirror.

….

About thirty minutes later, when the detectives had the opportunity to question the man in front of his lawyer, they were stopped in their tracks every time they thought they found an opening by the defensive attorney. ADA Carmichael had looked on, interjecting every now and then with her own thoughts, making notes on her legal pad as they went. Abbie had finally managed to make a deal with the suspect and his lawyer. He would give the whereabouts and names of everyone he knew at the party where a 17 –year-old girl was date-raped in exchange for dropping the charges against him. The house belonged to him and he was being charged with supplying alcohol to minors and a noise complaint from his neighbors. He claimed he was nowhere near the back room where the girl was found, bruised and disoriented the next morning, but he knew several guys who might have been. On top of everything else, he agreed, with a little extra prodding on the detective's part, to give a DNA sample to rule him out as the rapist.

They had to cut the guy loose after one of their lab techs took a mouth swab.

Elliot sat heavily into his chair and intertwined his fingers behind his head. Olivia took her own seat across from him and eyed Abbie wearily as she walked past them and towards Cragen's office.

"Back to square one, I guess," said Elliot with a sigh. He was watching Olivia carefully.

"I guess so. At least now we have names and addresses, though. That should narrow things down for us."

"Yeah, but it's late now. We'll see how many we can get through tomorrow morning."

Olivia nodded and rubbed her eyes wearily. Elliot leaned forward and looked around the room. Everyone else had already left for the evening.

"Hey, let's go down to O'Malley's and grab a couple beers before heading home, what do ya say?"

Olivia looked up at him and realized he was reaching out to her, trying to connect. He didn't dislike her at all. The earnest look in his eyes told her she could trust him and she was just nodding her head in agreement when Abbie came out of Cragen's office, taking her long cat-like strides towards them.

"Hey, Carmichael," Elliot said, smiling charmingly at her. "We were just headed to O'Malley's down the street for drinks. You care to join us?"

She stopped in front of Elliot's desk and looked back and forth between the two of them. The smirk had returned to her face as she did this.

"Well that all depends, Stabler. Who's buying? 'Cause I won't say no to a free drink."

Olivia stopped herself from staring, open-mouthed at Elliot as he shamelessly invited this woman to drinks with them when he knew they didn't care much for each other. She was satisfied to glare at him instead, shooting daggers with her eyes, wishing now that she could back out and just go home. But it was too late, they were both gathering their things to leave and she had already agreed to go.

As they made their way to the bar, Elliot and Abbie were chatting like old pals about college football and the new Bowl Championship Series that had just been instated for that season. Olivia halfway listened as they argued about the benefits and drawbacks of the system. The air was crisp and chilly, and Olivia was watching her breath fog up in front of her. She certainly wasn't looking forward to spending any more time than was necessary with Abbie Carmichael, but what could she do?

They found a corner booth towards the back of the bar and sat down. It was Friday night and people swarmed the bar, ready to enjoy their weekend, so they were lucky to get a table at all. Abbie and Elliot were still immersed in their conversation about football, and Olivia reached over to the middle of the table to mindlessly snack on some mixed nuts. Abbie was in the middle of the circular booth, and she and Elliot were on the outsides. Glancing up at her, watching her stare off into space, Elliot suddenly slapped his hands lightly on the table.

"I'm gonna go get the drinks. What would you two like?"

Olivia smiled at him politely and shrugged her shoulders. "Beer is fine with me."

He looked over at Abbie. She nodded her head. "Just get a pitcher. Doesn't matter what kind."

Elliot rubbed his hands together and made off for the bar. Olivia gave his retreating back the stink-eye, wondering what the hell he was thinking bringing Abbie here and then leaving the two of them alone together in a booth. Without any alcohol.

"So. . ." Abbie spoke first, obviously uncomfortable with the awkward silence between them. "I didn't realize you were a detective now."

Olivia didn't want to speak to her, but she had to be polite. "Yep, passed my exam a couple years ago. You graduated law school pretty recently too, didn't you?"

She didn't have to mention that she knew exactly when Alex had graduated from law school, and that she knew Abbie and Alex had probably graduated together. She just wanted to get through this conversation until Elliot could return with the beer.

"Yeah, pretty recent. Started off in Narcotics and then transferred over to Homicide."

Olivia had to ask. She needed to find out, either directly or not, whether or not Abbie and Alex were still together.

"What is she doing these days?" Olivia asked, avoiding saying Alex's name and then cringing at how it made her sound.

"Alex?" Abbie said, glancing up into dark eyes. Olivia nodded. "I heard she was over in Brooklyn at the Investigations Bureau. I haven't spoken to her in a while."

"Oh," was all Olivia could think of to say. She was relieved that they were no longer together, but she felt like an asshole for even asking. Obviously the two of them had broken up. The expression on Abbie's face told her that they'd both had their hearts broken by one Alex Cabot. She needed to change the subject, and fast.

"And so now they've got you slummin' it with us?" Olivia asked, eyebrow raised.

"Yep, apparently that's how it works," Abbie shrugged. "You were right, earlier. When you were talkin' about the DA's office needing to get their heads out of their asses and play fair with all the precincts."

This gave Olivia pause. Abbie was agreeing with her? She didn't say anything. She already felt like an idiot for calling Abbie a chicken-shit coward earlier.

"Look, I know we sort-of butted heads in the past," Abbie started, eyes roaming anywhere but Olivia's face. "But if we're going to be working together, can we just put all that behind us and forget about it?"

Taking a deep breath, Olivia let it back out in a quiet sigh. Abbie was right. She was being childish about something that happened a long time ago, something that wasn't even going on between Alex and Abbie anymore. Besides, she had definitely moved on from Alex. They had moved on from each other.

"Yeah, we can," Olivia said, looking at Abbie. Finally they made eye contact and Olivia felt bad about the way she'd been behaving. "It was a long time ago. Let's start over, then."

"Deal," Abbie said as she reached across the table and held out her hand. Olivia clasped it in her own and shook it once.

Just then, Elliot returned with a pitcher of golden liquid and three frosty glasses. He smiled at the two of them as he sat down.

"Glad to see the two of you have made up. Now, let's have some beer and you two can explain to me how exactly you know each other."

Olivia rolled her eyes and glanced over at Abbie, who shook her head as she reached out and took a glass.

"Nice try, Stabler. But it's a long story." Olivia said, reaching for the beer and pouring some first for Abbie and then for herself. She set it back down in front of Elliot for him to pour for himself. He frowned and scratched his head. He had a wife and three female children, but if there was one thing on this earth he still didn't understand, it was women.

"It was worth a shot. Ah well, let's just drink some beer then, shall we?"

…...

_A/N - I had fun writing this chapter. It was good to finally get a little free time and get back into this story. Hope you enjoy and thanks for sticking with me. _


	23. Chapter 23

_Sorry it's been so long. I don't know why I do this to myself. I pick the most convoluted episode to try and center my chapter around, and it's been horrible. Of course I would choose the pilot episode. Action packed and full of red-herrings. Ah well. I'll try really hard to get the next one out faster._

_The information from the stalking law comes from an article by D.J. Rosenbaum, a former ADA for Domestic Violence in Albany County._

_Let's see, if you don't feel like going back and reading the previous chapter . . . Previously, on You and Me Chapter 22, Elliot and Olivia get to know each other as partners, Karen Fitzgerald and Alex talk about Olivia Benson. And then Abbie Carmichael is assigned to work with SVU, so she and Olivia put aside their differences and have a few beers together. _

**Chapter 23 – 1999**

_Olivia - Wednesday_

Olivia woke to a noise, startled and disoriented. The damned alarm. It was obnoxious and she vowed to destroy the machine; it was the same routine every morning. _How can I do it today?_ she wondered. Throw it against the wall? Shove it viciously in the microwave and cook it for a few minutes? Drop it out the window? The opportunities were endless. She rubbed her eyes and rolled out of bed, set her feet on the cold hardwood floor. As she shook the sleep out of her head, Olivia's mind grew accustomed to her surroundings. She realized that it wasn't her alarm pounding through her ears at 3:30 in the morning. It was her cellular phone, ringing incessantly. It still hadn't stopped. The pounding rain outside did nothing to dull the sharp, clanging noise.

Groaning, she reached over and blinked at the display.

It was Elliot.

She was on call tonight, and this particular call could only mean one thing: she was about to go out in the rain.

…

Pulling on her ball cap, she flung open the sedan's door. _The rain is great when you're curled up inside listening to it… but this… this sucks _she thought as she trudged through a puddle and made her way to the wreckage of a car. It was wrapped around a telephone pole, steam billowing out of its engine. By now she could read Elliot's thoughts. They were the same as hers. Why the hell were they out here in the rain for a damned crash and a possible dead body?

They gave their names and badge numbers to the officer standing just inside of the yellow tape; looking over the wreckage, it didn't seem too bad. It should have only been a minor accident with minimal injuries. But, things rarely go as they should. The driver was definitely dead, lying on his back on the bench-style seat. His lower half was outside the car, covered by a police tarp that was getting drenched in the rain. It was so dark both outside and inside the car they couldn't make out the difference between blood and water on his clothing.

"Well, he's dead," Elliot said, peering into the car.

"So why are we here?" Olivia asked him, looking around at the damaged pole. "Homicide should be here by now."

"No, I called you guys specifically," a short, dark eyed cop told them seriously from the other side of the cab's open door. He was the reporting officer. A beat cop who just happened to stumble upon the unfortunate scene. The rain was so loud, neither one of them heard him walk up behind them. They turned and looked down at him. "White male, mid-thirties, multiple stab wounds. Cab ID with the name Victor Spicer. And this is a sex crime if I ever saw one."

"How so?" Elliot asked, looking closer into the car.

"Well, whoever killed him took a bit more than his life."

Eyebrow raised, Olivia glanced over at her partner, thinking she knew what the guy meant but not entirely sure. And she didn't want to ask.

"Look for yourself," he said simply, turning and walking off, probably to get out of the rain.

Olivia nodded at Elliot and he raised the tarp slowly, shining his flashlight over the body. One look for the both of them was plenty. His business had been cut short, and to top it off, someone had stabbed him more times than the two of them could count in the low light.

…

After they made sure the M.E. was on top of things and had the body photographed and on its way to the morgue, Elliot got behind the wheel of the sedan and Olivia climbed into the passenger seat.

"To the crib?" he asked, rubbing his eyes and glancing over at her. All she could do was yawn. She was dog-tired and hoped maybe they could catch a couple of hours in the bunks. When they got there, they each took a bunk and fell into it, relaxing and trying to get warm after all the cold rain.

After what seemed like two minutes, Olivia awoke for the second time that night/morning with a start. She opened her eyes slowly to none other than John Munch flicking the lights on and off. Glancing over at Elliot, she saw that she wasn't alone in all the blinking and looking around in confusion.

"Wake up sleepyheads," he called out in a sweet voice.

"You've got to be kidding," Elliot mumbled. "How long did we get this time?"

Olivia looked down at her watch and scratched her sleep-mussed hair. "A couple hours. It's six am."

He groaned and rolled off the bed, pulling his shoes back on.

…

Later that day, Elliot had to make a court appearance for the arrest of a man who was exposing himself to people in the park. While he was gone, Olivia made a trip to the hack bureau and weaseled some information about Victor Spicer. Turns out, and she told this to Elliot when he returned from court, that his license had been suspended for assault. Also, he was still in Rikers. Alive. The two of them took this information along with the driver's license into Cragen's office.

"I dunno, Cap," Elliot said, shrugging. "Apparently our dead guy is not who we thought he was."

"Are we sure about this?" Cragen asked as he took the ID from Elliot.

"I called Rikers and spoke to the warden. Spicer is definitely still there."

"Remind me again why this case is ours?" Cragen looked tired, but then again, they all were.

"Somebody sliced off the vic's unit." Elliot quipped. The captain didn't look surprised. He took everything in stride these days.

"He's got a rap sheet a mile long, though. Prostitution, petty theft, and he managed to get two of his clients arrested. Both of whom were married."

"So he's scum. But he's not dead scum," Cragen looked closer at the license and pulled out his pocket knife. He sliced open the card, revealing another photo underneath the vic's.

"Why don't the two of you take a trip to Rikers and ask the real Victor Spicer some questions." He handed Olivia the license with a sarcastic smile and they left the office wordlessly.

On the way over, they were quiet in the car. Olivia thought back on everything they had talked about in this very car. Short car rides were never the right time to talk about serious, personal things, but stakeouts were a different story all together. The conversations that took place between the two of them were surprisingly personal. They often joked about how long stakeouts and too much coffee made them delirious and forthcoming when they would otherwise be silent. And because they were both so similar, in that neither of them liked to show weakness or too much emotion, those conversations were pretty rare. But when they did happen, the two of them talked about Elliot's family and how much he loved them; Olivia could be blind and still realize that he would sacrifice himself in an instant for any of them. He had asked about her personal life a few times, but she was vague, not wanting to tell him just quite yet. She knew she would tell him sometime, but it was always _not now, not yet_, the time just wasn't right.

Eventually, on one particularly long and delirious stakeout, Elliot asked how she ended up in SVU, whether it was something she would want to do long term. She was quiet and vague, and he could see that he had struck a bit of a chord. It was odd for him to be the more talkative one. But after a few moments of nervously twitching her hands and staring blankly out the window, she turned to him and smiled.

"You tell me first," she had said, quietly.

So he did. He talked about why he had stayed on the unit for so long now, when the typical cycle for an SVU detective was about a year. The thought of his family and especially his children being at risk and young and innocent and vulnerable while there were rapists and pedophiles on the streets while he was still able to do something about it was the thing that kept him going.

"That's almost as good as mine," Olivia said. And she took a deep breath and trusted him with her dark past.

When she finished, he didn't know what to say. Finally, he spoke.

"You're right," he said. "That does trump mine."

She nodded and gave him a tight-lipped smile.

"Does Cragen know?" he asked. She nodded again.

"Yeah, I told him that first day I interviewed last year. He sort of sucks the truth right out of you, you know?"

"I know what you mean. He's just like a dad."

They both grew quiet then, Elliot silently kicking himself for bringing up fathers of any sort, and Olivia was lost in thought about just how much Cragen had become a father figure in her life.

Sirens wailing past and horns honking pulled her back to the present as they drove up to the gates of the prison and presented their IDs to the guard. Inside, they talked to Spicer about why a dead guy just happened to have his ID and why the picture was now different. Spicer didn't want to tell, but they softened him up a bit with promises of helping him get out a little earlier than usual. Finally he told them that he sold it to a guy with a kid tagging along. Went by the name of Stephen. He didn't get a very good look at the man, or so he said, but he did fess up that 'Stephen' was driving a cab. After a while, he was done talking and they didn't get much else out of him. Spicer had his seedy eyes on Elliot the whole time. He looked the detective up and down and winked.

"You doing anything Saturday night?" he asked seductively.

Elliot only smiled at him as he leaned in close. "Oh, I'd hurt you." And Olivia believed him.

….

_Alex - Wednesday_

"Name and occupation and location, please," an older, graying woman with reading glasses asked politely, holding her sharpie at the ready over a blank nametag.

Alex took a breath. She hated this kind of thing. Lawyer's conventions. Being social and kissing ass and all that.

"Alexandra Cabot, Investigations Bureau in Brooklyn."

"Lovely, thank you for coming. Here's your nametag." She said, sweetly, ripping the adhesive backing off and handing it to Alex.

"I have to wear this?" Alex leaned in and asked, not really wanting everyone here to know who she was.

"Yes, you do. Enjoy your stay." She was a no nonsense kind of lady. Like most older women Alex knew.

She wandered around, grabbing an orange juice from a complimentary snack table, until she finally saw a few people she knew from law school standing around in a circle. _Thank god_, she thought. She mingled with them for a while, catching up and chatting about what they had all been up to for the past couple years. Before long, the seminar was starting and the first speaker took the stage. They found seats near the middle and settled in, ready to listen, prepared to be bored for the next few hours.

"Excuse me, miss?" A deep voice spoke quietly from the row behind her. She turned around in her seat, thinking maybe she had dropped something and he was returning it. He was tall, she could see that even though he was seated. He had dark hair, eyes blue and clear, like clouds. He was staring at her earnestly.

"Yes?" she said. He leaned further even more, not wanting to disrupt the speaker or anyone listening to him ramble on about domestic violence and the like.

"Sorry to bother you, but I was just wondering if you had the time?"

Alex looked down at her watch; it was mid-morning, 10:30. Surely he should know what time the seminar speaker went on. He was here, after all. She told him the time.

He shook his head and smiled. "No, I meant . . . do you have the time to give me your number?"

She stared at him, not knowing what to say. Had he really just asked her that? After a few moments, she decided she needed to close her mouth.

"Uh, I don't think so," she said, turning around and trying to focus on the speaker. The girl next to her had heard the whole thing. She elbowed Alex in the ribs, grinning madly at her. Alex rolled her eyes and tried to listen.

….

_Olivia_

They finally got a phone call with lab results in from the victim's fingerprints, and there was a hit. The dead man's actual name was Stephen Panachek. On the way back from Rikers, Elliot and Olivia jotted down his address and headed that way to let his family know what had happened. His wife was torn up about it when they told her the news, and why shouldn't she be? Her husband had been brutally murdered and she and her son were now all alone in the city with no one. She told the two of them that Stephen was Czech. He was in the country illegally, and he was about to be deported. They consoled her as much as they could and then headed back to the station.

When they got there, Elliot sat down and immediately called Interpol about Panachek's information after finding out that he was illegal. While he finished up his phone call, Munch strode over and plopped a thick file down on Olivia's desk. It was the full autopsy report, and Olivia started leafing through the papers. As soon as Elliot hung up and told them that the Interpol people would call him back when they had something, Munch proceeded to tell them that he had done some detective work at the cab company. Apparently they had received a call the day of the murder asking what time Victor Spicer worked.

"Man or woman?" Olivia asked.

"Too high for a guy, too low for a woman," said Munch. "But my money's on whoever made that call is the one who killed Spicer or Panachek or whoever this guy was."

"Nice job, Munch." Olivia smiled, her voice dripping with good-natured sarcasm at Munch's observation.

"Yeah, really great detective work," added Elliot.

"So what about this autopsy," Olivia asked. "What do we know?"

"Thirty-seven stab wounds," said Munch, undeterred by the ribbing. "And the forensics report says there was part of a fingernail in the cab. Red nail polish."

"So we're looking for a woman?"

….

Olivia had to use the restroom after what seemed like her seventh or eighth cup of coffee that day, or night, or however long they had been at this now. By the time she had washed her hands and pushed her way through the throngs of officers and clerks clogging the hallway, she didn't see Elliot in the bullpen anymore. Munch glanced up at her over his glasses.

"Elliot wants you to meet him in the morgue." He said, grumpily.

"Right now?" Olivia asked.

"Yes, right now. And don't ask any more questions. Nobody tells me anything around here, so I don't know the answers." He turned back to his files and continued to read.

Jeffries shrugged at her and rolled her eyes. Olivia knew that look well: _it's Munch . . . what can you do?_

So she rode the elevator downstairs and waited patiently for it to open up in the basement, where most police stations kept their morgues. She found him in the main exam room, standing over a man's half-covered body.

"What's up?" she asked as she pushed open the door and grimaced. Cold, formaldehyde scented air washed over her face. Even after years of being around blood and gore, the smell of formaldehyde and death still got to her a little.

"Interpol got back to us on our guy," he said, still staring at the body.

"Yeah? What did they say?"

"Stephen Panachek wasn't Stephen Panachek," he said seriously.

Olivia was confused. She followed Elliot's gaze the pale body. "Okay, so first he wasn't Victor Spicer and now he's not Stephen Panachek. Who is this guy?"

"His name is Stephan Tansic." He said it without explanation, his voice still dull and serious.

"Am I supposed to recognize the name?"

"He's a Serb, under indictment for war crimes."

"What did he do?" Finally, Elliot looked up at her. And then she knew without having to ask any more questions what it was he probably did. Elliot wouldn't be acting like this if it was something else.

"He conducted an ethnic cleansing." He paused, sounding as if he wanted to elaborate but had to hold himself back.

"He was a rapist." Olivia clarified for him. It was very clear now. He was in huge trouble for what he did back in Serbia and he somehow managed to escape and find refuge in the United States. But someone he tortured had caught up to him.

"How many women?"

"Sixty-seven." Olivia breathed out through her nose. It was one thing to work with live victims or even dead ones, where she could say without hesitation that no one deserved to be raped or forced against their will. And no one deserved to be put to death without a fair trial. But this . . . this was something else. This was different. It shouldn't have been different, but it was. Especially for her.

"Fifteen are still alive. Five of them are here in the New York area."

Olivia stared at the dead body, hating every bit of him. Just then, the medical examiner came in with another sheet. She handed it to Olivia. It was an addition to the autopsy report.

"I hate to complicate your lives," she said, pulling back the sheet on the body and showing them his puncture wounds. "But you're looking for more than one killer."

"You're kidding," Elliot said, taking the sheet from Olivia and glancing it over.

"Nope. Two different knives. One five inch blade and one seven inch."

.. . .

Their next order of business was to go back and talk to the wife, see how much she really did know about her husband. Olivia was pissed, understandably and took it out on Stephen Tansic's wife. Talking to her, Olivia was unable to hold back her frustration. This woman knew about her husband's past transgressions, she knew that he had been indicted for war crimes and everything that entailed. She helped him hide his previous identity and become a resident of the United States, and the part that grated Olivia the worst was that she was so sure her husband was a great man and a wonderful father.

"Let me ask you this," Olivia said, her face growing hot with anger. "What was it like sleeping with a man who raped dozens of defenseless, terrified women?"

The look on the woman's face was filled with shame and understanding and denial.

"My husband is dead."

"And you know why."

Now she grew angry, she stood up and pointed at the door.

"Get out of my house."

….

Outside, Elliot glared at Olivia over the hood of the car.

"Well that's dumbest move I've ever seen you make." Olivia knew he was right. But she couldn't help the anger she felt. It was the same anger she felt towards every rapist she came across in this sordid line of work. Elliot went on as they stood outside the car.

"If she drops the dime on you, you're out walking on beat. You just verbally assaulted the wife of a murder victim."

"She lied to a police officer, if anything she's guilty of obstruction." Olivia knew she had to find some way of making what she had done right. But deep down, she knew she had done the wrong thing, had let her anger get the best of her.

"You are walking on very thin ice right now." Elliot said, warningly.

"How's that?" But he didn't answer. He didn't have to answer. Olivia knew what he meant. Cragen was worried about how she would handle this case, and his concerns were valid, as much as she hated to admit it.

"Fine. Let him take me off the case." She said, opening her car door.

"You don't want to do that. You take yourself off this case and you're taking yourself out of the unit." Olivia looked up sharply. Surely he wasn't serious. But the look on his face told her otherwise.

"We don't get to pick the vic. His words, not mine."

Clenching her jaw, she gripped the door.

"I'm a good cop, Elliot." He looked right into her eyes as he got into the car.

"Yeah, I know."

….

After she had a bit of a rough time talking to another of Tansic's victims, one who was blind and terrified at the mere mention of Stephen Tansic, Olivia held it together up until they got outside the apartment complex. She lost her lunch in the alley next to the building, physically sick at the thought of what that man had done to so many women. Knowing full well that Elliot's eyes were glued to her back and that he was thinking about how she might be unfit to take on this case, she wiped her mouth and walked back towards the car, ready to get back to business. She had to lock this experience away, far away so that she didn't have to think about it anytime soon.

"That woman was physically incapable of killing that pig," she said as she stepped out into the street and opened her door. "Who's next?"

Elliot seemed satisfied enough and steered them out into traffic and towards yet another victim. This one's name was Marta and she wasn't home. Marta's husband was, however, and he told the detectives that she was at work and wouldn't be back until later that night, possibly even the next morning. She was working on a big project at her architecture firm.

"Can you have her give us a call?" Elliot asked as he handed the husband his card. The man nodded, and then looked up as a young boy walked into the room. Elliot took one look at the boy and glanced quickly over at Olivia, who was staring intently at him. Their eyes met and Olivia knew at once that Elliot was thinking the same thing she was.

"This is my stepson," the man said, reaching down and ruffling the kid's hair. "My wife's first husband died."

Down on the street, Olivia took a deep breath of the city air. She rubbed her temples in frustration.

"Stephen Tansic is the father of that boy," Olivia said. The kid looked exactly like the boy they had met at Stephen Tansic's, then Panachek's, apartment.

"That doesn't change anything," Elliot said quietly, looking up briefly to catch the look on Olivia's face.

"I'm on the job, Elliot."

"I know," he said and then checked his watch. "Hey I've got a conference at Dickie's school. You want me to drop you off on the way over?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, I think I'm gonna walk for a while. See you later."

She put her phone to her ear as she walked and waited for the dispatcher to answer.

"I need an address."

….

Her emotions were complicated. The desire to prove herself and show Elliot and Cragen and everyone else who thought she was too damaged or weak or female or fucked up that she could handle this was throbbing beneath her skin. At the same time, she wanted revenge on goddamned Stephen Tansic for everything he did to all those women, she wanted to kill him again, to participate in the stabbing. But those were emotions she needed to hold inside. Right now she needed to be clear headed when she spoke to Marta, devoid of any emotion except that of wanting to help and wanting to find the truth.

Getting into the building was no problem, and neither was finding Marta herself. All she had to do was ask. The room was modern with clean lines and cold metal everywhere. It was obviously an architect's office. Marta, a medium height, short-clipped and dark haired woman, stood over a desk with a mug in her hand, examining what looked like blueprints for a building. She turned and pursed her lips curiously when Olivia approached her.

"Hi, I'm Detective Olivia Benson,"

"How can I help you?" she said in a firm voice, her dark eyes and heavy eastern European accent giving nothing away.

Olivia decided to approach the situation with a take charge attitude. She would be all-business, no bullshit.

"Just want to talk to you. Is there someplace more private?" Olivia gestured to Marta's fellow workers nearby. She nodded and led Olivia up a set of stairs to what looked like a break room, complete with a coffee maker and a small refrigerator.

"What's this about?" she crossed her arms, defensive immediately, Olivia noted.

"Just wanted to ask you a few questions. Can I see your hands?" Anyone attacking a man with a knife was bound to get some sort of secondary wounds on her hands. Marta turned her hands over, revealing their flawless skin, no marks or cuts or nail polish at all. Olivia frowned. Another tactic, perhaps.

"I think you know why I'm here."

Marta shook her head, playing innocent. "I have no idea."

"Stephen Tansic is the father of your son." Olivia expected a reaction at this, but Marta was stone-faced. Completely cold.

"No, Robert is his father." But Olivia would not be deterred.

"Where were you Tuesday night?"

"Right here, I have presentation."

"How late?"

"Very late, about one o'clock."

"Was anyone here with you?" Finally she was looking a bit frazzled. Finally Olivia was getting under her skin and could see that Marta was nervous.

"Why are you asking?"

"Stephan Tansic was murdered Tuesday night."

"I didn't know he was in New York."

"He was stabbed to death. His genitals were cut off."

Now she glanced off to the side, an uncomfortable look dancing across her face.

"So?"

"So I can . . . " she started, but Marta cut her off. She seemed unable to hold it in any longer.

"How would you feel if your next door neighbor raped you for three weeks and the government gave him a medal for it?"

"He was your neighbor?"

"Garacevo went insane, and I was in a refugee camp. And Tansic was an officer in the Serb army. His unit came into the village. Took all the men, old men and boys over seven. Machine gunned them.

Took all the women and children and put them in trucks. Picked me out, said I was too pretty to be put in a tent. He raped me every night for 23 days. He did it with whatever was there. A wrench. A pistol. A broom handle."

She paused and took a deep breath, and Olivia couldn't look away, she couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Every day he would handcuff me to his bed and I hoped that maybe he would shoot me instead of using me. So, no. I'm not sorry he's dead."

Tears prickled at the back of Olivia's eyes and her throat was constricting with emotion. She had to get out of there. This was too much.

"Anything else?"

"No. Not at the moment." Olivia said, finally tearing her eyes away and making her way down the stairs.

….

_Alex_

They met up at a nearby bar later. It was one of the few in the area and it often catered to officers of the law and lawyers alike, so needless to say, the place was crammed full of lawyers from the convention.

She didn't have to leave until the next morning, had booked a room for the night down the block, so Alex was ready to have a little fun with her old classmates.

Someone ordered shots and they stood in a circle near the bar, toasting to anything they could think of, to the Constitution, to New York, to Harvard, to America, to nights we'll never remember! Alex gasped as the alcohol burned down her throat. In the middle of a conversation with the same woman sitting with her earlier during the seminar, the woman inclined her head in a direction behind Alex.

"Hey, I think that guy really has the hots for you." Turning, Alex knew right away that she shouldn't have looked. It was the same guy from earlier, the tall clear-eyed one, the one now staring at her predatorily. Like a tiger staring at a baby gazelle. As soon as she made eye contact, he stood up from the stool he was sitting on and walked over to her.

"Shit, shit, shit," she said, trying to hide behind her companion, scanning the area for a way out. There was no escape, and then he was standing in front of her, holding his drink, a whiskey on the rocks it looked like.

"Sorry about the terrible pick-up line earlier," he said with a self-depracating smile. "Can I buy you a drink to make it up to you?"

Alex hesitated. And she finally decided, _eh, what the hell._

"One drink," she said. "And then I'm back to my friends."

He nodded. "One drink."

Standing at the bar next to her, he leaned on one elbow and smiled. "It's Cabot, right?"

She tried to ignore how creepy it was that he knew her name. Nodding, she accepted the drink from him and took a tentative sip. "And you are?"

"Trevor Langan," he said confidently. She kept nodding, realizing that he was quite handsome up close, especially in the dark lighting of the bar. He seemed to recognize that her animosity was lessening as the minutes ticked on. They kept talking, chatting about different things, law schools, where each of them worked, and then finally the questions she was dreading.

"So are you dating anyone right now?" he asked, looking down disarmingly at his drink.

Again, Alex hesitated. Was she? "It's uh . . . complicated. So, sort of."

He nodded, holding up a finger towards the bartender, indicating that he wanted another. "Understandable. Lots of relationships are complicated. But you're not exclusive?"

Alex had to think about it, and then realized that she needed to let Trevor know that she was not going to be dating any men anytime soon, and so she was not even remotely interested. She didn't want him to get the wrong idea, he was nice, funny, laid-back, even if he was a defense attorney, and Alex didn't want to hurt his feelings.

"I'm really not available. And besides, I'm sorry, Trevor, but I'm gay," she said, giving him a small smile. He didn't seem too upset about this news, in fact he hardly reacted at all, he simply took another sip of his drink. As he turned, Alex thought she heard him mumble something that sounded suspiciously, like _we'll see about that _but she couldn't be sure. The whiskey had gone to her head and she wasn't terribly concerned about it, besides he had his bar tab receipt already and was paying out.

"You sure I can't convince you otherwise?" he asked, sliding the paper towards the bartender. She shook her head, glancing purposely at her colleagues a little ways down the bar. Turning back to him, he looked her up and down, smiled sweetly and left. Alex couldn't decide if she found him creepy or just a regular guy trying to pick up a girl in a bar.

….

Later in her hotel room, she dialed Karen's number. She picked up on the 2nd ring.

"Hello?" she said, as if she didn't have caller I.D. on her cell.

"Hey, what's going on?" Alex asked, cradling the phone between her head and shoulder, while she took off her makeup and got ready for bed.

"Oh, you know, the usual," Karen said. "Just getting ready for my trial tomorrow."

"You nervous?" Alex joked, knowing the answer already.

"Me? Hell no. But I don't want to talk about that. What about you, how was your seminar convention thing?"

Alex sighed. It had been a long day.

"It was good. I got a ton of information about the new law, met up with some of the people behind getting it passed into law."

"Good, good," Karen said. "So you've started on the article? You're a badass, by the way, writing for the Times. I've always wanted to do that."

Laughing, Alex shook her head. "It's only a guest spot. But no, I haven't started. I joined up with everyone at the bar earlier and also I've been drinking with a defense attorney."

"You're kidding. I couldn't tell you were drunk."

"I'm not really, just buzzed."

"Hmmm. Who was she?" Alex detected some jealousy in her voice.

"Oh, no it was a guy."

"A guy." She sounded skeptical.

"Yeah. Trevor Langan." She heard a loud laugh on the end of the line.

"What?" Alex asked.

"_The _Trevor Langan? Holy shit, he's such a sleeze-bag!"

"You know him?"

"Of course I know him, we work in the same place pretty much every day."

Just then a knock sounded at her door. "What was that?" Karen asked.

"Someone's at the door. Hold on," Alex got up off the bed and looked through the peephole. _No way._

"It's him," alex whispered. Trevor Langan was standing outside his door, looking at his feet with a bottle of wine in his hand.

"You told him your room number?"

"No!" Alex said, louder than she intended. "No. I didn't even tell him what hotel I was staying at."

"Did he follow you?"

"God, I hope not. I straight up told him I was gay, too!" She was taking too long and Trevor started to get antsy. He knocked again.

"What do I do?" Alex asked, desperate now.

"Shit. I don't know. You think he's gonna kill you or something?"

"I don't know think so. He doesn't look dangerous."

"Seems sketchy. This sounds like an SVU case waiting to happen."

"I know. I'm not opening it."

Karen chuckled into the phone. "He might be a good fuck though."

Exhaling heavily through her nose, Alex scratched her head. "Shut up, Karen. I had quite enough of men in college."

"I bet you did," Alex deadbolted the door as quietly as she could and peeked once more through the peephole. He was gone.

….

_Olivia_

She had to call Elliot right away to let him know what she had done. He was pissed of course, that Olivia had gone off by herself and probably gone about the whole interrogation the wrong way and Olivia could just picture him standing up and distancing himself from Kathy and the teacher. Kathy's face loomed in her mind's eye, glancing over at him with pursed lips, frustrated at him for interrupting yet another parent teacher conference. When she hung up the phone, she felt bad for pissing him off but a little better about the whole situation. He knew now and could take as much time as he needed to get over his anger.

But what she didn't feel so good about was what she had waiting for later in the evening. She agreed to have dinner with her mother, as bad an idea as that probably was. Regardless of how the thought of being near her sometimes physically and verbally abusive mother who doubled as an angry alcoholic, Serena was still her flesh and blood. Olivia didn't have much along the lines of family, and she felt the need to hold on to what she did have. The past year, Olivia swallowed her pride and anger at everything that had happened between them and reached out to Serena. She was intermittently attending her AA meetings and she had good days along with bad days. But Olivia never gave up completely.

At the restaurant, Olivia was pleasantly surprised at how well-put together her mother was. It wasn't often she was considerably sober and fit to carry on a decent conversation. And as they sat down and talked to each other, Olivia realized that this, thank god, was a good day. They spoke about all kinds of things. The weather, the AA meetings, the food, the people sitting at tables around them, and finally, they came to the topic of work. Olivia needed more than anything to talk to someone about it. It was getting to her. The Captain saw it, Elliot saw it, and she knew it better than anyone.

So she defied her instincts to shut her mother out and talked about it, told her all about Tansic and what he did to the women, how he abused his power and abused them, ruined their lives. She even talked about Marta and her little boy, how she couldn't find it in her heart to want justice for the man who had brutally raped so many innocent women.

"Do you think she killed him?" Serena asked as she slowly sipped a glass of water.

"There's not a doubt in my mind. The little boy . . . I know Tansic is the father. He looks exactly like the other kid we met, Tansic's other son. God, I wish I was in the cab with her."

Her mother hesitated, her eyes were intense as she looked at Olivia. "I wish you would get out of that unit."

"Come on, mother . . ." Olivia started, pushing her plate away, not wanting to start a fight over that right now, not when things were going so well.

"Do you really think it's healthy?"

"You were raped for god's sake!" Olivia said in a quiet, but firm voice. Her mother should understand better than anyone what Marta had been through.

"I understand it, but that does not mean I condone it." _Here we go,_ thought Olivia. _The high and mighty English professor is here for a visit._

"Are you saying you wouldn't have done the same thing?"

Serena hesitated, thoughtful. "Let me ask you something. Do you think that little boy will be better off with his mother in prison? Would _you_ have been better off with me in prison?"

Olivia didn't know how to answer that. She thought she might have been better off, in some ways, all the drunken spiteful words, the glass bottle, the neglect. But without her mother and all of her baggage, Olivia wouldn't be anywhere near the woman she was today, wouldn't have the strength to deal with situations and cases like this. She could only think of one way to answer.

"I hate him for what he did to you."

Reaching across the table, Serena did something that Olivia had only experienced a few rare times in her life. She held onto Olivia's hand and squeezed it lovingly.

"So do I. But if it weren't for him, you would not be here."

….

_Alex- Thursday_

The wax paper flew across the room in a perfect arc, it whizzed over her discarded heels on the floor and the chairs set across from her for visitors. It bounced off the wall and landed neatly in the trash can. Alex silently pumped her fist in the air. _Still got it_, she thought as she finished up the last bite of her sandwich and wiped her mouth with a paper napkin.

Clearing off her desk and reshuffling her papers, Alex took a deep breath and focused again on her task. The New York Times had asked the DA's office to write an article explaining the new stalking law set to go into effect in December. People were wondering about the details of the law and the Times set out to clarify the details. Her boss asked her two days previously to write the article so that everyone, regardless of their background, would understand what it meant. It was a serious undertaking, having something she wrote published in a major newspaper and she was anxious about it.

Despite the anxiety, she was passionate about this new law and was proud to be a part of all the excitement. The legislature was currently working on criminalizing several different stalking behaviors. Now threatening someone, especially someone involved in a relationship, and other kinds of criminal conduct like repeatedly following or trying to get into contact with a victim in order to inflict emotional and physical harm upon them, would be punishable by law. There were all kinds of complicated different degrees of severity and the consequences for these offenses varied depending on how bad the offense was and whether the offender had a record.

So she was stressing out, trying to get all her information lined up and correct so the article wouldn't be a complete piece of shit. She hadn't done anything like this since her college English classes and was a little lost. A friend of hers from law school was working in Manhattan in the Domestic Violence division. Her plan was to go over to Manhattan today and get some extra information from someone working hand in hand with victims affected by stalking. Afterwards, she and Karen planned to meet up and have drinks.

….

_Olivia_

The next and final victim, Natalya, living in the New York area had her own restaurant, a place called Sarajevo. They hadn't forgotten that the medical examiner believed Tansic died at the hands of two killers, one of them left-handed. So in addition to Marta, whom they now believed to be one of those killers, the other one was still out there.

About twenty minutes before, Olivia arrested Marta based on the things she told her the day before. She didn't want to. It was the last thing she wanted to do, in fact. But she had to do her job. She had to, as much as she hated it, get justice for Stephen Tansic. The look on Marta's face when she read the woman her Miranda rights would haunt her for years to come. So she had Munch and Cassidy stand with Marta outside the restaurant. The plan was to scare Natalya into thinking she had no way out, that she was caught and had no choice but to come with the detectives and confess.

Olivia and Elliot approached her as she reached around lunch-time diners to hand them their plates. She looked up at them expectantly.

"Cops?" Her voice was raspy, like a smoker's.

"Yes ma'am," Elliot said. "We've got a few questions about a man named Stephen Tansic."

"Tansic," she said thoughtfully. "Yes, I knew him years ago. In Yugoslavia. He killed my husband and three-year-old with a hatchet."

Olivia glanced over quickly at Elliot's expression but if he was shocked by this quick reveal of information, he was no longer showing it. "And where were you Tuesday night?"

"Here, working." She was straight to the point. A no-messing-around kind of woman. But Elliot noticed the bandage on her left hand, and he didn't miss the red polish on her nails either. Finally, the connection they had been looking for.

"How did you hurt your hand?" Olivia asked.

"Kitchen accident. And if you'll excuse me. I have work to do." She brushed past them and moved behind the counter to continue filling orders, writing something down in a notebook with a slightly shaky hand.

Elliot watched her and then moved closer to Olivia, so that Natalya couldn't hear.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"The story fits, but she's not left handed. She's over there right now writing with her right hand. The wound is on her left hand."

Shaking his head, he inclined his head towards the woman.

"Yeah, but you didn't see her handwriting. It looked like five-year-old's. She's definitely left-handed."

"Well, let's do it then."

Olivia leaned around the corner and made eye contact with Munch. Nodding at him, he helped Marta out of the car and positioned her in plain sight outside the restaurant. She and Elliot approached Natalya again. The pulled her away from her customers to speak to her again. Now Marta was in her direct line of sight. Olivia saw her eyes glance over and take in the wide-eyed woman flanked by the two detectives on the street. She felt the need to help Natalya out.

"Don't talk to anyone without your lawyer," she said quietly.

"Am I under arrest?" Natalya asked, pulling away from Olivia and staring intently at both her and Elliot.

"You have the right to rem . . . " Olivia started, but Natalya cut her off.

"Let me call my lawyer first," she said, moving towards the phone on the wall. Elliot nodded and glanced around at the restaurant.

The next few moments were a blur.

Olivia would look back on that moment and wonder what she could have done differently, how she could have stopped the situation from going downhill so quickly.

Natalya took one more look outside at Marta and grabbed a large knife from the counter nearby. Before anyone could stop her, she stabbed herself right in the leg, severing the femoral artery immediately. Elliot tried to stop the bleeding, and the enormous gush of blood all over his hands and all over the floor was overwhelming. Knowing full well that she was finished, she begged him to let her die, not to help her.

…

In the interview room, Olivia felt the cold metal of the interview table beneath her hands. She had to consciously stop her feet from tapping out a nervous tattoo on the cement floor beneath her. The scene she had just witnessed was unsettling and she was in a bit of shock from seeing what a person was capable of doing to themselves when they were backed into a corner like a frightened, caged animal. A sideways glance at Abbie told her all she needed to know. They were not going to push certain issues, were not going to try and get her to say everything. They were going to get only what they needed, because both of them knew what this woman had been through. Olivia had, of course, background and history with sexual assault; hell, she was a product of rape. She had no idea that Abbie had her own background with sexual assault. Regardless of their lack of knowledge about the other's history, the two public servants held a mutual understanding that they would not push the woman any further than they needed to.

Her voice trembled as she described what she and Natalya had done in the cab. She talked about recognizing his voice in the cab and that before she knew what was happening, her companion was reaching across the front seat and stabbing him, over and over and over. And then she was stabbing him over and over and over. All she could see in her mind was the memory of him pushing into her, again and again, forcing her against her will.

Olivia looked over at Abbie, saw the expression on her face and knew somehow that they both might have done the same thing if they had been in this woman's shoes. "I think we've got enough, don't you?"

Nodding, Abbie stood up. She didn't ask why the two of them were carrying around knives in their purses. She had the confession she was looking for and it was all she needed to get the charges dropped from a premeditated homicide down to manslaughter. After everything the woman had been through, it was the least she could do. Olivia didn't ask either for the same, unspoken reasons.

…

A breeze filled Olivia's nostrils with refrigerated air as she walked out into the hallway of the courthouse. She ran a hand through her hair and breathed a sigh of relief. Abbie had been right, Anya would be joining her husband and son at home this evening.

"Olivia Benson."

Olivia heard the voice behind her and turned around. The voice was familiar but vague. It triggered a vivid memory in her brain of colliding with someone around a corner, of the excitement of meeting someone new and hopeful of what might come of it. Karen Fitzgerald was smiling at her, striding towards her in heels and a sharp pantsuit.

"Hey. Karen, wow."

Karen's eyebrow rose comically. She looked down at herself.

"That good, huh?" she asked out of the side of her mouth. They stood a couple feet apart now, awkward like acquaintances typically are when they meet up again. Olivia smiled, the humor she remembered so vividly when they first met was still there, the quick playfulness and easy banter.

"It's just . . . how long has it been since we ran into each other that first time?" Olivia asked.

"Oh, I don't know, a year, a year and a half maybe. Time flies doesn't it?"

"Yes, it certainly does. So how are you?"

"I'm wonderful, actually. Kicking ass on all my cases, as usual, you know how it is." Karen shrugged her shoulders and rolled her eyes.

"That's great," Olivia said, smiling. "You know, we never did get the coffee we talked about that morning."

Karen gave a half-smile and nodded her head slightly. Olivia detected some hesitation in her but couldn't place where it was coming from. Maybe she was taken now.

"Ah, yes. You're right, we never did," she said quietly.

"So?" Olivia asked, feeling like she shouldn't have to ask twice, but pushing forward anyway. Couldn't hurt to have a cup of coffee or a beer maybe.

"I would love to, I really would, but actually right now I'm supposed to meet someone. Someone that I'm sort of seeing."

"Sort of seeing someone," Olivia nodded, realizing that she should have known better. "Of course you are. Gorgeous woman like you doesn't stay on the market long, does she?"

"I suppose not," Karen laughed, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. "You're doing all right, though, Olivia? How is everything in the detective world?"

Olivia shrugged, searching the woman's face for any more clues into her personal life. "Saving the world, one day at a time."

"Of course you are," Karen said, repeating Olivia's line back to her. "Well, it was good seeing you again. I'm sure I'll see you around court soon."

"That's what you said last time."

Karen winked at her and brushed past, walking on towards the staircase. Olivia watched her for a moment as she made her way gracefully up the stairs, finally turning and heading towards the front doors. She thought she might call Elliot and the rest of the squad to see if they might want to hang out tonight. It would be better than going back to her empty apartment all alone.

. . . . . . . . . …

_Alex_

Her heels clacked on the marble floor as she stepped down the hallway, leaving the DA's office and walked towards the stairs. She was supposed to meet Karen here for dinner later and didn't want to be late. It was a nice coincidence that she had business to attend to over in Manhattan for a change and they would have the opportunity to meet up. The relationship remained as Karen dictated from the beginning, that is, not a relationship at all, really, but more of a friends with benefits type of thing.

And who should be walking up the stairs at that very moment, but Karen herself, in her perfectly tailored suit with her trademark crisp white shirt beneath, collar open and inviting.

"Did you win?" Alex asked as they approached each other.

"I always win," Karen said confidently as she leaned against the rail, looking Alex up and down.

"Good," Alex said with a smile. "I meant to be downstairs waiting for you, but I had to finish up with . . ." she trailed off, eyes fixated downstairs at the door. She wasn't sure if she saw what she thought she saw. But it certainly looked like a flash of brown hair, a tall muscular body, broad shoulders for a woman, and that unmistakable swagger. What really gave it away was the hand pushing through the shiny brown hair as she pushed through the doors out into the street. Alex would know that walk and that particular, stressed out gesture anywhere.

"Ah," Karen said, craning her head around to follow Alex's gaze. "See something familiar down there?"

Alex tore her eyes away, even though the figure had long disappeared from her sight. She looked at Karen in confusion.

"What do you mean?" she asked, brows furrowed.

"I mean, Olivia Benson was down there just now. _The_ Olivia Benson."

"Olivia," the word came out almost as a whisper. "You talked to her?" Alex asked, slightly incredulous. She knew it was a possibility that she might see Olivia somewhere near here, seeing as she worked at SVU now, but she didn't think it would actually happen.

"Of course I talked to her," Karen snorted. "We know each other from way back. I turned her down just now, when she asked me if I'd like to have a drink. Told her I was 'sort-of' in a relationship." And at this, Karen laughed.

Alex just stared at her and didn't know what to say.

"But . . . I thought you two had only run into each other once, a while back?" Alex asked, confused.

"Yes, that's right. But I didn't want to get her hopes up by having a drink with her or anything. That would be an awkward situation, wouldn't it? Me sleeping with the both of you?" Karen chuckled to herself.

"That's not very funny, Karen," Alex said, glaring at her companion.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry," she said and squeezed Alex's arm. "That's really why I told her no. I want to be with you tonight."

Smiling distractedly, Alex walked next to Karen as they made their way down the stairs and towards the street, following the same path Olivia had just taken.

But that night, Alex had a hard time focusing on Karen or anything she was saying at dinner. Seeing Olivia earlier had thrown her off. _How long has it been now?_ She asked herself. She couldn't help but wonder what Olivia was doing at that moment, why she had been stressed out, what cases she might be working on.

Later, at Alex's apartment in Brooklyn (Alex had to work in the morning and Karen didn't), in the throes of her climax, Alex did something she would regret and cringe over for years and years to come.

She was caught up in the moment, fantasizing that the hands touching her body and the lips giving her pleasure were someone else's. It wasn't the first time she pretended a lover was someone else. She had been playing this game since college and her stretch of frat boys. The lover was different sometimes but the fantasy was always the same. Those haunting dark brown eyes, the incredibly soft lips wrapping around a mouth and teeth and tongue that could inflict pain as quickly as pleasure. The hands. God the hands. Rough, yet gentle hands that knew Alex's skin like her own. The moans and cries of pleasure were based off the figments of her imagination, and in this particular fantasy she was truly carried away. encase

Karen was under the covers, her mouth encasing Alex's aching bundle of nerves, and Alex's hands were threaded through her hair, pulling her closer as she tumbled closer and closer to the edge. But in her fantasy, it wasn't Karen in bed with her at all. It was someone else, someone who had been on Alex's mind not just that day after seeing her finally in person, but for years, ever since they went their separate ways.

She came hard, her muscles clenched and pleasure rocked through her body.

"God, Liv. Yes." She cried out into the darkness of her bedroom. Aftershocks of pleasure pulsed through her and she didn't feel the stiffening of her partner until several moments later. Karen crawled back up and out from under the comforter, her hair all mussed and her mouth shiny and moist. Brows furrowed and her expression held disgust and confusion. Alex couldn't ponder at that moment why Karen would be looking at her like that.

"What the fuck, Alex?" Her voice was hard, angry, hurt. Only then did Alex realize what she had done. _Oh shit._ She had no idea how to explain the words that had come out of her mouth. There was no explanation. It had never happened to her before, she had been so careful, so diligent, so sure that her secret fantasies were hidden deep inside where no one could see. And now they had bubbled up to the surface, right out into the open at the worst possible moment. There was no mistaking what she had said, not after seeing Olivia earlier that day.

"Karen, I'm so sorry." She said, reaching out to the woman next her.

"No," Karen said, throwing her hands away as she pushed back the covers and stood up, searching for her clothes in the half-light streaming in from the window. "Fuck no."

"Please, don't," Alex said, not wanting Karen to leave. Not like this.

"Don't what?" she asked angrily, pulling her pants on roughly and bending down to pick up her blouse. "Don't leave? After what just came out of your mouth?" She laughed, a barking, sarcastic laugh.

"I don't think so. I know this was supposed to be just a fuck buddy type of thing and it shouldn't matter, but . . . " she trailed off for a moment, staring at Alex who was sitting up in bed, clutching the blanket to her body. "But I . . . I don't know. That's just messed up. It's really fucked up."

"Karen, please," Alex repeated her name as if it would erase what she said earlier. "Don't go. It's late, and it's a long way back to your apartment."

She was pulling her shoes on when she paused. "It is late, you're right. But I'll be up half the night anyway thinking about what you just did, so it doesn't matter. Goodbye, Alex."

Alex buried her head in her hands. She knew she should go after Karen, but she couldn't find the willpower to get out of the bed. _What good would it do anyway?_ _Fuck._ _How do I always end up hurting people like this?_ She asked herself as the door to her apartment opened and slammed shut a second later. She finally swung her legs over the side of the bed and walked to the door, making sure it was dead-bolted. Her feet took her to the window that looked down on the street. Karen was down there on the sidewalk, hailing a cab and stepping into it without a backwards glance back at Alex's building.

_A/N – thanks for sticking with this story, if you've been with me from the beginning. I appreciate your patience. If you're new, welcome aboard! I'll try to update soon. _


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

_A/N - The newest update. Hot and fresh off the press. Enjoy and the next one is coming soon. Everything is finally winding down for me so I have some free time to write. Thanks so much for sticking with me through my few and far between updates. _

_-I don't pretend to own these characters or this storyline. But this is based off of season 1 - stalked. I've changed it a bit though because I didn't like the ending. _

_**Alex**_

The small TV in her office droned on, its background noise proving to be more and more distracting as the evening wore on. Important research for her case loomed big and foreboding in the near future. In fact, Alex only had the rest of that day and the next to get everything done. And she despised being late, but not nearly as much as she despised being behind on her to do list.

Her bright idea to visit her mother for dinner was looking more and more impossible for every minute that zoomed past and for every page of notes she had yet to write. It was mind-boggling how quickly time went when you wanted nothing more than for it to slow the hell down. She sighed, leaning back in her chair and rubbing her hands over tired eyes. Beneath the desk, Alex's bare feet rubbed against each other soothingly, she bent her head and looked between them and her three-inch heels.

"Damn you," she said aloud to them, cursing their inventor for making them so uncomfortable and at the same time making her legs look good enough to eat.

Through the news anchor's monotone drone, a familiar name caught her attention. The mind always seems to perk up when it recognizes a name or a familiar place. Sitting up and focusing her attention on the voice and the breaking news banner now flashing across the screen, she read the scroll across the bottom and heard the voice, but it didn't seem real. It couldn't be real.

ADA KAREN FITZGERALD SLAIN IN CENTRAL PARK

Standing up quickly, she padded along the carpeted floor to stand closer to the television. Her mouth gaping open, Alex tried to comprehend what the man was saying.

"_Authorities have identified the body of Assistant District Attorney Karen Fitzgerald. The police are currently investigating the homicide and welcome any tips to be directed to the Manhattan Special Victims Unit."_

"Oh my god," Alex murmured into the hand now covering her mouth, the sound coming out muffled, choked. She walked slowly back to her desk and sat down in her chair, fairly numb.

_Special Victims_, she thought. _So she was raped. Good god. And Olivia would be handling her case._ Her mind briefly flashed back several months before to the scene at the courthouse in Manhattan. Karen, smiling and flirtatious, as always confident after the case she had just won. She said Olivia's name when Alex caught a glimpse of the detective near the door. And Alex's mind jumped forward in time to that night, the last time she saw Karen. She cringed in embarrassment as she remembered the words that drove Karen away, that would have driven anyone away.

And now she was gone. Some had killed her. And raped her. _Shit._

Alex made up her mind then, realizing that what she needed right then more than anything was to be with her mom.

...

"Alexandra, darling," Virginia opened the door wide and stepped aside to let her daughter in. Alex stepped in, her face a mess, mascara tear stains smeared down her cheeks, and she moved towards her mother. Like any good mother who sees her child hurt and tearful, Virginia opened her arms and held her daughter close.

"Mother," Alex choked, but that was all she could get out. She didn't ask what was wrong, Virginia just let Alex cry.

She shut the door with her foot, still holding Alex, rubbing soothing circles on her back. After a few more moments, the blonde regained her composure and looked up, sniffing and managing to smile through her tears.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to immediately fall apart like this. I thought I'd at least have a few glasses of wine first." Virginia laughed and grasped Alex by the hand, pulling her forward towards the kitchen. "That can certainly be arranged. I've got two bottles of '90 merlot and a bowl of spaghetti with your name on it."

"That sounds wonderful, thank you," Alex said, drying her eyes with her free hand.

An oversized bowl of spaghetti in front of her, Alex began to relax, she sipped her wine and took a deep breath, glancing up at her mother, who was dutifully twirling her noodles on an oversized spoon and daintily placing it in her mouth. They made eye contact and Alex began to speak.

"I know you're wondering why I'm so upset, and I suppose I really shouldn't be because she and I haven't spoken for months, but it's just horrible what happened to her and I'm just panicking because she was my friend and an ADA and so am I and ... and ..." she was about to lose it again, but Virginia reached across the bar and squeezed her hand, her grey eyes kind.

"Alexandra, who are you talking about?" Alex picked her glass up and had to set it right back down because her hand was shaking.

"Karen Fitzgerald. She's . . well, was . . . an ADA in Manhattan." Virginia nodded slightly, frowning. "Yes, I heard about that on the news this evening. It is awful what happened to her. You knew her well?" Alex nodded.

"I did. For a while. But then I was horrible to her. " she paused, reconsidering. "Not horrible, exactly, but I did screw everything up on one occasion."

"What did you do?" Virginia asked. Alex shook her head miserably. "I don't want to talk about it."

Her mother nodded, understanding that she shouldn't push too far. She leaned over and poured a healthy measure of wine into Alex's nearly-empty glass. After a few minutes of silence, Virginia tried a different tact.

"So . . . you were intimate with her?" Alex's eyes shot up and her stomach dropped in a brief moment of panic that reminded her all too fully of high school and fear, wondering if she would ever get used to speaking freely about her love life with her mother. She swallowed the panic and fear and nodded her head.

Virginia eyes gave nothing away. She didn't look disgusted or uncomfortable at all. "I'm very sorry, darling. I know this must be difficult for you." Saying nothing, Alex stared thoughtfully at her mother, marveling at how far Virginia had come over the last few years after her husband passed away.

"But the reporter did mention that the Special Victims Unit is handling the case. So it is in good hands isn't it?" Surprised that she remembered that small bit of information, that she remembered where Olivia worked, Alex didn't quite know what to say.

"They'll find out who did this to her, Alexandra. Don't you worry." She stood up, cleared the dishes and glided in her usual, graceful way to the refrigerator. "Now how does cookie dough ice cream sound?"

"Great, thanks, I'd love some," Alex paused, unable to stop herself from asking.

"I know you said before that you're trying to be better and more comfortable with me being . . . gay. But you're being incredibly understanding right now, better than I ever could have hoped for. What changed?"

Virginia shrugged, pulling down two small bowls and opening a drawer to search for the ice cream scoop. "It hasn't been easy, dear. I've been trying to educate myself and my therapist has helped tremendously."

"You're seeing a therapist?"

"Yes," she said matter-of-factly. "It's nice to have someone to vent to, someone professional who doesn't judge, only helps me to process."

"That's great, then. Wow."

"And besides, Alexandra, that's not what's important right now, me coming to terms with my daughter being gay. What is important is that you came to me in pain and I'm your mother. I want to help you and make it all better."

Tears filled Alex's eyes and they rolled down her cheeks, big and unashamed. She stood up, walked around the bar and hugged her mother again.

...

_**Olivia**_

At the station, Olivia ran her hand roughly through her hair. It had been one hell of a day. She thought back on the scene from that morning. Walking up to that crime scene, she and Elliot had received only brief information beforehand, only that SVU was required for investigation on a dead body in Central Park. So there they were, walking up a rocky path somewhere in the middle of the park, past the crime scene techs, the on-duty police officers, and the old man with his grandson who had discovered the body.

It was just another scene. Another day, another rape victim. They were all different of course, every time. They all had their own individual stories and horrors. But this one was a new brand of horror. This one hit close to home.

Seeing the woman on the ground, bruised and beaten, blood running down her legs, Olivia didn't expect to recognize her. But she certainly did after a moment of looking at her slightly rearranged face. It was shocking. And speaking it aloud was the worst part. Saying that she knew Karen personally out loud made it real.

Right away, she inwardly vowed to figure out who did it and why and to put that bastard away for the rest of their miserable goddamned life.

They were looking into possible enemies, trying to figure out who might have wanted Karen Fitzgerald dead. And as an ADA who puts away bad guys, or any public official for that matter, that sort of high profile job racked up plenty of enemies. After compiling a photo array of all the males Fitzgerald had convicted, they needed a place to begin.

They started with one of Karen's good friends, an old classmate from law school. Interviewing her, they got a bit of information about her personal life.

Apparently, she often stood up to creepy males who hit on the two of them at bars, she would flash her ADA badge and send them on their way. Olivia couldn't suppress the tiniest of smiles. That sounded exactly like Karen. Took shit from no one. But there was one anomaly, the friend said. One time at the bar recently, a particular guy seemed to get to her, to affect her in a way that no one else was able to. After the guy approached Fitzgerald, she was thoroughly shaken up, she didn't respond to him in the way that she normally did. She wanted to leave immediately; it was like the man was terrorizing her, somehow, the friend said.

Out of the photo array, the friend picked the guy out right away. And back at the station, Olivia and Elliot gathered more information about him. His name was Richard White, and Karen had prosecuted his case of sexual assault. He got off on a technicality, but it was certainly something to go on. A motive.

They decided to speak with the woman White was accused of sexually assaulting. Molly Billings was his ex-girlfriend and was reluctant to open the door and allow the detectives to set foot inside her home. A victim, through and through, she was scared to death of White, and by the way the spoke and reacted to questions about him, she seemed most terrified of him returning to finish the job. He had beaten and raped her when she tried to break up with him.

"He took it well at first," she said, her voice slightly trembling. "Said okay and left. And then he sent me flowers. It was sort of sweet. But not sweet enough for me to take him back, of course. And then I kept running into him at random places. It was more and more frequent that I would see him, and it started to scare me. It was like he was following me, was stalking me, and I couldn't get away from him. Then one day, he knocked on the door and I opened it. He forced his way in and started hitting me, attacking me. And then he pushed me to the bedroom, still punching me and throwing me around and he . . . he . . . raped me."

So it was plain to see that she thought talking to the police would lead him right back to her apartment. It was a wonder she spoke to them at all.

"It sounds like he was definitely stalking you. But couldn't you have filed a restraining order against him to keep him away?" Olivia asked, always one to encourage the victims to stand up for themselves, to defend themselves if they needed to.

"You don't think I tried that?" she cried. "But there's no law for what he was doing to me. He wasn't 'threatening me with bodily harm' so there was nothing the police could do about it. Until he actually hurt me, that is."

Downstairs, Olivia shook her head.

"The worst part about this, El?"

"What's that?"

"I heard they're working on a new stalking statute. Something designed to counteract situations just like this. But it hasn't gone into effect yet."

"Bad timing."

"No shit."

Their next clue was White's coworker, Ms. Phillips. Both of them real estate agents, Ms. Phillips, his coworker of two years, informed the detectives that he was nice enough man and that he talked her into going into business with him.

"It was weird though," she said. "I turned him down at first, and he seemed fine with that. And then I kept seeing him around. At the grocery store, at realtor's events, even outside my apartment and at places around the neighborhood. He sent me flowers a few times and everything. So finally, persistent bastard, I agreed to go into business with him."

Walking away from the woman, Elliot and Olivia shared a pointed, knowing look. Ms. Phillips was terrified of the man. Her body language and wide eyes had given everything away, as much as she tried to hide it, she was nervous and jittery.

"So, he controls. That much is obvious," Elliot said, heading back towards the sedan. "Right. And she's not telling us everything."

Outside, they decided to go pick up Richard White and have a little chat with him.

...

Olivia wanted a shot at him, she knew how much he got off on trying to control women. This was her chance to get under his skin to get him fired up, to try and figure out what made him tick, to figure out which buttons to push. But in the interrogation room, before she knew what was happening, the tables had been turned, their roles reversed.

She quickly found herself playing defense, trying to keep his incessant inquiries at bay. Realizing soon enough that this interview was not going the way she expected, Olivia sensed that he was very good at manipulating women. It was all she could do to keep her guard up.

"You were a regular policewoman before you became a detective?" She didn't answer him, tried a different route. "So you were showing a house on Tuesday down in Poughkeepsie?"

"Sure was."

"But your partner says you weren't there."

He ignored her. "You dress down, but you're a very attractive woman," Olivia turned and faced him, wanting nothing more than to hide her body from his roving, intrusive eyes.

"Your basketball career at Siena College . . . was that fulfilling for you?"

_Holy shit. How did he know that? He really did do his research._ "You know what you are? You're nosy. And a creep."

"And you're a bitch." His voice was suddenly cold, like a switch had been flipped.

"Did I hit a nerve?"

He didn't reply. But a knock came at the door and Cragen appeared at the threshold. He shook his head slightly, letting her know that no, they had nothing more on White and had to let him go.

_Damn it_, she thought.

...

The break in their case finally came in the form of Kim Phillips, the coworker. They took a look at the company's public financial records and were pleasantly surprised to find out that Kim received a $3,000 deposit every week. If it looks like hush money, smells like hush money . . .

Upon speaking to her again, she broke down completely. It didn't take much, and it seemed like she had been ready to burst with information from the beginning. She hated being blackmailed by White, but at the same time, was terrified of what he would do to her if she opened her mouth.

"I wasn't completely accurate about the beginning of my relationship with Richard."

"So, the money helps, doesn't it?" Olivia asked.

Kim's face had guilt written all over it.

"So he told you to use the beeper to open the door? You knew his history, you had to have put it together."

"Did he threaten you or something?" Olivia chimed in.

She nodded, tears filling her eyes. "He said he'd kill me. And I believed him."

...

It was enough for a warrant, and upon the judge's signature, they beat a trail post haste to White's apartment, towing along Munch and a crew of crime scene techs.

"What the hell do you want?" White said, opening the door and smiling at them. He took his time gazing at Olivia, his eyes violated her again and the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end.

Olivia got a good look at the inside of his apartment as he stood with the door held wide, confident cocky bastard that he was. It was ultra-modern, white polished floors, clean lines, black leather furniture and it dripped with a disgusting American Psycho aura. Or maybe that was her own prejudice against him.

"We've got a warrant to search the premises, Mr. White." Elliot said, slapping him in the chest with the blue-folded paper.

"On what grounds?" he demanded. Elliot brushed past him, nodded to the two uniformed officers behind him. "It's all in fine print, Mr. White. Officers, would you kindly escort Richard, here, to the hallway and accompany him while we search through his dirty laundry?"

White went without question, opening up the warrant to read what all this was about.

The team raked through his apartment, turning up all kinds of kink and sex toys. He was in to bondage and power games and his porn collection reflected his ever increasing appetite for more.

"Hey check this out, Liv"

"What's up," she said, scooting around the kitchen counter to the living room, where Elliot was seated, surrounded by a collection of notebooks, calendars and photographs. "This is his planner," Elliot said. "Look, it's got times and dates and look at this map." He indicated the map of Central Park on the table.

"He's circled several locations," Olivia said, pulling it towards her. "Yeah, and guess what the times and dates match up with?"

"The rapes and murders?" He nodded, and they gathered up all the papers into evidence bags and nodded to the officers standing near the door. "Arrest him," Elliot said. "We have everything we need."

A shout followed by sounds of a scuffle and then finally an echoing gunshot came from the hallway, and Olivia's hand went immediately to her gun, her eyes sought out Elliot's. His were wide and surprised. He motioned for her to take the left side of the hall as he leaned against the wall. There were muffled voices and shouts from the corridor.

"What happened out there?" He called. There was no reply. "Shit," Olivia muttered and they both motioned for the crime scene techs to stay back. Whirling around the corner, ready for anything, Olivia pointed her gun and tried to take in all that had happened in such a short time.

At first they saw nothing but the open door and empty hallway, but as she stepped closer, Olivia could see two slumped forms on the tiled floor. They were both police officers. White was gone.

She rushed to the officer closest to her, pressing her hands over his wound.

Munch appeared behind her, pulled out his radio, eyes wide as Elliot's. "This is Detective Munch, SVU, I need a bus at Denrode Apartments on 113th, fourteenth floor. Two officers down, gunshot wounds." His voice was tinged with panic. They were all panicky because when one of their own was shot down, everything went red.

"What the hell?" Elliot asked to nobody. Blood seeped rapidly out of the officer's upper chest beneath Olivia's hands. It had just missed the bulletproof vest. She held pressure on it and hoped the ambulance would hurry the hell up.

"White has a gun? They didn't search him?" Olivia asked. Elliot bent quickly over his guy. "He does now. Looks like he disarmed this one and shot yours. Mine's just unconscious, I think. Doesn't look like he's shot."

The EMTs were up the stairs and swooping in to take over in a matter of minutes. Olivia stepped back and took a deep breath. It could have been any one of them standing out here with White. Her hands were soaked, covered in rapidly drying blood, Olivia checked with crime scene techs and got their okay to wash up in the kitchen sink. But she wanted more than anything to be away from here, away from White and the incredibly bad feeling anything to do with him gave her.

"Christ, it's been a day," Elliot said, appearing next to her.

"It has. And now White is out there and he's probably going to escalate."

"Hey Liv," Munch called from the living room. "Yeah?"

She was dog-tired now and didn't feel like she'd done all that much today, but sometimes in this line of work all it took was a few adrenaline filled moments and the body was drained.

"I think you and Elliot missed something."

"More maps?" she asked, making her way towards him. He had a brand new looking planner in his hands. He shook his head. "This was under White's mattress. It's got a gym circled, a grocery store, jogging route . . . "

Elliot leaned in and scanned over the planner. His eyes went wide again and he looked quickly at Olivia.

"What? What is it?" Olivia said, grabbing the planner from Munch's bony hands.

"Liv," Elliot said slowly. "This is your gym. Your grocery store. Your apartment."

She swallowed.

"Okay. Shit. Well, we need to find him then don't we?"

Elliot scratched his head and took the planner from her, dumping it in the evidence bag.

...

Back at the station, they had informed the media that a wanted man was at large and had given his photo to all the news stations to air that night. Police in all five boroughs were on high alert, especially now that he had unsuccessfully attempted to kill a police officer.

Olivia was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to go home. She gathered up her things, straightened, sort of, her papers and grabbed her keys.

Elliot stood up quickly. "Are you sure you don't want to stay the night here?" But at her death stare, he backed down, held his hands out in supplication. "Okay, okay, but let me at least drive you home," he said, pulling on his jacket. "Thanks, Elliot, but I can handle myself."

"Not tonight. Not after he tried to kill a cop. It's too dangerous, Liv." He was so thoughtful and loyal. Like a dog.

"I know how to protect myself. I'm not a civilian." She gestured to her gun.

"I don't care. I'm driving you." She rolled her eyes, but followed him into the elevator, realizing that arguing with him would be futile.

"You don't honestly think he's going to try something tonight, do you? After all the media hype and everything? I think he'll lie low for a while."

"Maybe," was all Elliot said, closing the driver side door. "But I'm not taking any chances."

At her apartment, Elliot started to turn the car off. Olivia stopped him, put a hand on his arm. "You are NOT staying the night. You're not even walking me up."

He smiled tightly. "You sure?"

"Elliot, if I let him change my life, he wins." Rolling his eyes, he nodded.

"Fine, but you're a stubborn son of a bitch."

"I know." "Flick your lights a couple times when you get up there."

"Ugh, Elliot Stabler."

"Olivia." She slammed the car door, leaned in the open window.

"You're not going to leave until I do it are you?"

He grinned at her. At least he still had his sense of humor.

"Fine."

"Goodnight." he added, as she shut the door.

...

A ringing cut through her sleep-fogged mind. "What the . . . ?" She sat up quickly, thinking it must be Elliot, letting her know the latest about White.

"Benson," she said, her voice raspy from sleep.

"Oh, Olivia, I love your voice like that. I want to hear it every morning." His voice crawled up and down her spine and all remnants of sleep were gone. "Where are you?" she asked, throwing back the sheets.

"I want to see you. Let's meet somewhere. Just the two of us."

"Where?"

"It's a place we both know. The bench in the park."

"Okay." "And no friends Olivia."

"Okay. 30 minutes."

"Make it 15," White purred into the phone. "You're not far from the park." He hung up.

"Fuck." she scrolled through her numbers, debating momentarily whether or not to call Elliot and the rest of the squad.

...:…

Lit in an eerie fog, early morning sunlight filtered through low lying clouds and moist, soul-sucking air into the park. The bench was still wet from the previous night's precipitation, but Olivia sat down on it anyway, leaving her back to the rocky hillside. She hated to leave her back exposed at all, but didn't have much choice here. White wouldn't come if she positioned herself somewhere else.

It was quiet, like foggy mornings usually are, sounds of the city were audible but muted by the trees and rocks of this part of the park. Her ears perked up at the sound of footsteps approaching. Someone running at an even pace. She readied herself, taking a deep breath and comfort in the standard issue at her side. Seconds later, a hooded, but definitely female jogger appeared and passed by, huffing along the path. Several minutes after that, a homeless man hobbled past pushing a shopping cart filled with rubbish, her attention was fixed on him momentarily. She wanted to make sure he wasn't White in disguise.

But that was all the time it took.

Strong hands closed around her neck, and she barely had time to react. Her hands went to his, struggled to rip them off, but he was strong and practiced in this sort of thing. He let go long enough to punch her in the side of the head, and everything went dark.

...

The ground slid past her, wet leaves and dirt caught up in her pants as she was dragged on her back towards something. Her first conscious thought was of the leaves in her underwear and how the hell they got there. Pain in her head and through her arms, which were pulling violently in her shoulder sockets, brought her closer to total consciousness.

She was being dragged._ But where? Oh fuck. White. _

She remembered and realized all at once the seriousness of the situation. White was dragging her up the hill to the trees, away from prying eyes and early morning joggers, up to where Karen Fitzgerald took her last breaths.

_Fuck fuck fuck_, she thought. Her first instinct was to struggle, but she fought it, wanting to keep the element of surprise. Her hands weren't tied and maybe, just maybe, her gun was still there. White finally dropped her arms heavily on the ground. He had found the perfect place, apparently. She played dead and let them flop lifelessly. A rock dug into her hip where her gun should have been. _The bastard must have taken it_, she thought grimly._ That complicates things._

He began to speak now, pulling out her gun and holding it to her head, putting pressure on the muzzle. He took it away, satisfied that she was truly unconscious.

"Oh Olivia, I've wanted this so badly. Ever since I first laid eyes on you. I'm going to treat you just like I did the others. And then you're going to pay for trying to wear the pants in our relationship. Just like they did. I'm in charge, Olivia. You'll see." He kneeled down next to her and ran his hand lightly along her jawbone. She struggled not to flinch away.

"I'm so glad we have some time together before I have to leave for a while. I'm leaving the country, you see." He was close now, his breath rancid and smelled of too-strong aftershave.

There was movement above her and she realized he was straddling her, reaching down now to unbutton her pants. He meant to rape her! She had to act quickly before things went any further and while he was preoccupied. She felt him, hard and straining against her thigh, and fought back the bile rising up in her throat.

Everything happened in a blur as soon as she raised up her knee and hit him violently in the genitals. He fell forward, his chest nearly on her face and cried out in pain. Using his distraction to her advantage, she reached up with both hands and started to flip him to the side. Before she could though, noise and blood exploded around her.

Three shots rang out in the still, morning air and White's weight was on her, blood gushing from exit wounds in his throat and chest. She moved quickly to push him off, her heart clamoring wildly in her throat. Sitting up and bending her knees beneath her, making an effort to sit up, she glanced around, finally able to make out Elliot's profile in the fog. His gun was drawn and he moved quickly towards white, checking that he was truly dead. Cragen followed soon behind and knelt down beside Olivia, lending her a hand as she made to stand.

"Took you long enough," she said in a voice with more bravado than she actually felt.

Elliot smiled, holstered his weapon, and stepped towards her. "Look at this fog, would you? And you, you let him drag you all the way up here! That wasn't in the plan."

"Shut the hell up, El."

"Are you okay? Did he hurt you?" Cragen asked, scanning her for wounds. She shook her head. "No, but the bastard did get my gun. Almost shot me with it, too."

She glanced around for it and picked it up, holstered it as more uniformed police officers showed up, taping off the scene and securing the area.

"I would have had him you know. I was just about to flip him . . . "

"Sure."

Olivia punched him soundly on the arm, with an unsteady fist. Her heart finally began to slow and her hands ceased their shaking as she convinced herself that everything was going to be okay.

_A/N – thanks for reading. If you follow my other stories, I'll be updating Last Year probably tomorrow, and I'm adding a one shot I've already written for Alex and Olivia and another one shot for Jane and Maura within this week. _


	25. Chapter 25

_A/N - I know I said it would be soon, but I lied. Oops. Enjoy this new chapter anyway ._

Chapter 25

_**Olivia**_

Her old rickety chair creaked as she leaned back in it. The damn thing was probably at least thirty years old. It gave another low protest, as if it could read her mind. Most of the stuff in the squad room was ancient, paint peeling, old computers, greens and oranges prevalent from the seventies all over the place.

Foot propped up on the corner of her desk, she had a file in her lap and she stared at it, zombie-like, until her eyes went crisscrossed. She reached up and rubbed her eyes wearily. It was only ten in the morning, but it felt more like six am for some reason.

Glancing around, she took in the not-so-bustling squad room. Elliot was dozing in his chair, pretending to read with his head propped up on one hand. She grinned at him, resisting the urge to throw something at him. He must've perfected that pose in high school, and she had to admit it was pretty effective. The rest of the room was almost empty, save for Munch and Jeffries, arguing quietly about the moon landing's validity again. But the desk next to Munch's was definitely empty.

Brian Cassidy had been gone for about two months at that point and Olivia was mildly surprised that things were just a little bit dull without him. His puppy dog face and dumb jock humor happened to lighten the mood every now and then. She thought back to everything that had occurred between them and cringed inwardly.

It wasn't often that she allowed a guy to get intimately close to her, but Brian somehow wormed his way in one night at the bar when Elliot had to leave and Munch left with him, leaving only Olivia and Brian by themselves. She had a rare too many drinks and allowed him to kiss her. It had been too long since anyone had gone home with her, but allowing this to happen would have been a big exception, a huge mistake. She'd never even slept with a guy. Not only was he a guy, but a coworker to boot. So she broke off the kiss before things went any further. She had standards, after all. It was a mistake, just kissing him. A drunken one, no doubt, but the following days were even worse. His puppy dog face had been so eager when he asked if they were going to go out again soon. She thought he had understood, had hoped he understood, that she didn't want anything more. But he didn't understand probably that she definitely didn't date guys.

That particular detail was something she left out of their brief conversation, not wanting to reveal that part of herself to everyone on the squad. She was pretty sure Elliot knew, they hadn't ever really talked about it, but he wasn't an idiot. She still wasn't sure how to be out in the open about it at a job where women had to be as good as if not better than the guys to fit in and belong, and where most female cops were stereotyped as being gay anyway. She figured the news might reach their ears eventually, but her personal life was exactly that. Personal and none of anyone else's business.

Only now, Brian Cassidy had recently become an unwanted part of her personal life and the awkwardness of one person wanting to pursue a relationship, while the other does not, ensued.

Their falling out was not pretty, and Brian was unable to keep what had happened to himself. But as it turned out, without even saying anything, it seemed like everyone on the unit already knew what happened. Regardless of how insignificant the kiss was. Strange how much like a family they were. Everyone seems to know everything. It often made her wonder if they knew she was actually gay.

And then Brian started taking the cases personally, got too involved and couldn't handle everything. It was what, Olivia figured, most detectives went through who worked at SVU. Most didn't last more than a year, and there was a good reason for it. The things Brian saw over a period of about two or three weeks got to him. The victims were too badly damaged and he couldn't take it anymore. So Cragen found him a way out.

Olivia figured Cragen knew better than anyone how common the revolving door effect at Special Victims really was. She found herself wondering what would happen if she finally reached that point, that breaking point that all detectives have, when they've had enough, when they needed out like Cassidy did. He transferred to Narcotics one day and the only person he said goodbye to was Munch. But she wasn't offended.

She snapped out of her reverie when the Captain himself walked into the squad room, chest puffed out like he usually did when he had a big announcement to make. Olivia quickly jarred her desk, making it ram against Elliot's so that he would wake up and not be caught snoozing on the job. He jumped a little, recovered quickly, and glanced around at the room, trying to catch up on what was happening. Luckily for him, he hadn't missed anything yet.

"All right kids, the powers that be have some fun news for us."

"Oh boy," Munch said from across the aisle. Olivia almost laughed.

"Turns out, One Police Plaza wants every department to conduct biyearly psych evaluations. And guess who gets to go first."

"You're kidding, right?" Elliot asked, his lips wrapped around a pencil.

"Psych evaluations?" Munch said, his voice rising an octave. "I thought we were the ones trying to catch the crazies. Now they're after us? And why is SVU first?"

"That's right. We're the stepchild, John, you know that. I have a folder for each of you. Fill it out and then we'll figure out a good time for you to meet individually with Dr. Jackson, our most recent in-house psychiatrist, remember her?"

Everyone mumbled as they took a folder from Cragen. Olivia glanced through hers quickly and tossed it on her desk, planning to complete it later on. The Captain eyed her suspiciously.

"You will all take this seriously. Fill those out right now." Guiltily, she picked the folder back up, opened it to the first page and lowered her head to read.

"So, who's first on the witch hunt?" Jeffries asked conversationally, opening her own folder.

"That would be me. Now get busy." Cragen walked towards his office without another word.

...

About an hour later, they were drooling, half asleep over their questionnaires, which were chock full of ridiculous questions, when a man walked in wearing a baseball cap. Stabler sat up, glad to have something to do other than the task at hand. "Can I help you?"

"Yes," the man said, his accent thick and Middle-Eastern possibly. "I need to report a case of abuse."

"Okay, why don't you have a seat," Elliot said, pulling up a chair next to his desk, and Olivia leaned forward to listen in. "Who's being abused?"

The man went on to tell them that a woman approached him at his store, begged him to help her, said that she was in trouble. She didn't say anything else, only handed him a paper with the name Constanta Condrescu written on it. He told them he wouldn't have even contacted the police because she didn't give him any more information and he wasn't sure if she was telling the truth. But, after he reluctantly told his wife about it three days later, she forced him to contact the police right away.

They thanked the man and decided to tell Cragen about the new possible case, gladly leaving their questionnaires safely in their desk drawers. Cragen was not overly thrilled about the prospect of looking for 'someone' being abused, 'somewhere', by 'someone'. But they eventually decided to follow up on this Constanta Condrescu.

...

On their way to the morgue, Olivia wondered briefly how things managed to spiral down so quickly. One minute they were talking to Cragen about this case being a possible flop and getting their hopes up about taking the rest of the day off, maybe eating a decent meal and getting a good night's rest, and then they were chatting with Constanta, finding out that she had a niece named Ilena who fit the grocery store man's description, and now they had just hung up the phone with Cragen with bad news..

The case had turned from business as usual quickly to straight-up shit. They were showing the girl's sketch around, getting a few leads, finding out a few facts about the possible victim. They found out she seemed pretty happy, was just pushing a stroller around the park the day before. She was apparently a nanny for a rich couple, a vet and a real estate mogul. The Morrows. Upon deciding to pay a visit to this couple's apartment, they got the call from Cragen.

His news was grim. There was a body rolled up on the side of the Henry Hudson Parkway, and it was a very strong possibility it belonged to Constanta.

"Damn it," Olivia said, as she hung up the phone and turned to Elliot.

"There goes your early dinner with your kids," she said as she got behind the wheel of the car and waited for him to follow.

"What's new?" Elliot asked cynically.

...

Later, after they'd seen the body and confirmed that it was indeed Constanta, it was Olivia's turn to be evaluated. Or, head shrunk as Elliot called it. She wasn't nervous really, just a little uncomfortable talking about her feelings. Cragen had informed them all beforehand that each of her questions would be individualized about their cases and different incidences over the last year. For her especially, and Elliot too, the past year had been a doozy, and the shooting they were both involved in was sure to be on her list of questions. She squared her shoulders and strode confidently into Cragen's office, where the interviews were taking place. Doctor Audrey Jackson sat in one of Cragen's extra chairs, facing the other chair, waiting expectantly for her.

"Detective Benson, come on in. Have a seat," Dr. Jackson said. Olivia wondered if they taught all psychologists this way of speaking in school. Reel in the patient, make them feel 'safe', and then listen intently while taking notes about all the horror and pain they had witnessed. She sat, didn't really know what to do with her hands or legs, and after shifting around a bit, she settled for legs slightly apart, hands intertwined in her lap.

"So tell me. How has your time been in Special Victims so far?"

Olivia took a breath. "Umm. . . Busy?"

"Care to elaborate?"

She smiled. Olivia knew Dr. Jackson was just trying to do her job, and there was no reason really to make her job any harder than it needed to be. _Fine_, she thought.

"Okay. It was . . . difficult. For everyone on the squad I think. Several of the victims didn't make it, and that's always hard. We witnessed a woman kill herself. I had to shoot a man. Ended up killing him. But besides that, we helped a lot of people. Putting away the bad guys is why we do this, helping their victims recover and get back to their regular lives."

"Yes, I have here that you had to use deadly force a couple weeks back. Can you tell me more about that?"

A sudden flashback hit her.

In the laundry room of their apartment building, a battered wife was on the floor, her head was flat against the cold tile, held there by her husband's shoe. He had just been paroled, and the first place he went after being released was to his wife's place, found her in the laundry room and was now pointing a gun at her head. The wife had been giving sexual favors to the judge on the parole board to keep him in prison, but the judge had decided on a whim to let him out. The wife killed the judge and was immune from prosecution because she agreed to testify against him and his underhanded methods. And now that her husband was out, she was about to die. Elliot and Olivia were both in the room with him, trying to talk him out of it. It happened so fast. He raised his gun, ready to shoot Elliot, and . . .

She blinked, stared at Dr. Jackson for a moment.

"I . . . Uh. I just reacted. My partner was in danger, about to get shot by this guy, and I just reacted."

"And are you having any sort of nightmares or post-traumatic stress about the shooting?"

Shaking her head, Olivia gave a cynical smile. "Seeing a man on the ground with my bullet in him is not the worst thing that I've seen in the last couple years. We see a lot worse every day."

Jackson took a few notes, seemingly satisfied with her answer, and then she looked up as Olivia finished speaking. "I notice that when you speak about what you do, you say 'we'. And that's good. You see yourself as part of this team of people who are trying to help other people." She paused, taking a hard look at Olivia. "But what about you as an individual? Why do you put yourself through this?"

"For all the reasons I told you earlier."

The doctor's face didn't change, but Olivia had a feeling about what was coming. How and why this was in her file, she had no idea.

"So, your background has nothing to do with it?"

Olivia took a deep breath, steadying herself. It still wasn't easy to talk about this. And especially not to someone she didn't exactly trust. Although, she was a doctor, and everything they were talking about was supposed to be confidential. So she spoke. Perhaps it was in her file, maybe Sergeant Smythe had put it there. Or Cragen.

"I'm a product of rape. So maybe it does have something to do with it. I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm crazy to surround myself with these cases and victims who remind me every day of what my mother went through. But then other times I realize that there's no better person to deal with it than me. I think most of the time that I was born for it."

"So do you think perhaps sometimes you get too close to the any of the cases?"

"Not more than anyone else, I'd say. These things we deal with aren't easy. They're painful, for the victims and for us to see this sort of thing day in and day out. I try not to get too close. It's painful."

She wrote some more, her handwriting quick and smooth. "Okay. And tell me. If you weren't a detective for Special Victims, what would you be doing? Or if you weren't a cop at all, what would you be?"

That wasn't a question Olivia was prepared for. She paused, thinking it over, but she couldn't think of anything. Her mind was blank. After Sergeant Smythe suggested she transfer to Special Victims and showed her how good she really was at this sort of thing, she realized there was nothing else she wanted to do with her life. This was her calling, what she was made for. Her mouth sort of gaped open like a fish and she shrugged, unable to answer.

Dr. Jackson made another note.

…

_That evening._

Back at the squad room, Olivia found herself in her rickety chair again, but this time, she wasn't feeling sleepy in the slightest. The big break in the case had come from a simple picture taken from the crime scene. They knew almost everything already. That Randolph Morrow was a control freak and his wife was a veterinarian hooked on ketamine. The wife had flipped on her husband already, told Munch everything, that her husband had used Ilena as not only a babysitter but also a sex slave now for over six months and she let it happen simply because it was no longer happening to her and she didn't want it to happen to her daughter. She was too afraid to leave him, was sure he'd kill her and her daughter both if they tried to escape, and that's why she was on the ketamine. Upon Constanta's visit to their apartment, concerned about her niece, Dr. Morrow didn't hesitate to drug her and then kill her, wrapping her up and dumping her on the side of road. As long as it kept Ilena quiet, she didn't care.

The only problem was that they couldn't find Ilena, and Morrow wasn't giving it up. She had been gone for three days. But they went back to the crime scene photos and noticed a rug in the master bedroom they hadn't seen before, one that looked a lot like the one Constanta had been wrapped up in. Olivia and Elliot rushed back to the apartment and found Ilena huddled in a wooden box under the bed. It had been too long since they had had a successful case and this was one was bittersweet, like any other success they achieved.

Regardless of whether or not they put away a rapist or a sick sadistic man like Morrow, there was always a string of victims, people affected by that rapist's actions, and another rapist or psycho to take his place. Ilena was scarred for life now, as was Dr. Morrow, and it was doubtful that she would recover from her ketamine addiction, but jail time for murder would help with that.

But, Olivia knew by now, they had to take all victories with a grain of salt. They had to appreciate the small things, because those kinds of wins were rare. And the mood in the squad room reflected that. Finally, they had gotten the guy and were celebrating and congratulating each other.

But it didn't last long.

In walked Cragen, and the obligatory smile that should have graced his grizzled features was curiously absent. And that meant bad news.

He did not look happy. "What's up, Cap?" Elliot asked, leaning forward in his chair, his face falling quickly from happy and satisfied to concerned.

"I just got our results back from our evaluations. Elliot, my office. Jeffries, you're next. The rest of you, go home. That's an order."

Elliot gave the room a mock-frightened expression and followed the captain into his office. Olivia wasn't as blasé about it, though. The things Dr. Jackson had asked her seemed pretty serious. Was she fit for service after admitting that this was all she had? Was it unhealthy, the way she focused all of her energy and attention on her job? She didn't know, and she worried as well for Elliot and what his evaluation might have held.

She wanted to stick around to find out what sort of trouble Elliot was in. And Monique as well, but Cragen had given them a direct order. Glancing around at Munch and Jeffries, she shrugged her shoulders, stood up and gathered up her things. She walked over to Jeffries and gave her shoulder a gently squeeze.

"Good luck," she said quietly. Jeffries could only smile, her face was difficult to read. Guilt, maybe? She wasn't sure.

Munch stood up as well, putting on his coat. "Apparently, we are not as sane as we appear," he said, rather ominously in that annoying way he had.

Olivia leaned down over Elliot's desk, grabbing a pen and paper, scribbling him a note.

_Call me when you're done._

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

_**Alex**_

The phone rang on her desk, startling her from her research.

"Cabot," she answered, still rifling through her papers.

"Alex. Peterson here. How busy are you right now?"

It was her DA on the phone, and the only times he ever called were to give her information on a new case or to chew her ass about losing one. Working for the Investigations Bureau in Brooklyn, there was never much glory.

"Not very. Just prepping for trial day after tomorrow." She sat up straighter, set her pen down to listen more fully. Peterson cleared his throat on the other end. That usually meant bad news.

_Damn._

"Come on over to my office then, would you? I've got something we need to talk about."

_Double damn._

"Sure thing, I'll be right there." They hung up and Alex stood up immediately, smoothed out her slightly wrinkled skirt and reached around the back of her chair for her jacket. Peterson's office was only upstairs and down the hall, but he was her boss, and it was important to look presentable. She wondered what this might be about, thinking back to her previous trial, she couldn't think of anything wrong with it. She'd won, and that was all there was to it. And there was a good chance she'd win this next one as well.

Her fingers rapped lightly on his closed door, and when his muffled voice called out a 'come in', she did so, making her way to the chair opposite his desk. He eyed her as she sat. A big man, skin the color of hot chocolate, he was probably forty-five or forty-six, his dark hair was rapidly receding on his head.

"Alex, how are you?" And before she could answer, "congratulations on your win last week. I heard good things about your trial."

She nodded, reached up and adjusted her glasses nervously. "Thank you."

He must have realized some time ago that she wasn't one for beating around the bush or sitting around chatting about the weather, because he immediately jumped into what he wanted to say.

"Listen, I know I've probably got you all worked up, calling you down here like this, but I have some news that I think is good news, but I'm not sure how you'll feel about it. So as soon as I heard, I wanted to bring you up here and tell you face to face."

She stared at him, wrung her hands out briefly, than stilled them. "What is it?"

"Well, there's a position in the Manhattan DA's office available as of today and I put in my suggestion for who I think is the right person for the job."

"Manhattan, really?" She asked, brow furrowing. "I haven't heard of any new positions lately. No one has quit or been fired have they? Not since . . ."

But she couldn't finish. Everyone who worked in any of the DA's offices in any of the Boroughs was familiar with the happenings of Manhattan's office. It was sort of the center piece. And not since Karen Fitzgerald was killed a while back had any positions opened up. Alex couldn't bring herself to speak about it.

"Fitzgerald?" He finished for her, unaware of course that hearing the name said aloud caused an inward cringe and painful knotting of her stomach. "Right. But this one is a new position."

"Okay, for what division?"

He leaned forward. "Have you heard about the psych evaluations they've implemented over in Manhattan? For all the detectives?"

She shrugged. "I've heard it mentioned in passing."

"Well, the first division to undergo the evaluations was Special Victims." He waited, and when she didn't react, he continued. But what he didn't realize was that he had mistaken the fact that she had inwardly frozen at the mention of SVU for a simple, indifferent non-reaction. She guessed he expected an eye roll or something like that at the mention of the 'panty police'.

"And they don't really have a set ADA. But even if they did, that person would be fired as of today."

She frowned. Alex thought Abbie Carmichael had taken most of SVU's cases. And Abbie never did a half-assed job. "Why is that?" she asked.

Peterson fiddled with a miniature sandbox on his desk, taking the tiny rake and smoothing out the sand. Alex wanted to dump it in the trash. Tiny rake and all. If only he'd hurry up and get to the point.

"Their conviction rate is shit, has been ever since Alden took over the caseload from Carmichael." _Oh_, she thought. "And on top of that, their psych evaluations came back and I don't have the details of course, but I hear a couple of them were so bad, old Cragen has to get up in front of the Morris Commission and explain himself."

"So what does that have to do with the job opening? They're planning on making a position full-time for an SVU ADA? All because a couple detectives had some bad evaluations?"

He grinned, set the baby rake down and twined his fingers together. "That's right. And I knew you'd be skeptical, but this squad needs help. Serious help. We'll find out for ourselves what exactly happened with the evaluations at the hearing tomorrow, and you'll be able to meet Cragen there."

The color must have drained out of her face, however pale it already was. He back-pedaled, "That-is, _if _you take the job. If not, some amateur will get it and you'll miss your chance to get out of here and into the dog fight."

"The dog fight?"

"That's right." And she was silent for a while, trying to silence her swimming mind. SVU meant Manhattan. SVU meant Olivia. Shit. _Shit_.

"So," she said slowly. "When do I let you know my decision?"

"Honestly?" He asked, his voice surprised. "I don't think you need to think too hard about this one, Cabot."

"And why is that?" It was difficult to keep the skepticism and snide tone out of her voice. This was her boss, after all.

"You have political aspirations, yes?"

"Yes, of course."

"I know. You'd make a great senator. SVU is your next stop, the next rung on the ladder for you."

She shook her head. "But their conviction rate is low. It's next to impossible to solve rapes without a slam dunk case with DNA."

"Exactly. That's what you excel at. And if anyone can turn SVU around, it's you. They're in hot water over there. They need someone like you to keep them from drowning."

"So I'm just the clean-up crew? How is that going to help me climb the political ladder?" He was going to have to work harder than that to convince her.

"You want the sympathetic women's vote? This is it. You want men to respect you and believe you can hang with the boys... Then you go after the boys club, grab them by the balls and don't let go. The rape culture of this country is out if control and you know it."

Alex said nothing. She still wasn't completely sold. But she was mildly impressed that Peterson was aware of 'rape culture'.

"Anyway, think about it some more. It's only a year, maybe two. And you'd get to be back in Manhattan. Your mother lives over there, right?"

She nodded. "Great. Well, sleep on it. Let me know first thing in the morning and then we'll go listen in on the hearing at three pm."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


	26. Chapter 26

**You and Me**

_**A/N –**__had a long car ride and I got the chance to sit down and knock this out. Spoilers from episode 2x01 Wrong is right._

_**Disclaimer – **__I don't own the characters, or the story. I'm not getting any money from this. Consider it a recap of sorts and strong publicity for your TV show. Thanks. Don't sue me. Bye._

_**Alex**_

She was rambling to herself.

_Sleep on it, he says. Let me know tomorrow, he says! _

_One night. That's it. That's all I have to decide!_

Alex was a little frazzled. Perhaps that was an understatement. She had one night to decide what her future would be, to suck it up, get over herself and take the golden opportunity or cower over in Brooklyn, huddled in fear of branching out and meeting her obstacles head on. That the main obstacle happened to be one Olivia Benson was not the main issue. It was, but she couldn't focus on that.

"Ugh!" She groaned aloud as she paced in her office, feet bare and hair mussed, glasses slightly askew on her face.

She couldn't NOT focus on that. Olivia had been her world, and then abruptly she was out of her world for five, going on six years now. All because of some ridiculous ultimatum by Olivia's girlfriend. There was no other reason they shouldn't have remained friends over that time period.

Regardless of that, she had never stopped thinking about the brunette, especially recently, when she saw the detective at the courthouse, right before the nighttime debacle with Karen.

She ran a hand over her face, pulling the skin down dramatically. Thinking about Karen wasn't going to help anything either.

Yes, the opportunity was incredible. This was her chance to get into the thick of things, make her name commonplace in the living rooms of New Yorkers, put away the worst kind of criminals, take the needed steps towards politics. But all of that was not the issue.

_No, not even close,_ she thought. The issue was working with Olivia. That's what she was facing. Would it be possible, hell, would it even be wise, to begin a coworker's relationship when the two of them had such heavy history together? Would she be capable of standing in a squad room with Olivia, sitting next to her in an interrogation? Would she be able to focus on a trial, knowing that Olivia was sitting in the gallery behind her, watching her every move?

She sat down, sighed without knowing what to do, then stood back up again, continued her pacing.

_I must look like a madwoman_, she thought.

She took a deep breath. And another. Thought back to everyone who had helped her on her way. Her father, incredible man that he was, always encouraging, never put her down or made any of her wild ideas seem impossible. Her teammates in high school and basketball, her college roommates. Abbie, in law school. Her professors. The DA in Brooklyn. Her Uncle Bill. Her mother.

Another breath. She was calming down, thinking more clearly. She had not been to hell and back as a teenager and then again in college when her father died to get to a good place in her life, a place she had worked her ass off to get to, just to throw it away because of a stupid ex girlfriend!

_That's better_, she thought.

With the knowledge that her life was more than some sob story of a love lost or a broken heart, Alex knew she would be okay. She was a strong, independent woman who didn't need anyone. She knew, with that attitude, she would be able to function working in the same place as Olivia. They would just have to get used to each other. Olivia would have to get used to her independence and hard-headedness. Smiling, she shook her head. Olivia already knew she was those things.

_It's settled then_, she thought.

Her professional future would not be dictated by a past relationship. She would be strictly professional when interacting with the detective and that was all there was to it. Smiling again, this time more cynically, she knew Olivia was more than capable of carrying on a simple friendship with her, as they had proved when Olivia was dating Leigh.

The thought occurred to her just then that Olivia might still be with Leigh. That would certainly make things easier, would keep her focused on their friendship.

Standing up, Alex gathered her things and cleaned up her desk a bit. She left her office confident in her decision and excited about the opportunity ahead of her. Now all she had to do was meet Captain Cragen and win him over.

...

_**Olivia**_

The coffee was fresh, and Olivia stood by the pot, tiredly, her mouth watered in anticipation of the dark roasted goodness she needed so desperately to wake her up.

The night before had been a roller coaster, with an elated high at catching a man who raped and tortured his babysitter for months on end and then finding the girl alive and safe soon afterwards. But the ups have to have a down, and at SVU, the downs were usually as bad as it gets.

In last night's case, two of SVU's own were taking flack. After their psych evaluations, the Brass decided that Monique Jeffries and Elliot Stabler, were, for reasons not to be released to the public, under further investigation by the Morris Commission.

In fact, Captain Cragen would be making an appearance at the commission hearing this morning to give statements in response to complaints made about his detectives by Dr. Audrey Jackson.

Elliot apparently had seen her note the night before asking him to call her with news of his meeting with Cragen. His news hadn't been good. She thought back on what he said.

"I thought our evaluations were private! What happened to doctor-patient privileges?" Olivia was outraged, she couldn't believe the doctor had turned on them.

"What did you tell her?"

He hesitated. And then spoke.

"All I said was that I cope by fantasizing about what I'd like to do to rapists when I catch them. And apparently she thought I was a menace to society and unfit for duty because of that."

"So she squealed on you."

"Yep." He did not sound happy.

"So what happens now? Now that you're under 'further investigation'? Are you suspended?"

"As far as I know, no. But the captain did tell me that my job was in danger. And he told me to take the weekend off."

"Your job?" Olivia almost squeaked.

"Yeah. That's pension and everything."

"Shit."

"No kidding."

They hung up, telling each other they'd see each other on Monday when his weekend was over. He planned on taking the kids out to the beach, said he figured he'd take advantage while he could.

Now she sat back down at her desk, ready to face the huge stack of paperwork in front of her, seeing as it was Saturday and not very busy yet. Looking around the bullpen, her eyes fell on her coworkers. Jeffries was officially on desk duty for the following week and Munch had his own stack of files to contend with.

Olivia glanced down at her watch. 9:02

The hearing should have started now. She wondered what was happening, and she bit her lip, worrying about Elliot and Jeffries. She hoped for the best but she knew that having to defend yourself in front of that commission was not easy and often did not end well.

...

_**Alex**_

The hearing went terribly. Alex had never met Donald Cragen before that day but she couldn't help feeling bad for him. For every question hurled his way, he had an answer to, but he was nervous, stumbled on his words. The man asking the questions showed no mercy, he cut Cragen off several times, shouted him down and essentially made him look like a fool.

It was now out in the open that two of Cragen's detectives had seemingly serious problems. One of them apparently threatened and fantasized about killing perps, and the other slept with one of her suspects. Cragen had answers for both of these accusations, claiming that his story wasn't correct, that he was skewing the circumstances as some sort of vendetta against SVU. But Cragen wasn't forceful enough and there was too much against him.

He told Cragen that he would need to turn all of his case files over to ADA Cabot, that she would be adjudicating all of their cases until further notice. She jumped slightly at hearing her own name and looked at Cragen but could only see the back of his head.

It was decided that the commission would deliberate again Monday after next. At that point, Cragen would have another chance to speak and the fates of his two detectives would be decided.

The committee was giving Cragen's detectives a chance at another psych session with a different psychiatrist for a second opinion.

SVU's case was closed and another one was quickly called up, and Cragen turned reluctantly towards the aisle. Alex was sitting towards the back by herself, and she stepped quickly into the aisle as Cragen walked by, head held high, wearing his dress blues proudly.

"Captain Cragen," she said, getting his attention. She knew this was a bad time for him, having just been embarrassed by the speaker, but there was no other time she could introduce herself.

"You must be the new ADA," he said coldly, not waiting for her to catch up as he walked towards the door. "Ms. Cabot." He almost spat her name as he said it. She caught up to him easily with her long, graceful strides and stopped in front of him with her hand outstretched.

"Yes, it's Alex."

He stared at her hand for a moment, eyes hard. Finally, when she thought he would reject her completely, he extended his own hand and shook hers firmly.

"Don Cragen," he said gruffly as he started to walk away again.

"Look, I know it's a bad time, but I . . ."

He cut her off, shaking his head as they walked side by side. "You're right. It is a bad time. And I don't feel much like talking to the new hotshot ADA sent over to babysit my detectives."

Alex laughed lightly next to him, unfazed by his callousness. "I don't blame you, but I do have a few things I'd like to talk to you about as soon as possible."

He glanced over at her without looking convinced, but Alex supposed he might have been a little impressed with her cool, composed demeanor. "Does soon mean not today? Because I don't have time. I have behavioral problems to deal with."

"Breakfast then? Monday?"

Cragen didn't stop to answer, just nodded his head and waved goodbye.

Alex shrugged her shoulders. That wasn't so bad. So far.

...

_**Olivia**_

It was Monday morning, busy as hell. All the people seemed to go a little wild over the weekend, the rapists came out of their holes and the wife-beaters seemed to do the same. People were streaming in and out, reporting different things, it was hard to keep up.

Cragen had already come in, and he appeared to be livid. He stormed from his office towards the door, shouting orders over the din in the bullpen, telling everyone what he expected of them that day. It was hard to make out exactly what he said, but it sounded something like, 'get ready for your new ADA to kick all of our asses.' But she couldn't be sure.

She glanced over at Jeffries, who was up and about, filing a folder over by the wall. Jeffries made eye contact with her and shrugged.

...

Olivia was filling out a report for a woman who claimed she saw a man exposing himself in the park when she heard rather than saw Elliot.

He slammed his locker shut behind her over in the corner, and her head shot up at the noise. The most concerning thing, however, was his outfit. He looked like he had just been to a luau, with his shorts, tennis shoes, and Hawaiian floral shirt. Olivia couldn't figure out why he would still be wearing his beach outfit.

Munch was already standing next to him, arms crossed, a frown on his face. They were talking, and Elliot looked just as distraught as Munch. She finished up as quickly as she could with the woman, who had no proof, so it was a waste of time to take her statement.

Standing up, she walked over to Elliot and Munch to find out what happened.

"What's up?" She said, leaning against the pillar as Elliot pulled some regular clothes from his locker.

"Came across a body last night bringing Maureen back from a beach party."

"Not just any body, though." Munch added, looking over his glasses at them both. Olivia raised an eyebrow and Elliot sighed.

"Right. He was shot in the head, and his junk was all kinds of messed up. Meaning it was on fire. And on top of all that, Maureen saw all of it."

"God," Olivia said. No wonder he looked so out of sorts. "Is she okay?"

He shrugged, rubbed his hand over his face. He looked like he hadn't slept much. Which he hadn't. "I don't know. It was pretty bad."

"Do we have an ID on the guy yet?"

"Yeah, I've got his wallet here. Let me go change and we'll go check it out."

...

The name on the license said Andrew Kroft and they figured that because nothing had been stolen off the body, it probably wasn't a random crime. The burning genitals were another clue to help that theory. At his apartment, they found out from the superintendent that Andrew lived at the place with his son, Michael. The super divulged that he received quite a few noise complaints from the neighbors; apparently the father and son fought a lot.

The huge blood stain on the bed was a dead giveaway to the crime scene, but there was no murder weapon and no evidence of breaking and entering. Munch suggested Olivia and Elliot go look for the son while he went to find out where Kroft worked, to see if he had any enemies who might want to shoot him and set him on fire.

...

_**Alex**_

As they waited for a table to open up, Alex and Cragen stood, several feet apart. They had argued back and forth about his detective's behavioral problems and whether or not it was appropriate for the Brass to assign a babysitter to one of its departments.

At the table, Alex sipped her orange juice daintily, wanting to smile at Cragen but knowing that she should not. Not yet. He would come around. She just knew it. He reminded her of her father.

"Ms. Cabot. Alex," he corrected himself. "Why should I trust you? It seems like you're a puppet for the Morris commission sent to breathe down our necks.

She leaned forward, elbows on the table, so that he'd know she was serious. "Captain, think of it this way. I plan to stand on your shoulders to reach a broader constituency. Why would I do anything to shorten my reach?" She smiled at his expression, when she knew she had him.

He bent over and reached for a stack of files on the ground next to his chair. "Alright. This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Here are our open cases."

Reaching across as Cragen handed over the files, her heart leapt. One down, the rest of the squad to go. All she had to do now was prove herself.

...

_**Olivia**_

Upon returning to the station, Olivia and Elliot hadn't found anything useful about Michael, other than the fact that he was missing and was not Andrew's son. Andrew Kroft was friends with Michael's dad and had become his legal guardian after his real father died when Michael was eight.

Munch however, had found out quite a bit about Kroft's profession, which he readily divulged to the group of detectives surrounding his desk. He worked for Radial Velocity, a missile guidance systems company directly related to the federal government and associated closely with national security.

Munch wasn't satisfied with the lack of information he got out of Craig Prince, the head of Radial Velocity, when he pressed for answers about Andrew Kroft. So he contacted his informant friend on the inside of the fed and found out that Kroft was a literal black hole. There was no information on him because his record had been wiped clean for his work in the Department of Defense and NSA. He was a guidance systems analyst and therefore had top secret status.

The lanky detective shoved a box on his desk dejectedly. It moved an inch and quivered in its place. The papers inside mainly consisted of marked out lines, interspersed with a few types words.

"This is the information they gave you?" Olivia asked, pointing at the box.

"Information. Hah!" He gave a sarcastic barking laugh. "It's censored to the maximum. They could've handed me a box of plain white paper."

"He really is top secret then, wow."

...

Cragen looked pointedly at Olivia and Elliot, effectively sending them on their way to look harder for Michael. They had a tip a few minutes before that Andrew Kroft's abandoned car might be located outside a girl's house in Poughkeepsie. It was possible the girl was Michael's girlfriend and that the car contained trace evidence.

As they walked out, grabbing their coat and keys, Olivia heard Cragen giving instructions to Munch and Jeffries. Olivia could see that Jeffries was as surprised as she was that Cragen was allowing her to leave the bullpen. She was smart enough not to question it.

"Let's see how good our new ADA is. You two go see if you can wrangle up a search warrant for Radial Velocity."

...

It took most of the afternoon, but Olivia and Elliot managed to accomplish a few things. The car was indeed at Michael's girlfriend's house. Her name was Denise, and they found Michael where he was supposed to be, mentoring Down's Syndrome kids.

When they questioned him about what he was doing on Sunday and whether he had anything to do with his guardian's murder, he didn't hesitate to tell them everything. Olivia couldn't believe it. She made damn sure he understood his rights. He was just a kid, probably didn't know what he was doing. He should have lawyered up, but she wasn't about to put a stop to a potential confession.

They got a confession all right, he claimed that the gun went off when the two of them were fighting. And they escorted Michael out of his school to his classmate's and teacher's dismay.

Back at the station, they left him in an interview room to await his court appointed lawyer, seeing as he no longer had a guardian's resources to pay for anything else.

...

A few minutes later, the Munch and Jeffries walked in, and the former had a huge smile on his face.

"You got the warrant?"

Olivia couldn't believe it. There was basically no chance in hell that they would get the warrant. It just wasn't possible. A warrant to search a top secret Department of Defense headquarters? No way.

"Yes, we got it from the new ADA," Munch said. "Really. Wow." Olivia said.

"Yeah," Munch grinned. "She wasn't bad. All legs and blonde hair and not apologetic about it either."

"Munch!" Olivia cried, punching him lightly on the shoulder.

"What?" He asked indignantly, rubbing his scrawny arm. "Well, she's not my type anyway. What did you think Jeffries?"

She rolled her eyes.

Olivia shook her head. Even Elliot was grinning like mad, seemingly excited to have a hot blonde ADA. Jeffries crossed her arms.

"You guys are ridiculous. It doesn't matter that she got our warrant no problem, just that she's hot. That's all guys worry about."

"Well, you should have seen her," Munch said, winking at Elliot.

"Anyway," Olivia deflected. "How did she get the warrant?"

"She asked if we were serious about needing a search warrant for the offices of a defense contractor to search classified national security files and then she just dialed up a number, asked for her Uncle Bill and wam bam thank you ma'am, there we go."

"Uncle bill, huh?" Olivia said quietly, a little flag went up in the back of her mind. That rang a bell. Did she know someone with an Uncle Bill? The connection eluded her, but she figured she'd think of it later.

...

The next day, Munch was unhappy with Michael's confession. He claimed that it didn't feel right, that things didn't add up. Olivia knew that his conspiracy theory detector was on overdrive because anything to do with the fed and national security tended to set it off. He wanted to know the connection between the murder and Radial Velocity. Why was it that the company and Craig Prince were making it so difficult to find out some simple information?

Cragen walked in and pointed his finger at Elliot.

"You've got an appointment with the psychiatrist."

"Oh come on, Captain. Isn't there some other way around this? Talking to these people is what got me in trouble in the first place."

"I don't have time for arguments. Just go," Cragen said gruffly, stalking off to his office.

Elliot growled under his breath at his retreated figure, threw his jacket over his shoulder and stalked out in a similar fashion to Cragen.

_Men_, Olivia thought as she shook her head.

As Munch went on and on about Radial Velocity, somehow Olivia found herself agreeing with him and decided that it sounded fishy, that it certainly seemed like they were trying to hide something. She sat down with him and started going over the mostly marked out papers with him. Jeffries soon had to get up for her own appointment with another shrink.

They wished her luck and before they knew it, an hour had passed and Elliot walked back in, looking no worse for the wear. Olivia looked up at him.

"Hey, how was it?" She asked. But he only shrugged.

"As usual, I talk too much. We'll see."

Olivia felt for him. She was thankful Dr. Jackson hadn't seen anything she said to be detrimental to the department. It was hard to imagine having your psyche, not to mention all of your previous cases, gone over with a fine-toothed comb by large committee of police officers who sat behind desks.

"This should cheer you up," she said, pointing to the board. They had taped up all sorts of things to it. Pictures of several young boys, arrows drawn in between them, information written beneath and to the side and several pictures of what looked like the same man. It looked like Andrew Kroft.

"What's all this?"

Munch smiled. "It's a cover up. I knew it all along."

Olivia tossed a crumpled paper at him.

"Quit gloating and tell him what we found."

"Turns out, Andrew Kroft is actually George Kazinski, from San Diego."

"And?" Elliot said.

"And... He just so happens to be a convicted child molester. We tracked down two other aliases, both of them had child molestation convictions and both were erased."

"How can that be? He works for the federal government. They don't let pedophiles work for them."

"Or that's what they lead us to believe," Munch said. "When it comes to national security, however, anything can be covered up."

"How many?" Elliot asked, gazing at the board.

"Eleven all together. Twelve counting Michael," Olivia said. Glancing at her quickly, Elliot balked.

"That's why he killed him. And why the evidence doesn't match up."

Olivia and Munch nodded in unison. "That's what we think."

"I'll go tell the Captain. Maybe we can get his charges reduced."

"Good idea," Olivia said. "We'll stay here and keep digging up dirt on this asshole."

Cragen and Elliot soon left the bullpen, intent on talking to the new ADA about this new development.

...

_**Alex**_

She frowned at the two men standing at her desk. Her brand new Manhattan ADA desk, one with a decent view of Columbus Park. She could just make out the top of the courthouse if she craned her neck. Cragen, she had met already and was a little fond of if she had to admit it to herself. But this detective? He rubbed her the wrong way right off the bat. A military type who might be as stubborn as she was. _**We'll see about that,**_ she thought.

She somehow managed to start off on the wrong foot with him by insulting his character and slightly mocking the inquiry into his psychological state. But she didn't feel bad about it. He deserved it, for saying such things to a psychiatrist he knew to be working for the Brass. And for coming here half-cocked and ready to take on a top secret defense operation.

He sent her a sarcastic sneer. Well, so much for winning over the detectives of the SVU. She wasn't here to baby them. They were professional adults and her job was to make sure they didn't screw up again. And if that meant pissing off Detective Stabler. So be it.

She had tried to pick up the phone as soon as they told her about this cover up to get the Feds involved, but was quickly reprimanded by Captain Cragen.

Setting the phone back in its cradle, she stared hard at him.

"We didn't come here so you can make a federal case out of this."

"What do you expect me to do? I can't reduce the charges if the victim himself hasn't admitted to being abused."

Cragen shrugged. "Detective Stabler and his partner are going to question Michael again. See if they can't get any more information out of him."

Alex stood up. "Perfect. I've been anticipating getting to see your detectives in action. I'll ride with you."

She didn't miss the look shared between the two men and didn't care much either. They could give her all the dirty looks they wanted. The job would get done and that's what mattered.

Detective Stabler pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed a number. Alex watched him from behind as they exited the building and walked towards the sedan.

"Hey Liv, you still working on Kroft?"

_Liv._ She froze inwardly, but somehow her feet kept moving. _Damn._

It was harder than she thought it would be, hearing someone else use the shortened version of Olivia's name. Shaking herself mentally, she continued to listen.

He waited for a response. "Okay, leave it with Munch and Jeffries, and meet me and Cragen at Rikers. We're gonna talk to Michael again. See if we can't get him to talk to us."

Stabler unlocked the doors and Cragen graciously allowed her to sit in the front seat. He slid into the back and Stabler finished his conversation.

It had been five years. That was a long time to go without seeing someone. Not that it mattered.

_Cold and distant_, Alex, she repeated to herself. _Cold and distant._

...

She followed Detective Stabler and Captain Cragen into the prison, the two men relinquished their weapons to the guard and all three of them walked through the metal detector. They were escorted down the hall and through several more locked doors until finally they rounded a corner and all of a sudden, Alex was confronted with the sight she had been trying to prepare herself for.

But that was easier said than done. Olivia was facing the interview room, looking through the one-way glass at Michael, who was speaking to his lawyer at the table. Her hair was different, shorter, spiky. It looked good on her, showed off her neck and muscular shoulders.

_Stop that_, Alex told herself. _Cold and distant._

As they approached, Olivia turned at the sound of their footsteps and smiled at Stabler, seemingly happy to have another chance to talk to the kid. Then her eyes landed on Alex.

And she froze, mouth open.

...

**A/N – Guess what? **

**Yep, you guessed it. I have the next chapter almost ready. My car ride was more productive than you thought. Hope you enjoyed. Sorry for the cliffhanger. But it makes you want more, doesn't it?**


	27. Chapter 27

_**A/N – Hi there readers. Thank you all so much who favorite and follow the story and me recently and not so recently. And a big thanks to everyone who took the time to review. I've got my trusty followers who are pretty faithful about leaving their thoughts but I'm so happy to see some new people letting me know what they think. Ya'll are awesome. Here's another chapter, a continuation of the previous one which got a little long. Again, I don't own this and I'm not rich from it. Promise.**_

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><p><em>Olivia was facing the interview room, looking through the one-way glass at Michael, who was speaking to his lawyer at the table. Her hair was different, shorter, spiky. It looked good on her, showed off her neck and muscular shoulders. <em>

_**Stop that,**__ Alex told herself. __**Cold and distant.**_

_As they approached, Olivia turned at the sound of their footsteps and smiled at Stabler, seemingly happy to have another chance to talk to the kid. Then her eyes landed on Alex. _

_And she froze, mouth open. _

* * *

><p><em><strong>Alex<strong>_

Cragen didn't seem to notice his frozen detective. He walked past Olivia and stood at the window. Stabler, on the other hand, looked back and forth between the two women for a second and realized that this was another moment in his life that he wouldn't understand and probably shouldn't ask. At least not yet. He walked up to Olivia and nudged her, inclining his head towards Alex.

"Our new ADA," he said.

"Yeah," Olivia said, still staring. Alex tried as hard as she could to ignore her. Had no one mentioned her name to the dumbstruck detective? Had no one warned her who exactly their new ADA would be?

"You're the new ADA?" Olivia asked her quietly.

"Yes," Alex said, making eye contact with her and immediately wishing she hadn't. Olivia was searching her eyes for answers, probing them immediately and Alex was instantly uncomfortable.

"Okay, you two," Cragen said, turning to Olivia and Stabler. "Get in there and see if you can't get him to admit to what really happened."

Olivia nodded absently and dragged her eyes away from Alex, walking in front Stabler into the interview room.

The tension was thick, almost filling the air, as Alex stood next to Cragen. He still didn't seem to notice. They watched through the one-way glass as the scene unfolded in the interview room at Rikers. Michael and his lawyer sat across from Olivia and Detective Stabler. He was tense, shoulders hunched up, head down, staring at his hands. The poor kid looked younger than his seventeen years in his oversized orange jumpsuit.

They listened through the speaker as Stabler attempted to convince Michael that it was okay to tell the truth, that it would help him to admit what really happened to him. Olivia reminded him that Andrew Kroft was not who he said he was, that he had in fact molested eleven other boys.

But it was no good. Michael closed up right away at the first mention of abuse. He got defensive, stood up and slapped the table with both hands, adamant that it hadn't happened. Stabler sat up straighter in his chair, ready to step in and restrain the young man if he needed to, and Olivia stayed where she was, eyes glued to Michael.

It was over before it started, just as Alex figured it would be. Olivia glanced over at the window, and Alex couldn't help but look into her eyes, even though she knew the brunette couldn't actually see her. Her expression mirrored Alex's. _This is hopeless,_ it said.

Alex turned to Cragen and shook her head. "Sorry, Captain. It's murder two."

She wished she could do something more for the kid, because it was obvious he had been molested as a young man. But if he didn't admit to it, under the eyes of the law, it hadn't happened.

...

_**Olivia**_

Squirming on the hard wooden bench, Olivia looked around the deserted hallway, wishing she didn't have to do what she was about to do.

The deposition was today for Michael. They would simply be taking all witnesses' statements so that both the defense and prosecution had all the facts. It had been a week and she had been informed already by the 'new ADA' as to what questions she would be asked. She and Elliot had gone over their answers together, making sure everything was correct and accurate. But Olivia was still unhappy at the prospect of walking in that room and sitting across from Alex to answer questions.

It wasn't that she was nervous. Okay, she was nervous, but she had two good reasons. One: she didn't want this kid to be found guilty and charged with Murder 2. And Two: she didn't want to be questioned by Alex Cabot.

It was just too bizarre. She still couldn't wrap her mind around what happened at Rikers the week before.

_It was just another interview. No big deal. She was standing there, arms crossed, looking in at Michael and his lawyer, unable to listen of course because what they were discussing was privileged. _

_A noise behind her caught her attention. She'd been expecting the two men and the new ADA but the sound of heels clacking towards her was foreign to her ears. She turned, eyes falling first to Elliot, whom she was glad to see, glad to get another chance to help this kid out. Olivia knew Elliot wanted to help him too. He was a good kid in a bad situation. And there was Cragen, as he should have been. But the third person was the problem. _

_Her eyes landed on the blonde, staring at her for a second before it actually registered to her slightly confused brain who it was she was staring at. _**Alex.**

_God, how long had it been? That night of her graduation from the academy. It seemed like ages ago. But there she was. Alex was the new ADA. _

_How had she not put it together before? All those clues, and she still hadn't realized who the new ADA was. Hot, blonde, hotshot lawyer. Uncle Bill. She felt like an idiot. _

_And now she was staring. Elliot had noticed. _**Shit.**_ But Alex herself was trying not to react. Obviously, she knew Olivia worked in SVU. And she had agreed to come and work here? She couldn't believe it. Why would Alex want to work in SVU? Especially under the circumstances. _

_"You're the new ADA?" She had asked dumbly. Alex seemed unaffected by all this, it all rolled off her easily. She was acting cold, clinical, trying not to show that she knew Olivia at all. _

_"Yes," Alex said confidently, but then she raised her eyes to meet Olivia's and she faltered for the first time. It looked to Olivia like Alex had been dreading this moment. And for good reason. Olivia hadn't spoken to her for over five years. And that was a choice. She had chosen Leigh as a girlfriend over Alex as a friend. After that, they had lost contact and moved on with their lives. _

_Cragen didn't seem to notice any of the life-altering events occurring in front of him as he began to speak. He told Olivia and Elliot that they needed to get in there and see if they could get Michael to admit to what really happened. Running her hand quickly through her short locks, Olivia wasn't exactly sure how she was going to focus after the reunion she'd just experienced. But she entered the interview room anyway. _

_Turned out, they didn't get anything useful out of Michael, and Alex was gone with Cragen by the time they emerged from the interview room. She had decided to go with Murder 2, because there was no other option. Michael claimed he wasn't a victim. _

And there she was, outside the deposition room, waiting for Alex to finish questioning Elliot. Then it would be her turn. Alex had already questioned the CSU tech, who had evidence that went against Michael's story, proving that he hadn't actually struggled for the gun, but had in fact shot his guardian from behind at point blank range while Andrew slept.

Elliot opened the door all too soon and she groaned as she stood. The bailiff at the door called for her and Elliot gave her an encouraging pat on the back as she walked past him and into the room. He was very understanding this past week, choosing tactfully not to ask any questions or pry into Olivia's strange behavior with ADA Cabot at Rikers. He wasn't an idiot, she knew that for sure, so he probably had an idea what was happening. She had appreciated his silence as she focused on avoiding Alex over the past week, and that hadn't been difficult considering Alex also seemed to be avoiding her.

Olivia sat down on her second hard wooden seat for the day. There was something reminiscent of Dark Age torture chambers in these court rooms, she just knew there was a connection somewhere.

The same man who called her name in the hallway and held the door for her, now held the Bible for her to be sworn in. Alex's questions were exactly as she said they would be, and Olivia was sufficiently prepared. But she couldn't keep the tension out of her voice and her body language each time she answered. Something more had to be done to help this kid. And every time she opened her mouth, she helped dig his hole deeper and deeper.

By the time it was over, Olivia wondered whether everyone in the room could feel the tension in the air between herself and the attorney. It was awkward and Olivia couldn't wait for it to be over. Alex thanked her and she stepped down, glad to be out of the room and away from the situation.

Out in the hallway, Elliot stood up from the bench she had recently vacated.

"Well?" He said hopefully.

Shaking her head, Olivia ran a frustrated hand through her hair. "He's screwed."

"I just wish there was something we could do for him. He won't speak for himself. He's too afraid, I guess."

Elliot paused, raised a hand to his chin and scratched thoughtfully.

"Maybe he won't, but I've got an idea."

"Really? What?" Olivia asked hopefully.

"Something Maureen mentioned to me last night. Everyone has friends."

"What does that mean?"

"It means he had to have talked to someone about this. Let's go talk to the girlfriend."

...

Olivia and Elliot sat in the gallery of the courtroom the next day, both of them watched as Alex questioned Michael. Today she had the advantage of information.

The day before, on Elliot's hunch about friends, they drove back up to Poughkeepsie to speak to Denise. She wanted to help in any way she could, as her main concern was her boyfriend and helping him get out of the mess he was in. However, she didn't know anything about him being molested. She told them that Andrew and Michael fought all the time, that was all she knew. If Michael was going to talk to anyone about that, it would be to his best friend Danny Burell.

They found Danny and Elliot talked to him, as he wasn't comfortable explaining what happened with Andrew Kroft in front of Olivia. It was enough to change Michael's mind about what really happened.

...

_**Alex**_

The gallery watched as Alex circled in on the teenager, starting off with easy questions and then jumping right into it. "Were you aware that Andrew Kroft was a convicted pedophile when you were living with him?"

"No," Michael shook his head, a look of disgust crossed his face. Alex stood closer to him.

"Did Andrew Kroft ever sexually assault your friend Danny Burell?"

"No!" He cried, and again his immediate defense spoke otherwise as to what really happened.

"Are you sure? Your friend Danny Burell will testify in this court that he did assault him."

Michael paused, his eyes were watering and Alex could see the pleading in them. 'Please don't make me do this,' his eyes said.

"You are under oath, Michael."

He took a deep breath. He let it out. "Okay. Yes," he said quietly.

"And did Andrew Kroft sexually assault you as well?"

Eyes downcast, his chin rested on his chest. "Since I was eight."

Alex stepped in closer, wanting to get to the bottom of this. "And is that why you killed him?"

"No!" He yelled before he could stop himself. As soon as the word left his mouth, his face showed he regretted it.

"What do you mean, no?" Alex asked, curiously. She didn't realize there was more to the story and now she was pushing for his explanation.

He sighed again, realizing that it was the time to tell the truth. To finally get it off his chest.

"It was fine, before," he started and then stopped, rubbing his hand over his tear-stained face. "I mean, I didn't like it, but I was used to it."

"And then what happened?" Alex urged him.

"He brought his friend over."

_What?_ Alex thought. _More than one?_ Her heart went out to him. That was too much for a kid to deal with. "His friend?"

"Yes. One was bad enough. But two of them? I couldn't do it. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't. ."

"So that's why you killed him?"

He nodded, his face buried in one of his hands.

"What is this man's name?"

Michael looked up sharply. Shook his head. "No."

"You need to tell us who this man is. He is still out there, still putting other kids like you in danger."

His face was a picture of heartbreak. "I can't. He'll find me. He'll kill me."

Alex shook her head, she could sense the tension in the room, everyone was sitting on the edge of their seats. She was so close.

"A child molester only holds power as long as his secret is kept."

She knew that better than anyone, thinking back to her scum bag teacher in high school, who thought he could prove by raping her that she wasn't really gay. She revealed his secret. It was one of the most difficult things she'd ever done. So she knew how hard it was for Michael to reveal his secret. Adults have so much power, they can make things happen that kids aren't capable of. It was a terrifying thing.

He closed his eyes, and she could see that he was giving in. But Alex could see the defeat in him, almost as if he knew he was signing his own death certificate.

"Craig Prince." He almost whispered it.

"Craig Prince? From Radial Velocity?"

He nodded. An almost inaudible gasp came from somewhere in the gallery. "He can get away with anything. And now he's going to kill me."

Tears were streaming down his face and Alex's heart broke for him, but she knew he wouldn't be convicted of murder two now. And on top of that, Craig Prince was about to fall very far and very hard from the top. She felt Olivia's gaze on her back and wasn't sure how to deal with her emotions. She was ecstatic at this new development and that one of Michael's tormentors would be brought to justice, but Michael was still a victim, would still suffer years and years of horrible repercussions. On top of that, he would do jail time for killing his guardian, but not as much as he might have.

And then there was Olivia. The thought of facing the detective and speaking to her and trying to regain their friendship was daunting. She didn't want to think about it. There would be time for that later.

...

_**Alex**_

This time, Cragen was much more prepared. Alex didn't know if was the increased time for preparation or the simple fact that the Morris Commission had pissed him off. Probably both. She sat towards the back again, watching intently. This was her squad now, too.

Cragen presented each of the board members with pictures of victims, some of them beat up, others tortured, one of them who didn't make it.

"You need to take a look at these pictures. Do none of you feel anything when you look at these? Do you not feel angry at the people who did these crimes?" The men and women up on the stage gazed at the pictures, some of them showed their distaste for the gruesome images and others did not.

He walked back towards the front of the stage. "Detective Stabler is a good cop. And I stand with him. He shows restraint over and over in this job that is difficult for most detectives to withstand for more than a year or two. If you don't feel anything when you look at these, then the problem is not with Detective Stabler, is it?"

Alex was impressed. He spoke with passion and hit all the right points, sticking it to them with the emotional factor. He might have made a good lawyer.

She smiled as the Commission cleared Detective Stabler.

...

_**Olivia (the next day)**_

Olivia had congratulated Alex on her win and a job well done figuring out why Michael killed his guardian. As soon as she'd smiled and said the words, she nudged Elliot and they left quickly, leaving Alex to her thoughts.

She wanted more than anything to stay and talk to the blonde about anything, about everything. But she didn't know how. Alex was acting so reserved and detached, she didn't know whether she should try or not. It must be that Alex was still angry about the ultimatum.

But now she was sitting at her desk, wishing she had stayed and said more, Alex really had done a great job. She had never seen her in full-fledged action before and it was exciting to know that everything the blonde had worked for, all her dreams and plans were coming true.

It was another busy morning, and Cragen strode past on his way to something important outside of the precinct.

As Cragen left, he waved a man dressed in street clothes with a folder in his hand away, ignoring him completely. Olivia watched as the man lifted his arms in question at the Captain's indifference. Jeffries stopped in front of him and asked if she could help. Leaning in to hear better, Olivia listened to what he said.

"Yeah, I'm Odafin Tutuola. I was supposed to talk to Captain Cragen about my reassignment, but . . ."

He trailed off, looking out the door. Jeffries gave him a cynical smile, shaking her head.

"Ah," she said. "You're here to take my job."

The man stared at her, realizing what kind of awkward situation he had landed in, and Olivia leaned back in her chair, shaking her head at all the changes happening before her eyes.

….

_**A/N – hoped you enjoyed that. The next couple, maybe three, chapters will not be directly derived from the show, I've decided, and then maybe I'll come back to the show for a little bit. And then I'll go back away from it. I've got big plans for this fic, so stay tuned, it's gonna be wild!**_


	28. Chapter 28

_A/N - here's a new update. Mostly from Alex's POV. Enjoy._

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><p><strong>I don't think you can keep someone you truly love at arm's length on purpose, they'll always end up in your arms. – Holly Nichole Miller<strong>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Alex<strong>_

A low sardonic laugh traveled across the aisle and Alex glanced over, glowering at the man sitting at the defense's table.

He had stonewalled her every chance he got, objecting and calling into question every point she tried to make. She had tried biding her time, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike the fatal blow. But Alex was not a patient person. When there was something she wanted, she found a way to get it as soon as possible. And today was not her day.

Trevor Langan was a thorn in her side and she wanted nothing more than to chuck her briefcase at him, maybe knock out some of those annoyingly perfect teeth. But that wouldn't be professional. So she waited her turn to question the next witness, making sure to take notes and figure out exactly how to pin his smug ass to the wall.

Twenty minutes later, she was stalking out the doors of the courthouse, past the enormous pillars and to the right, towards her office. Bastard was better than she had anticipated. He won, managed to get his client off on a plea of insanity, and she couldn't stand losing to someone like that. She couldn't stand losing to anyone. It simply wasn't in her nature.

And now that damned rapist, wife beating asshole would be spending time in the mental ward instead of prison where he belonged. As soon as the verdict came back, she tried to calm herself with positive thoughts, telling herself that you can't win them all, that sometimes these things happen. But that didn't work. Her blood was boiling.

She made it to the side of her building when she heard the footsteps behind her. Turning, Alex looked back and wasn't altogether surprised at who she saw. The jerk had followed her. She wasn't sure where his office was, but it certainly wasn't anywhere near the DA's office.

His footsteps grew louder as he approached, and she fought the instinct to take off running for the door of her building. Instead, she turned and faced him just as he caught up with her.

And it was then that Alex realized she might be in a bad situation.

The side of the building was darker than out in the street, as it was late in the day and the surrounding buildings were casting their long shadows over the sidewalk. And it was deserted. Her hands grew clammy and her heart began beating a nervous tattoo against her chest.

"Can I help you with something?" She asked coldly, eyeing him much like someone might look at a dead cockroach on the kitchen floor.

He smiled, attempted to look disarming.

"I just wanted to apologize. I was rough on you in court, and I didn't want you to take it personally."

"I don't take anything in this job personally," she growled, although that was a flat out lie.

"Okay. Just wanted to make sure we were still friends."

Her eyebrows rose in surprise. "Friends?"

He tilted his head, like a dog when it wondered what the hell you were up to. "Yeah. You know, at the conference, I thought we had a real connection."

Alex rolled her eyes, started to walk off. "I don't have the time or the patience for this . . ." But he cut her off by taking hold of her arm, effectively stopping her from leaving.

"Wait," he said, his eyes earnest. The hand on her arm was strong, and the grip was firm. "Come on, Alex. Give me a chance."

Her expression hardened. She attempted to wrench her arm from his grasp. What kind of women he had been with who enjoyed being handled like this, she couldn't fathom.

"Let me go," she said quietly.

"Not until you give me a chance. Let me take you to dinner."

Lips tightening into a thin line, she opened her stance, preparing herself to give him a swift kick between the legs.

"Let me go right now," she said, louder this time. He shook his head and drew her closer instead. She squirmed against him, feeling helpless as his arms enveloped her. Drawing her knee back, she was about to hit him hard when she heard someone behind them.

"Hey!" A voice called out. Both their heads whipped around to see who it was, and Alex was simultaneously relieved and angry at what she saw.

It was Olivia. Dressed in the black leather jacket, red shirt and slacks she had on during court that day, Alex didn't realize the detective had followed her. Perhaps she had seen Trevor Langan tailing her and thought Alex needed to be protected. _Well screw her,_ Alex thought. _I don't need protection._

She twisted her arm out of his surprised grasp at last and stepped back.

"Everything okay?" Olivia asked, her eyes shooting daggers at the tall defense attorney. She had seen it all, apparently, and knew that everything was not okay.

Alex cleared her throat. "Yes. Everything's fine. I was just saying goodbye to Mr. Langan."

He stood there, looking back and forth between the two women, and finally he relented. His shoulders slumped minutely, and he seemed to realize his opportunity had passed.

"Right," he said. "Well, I suppose I'll see you around then, Alex?"

She simply glared at him with no acknowledgment. "I'll take that as a yes. See you." Grinning at Alex, he turned and nodded at Olivia as he brushed past her towards the street. "Detective," he said.

Olivia watched him leave and then turned back to Alex, who hadn't moved. The blonde's eyes were still on Langan and she finally glanced over at Olivia after a few moments.

"Hello, Olivia." She said, her tone formal and professional.

Olivia frowned. "Hey. You all right?"

Alex shrugged, smiling. It didn't reach her eyes. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Taking a step towards her, Olivia inclined her head slightly. "Umm. . ." She started, glancing up the street towards Langan's retreating figure. "It looked like he was being a bit rough with you."

It was Alex's turn to frown and she crossed her arms for emphasis. "Even if he was, I can handle myself. I don't need you to swoop in and save me."

Olivia laughed and Alex couldn't stop the glare that overtook her face at the brunette's disregard for the weight of the situation. "I know that better than anyone. I still remember you kicking that teacher's ass in high school."

Alex cringed at the memory, and could see that Olivia immediately regretted saying it. "Sorry," she said. "I went too far."

"That's okay," said Alex. She uncrossed her arms. "Thanks for the concern, though."

"Sure thing," Olivia started. "I've heard he was a creep and then I saw him follow you out of the courthouse. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Thanks again, but like I said, I can take care of myself."

"Of course," Olivia said, and Alex saw something then in her eyes. What was that? Sadness?

"Everything okay with you?" She asked.

Olivia nodded too quickly, crossed her own arms and glanced around, anywhere but at Alex.

"What's the matter?" Alex asked, realizing something definitely was wrong. She had seen the detective in court earlier and she looked normal enough then. But then again, it was hard to tell with no eyes on the back of her head to see the brunette's expressions at the back of the courtroom.

"Nothing," Olivia said. "Listen, I'm glad you're okay, and that you can handle yourself." She winked. "But I've got to go. I'll see you around."

Now Alex was concerned. Olivia was the type to compartmentalize and suppress her emotions, and it was normal for her to hesitate to share anything that happened to her and then deflect the situation. The two of them shared that particular quality, and it hadn't seemed to have faded in the detective over the years. She made a snap decision in her head.

"Listen," she said. "I've got a nice bottle of scotch in my desk just waiting to be opened. What do you say to a drink?"

Apparently that was the absolute wrong thing to say, as Olivia's face fell and emotion clouded over her features. She shook her head, started to speak. Going against her previous rule of being cold and distant towards the brunette, Alex decided Olivia needed someone to talk to right now, cold and distant be damned.

"Okay, forget the scotch. Come up and let me show you my office. It's got a great view of the courthouse. Sort of."

Olivia hesitated for a moment and then smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

"Okay. Lead the way."

...

Alex opened the door to her office, and walking in with Olivia close behind, she found herself feeling nervous and self-conscious. With each move she made, she could feel the brunette's eyes on her. It had been a very long time indeed since the two of them had been alone together.

But Olivia was obviously troubled by something and now was not the time to be worried about things like that. She moved to her couch, sat down on the plush leather and looked at the detective.

Olivia walked hesitantly to the overstuffed armchair next to the couch and sat, her hands fidgeting in her lap.

"So," she said. "Trevor Langan, huh?"

Alex shook her head and pulled her face into a grimace.

"Trevor Langan is a legitimate asshole."

Olivia laughed disarmingly, looking like she hoped to add some comfort to the situation. They were both sitting stiff-backed and too close together considering their cool treatment of each other over the past few months.

Those past few months seemed to drag on with Alex going about her business, popping in to the squad room as needed, acting as civil as she could towards Olivia, and trying her best to just get her job done.

Olivia, for her part, had played along and was nice to Alex, as nice as she could be without actually trying to be friends. She refrained from asking the blonde to join her and the guys for drinks after work, but Alex didn't really mind. She simply left the courthouse or the bullpen as soon as they finished for the day. It would have been nice to get to know the detectives better, seeing as she would be working with them for at least the remainder of the year. But the way things were going, she wasn't sure it would ever happen.

And now Olivia was in her office, and things were understandably awkward. She thought maybe, that because she and Olivia had known each other in a former life, the brunette might have reached out to her and tried a little harder. Alex couldn't really blame her though, she was equally as distant over the short period of time since she'd moved back to Manhattan.

"You know they always say that about defense attorneys, but I never knew if it was really true," Olivia said, leaning back in her chair.

Alex nodded. "Not always. Some are actually pretty nice people. But that guy is a creep."

"Really?"

"You saw him. I met him at a lawyer's convention a while back for the first time," Alex started, and then paused, remembering that night. The unease she felt when Trevor had followed her back to her hotel room and waited outside the door returned to her in full force. He really was a creep.

"And…?" Olivia asked, curious now at the story the blonde had started.

"And, he was creepy then, too." She shrugged her shoulders and met Olivia's eyes. "Now that you've turned the conversation to me, you thought I'd forget about how upset you looked a minute ago downstairs."

Again, meeting the detective's eyes proved to be a mistake. It was something she had successfully avoided over the past months because she knew very well how hard it was to stop looking once she started. That bizarre drowning sensation overcame her and Alex wondered how she would stop looking into those brown orbs. Finally, after what seemed absurdly like an hour, Olivia broke their eye contact and looked down.

"Seriously, Liv. What's wrong?" Her head snapped back up at the use of her shortened name. Alex hadn't used that name the entire time she'd been assigned to SVU. Alex knew that, but couldn't help but use it. Olivia was troubled by something, and they had been close once. More than close. They had been everything to one another. She wanted Olivia to know she could trust her, that she could confide in her.

Olivia shook her head and stood up. She walked the length of Alex's office to the window overlooking the street, and she stared through the glass without saying anything. Alex didn't really know what to do. The detective was usually like this, usually a brick wall, a solid fortress of non-emotion. But every now and then, a case would get to her, Alex could see that as well as anyone. She was as far from heartless as one could get. And all of that compassion and empathy stemmed from one place. Alex wondered if she should ask. It wasn't really her place. They weren't friends. But then again, Olivia was here, wasn't she?

"Please tell me. Did something happen?" Olivia didn't move. So Alex stood up and walked closer, tentatively. Standing several feet away, still, Alex wished she could move closer, could comfort the brunette in some way. When Olivia spoke, Alex barely heard what she said.

"What did you say?" she asked softly, taking another step towards Olivia. Finally, the detective turned and faced her. And her eyes were filled with tears. Rare tears.

"It's my mom," she said, her voice still very low, but it all came out in a jumble. "The Captain just told me she had an accident. She fell down a flight of stairs and . . ."

"Is she okay?" Alex asked, but she had a bad feeling. She had a feeling what Olivia's answer would be. Olivia shook her head and a tear fell down onto her cheek. Alex moved closer, knowing she shouldn't but thinking that maybe she should. She reached out and pulled the brunette towards her and into a hug. Alex's mind flashed back to so many years ago in that deli when Olivia had wrapped her arms around her and held her when her father was sick. She was comforting, even when she didn't have to be, even when they weren't really friends anymore, or anything anymore.

And now Alex was doing the same thing. She tried to disregard the other thoughts that seeped unasked into her mind about how well they still fit together, about how perfect Olivia's body was. Those thoughts were inappropriate for the situation and inappropriate for how she was supposed to be interacting with the detective.

Olivia's tears didn't last long. She released Alex and stepped back, still looking down as she wiped her eyes. "Thanks," she said. "I didn't realize how badly I needed to cry, I guess."

Alex smiled and cleared her throat quietly. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

Letting out a derisive laugh, Olivia ran a hand through her short, dark hair. "God, Alex. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here and laid that on you after your case and . . ." She looked up and met Alex's eyes. The blonde smiled and shrugged.

"Well," she started. "I had forgotten about it until you just brought it back up." She trailed off, hoping for a smile from the brunette. When she was rewarded with one, her heart thumped at an abnormal pace in her chest.

"I just . . . I don't know. I found myself at court in the gallery and then I was following you and Langan and now . . . I . . . I should probably go," Olivia said, looking down at her watch. "I'm supposed to be at the funeral home."

"Okay," Alex said, frowning. "Do you need me to go with you?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, thanks. I'll be okay."

"Okay," Alex nodded, and she knew she should have expected that answer.

"Thanks for inviting me up. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay," Alex said again, wishing she could come up with something better to say because for god's sakes she had a Harvard educated vocabulary but her mind came up with nothing. She watched Olivia leave her office and couldn't believe what a mess she had managed to land herself in. Why in the hell had she agreed to come work here? It was too damn hard.

….

The tile was cold beneath her feet. And her apartment felt empty.

Alex looked around as she fell back into a heap onto her sofa. It was a nice place, definitely. Her trust fund had seen easily to that. Central Park West and not too far from her mother's apartment, it turned out to be an incredible find. But she felt lonely in a way that was different from her place in Brooklyn. Being here in the midst of things and surrounded by bustling activity seemed only to make things worse. And being so close to and yet so far away from Olivia didn't help either.

It was time, she decided, to go pay her mother a visit. Since Alex moved in, she had only seen Virginia twice. Once to help get her settled in, and then again for a Sunday brunch. Today, after hearing Olivia's news, she couldn't think of anything better to do than go see her mom.

She threw on her running clothes and tennis shoes, stuck her keys in the elastic of her pants and her phone on the opposite side of her waistband and headed for the street. A nice run would make her feel better. It was only ten blocks or so and she needed the fresh air.

…..

"Alexandra, what in the world?" Virginia opened the door wider, allowing her daughter to step past her, into the hallway. "Hey," Alex said, waiting until she closed the door to step in and hug her mom. It felt good.

"How are you, darling?" Her mother asked, pulling back and running her hand lightly along Alex's cheek. She sighed, rolling her eyes.

Virginia tsked and playfully flicked Alex's arm. "Don't do that, Alexandra. Young ladies shouldn't roll their eyes."

"I know, I know. You've been telling me that my whole life." Virginia smiled, pulled Alex by the arm farther into the apartment, towards the kitchen, where Alex smelled something wonderful cooking.

"Are you hungry, dear?" Alex nodded, leaned up against the counter as her mother walked to the stove and stirred whatever it was steaming inside the pot.

"What's cooking?" Alex asked, reaching around behind her to the cabinet for a glass. She filled it up with ice from the fridge and then water from the sink, drinking it down in big gulps.

"Split pea soup."

Pulling a face, Alex refilled her glass and moved closer to the stove to peer cautiously into the pot. "Sounds weird. You've never made that before." Virginia gave the pot a stir and smiled back at Alex.

"I'm trying a new recipe."

"Okay," Alex said, not questioning any further her mother's free time adventures and forays into cooking. "Have you talked to Mae recently?"

Virginia nodded. "She's upstate, enjoying her retirement out in the woods. I'm thinking about going to visit."

"You should, you need a break." Virginia pulled a spoon out of the drawer and dipped it into the pot. Smiling, she beckoned Alex over and held the spoon out. Tentatively, Alex tasted it and smiled.

"It's good."

Frowning, Virginia thumped her arm again. "Don't sound so surprised."

Alex laughed. "I'm not. You're a good cook. It's just, Mae always cooked for us for all these years and I never got the chance to experience yours."

"Aren't you sweet?" Virginia asked, in a tone that was not completely serious. "Alexandra, I've been thinking."

Alex met her eyes without really knowing what to expect. "The city is getting to be too much for me."

"What do you mean?" Virginia sighed as she pulled out a couple bowls from the cabinets and ladled out two helpings of soup into them.

"It's lonely here. The city is so big and I don't feel a part of it anymore." Alex's heart broke to hear her mother talk like that. It sounded a bit like herself around thirty minutes before. She felt guilty, knowing she should have come to visit more often. But her mother couldn't leave. She needed her.

"So you want to move?"

Virginia nodded. "Maybe. I think I'd like to go upstate and live near Mae. I've got several friends around there. You know how much I like attending benefits and things like that." Alex just stared at her.

"Recently, I haven't been able to do that here. Most of my friends have moved away, and I've stayed here, with all the memories of your father."

"You're just now feeling lonely, Mother? He's been gone for years now."

"I know, dear," she said, leading Alex around to the bar so they could sit and eat. "But for some reason it's affecting me more these days."

"But I'm here. I live closer to you now."

Virginia smiled, taking a bite of her soup. "You do. But you're busy. And I'm so proud of you."

"I don't understand. You just want to pack up and move?"

She set her spoon down, reached over and held Alex's hand in her own. "I want to do this for myself. I need to do it."

"How long have you been thinking about this?"

"A while," she admitted. "Like I said, my friends are all there and I miss them."

"I'll miss you if you leave."

Virginia smiled and squeezed Alex's hand. "You are the strongest person I know, Alexandra. I'll miss you too, but sometimes we have to make decisions for our own good. And that is what this is for me. You will be just fine without me. Darling, you haven't needed me since high school."

"I do need you. You're my mother." Alex had tears now and they rolled down her cheek and onto her shirt. She wiped hastily at them.

"I love you, dear. So much." But Alex didn't have anything left to say. Her mind was filled with thoughts of being entirely alone in the city, no mother, no one to come home to at the end of the day, no real friends at her workplace. She wasn't sure what to consider Olivia. And then she thought harder about Olivia, who had just lost her own mother. She hadn't simply moved upstate. She was really gone. Alex realized then that she was being ridiculous, that she had projected her own fears about losing her mom into the situation.

"I love you too. And you're right. You should do this. You'll be happier up there."

Virginia smiled, wiped some of the moisture from Alex's face. "Sweet girl. I'm so glad you're my daughter."

"Me too."

* * *

><p><em>AN - I have good news faithful readers. The next chapter is almost complete. I'll post it tomorrow as soon as I'm done editing. It's a doozy!_


	29. Chapter 29

_a/n- this was a fun chapter to write. I think you'll enjoy it. Let me know_.

_**Olivia**_

The vendor, a young woman in her twenties with South American features, handed Olivia two steaming Styrofoam cups of coffee. The detective thanked her and exchanged the cups for a five dollar bill. Hers was too hot to drink as she turned away and walked towards the station, so she held them in her hand, grateful for some warmth as the biting air whipped through her hair and accosted her bare ears. Her thoughts of how damn cold and snowy this winter was turning out to be were interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone in her pocket.

She fumbled around, trying to balance the coffee and several files in one hand while feeling for the phone in her pocket with the other. Finally, she found the blasted thing and flipped it open, pressing the send button with her thumb. "Benson," she said without looking at the screen. There were only a small number of people who called her, so she had an idea who it might be.

"Hey Liv." said the voice. It was Elliot, and his tone suggested that she was about to divert her path from the station directly to a crime scene. "What's up?" she asked, raising up one of the cups to blow softly over it.

"I'm heading downstairs to the car. We just caught a case."

"Okay," she answered. "I'll meet you there. I'm right outside."

She steered herself around the building to the back, where they parked the unmarked sedans, and by the time she reached hers and Elliot's assigned car, he was already there, unlocking it and sliding inside. Joining him, she was grateful to get out of the cold and into the car's semi-warmth and protection from the wind. He started the engine and looked over at her as she took a hesitant sip of her coffee. Eyeing the spare cup in her hand, he raised his eyebrow.

"Who's that coffee for?" he asked, trying in vain to keep the hope out of his voice.

"Who do you think?" she quipped sarcastically, not handing it to him. She took another slow sip of her still steaming cup. He raised an eyebrow.

"I dunno. Maybe our truly endearing Assistant District Attorney Cabot?" Throwing him a scathing look, she handed over the cup and said nothing. The bastard did that every now and then, made offhanded comments about Cabot, obviously trying to get a rise out of her. He hadn't come out and said it to her face, but he had been using this technique for months now, hoping probably, to get a least a little information from Olivia about how she knew the ADA from before.

Olivia decided a while back that if he ever directly asked her, she would tell him. She trusted the man with her life, after all. But he'd been beating around the bush, making little comments about this, that or the other and she was becoming adept at ignoring him.

"So what do we know about this case?" Olivia asked, effectively changing the subject.

Elliot flipped on the blinker and made a left turn at a light. As he moved the wheel, he sighed. "Not sure exactly what happened, but we've got two dead bodies and one report of rape over in SoHo. A woman called it in and she sounded pretty hysterical. Uniforms and CSU are already there."

Olivia nodded and took another sip of coffee as she gazed out the window._ Just another day,_ she thought.

They pulled up to the building and parked behind a police car. After showing their badges at the door, the uniformed officer directed them up the stairs and they followed a stream of crime scene techs to the correct door. The apartment was well-furnished, eclectic and homey-feeling. Directly to their left, a woman was seated on the couch, her head buried in her hands, crying profusely. A female officer had just finished jotting down notes and was closing her notebook and stepping away from the couch towards the two detectives.

"You're the SVU detectives?" she asked, looking them up and down. Olivia nodded.

"Detective Stabler, and this is Detective Benson," Elliot said, his eyes glancing over at the seated woman.

"Okay. Here's what I got so far," she started and flipped her notepad back open. "This woman, Christine Drellis, is, or was I guess, in a relationship with one of the deceased, Taylor Franks. Christine comes home and walks in on a rape in progress. We don't know yet what the guy's name is. So, Christine pulls out her gun and shoots the guy, but accidentally hits Taylor as well. They're both dead."

Olivia's brows furrowed together. She was a little confused and she glanced over at Elliot, whose expression mirrored her own. "This guy she was in a relationship with was being raped by another guy?"

It was less common than a man raping a woman, but it was certainly not unheard of. Nonetheless, Olivia wanted to be sure she understood the situation. But the officer shook her head.

"No, no. Christine was in a relationship with Taylor, a woman." Olivia understood then. Her mouth formed a silent O and she nodded her head. Elliot scratched his chin and glanced once more at the woman sitting on the couch.

"Got it. Okay, thanks for your help. We'll take it from here," Olivia said and the officer nodded and walked out into the hallway. She looked at Elliot. "You want to take a look at the bedroom and I'll talk to Christine?"

He nodded and made his way across the apartment to the open door of the bedroom. Olivia walked slowly over to Christine and took a seat across from her in an armchair.

"Ms. Drellis?" she asked softly, not wanting to surprise the distraught woman. Her long red hair partially covered her face and when her head shot up at her name, Olivia was startled by the striking green eyes that met her own. She recognized the woman at once.

"Oh, you're _that _Christine Drellis. I didn't put the name together with your face. I've seen you on Broadway," Olivia said. Christine gave a watery smile and shrugged her shoulders. "That's me."

Olivia straightened up, remembering she had questions to ask. "I'm Detective Olivia Benson. I just need to follow up with some questions about what happened here."

The red headed woman nodded her head and wiped her wet cheek with one hand.

"Can you walk me through what happened again? I understand you witnessed a possible rape?" Olivia asked cautiously, pulling out her own notepad and pencil. If the woman had indeed accidentally just shot her own girlfriend, she was sure to be upset and possibly unhelpful. But Christine gathered herself and took a deep breath.

"Yes, I was coming home from rehearsal. I expected Taylor to be here alone. We were going to go out tonight and celebrate. It's almost our anniversary, you see. Two years." Olivia nodded and continued to listen.

"I unlocked the door and heard sounds from the bedroom. Thinking maybe Taylor was in there alone, I opened the bedroom door and there he was." Her voice broke and she took a ragged breath, struggling not to cry. Olivia reached out and took the woman's hand in her own, hoping to instill some comfort.

"He was on top of her, and she was clawing at him, trying desperately to push him off. She must have heard the door because she looked up and saw me. And I saw the fear in her eyes and then I just reacted. I pulled the gun out of my purse and pulled the trigger."

Tears were streaming down her face now as she relived what happened again in her mind's eye, and Olivia's heart went out to her. "The bullet must have gone through him and hit her too. And then I realized what I had done and I called the police."

Olivia nodded. "Okay, Ms. Drellis," she started but the woman cut her off. "It's Christine, please."

"Okay. Christine. If you'll wait here, I'll go get my partner and you can come down to the station with us and give us your formal statement."

Her face crumpled with worry. "Am I under arrest?"

Olivia shook her head. "No ma'am. So far, based off what you told us, we might be looking at self-defense. But that could change. We'll see what the District Attorney says."

She nodded, but the fear didn't leave her eyes. Olivia stood up, left her sitting on the couch and made her way to the bedroom. The bed was a bloody mess. The man was sprawled on top of Taylor, his back covered in blood and the sheets beneath them were stained in a large circle. Taylor's eyes were still open, and her final, horrified expression was frozen on her face.

Elliot stood next to a CSU tech, who was measuring blood spatter on the wall behind the bed. Another one was photographing the spent casing on the floor and the abandoned gun lying nearby.

".357 Magnum?" she asked the technician kneeling next to the firearm. He nodded and continued to take pictures. "As soon as I finish up here, I'll go get a photograph of her hand for gunshot residue and take some samples for the lab."

She said okay and walked over to Elliot, carefully avoiding getting in the way of the technician's photographs. "You get any more information out of her?" Elliot asked. Olivia shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Pretty much what she told the uniform. I told her we'd take her down to the station to get her statement and we'll see what Cabot has to say."

Glancing quickly at her expressionless face and then back to the bodies on the bed, Elliot nodded. "Self-defense, d'you think?"

"Based off what she said, yeah. But if that's what happened, she did accidentally kill her girlfriend."

"She might do jail time for that."

"Maybe," Olivia agreed. "We'll see." She turned and looked back at the gun.

"And we'll need to ask her if she's got a permit for that gun."

"Yep. Alright," Elliot said to the techs. "We'll get out of your hair, guys. Let us know if you've got anything out of the ordinary."

…..

Elliot and Olivia escorted Christine from the apartment downtown to the station. Once they got her settled into an interview room, they reconvened outside and waited for Cragen to show up.

An all too familiar now clack-clacking sounded from around the corner and Olivia turned at the sound, surprised that their ADA had responded so quickly to the news of the two dead bodies and possible rape.

"Detectives," Alex said succinctly as she walked up. She placed her briefcase on a table near the wall and stepped up to the glass, looking in at the woman seated in the room.

"So, what has she said so far?"

Elliot proceeded to explain everything they'd seen and heard about at the crime scene and Alex listened intently. Olivia stood next to him and continued to stare at Christine, focusing intently on keeping her attention inside the room.

"And we were thinking it might be self-defense, but she did accidentally shoot her girlfriend, pending the CSU results. So we brought her in," Elliot finished. He had explained gracefully all about Christine walking in on her girlfriend being raped by this man, and when Olivia glanced over quickly at Alex to catch her expression, it was neutral. If Elliot was bothered by the fact that this woman was gay, he certainly didn't show it. And Alex gave nothing away in any of her mannerisms.

"Okay," Alex started, crossing her arms and looking again through the glass. "You're right about the self-defense. In New York, it's perfectly legal for someone to act with deadly force if a loved one is being raped or burglarized or anything of that nature. But maybe I can get involuntary manslaughter for the girlfriend. At the least, she'll have to serve twelve months."

"But it was an accident," Olivia said, turning and speaking to the attorney for the first time. "She has to do an entire year for that?"

Alex nodded, meeting the brunette's gaze, a mistake as usual, but she was a glutton for punishment. "That's the minimum sentence a judge can give out for involuntary manslaughter."

Letting out a quiet sigh, Olivia crossed her own arms, unhappy with the direction the conversation had gone. "So if you two will let her know what we're charging her with, read her rights, and let her call her lawyer if she'd like, I've got things to do."

Both Olivia and Elliot watched as she walked away, all business. Elliot turned and raised an eyebrow at his partner, and she shrugged, not really knowing what to make of Alex on any given day.

After they told her what she was charged with, the detectives read her the Miranda warning and sat with her while she waited for her lawyer to arrive. When he was there finally, they told Christine when her arraignment was and that she'd have to stay in lockup until then.

"You mean, I have to go to prison?" she asked tearfully, her arms folded protectively over her chest.

Olivia nodded. "I'm sorry, Christine. The judge will tell you how much bail will be at arraignment, but until then, you'll have to stay in lockup. It's only for the night. Arraignment is tomorrow."

Sobbing now, she looked up at her lawyer. "But I . . . I don't belong in prison. I was protecting . . . her." Olivia's heart went out to her, but there wasn't anything she could do.

"We'll need to take your formal statement now. If you could write down everything that happened here," Elliot handed her a notepad and a pen, and she took it slowly, wiping her tears on the back of her arm.

"I can't believe I have to relive this over and over," she murmured, her tears finally stopping as she concentrated on writing. She was looking pale, but she continued to write over the next few minutes.

They needed to cover a few more points before they took her down to processing, so Olivia leaned forward and asked in a soft voice. "This man," she started. "You're positive that you've never seen him before?"

She shook her head and a disgusted look crossed her face. "The first time I saw him, he was on top of . . . Taylor. In our bed."

"Okay," she nodded. "And the gun. Is it yours?"

Dropping the pen, Christine's hands covered her face and the sobbing started all over again. "It was . . . my father's." She hiccupped. "A birthday present because he was worried . . . about me."

And then a number of things happened all at once, creating a mass chaos in the small room. Christine's chair scraped backwards loudly, and she leaned over, her head between her knees. A loud retching sound came from behind the table and Olivia realized right away that she was about to throw up. The brunette stood up quickly and backed up, not wanting it to splatter all over her legs and shoes. Elliot did the same.

And around the time they heard the liquid hitting the floor, the interview room door swung open and Cragen walked in with a file. His face mirrored their own at the scene taking place. The lawyer backed away a little too late, and his face contorted in disgust at the mess his client had just made.

"I think," she croaked. "I need . . . to go to the hospital." Cragen nodded at Elliot, who walked around the desk and helped her up, stepping carefully over the mess. "I'll take her before we go down to processing," he said. He put an arm around her and helped her to the door, and the lawyer followed quickly behind, wanting to get away from the room.

Cragen crinkled up his nose and handed Olivia the file in his hand. "CSU and M.E.'s report just came in. Her story matches up. Gunshot residue on her hand. One shot fired and blood spatter is consistent. Signs of trauma to Taylor's genital area."

Olivia nodded, opening it up and glancing briefly inside. "You need help cleaning this up?" he asked, pointing under the table. Her head swiveled from the mess on the floor back to the Captain. She stared at him with an open mouth.

"We can't call a janitor?" He shook his head, chuckling to himself as he walked back out the open door.

"Did you forget?" he asked. "This is SVU. We don't get those types of amenities. Janitor comes in once a week, and that's not until Sunday. The mop is in the supply closet down the hall."

She groaned and ran a hand through her hair. _Not a good way to end the day,_ she thought.

…..

The next day, Elliot's phone rang on his desk. "Stabler," he said as he placed it between his ear and shoulder. "Hey Cabot," he said casually, glancing up at Olivia and winking at her. She glared at him and looked back down at her files. "Okay," he said, waiting for several moments before he spoke again. "All right. Thanks. Yep, bye."

"That was Cabot," Elliot said pointedly as he hung up the phone.

"I gathered," she said, scribbling out a line she had just screwed up. _Damn him._

"She just got out of arraignment," he started and then paused, waiting for her to look up. Rolling her eyes, she met his gaze. "And?" she asked.

"And the judge gave Christine $10,000 bail. Since she pled guilty, the judge went ahead and agreed to the minimum twelve months in prison. She has thirty days to report."

"Okay," Olivia said, nodding her head. She pursed her lips after a moment of though "The system is crazy, you know? We've got drug dealers in there doing four or five months, people who actually and purposely ruin people's lives. And Christine gets a year for an accidental death."

Elliot shrugged. "I don't know why you're standing up for her like this. She did end two people's lives."

Staring at him, Olivia raised an eyebrow. "One of them was a rapist."

"I know. And the other wasn't."

"Whatever," she said, putting her head back down and returning to her file.

…..

_**Alex**_

Alex picked up a stack of papers and straightened them, hitting them lightly on her desk until they all lined up perfectly. The week had been productive so far, and she felt that justice had been done in Christine's case. Yes, it was difficult to determine how far a person is allowed to go in terms of self-defense. But she knew that although the system wasn't perfect, it was set up to deal with extenuating circumstances and this case was no exception.

She sat back in her chair and ran the fingers of one hand through her slightly tangled hair. Arraignment was the previous day and she had just finished all of the necessary paperwork. It was ready to be filed the next morning. Now she could head home, have a glass of wine and relax on her couch. Maybe she'd even go for a walk in the park later.

A pang of sadness hit her all at once as she stood up and gathered her things. Before last week, she had the option to visit her mother at the end of every workday or on a weekend if she wasn't busy with something else. And now that Virginia was completely settled in to a cozy little house in Cold Spring, Alex found herself feeling a little lost without her mother around. Granted, the little community on the Hudson was only about an hour's drive away, she still felt sad that Virginia had decided to leave the city.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing phone on her desk. She thought briefly about letting it ring, and then reluctantly set her briefcase down and walked back to the desk.

"ADA Cabot," she said primly. "Hey, Alex." The voice on the other end was unmistakable. Strange that Olivia should call just as she was thinking about her mom.

"Olivia," she said, leaning up against her desk and waiting for whatever news the detective was about to lay on her. "What can I do for you?"

There was silence for several long moments on the other end and finally the other woman spoke hesitantly. "I've got some bad news," she said. _Shit_, Alex thought. _What now?_

"What kind of bad news?" she asked, ready for anything. Another pause.

"Well, Elliot was going over the files a minute ago and came across some information about the gun used in Christine Drellis' case."

"What about it?"

"Um. . ." Olivia started. And Alex was growing impatient.

"Just spit it out, Liv." She knew that using the detective's shortened name sounded odd, considering their still rocky friendship or acquaintance depending on how you wanted to look at it, but it was one of those things that couldn't be helped.

"It looks like we might have made a mistake."

"You need to be more specific."

"We . . . well, when Christine lost her lunch in the interview room, we didn't get the chance to ask any follow up questions about the gun. Like, did she have a permit or did her father have a permit when he gave her the gun."

"And?"

"And, we just ran the gun through the system and it turns out it's stolen."

Alex realized all at once that she was definitely not ready for anything. She thought she was, but she hadn't been ready for this. This was bad. This was the entire case.

"Detective," she said slowly. "You need to figure out, and quickly, where and how she got her hands on that gun. This changes everything." The last, she said to herself more than anything.

"I'll work on a warrant for her apartment. Damn it!" she said into the phone. She slammed it down without saying another word to the detective and pinched the bridge of her nose.

…

_**Olivia**_

"Hey Liv," Fin's voice carried over to her ears from across the squad room. She had her head in her hands, frustration was quickly rising to a boiling point. Looking up, she glanced around for the man and finally saw him over by the door. He was motioning to her, trying to get her to hurry up. She stood up, threw on her coat and hurried towards him.

"What's up?" she asked as she followed him to the stairs. Apparently they needed to move quickly and didn't have time to wait for the typically crowded elevator.

"I've got an idea about where that gun came from," he said, his voice low.

"Really?" she asked, grateful as hell for any sort of break. They needed to figure out the gun situation quickly before Cabot could get her hands on a warrant. "Yeah," he said. "Back in Narcotics, I knew this guy who sold black market guns to upper class people. People who can't really get their hands on a gun any other way. Let's go talk to him."

She nodded and hurried down the stairs with him to the street.

A quick ride uptown took them to a dark alley that smelled of rotting garbage and dried blood. A greasy door was to their right, and Fin stepped up to it and knocked three times. After a moment, it opened a fraction and a pair of dark eyes peered out at them.

"What you want?" the voice that belonged to the eyes said.

"I wanna talk to Marco," Fin replied. The eyes darted back and forth between Fin and Olivia.

"Hold on," he said and shut the door again. Olivia looked worriedly over at the detective. "Are we about to get shot?" she asked, only halfway joking.

Fin shrugged. "Nah, prolly not. Me and Marco go way back."

The whole thing was sketchy. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up and chills ran up and down her spine. This was not looking like a favorable, much less safe, situation. But she stood her ground, confident that Fin had her back if something went wrong.

Finally, the door opened again and the man with the beady eyes stepped aside to let them in. Inside, it didn't smell much better than it did in the alley, but at least they were out of the cold. The man led them down a narrow hallway towards the other side of the building. Olivia cringed as she stepped on and crunched the glass of several used syringes. There were closed doors to both sides of the hallway and strange sounds drifted out from several of them. Olivia didn't like this place at all, and the feeling seemed to get worse and worse as they went further into the maze of doorways.

At the end of the hall, the man opened the last door and let it swing inward. Fin led the way inside and Olivia followed. Inside the door, there was a basic open apartment. It looked like a hotel room with a bed on the opposite wall, a couch in front of a blaring TV and a small kitchenette over in the corner. Olivia guessed this building might have been a hotel once upon a time. A man sat at the small kitchen table, several guns laid out on the surface and a small tray with several lines of cocaine lay next to him.

"My man Marco," Fin said, smiling. Marco stood up and grinned as broadly as Fin, walking up to him and performing a handshake, followed by a half man-hug. Olivia looked around and counted all the things she could arrest this Marco guy for. But she stayed quiet. This was Fin's old stomping ground and she respected that.

"Fin," he said happily, his voice thick with a Venezuelan or maybe Brazilian accent. He ignored Olivia completely. "Long time no see, man."

"Yeah, I know. Listen, I need some information." Marco's face turned serious and he motioned for the two of them to sit down at the table. Once they were seated, Marco leaned in and scooted some of the guns out of the way. He acted like the cocaine wasn't there.

"Anything for you, man. What you need?"

"We've got this case, right?" Marco nodded, listening intently. "This chick, Broadway star, she's got this girlfriend."

"Ah, a lezzie. Yes, one of my favorite kinds of women." He grinned mischievously and punched Fin's arm playfully. Olivia struggled to keep her face neutral. She wanted to punch this guy in the throat.

"I bet you know some girls like that don't you, chica?" He eyed her short hair and raked his gaze over her body. She immediately stiffened and sat up straighter, ready to tell him off. Fin kicked her lightly beneath the table and she sat back reluctantly.

"Right," Fin said, continuing with the story. "She comes home and sees her girlfriend gettin' down with a dude."

"Ooo, did she join in?" His face had interest written all over it. Fin shook his head.

"Nah, man. She shot him in the back and accidentally killed her girlfriend too."

"Shit," he said, shaking his head. "What a waste."

"So, we just found out the gun is stolen. And I thought you might know somethin' about it."

Marco leaned back in his chair and nodded. "I might. What kind was it?"

".357 Magnum." He scratched his chin and looked thoughtful for a moment. And then he sat up.

"Hey! Eddie!" he yelled suddenly, and the door to the room promptly swung open again. The man with the beady eyes popped his head in. "What's up, boss?"

"Bring Jorje in here. I wanna talk to him."

"Okay, boss." Eddie shut the door again and Olivia could hear his footsteps retreating down the hall. Marco and Fin chatted some more about what each of them had been up to recently and Olivia wondered about their friendship, whether this guy was Fin's Confidential Informant or what. A minute later, the door swung open again and another man came into the room. This one was tall with slicked back hair and a goatee. He looked like a movie star, somebody straight out of a Godfather movie.

"Hey, Jorje," Marco said. "You sell a .357 Mag to a white lady lately?"

Jorje crossed his arms and thought for a moment. He nodded. "Yeah, why?"

"What she look like?"

He shrugged. "I dunno. White lady. Rich. She had red hair."

Marco looked over at Fin and raised his chin. "That sound like your lady?"

Fin nodded. "That's her. Did she say anything when you sold it to her?"

The tall man shifted uncomfortably on his feet. He apparently knew they were cops and didn't like being questioned.

"Girl said something about killing her cheating bastard boyfriend and the bitch too."

"Her boyfriend, huh?" Fin asked. That didn't quite match up with the story, but the knowledge that it was a stolen gun and information from his C.I. should be enough for a warrant. "Okay, man." Fin said, standing up and holding out his hand to Marco. Marco shook it and they did another half-hug. "Thanks."

"Sure thing, Fin. Anytime."

Fin glanced quickly over at Olivia, who stood up next to him, more ready than ever to get the hell out of there.

Out in the street, clear of the alley and that foul-smelling building, Olivia allowed herself a deep breath of relief and fresh air. "Damn, Fin."

He laughed and unlocked the car. They slid in and he started the engine. "How are you connected to those guys? There were drugs and probably stolen guns all over that place."

Shaking his head, he kept his gaze out the front windshield. "It's a long story. All those years in Narcotics gets you a lot of connections. Some good, some bad. I don't run a raid on his operation, he keeps me informed with almost anything I want to know."

"Okay," she said, wanting to know more, but realizing he probably wouldn't give up anything else about it. "Cabot probably had enough for a warrant to begin with. But now we have motive."

"So this lady knows her girlfriend is cheatin', buys a stolen gun from the streets and prolly plans down to the moment when she's gonna do 'em."

"She does work on Broadway. She's creative _and_ deceptive," Olivia said, still amazed at the twist the case had taken.

"Right, I'll give Cabot a call once we get back to the station and you and Elliot can go to Christine's apartment and pick her up."

…

Olivia had two folded blue slips of paper snugly located on the inside of her coat. One was a warrant to search the premises, and the other was a warrant for Christine Drellis' arrest. Now, with motive, means, and intent they would be charging her with two counts of Murder 1. The fact that she only fired the gun once was of no consequence. She just happened to kill two birds with one stone.

Elliot knocked on the door to her apartment and they waited. And waited. There was no answer. Olivia stepped back and nodded at her partner. This was one of his favorite things to do and she let him, knowing how happy it made him. Stepping back and hitching his pants up, he raised his right leg and threw his momentum forward, delivering a loud front snap kick to the front door. It burst open immediately and they stepped inside, hands on their guns, ready to take Christine down with force if they needed to.

But a few steps into the apartment were all it took. It was completely and utterly empty. Totally cleaned out except for a few scattered papers on the kitchen counter.

"Shit," Olivia said, and she heard Elliot mutter a few of his own colorful curse-words from beside her. He holstered his weapon and walked over to the counter, rifling through the remaining papers.

"Damn it," he said, turning them over. "Liv, come look at this."

She stepped up next to him and got a good look at what he was pointing at. It was a receipt from Rochester Private Airlines for a chartered flight to Croatia. "She's gone. She fled the country."

"She had us fooled, she's one hell of an actress. And she's rich apparently. Rich enough to fly out of the country."

Olivia nodded in agreement, wanting so much to crumple up the papers and tear them to little pieces in anger.

"And now she's in a country with no extradition agreement," Olivia said.

He nodded. "Cabot's going to kill us."

"Cragen's going to kill us."

They stared at each other for another moment, picked up the remaining papers to take with them and left the apartment, closing the busted door behind them as best they could.

…

Her phone rang shrilly in her pocket. "Benson," she said.

"Detective," it was Alex. Her voice was measured and slow and brimming with something that Olivia knew was probably seething anger. "I need to see you and Detective Stabler in my office as soon as possible."

"Okay," Olivia said, knowing full well that they were in trouble. The case had spiraled quickly into a shit storm. "We'll be there in ten."

"Hey El," she caught her partner's attention. "Cabot wants to see us in her office. She's pissed." Elliot had just hung up his own phone and gave her a sympathetic look. She stared at him.

"No way," she said. "You are not sending me into the lion's den by myself."

"I'm really sorry. It's Kathy. She's gonna have my balls on a platter if I don't get there and take the kids to their swimming lesson."

"She can't do it?"

Elliot shook his head. "She's got a doctor's appointment."

"Shit," Olivia said under her breath. She stood up and reached down to pick up her coat. "Ice Princess, here I come."

"Good luck," Elliot said as he hurried off to take the stairs. She opted for the elevator, wanting to prolong her ass-chewing as long as possible.

….

_**Alex**_

Alex shuffled through her papers, searching frantically for a loophole, something to get her out of the mess her detectives had landed her in. There had to be some way to get Christine back to the United States to prosecute her. Killing two people in cold blood was not something she was simply going to let go.

A knock sounded on her door. Perfect timing. She was in dire need of a punching bag.

"Come in," she called out, still looking down at her papers. The door opened and she saw someone step in from her peripheral. But there was only one person where there should have been two. She looked up, set her pen down on her desk and eyed the wide-eyed detective standing in front of her desk. The last time the brunette had been in her office, the circumstances were very different and she was comforting Olivia as much as she could. As much as Olivia would allow. But this was not a comforting type of day.

And now her anger had bubbled up inside her and she was about to go off.

"Where the hell is Stabler?" she demanded, standing up and laying her hands flat on her desk.

"He had to pick up his kids," Olivia said quietly.

Alex took a breath. "Fine. You'll just have to take it for the both of you."

Raising an eyebrow in the ADA's direction, she crossed her arms, apparently not caring how defensive it made her look. Alex figured that Olivia needed as much defense as she could get with the barrage of hate she was about to receive from the blonde. Alex squared her shoulders.

"How in the _hell_ am I supposed to successfully prosecute a case without all of the pertinent information? How can you two even call yourselves Detectives for the city of New York when you can't even follow up on a murder weapon? Did they fail to teach you that part of the investigation process in the Academy?" Olivia's face was more shocked than Alex expected. She looked slightly indignant.

"What do you want me to do, Alex? It's done!" She stepped closer to the blonde's desk, realizing that Alex was correct about everything, but she didn't like to be yelled at.

The blonde walked around the side of her desk and got in Olivia's face. "It wouldn't be _done_ if you had done your job! That murdering, lying woman wouldn't be in _fucking Croatia_ if you and your buffoon of a partner had simply _Done. Your. Job._"

And now Alex had successfully made Olivia mad, too. The brunette took a step forward and crowded Alex's personal space. Alex took a step backward, uncomfortable now with how close they were to each other, how close their faces were. How close their lips were.

"Well, I can't do anything about it now. It's over. So I'll ask you again. What do you want me to do now?" Olivia's voice had lowered to a growl, and Alex noticed Olivia's eyes dart down to her mouth before sliding back up to meet her eyes. She was drowning again in the brown depths and she had to claw her way back up. She struggled to find her voice. Finally, it came out in a ragged growl similar to Olivia's.

"I wanted you to get it right the first time, _Detective_!" She emphasized the last word, hoping to get some space between the two of them, hoping to get Olivia to back up a little. It wasn't working. She was now pressed up against her desk, cornered by the detective. She wanted to shove the brunette away, she wanted to pull her closer. It was a strange feeling. Her blood was boiling and the heat seemed concentrated in areas she'd rather not think about at that moment. Her inner battle was lost momentarily as she felt her own eyes drawn to Olivia's mouth. They did it all by themselves, she had no control.

She then had no control over her hands when Olivia closed the space between them suddenly, her mouth descending almost violently on the blonde's. Her hands went to the back of Olivia's neck and pulled her closer, running her fingers roughly through the short hair. A barrage of feelings and emotions surged through her, licking through her veins as surely as fire through a dried up field. She couldn't think, she could only feel.

And god, the feelings she felt. Olivia's tongue in her mouth, forcing its way inside, her own tongue receptive and dueling. The detective's hands on her face, and then trailing down her body around to her back to pull her inexplicably closer. Her mind could think of nothing but continuing to kiss this woman as long as she possibly could. And then, suddenly, it was over.

Olivia pulled away and stepped back as quickly as she had started. Her eyes were clouded over with lust and Alex was sure her own expression was mirrored there. But there was something else in the brunette's eyes. _Was it fear?_ Alex wondered vaguely, still feeling faint from the mind-numbing kiss.

"I . . ." Olivia started and then cleared her throat and swallowed, looking anywhere but at Alex. "I've gotta go."

Alex didn't know what to say. And even if she did, she wasn't sure her voice could be trusted to actually work. What in the hell _was_ that?

….

_**Olivia**_

Back at her desk, Olivia found Elliot just sitting down, a stressed look on his face. She wondered what her own expression held. Trying to dismiss all thoughts of what had just happened out of her head, she went for a neutral expression, hoping that was all anyone could see.

She sat down and ran a hand through her short hair. Elliot noticed the gesture and looked up at her. His eyes widened in surprise.

"Sorry you had to go through that alone," he said, but his tone held something else. It was playful, almost. _Bastard had done it on purpose_, she thought. He had let her go in there alone and make a huge fucking mistake and now he was laughing.

"You are an asshole. How are your kids?" Elliot was still staring at her. He looked distracted.

"Uh, they're fine. Listen, Liv." Her head shot up and she looked at him.

"What?"

He leaned in and pointed to his mouth. "You should probably go to the bathroom and take a look in the mirror."

Brows furrowed in confusion, she raised a hand to her own lips, wondering what he saw. "Why?" she asked, thinking maybe she had food on her face or something.

Laughing quietly now, he shook his head. "Well, I'm pretty sure you don't normally wear that shade of lipstick."

Her eyes grew wide with horror as she realized what he meant. _Goddammit._

She stood up and stalked off to the bathroom and shoved the door open. Her reflection showed an exhausted, slightly pale, slightly terrified Olivia Benson wearing a shade of lipstick that didn't quite match her tanned skin tone. Not to mention the fact that it was slightly smeared. _Shit._ She grabbed a paper towel and wet it, reaching up to scrub at the damned red stain.

Back in the bullpen, she smacked Elliot on the back of the head as she walked by, grabbed her coat and wrapped it around her shoulders. "Where are you going?" he asked, unable to keep the smirk off his face.

"For a walk. Let's go," she said, not waiting for him to react as she headed for the elevator. He finally comprehended what she was saying, that she was finally ready to talk and he jumped up and grabbed his own jacket, hurrying after her.

…


	30. Chapter 30

_"So. . ." Elliot said finally because Olivia had been silent for a good five minutes as they walked down the sidewalk of Park Row. He had dutifully remained quiet and glanced anywhere but at his partner as they walked together. The weather was nicer than it had been, at least it wasn't snowing and it wasn't unbearable to be outside._

_Her head snapped up at his interruption and she ran a hand through her hair, a habit she couldn't seem to break, especially when she was frustrated. Taking a breath, she looked over at him and met his eyes, sometimes more grey than blue, not quite as blue as Alex's, but still, they were striking against his dark hair._

_"I made a huge mistake, El."_

_He blinked, but his expression gave nothing away. Perhaps he already knew that was true and didn't want to rub salt in her wounds. Fine. So she went on._

_"Remember when Abbie Carmichael was our ADA for a while a couple years ago?"_

_Nodding, he put his hands in his pockets and stepped around some street vendors as they stood, selling their wares._

_"Yep," he said simply. "You wouldn't tell me what the deal was with her either."_

_Olivia glared at him. "If you'd shut up and listen, I'm about to."_

_He mouthed the word **okay** and put his head down, thoroughly admonished._

_Another breath._

_"Well, here's what happened. And I don't know how Alex would feel about me telling anyone all this, so keep your mouth shut about it, okay?" He nodded. "Okay. Alex and Abbie used to date back in law school, so that's why she and I butted heads at first . . ."_

_He interrupted right away. "Wait, you knew Cabot all the way back in law school?"_

_She scratched her head and looked up briefly at the grey, swirling clouds peeking behind the enormous buildings._

_"I knew her a long time before that," she said, still gazing at the sky._

_"So, you two . . .?" He started, but trailed off. Perhaps he didn't want her to get pissed at him for making assumptions. But whatever he was assuming, it was probably close to the truth. She broke eye contact with the clouds and looked at him._

_"Yeah, we were together."_

_"Okay," he said simply. "So what happened?"_

_She frowned. So much had happened. It was difficult to know where to start. He seemed to have a pretty good idea of how long ago this all was, so she decided to start at the part where she had royally fucked it all up._

_"We dated in high school when she transferred from her school to mine, and then when we graduated, we went our separate ways in college but stayed together. And, long story short, I sort of cheated on her and she broke up with me."_

_**"Sort of** cheated." He said, not really comprehending. Olivia had witnessed his unfailing loyalty to Kathy and was more than aware of his narrow-sided moral compass. Hers was pretty narrow as well, but that one time, that one mistake, the damn thing kept coming back to haunt her._

_"Another girl kissed me, I didn't kiss her back."_

_"Okay," he said with an expression that showed how much he disagreed with the way she thought about cheating. "And then what?"_

_"Then we didn't speak for a while until her dad passed away and I was dating someone else by then. And at the time, she was seeing Abbie and soon after that I invited her to my graduation from the Academy."_

_"Damn. You two **have** known each other a long time."_

_"Yeah. So while we were all out celebrating, the girl I was dating, Leigh, was jealous of what Alex and I used to have together. I told her we were just friends and all that, but she gave me an ultimatum. Alex's friendship, or my relationship with Leigh."_

_"What did you pick?"_

_Olivia looked over and raised an eyebrow at him. "You can't feel the hate and anger rolling off of Alex towards me can you?"_

_He shrugged, smiled cynically. "I thought that's how she acted towards everyone."_

_Olivia considered this for a moment. "Maybe she does. Maybe she's closed herself off from everyone."_

_"So you picked. . . what was her name?"_

_"Leigh, yeah. I did. And I'm not sure if Alex has ever forgiven me."_

_"Did you ask for forgiveness?" He asked simply. He would say that, devout Catholic that he was._

_She shook her head. "No. And you're right. I should do that. But she's giving me mixed signals."_

_"How's that?"_

_"I went to her office after my mom . . ." She trailed off, still not really wanting to talk about it. He reached over and put a hand on her shoulder and she shrugged it off, sending him a glare with a roll of her eyes. She was fine. Absolutely fine. He retracted his hand, realizing that she didn't want or need his comfort._

_"And she was nice. Comforting. It was like nothing had changed between us. But since then, it's been . . ."_

_"Not nice?" He offered. She shook her head._

_"Not nice at all. Especially after we screwed up with the Drellis case."_

_Their gazes met again and Olivia could plainly see the apology in his eyes. "I feel terrible about leaving you alone to go over there, Liv."_

_"I know you do. But anyway, when I was there, we were yelling at each other and she was, of course, insulting our detective work, and then it got . . ."_  
><em>She didn't quite know how to put in into words. How do you tell your partner that the sexual tension reached a point that she just couldn't take it anymore? That she couldn't control herself and that simple fact terrified her?<em>

_"Heated?" He tried and she rolled her eyes. He already knew. "Yes. And then I kissed her."_

_"Oops," he said, fully aware of what that meant for the two women, how negatively relationships of any kind within the workplace were viewed. What he didn't realize and what she wasn't going to tell him was that she felt incredibly guilty for what she had done. It felt like she was attacking Alex, forcing her into something she didn't want, regardless of the fact that Alex had responded to her kiss._

_**Too much time in this line of work**, she thought. Or maybe it was something deeper, that sinister demon that surely lurked beneath the surface, thanks to her fucked up genetics. "No shit, oops."_

_"Did she slap you? I totally would have slapped you," he grinned._

_"I'm about to slap __**you**, you asshole," he didn't stop smiling. "It's not funny, El. She kissed me back, I think. And then I realized what I was doing and I left."_

_"You __**think** she kissed you back?"_

_"Well, she didn't slap me. But . . . shit, I can't do this, El. How am I supposed to work with her after I did something like that?"_

_He shrugged. "Unless she says something about it, I'd pretend like nothing happened. It was a mistake, obviously, and now you have to deal with it."_

_"It's not that easy."_

_"I know that. But I'm not the best advice-giver in the world. You probably should be talking to Kathy. The girls ask her for advice all the time."_

_"You're an idiot," Olivia said pointedly. "She's their mother."_

_He laughed. "I know. But she's a woman. Men suck at this stuff. I suck at this stuff. That's why I never asked what was up between you and Cabot. Because I wasn't sure I wanted to know."_

_"You absolutely wanted to know," She accused. He shrugged in agreement._

_"Okay, fine," he said. "But, seriously. It's a dangerous line you're walking, Liv. You could lose your job over this. You both could."_

_Sighing, she looked down at the ground. "I know. I know."_

...

Her hands fumbled with the paper towel, it slipped from her fingers and fluttered slowly to the floor at her feet. The same hand that dropped it traveled up to her brow, scratching it thoughtfully as she stared at the ground. The shaking in her hand had intermittently started and stopped throughout the morning. At first she thought maybe it was too much coffee, maybe a different brand with higher caffeine, but when she checked the brand it was indeed the same as they had always used. The only other thing it could be was . . . no. No. She didn't want to think about that.

But, as with most things that people attempt to keep buried deep within their minds, it rose unfailingly to the forefront and it was all she could think about. She bent down and picked up the forlorn looking paper towel and tossed it in the trash before she pushed her way out of the bathroom and back down the hall to the bullpen. Was it a mistake, what she had done the day before? She sighed, ran a hand through her hair for what felt like the twentieth time that morning and thought back to her conversation with Elliot yesterday evening. _Of course it was a mistake. Why did I do that?_ She thought, sitting down in a huff at her desk.

Shuffling some papers around, Olivia tried to look busy. But she was unsuccessful. The day was slow, and there was too much on her mind to get anything done. The never-ending stack of paperwork on her desk was still there, still glaring at her, whispering that she was behind. Very behind. And still she sat there, head in her hands, unable to pick up a pen. _Why did I do that?_

"What's eatin' you, partner?" Elliot said from across their desks, pulling his own paperwork towards him and attacking it with gusto. She could only shake her head, and he shrugged as he scribbled some words on a page and tossed it into his basket.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked, not looking up as he wrote across another page. Finally, Olivia lifted her eyes, peeking through her hands.

"I think I've done enough talking for a lifetime, El," she said morosely, absently scraping an invisible piece of dust across the desk.

Elliot paused, his eyes tracking movement behind her, over by the elevator.

"Okay," he said. "But . . . don't look now, 'cause there's an Alex Cabot back there walking towards us."

Her eyes widened. She hadn't expected a visit from the blonde. Olivia didn't know what she expected from her. The increasingly familiar sound of heels traversing the cement floor hit her ears and she turned, despite Elliot's warning. Alex looked stunning, as usual. Her crisp, tailored jacket and skirt hugged every slim curve and showed just enough of her long legs. And the glasses Alex donned every now and then, Olivia wanted so badly not to think about how beautiful the blonde looked in those glasses but failed miserably. Her eyes slid up to Alex's face as the blonde approached and Olivia turned completely in her chair to face her.

"Detective Stabler," Alex said, nodding to Elliot and stepping up to the side of Olivia's desk. She glanced down at the brunette, aware of brown eyes burning a hole through her head. Elliot waved his free hand meekly at the blonde, his pen hovering, frozen, above the page he was working on. He was still, watching the exchange carefully.

Alex opened her mouth to speak, and Olivia worked hard not to watch it as it opened and closed. "Detective Benson, may I speak with you please?"

Olivia nodded and leaned back in her chair, waiting for the blonde to say whatever it was she came here to say. But Alex shook her head just a fraction and tilted it to the side. "I mean, privately. If you're not too busy, that is?"

She watched the blue eyes travel over her desk, scanning the amount of work she had been doing. _Great._ So Olivia stood up and glanced down at her watch, then back at Elliot. "Umm, yeah. I can take my lunch break. You got this covered?"

Alex was already walking towards the elevator, and Olivia could feel his smile before she saw it. She glared at him and wanted to wipe that smug grin off his face. Restraining herself, she turned back towards the elevator and followed the blonde downstairs. Why they were heading downstairs instead of to a perfectly good interview room, she had no idea. But it was probably for the best. Closed spaces tended to do make her do crazy, spontaneous things.

….

The weather was nicer today, the cold spell having finally broken and in fact, it was unusually warm for February. Olivia caught the skeptical look on Alex's face as they stepped up to the short line. It was just a regular hot dog cart, but it was one of the best around and she had several lunches here a week with Elliot. Alex, surely, was used to higher end sit-down restaurants and probably never stooped so low as to eat street food, but Olivia didn't care. Sitting down to eat regularly simply wasn't an option most of the time in her stressed-out life. And besides that, the last thing she wanted at that moment was to sit down face to face with the blonde and talk about what happened. She was too embarrassed for that.

They stood in silence together until it was their turn to order, and Olivia stepped up and smiled at the man. He was always friendly and remembered her order perfectly every time.

"Hello, Detective," he greeted her in his thick accent, his dark eyes welcoming. "The usual?"

Olivia nodded and then turned to Alex, who was still gazing at the selection of condiments on the cart. After a long moment, Olivia nudged her arm to get her attention, immediately wishing she hadn't done so. The contact, even under layers of clothing was too intimate. Alex's head whipped up and she smiled nervously.

"Oh, um." She hesitated in a very un-Alex way and then answered. "I guess I'll have what she's having." She inclined her head towards Olivia and smiled at the vendor. An invisible hand squeezed Olivia's heart and she had to focus far too much of her energy to make the feeling pass.

"Okay," the man said and he turned to the stand, assembling the hot dogs and handing them both bottles of water. He finished with the dogs and Olivia took them both, handing one to Alex and then fishing in her pocket for the money. She gave it to the man before Alex could protest about paying like Olivia knew she would and jerked her head towards the sidewalk.

They walked together, juggling their food and bottled water towards Columbus Park, not far at all, Olivia noted, from Alex's workplace. She grimaced inwardly at the thought of what happened in there and wished at the same time that she was anywhere but here. But it was strange, walking so near Alex felt comfortable and right. She didn't want to be anywhere else.

Finishing up her meal with a final, slightly messy bite, Olivia tossed the thin paper in a nearby trash can and watched Alex do the same. They were at the park, standing on the sidewalk with people rushing by them, going about their busy lives.

"That was good," she said simply as the blonde unscrewed the cap from her bottle and took a sip. She glanced over at Olivia, who was watching her without realizing it. Pointing at Olivia's mouth, her eyes followed her finger.

"You've got a little mustard," she said. "Right there."

Quickly, the brunette reached up and wiped the side of her mouth, embarrassed at once at the flush creeping up her neck. She was thankful for her darker skin tone that hid the coloring for the most part. "Thanks," she said simply, as they turned in the direction of a shaded walking path.

And then the words tumbled from her lips.

"Look, Alex. Let's just get it over with and talk about what happened." She was tired of waiting for the blonde to bring it up, even though they'd only been walking for around ten minutes.

"Okay . . ." Alex said slowly, but Olivia cut her off, diving right in.

"I know I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry. It was a moment of weakness. And. . . it won't happen again." Olivia was staring straight ahead, the words again, falling from her mouth.

"It's okay," she said simply. And Olivia stared at her, their eyes meeting finally, before Alex broke contact and glanced down at her feet. "It's really not a big deal. The moment was intense and we were yelling at each other. Emotions were high. It's understandable."

"It is?" Olivia asked, bewildered that the blonde was handling it this way. It was true, after all, that Alex hadn't pushed her away, that she was as guilty as the detective of crossing the line.

Alex nodded. "Yes, it is. But regardless of that, you're right. It won't happen again. It can't."

Olivia swallowed, knowing this was true, had to be true, but it wasn't easy to hear. It had probably been an incredible kiss, regardless of the guilt she felt afterwards and hearing that it wasn't going to happen again from this woman she still had feelings for after all these years was hard to take.

"I know," Olivia said, realizing how similar this conversation was to hers and Elliot's the day before.

They walked on for a while in silence, and it stretched out between them, a growing gulf of quiet. Alex spoke, breaking the spell, and she turned her head to look at Olivia.

"When I agreed to take this job, I did so with knowledge that you worked for SVU. In fact, I almost turned it down because of that, because I didn't know if we could work together. But then I thought back and remembered the last time we spoke, when you didn't stand up for me or our friendship to Leigh."

Olivia didn't try to hide the cringe that overtook her at Alex's words. But her tone wasn't hurtful or scathing, it was reflective. Perhaps she had gotten over it, perhaps she had even forgiven Olivia for it.

"And then I knew I wouldn't have a problem working with you because we really weren't friends anymore after that." Alex clenched her jaw and the muscle worked on her cheek. She hadn't forgiven Olivia after all.

"Alex, I'm sorry about that. You know I am. I didn't have any other choice."

The blonde looked over and met Olivia eyes briefly before looking away again and shaking her head. "I'm guessing you're not with her anymore?" Alex asked, her tone suggesting that it was more of a rhetorical question than anything.

"What makes you think that?" Olivia asked curiously.

Alex shrugged. "Just a feeling." And then she thought a moment before adding, "I don't think you would have kissed me like that if you were with her still."

"You don't think I would have cheated on her?" Olivia knew she wouldn't have, but sincerely wanted to know what Alex thought, after their experience in college.

"You're not a cheater, Olivia. What happened back then was. . . I don't know what. A dumb mistake. But I know you're a loyal person. You never once tried anything with me when you were with Leigh."

Olivia didn't know what to say. Alex was right, she was unfailingly loyal and was relieved Alex realized it.

"I'm still angry with you though," Alex said with a glare.

Olivia could only raise an eyebrow in question.

"You abandoned me like you did, abandoned our friendship and then you have the nerve to shock me like that yesterday in my office. That came out of nowhere and I'm angry with you for it."

Olivia nodded, accepting that Alex was mad and let her continue to be mad because she had certainly been an idiot, threatening both of their jobs like that. Working together from here on out, she decided, would be the biggest exercise in restraint and self-control she would ever attempt.

"We should probably head back," Alex said, turning around, and Olivia followed.

….

**_A/N - hope you enjoyed, new chapter coming tomorrow. gotta edit. thanks for reading!_**


	31. Chapter 31

_**Alex**_

She smiled at Cragen, overall pleased with the outcome of the day's trial. The investigations were solid, the evidence was conclusive, and her witnesses had pulled through with flying colors. It was a good day for the Special Victims Unit.

"See you Monday, Alex," Cragen said with a rare smile, and she beamed at him, hand gripping the doorknob. It had only taken a year or so for him to break down and consistently call her by her first name instead of the prim and proper sounding 'Ms. Cabot'.

"Have a good night, Captain," she said as she shut the door behind her.

Out in the bullpen, Alex took in the room with a contented smile. It was good to be successful, and they had been ever since the Drellis case almost a year ago. It was as if a fire had been lit beneath them and every case after that they strove for perfection. And it had paid off, the conviction rate for SVU had never been better.

Strangely, that increase in convictions hadn't increased Alex's desire to move ahead politically. If anything, it made her want to stay even more. She didn't know for sure if they felt the same way, but Alex had begun to think of this unit as her family.

The group was laughing and cutting up, all seated or standing around Munch and Fin's desks. They were the lead detectives on the case and had done an excellent job. Alex started to walk past them, heading for the door, thinking ahead about how nice her bubble bath was going to feel, maybe with a nice glass of red wine and a long book to read.

"Hey Cabot," a nasal voice called to her, and she stopped, turning towards the group of detectives.  
>Munch was motioning her over.<p>

"We're going out for drinks. You in?"

She hesitated, her first instinct was to say no thanks, she was tired or she had other plans or anything really to get out of the social gathering. Sure, they felt like family to her, but she was never comfortable enough to accept their invitations after a hard won case.

But tonight was a good win, and she didn't really feel like drinking alone at home after all. So why the hell not?

"Sure," she said with a rare smile. "I'd love to."

The expressions on every single detective's face told her that her answer was unexpected. Wide eyes met her own and she didn't quite know what to do with herself, standing awkwardly in front of them. Elliot recovered first.

"Great," he said, standing up and grabbing his coat. "Let's go then. The Captain'll hold down the fort."

The rest of them followed suit, standing up and making themselves busy. Alex stepped back and watched them pull on their coats, switch off their computers and turn off their desk lamps.

The bar was down the street, a typical cop dive, and before long they were inside, sheltered from the December cold in the warm, homey atmosphere.

Alex figured they came here often to drink together, wasn't sure of course because she had always turned down their offers. They put together two tables and Elliot wandered off to order pitchers of beer. She preferred a whiskey on the rocks usually but beer sounded just fine for tonight's celebration.

Chairs scraped across the wooden floor as the detectives found what looked like their regular places and that left a spot open for her in front Olivia. Naturally. So Alex sat down. Minutes passed and beers were consumed and Alex couldn't help but notice the number of times she accidentally glanced up and met Olivia's eyes. Both of them immediately looked elsewhere each time it happened, but it happened too many times for it to be just a coincidence. The previous year had been filled with avoidance. It hadn't been easy, keeping her eyes from the detective, restraining herself from even speaking to Olivia if she could help it. It was really the only way to suppress her feelings.

So what if unbidden memories of that stolen kiss in her office that day floated into her mind at random times, almost taking her breath away with the intensity? That didn't mean anything.

* * *

><p>Neither of them were aware of a sulking figure at the bar, drinking with a small group. They were all lawyers, still dressed in their suits with ties loosened and jackets strewn across their chairs. The figure kept glancing back at their table, watching one of them intently. He watched as the group laughed and clinked glasses with each other, toasting to who knows what.<p>

* * *

><p>Everyone had bought a round of drinks, it seemed, except Alex, so she stood up and headed towards the bar. Around four beers in, she was a little tipsy, but she hid it well, staggering only a little as she sidled up to the bar. She made eye contact with the bartender and simultaneously felt a presence at her elbow, a gentle hand on her back and a familiar smell hit her nostrils.<p>

She turned to the brunette standing next to her and smiled.

"Hey," she said simply, and the hand on her back retreated and found a place to rest on the bar.

"We probably don't need another round," Olivia said quietly, glancing back at the group of detectives.

"One more won't hurt," Alex said, staring ahead and holding up her finger to let the bartender know they needed another one.

"Just didn't want you to feel obligated to buy them another round."

Alex turned slightly and met Olivia's gaze. The brunette had stopped drinking one beer ago and Alex's mind flashed back to their college days when Olivia was always careful not to go overboard with the amount she consumed. She looked sharp, dashing as always. That typical leather jacket and this time a fitted white t-shirt beneath it with black slacks.

And now they were standing too close together, but there was nowhere else to go. The bar was crowded as it was late on a Friday night and people were out trying to liven up the end of their week.

"I don't feel obligated. I want to." And Olivia nodded, accepting Alex's answer. She could feel the brown eyes on her, watching her intently.

"We were all a little surprised you agreed to come out with us."

"I could see that," Alex said, her tone a little icy, her gaze focused on the liquor bottles behind the bar.

Olivia smiled and gave a quiet laugh, and Alex looked over at her, finding herself with the strange urge to push the detective's now slightly longer hair out of her eyes.

"Well, you can't blame us really. You've always turned down the offers."

Alex rolled her eyes, smirking. She gave the brunette a pointed stare. "_You've_ never asked me."

Olivia's eyes widened as if she wasn't expecting Alex to call her out. She cleared her throat nervously.

"I . . . um, I know. I didn't know how else to keep my distance from you."

A perfectly sculpted eyebrow rose in question, and her smile was probably more teasing that it should have been. "Who asked you to keep your distance?" As soon as she said it, she knew that she shouldn't have. That this teasing was not welcome and was certainly not fair. She knew damn well who had asked Olivia to keep her distance.

Olivia frowned and looked up quickly as the bartender set down the overflowing pitcher in front of them. Alex laid down a ten dollar bill but didn't move to return to the table. She waited for Olivia's response.

"You did."

Tilting her head, Alex shook it once, still trying in vain to play coy. She should have shut her mouth a while back. Alcohol does strange thing to a person. "I never said that."

Olivia glanced away, back at their table, where Elliot and Fin were laughing about something that must have been wildly hilarious, and Munch had his arms crossed, shaking his head with a smile. Her eyes returned to Alex and she smiled cynically.

"You _meant_ it. You said that what happened in your office that day couldn't happen again. And not asking you to go out and drink with us was my way of keeping distance between us."

Alex didn't say anything.

"I figured that's what you wanted, considering the way you acted towards me. Are you saying that's not what you wanted?"

Again, she didn't quite know what to say. Too many beers had loosened her tongue and now she was eschewing information best kept a secret. It seemed that her big mouth was great for being a lawyer, and not so great for keeping her need and want for the detective a secret.

She shook her head and picked up the pitcher. "I don't know what I'm saying. Let's go sit back down."

Olivia looked as if she wanted to say more, to let Alex know that indeed she was giving off mixed signals and needed to keep her mouth shut. At least that was the way Alex read her expression and body language. The brunette shrugged her shoulders in a defeated way and followed Alex back to the table.

The guys cheered as they approached, giddy for another round. Elliot heartily slapped the blonde on the back as she approached with the fresh pitcher, effectively spilling some down her front. She hissed as the cold liquid soaked through the bottom of her shirt.

"Oh shit, Cabot. Sorry about that," Elliot said quickly as he stood up and grabbed some paper towels from the table, dabbing nervously at the wet portion of her shirt. She took the paper towels from his hands, shooing him away.

"That's okay. It's just a little beer," she said, setting it down and punching him lightly on the arm. "I'll get you back for that later."

He smiled, relieved that he wasn't going to be force fed his own balls for spilling beer on the Ice Princess. Alex looked down at her shirt.

"I'm going to see if I can clean this up. Be right back," she said as she turned towards the back corner where the neon 'restroom' sign buzzed brightly.

She pushed through the door into the women's restroom and looked at herself in the mirror. Her appearance was a bit frazzled, as she expected it would be from her too intimate conversation with the brooding detective. And her eyes told her that she was indeed a little intoxicated. She mopped at the wet spot, trying in vain to coax the liquid from her blouse, and finally she wet another paper towel to scrub at it, wondering passively if beer left a stain.

It was as good as it was going to get, and she stood close to the hand dryer, realizing how bizarre she looked, holding her shirt out and arching her back to fit it beneath the air flow. Fortunately no one walked in, and the wet spot dried up to just a damp, wrinkled smudge.

She walked out of the bathroom and into the dark hallway leading out to the bar, ready to sit back down with the detectives and enjoy their company for a few more minutes, awkward or not. It was getting late and she was feeling sleepy, the effects of the alcohol were kicking in. She decided she'd head home in about ten minutes.

Suddenly, a hand that gruffly wrapped around her wrist and pulled her farther into the shadows caught her completely by surprise. A cry escaped her lips as she felt herself being pushed against the wall, two long arms trapping her on either side of her head.

As her eyes adjusted to the light, she could make out the sharp angles of his face, the white, gleaming perfection of his teeth.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked fiercely, pushing against his chest with both hands. But he braced himself and didn't budge. Her heart hammered in her chest, realizing that he probably meant to hurt her.

"I just want you to know," Trevor Langan growled close to her ear. She shivered against the wall, trying to make herself dissolve into it, away from him, and her stomach roiled and squirmed. "I saw how cozy you and Detective Benson were getting. And remembered what you told me at the conference. The reason you said you wouldn't like to date me."

Alex closed her eyes, knowing full well where he was going with this, but she was terrified to actually hear his words.

"Let me go," she said, wanting her voice to come out powerful and commanding when it fell flat and sounded very small, like a child's.

"Oh no. Not until you hear what I have to say." Leaning close again, she could smell him. He smelled strongly of alcohol, and her stomach again threatened to release its contents.

"I saw you two together at the bar. How _familiar_ you are with each other," he practically spat the word, his voice dripping with venom. "And I realized what was going on. I've heard the rumors. Everyone has."

She frowned, wanting to get away as quickly as possible and yet she wanted to hear what he had to say. What exactly he was threatening her with. What his proof was.

"What rumors?" She asked.

"Surely you've heard them?" He asked sarcastically, smiling too close to her face. "How the female detective for SVU and their gorgeous ADA have an ongoing in-office affair. People talk about how you two fight like a married couple, how it looks like you're going to tear each other apart."

Alex felt the blood draining from her face and rush to her feet at this accusation. This was bad. It wasn't true of course, they weren't dating. But even an accusation by another attorney would cause uproar and an investigation into their personal lives. This was very bad.

"That's bullshit." She said as menacingly as she could.

But he only laughed.

"We'll see about that."

Alex looked up at him, meeting his eyes. They were clear and blue, almost grey. But they were cold.

"What do you want? Why are you doing this?"

His laugh fell away into a dark chuckle and he bent down, closer. "You know exactly what I want, Alex."

And with that, he leaned down quickly and forced his lips to hers. She squirmed against him, trying to free herself. But he broke away suddenly and flew backwards. Someone had grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him against the opposite wall.

Alex leaned back, gasping for breath and wiping at her mouth as she took in the sight before her.

It was Olivia, of course, and she held Trevor by the front of his shirt up against the wall and was up close to his face.

"You son of a bitch!" She said loudly. "You keep your slimy hands off of her."

But he smiled, and his eyes held no fear as he glanced over Olivia's shoulder at Alex.

"See what I mean, Alex?" He said, his voice low and conspiratorial.  
>"Look how worked up she's getting."<p>

Alex's mouth gaped open, fish-like. She simultaneously wanted to do several things: tell Olivia to get the hell away from him to keep him from spreading his lies, throw Olivia out of the way and punch him in his smirking, asshole face, and she also wanted to watch Olivia kick his ass.

She must have taken too long to decide on a course of action, however because Olivia had already given him a resounding right hook. Her fist contacted his nose and blood gushed from it immediately, his hands flying up to protect himself from further attack. The furious brunette had drawn her fist back for another punch when the rest of the detectives showed up and pulled her back.

"What the hell, Liv?" Elliot asked, positioning himself between the two.

"He was . . . assaulting Alex," she said breathlessly, pointing at him, her eyes blazing.

Elliot looked back at Alex, his eyes worried and questioning. "That true?"

She shook her head. This would all be best swept under the rug. Maybe if she left Trevor alone, he wouldn't go through with what he had threatened.

"It was a misunderstanding. Let him go, please."

Elliot took a moment, looking back and forth between Olivia, Alex, and Trevor. His first instinct, Alex knew, was to trust his partner, but he knew there were extenuating circumstances here and maybe it was indeed some sort of mix up. He glanced at Alex one more time and she nodded, telling him silently that it was okay, and he stepped aside to let Trevor walk past.

The tall man held his still bleeding nose and turned to leave. But he couldn't help getting in one last dig.

"You're lucky I'm not going to press charges. Talk about assault." He muttered under his breath. Elliot's eyes burned and he moved quickly, grabbing Langan by the collar, which was already stretched and wrinkled from Olivia's rough treatment.

He shoved the taller man against the wall and pointed a finger in his face.

"Listen here you fucker," Elliot said quietly, but firmly. "You're the lucky one. We've got a decorated detective who will say you _were_ in fact sexually assaulting our ADA and yet, in this bar entirely filled with cops, I'd bet my pension that not a single one of them saw what happened to your unfortunate-looking nose."

Trevor's eyes were wide. "Now get the hell out of here before we decide to really give you something to report."

Elliot released him and this time he left without another word.

Fin and Munch were already standing next to Alex.  
>"You okay?" Fin asked. She nodded, obviously shaken up but another feeling had overtaken her. <em>Belonging<em>. Finally, she really felt like part of the group. These guys were looking out for her. The feeling squeezed her heart and she momentarily forgot about Trevor's threat. But only momentarily.

"Nice one, Liv." Munch commented casually. "I've always wanted to put the hurt on that guy."

Olivia could only nod dully as she watched Alex. The blonde could feel her eyes and didn't want to make contact. They made their way out of the bar, coats on against the cold and Munch had sobered up within the last hour, replacing his beer with water and offered to drive the guys home.

Alex wondered why the invitation wasn't extended to her and then she found herself saying goodbye to the guys and standing alone with Olivia.

"Did you plan that?" Alex asked with a raised eyebrow.

Olivia shook her head innocently. "It just sort of happened. Weird, isn't it?"

"It is," Alex agreed. Olivia stepped out into the street and held her arm out. A cab came by after a while and screeched to a halt next to them.

Alex slid in first and Olivia followed. "Where are we going?" Alex asked quietly, rubbing her freezing hands together.

Olivia shut the door and looked over at her. "_We_ aren't going anywhere. I'm just making sure you get home safely."

"That's very chivalrous of you," Alex commented, staring straight ahead.

The cab driver cleared his throat and tapped the meter. It was already happily ticking away the minutes.

"Tell him your address," Olivia said. "I don't know where you live."

Alex complied with a brief sideways glance at the detective and then sat back against the seat as the cab accelerated uptown towards Central Park.

"That's a nice neighborhood," Olivia said conversationally, looking as if she wanted to say more.

Alex nodded, staring out the window absently, her mind in a thousand different places.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Olivia<strong>_

The cab's brakes squealed as they pulled up to the correct building and the cabbie turned around in his seat, waiting impatiently for his payment. Olivia took a brief moment to watch Alex as she reached in her purse for the fare. This woman was complicated, and Olivia was at a breaking point. Why the blonde would be pushing away a kiss-hungry Trevor Langan and then defend him, allow him to walk free after he was clearly assailing her, she had no idea.

"Why didn't you let Elliot take him in for assault?" Olivia asked suddenly, unable to keep it in any longer as they pulled up to the correct building.

Alex was silent, she shook her head. Frustrated sizzled beneath the surface of her skin, she wanted to explode with it, but she held back and didn't push any further.

Alex reached in her purse for cash and paid the man for her part of the fare. The blonde turned to Olivia and smiled. _She's beautiful_, Olivia thought, regardless of how she made Olivia want to pull her hair out, as she returned the smile. But Alex was speaking now and Olivia had missed whatever it was she said.

"What was that?" She asked, and Alex patiently repeated herself.

"I said thank you for accompanying me home. Have a good night."

Olivia shook her head. "No, you're not going up alone. I'll walk you to your door."

"You don't have to do that." Alex said, pulling on the door handle and stepping out onto the sidewalk. Olivia slid quickly out behind her and stood up, waving the driver away, confident that she'd catch another cab later. It was almost two in the morning but there were always taxis around in New York City.

"Yes I do. I should have gone with you to the bathroom earlier but instead I let you go alone and look at what happened."

Alex rolled her eyes but allowed the detective to walk with her to the door of her building. "I am an adult, you know. I can handle myself."

"Maybe so. But I'd rather be safe than sorry tonight."

Alex glanced at her and Olivia felt her skin flush, unused to the blue eyes reading her expressions so closely. "Okay then. Come on."

Olivia followed her up, past the kind-looking doorman and into the elevator. The building was nice, modern and well-maintained. On the tenth floor, not quite all the way up to the top, the elevator dinged and they exited, taking a right down the hall. There were only a few doors in the entire hall and Olivia was already amazed at how nice the place was. She couldn't help but wonder what the inside of Alex's apartment looked like. The view of the park was probably incredible.

She scratched her forehead thoughtfully, surprisingly unaware that they hadn't spoken since they were downstairs and now Alex had stopped and was standing outside her door, fumbling for her keys in her jacket pocket. She felt Alex's eyes on her and then saw them land on her hand. The blonde abandoned the search for her keys and her eyes grew wide.

"God, Liv. Your hand!" Alex reached over and grabbed hold of it. Olivia hissed at the sudden movement from her injured hand, but the blonde didn't let go. She pulled it closer, holding it more gently as she tried to get a good look at it. Olivia's skin hummed at the contact. _Why do I have to feel this way when I'm close to her? _she wondered helplessly.

Her hand was bruising and the knuckle had busted from the punch to Trevor's nose earlier. There was dried blood caked around her middle knuckle. It wasn't a pretty sight.

"It's not so bad," Olivia said, and Alex scoffed.

"It's pretty bad. You're bleeding."

Shrugging, Olivia tried to pull her hand away. The blonde let go at last but the concern hadn't left her eyes. Touching Alex was not a good thing at the moment, Olivia decided.

"Come on," Alex said, locating her keys and quickly unlocking the door. "I'll give you a band aid."

Olivia hesitated at the door. She hadn't planned to go inside, only to walk Alex to the door, make sure she was okay and then leave.

Alex reached out and grabbed the detective by her unharmed left hand. "Come on. It's okay."

Olivia complied, allowing herself to be pulled into the spacious entryway. The apartment was beautiful, and it was immaculate, of course. Alex had always been tidy. Olivia guessed she got that from her mother, seeing as Virginia's apartment was always spotless.

"This is really nice, Alex." Olivia said.

Alex looked around and shrugged, waved her hand absently as she continued to walk further in and down the hall. She peeled off her coat and tossed it across the back of the couch, making the room feel a bit more normal, with something out of place like that. Olivia guessed Alex didn't spend very much time here. Just as she didn't spend much time at her own apartment, except to sleep.

"It's probably too big for just me, but I do like it. The park is incredible from here in the daytime," Alex commented, opening a door to what turned out to be a bathroom, its white surfaces gleaming.

"In here," Alex said. "I've got a first aid kit here somewhere."

Olivia stood awkwardly next to the sink as the blonde pulled out the kit and opened it up, retrieving a butterfly bandage and an alcohol wipe. It smelled very much like Alex in here, like the lotion she always used, and Olivia was trying hard not to breathe too deeply.

"Okay, this will probably sting a little," she said, as she lightly ran the wipe over the bloody skin. Olivia took in a sharp breath at the sting and clenched her jaw.

"Sorry," Alex said, looking up from the hand and their eyes met, blue and brown. Once again, far too close for what they had agreed upon. Keep your distance, they said. _The best laid plans_, she thought.

"This is how we first got together, do you remember?" Olivia said as Alex worked, unsure about whether she should have brought it up.

Alex paused, looked up into space for a moment to think back. And she smiled. "Yeah, when you had that nasty cut on your arm, and I played doctor."

"Yeah, that was a rough time," she said vaguely, her mind going back to her troubled childhood and teenage years and sometimes abusive, alcoholic mother.

"It sure was," Alex said. "You really should have gotten stitches. Do you still have the scar?"

Olivia nodded, slipping her arm out of her jacket and raising up her shirt sleeve. The scars were long and parallel and jagged, like someone had done a shoddy job of bandaging her skin up.

"Battle scars. This one isn't nearly as bad," Alex said with a grimace.

"This one was worth it," Olivia said. And she felt the need to clarify. "Punching him, I mean."

Alex nodded, glancing back down at her work, throwing the wipe in the trashcan and opening up the bandaid. "I bet it was."

Olivia wanted to explain herself. She knew Alex was capable of taking care of herself, but seeing Trevor Langan kissing her and her trying to push him away just snapped something inside.

"I know you said you didn't want me 'swooping in' to save you, but I thought you needed help. I thought he was hurting you."

"I know. And I haven't thanked you for that yet. I guess I am lucky that you've been around both times he tried to make a move. So thank you."

She looked back up after she situated the bandage, her chilly hands still holding Olivia's injured one and their eyes met and Olivia felt all over again what skydiving must feel like. It was no wonder adrenaline junkies kept going back for more. She must have been some sort of junkie, torturing herself like this with this woman who gave off mixed signals and didn't seem to know what she wanted and then all of her thoughts stopped.

Alex had lunged forward and kissed her. The moment had been ripe for it, but Olivia hadn't actually expected it. Not from her, not after what Alex said almost year before, about not letting this happen again.

There was a reason junkies had to go to rehab. This thought drifted through her mind vaguely as she turned and pushed Alex up against the bathroom counter, her eyes closed, focused on the sensations. And relapses. There was a reason junkies had relapses. Alex's mouth was like a drug, like a highly addictive morphine that she needed just a little bit more of to keep functioning. It was soft and it did incredible things and her body was long and firm and it also did incredible things, if Olivia remembered correctly.

Arousal flushed hot and fast through her body at those memories. Her hands found their way up Alex's shirt and onto her trembling skin. They moved around to her back, the muscles taut and firm. Chill bumps followed every touch and Olivia moved down to her throat, kissing the incredibly long column of skin. At the bottom, Olivia found that it was like riding a bike, this drug thing. One never forgets something like that. It's muscle memory. She bit down gently at the muscle between throat and shoulder.

Normally, Alex would melt into a puddle at this point, that and any other part of her neck were hot spots. Or used to be. Instead, she stiffened, her hands slowly retracted from Olivia's hair and she pushed gently on her shoulders.

"Liv," she said, her voice throaty and hoarse.

Olivia didn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out what was happening. She pulled away, standing up straighter to look into blue eyes. _You've got to be kidding._

"Liv, we can't do this."

Olivia sighed, looked away, backed up a step.

"I'm sorry. But this isn't right." Her eyes were downcast, she was shaking her head, running a hand through her long hair.

Olivia's head whipped back towards Alex and her eyes were hard. "It _is_ right, Alex. You know it is," she said fiercely.

She could see the agreement, the surrender in Alex's eyes. The woman was as lost and hopeless as she was. Olivia stepped forward again and raised both her hands to cup Alex's face.

"You can't tell me this doesn't feel right."

Alex softened, and for a moment it looked like she might give in and completely agree, and Olivia leaned in, pressed their lips together again but Alex didn't respond. And then Alex pulled away.

"Liv, stop."

One word.

That was all it took to bring it all down on her ears. _Stop_. Consent. Those words were the very essence of her job. Helping victims who hadn't given their consent, who said stop and no one had listened. Who didn't have the courage to say stop but still didn't want it.

She took a step back. She didn't have consent. But that didn't stop her from wondering aloud.

"Why did you kiss me then? Why have you been stringing me along like this?"

Alex was silent, looking down and to the side, anywhere but at Olivia.

"He threatened our jobs, Liv."

Her voice was small, quiet even in the echoing bathroom.

"What? Who did?" She said, bewildered at this abrupt change of subject.

"Trevor fucking Langdon!" Alex cried, tears piling up in her eyes.

"He . . . What? What do you mean?"

Alex took a breath, steadied herself. Her voice still shook as she spoke. "I told him I was gay at the conference where I met him and that I wasn't interested. And apparently now he's heard rumors flying around that you and I are having an 'affair'."

"An 'affair'?" Olivia said, eyebrows furrowed. "That's ridiculous. No one has any reason to think that."

Alex shook her head. "It looks like they do. We 'fight like a married couple' he said. I don't know if he's telling the truth or not but he did see us together at the bar earlier."

"So what? Nothing happened." Olivia was defensive, sure that nothing she had done was intentional.

"He saw something more, I guess. And he made it sound like I'd better go out with him or whatever it is he wants or else he'll have both of our jobs on the chopping block."

"He can't blackmail you for a date . . .or for sex!" Olivia cried, stepping back farther and raising her hands for emphasis.

"I don't want you to lose your job, Liv. You love your job. I don't want to lose mine either."

Olivia rolled her eyes, grabbed hold of Alex's shoulders and looked her square in the face.

"I think you might be an emotional drunk right now because the Alex I know, the _lawyer_ that I know, would never let something like this slow her down or give her pause."

Alex sniffed, looking defeated.

"Alex! You and I are innocent. We are not dating and we will prove it however we need to to whoever asks. And you . . .we . . . are not gonna let Trevor Asshole Langan take our jobs away. Got it?"

Alex nodded meekly, feeling exhausted and stressed out. She buried her head in her hands. Olivia watched her and stepped back, running fingers through her hair.

"Damn it Alex, why did you have to kiss me again? Better question. Why did you have to come work here?" Olivia cried. She was crumbling. It was too much. "Everything was fine before. I was happy."

Alex said nothing, shame washed over her face. Olivia knew she had been selfish in her decision, politically motivated. And now she had brought them both misery. Being so close to each other when anything more than an acquaintance or innocent friendship was forbidden was absolutely miserable.

Olivia took a breath. It simply wasn't true, what she had just said. All of this wasn't Alex's fault. It was hers too. What a fucked up situation they had landed themselves in. They were stuck. She let the breath out.

"That's a lie. I wasn't happy. I haven't been happy at all without you, Alex."

After a moment, Alex looked up at her.

"Me neither," Alex said quietly. The look of anguish and longing on Olivia's face was heartbreaking. But they simply couldn't.

Olivia shook her head and walked away, out the hall and towards the door. She opened it and shut it behind her, waiting outside for a moment, to see if Alex would come and lock the door.

Finally she heard the lock turn behind her and she walked down the hall to the elevator.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN – okay okay. I know you're unhappy. I know the last two chapters have been disappointing. Hell, this entire story has been disappointing ever since they broke up. But we're on the home stretch now and shit's about to hit the fan, so to speak. I know you. You're reading this thinking, why am I putting myself through this torture? Why should I keep reading? This is too sad.**_

_**I'm a glutton for punishment too. You're not alone. And besides, you've stuck with me this far right? Am I evil? Oops. Sorry.**_


	32. Chapter 32

_A/N - Here's a fun twist to one of your __**favorite**__ episodes of Law and Order SVU, I'm willing to bet. (runs and hides behind couch as I wait for you to finish reading, hoping you don't throw your computer or phone at me.)_

_P.S. hope the flashbacks don't confuse you. Present is in regular font, flashback in italics._

_Of course, I don't own Season 5, Episode 4. (I did use some of its quotes though.) If I did own this show and its characters, it would have turned out something like this:_

* * *

><p><strong>Monday, September 29, 9:45 pm<strong>

The blood was rushing through her hands. It was warm. And sticky.

"Alex, no. Please."

Tears were mingling with the blood seeping through her fingers. There was too much of it. This was the type of injury people died from.

Her head shook back and forth, refusing to believe this was happening. It had to be a dream. A nightmare. She would surely wake up soon.

But it became more real. An ambulance showed up. She was unceremoniously shoved out of the way. Standing on the sidewalk, shivering, with Alex's drying blood on her hands and wrists, in a daze, she watched the EMTs worked for a moment. They were applying thick bandages, trying to stop the bleeding, administering CPR because the blonde's eyes had fluttered closed a few seconds before.

A strong arm wrapped around her shoulder and pulled her away. She moved, unwillingly, but moved nonetheless out of the way, standing still and leaning against Elliot. Her eyes followed the gurney, surrounded by hovering EMTs as it slid into the ambulance and disappeared from her sight.

"Elliot," she whispered, as she turned in to his shoulder, tears falling freely from her eyes now. These feelings were far too painful and real for a simple dream.

"I know," he said, and even his usually unfaltering voice trembled with emotion.

"This can't be real," she said.

He stepped towards the sedan. "Let's get to the hospital."

"Elliot. She can't die."  
>She looked up at him and tears were falling freely, there was no stopping them.<p>

"I know Liv, let's go. "

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday, September 22 (the week before)<strong>_

_At the beginning of the case, the series of events leading up to the shooting were seemingly normal enough. It was a rape/homicide, and it became somewhat of an oddity when they found the woman's tongue nearby. Someone had wanted to shut the woman up, even in death, and the detectives set to work right away to discover who might have wanted her dead and quiet so badly._

_It turned personal when they found her storage building filled with relics and belongings of a past life. Furniture and photo albums and an entirety of a woman's belongings all crammed away. Her badge sat on top of a box, still in its display case the academy presented all graduates for the NYPD._

_Her **former** name turned out to be Livia Sandoval and the arrival of two stern-looking men in suits with federal government badges told them all they needed to know. Agents Tim Donovan and Jack Hammond from the Drug Enforcement Administration escorted them to Cragen's office and let them know that they were seriously overstepping their bounds. Livia Sandoval's past had been erased and she was known now as Livia Tellez, necessary precautions for an undercover agent working for the DEA._

_The usual bickering took place, where the local authorities refused to give up the investigations to the Feds. But that was the thing about the federal government. If they wanted to take charge and not involve the local sex crimes unit, they certainly could._

_But it turned out the DEA could use their help and resources, however reluctant they were to allow the detectives to work with them. The agents handed over the case of Livia's rape and murder, albeit with as little information as possible. Before they left, Agent Hammond expressed his adamant concerns that neither Agent Donovan, who happened to be Livia's handler and the confidential informant for the case, or Livia Sandoval's true identity could be revealed. She would be referred to as Livia Tellez from then on. Otherwise ongoing cases would be jeopardized and every federal handler involved would be in mortal danger._

_They got started on finding as much information as they could. Fin had connections with his former colleagues in Narcotics and that colleague hinted that the woman was probably involved with Rafael Zapata and his gang, who ultimately answered to Cesar Velez, a criminal with ties to several well-known murders. Fin brought in one of the lowly members of Zapata's crew, a guy named Felix. He happened to be an informant for the NYPD and the detectives interviewed him about Livia. _

_After they found out he knew Livia well, and that she had been sleeping with Rafael Zapata, he told them that the woman had a big mouth on her, didn't know when to shut up about Rafael. Felix apparently had no idea that Livia was undercover and said that Zapata had more than once gotten physical with the woman._

_The medical examiner found traces of a particular kind of fiberglass on the body, suggesting Livia was killed on a boat of some sort. Donovan helped them confirm this information even though he was sticking his neck out and risking his own confidentiality by revealing some of what he knew._

_And when they discovered Zapata had the same type of boat, a yacht in fact as the sample, the detectives went to Cabot to ask for a warrant to search it. She told them she needed more than what they had and that a confidential informant who could only give them information about the existence of Zapata's boat without having given the police prior helpful information might not be enough. But the warrant came through and upon boarding Zapata's yacht, they found a bloody mattress on Zapata's boat, as innocent as he tried to act. Zapata was arrested and charged with the rape and murder of Livia Tellez. His quiet muttering, something about them making a huge mistake were ignored. _

_At arraignment the next morning, Zapata was still in his suit from the previous day, and he looked angry. The defense attorney representing him claimed that the DA's allegations were false and baseless. But Alex was quick to point out that the man had known ties to drug cartels, as well as private airstrips in the Caribbean and South America. At that, he not only had to surrender his passport but also pay five million dollars in bail. _

_Alex was pleased with that, until the defense attorney slapped a sheaf of papers into her hand. It was a motion to suppress evidence from Zapata's boat because the detective's chain of information was incomplete. There was no way, except to produce the confidential informant in Judge Petrovsky's chambers, or to have the person testify in open court, to prove that the informant was actually trustworthy._

_Petrovsky let Alex know that she would be subpoenaing the witness and would be held in contempt if the person did not show. And when Alex met with the DEA agent at his office to convince him of this, Agent Donovan became irate and told her that he absolutely refused to reveal himself in any way, the case and its outcome be damned. He tried to stress the importance of his continued anonymity to Alex but she continued to push, sure that there was a way to get around all the secrecy while keeping everyone protected._

* * *

><p><strong>Monday, September 29, 10:57 pm<strong>

The hospital smelled of disinfectants and death, and Olivia tried to ignore the feelings of dread building up in her gut. Too many times she had visited the hospital for a victim beaten badly or traumatized or stabbed and bleeding and it never ended well. There was always something negative to come out of hospitals in her line of work and the feeling was difficult to shake as she and Elliot rushed into the Emergency Room and up to the desk.

"They just brought a woman in, Alex Cabot. Where is she?" Elliot was breathless, and Olivia was thankful that she didn't have to speak.

The nurse glared at them and their demanding tones, but she glanced down at her papers and then looked back up at them.

"Are you two family?"

Olivia shook her head. Might as well be, though. "We're detectives. She's our ADA."

The work-worn woman nodded, looking them over as they pulled their badges out for confirmation. She gestured to the waiting room. "They took her to surgery. If you'll wait over there, one of the doctors will be out with an update."

"Do you think she'll be okay?" Olivia couldn't help but ask.

The nurse shrugged. "I'm sorry, Detective. I really don't know."

A door slammed open, allowing an empty gurney to come through and be returned, empty and clean, to its ambulance. For all she knew it could have been Alex's gurney.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday, September 24 <strong>

_The door slammed behind them as they stepped in Donovan's office at the DEA._

_Alex was being so stubborn. Well, that was an understatement. She spoke up every chance she got, adamant that she would be prosecuting Zapata. So used to being the top dog, so sure of herself, so confident and independent a woman, she didn't realize until too late that drug lords don't operate with the same rules and modern standards as a first world society._

_They were still stuck in the early to mid-1900s, where women kept their mouths shut and had only a few purposes, all for the pleasure and service of men._

_Alex had grown up with a different mindset, one even foreign to many young women her age. She had no limitations because of her sex, in fact she was free from it, told by her father from an early age that she could do or be anyone she wanted, if only she worked hard enough for it. Just because a field happened to be dominated by men meant nothing to her, she knew she was as good as, if not better than her male counterparts._

_Olivia had always shared this mindset, only without the parental support and encouragement from her childhood. But one thing that set them apart was that Olivia's stubborn streak had a certain limit. She knew when to stop, when it was too much, when pushing farther would not be in her best interest. Alex, apparently, had no such limit._

_She had wanted desperately to bring these drug lords to justice. No one raped, murdered, and mutilated a young woman who worked for the NYPD and got away with it on her watch. Damn the consequences and people's lives she would put in danger. Apparently, the force of an entire Colombian drug cartel would not deter Alex Cabot._

_They should have known better, both Olivia and Elliot, that she wouldn't back down. Not even when Zapata stood up and came within inches of attacking Alex in an interview room for simply speaking her mind. Granted, she insulted him and his chauvinist, misogynist ways, but that still didn't stop her. Alex had set the ball rolling by trying to cut a deal with Zapata, having received orders from Arthur Branch to do so. It was their only option after Petrovsky had been ordered not to summon a federal agent to her office because of the sensitivity of the case. And now she had thoroughly pissed off a Colombian drug lord with vast connections and resources._

_So now, even when she received news from Donovan that there was a threat on her life, and when she heard the phone recording describing her address and her jogging route in Central Park and the exact address her mother had relocated to in upstate New York, she was frightened, yes of course, and she wanted to be in the safety of her own home as soon as possible. But Olivia could see in her eyes that she was angry more than anything. Upset that she had been singled out, targeted by the drug cartel, Alex wanted to go home, wait it out and get back at it when the coast was clear._

_Olivia and Elliot offered to drive her home, unwilling to turn her over yet to the federal protective detail. Outside the DEA building, Elliot led them to the car and suddenly the door behind them swung open. Olivia pushed Alex behind her, holding onto the slim waist with one arm as Elliot drew his gun on the sudden intruder._

_But it was only Donovan. He wanted to reassure Alex, let her know that everything would be okay, that he would testify if he needed to, now that her life had been threatened. It was a serious situation, and Olivia hoped as they spoke that Alex truly understood exactly how serious it was. Donovan said goodnight and walked over to his car._

_The explosion was amidst a moment of mass confusion. Both Alex and Olivia were turned, facing the opposite direction, Olivia trying her damndest to reassure the shaken up and angry woman. And just as Olivia turned away, she saw Elliot opening his car door. Donovan was across the parking lot, getting in his car at the same time._

_The world seemed to turn sideways at the moment of the blast, knocking them both off their feet and sending them sprawling a few yards back. She landed almost on top of Alex, trying to shield her from the glass shards and bits of hot metal flying at them._

_Her first thought, besides protecting the woman lying on the unyielding concrete next to her, was that Elliot had just been blown up. She panicked inwardly and jerked her head up, even as heat continued to radiate out on her face from across the lot. Eyes landing on Elliot, she let herself breathe a sigh of relief. He was getting out of his car, shielding his face as he glanced first at them to make sure they were okay and then over to Donovan's car. It was in flames, only the metal frame, glowing red, remained._

_He hurried over to them, squatting down to one knee, and his mouth moved but Olivia couldn't hear his voice. The explosion seemed to have temporarily made her deaf. She sat up, pulling Alex with her and stared, open mouthed at Elliot._

_"Donovan?" Alex asked, too loudly because her hearing must have also been compromised._

_Elliot shook his head, the shock still evident in his eyes._

_They didn't have anything else to say. Nothing more could be said. Supposedly, Donovan had gone to extreme measures to keep his identity a secret. It was a necessary evil as a DEA agent, to stay beneath the radar. And somehow, despite the precautions, the cartel had found him. And the car bomb was an obvious and blatant threat to the District Attorney's office and the DEA._

_Would it take an explosion and the murder of a man she had just recently met but quickly grown to respect for Alex to realize how grave the situation had become? The sound of sirens approached and startled Olivia from staring at the still burning car._

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday, September 30, 12:24 am<strong>

Sirens swooped by, becoming louder and louder outside the emergency room. She was ripped back to the present as a door swung open down the hall, slamming again against the back wall. Her head was in her hands, thoughts all over the place as Elliot paced up and down the hall, over to the nurse's station and back. Normally, his walking and nervous movements would grate on her nerves but today she didn't care. She couldn't care.

Alex was in surgery. The last they heard was twenty minutes ago, a surgeon came down and gave an update to the waiting detectives. Alex had no other family around, as her mother was still upstate and wouldn't be able to make it until the next morning. So the doctor settled for giving information to the detectives. They had transferred her from the ambulance directly to the OR.

The door slammed open again and this time, she saw Elliot stop in front of her through the gaps in her hands. Whipping her head up, she looked down the hall, following Elliot's line of sight where the surgeon was walking towards them, still in his blue gown, mask pulled down around his neck.

She knew from experience that doctors were taught to wear neutral expressions, taught how to deliver bad news with a distant purpose. Don't get attached. It was the same for detectives. Their line of work was too much, was too painful and full of death and heartache to get attached.

But when it was her turn to be the loved one, the one receiving the news, waiting on the edge of her seat, head full of the worst possible outcomes and a small glimmer of hope. Maybe, maybe, she would pull through. But there had been so much blood. Maybe, she thought. Please God, she thought, although she was unsure if anyone was listening. If there was, it couldn't hurt to ask.

His face was neutral, he had been trained well. She stood up, took a step towards Elliot and wiped her eyes, anxious for some kind of news. Those had been the longest twenty minutes of her life. Next to, of course, the five minutes or so it took the ambulance to reach the bleeding attorney outside the bar. He adjusted his glasses and Olivia's mind went back to Alex, making the same gesture only a week ago.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday, September 26 8:26 pm<strong>

_They were in the squad room, Alex was leaned up against her desk, as familiar as you like. It was a habit the blonde had gotten into over the past two years even as the awkwardness and tension between them had continued. Olivia, in her still rickety chair, was leaning back with a frown on her face. _Damned stubborn woman.

_Donovan was murdered only two days before, the scars and cuts still evident on her hands and on Alex's face from shards of flying glass, and Olivia had been sure Alex was frightened enough to give it up, to lay low for a while. Any normal, sane person would have done that. The immediate threat gone, Alex was back on the warpath, ready to start again trying to find some way to pin down Zapata to the car bomb, maybe to connect Velez to the whole thing. _

"_Alex, this is getting ridiculous," she said, and the blonde craned her head back to glance at Olivia, adjusting her glasses as she did so. Alex ignored her, turned back to the rest of the squad and continued. _

"_All I want to know is, how could Velez possibly know that Donovan was the CI?"_

_Munch shook his head, crossed his arms. "The same way he knew where you and your mom live. He's got all the money he needs and all the power. Information comes easily to people like that."_

"_Olivia's right," Elliot said, frowning, his blue eyes pleading with Alex. "I told you before you need to get off this case and I mean it. They're not gonna stop until you either back off or until they kill you."_

_His words rang true to Olivia. They should have struck a chord with Alex as well, after all, she had witnessed the explosion the same as the detectives. But no, she wouldn't stop. _Damned stubborn, infuriating woman.

"_No," Alex said adamantly. "My mom has a protective detail. I have a protective detail. I'm not giving up."_

"_Damn it, Alex. You don't have to die for this case!" Olivia said loudly, wishing the blonde would understand how important this was. _

_She shook her head again. "It doesn't matter if I try this case or someone else does. The intimidation will always be there. I have to try the case. Or else I concede everything."_

_Her voice trembled slightly with emotion, and Olivia knew she was thinking of Donovan, not wanting him to have died in vain. She wanted justice for him, but at what cost? Cragen stood up, walking towards his office and he asked Alex if he could talk to her. She followed him and they spoke for a while, and Alex emerged from the office looking slightly puzzled and apprehensive. _

"_Where are you going?" Olivia asked, looking her over as she passed by their desks. "Branch wants to see me."_

"_Where are your fed babysitters?" Elliot asked, looking around. Alex shrugged. _

"_They're around somewhere. I'll get them to drive me over there. Goodnight everyone."_

…...

_The next morning, the phone on Olivia's desk rang shrilly. It startled her. It was Saturday morning and still early, they hadn't received any new cases. _

"_Benson," she said automatically. _

"_Hey Liv," a tired voice said from the other end. "Alex?"_

"_Yes," she said, her tone dull and defeated. "Listen, I talked to Branch last night and I've got to drop the case."_

_Olivia was silent for a moment, relieved that it was over and that Alex would finally be out of danger. Alex went on when she didn't respond._

"_He said the feds have a better case and that too many people have died. Court is on Wednesday."_

"_Okay," Olivia said, hesitating again. "You okay?"_

"_I'm fine," Alex said. She sounded anything but fine._

_..._

**Wednesday, September 29 7:58 pm**

_The night of the trial, the squad went out to their local bar, their usual hangout. It was a bittersweet celebration. The U.S. marshals had stepped in immediately when Petrovsky banged the gavel and announced that Zapata was free to go. _

_At their table they had pitchers of beer again and Alex sat at her usual place next to Olivia. They'd been here several times over the months since their encounter in Alex's apartment. That seemed like a very long time ago, and both of them made efforts to keep their distance and yet remain friends, professional colleagues. Alex wasn't her usual present self. She kept gazing off at the far wall, lost in thought._

_Cragen received news halfway through the evening that the Feds would be cutting Zapata a deal if he gave up information about his boss, Cesar Velez. The group argued back and forth about this vague notion of justice, about sacrificing one small player for the main character in the story, the man behind the drug cartel and all its evils. Deciding finally that Zapata would probably receive a new identity somewhere out west in a remote place, the tone of the conversation turned bleak. Alex still showed no emotion through this, she stared at her hands even though she should have been throwing her mug against the wall in anger. How unfair that he would get to start over and not receive his due punishment. _

_After a while, Cragen, Munch and Fin stood up, making declarations of how early they needed to get up the next morning. Olivia took a final swallow of her beer and set the glass back down on the table. She had only had one, but had wanted about eight. Alex sighed, took her glasses off, wiped the lenses on her shirt and put them back on._

"_I'm just so tired of it all," she said, leaning back in her chair. Elliot nodded, understanding and Olivia watched her face closely._

"_It's just, Cesar Velez. Maybe he'll get extradited. And there's some justice in that, but what about Livia Sandoval? Where's her justice?"_

"_You can't win them all, Alex." Elliot said, and Olivia still said nothing. She was just thankful that the threat to Alex's life had passed. If she couldn't love Alex the way she wanted, the way they both wanted, at the very least Olivia wanted her to continue living, continue trying to be happy one way or the other. Even if they had both admitted to being unhappy. That didn't matter. _

"_That's the thing, though. Even when we win . . . we don't." _

_Frowning, Olivia understood what she meant, and knew that Elliot did too. This line of work was too much sometimes. Especially after what the week they had just been through. _

"_Let's get out of here," Alex said and they stood up together, putting on their jackets. It was a fairly warm night for late September, so Alex kept hers slung over her shoulder as she pushed open the door to the bar. _

_They were talking about something mundane, something as simple as how Alex would get home. Now that she didn't need a protective detail anymore, she could walk home by herself, no problem. And she was ready to do that, fearless stubborn woman that she was. They turned towards the street and all hell broke loose. _

_A single gunshot rang out as a car peeled around the corner. Both the detectives hit the ground instinctively, and Elliot yelled at Alex to get down. Two more shots were fired and the car took off. Elliot, realizing the immediate threat was over, stood up and ran after the car with his gun drawn, hoping maybe to get a license plate number._

_Olivia turned from her prone position on the ground and looked for Alex. She was on the ground about five feet away, unmoving. _Shit. Shit. Shit.

_She scrambled towards the blonde, saw the blood on her shirt, spreading quickly over the blue fabric that went so well with her eyes. Her hands pressed down on the wound and she tried to speak but nothing came out. She cleared her throat._

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday, September 30, 12:26 am<strong>

"Ahem," the doctor said, clearing his throat. "Detectives." They waited expectantly as he took a breath. _Please god, let her be alive._

"I'm sorry. Ms. Cabot's injuries were too severe. She. . ."

But Olivia instantly tuned him out. She stepped back and sank back down onto her seat. _Please, let me wake up. This is the worst nightmare I've ever had._

She felt the air next to her move as Elliot sat down. He didn't say anything, didn't touch her. He knew by now how let her deal with this.

She couldn't breathe.

...

Alex's mother showed up later that morning, and Olivia found herself in a difficult situation, as if it wasn't bad enough already. She and Virginia Cabot didn't have the friendliest of histories. But Alex had talked about how much progress her mother had made over the past few years, about how much more accepting she became after her husband passed away.

But it wasn't easy to forget the snide remarks and cold looks of disdain from Virginia back when she and Alex were together. As soon as Olivia saw her, however, the next morning at the precinct, everything changed.

Virginia stepped into the squad room, and Olivia was the first to spot her, tears in her eyes and shoulders slumped. She looked older and more tired than Olivia remembered and she couldn't blame her really. Her own frown lines and dark circles beneath her eyes had significantly deepened over the previous week.

The silvery blonde hair and striking resemblance to her daughter had Olivia's breath catching in her throat, mildly surprised at how raw and recent the feelings of grief still were.

The eyes were the main difference, Olivia knew that. Alex had her father's eyes, and when she stood up and walked over to the tearful woman, she was thankful for that at least. That she didn't have to look into blue eyes that matched Alex's.

"Mrs. Cabot," she said, her voice small. She didn't really know what else to say and at first, when Virginia stood in front of her, quiet for a moment, Olivia thought she might explode into a fit of rage, blaming Olivia for her daughter's death. It had been Olivia's job to protect her, after all.

But the moment broke and Virginia's face crumpled and tears fell freely as the older woman stepped forward and pulled Olivia into a tight hug.

"My baby," she sobbed into the brunette's shoulder. "My baby."

Olivia's heart broke at her words, the reality of what happened breaking over her again. She patted the woman's back as soothingly as she could, considering the two of them had never so much as touched before.

Virginia felt thin and almost frail in Olivia's arms, and she guessed that the shock of losing someone like that did strange and severe things to the body. The woman couldn't have been more than sixty years old.

Finally, the older woman pulled back, wiping her eyes with the back of her hands as daintily as possible, and Olivia was reminded vividly of her first impression of Alex's snobbish mother. Right at that moment though, she was just a human being, a mother who had lost her child and Olivia didn't know the first thing she should say.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me," she said, with still watery eyes and a running nose.

Olivia nodded, giving a small smile to the flustered woman. She ran a nervous hand through her hair.

"It's just that," Virginia went on. "I know how fond she was of you and how important your friendship was to her."

Olivia paused, previously unaware that Alex had spoken so highly of her to her mother recently, and that Virginia took those words to heart.

"I appreciate you saying that," Olivia said, and then searched Virginia's eyes. "Do you need anything? A place to stay or anything like that?"

Virginia shook her head. "No dear, I'm fine. But thank you for asking. I'm staying in a hotel. I sold the apartment, you know, when I moved upstate. And I don't think I could stay at Alexandra's . . ."  
>Her voice broke then at the mention of her daughter and her face again crumpled. Olivia stepped forward again and hugged the woman tightly.<p>

...

**Wednesday, October 1, 8:01 am**

Today was the funeral, and once Olivia managed to heave herself out of bed, she shuffled over to the window and pulled back the curtains an inch, just to check the weather. It was cloudy, misty, just as it should be on the day that Alexandra Cabot would be put into the ground.

She let the curtain drop from her hand and walked, in a daze to her kitchen table and sat down on one of the chairs. Her head found its familiar place propped up on her hands and she scanned her table, full of bills and discarded papers she had yet to deal with. Vaguely, she eyed them, and thought about how she might never have the urge to clean up or deal with something as mundane as paperwork ever again.

A knock sounded on her door. That would be Elliot, ready to pick her up for the funeral. Funeral. _Damn_, she thought. It was a morbid name for a morbid occasion. Her thoughts were on everything morbid there ever was.

"Come in," she called out, because he had a key and as the lock turned, she didn't try to hide her red face and bloodshot eyes.

He came in and shut the door behind him, walking over to stand next to her. Out of the many suits he owned, this morning he wore his best black suit, crisp shirt and black tie. His shoes were even shined.

"You gonna go?" He asked, and it was a simple question, however loaded. He was aware that she might not be able to go, would be okay with her not going, considering. But he had to ask, had to at least attempt to convince her to attend.

Olivia nodded, rubbing a hand over her face. She looked like hell, she knew, but it wouldn't take her long to get ready. Short hair was convenient in that way. And besides, she couldn't _not_ go to Alex's funeral.

"She's really gone," Olivia said, her tone dull. "This is surreal. She was with us at the bar and then they _shot_ her and . . . "

She was close to breaking down again. But surely the human body had its limits. Surely there were only a finite number of tears that it could possibly shed.

Elliot sat down beside her at her table, knowing that she didn't want to be touched or comforted or coddled. They were alike, in that sense, tough as nails and showing weakness as little as possible. But compartmentalized emotions tended to surface one way or the other, and they had both experienced it.

"I was . . . god, El. I was afraid of losing my fucking job and I . . . I should have just been with her. I wanted to be. I should have . . ."

He nodded. He knew. But he let her speak.

"I love her. I loved her."

Standing up, she went back into her bedroom to search for something black to wear.

...

That night, Olivia didn't want to be alone in her apartment, going to work was the only thing she wanted to do, the only thing that might get her mind off of everything. The squad room was eerily silent, and it remained that way the entire day. Olivia sat at her desk, wanting to tap her pencil or her foot or shove something off the table or break her lamp. Anything to end this unbearable but inevitable silence.

What else could they do? Their ADA was dead, it was all over the news, and none of them knew what to do with themselves. Speaking to each other unless strictly necessary was out of the question and eye contact between them was nonexistent.

Cragen walked in with a file in hand, asking for an update on their newest case. His voice was foreign and loud and not quite right and each of the detectives jumped at the intrusion.

They sat quietly for a moment longer and finally Elliot responded, saying something about not having any leads and it being a lost cause.

Cragen shook his head and then glanced over at Olivia's and Elliot's desks.

"Latest update on the Zapata and Velez case. There was an attempt on Zapata's life in federal lockup today but he managed to survive. They've got him under supervision at the hospital."

"So Zapata got what was coming to him after he flipped on his boss." Munch said, looking around the room, not really expecting an answer.

"Well, shit. If he dies, Velez's extradition is out," Elliot said, frustrated, scratching his chin.

"Hope that he lives. As twisted as that is. And you two are wanted by Agent Hammond. He wants a follow up meeting. And here are the directions."

After sharing a perplexed and slightly annoyed glance with his brooding partner, Elliot stood up and took the paper from Cragen's outstretched hand.

"We don't have anything left to say to him," Elliot said quietly. Cragen shrugged.

"Apparently you do. Go see him."

Elliot looked down at the paper, brow furrowed. He obviously had no idea why Hammond would want to see them much less speak to them again. Olivia stood up and slid her jacket over her shoulders, as it was dark already and the early evening chill was becoming colder and colder every night.

They drove to the address on the paper, wondering why they were going so far out of their way simply to meet with a DEA agent. Pulling up to the secluded area near the water on Shore Boulevard next to a lightly wooded park, Elliot put the car in park. They could hear the traffic from the Robert F. Kennedy bridge zooming back and forth not far away. Three cars were parked ahead of them. There was a large SUV in the middle and two sedans on the outsides.

Simultaneously as they slammed their car doors, two doors opened at the first car and Agent Hammond stepped out, followed by another man in a suit.

Olivia glanced at Elliot, whose jaw had clenched and hands balled into fists. She recognized his response and felt her own heart begin to beat faster.

_What the hell is this?_

She thought back to Munch's conspiracy theories and a gruesome possibility flashed into her mind. Could the federal government be so upset about their fuck up with Alex's case that they were willing to take out two NYPD detectives?

Hammond shook his head, scowling viciously at them both. Their expressions must have given away their confusion because he spoke again right away, jerking his head back to the SUV.

"She wouldn't take no for an answer. Demanded to see you two and threw a damn fit when we told her it was impossible."

"What?" Elliot questioned under his breath and shook his head, perplexed completely.

Olivia shared the feeling and then the back door to the second SUV opened and over the door, she could just make out the top of a blonde head slowly climbing out. Followed by slightly unsure feet and a thin body that moved to the side, shutting the car door with her free hand. Olivia's eyes trailed up the body to the sling attached to a limp right arm, and further up to an unsure face and clear blue eyes.

It was the second time in three days that Olivia was sure she was dreaming. There was no possible way for this to be happening. Alex Cabot was dead, buried in the cold ground and this person, this ghost, must have been a figment of her imagination. A moment passed and still she stared, open mouthed at the specter, and still the figure remained.

"Alex?" She practically whispered, her eyes filling with tears, the main thought in her mind what a sick joke this would be if Alex was not really standing in front of her.

Alex gave a tight-lipped smile, but it didn't reach her eyes.

"Your funeral was today," Olivia said. And Alex closed her eyes briefly, looking away and up at the still dreary, dark sky.

"How's my mother?" She asked, speaking for the first time and her voice was hoarse as she looked again towards Olivia, brown eyes meeting blue.

Olivia shrugged, frowned. Shook her head. "She thinks you're dead." _  
><em>

Running her hand across her eyes, Alex nodded, sniffing.

Hammond cleared his throat, and all eyes turned to him expectantly.

"You are _not_ to tell anyone about this. You two are the only ones, besides us, who know. Revealing this information could compromise Ms. Cabot's location and status."

"Witness protection?" Elliot asked, and Alex nodded again, apparently unable to find words.

"We need to get moving." The other man in a suit stepped off to the side, reopening the car door and waiting for Alex to get back in.

She hesitated. Her eyes found Olivia's again and her face struggled to put itself in the appropriate expression. It went over looking pained, heartbroken.

Olivia understood the feeling, and she wanted to say so much. All of her feelings, everything she wanted to say but didn't know how was on the tip of her tongue, ready to be let out.

"How long?" was all she could think of to ask. Alex shrugged, opened her mouth to speak, and closed it again.

But the agents were waiting and ushering Alex to the car and she glanced back once more, and it was happening too quickly, over too soon.

"I'm sorry," was all she managed to get out before the door shut. Hammond and his friend in the suit were already in the other car ready to drive away. None of them, including Elliot, saw the tiny slip of paper flutter from the running board down to the gravel. Olivia caught the paper's movement and eyed it, wondering what it was and hoping that the men in suits wouldn't notice it.

The SUV and sedans sped off, and with their darkly tinted windows, it was impossible to see within. She was sure Alex was looking out, however and the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end at the feeling.

Elliot turned to her as they pulled around the corner and their taillights disappeared from sight.

"She's alive," he said disbelievingly. Olivia could only nod, mouth in a tight line. She couldn't believe it either.

Glancing around, she moved forward and bent down, scooping up the paper scrap quickly. Elliot raised an eyebrow at her and motioned with his head towards the car. They got in, shut the doors and he began to drive back towards Manhattan.

Olivia slowly opened the paper, afraid of what it might contain, of what it might not contain.

It was one word, in Alex's tidy scrawl. Enough for her but hopefully not enough for anyone else who might have happened upon the paper and figured out what it meant.

_Wisconsin_.

"What are you planning on doing with that?" Elliot asked seriously, taking in the word scribbled on the paper.

Olivia eyed him as she tore it into tiny pieces. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

He shook his head. "You could get her killed. You could get yourself killed."

She shrugged. "She's already dead. And as for me," she hesitated, glancing briefly out the window and then back at her partner. "She's giving me a chance. God knows how long she'll be in WITSEC. And I'm going to find her."

"It's a bad idea, Liv. You know it is."

She ignored him, placing the torn paper in her jacket pocket with the intent to burn them later.

"Olivia," he said more forcefully. "You know how dangerous these guys are. You'll lead Velez right to her. It's a bad idea."

She took a deep breath, let it out. He was right, of course. But why would Alex leave the paper if she didn't want Olivia coming after her? Her hands gripped the seat next to her legs, the knuckles turning white.

"What am I supposed to do, then? She's alive and I'm supposed to just let her go?"

Elliot looked over at her briefly, his eyes giving away his worry and protectiveness.

* * *

><p><em>AN – I sort of agonized over this chapter, wanting to get it right because it's LOSS! And I hope I did it justice making it sort of a turning point in my story. Thanks for reading!_


	33. Chapter 33

_ A/N- I know it took me a while for this one but I was working consistently on it, and I wanted it to be just right. Hope you enjoy._

Trevor Langan returned from the bathroom, wiping his still damp hands on his trouser legs. There were no paper towels in the bathroom and he muttered grumpily under his breath. It hadn't been a good day, with piles of subpoenas and warrants to sort through and a pending trial that wasn't looking promising for the defense. And now the bar beckoned to him, fairly empty and full of enticing-looking drinks, and the TV droned on in the background, stuck on some news channel. The news had been full of police reports and press conferences and all the major networks talking about the enormous fuck-up the police let happen earlier in the day.

He looked towards the door and back, still waiting, and then raised one of his long-fingered hands at the bartender, signaling for another, and after a moment, a beer appeared in front of him and he took a grateful sip. On his third beer already, he felt marginally better than he had twenty minutes ago upon first getting to the bar.

His friend Lenny Nash, a friend from their college days, was supposed to meet him. When he answered his phone a few hours before and heard Lenny's voice on the other end, he was surprised but not unpleasantly so. Only a block down Pearl Street separated them at work and they saw each other every now and then but hadn't met up like this in quite some time.

It was a little out of the blue for Lenny to be calling him and suggesting that they meet up, but he didn't pay that any mind. Quite frankly, he was grateful for an excuse to get out and spend some time in a social environment. He'd been stuck in the office and in prison interview rooms dealing with criminals and drug dealers and all sorts of unpleasant people.

The news broadcaster's voice on the television caught his attention, a name popped out at him and he glanced over at the screen, reading the bottom scroll as it ran across. The broadcaster spoke again and Trevor heard fully what he was talking about. It was the same thing that had been going through the news circuits all day, ever since early this morning when the police and feds decided that the public should know about the threat being posed to them.

Rafael Zapata had escaped from the hospital where he was being treated for the injuries he received in federal lockup. Trevor's eyes slid from the television back to his beer. He'd heard enough about that, wasn't too worried about it because Zapata, if he had any brains at all, wouldn't dare go on some sort of killing spree. In fact, he would probably be well out of town by now, out of range and reach of his cartel and government authorities.

His attention fully back on his drink now, Langan took a deep breath, hoping for the day's pressures and anxieties to slip away. After five more minutes of sipping his fresh beer, Lenny Nash stepped past the threshold and into the bar. It had been a long day and certainly a long time since the two of them had a drink together. He looked different, wore a grey suit, ill-fitted, his dark hair was going bald and needed a shave probably two days ago.

"Hey, Trevor how's it going?" The slightly round-bellied man asked as he slid into the stool next to Trevor's. Trevor shook his head, turning to his friend, taking in the man's frown lines and the bags beneath his eyes. He obviously didn't get much sleep nowadays either. Pressures of the job, Langan supposed. He motioned over to the bartender, signaling a drink for Lenny.

"Not very good, Len," he said, taking a drink. "Work has been a bitch lately."

Lenny shook his head, grinning at him as the bartender brought his beer. "I know how that is."

"Yeah? How's the fed treating you?" Trevor asked. Lenny shrugged, set the mug down.

"It's okay. You know, work as usual." He said, cryptically. Trevor wasn't sure what he did for the federal government exactly, only that he was an agent of some sort for the FBI. They were all top secret types, unwilling and unable really to speak about the secrets their jobs held, and Trevor understood that, working with the types of people that Lenny sometimes had to deal with and put away for federal crimes. If that's what he actually did, Trevor wasn't sure.

"You hear about Zapata escaping?" Lenny asked, glancing quickly at Trevor and then back to his glass. Trevor nodded, letting out a small sigh.

"Who hasn't?" he asked. Hearing about Alex getting shot and killed was bad enough, he had never wanted anything bad to happen to her, just for her to give him the time of day. And maybe to get into her pants. Instead, she only had eyes for that damned woman detective. And now the man purportedly responsible for her death had escaped from federal supervision when he was being treated in the hospital for his wounds sustained in holding. Zapata was a bad guy, that much was for sure, and Trevor felt bad for anyone who happened to get in his way.

"Is it true that Zapata's boss was behind the attempted murder?" Trevor asked, hopeful for a little insider information from his well-connected friend.

"That's what I hear. Cesar Velez was taking care of the problem posed by Zapata when he agreed to give up names and information in exchange for his own freedom."

"But how did Zapata survive?" Trevor asked, knowing all too well what happened to guys like Zapata whom their bosses wanted dead. Money did wondrous things and especially within the prison system. Lenny shrugged.

"Got damned lucky, from what I gathered. And now that he's escaped, it's a shit storm at the office, let me assure you."

"I'll bet it is," Trevor said knowingly. He shifted in his seat, kicking his feet absently against his stool.

"After that ADA wouldn't back down and shut her mouth and ended up getting herself shot, everything has been a big mess."

Trevor stiffened and his face fell at the mention of Alex and her demise, and his friend didn't miss it. He stared intently into Trevor's face.

"What? Did you know her? You screwin' her or something?"

The defense attorney shot him a derisive look and scoffed. "Yeah right," he started and could feel the beer finally loosening his tongue. "She was more interested in that dyke detective."

"Which one?" Lenny asked with a smirk and nudged Trevor's arm

"Benson," Trevor said without laughing. To him it wasn't funny. Now he would never have a chance.

"Oh yeah, the one from sex crimes?"

Trevor nodded. "Yeah, that one."

"Interesting," And a strange look crossed his friend's face that Trevor couldn't decipher. After a moment's pause where he contemplated something, seemingly debating momentarily whether or not to continue speaking, Lenny went on, chuckling to himself.

"Well, listen I've got something that might make you feel better about your old girlfriend."

"And what's that?" Trevor was skeptical, and a little offended that Lenny was having a laugh at his expense. There wasn't much, save more alcohol at that point that could make him feel better. He took a large gulp of his rapidly disappearing drink.

"She's alive."

Trevor leaned forward, coughing and spitting up the drink he had just swallowed. It had come back up and some of it went back down the wrong tube.

"What!? How could you know that?" He asked, bewildered, not allowing himself yet to get his hopes up that this could be true.

"I'm a U.S. Marshal," Lenny said, grinning at him.

"But I thought you were just a federal agent?" Trevor asked. Lenny shook his head. "I've never told you what I do. You just assumed."

"And you're telling me now?"

Lenny nodded, nonchalantly sipping his drink.

"She's alive. And you're a Marshal. So you're telling me she's in WITSEC?"

Lenny said nothing. Neutral now, like it mattered. The cat was out of the bag, but the question at that point was why. Why had he divulged this information to Trevor now, when the two of them had hardly spoken more than three or four times since college graduation, much less told each other top secret intel from the federal government?

"But you aren't allowed to tell people that. If you're really a Marshal. Why are you telling me?"

Trevor began to feel uneasy. It didn't feel right, now that he thought about it, having Lenny call him out of the blue, wanting to talk and catch up, and then hitting him with this unprecedented information.

"I've got my reasons. Now listen, now that we've talked about that, I'm gonna need to change the subject just a little." Lenny set his glass down and turned to fully face Trevor on his stool. There weren't many other people in the bar so he didn't seem too worried about being overheard.

"Well, not exactly changing the subject. This is along the same lines. Strange coincidence that Cabot would be "killed" by this Colombian drug cartel and I'm talking to you tonight, isn't it?"

"Why is that a coincidence?" Trevor asked, color rising in his cheeks.

"Don't play dumb."

"I'm not. What the hell is this about?"

Lenny gave him a frown. "I work for the Feds. And I know all about the money laundering you've been involved in. You've been hiding large sums of cash for your clients and my boss happens to know all about it."

"Your boss?" Trevor asked, perplexed. "The director of the U.S. Marshals?"

"Sure, let's say that's who my boss is."

Trevor didn't know what to say. He knew Lenny was lying through his teeth now and it was beginning to sound like he was in on all of this drug business. Why else would he think it was a 'coincidence' that they were meeting up after Alex was killed and after Zapata escaped?

It was alarming and unsettling to think of someone as high up and connected as this man to be corrupt and in cahoots with the cartels. Money did accomplish some incredible things, however.

His hesitance and silence gave him away. He couldn't deny that he'd done those things, and it was obvious that Lenny knew very well the truth. But how he had learned this information, Trevor had no idea. He certainly hadn't expected to be confronted here and now, and by someone he thought he could trust.

"So," Lenny said. "Here's the deal. I'm going to do you a favor and not reveal to certain important authorities your little transgressions and you're going to do me a favor in return."

"Is that right?" His voice still held bravado, but Trevor was beginning to look less and less sure of himself. He knew how much trouble he could potentially be in if anyone found out about the money he'd been trying to hide. The dealers he had defended came into large sums of money, and he didnt ask where it came from. He did, however, agree to hide the money in offshore accounts when they presented him with a hard-to-resist number. His cut, of course, was nice, but not quite worth the grey hairs the stress of it all had caused him.

"Oh, it is. Because, you see, both your job and quite frankly your life are now on the line. "

Trevor's mouth pressed into a thin line. His hands gripped the table as Lenny spoke again.

"Great. So. .. thanks to you and your monetary indescretions with drug cartels, I've got the perfect place for my client to stay tonight. A, shall we say, high profile client."

"Who is it?"

"You'll see. Anyway. Treat this client well and you'll be rewarded with more than your life."

Lenny stood up, began to put on his jacket. "He's got an important job to attend to in the morning, so he needs a good night's rest."

"I'm not going to like this person, am I?"

Lenny smiled. "That doesn't matter. You will find though," he leaned close to Trevor's ear. "That Mr. Zapata does _not_ like to leave loose ends untied."

Balking at the name, the defense attorney turned a sickly shade of pale.

"The Feds are protecting Rafael Zapata?"

Lenny grinned again in his cat ate the canary way. "Something like that."

"So _you're_ protecting him. And what's his 'job' in the morning?" Trevor asked, growing desperate now for more information.

"Can't say exactly. But I will tell you this," he said, stepping close once more. "Your little tidbit of information along with what I've heard from around the building has complicated things a little, but I'm sure he will thoroughly enjoy taking a small detour from the original destination."

His mouth gaping open, Trevor realized all at once how completely out of his league he was. Trevor thought back quickly on what he had said to Lenny, and the only thing that popped into his mind was how interested Lenny had been that Alex and Detective Benson were 'involved'. And Lenny was now implying that Zapata would be targeting the detective before he went after someone else. But who? Alex? She was surely far away under some other, less evil, Marshal's protection.

Trevor knew Alex's mother had been under protection during the trial, and cringed at the thought of Zapata targeting an older woman simply because of her familial connection to Alex. He didn't even know the woman, but he certainly did feel torn between wanting to tell someone about this, to stop all of this from happening and feeling terrified of the consequences if he did.

"Now," Lenny said, patting Trevor on the back heartily. "Make sure you don't share our little secret. And no friends over at your place tonight. He'll be there in about an hour."

"An hour?" Trevor practically squeaked.

"See ya around, buddy." Lenny shoved open the door and strolled out into the chilly night air.

...

The phone on her desk rang, cutting through the silence in the squad room. It was late, she was exhausted and the paperwork had mysteriously been piling up on her desk ever since Alex. . .

She ran a hand through her hair, breathing out heavily. The temptation to fly out of La Guardia on the first flight to Wherever, Wisconsin was overwhelming. She didn't know where to look for Alex, that was true, but what did that matter? She could get there and scour every town, inch by inch until she found Alex. How long could it take?

She sat back in her chair. _Damn_. What the hell was the point of leaving her that slip of paper if it wasn't specific enough for her to do anything about?

Picking up the phone, she placed it to her ear.

"Benson," she said.

"Uh. . . Detective Benson," a man's voice hit her ears, hesitant and frightened.

"Can I help you?"

"This is . . . umm. . this is Trevor Langan."

"Langan?" Olivia asked, thoroughly surprised. "What do you want?"

He hesitated again. And then, "I need to talk to you."

Olivia shook her head. What in the hell? "I'm all ears."

"Okay, um. . . I'm at a pay phone so I'm assuming it hasn't been tapped. But I think I'm in danger. And I called you because you're involved with the case."

He was rambling and Olivia couldn't make sense of what he was trying to say.

"Wait. What? What are you talking about?"

"Detective Benson, listen to me. I'm in danger and I think I've just put you in danger as well. But they're coming for me first, and I need your help."

"Why would I be in danger? And who's coming for you?" He sounded like a lunatic, rambling on about danger and help and what in the world was he talking about?

She could hear the distress in his voice and knew there had to be some truth to what he was saying. "It's Zapata. He's after me now and then you and then Alex's mother."

"Where are you?" She demanded, standing up out of her seat. It fell backwards with a loud racket and Elliot's head shot up, his expression questioning.

"He's coming to my apartment. Needed a place to stay for the night. But I don't think I'll live through tonight if he comes over."

"I don't understand, Langan. How are you connected to him?"

The distressed man let out a huff of air. "It's a long story. But you should know, Alex's mom isn't safe. You aren't safe. Alex isn't safe."

"What!?" She cried and her fist crumpled in some spare papers on her desk.

"How could you know that? How do you know she's _alive_?" Olivia hissed the last word quietly, conscious of other people in the room.

"I have to go. He said an hour. Please, detective. I need your help."

...

"C'mon Elliot, lets go!"

Elliot jumped up after her and threw on his coat. By the sound of her bizarre phone conversation, he had to know this was important and urgent.

"Where are we going?"

Olivia led the way to the stairs.

"To Trevor Langan's apartment. I have to call Agent Hammond. You call Cragen. Tell him we've got a lead on Zapata."

"No shit?" She glanced back at him, not smiling because this was not a good situation, the possibility of capturing Zapata or not.

"No shit."

...

"Hammond." His voice was curt. He had caller ID on his cell phone, so he knew who was calling.

"Hey, listen, I've just received intel that Alex's mother is in danger." She cut right to the problem, there was no time to waste.

"Did you?" He asked derisively, maybe disbelievingly.

"Yes. And I'm on my way to Langan's apartment because he thinks his life is in danger too."

"Langan? Langan. . . why does that name ring a bell?"

"He's a defense attorney. And an asshole, but he really is in trouble. . ."

He cut her off, remembering the name at last. "You mean the defense attorney who represented all those drug traffickers a while back?"

"Yeah hi. . . Wait. What?"

"Trevor Langan, right?"

"Yes," Olivia said, slamming her car door as she sat down and nodding to Elliot that she was ready to go. Turning the key in the ignition, he put the car in gear and peeled out of the parking lot, heading uptown, towards the upper west side. Elliot had Langan's address written down from his brief phone conversation with Cragen.

They couldn't tell Cragen everything, but they needed information and the bare minimums would have to do. Besides, he was their commanding officer and they would need his permission to proceed with this part of the investigation. He would be meeting them at Langan's apartment with backup.

"You mean he's possibly connected to Zapata and Velez?" Olivia asked, and she felt Elliot's eyes on her briefly before he turned back to the road.

"It's possible. The drug traffickers were South American, could have been Colombian. Do you think Zapata is behind this?"

"I'm positive. And somehow, Langan knows that Alex is still alive," she said, knowing full well how bad this was going to be.

"What!? HOW?" Hammond's voice roared across the airwaves and Olivia inched the phone away from her now tender ear.

"I don't know how, he didn't say."

"Sounds like a leak. Fuck!"

Olivia paused. A leak within the witness protection program was rare, almost unheard of. She only knew of one occasion when someone had opened his mouth about a high profile witness, a federal agent leaked to a Chicago crime organization about a former hit man in the program. That was the only slip up WITSEC had ever had, besides witnesses who sometimes refused to follow the rules.

But this was insane. Someone had leaked information to Langan about Alex and her mother. And apparently Langan had opened his mouth about Alex and her so-called relationship with Olivia. And now they were about to encounter Zapata face-to-face.

"So they've targeted Langan because he defended those drug guys. Seems risky to let him in on all these secrets though. But what about Alex? And her mother?" Olivia asked.

"After Zapata escaped, we moved her mother to a new location. She's safe."

"But. . . What about the leak?"

Hammond hesitated over the phone. Olivia patted the door handle impatiently when a red light halted their progress.

"Didn't think of that?" Olivia asked cynically.

"Shut the hell up, Benson. We'll get her moved again after we figure out where the leak came from."

She closed her phone and stared out the window, willing with everything she had for all the lights to be green and for no traffic along their way.

…

"So, what's the connection between you and Alex and Langan?" Elliot asked, still putting the pieces together from what he heard of the one-sided phone conversation. He knew about the scuffle between Langan and Olivia at the bar that night a while back, but his partner didn't speak of the incident after it happened. As far as he knew, Langan put the moves on Alex and Olivia just happened to be around to put a stop to his unwanted advances.

She shrugged, watching the buildings pass by in a blur.

"Exactly what you saw at the bar. He's a creep and he shouldn't have been all over Alex like that."

"And that's it?" Olivia had to give him credit. The man was a detective for a reason, and the one incident seemed like it barely scratched the surface of a more complicated story. She rolled her eyes, still not looking at him.

"No. He's done it before. The second time I was there and the first time I wasn't. She wasn't interested in him from the beginning but he couldn't get that through his thick skull."

Elliot nodded, she could see his head moving slowly from the corner of her eye.

"And you didn't tell Hammond that _you_ were also in danger because...?" He trailed off, wanting her to finish his sentence. She was hoping he wouldn't catch that little tidbit of information. Sighing, Olivia put her hand in her hair, pulling it distractedly.

"Langan has apparently heard rumors that Alex and I were together, or having some sort of in-office affair and I guess he spilled the beans. Or someone did. Because now I'm a target as well."

"So Zapata is just gonna go out and kill off every person close to Alex? For what?"

Olivia shrugged. "I don't know. Revenge?"

"Didn't he get his revenge by having her shot in the first place?"

Her eyes finally met Elliot's before he looked back to the street.

"I guess that wasn't enough."

...

"This is it," Elliot said. They jumped out of the car, doors slamming and tails of their coats flying in the cold wind. Two unmarked sedans pulled up as soon as they reached the building's door. Elliot rushed to the car's trunk, threw it open and tossed a bulletproof best first to Olivia and then grabbed one for himself.

Hammond jumped out, followed by three other guys in suits. The federal agent motioned towards the two detectives, who had strapped on their vests and were ready to enter the building.

"Okay, here's the plan," Hammond said, gathering his three agents and the detectives together.

"Stabler and Benson will lead. Rodriguez," Hammond nodded towards one of the tall, formidable-looking males. "You set up a perimeter out here as soon as the uniforms show up with backup. No one gets out of this building unless we bring them out."

Rodriguez nodded and turned to follow his orders.

"All right, let's get him." Hammond said simply, stepping back to let the detectives enter first.

The entry door and the stairs went by in a blur. Adrenaline flowing through her veins, Olivia hurtled up the stairs after her partner without so much as losing her breath.

His apartment door was down the hall on the left, and timing at that point was everything.

Time seemed to slow down as the next few events unfolded. The agents trailed just a few steps behind them as the detectives rushed down the hall. Their footsteps were muffled by the thin carpet in the hall, but she could hear everything. Her senses were heightened and every breath Hammond took behind her sounded like a heaving gasp.

They slowed as they approached the door, and Elliot moved his head close to listen. It turned out he didn't have to be anywhere close to the door however, because a world of sound burst forth from the room in front of them.

POP POP POP

Gunshots. Olivia paled at the sound, felt the blood rush to her fingertips and leg muscles, tensing her for the upcoming action. A sudden memory of a warm night not long before with gunshots just like these and a pool of blood with a dying Alex Cabot lying beneath her jumped to the front of her brain. She had to shake off the horrible feeling of déjà vu and get ready to move.

A muffled shout followed the gunshots behind the door.

"Shit," Elliot said and reared back his leg. He gave the front door a charging front kick. It slammed open and Elliot quickly glanced around the corner, gave the okay for forward motion and stepped into the apartment.

Olivia followed him, with Hammond right at her back. Elliot paused at the next corner and poked his head around that one as well. It was clear, he motioned them forward and raised his gun.

"Langan!" He called out, and the smell of gunpowder stung Olivia's nostrils. She stepped into the living room and looked around, her gun raised, mirroring Elliot's.

A groan came from behind the couch and the two detectives shared a quick, knowing glance before sprinting around it, allowing Hammond to cover them from behind. Olivia moved quickly, crouching down when they saw Langan's sprawled figure, lying on his back in a pool of blood. His eyes were open, mouth gaping, fish-like, as he gestured wildly as his wounds with his bloody hands.

"Shit!" Olivia yelled out behind her, shocked at the amount of blood that had already seeped from Langan's body. "Call a bus!"

Elliot leaned towards him and put his hands over Langan's gushing bullet holes, but it was already too late. Blood eased its way out of the defense attorney's mouth, trickling down his cheek to join the steadily growing puddle beneath him. His body was trembling and jerked minutely as he bled out.

"Was Zapata here?" Elliot asked, staring into Langan's grey blue eyes.

Langan blinked, nodded slightly and then shuddered once more.

"Who is the leak?" Hammond had come close and leaned in, hoping for a last minute hint about where all these problems were stemming from. But it was too late. He was gone.

"Is the room clear?" The federal agent straightened up and demanded as his guys checked the rest of the apartment. Only Elliot and Olivia remained in the living room with Langan's body, staring at each other over him.

How quickly all this had escalated. One minute Langan was safe and blissfully unaware of the real dangers the drug cartels posed, and the next he was shot dead in his apartment for getting in the middle of something far more sinister than even his darkest intentions.

And then a noise from the kitchen startled them both. It sounded like something had fallen to the floor. Elliot jumped up and raised his gun toward the kitchen, craning his head up to see over the barstools.

"What was it?" Olivia called out, still kneeling next to Langan.

"Uh. It's a book, actually. That's weir. . ."

And as he tried to finish his sentence, another shot was fired, this time from just behind Olivia, and Elliot, whom she could see just over the couch, crumpled in a heap to the ground. Movement beside her drew her attention and she watched, dumbfounded, as Zapata himself leapt out from behind the curtain and sprinted towards the front door. He must not have seen her kneeling behind the couch, or had the time to turn and fire multiple shots in her direction. Whatever the reason, she was lucky not to have been shot.

It happened so fast and her gun lay useless a foot away, next to Langan's lifeless body. She grabbed for it, could still see Zapata's rapidly retreating figure down the hall and just as she leveled her gun at him to fire, he disappeared around the corner.

"What the. . .?" Still shocked that the drug lord had simply been hiding behind the curtain next to her, she shook her head and then managed to kick start her reactions. Elliot had been shot. Standing up, she hurdled the couch and ran over to her partner, who was on his hands and knees now on the kitchen tile.

"Elliot!" She said, her voice giving away.

"What are you doing?" He moaned, gesturing towards the door. "Go after him!"

She knew the choice she had made and was ready to deal with the consequences. Hammond flew back into the room, eyes wide at all the commotion. Olivia motioned out the door, knowing he would be furious, but she was counting on the agent downstairs to stop the fleeing convict.

"Zapata! He just went out the door!" She pointed towards the corner down the hall as she bent down to assist her partner.

Hammond shot her a look that spoke volumes about the choice she had just made. He obviously thought she should have chased after the drug lord, same as Elliot, but her priorities were first on her partner, and then on Zapata who did, now that she thought about it, pose as a pretty severe threat to herself and now to Alex. The federal agent ran down the hall, his two remaining agents tailing after him.

She knelt back down to Elliot and searched him for blood or other obvious injuries. He was breathing hard, struggling for air. The breath had been knocked out of him from the bullet.

"Where are you hurt?" She asked, still feeling around. She must have hit a sensitive spot just below his collar bone because he winced and pushed her hands away.

"Right there," he said, and she looked closely at his vest. The bullet had torn through the top layer but had been stopped. She helped him sit up on his knees and unvelcro the vest, tossing it aside while trying to avoid hurting him.

Vest completely out of the way, she helped him unbutton his collared shirt and push it off his left shoulder so they could see the damage the bullet had done. There was a blossoming blue and black bruise forming, growing larger and larger beneath the skin's surface.

"That doesn't look good," she said, ghosting her fingers over it.

"No it doesn't," he agreed. Wincing again as he shifted, he made to stand, but Olivia held him down.

"Maybe you shouldn't move," she suggested.

"Is that ambulance on its way?"

She nodded. Good thing, too. The bruise was getting bigger.

"Well then, help me get down there. We need to go after Zapata."

...

Downstairs, things were a mess. Elliot needed help walking down the stairs because it hurt him to stand up and take deep breaths. Cragen was deep in conversation with an irate-looking Agent Hammond, and both of them turned and watched as Olivia helped her partner down the stairs to the street. Apparently Zapata had escaped again because he was nowhere in sight and all the federal agents were standing away from Hammond, on their phones or deep in conversation with each other. The agent named Rodriguez looked thoroughly admonished.

Cragen nodded at Hammond and walked up to them, concern written all over his face.

"You okay?" He asked, stepping in to help Olivia hoist Elliot over to the ambulance. It had just pulled up and the EMTs rushed over to help.

"Anyone else inside we need to get to?" One of them asked.

Olivia shook her head, handing off her injuried partner to the waiting paramedic.

"Only a dead man. Go ahead and call CSU and the medical examiner."

Elliot looked a little pale as he stepped up and inside the ambulance, sitting down on the gurney and trying to take a deep breath.

The paramedic pressed down gently on Elliot's still blue-tinged chest and he hissed, batting the man's hands away with his uninjured arm.

"Ouch," he said loudly.

The paramedic frowned. "You might have some internal injuries and bleeding."

"Nah, I'm fine. I had the vest on. I'll be just fine," he said again, but his face didn't match his words, turning paler against the blue spreading bruise.

"You're not fine, sir. I need to take you to the hospital for an ultrasound and CT scan."

Typical Elliot, shook his head and made to stand up.

"I thought you were just gonna look me over, not take me to the damn hospital. I'm fine!"

"Sir. . ." The EMT started, but Cragen cut him off.

"Elliot, sit your ass down. You're going to the hospital, no arguments."

"But, Cap," Elliot protested.

"No. Absolutely not. That's a direct order. Besides, you're wasting time because your partner here has a plane to catch."

"A plane?" Olivia asked, although she had an inkling, and she wanted to find out exactly how much Cragen knew at this point. "To where?"

"No idea. Apparently I'm not allowed to ask questions about it. You're going with Agent Hammond, so you'll be working with the FBI until further notice."

"And I have to go to the damn hospital."

Elliot expression gave away his disappointment and resentment, but he still looked terrible, too pale to even be conscious.

"Should I pack a bag or something?" Olivia asked. Cragen shook his head.

"No time. Hammond is waiting right now for you in his car. They'll have everything you need, I'm sure."

Olivia shot him a skeptical look.

"All right. Well, see you, El. Don't die on me, okay?"

He nodded, giving a half-smile, half-grimace.

"I'll do my damnedest."

Olivia nodded at him, patted his knee and smiled tightly. The door to the ambulance slammed shut and Cragen slapped the back of it twice.

"So you're not in on anything?"

Cragen shook his head, face as stoic as usual. "No, and you're not allowed to tell me. So get going."

"Yes sir," she said curtly, eyebrows raised and turned towards the sidewalk where Hammond had parked. She had a feeling Cragen knew more than he was letting on, somehow.

...

In the car with Hammond, it was beyond awkward. One, Olivia was partially to blame for his old partner's death at the hands of the drug cartel, Two, she was responsible for letting Zapata get away when they were so close to capturing him. And what he didn't know, yet anyway, was that she was now another person who needed his protection, due to her connection with Alex Cabot and Trevor Langan.

Granted, Alex herself had caused him more grief than anyone, but Olivia was in his car now and the only one there for him to bitch at. But he said nothing. To his credit, he was completely silent, staring straight ahead as he drove north towards the Henry Hudson parkway.

"Where exactly are we going?" She couldn't stand the silence or the helpless feeling of not knowing what lay ahead.

"The airport," Hammond said after a pause, as if he was unwilling to speak to her at all.

"Right, but aren't we going the wrong way?" She was thinking of La Guardia or JFK, and those were in the other direction.

"No. Different airport. We think Zapata left from Teterboro Airport to avoid security and other authorities. So that's where we're going."

"Zapata is already in the air?"

"Not sure," Hammond said curtly.

"And where do you think he intends to go?"

"To take care of Alex Cabot. Tie up the loose ends so that he can get back in with Velez."

She didn't ask any more questions, and besides, his tone wasn't exactly welcoming for anything else. The fact that Olivia knew approximately the location Zapata was headed wasn't something she needed to reveal to Hammond. He was having enough trouble with leaks and escaped convicted drug lords to have to deal with a protected witness who wasn't following the rules, revealing her location and all.

Eventually they pulled up to the airport, where several black sedans waited, and several men and women in suits stepped out as they approached. One woman with a sharp face, dark sunglasses and severe hairstyle pulled back low in a tight bun updated Hammond as they walked. Her voice was low but Olivia strained her ears and hung on every word.

"Zapata is gone. We found a car, probably the one he got away in, torched about a mile away. And air traffic control here reported that several private jets have taken off in the past hour. No flight following on any of them."

"Then I guess we'll have to hope we can beat him there."

Olivia remained quiet as they approached the plane. Well, jet was probably a more accurate description of the aircraft. It looked big, and nice. Like something a filthy rich CEO might fly around in. The engines were idling, emitting a high pitched whine. She couldn't resist as they got closer.

"We're taking this?" Her voice trailed off, in awe at the extravagance of the private jet, apparently the federal government sometimes spared no expense to transport their high ranking officials. Olivia's heart rate began to increase as she thought about how close they were cutting it now. Due to the leak, Zapata would know exactly where Alex was and he wouldn't rest until she was truly dead. The gravity of the situation and need to hurry up and get there almost overwhelmed her.

Hammond didn't seem to notice. He simply stared at her for her remark, making an impatient gesture for her to get on the plane. She rolled her eyes and complied. Fine. Anyway, they needed to hurry to beat Zapata to Alex. Climbing aboard quickly, she settled into the plush leather seat and buckled up.

Surely they would have agents already there, ready to protect and move Alex if necessary. She reassured herself that these people were the best at hiding witnesses, giving them completely new identities so that they were never found. They would be fully capable of keeping a safe distance between the former attorney and the escaped drug lord. Hopefully.

She closed her eyes and wondered without much concern how cold it would be in Wisconsin.

A/N- next one is coming soon. Just need to work some of the kinks out.

.


	34. Chapter 34

_A/N –It took a little longer than I anticipated to 'edit' this one. It started getting longer and longer with this plot. So anyway, enjoy this super long update and hopefully you enjoy it. Thanks for reading! _

_P.s. I'm not an expert on witness protection (or police stuff for that matter) so I probably screwed some stuff up. It's a secretive society and I don't know fully how they operate having only watched the first four episodes so far of In Plain Sight for research purposes._

...

_**Alex**_

Wisconsin, believe it or not, was quite a bit colder than New York City in early October. She thought back to a week before, the day of her funeral and the day she was slated to head to Wisconsin.

Alex was allowed one bag from her apartment when the federal agents escorted her from the hospital to the Upper West side. What does one put in a bag from their old life to take their new life? The agents were standing next to her the entire time, reminding her several times to replace the mementos and personal belongings that broke protocol. No pictures, nothing with her former name on it, nothing to reveal her previous identity at all. Plus, she wasn't allowed to take things that anyone, her mother mainly, visiting her apartment would notice were gone. So she wandered around her apartment for a while, aimlessly and with one still numb arm in a sling, wishing desperately to be able to stay, before the agents had to prod her into hurrying things along.

She threw in several long sleeved shirts, some jeans, a pair of tennis shoes and running clothes. Barely looking at a pair of slacks and a nice shirt, she tossed that in as well. Who knew what they would have her doing in Wisconsin. All she knew was that it would probably be cold. So she included a few more sweaters and a big jacket along with some toiletries and underwear. Taking a lingering look around her apartment, Alex sighed. This was it. The last time she would see this place in a while. It could be years for all she knew.

One of the agents cleared his throat and she glanced over at him, tearing her eyes away from her home. He had crossed his arms, impatient for her to gather up her stuff and get on with it. Sighing once more, she held up a finger for him to wait. Tossing her bag to his feet, she hurried to the bathroom and shut the door behind her. The bathroom was chilly, the tile cold against her hands as she leaned on the counter. A memory hit her, as fresh as the day it happened. Bringing Olivia up here to doctor her bleeding hand after she had punched Langan, and then lunging forward to kiss her, unable to help the desire she constantly felt for the detective.

Olivia

God, how long was it going to be before she saw her again? An idea hit her suddenly as hard as the bullet just a day before. It was reckless, yes, but she couldn't stand the thought of never being able to see Olivia for years, potentially. It was too much. She rummaged around in her drawer and found a slip of paper from an old receipt and a pen. It was a bad idea. She knew that. But it was all she had. She scribbled one word on the back of the paper and crumpled it to the bottom of her pocket. She reached down, flushed the toilet to make things more believable and stepped out of the bathroom.

The week Alex had been Wisconsin already had been a long one. One of the longest of her life, actually. It was Wednesday, exactly one week after her funeral. She wanted desperately for time to speed up and to hear some sort of news about Velez being extradited so that she could get the hell out of there. It was frustrating, having the means and the phone number in her head, just one call away, and she could speak with Olivia again. But that was impossible. The security measures put in place all depended on her ability to keep this secret. Her thoughts went back to the day she 'died'.

With a brand new identity, Emily Phillips from Tulsa, Oklahoma to be exact, they departed at midnight and on the 1 hour and 52 minute flight from La Guardia to Dane County Regional Airport, she didn't sleep a bit. Her body was exhausted. The surgery, waking up to find out that she had been officially declared dead and would be entering into the witness protection program to stay alive, and then packing up her belongings and immediately demanding to speak with Olivia and Elliot one more time had really taken a toll on her physical well-being.

That meeting had gone exactly as she thought it would. It was gut wrenching, and horrible. And then wonderful at the same time. There was nothing more in the world Alex wanted than to see the dark haired woman again. Just one more time before starting her new life, and she made damn sure Agent Hammond knew that she absolutely refused to comply with their orders unless she was able to let the two detectives know that she was alive, that they had done their jobs and protected her. Stepping out of that SUV, she had expected Olivia to be shocked, but her actual expression when it happened was heartbreaking. Her face was a mixture of emotions, shock, disbelief, relief, and then sadness as Olivia realized what was happening. Alex was alive, yes, but she was about to go away for potentially a very long time. And seeing that progression of realization was one of the hardest things Alex could remember experiencing.

They had to say goodbye and it all went too quickly. She desperately wanted to touch Olivia, to draw her into a hug, to kiss her, to say something that would alleviate her worries or tell her everything would be okay. But there was no time, and before she knew it she was back in the car, staring out at her detective through the darkened glass, wishing in vain for this case to have never happened. She had dropped the slip of paper with shaky hands before she slid into the car, hoping to whoever might be up there listening that none of the agents would see it.

And then they had landed in Madison, Wisconsin. It was around 3 in the morning by the time the two U.S. Marshals assigned to her case picked her up. Two women, Marshals Jackie Dean and Sarah Olden, Alex thought they were nice enough as they greeted her and put her bag of non-identity revealing clothing and belongings in the trunk of the sedan. She sat in the backseat, feeling a little like a prisoner, as they left the airport and headed downtown.

In a nondescript building near the capitol which sat on a strip of land between two bodies of water, Lake Mendota and Lake Monona, the two Marshals escorted Alex inside and they all sat together in an interview room. They briefed her about what being in the Witness Protection Program meant. She was strictly forbidden to contact people from her past, no family, no friends, no one and that at the end of the day she was basically responsible for her own safety. The Marshals could only do so much, and that if she followed the rules, there was a very good chance she would stay alive. Nodding along at most of this information, her mind kept highlighting the fact that she had already broken the rules before even reaching this new destination.

But chances were, leaving that slip of paper would get her nowhere. Olivia wouldn't come. There was no way she would up and leave all her pending cases and just come looking for her. Besides, she hadn't specified where exactly she would be staying. And what would Olivia do if she did come? Join the witness protection program with her? Leave her job and her friends behind in New York? It had been a stupid plan and she felt like an idiot for even entertaining the idea that Olivia would come after her.

Alex tried to ignore those feelings of regret and the feelings of worry about being by herself in this new and foreign place, no friends, no knowledge of the area and no big city with noises and distractions to make her feel safe and at-home. After signing her old life away and agreeing to be this brand new person who would be living in the suburbs and working at an insurance agency starting in a week and a half, Alex felt lost. She could have been in a different country, a different continent, a whole world away for how different she realized Madison was from New York City. It was more like her childhood home in Connecticut than anything.

As the Marshals drove west, away from downtown and the capitol and towards a more residential part of the city, the differences grew larger and starker. They pulled into a cul-de-sac to a small house, nice enough with a lawn and a small tree in the yard and a large number 15 on the door. She had neighbors, of course, and a grove of trees stood back behind her house, separating their neighborhood from the next. The Marshals carried her suitcase and a box of groceries they had purchased before picking her up and unlocked the door. One of them, Alex couldn't remember which name belonged to which woman, handed her the keys and took a look around the house before walking back to the door. She asked if Alex would be okay for the night and then they were gone.

They had explained that one of them would check up on her once a day for that first week, make sure she wasn't contacting anyone from her former life and that she had food. Apparently the federally funded witness protection program did not include transportation, such as cars or buses. Alex didn't ask how she was supposed to get to work without a car or a subway to ride, but she figured they would update her with that information soon enough.

The first night was the worst. But the following nights weren't much better. The days weren't easy either because she wasn't supposed to go far from her house until her job started. But Alex Cabot wasn't good at taking orders from people, so each morning, she got out of bed, having not slept well on the foreign mattress with scratchy sheets and slid on her running shoes and a sweatshirt. Her house wasn't far from Lake Mendota and she pounded out a good three miles each morning, returning to the house sweating and feeling a little better.

The pain in her arm was still present, the wound stitched up and on its way to healing, and all this activity probably wasn't helping the process, but she paid that no mind. The lake was beautiful and there was a community park not far away where she could watch people who probably never had to start their lives completely over play tennis and softball games and row out on the little pond with a nice running trail around it.

Bored to no end the first day she was there, Alex yearned more than anything and was surprised to feel that way, to have some sort of paperwork or files to go over or trial to prep for. She never thought she'd miss the paperwork, but not having anything to pass the time was much worse. And soon, she would be working at a job she knew she wouldn't love, knew she wouldn't get any satisfaction out of. A born prosecutor, Alex Cabot was not destined to be typing up insurance claims.

That first day after her run, she explored the house and its two bedrooms and three bathrooms. The kitchen and living room were nice and already furnished with simple, functional furniture. In the garage, the car-less garage, she found a fairly sturdy road bike. The tires were flat, but there was a pump lying not far away and she aired them up with no problem. Alex had been given a small allowance to buy things she might need and she grabbed twenty dollars of it from the kitchen table and shut the door behind her. A bike ride into town would be nice. She'd already seen several people out and about on their bicycles that morning and understood why Madison, Wisconsin was supposed to be one of the healthiest cities in the U.S.

She visited a movie rental store, renting two movies and then found a small bookstore just down the street where she found a few cheap paperback crime novels. Almost laughing at the irony of her purchase, Alex paid the woman at the cash register and rode her bicycle back to her house. Not 'home'. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Her home was still facing Central Park with its fine lines and comfortable couches and her bed. God, her bed. She missed it. All of it.

And now Alex had been living there a week. It was a week since everyone she knew had attended her funeral and thought she was dead and she'd only cried a few times a day. Not bad for a person who had just lost everything. In a few days she would start her new job and was feeling nervous about it. She knew nothing about insurance and selling it to people. At least she would be doing simple secretarial things. But what a waste. She had a brain full of legal knowledge and she would only be using it to do tedious, menial tasks. Vowing to read and keep current with new cases and trials, Alex needed to figure out a way to get the New York Times and the Post delivered to her. Maybe she would even see her detective in the papers every now and then.

She sipped a mug of hot tea, rotating back and forth her still aching shoulder and looked wistfully out the curtained window at the street. Her run that morning had been a difficult one, she pushed herself to her limits at six miles, discovering new parts of the city she hadn't seen yet. It was the best way to get to know a place, she thought, to actually run through it and see it face to face. Another run that evening would be nice and Alex decided to try a different direction completely, maybe find another park not far from her house. One of the Marshals was supposed to stop by with more groceries and to check on her again that night and she looked forward to some interaction with another human.

The events that took place that day across the country in New York slipped by without her knowledge. Oblivious to the news that Zapata had escaped from the federal authorities, Alex went about her day as usual, reading and rearranging her furniture for the fifth time and vacuuming and finding an old basketball in the garage. She dribbled it around the kitchen for a while, and then lay on her back in the living room, shooting it into the air with one hand, wondering if she should go to the shelter and get a cat or a dog or a hamster for some companionship.

The day slipped into the early evening and it was time for her to go out on the run she'd been looking forward to since her other run that morning. Bundling on her sweatshirt and gloves, she grabbed a warm toboggan and shoved it down on her head, as the temperatures were usually around 40 degrees at night and in the early morning. Late evening was just falling as she hit the streets, her legs still slightly tired from that morning, and she breathed in the clean air. It certainly smelled different here than it did in New York City. It was nice.

And one thing she found to like about Madison was the crime rate. She had asked her Marshals what it was the other day and was thoroughly surprised at their mind-boggling number of murders and rapes. There were only 3 murders the year before and 90 rapes in Madison. Those numbers paled in comparison to New York's 587 murders and more than 1,500 rapes. If she had her old job back here in Madison, there would be nothing to investigate, almost no one to prosecute. That made her feel better about running the streets alone at night. But no impressive crime rate would make her feel safe enough to walk outside her door without the gift Cragen had given her before she was shot that night outside the bar. It rubbed her lower back raw, but she didn't care, almost reveled in that feeling of security, in fact. Damn the fact that she'd never shot it before.

Her legs and lungs burned with the extra exertion as she ran south towards Walnut Grove Park and the woods behind it, blissfully unaware of the danger that was steadily heading her way.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Olivia<strong>_

They landed at Middleton Municipal because it was closest to Alex's house, closer than the Regional airport anyway. Hurrying out of the plane once the pilot gave them the all clear, they jogged to the terminal, meeting two women inside. They were the U.S. Marshals for Madison and both of them looked incensed, and Olivia soon found out why. Walking quickly with Marshals Dean and Olden, they gave Hammond a quick rundown of everything that had happened over the past hour.

"So we heard about ten minutes too late that a private plane had landed inbound from New York. By the time we sent the uniforms over, Zapata was already gone. He must have had a car ready, or stolen one because he was in the wind in no time."

Hammond didn't reply. He walked with purposeful strides towards the SUV they had waiting and slid into the back seat. Olivia wordlessly took the opposite side and sat quietly.

"And what about Alex Cabot?"

The detective hung on every word, willing the Marshal to drive faster, to get to wherever Alex lived as quickly as possible. The driver, Dean, shook her head.

"We checked on Alex several minutes ago. She was not in the house. She has been known to go out jogging, usually goes down to Lake Mendota. We've got agents out looking for her and cars sitting on the house, but no word yet."

Hammond's head shot up jerkily. "You don't know where she is?"

Olivia began to panic inwardly at his tone and at the silence now suffocating the occupants of the car. This was not good. The U.S. Marshals didn't just lose somebody. They were supposed to be the best at keeping people safe. This was not keeping people safe. This was the opposite of that.

Seeming to sense the rising tension in the vehicle, the Marshal stepped harder on the gas pedal and the SUV accelerated through traffic, weaving through lanes and avoiding cars left and right.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Alex<strong>_

Cutting through a trail in the small forest flanking the Walnut Grove Park, Alex dodged trees and branches in the fading light, pushing her body past its limits. She was breathing hard as she swept into the clearing of the park, onto the deserted soccer fields, and she found herself wishing she had run towards the lake tonight instead of this park. The sunset, from what Alex could see of it, was breathtaking. Clouds were dissipating at the horizon line and the blazing sun painted them striking colors of reds and oranges. But there she was, stuck with her decision to run through this forest and field, and so she continued running back towards her house. It was getting late and colder by the minute.

It was about a mile back to her house and she found herself becoming more and more familiar with the winding suburban streets and their strange names. They were much different than New York City's square planning, numbered streets and avenues and easily identifiable landmarks.

Eventually she reached the street directly behind her cul-de-sac and decided to cut through her neighbor's finely kept yard. Sure they wouldn't mind, much less ever know about it, Alex jogged over the grass and was just about to pass the trees into her own backyard when she saw the lights.

There were so many and their reds and blues and bright flashing whites almost blinded her as she stopped suddenly, trying to adjust her vision. _What in the world?_

She stepped forward, at first confused as to why so many police cars with their flashing lights were parked outside of her house, Alex wanted to find out why they were there. Perhaps it was one of the neighbors, maybe there was a fire, or a robbery. Maybe it was one of the three murders supposed to take place in Madison every year. But as she stepped closer, she saw that they were definitely parked outside her house, and there were uniformed officers and several men and women in suits swarming her yard and walking into and out of her house.

She guessed the Marshals kept a key, just in case they really needed to get in, and Alex couldn't help but feel a little indignant and put off that all these officers were swarming around her house without her knowledge. And just as she squinted through the flashing lights, Alex could have sworn she caught a glimpse of a tall, balding man. He looked quite a bit like Agent Hammond. And he was speaking with a group of about three people, their faces cloaked in shadows.

_Maybe something happened with the case_, she thought suddenly. And she began to walk quickly towards her house, hope flaring up irrationally in her chest, and would have reached it within a minute if it wasn't for the arms that appeared suddenly to grab her from behind.

A hand closed on her mouth, muffling the scream that immediately erupted from her lungs. She squirmed in the strong arms, prying at them with her hands and scratching the skin but to no avail. Whoever it was kept a strong grip and dragged her backwards and off to the right, farther into the grove of trees next to her neighbor's house.

Trying desperately to get away, Alex kicked back with her heel, hoping to catch him on his shin, but nothing deterred him, not even slamming her head back against his chest, hoping to make contact with his face. Anything to get him to release her for just a moment. All she needed was an opening. But he was too strong, and she had just run three miles. And six miles that morning. And been shot the week before. Her body was exhausted. A thought hit her as her foot hit an exposed tree root. She needed to leave a trail of some sort. Hansel and Gretel style. All those police officers and federal agents, someone had to be looking for her. As discreetly as possible, while still trying to fend him off, Alex slipped off her left shoe, hoping it would land somewhere visible.

If he noticed her lack of a shoe, he said nothing as he continued to drag her farther into the trees, and Alex felt herself begin to weaken, the strength leaving her body steadily, like water running through one's fingers. It was useless. So she went limp in his arms, deciding to save her strength for a time she would need it more. An aching pain throbbed through her shoulder and she felt blood cooling and drying as it leaked out of her still healing shoulder wound. Her senses rushed back to her, adrenaline still pumping steadily in her veins, and she saw everything with sharpened vision. Trees seemed to rush by, branches catching in her hair and scratching her face as the man finally came to a stop behind a towering fir tree and pushed her roughly to the ground.

Her face landed in a pile of needles, and she inhaled sharply at the pain of falling hard on the unforgiving ground. There was the smell of the leaves and then her nose caught something else. Expensive cologne. Cologne she had smelled before in an interview room. And a courtroom.

And she knew what this was. She knew who this was. If her heart had stopped right then and fallen into her stomach, she wouldn't have been surprised. Probably wouldn't have even noticed. As chilly as it was, her blood seemed to run even colder at the thought of her now very real, very horrifying situation.

Zapata.

Turning over slowly, she hoped to whoever might be up there that this man wasn't who she thought he was. Her dilated eyes landed on his tall frame, his smooth head and goatee were unmistakable. And the deadly glint in his almost black eyes was the most terrifying thing she'd ever seen. It was him, all right. But how could it be? He was in prison, supposedly. Locked up and pending his federal trial. He was supposed to be giving up Velez and setting her free. How could he be here?

"You fucking bitch," he growled and pulled a knife from his belt, and Alex knew she was not dreaming, that he was indeed here, somehow. And now he surely meant to kill her. The long metal blade glinted wickedly at her in the partial light. She was going to be gutted right here, just feet away from her house and several dozen law enforcement officials.

Scrambling back away from him, Alex had her back to the tree. It was hard and unyielding and she wished for something to defend herself with when her lower back scraped up against the bark. And then she felt it. And remembered. Of course! She carried it with her now on every run, and she was surprised that he hadn't felt it against his front as he dragged her back through the trees.

But she needed to distract him, to get him to back up. He was too close with that incredibly sharp-looking knife, and Alex wasn't sure if she would have time to pull the gun out from behind her, get the safety off, and a get a solid shot before he sliced her open.

"How did you find me?" she said, her voice trembling in the near darkness as she tried to figure out the best way to reach behind her back without him noticing.

He gave an evil, sideways grin. "I have my ways. Your precious law enforcement and judicial system isn't as infallible as you think," he spat, his Columbian accent thick in the air.

"Someone had to have leaked my location," she said, and he shifted his stance. He was getting antsy, wanting to get this over with and have her dead. Really dead, this time.

"They did, yes. And I've been following you for the past hour." Alex tried not show her surprise. She'd been out running now for over an hour and felt chill bumps run up and down her spine as she pictured him lurking behind trees, watching her the entire time. She needed to keep him talking.

"And why aren't you in prison?" she asked, bargaining for time.

He laughed, the sound foreign in the now freezing air and muffled by the surrounding trees. They were really alone in here. What chance was there that someone would actually find them before he jumped forward to slice her throat? She needed to make a move before he did. But it seemed that he was too amused at the moment to end things.

"You have been living in a different world, bitch. They tried to kill me in prison and I escaped." His glee only seemed to increase at her shocked expression. To hell with the chances of someone finding them, what were the chances of a prisoner this well-known and sought after to have escaped from prison? She had to recover quickly.

"Impressive," she said, shifting slightly to give herself room. "But here's something you didn't think about."

He raised a dark eyebrow in her direction. "And what is that?"

She leaned forward as quickly as she could and whipped the .38 revolver from its position in her elastic and held it with both hands, pointing it with shaky arms at the drug lord. His eyes went wide at her sudden movement and even wider at the weapon she now possessed. It put his knife to shame and she couldn't help but wonder why he didn't have a gun. Perhaps it wasn't his murder weapon of choice.

The surprised man took a step back, looking unsure. He seemed to consider for a moment the possibility that she wouldn't shoot him, but Alex caught the contemplative expression on his face at that moment and made to stand up, still aiming the gun at his heart.

"I don't think so, Mr. Zapata," she said quietly, rising to her full height and stepping towards him as he held his hands up, dropping the knife to the hard ground. "You didn't stop to consider the fact that I might prepare myself for another cowardly attempt on my life. You had me shot. And then when that didn't work, you came all the way out here to finish the job yourself."

Another step, and Alex registered the look of fear now in his eyes. Zapata finally realized, after having repeatedly resisted the notion that women sometimes fight back against their tormentors, that Alex Cabot was no longer fucking around.

"But if you haven't noticed, Mr. Zapata. I'm still alive. And I'm not going to die tonight, and not anytime soon either if I can help it. You, on the other hand . . ." Alex trailed off as a cold breeze whipped through the trees. Her finger rested lightly on the trigger. The safety was off. All it would take to end it all was one little squeeze.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Olivia<strong>_

Hammond looked frazzled. And that didn't happen often, Olivia knew from experience. Things had to be going very wrong for him to behave this way. Alex Cabot seemed to be at the heart of his problems. She was gone apparently, maybe out running somewhere, maybe abducted, maybe dead in an alley or in one of these abundant lakes in the area. No one knew, but there were agents all around looking for her. Police in a 100 mile radius were given instructions to be on the lookout for her. And for Zapata.

A feeling of dread had overtaken Olivia as soon as the Marshal admitted that Alex was no longer safely inside her house and under the protection of the agents. The feeling hadn't gone away as they approached the house with flashing lights and peeled eyes. Several laps around the house and a venture inside made Olivia feel like she was having a bizarre dream. Alex had been living here the past week, with nondescript clothes and furniture that didn't belong to her and everything felt so . . . wrong.

Hammond instructed one of the Marshals, Dean, to partner up with Olivia and take a wider perimeter, to look out by the trees behind the house and see if they found anything of interest. It was something to do to pass the time that seemed to drag by as they waited for news of any sort: good or bad. Anything would be better than this waiting. As they walked side by side, running their flashlights over the leaf and needle-strewn ground, Olivia had nothing to say.

This woman and her partner were supposed to be taking care of Alex and keeping her safe. They had failed, but Olivia couldn't put too much blame on them. Alex was as headstrong as they came, and if she wanted to do something, by god, she would do it. Besides that, Olivia had been in the Marshal's shoes before. She knew what it was like to be in charge of keeping someone safe and watching helplessly as destiny wrapped its twisting fingers around the circumstances and wrenched the woman she loved again from within her grasp.

"What's that?" Dean asked as she flicked her light back over a spot near a large tree root extending up from the ground. Olivia shined her own light at it and then saw what Dean was talking about. It was a tennis shoe. A familiar-looking bright red sneaker, it looked to be about a size 9 when the detective bent down to pick it up. She felt inside with her bare hand. It was still warm.

"She was here not long ago," Olivia said quietly, her voice in a hurried whisper. Marshal Dean met her eyes, and a look of worry passed between the two of them. One shoe off, one shoe on was not a good omen. Dean continued to shine her light around the area and picked up the drag marks in the dirt. They led off into the trees and Olivia felt her heart contract with fear.

_Shit._

She whipped out her cell phone, hoping to contact Hammond immediately, get back-up out here and figure out what to do. But the battery was dead. She flipped it closed and shoved it back in her coat pocket. Dean's phone wasn't much better. No service out there in the trees.

_Double Shit._

Olivia glanced back and forth from the trees to the flashing lights near the cul-de-sac. A quick decision had to be made. Alex's life might have depended on it.

"You go back and get Hammond. I'll go and see if I can find her."

Dean shook her head and made to reach for her gun, ready to accompany Olivia into the dark grove of trees. "No way. You're not going alone."

The detective rolled her eyes, whispering fiercely. "Damn it. There's no time! We need backup and you have to go get it. Now!"

It looked like it pained her to do it, but Dean complied, turning around after giving Olivia an apologetic look and ran off back towards the house. Olivia turned back to the trees and crept her way along the drag marks as they led farther into darkness.

_Wherever Alex is_, Olivia thought, _she won't be going down without a fight._

…...

After a few cautious steps, flashlight trained downwards and gun in hand, hopefully to avoid spooking Zapata into killing Alex right away, Olivia moved further along the scuffle tracks. And then suddenly, she stepped past a fir tree and was shocked to be feet away from both of them, Alex and Raphael Zapata.

She couldn't believe her eyes.

Alex had a revolver trained on the drug lord, whose hands were up in the air and looked like he was about to wet himself. Olivia shined her light over and cleared her throat. Alex, to her credit, only jumped about two inches off the ground at the unexpected intrusion and quickly looked over at the newcomer. It was completely dark then and Olivia's face was hidden by the shadows cast by the flashlight against the ground.

Gun still aimed at Zapata, Alex darted her eyes back and forth from Zapata to Olivia, and Olivia wondered where Alex had found that gun, whether it was Zapata's and if so, how had she taken it from him?

"Who's that?" Alex asked, her voice only slightly shaky. Relief that Alex was alive and relatively safe flooded through Olivia in waves. The only problem now was that Alex looked poised to pull the trigger on a gun Olivia wasn't sure she even knew how to operate and murder the one man who could set the blonde free from witness protection. She needed to figure out a way to keep anything drastic from happening.

"It's Olivia," she said in a low voice, hoping not to startle or shock the blonde too badly. Alex was quiet for a moment.

"You got my message," Alex said, voice disbelieving. Olivia nodded, and then realized Alex couldn't see her face in the darkness.

"Yes, but that's not why I'm here."

Olivia saw the blonde glance back to Zapata. "For him?"

"Yes," Olivia said, wanting to say more, but she needed to get her message across. "But if you kill him right now, you'll stay in witness protection for a very long time."

Alex shrugged, tightening her grip on the gun. "It might be worth it. He ruined my life."

Olivia stepped forward, reaching out slowly to Alex's arm. Their touch, although through layers of warm clothing, still sparked familiar memories through the detective's nervous system.

"You can still have your old life back. I promise. Just don't kill him, Alex."

Alex darted her eyes towards the brunette. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Liv. There might be thousands of his guys all around the country looking to kill me."

"But Alex," Olivia argued. "You fight for justice. Let the system take care of him. He'll go away for life. Elliot and I witnessed him murder a man. And he can help get rid of Velez."

"I can get justice right now, Liv." But Olivia could hear the resignation in her voice. She knew Olivia was right, that killing Zapata like this would make her no better than the coward Zapata had hired to shoot her that night at the bar.

Olivia stepped closer and put her hand over Alex's. Now, skin on skin, Alex finally looked her fully in the eyes as the detective slowly extracted the gun from her grip. Olivia saw too late the sudden movement from the corner of her eye as Zapata made his move. He must have realized that this was his last chance, that he needed to make a break for it now or it would never happen.

The drug lord bent down and using his leg in a wide, circular motion, swept Olivia's feet out from beneath her and she felt herself falling to the ground and hitting it hard within a second. The two guns tumbled from her hands, the revolver landed not far away and her own service weapon bounced end over end, off in Zapata's direction.

_Hmmmph!_ All the breath in her lungs seemed leave at once as she contacted the ground. Alex had jumped back in surprise at the sudden movement and then rushed forward when she spotted Olivia on the ground.

Olivia saw the next events happen all in quick succession from her position on the ground. Zapata moved quickly towards her gun, scrambling to pick it up, and Alex must have seen his movement because she also scrambled towards the revolver. And although they both held guns at that moment, Zapata had the advantage. In her haste to find the revolver, Alex had turned her back for a split second and that was all it took for Zapata to grab hold of a stunned and winded Olivia and pull her body in front of his own.

Olivia felt the cold steel of her own weapon pressing hard against her temple. She swallowed hard, knowing that this was as bad as it could get. A hostage situation with no one to talk Zapata down. And an attorney who probably didn't know how to fire a gun standing feet away, pointing a weapon that could kill both the detective and the drug lord with one misplaced shot.

Of course, in a hostage situation, the key was to calm a person down, but Alex had the crazed look of a wild animal in her eyes. And Olivia knew that she was not the right person for the job in that moment. _Where the hell was Dean with backup?_

"I'm going to shoot you if you shoot her," Alex said to Zapata, her voice breaking. And Olivia cringed. That maybe wasn't the best thing to say to a desperate man with a gun and a helpless victim in his arms.

"No one needs to shoot anybody," Olivia started, but she felt the gun dig even harder into her head and Zapata's opposite arm crush around her ribs, squeezing her tightly. She couldn't breathe.

"Shut up!" he cried into her ear, keeping his eyes trained on the blonde.

"I will shoot you, Zapata," Alex said again. "But that's not what you want. You don't want to die. You just want to get out of here alive. So leave her alone and I won't shoot you."

_That was better_, thought Olivia. Lawyers typically did have a way with words.

Zapata hesitated, and things were going better, given the circumstances, than Olivia thought they would. Alex was doing well. But then Zapata moved quickly, surprising both of them for the millionth time that night.

He moved his gun from Olivia's temple, aimed it straight at Alex, seeming to decide that he wanted the situation to end differently than she described. Olivia knew what would have to happen next and she jerked out of the way, opposite of Zapata's body, hoping not to get hit by any stray bullets.

POW!

Sound exploded in her ears. But only one shot was fired.

Olivia opened her eyes after a moment, waiting to feel the sting of a bullet piercing her heart, but felt nothing. Nothing but adrenaline. She looked up reluctantly, fully expecting to see Alex lying on the ground again, bleeding with another bullet hole. But the blonde stood there, alive and well, with her eyes closed and gun still aimed at Zapata. She had taken a step back, probably from the force of the discharge.

_Wait, eyes __**closed**__? _

Olivia jerked around and looked at the limp, but still breathing and squirming body behind her. She looked back at Alex, disbelieving that she hadn't been instantly killed by the blonde and her closed-eyed shot. Eyes back on the man lying next to her on the ground, he was whimpering, the gun had fallen from his hand and he was trying to stop the blood from rushing out of his now bleeding shoulder. It was a wound very similar to the one Alex sported on her own right shoulder. _How fitting, _Olivia thought. The detective shrugged his dead weight off of her and made to stand on shaky feet, kicking her gun out of his hand's reach and then picked it up.

Olivia holstered her weapon and bent back down, deftly flipping the man over, disregarding his cries of pain as his shoulder contacted the ground. She pulled out a pair of handcuffs and closed them securely behind his back and stood up, leaving him lying on the ground.

Alex finally opened her eyes at the sound of Olivia closing the cuffs around Zapata's wrists, and she stared between the detective and the drug lord, with a disbelieving expression that mirrored Olivia's.

"Yeah, you didn't shoot me," Olivia deadpanned, stepping forward to take the gun from Alex's hand again. She flipped the safety on and placed it in her coat pocket. Alex was silent, her face pale and eyes wide in the darkness. She stayed quiet, eyes filling with tears as she covered her face with her hands.

Olivia stepped forward and without hesitation, wrapped her arms around Alex, realizing that the blonde was probably in shock and probably pretty relieved. Relieved that she hadn't shot Olivia, that Zapata was finally indisposed, that they were both safe. Finally. Hopefully.

Flashlights and rushed voices approached them from behind the fir tree and Olivia continued holding the blonde. Zapata was still lying on the ground, unable to move very far, blood oozing steadily from his wound. He had rolled onto his uninjured side and looked up at the two of them and his eyes held all the hatred of a man about to be sent away for the rest of his life.

"Disgusting fucking _marimachas_," he said. Olivia released Alex partially and lifted her foot, not far from his body, and rested it gently on his injured shoulder, pressing lightly at first and then progressively harder. His initial growl turned into a scream of pain as she ground his wound into the dirt.

The federal agents got closer, finally descending upon them and Olivia eased her shoe off of Zapata's shoulder but she didn't let go of Alex's hand and side. Her head remained buried in Olivia's shoulder and Olivia found herself wanting nothing more than to continue to hold Alex, to protect her forever. But the federal agents were now all around them. Hammond's eyes were as wide as ever as he ran forward and took in the scene. Two uniformed officers rushed to Zapata, grabbing both of his arms and hauling him to his feet. Zapata groaned at the harsh treatment, blood still spreading steadily on his shirt.

"We're going to need an ambulance because he's been shot."

"No shit," Hammond said, eyeing his bloodstained shirt. One of the other agents called in for a stretcher and before long, Zapata was heavily escorted and cuffed to the stretcher, bound for the hospital.

As the stretcher bounced along the tree roots and Zapata grimaced with each uncomfortable jar, Olivia and Alex walked close together several feet behind with Hammond. They had already explained what happened, and Olivia had turned over Alex's gun temporarily for verification of the bullet.

"I hope for the general public's sake, and for Alex's, that your people don't lose him again," Olivia said, half-jokingly. Hammond didn't smile. He never did, but Olivia didn't care. Alex was alive and breathing and in her arms and that was all that mattered.

"I have to ask, Ms. Cabot," Hammond said, hands in his coat pockets to protect him from the now-biting cold. "Where did you get that gun, and where did you learn to shoot like that?"

Alex looked up and gave a watery smile. She shrugged. "It's mine. Registered in my name and everything. Permit to carry. I'm a woman full of secrets, Agent Hammond."

Hammond nodded, glancing up quickly to meet her eyes. "That's true," he said. "And you'll have to add a few more to your list, I'm afraid."

Looking over at Olivia with a questioning look, Alex darted her head back to the federal agent as they approached her house. "What do you mean?" she asked. And Olivia hoped his answer wouldn't be that Alex would have to be relocated somewhere farther and more distant from Olivia.

He looked at both of them and crossed his arms, glancing briefly at their intertwined hands. "You two seem to make a pretty good partnership. And seeing as how you're both now at risk of getting killed by both Zapata's and Velez's guys, I'm going to make you both a deal."

"What kind of a deal?" Olivia asked, still slightly worried that Hammond would change his tune and see their friendship and closeness as some sort of threat or liability.

"The kind of deal where we send you to a new place and you get to start a new life and stay alive."

Olivia frowned and felt Alex's eyes on her. She knew they felt the same way about this. And her thoughts were confirmed when Alex spoke.

"We don't want to start a new life somewhere else. We want New York, with our jobs and our friends and my mother," Alex said.

Hammond shrugged, staring off towards the ambulance that was carrying Zapata to the hospital.

"You can have that as soon as we get Velez extradited. Thank god neither of you killed Zapata, though, otherwise you'd never go back."

Alex couldn't help but look guilty at this statement and Olivia didn't blame her. If she'd been in Alex's shoes, she might have done the same things.

"So you're sending us together?" Olivia said, tone skeptical. Surely that didn't happen. Not to people like the two of them, who'd been through so much and lost so much and now had the opportunity to rebuild everything.

Hammond nodded. "You can take care of each other. But try not to shoot each other with all of those guns, will you?"

…...

Inside the house, Alex was gathering up her things and Olivia couldn't help but ask. She was too curious about it. "Alex, that slip of paper," she started and Alex knew right away which road she was headed down. She began to shake her head, but Olivia went on.

"It was pointless. It could have ended up in the wrong hands and someone could have found you without our knowing about it."

The blonde nodded, realizing that it was probably not a good idea in hindsight, but at the time, it was all she had. And then Alex paused, brow furrowed as she tried to work something out. Zapata had managed to find her without the paper, and that information could only have come from within.

"So there _was_ a leak somewhere?" Olivia nodded, confirming what Zapata had already told her.

"And you don't know who it is?"

"No, not yet. They're working on it."

The blonde frowned as she tossed her sweatshirts into the bag. "So how did you find out that there was a leak in the first place?"

"Trevor Langan, actually," Olivia said quietly. Alex's head shot up. "What?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, Zapata's people targeted him because of his connections to the drug cartels, having defended some of them in the past. Apparently they had something on him, because they blackmailed him into allowing Zapata to stay at his apartment for the night. That was earlier this evening."

Alex was silent, her eyes glued to Olivia. "And he contacted you?"

Olivia nodded and Alex watched her intently. Her expression must have given it away because Alex sensed right away that something had gone wrong. "Something bad happened, didn't it?"

She nodded again. "Remember when I said that Elliot and I witnessed Zapata murder a man?" Alex's eyes went wide. "He was the man. Zapata shot him in his apartment right before we came in the door, and then he shot Elliot and escaped from the building."

"Holy shit," Alex said and sat down heavily on the bed, pushing the hair back out of her face.

"Is Elliot okay?" she asked quickly, her eyes pained and worried. Nodding, Olivia smiled. "He wanted to come with me, but Cragen made him go to the hospital. Possible internal bleeding, but I'm sure he's fine."

The blonde let out the breath she'd been holding. Too many people had been killed or almost killed within the past several weeks because of her.

"So anyway, Langan told us that Zapata had a job to do, and this was after Trevor let it slip that you and I had some sort of past relationship or ongoing relationship and that I was also in danger because of it."

"That asshole. But why would Zapata want to kill you?" Olivia shrugged.

"He wanted to take everything away from you. Like you did to him. So anyone you love, he wanted to destroy." Alex blinked at her. All this had happened and she had no idea. It was overwhelming. And then a thought struck her suddenly.

"My mother!" she said urgently. "Is she okay?"

Olivia nodded. "Yes, they moved her to a new location to protect her from any new threats." She left off the part about the leak having potential access to Virginia's location. Alex didn't need to worry about something she couldn't control at that moment.

Putting her head in her hands, Alex took a deep breath. Olivia moved to sit next to her on the bed. As she sat, she bounced up and down a little, feeling the mattress with her hands and frowning.

"This bed is not very comfortable." The situation called for a little humor, and Olivia knew Alex needed something else to think about.

"I know," Alex said, lifting her head up and half-smiling at Olivia. "I haven't been able to sleep a bit."

"I bet."

"Not only that," Alex went on. "But it's too damn quiet here. I miss the sounds of the city."

Olivia nodded. The sounds of sirens and honks and loud trucks were comforting, in their own strange way.

"So the paper didn't do either of us any good?" Alex asked, feeling silly about risking lives to leave a piece of paper that hadn't affected anything in the long run.

"No, but you still shouldn't have done it. It was reckless, what you did." Olivia tried to keep the scolding from her voice, but she couldn't help it. Alex shrugged.

"I don't care," she said, and her eyes lifted to meet Olivia's. "I felt reckless. I died, Liv. I had a funeral. I felt bizarrely invincible."

"You should feel grateful you're alive," Olivia said, her eyes softening at Alex's admittance.

"I do. But I didn't want to be alive if you weren't with me."

"That's crazy talk, Alex. You've lived how many years now without me?"

"Too many," Alex said simply, and Olivia knew she was right. Both of them were finally done with being apart.

Olivia smiled and pulled the blonde closer as they sat side by side on the bed. Their faces were inches apart and Alex closed the distance, her hands sliding up to cup Olivia's face to draw her in. Lips meeting at last, in a kiss that they both desperately wanted and needed, their lives at that point had reached a new turning point. Neither of them knew where they'd end up under this new protection deal, but it would be a temporary respite from the crazy world they'd grown accustomed to.

…

_A/N – I'm thinking two more chapters and this story will have run its course. Again, thanks for reading. Reviews are always appreciated, so tell me what you think!_


	35. Chapter 35

_Hello again! Sorry this update took me a while, but I got a bit ahead of myself __ and went crazy and wrote something like 16,000 words. Oops. And the story isn't even finished yet. I've split those 16,000 into two chapters, the second of which will be ready tomorrow and then there will _probably_ be two more chapters after that. One of them an epilogue. So. Yeah. Enjoy!_

_P.S. I've never been to either of these places, Madison WI or Boulder CO, but it's been fun learning and writing about them. If anyone who's reading from there let me know! _

_P.P.S – this chapter is sitting firmly in the M category. I was a little rusty after all that time these two spent apart. But __**they**__ weren't!_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Alex<strong>_

For the second time in a little over a week, Alex looked around at a new and strange place, a different state, a foreign climate and ecosystem. This area was chock full of mountains next to rolling plains and thick forests. After the previous night's adventure in the grove of trees, Alex found a new dislike for closed in forests. And Boulder, Colorado had plenty of them.

Colorado in general brought to mind snowy mountain caps and ski areas and mountain lined roads. The flight in by itself was enough shock any city dweller. Miles and miles of wilderness and she, having never so much as camped in her young life, wouldn't know what to do if faced with having to survive in it.

Their first stop, Alex knew, was to convene at whatever federal building housed the secretive witness protection program of Boulder. The car screeched to a halt in a reserved parking spot at the back of a large, ordinary looking building. The sign over the door proclaimed, _David Skaggs Research Center_. She felt Olivia's eyes on her and turned to meet her gaze. They had discussed what would take place on the plane, and Alex explained the process of being admitted into the program, the paperwork, the boredom, the anonymity of it all.

But this was a strange place to house their new federal Marshal's offices and headquarters. Alex shrugged and they exited the car, pulling their coats and scarves tighter in the chilly November weather. They were rapidly approaching Thanksgiving, and Alex couldn't remember a time she hadn't spent the holiday with her mother. Perhaps back in college, when she was feeling independent and wholly focused on her studies. But after her father passed away, she made sure every year to spend it with her mother, giving thanks to have one parent, as hard as her childhood and teenage years regarding her mother had been.

And now her mother was who knew where? She could be anywhere in the country, just like her and Olivia. The woman was probably terrified, and in mourning. She still didn't know that Alex was alive. The poor woman was living with the knowledge that most of her remaining family members, besides Uncle Bill, were all dead. Alex found herself wishing she could leave a note for her mother, the same way she had for Olivia. This witness protection business wasn't exactly fair.

Inside the building, Alex looked around, marveling at the size of the place as they passed by lab after lab and continued walking towards the back. The Marshal explained to both of them that it was used for researching the weather and atmospheric conditions and things like that. Their only other option for the U.S. Marshal's secret office was in the city's courthouse, and that was too obvious, as small as it was. So the research center was the perfect hiding place.

There was only one Marshal assigned to their case this time. Marshal Gabrielle Serzes was a short woman, dark hair pulled back in a ponytail, with kind, hazel eyes and a warm smile. She sat with them in a conference room towards the back of the building, well out of range of prying eyes.

It took them a little over an hour to go over the paperwork and the rules.

"So, you two. Do you understand everything we've gone over, everything necessary for your protection while you're here?" Gabrielle asked.

Olivia and Alex shared a glance, a collective sigh. Olivia looked back at her and nodded.

"I guess so. Where do we sign?"

Gabrielle pushed the identical stacks of papers towards them both and they each took one, reluctantly. It was a lot to take in, Alex knew, but Olivia would be fine. She was smart, worldly. And above all a survivor. Just like Alex. They would make it through this together.

Olivia seemed to read her mind. She smiled at the Marshal.

"Well, it's not like we're out camping in the wilderness, right?"

Gabrielle smile. "Right."

Olivia signed her name in the designated areas, and then looked at Alex, waiting for her to do the same. Alex hesitated, unsure if she was ready to sign her life away to these people. Again.

"Come on, Alex. It's not forever," Olivia said quietly, leaning in to the blonde. Alex closed her eyes for a moment. And then opened them. Olivia was right. It wouldn't be forever. She pulled the paper close, ready now to sign the damn things and get it over with.

"And finally, Detective Benson, I'm going to need all forms of identification. Ms. Cabot, all of your belongings are in storage back in New York, so you're good."

Olivia stared at her for a moment, the reality of it sinking in for her. Her identity was about to be wiped away. It had happened once to Alex already. Letting go completely of your past self wasn't easy. The brunette reluctantly handed over her I.D. and badge, watching the Marshal place them both into a ziploc baggie and store them in a box.

"Your new name, Detective, will be Donna Pierce, and you, Ms. Cabot will be referred to as Emily Jones."

"Very original," Alex remarked, mouth quirking up at her newest name, similar to the old one but with small changes. She figured it was easier to keep the first name. The Marshal smiled, shrugging her shoulders, and Alex knew these decisions and name choices weren't in Gabrielle's hands.

"Okay, so that's done," Gabrielle said. "Now we can get you two to the other side of town."

"Is that where we're staying?" Alex asked as they all stood and pushed their chairs in.

The Marshal nodded. "Yeah, it's called the Base of the Mountain Lodge, basically a motor inn a little bit outside of town. Right next to the mountain. It's really beautiful over there."

"Great," Alex said, her voice toneless.

"Oh, come on," Gabrielle urged. "It won't be that bad. And this time, you've got each other, right?"

Both of them looked over at her as they left the building and walked back to the Marshal's car. Their eyes met and Alex knew that she was right too. Both of these women seemed to have a better outlook on this situation than she did. They did have each other, which was much better than the alternative. She could be alone again, wondering what Olivia was doing a whole world away, wondering if she would ever see her again. And now they were together. There was a great deal to be thankful for.

It was quiet on the way across town, they drove past Colorado University and downtown Boulder and a long, wooded area called Central Park. Not quite like her own Central Park, but Alex figured it would have to do for the time being. And finally they approached the mountain, looming over them, it grew closer and closer until they were at its base. A short drive past several small businesses led them eventually to a clearing with a main building and a few small cabins settled back towards the trees.

It was indeed called the Base of the Mountain Lodge, and for good reason. The owner came out to greet them and Gabrielle nodded at him, smiling as they walked closer.

"Hey Richard," she said, familiar with the man. Alex wondered what he thought Gabrielle did for a living, why she often brought customers to him who stayed for extended periods of time. Marshals weren't allowed to reveal their status to anyone, their family, their friends. In some ways, their lives were as difficult and secretive as the people they were protecting. Strange profession to choose, at least that's what Alex thought. And then she thought of her own and Olivia's jobs. Also full of risk and sometimes full of secrets and confidentiality. But that risk paid off when they helped victims, it brought some justice to their lives.

It must have been the same for these Marshals she had met over such a short period.

Richard didn't ask any questions, his expression wasn't inquisitive or curious in any way. They must have had some sort of arrangement. He led them across the front path, where off to the side there was a creek, complete with a red footbridge, picturesque in the fall air with the mountain in the backdrop. Past the main, rock-covered building, he continued to walk until they reached a set of stone stairs, leading up to another set of wooden buildings. He walked them to the door, past the cabin's own set of benches and opened it for them, handing Alex the key as she passed him.

He told them he hoped they had a nice stay and that he would see them for dinner at the restaurant, if they liked. Smiling at him, Olivia nodded as he left, stepped inside, and set her bag down on the floor next to the couch, walking around the small sitting area to get a good look at the place. Alex watched Gabrielle step in behind them, closing the door with her foot as she carried a large cardboard box in her arms. She set down the box of groceries on the small table and looked over at the duo.

"Is this okay?" she asked, expression concerned.

Olivia nodded, still looking around, eyes falling on the two queen-sized beds covered in matching white quilts in the adjoining bedroom, door wide open for them to see. Alex's eyes were drawn to Olivia's throat, which she noticed moved up and down as the brunette swallowed. Alex couldn't help but wonder what exactly Olivia was thinking about, although she had some idea.

"What do you tell Richard about the people you bring here?" Alex asked, eyes back on the dark-haired Marshal, who stood next to the closed door.

She grinned. "I don't normally bring people here, actually. I take them all over town, different motels, but most people in the program have their own houses or apartments. You are probably less permanent. Richard thinks you two are my cousins who needed a nice place to stay for your vacation."

"Cousins, huh?" Olivia said, poking her head into the small bathroom and then back out.

Gabrielle looked a little embarrassed. "Well, to be honest. Just one of you is supposed to be my 'cousin'."

"And the other one is?" Alex asked, eyebrow raised.

"Her girlfriend," Gabrielle smiled.

"That's very funny," Olivia said as she sat down heavily on the couch, smirking at Alex from across the room.

The Marshal frowned, catching their shared, cynical smile. "You mean you two aren't together?"

Olivia shook her head and looked over at Alex who smiled at Gabrielle. "No," the blonde said simply. "Not together."

"Interesting," Gabrielle mused. "I could have sworn . . ." And her voice trailed off. She pulled herself together and spoke again, looking around at everything to make sure it was all in order.

"Anyway, none of my business. Listen, I'll be back tomorrow and I'll check . . ." But Alex cut her off.

"Check on us every day. Got it," Alex said.

Gabrielle nodded, grinning at them both. "Okay. Well, see you tomorrow then."

She closed the door as she left and its soft click echoed in the sparsely furnished and decorated room. Except for the dark pine walls and paintings of mountains and trees, there wasn't much to look at. Alex stood, staying where she was and stared at the detective, unsure of what to do or say next. They had yet to be alone together since reuniting back in Wisconsin. Their brief kiss in Alex's temporary bedroom was as close as they had been.

"Strange to be separated for so long and now to be crammed together in this tiny little room," Alex said at last.

Olivia's eyes watched her as Alex moved across the room, catching an edge of the curtain with an elegant finger and pulling it back slightly. The blue eyes scanned back and forth across the landscape, taking everything in.

"We have an entire mountainside and forest to explore if we get cabin fever," Olivia said, reassuringly.

Alex looked back at her, smiled at the detective. She was trying to make Alex feel more comfortable about their situation, when the blonde knew that Olivia felt just as strangely as she did about this whole thing.

It was late in the evening, the sun was just beginning to set behind the trees and Alex could feel her stomach rumble. After their adventure with Zapata the night before, Hammond had debriefed them thoroughly about the situation and made sure he had all the information he would need to make the case against the drug lord airtight. They rehashed the whole ordeal, from Alex's prohibited run early in the evening to when it was dark and freezing out in the woods where Olivia stumbled upon Alex and Zapata, where the brunette worried that Alex might make a mistake and end the drug lord's life prematurely. And Hammond had listened intently and nodded, mouth twitching slightly at Olivia's mistake, taking her eyes off Zapata for a moment and losing her weapon as a result. And then the hostage situation where Alex got lucky and shot Zapata instead of Olivia warranted a deep breath and relieved smile from the federal agent.

Several hours later, it was well into the next morning and Hammond accompanied the duo to the airport. They were stuck in the airport with Agent Hammond for most of the day, waiting around for the next flight to Denver. Finally, they said goodbye to the gruff federal agent, sweet and caring though he actually was on the inside, and boarded the plane.

In Denver, Marshal Gabrielle Serzes picked them up at the airport and drove them the short 40 mile distance to Boulder and the well-disguised U.S. Marshal's office. And now that they were here at the cabin, it seemed like forever ago that they'd eaten some fast food at the airport back in Madison.

Alex couldn't help but wonder about the fancy jet Olivia told her about flying in on, why it was that the government wasn't splurging on a simple little detour to Colorado for them. But she thought it better not to ask, not wanting to piss off Hammond any more than they already had.

"You hungry?" Alex asked as she turned from the window, satisfied that no one was watching them and took steps towards the small kitchen area. It was outfitted with a full-sized fridge and stove, though, so it would be good enough for however long they had to be here.

Olivia stood up behind her and followed her to the other side of the room. She wore the dark denims, white shirt and leather jacket she had on from the day before and Alex made a mental note to let her borrow something until they could get into town and purchase some clothes that fit.

"Starving," she said with a grin. "You can cook?"

Alex glared back at the brunette, sending her an evil look before she buried her hands in the box, rummaging around for something easy for dinner.

"Not really, if you must know."

Olivia smiled, scratched her head with one hand and leaned against the counter, watching the blonde.

"I wasn't trying to be rude. Takeout is so easy in New York. A lot of people can't cook very well."

Alex grunted as she pulled out a box of pasta and a jar of sauce. Spaghetti was easy enough.

"Are you one of those people?"

Olivia shook her head, looked offended to even be asked such a question.

"You're kidding, right? I'm good at everything. _Especially_ cooking."

Halting all movements, the blonde stared up at her companion and gave a slow, wry smile.

"Perfect. _You_ can cook dinner then, since you're so _good_ at it. I'll sit over here and watch."

A laugh bubbled up from within the brunette and she nodded, taking the box and jar from Alex.

"Okay. Wouldn't want Smokey the Bear out here because you've burned the lodge down."

Alex brushed past her, briefly taking in the detective's intoxicating scent as she passed and rolled her eyes, sitting down in the wooden dining chair. She tried not to think about the visceral response that particular smell still had on her brain.

It was almost instantaneous, the memories that flooded back, but Alex shook her head and focused on her own interlocked fingers. She needed something to do while Olivia worked in the kitchen, something to keep her eyes focused on anything except for the detective's enticing backside.

She leaned forward and pulled the box of groceries towards her and continued to look around inside, pulling items out and sorting them according to where things needed to be stored. Towards the back of the box, her hand closed around a tall, slender bottle and she pulled it out, smiling widely.

"Gabrielle is my new favorite federal marshal," Alex said, grinning widely at the bottle of merlot she held in one hand.

Olivia turned her head, focusing on what the blonde was talking about. She saw the wine bottle and smiled, and then frowned as she seemed to think of something.

"Hey, is that all it takes to win your heart? A bottle of red?"

Alex shrugged, standing up and taking a step towards the counter. She had to nudge the detective to the side to access the drawer in search of a corkscrew. Olivia's breath hitched ever so slightly as their bare forearms made contact. Her voice trembled slightly as she spoke again.

"So that's it? A new law enforcement chick waltzes in with her dark hair and her cute little accent and a bottle of wine and you're hers forever?"

Alex couldn't stop the half-smile forming at her lips at Olivia's teasing words. She was being flirtatious, and hadn't even needed the alcohol to do so and to make Alex weak at the knees.

"Maybe you should try it," Alex said as she located the gadget and set to work opening the bottle.

"Maybe I will," Olivia said, turning back to the boiling water, dumping in enough pasta for the both of them.

"Could you grab a couple glasses, please?" Alex asked as the cork popped free from the bottle and she smelled the underside of it appreciatively. It was earthy, peppery. Like a steak or a brisket in the middle of summer. It reminded her of Olivia. Bold and unapologetic.

The brunette pushed aside a few water cups and found a pair of wine glasses towards the back of the cabinet, reaching up on tiptoes to grab them. Alex caught herself too late admiring the stretch of her back, the muscles in her arms, couldn't stop her eyes from trailing down lower, admiring Olivia's other assets.

But before she knew it, the brunette had turned around and caught Alex staring. Her mouth opened comically as she tilted her head questioningly.

"Were you just checking me out?" She demanded, a smile forming on her lips.

Alex's eyes had already snapped back up to the brunette's face. She shook her head, feigning an innocent expression, staying quiet even as her skin flushed red. Olivia raised an eyebrow, set the glasses down in front of the blonde and turned back to the pasta.

…

_**Olivia**_

When it was ready, they ignored the table and sat down together on the couch, flipping on the television and Alex grabbed the remote before Olivia was settled and surfed through the channels.

"We always watch what you want to watch," Olivia complained, but she was smiling, content to have Alex in charge of the television for the rest of their lives if it meant they were able to relax together like this, no work to worry about, no revenge-driven drug lords out to kill them. Although Olivia knew she wouldn't be able to function long without working. It would bore her to death, and she knew Alex was the same way. They would have to find creative ways to pass the time during their stay here, and Olivia grinned, knowing for certain that that wouldn't be very difficult at all.

Alex glanced over at the grinning detective with a raised eyebrow. "What are you smiling about?" she asked suspiciously. Olivia wiped the smile off her face immediately, having been caught having racy thoughts about the blonde sitting next to her. "Nothing," she said quickly. Too quickly.

Alex eyed her. "Sure," she said, and Olivia ignored her, focusing on the television as she finished her meal.

After several minutes of eating together and watching in silence, Olivia set her finished plate on the coffee table and leaned back on the couch, patting her stomach appreciatively.

"Delicious," she said and Alex mirrored her actions. "Yes, it was," Alex said. "Thanks for cooking,"

"You're welcome. But I really did it for my own benefit. I didn't want you to burn the place up."

Alex rolled her eyes and ignored the detective's comment, choosing instead to sip her wine and focus on the television program. Olivia relaxed into the couch and found that her eyes were drooping, closing by themselves against her will. They hadn't slept at all the night before and the lack of it was catching up to her. A quick nap wouldn't do her any harm, so she allowed her eyes to close and drifted off.

"Liv," a soft voice whispered next to her and her eyes opened quickly, startled from her not-unpleasant dreams.

"What? What is it?" she asked and Alex laid a hand on her arm soothingly.

"Nothing," she said and Olivia focused her eyes on the now-dark room. The television was off and the only light still on was the one in the bedroom. "You fell asleep."

"For how long?" Olivia asked, rubbing her eyes and sitting up. Alex smiled, her hair wet and hanging around her face from a recent shower. "About an hour. I let you sleep, figured you were exhausted."

"An hour?" Olivia said. "I guess I was pretty tired."

Nodding, Alex stood up, offering her hand to the detective. "I am too. I think it's time for bed."

"You've already brushed your teeth and everything haven't you?" Olivia asked, smelling the toothpaste on her breath, jealous of how clean Alex must feel after having showered. Alex nodded again and double checked the front door, making sure it was locked before stepping into the bedroom and walking around to the other bed. She pulled back the covers and slid inside, smiling at the brunette. "Could you get the lights when you come back out?" she asked, laying her head down on the pillow and pulling the blanket up over her body. Olivia nodded and slipped into the bathroom.

When she came back out, showered and feeling much better, Alex was sound asleep in her bed and Olivia stood watching her for a moment, taking in her beauty and peacefulness as she rested. She sighed, happy beyond words that the blonde was here with her, even if it was in the next bed as she set her firearm on the bedside table and turned the knob on the lamp, shedding the room in darkness. Climbing into bed, Olivia took a relaxing breath and was asleep soon after her head hit the pillow.

…

_**Alex**_

"Alex, no. Alex . . . _Alex_." Olivia's voice was weak, muffled by her pillow. She flipped over and Alex could see her hand clench in the sheets. Her eyes were squeezed shut, brow furrowed and face contorted with pain.

"Please. You can't die. Alex," she continued to whisper, and her voice became inaudible, the words jumbling together as she tossed beneath the sheets. The blonde had already thrown her covers back and stepped towards Olivia's bed. She wasn't sure how to handle the situation, whether she should wake the brunette up or not, whether she should try to touch her, to console her. It might make things worse and Alex didn't want to be injured by the thrashing woman.

After her moment's contemplation, she made a decision. Olivia needed her. She sat down on the side of the bed and caught Olivia's flailing arms with her hands, bringing them down to the brunette's sides as she moved closer. The body next to her tensed in her arms, and after a moment, when Alex thought for sure the detective was about to punch her in the face, Olivia relaxed almost instantly at her calming touch, allowing herself to be pulled in and comforted in Alex's arms.

"I'm right here, Liv. It's okay," she said into the dark mess of hair, her breath fluttering the strands in the dim light. Olivia's eyes fluttered briefly open, catching a glimpse of the blonde above her and Alex could just make out the beginnings of a relieved smile before the detective slipped back off to sleep. She scooted farther down into the bed, letting one of her hands lift up from Olivia's back to pull the covers over them both, as the room was drafty at night. Replacing her hand on the brunette's body, Alex soothed the now steadily breathing woman with feather-light scratches along her back. Olivia was tucked into Alex's front, her breath tickling the side of the blonde's neck.

How wonderful and right it felt to be holding this woman in her arms, Alex thought as her eyes drifted closed and her thoughts became less coherent. As she joined Olivia in sleep, Alex couldn't help but regret all the years she'd been missing this simple yet powerful act of sleeping together.

…..

_**Olivia**_

Olivia woke the next morning, warm in her cocoon of blankets, and yet she felt as if something was missing. She cracked one eye open and blinked, getting used to the bright sun flooding through the window and looked around. Alex's bed was already made, but there was a defined indentation next to her in her own bed. The pillow was recently slept on and Olivia pulled it towards her, bringing it close to her face and taking a deep inhale. It smelled like Alex.

So that wonderful dream hadn't been a dream. It really was Alex holding her when she felt so scared, when she was sure that something bad had happened and she'd never see the blonde again. Alex had shared the bed with her and Olivia found herself wishing she wasn't now alone, and not quite as warm as she'd like to be. She sat up and stretched her back, rubbing her eyes as she looked around the small, but definitely empty bedroom.

She stepped into the bathroom and shut the door, going about her business and brushing her teeth, Olivia then washed her face and hung the towel back up on the rack. Opening the door and stepping out into the open living area, she caught a glimpse of the blonde standing in the kitchen, facing the stove. Alex must have heard her approach because without looking back, she greeted the detective.

"Good morning."

"Good morning," Olivia said, still squinting in the bright morning light. She took a moment to watch Alex, who was standing with her back now to the detective, whisking something together in a bowl, concentrating hard.

"Did we sleep in the same bed last night?" Olivia asked the question she had been mulling over since waking up, and she saw Alex's shoulders tense ever so slightly before relaxing again. The back of the blonde head nodded.

"Yes, we did," Alex said simply.

"I don't remember falling asleep with you in my bed," Olivia prodded. And Alex shrugged, still not looking back at the brunette.

"You were having a bad dream, I think," Alex responded and suddenly Olivia remembered what happened right before she was dreaming about Alex holding her protectively and making her feel safe. The slender body was sprawled out on the street again, bleeding out, body full of bullet-holes and Olivia was terrified and helpless all over again. It certainly had been a bad dream, the recurring kind of nightmare that plagued her ever since that night at the bar, and it made sense now why Alex had crawled into her bed to comfort her. But weakness was not something she admitted to easily, and she wouldn't start any time soon. A change of subject would be just right.

"What are you making over there?" Olivia asked, stepping up behind the blonde and peering over her shoulder. Alex glanced quickly behind her, surprised at Olivia's voice so close to her ear and turned back to the bowl.

"Gabrielle left us some pancake mix in her box of goodies."

"Did she?" Olivia pondered aloud, and she smiled, desperately wanting to press her mouth to the exposed column of Alex's long neck. The skin looked so inviting there, but she hesitated, not sure if the gesture would be wanted.

"She did. And you're deflecting." Olivia stiffened and took a small step back, leaning against the counter next to Alex. She should have known Alex would want to talk about it.

"I'm not deflecting," Olivia defended.

"You are. You're doing it right now."

Olivia paused. That was true. "Fine," she conceded and crossed her arms.

"You have bad dreams every night?" Alex asked, getting straight to the point. It was in her nature to dig the truth out of people. But Olivia was good at that sort of thing too, and she knew every trick in the book. The brunette shrugged, remaining neutral as Alex glanced over at her, reaching over to heat up a skillet and pour a small amount of oil in the bottom.

"You can tell me, you know. I won't judge. I have bad dreams too. All the time," Alex said simply, like it was no big deal, like reliving over and over again the worst moment of your entire life was just a walk in the park.

"What are your bad dreams about?" Olivia asked, still trying to avoid talking about what happened the night before. It was Alex's turn to shrug.

"You, mainly. I don't want you to die, and I worry about you. So, naturally, that's what I dream about." It was all so matter-of-fact, and Olivia couldn't help but wonder where this woman found her inner strength and serenity, her comfort in her own skin.

"And that's no big deal?" Olivia asked, perplexed. Alex poured a big dollop of batter into the pan and watched it as it sizzled and set up in the form of a pancake. Olivia's eyes were fixed on her every move. She sighed.

"It is a big deal, Liv. I hate having those dreams. Every night they haunt me, reminding me that you're not right there next to me in bed, that you're somewhere else, out working in a dark, horrible part of the city surrounded by rapists and murderers and there's nothing I can do about it. It's not simple, or easy. But there's nothing I can do about the nightmares. Except for last night," she paused, poking half-heartedly at the misshaped pancake.

"What was different about last night?" Alex's face was neutral, but she tilted her head to the side slightly, thinking it over for a moment.

"I didn't have any bad dreams. I knew you were safe, finally, and my dreams went away."

"All from just sleeping in the same room as me?" Olivia asked. Alex nodded, flipping the pancake over quickly. It was burned beyond being edible and the blonde groaned, tossing it frustratedly into the trash. The pan was smoking and starting to smell, and Alex crinkled her nose and waved her hand around, trying to get rid of the smoke.

"Yes. That's all it took. And then I heard you having bad dreams as well. I know what that's like. So I wanted to help you. Let you know I was safe too."

"You knew I was dreaming about you." It was more of a statement than a question, and Alex grinned, placing the skillet onto the back burner, giving up completely on the pancakes. She reached over and turned the stove off.

"You said my name. So, yes. I knew." And that made Olivia smile. It was incredible, the difference simply having the blonde's presence near her body made on her quality of sleep. Even more incredible, was how natural lying together in each other's arms felt, even after all that time.

"What have we been doing all these years?" Olivia asked, voice far away and eyes on the ground, her mind not far behind.

"What do you mean?" Alex turned to her and absently reached for the brunette's hand, turning it over in her palm and studying the lines and callouses. They were rougher and more scarred than ever before and as Olivia returned her gaze to the blonde, she couldn't help but wonder what Alex was thinking about as she studied her hand.

"You know what I mean. How have we managed to be apart all this time?"

Alex looked up, still holding on to Olivia's hand and smiled. Their eyes met and Olivia was lost in the blue depths. "I have no idea. Strong, independent women. Or something like that," Alex said.

A light laugh escaped and Olivia's eyes were drawn to Alex's mouth, subconsciously licking her own lips as she did so.

"Something like that," Olivia repeated without thinking and pushed off the counter, closing the distance between them slowly, hesitating, not wanting to mess it up. Alex waited patiently for all of one second before she reached out and grabbed hold of Olivia's neck, her other hand reaching for the brunette's hips as she pulled their bodies closer together, unable to wait any longer.

It was intoxicating. All of it. Alex's smell, the clean and uniquely wonderful scent that was all Alex and then her taste was even better. This time, this kiss, this one was slow and explorative and made up for lost time. The other kisses recently were hurried, frantic, even desperate, leaving no time to enjoy one another, to revel in the softness and the biting of teeth and the dueling of tongues. And there was plenty to enjoy of Alex Cabot. She tasted like toothpaste and pancake batter and Olivia smiled into her mouth, realizing that the blonde, like herself, was still a kid at heart, still licking the spoon, unable to wait for the mixture to cook.

The batter sat on the counter, ignored completely, which was probably better for it, because Alex might have burned the whole batch had she gotten her hands on the rest. But her hands were occupied, thankfully, winding themselves through Olivia's hair and scratching gently down her back. Flipping their positions with a well-placed foot to the side and a twist of their bodies, Olivia had Alex pinned up against the counter in no time, hands roaming up Alex's front, feeling gently over her hip bones and stomach.

Their kiss grew more heated, and Olivia wasn't sure if it was her hormones or simply her brain being overloaded with sensations that made her feel light-headed, but she was enjoying every moment of it. Especially when Alex broke apart for air and Olivia took the opportunity to continue kissing along the blonde's jawline, down to her neck, letting her lips ghost against the bare skin of the woman's throat.

Alex inclined her head slightly to the side, inviting Olivia in as the brunette trailed kisses from the blonde's pulse point down to her shoulder, reaching up with one hand to gently pull the shirt aside to continue the path. A sigh escaped Alex's lips and she closed her eyes. Olivia made her way back up the blonde's neck to her ear, unable to resist saying what was on her mind.

Her lips breathed the words into Alex's ear. "I want you."

And again, Alex took the brunette's face in her hands and pressed their lips together, eyes darkened with lust. "God, I've missed you, Liv. I'm yours." Kissing her once more, Olivia pulled back and grasped Alex's hand in her own, pulling her across the small kitchen and towards the bedroom. How they managed to keep their hands off each other the previous evening and all through the night, nevermind the cuddling, Olivia had no idea.

In the bedroom, Olivia turned as she reached the bed and found herself falling backwards as Alex pushed her shoulders. She landed on her bed and the blonde climbed on top of her, straddling her body as her hands intertwined themselves in Olivia's and pulled them above the brunette's head, pressing them into the soft blankets. And as Alex leaned in and pressed her soft mouth to Olivia's, she realized that this would never be enough. One night, one week, one kiss. None of it would ever be enough. She wanted this woman for the rest of time, for all of her tomorrows.

"I love you," Olivia whispered into Alex's mouth and the blonde pulled back, opening her eyes and staring down into Olivia's. She was frowning, but she didn't back away, didn't run. Alex stayed where she was and held the brunette's gaze.

"You love me," Alex said slowly. And Olivia nodded, lips tightly shut, afraid of what Alex might say next. She knew without a doubt that Alex wanted her, that she desired Olivia, but what about love? Was there still love between them after all this time?

"That's good, because this would be awkward if you didn't love me. I've never stopped loving you, Liv." Tears began to stab at the backs of her eyes and Olivia blinked them back. Alex went on.

"Not for one minute. I couldn't stand to be with anyone else, it never worked out with anyone else because I wished they were you. Every other relationship I've had since you was doomed from the beginning. You're the one. You always have been."

Words were a foreign thing to Olivia at that moment. None of them would form in her brain and even if they did, her mouth wouldn't have functioned to release them. But it didn't matter. Alex had said everything that needed to be said, and Olivia's eyes spoke on her behalf.

Alex pulled the brunette into a sitting position, kissing her once more before her fingers found the hem of Olivia's shirt and pulled. Her arms rose up to assist Alex in taking off her shirt, and there was nothing underneath because she had just woken up and sleeping with a bra was uncomfortable. Blue eyes roved hungrily over her skin and Olivia smiled. "Hey, my eyes are up here."

The blonde continued to look. "I see those all the time," she said with a smile and Olivia rolled her eyes, reaching over to pull off Alex's shirt as well. For the second time, she pushed Olivia back to the bed, sliding her body over the brunette's as Alex lay down on top of her. The huge expanses of skin pressed together elicited a moan and a hiss from each woman, it had been too long since they had touched each other so intimately. Already, Olivia was aching between her thighs and wishing for more contact.

She trailed both hands down Alex's sides, and the blonde squirmed, slightly ticklish and then stilled as Olivia's fingers hooked in the elastic of her shorts and pulled down, revealing even more skin to explore and rediscover. Alex helped as much as she could to get the shorts off and Olivia's cold bare feet startled her as they raised up to help push the offending clothing article the rest of the way down. Shorts off, underwear off, and Olivia was still halfway dressed. The blonde breathed in deeply as her lips trailed soft kisses down Olivia's body, not stopping at her breasts, continuing down past her belly button until she reached the waistband of the brunette's shorts. She grasped the band with both hands and quickly pulled them down and off Olivia's legs, tossing them against the wall and they slid whisper-like to the floor.

Olivia's breath caught in her throat as she leaned up on her forearms to watch the blonde head now between her thighs. Alex's eyes briefly glanced up and met her own, and they twinkled mischievously before focusing again on their prize. She leaned in and breathed in Olivia's scent, strong now with arousal and breathed back out, bathing Olivia's sensitive and slick skin with warm air. Calloused hands found their way into Alex's hair, wrapping their fingers around the blonde strands and pulling her closer to where she needed Alex the most.

And finally, Alex kissed her way around between Olivia's thighs, teasing and licking until the brunette couldn't take it anymore and tightened her grip in Alex's hair. The blonde cried out softly at the abrupt motion, but said nothing as she gave in and licked a long line from Olivia's center, gathering moisture there, up to her coiled and aching bundle of nerves. Upon initial contact, Olivia's hips jerked up involuntarily, but Alex held her down, hands pressed on either side of the brunette's hip bones as her tongue began working in a back and forth motion, gently, ever so gently, building up pressure gradually until Olivia was grinding her hips up into Alex's face. The hands pressing down on her hips could no longer hold her down as she picked up a rhythm, hurtling down the tracks like an out-of-control train.

A finger joined in the ministrations, pressing up and in and curling forward, combining with Alex's tongue to double the pleasure Olivia was feeling. Soon, a second finger joined in, thrusting in time with her tongue and after a moment, when Olivia thought she couldn't handle anything more, Alex changed her pace. She sped up, flicking her tongue maddeningly now and sucking the whole bundle into her mouth and moved her fingers circularly, still pressing up and in over and over and over and Olivia's fingers couldn't get any tighter in Alex's hair.

The out of control train that was her body tumbled towards the edge, closer and closer until she hurtled completely off the cliff, flying through the air with her eyes closed, hips up off the bed and toes curled up, every muscle in her entire body was clenched with the release of pleasure. And then wave after wave of it washed over her, and Alex urged her on with still thrusting fingers and caressing tongue and another smaller orgasm rocked her to her core. It was too much, she thought she might pass out and so she pulled the blonde up, getting some relief from the total onslaught of pleasure soaring through her system.

Alex slid up her body, kissing a line back up the same path she had gone down and finally was face-to-face with the brunette. Olivia was still breathing hard, still recovering from one of the most intense experiences of her life as she pulled Alex's face close to her own, pressing their lips together and invading Alex's mouth with her tongue. She tasted herself and moaned into the blonde's mouth.

There was no need for words as Olivia caught her breath and continued kissing Alex from beneath her, breaking free after a moment of dueling tongues to lick the blonde's neck, down farther to her chest. And she had to push Alex up until she was straddling Olivia's stomach now, so that the brunette could access lower. Her mouth found a cold-hardened nipple and closed around it, sucking hard and lashing it back and forth with her tongue. Alex cried out at the almost-rough treatment, reaching down with one hand to hold the back of Olivia's head as close as she could. Her other arm supported their weight on the bed. Her hips began thrusting, her core searched for some sort of much-needed contact.

Moving on to the other breast, Olivia treated it the same way, feeling the slick arousal building up between Alex's legs and now glistening on her own stomach as they moved together. Olivia continued her ministrations until Alex let out a frustrated groan. "Liv, I need you inside me," she said breathlessly.

She didn't have to be told twice. Olivia lay back on the bed, letting one hand trail down Alex's muscle-hardened stomach until it teased over a swollen bundle of nerves and then farther down to where she was so impossibly wet. "God, Alex," was all she could say as her fingers were instantly coated and she pushed slowly inside, filling Alex and marveling at how good it felt to be inside of this woman. All velvety and strong, clenching muscles and slick wetness. She pressed up and curled her fingers forward and watched in the still bright morning light as Alex's eyes flicked closed, face painted in pleasure.

And the blonde's hips began moving, grinding on top of Olivia's hand, getting the penetration she needed from Olivia's fingers and the contact with her clit from Olivia's palm. Alex supported herself with both hands resting on Olivia's stomach, nails digging into the skin, and her breasts looked so inviting, Olivia wished her arm wasn't occupied at the moment so she could lean up and take them into her mouth. But she was stuck on her back, with the blonde focused on finding a perfect rhythm, although with her spasmodically clenching muscles, Olivia figured she was already close.

Thrusting harder and harder as the seconds ticked past and Olivia's forearm began to ache with the exertion, Alex's face changed almost imperceptibly and the brunette sensed the impending climax. Heavy breathing and intermittent moans escaped the blonde's lips and Olivia increased her pace, pressing up with her hips as Alex ground down to reach deeper inside. And as the blonde's body began to tremble, Olivia didn't let up, she continued thrusting and watched without blinking as Alex came apart above her. She thrust once, twice and finally a hard third time and that was all it took, Alex's head dropped to her chest and Olivia felt the walls around her fingers contract rhythmically as the waves hit Alex again and again.

Before she could recover fully, Olivia sat up, holding onto Alex with one arm, steadying her against Olivia's thighs with one arm and then pushed her backwards onto the bed. The brunette climbed between her legs in one motion, keeping her fingers buried inside Alex and began, without warning, thrusting again, keeping up an onslaught of pressure inside as Alex's eyes flew open, questioning obviously, Olivia's sanity. Olivia was close again, after watching Alex come hard like she had and knew she could get Alex off again with just her fingers so close to her previous orgasm.

Alex reached up and pulled Olivia's face to her own, tongues crashing together as her hips met each of Olivia's thrusts. Pushing her hips against her own hand as she pushed up into Alex, Olivia could feel herself getting closer again. It wasn't often she was able to come multiple times in one night, or morning, as the case may be, but this day would be the exception, she already knew.

"Don't stop, Liv." Alex whispered as their lips broke apart for lack of air and Olivia could feel Alex's hot breath washing over her face as she panted from exertion.

"I won't," she said back, still pushing, still tiptoeing to the edge, ready to free fall out in the void all over again. And suddenly it hit her hard and earth-shattering as it ripped through her body. Alex was watching her face as it happened and the sight of it must have sent her tumbling off after the brunette. Her nails dug into Olivia's back, scratching deep lines into the skin and Olivia's mouth moved down to Alex's neck, licking and sucking the skin there until she found the juncture between throat and shoulder and bit down on the muscle. Alex squirmed beneath her, still riding out her orgasm and sighing into the mixed feelings of pain and pleasure.

The feeling of Alex's body, spent and satisfied beneath her was one Olivia knew she would never tire of. It felt right. And then they were lying in each other's arms, sweaty despite the cool air, and completely sated, content to just be. Finding her voice after a moment, Olivia spoke into quiet of the room.

"I know I've said this already, but what the hell have we been doing all these years?" Olivia asked, and Alex laughed aloud in the still air, not knowing the answer either, but Olivia was simply glad those years were over and they were finally where they were supposed to be.

* * *

><p><em>AN - new chapter tomorrow. Get excited!_


	36. Chapter 36

_A/N - __Next update! Again, another M chapter. Fair warning._

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><p><strong><em>Alex<em>**

Alex opened her eyes for a moment and groaned at the alarmingly bright light that accosted her. It was morning again and the blonde flexed and tried stretching her muscles, marveling at how tight and sore they felt. A whole day of strenuous activity would do that to a person, she thought with a playful smile. The body next to her stirred at her movements and they slowly untangled their limbs from one another.

"Urghh," Olivia said quietly, her voice strained. "I'm so sore."

Alex laughed aloud, reaching out and running her hand suggestively over Olivia's sheet covered backside. "It was worth it though, wasn't it?"

Turning on to her side to get a good look at the blonde, Olivia bit her lip. "It was."

"I thought so too," and Alex leaned forward, pressing a quick kiss to the detective's lips. She rolled over and tossed the sheets back, exposing Olivia's nude body in the process to the cool morning air. A sound of protest escaped the brunette's lips but died off quickly as she took in the sight of Alex's body sliding off the bed and walking to the bathroom.

"Like what you see?" Alex purred, pausing in the doorway and looking back seductively at the detective. Olivia nodded wordlessly.

"Good. You're not so bad yourself," she said appraisingly, licking her lips hungrily. "And I want you again in the shower later. After our run."

Olivia was quiet for a split second as Alex closed the bathroom door behind her and then the yell of protest Alex was expecting hit her ears.

"A run?!" Olivia cried. "I can't run. I hurt all over."

Alex remained quiet as she used the toilet and then washed her hands, grinning at her reflection in the mirror. Olivia would be just fine. A little more exercise was just what she needed to work out all that lactic acid buildup.

…..

_**Olivia**_

"Alex, I don't think this is a very good idea." Olivia said, her breath escaping and rushing back into her lungs in huge gasps. They had already run a solid mile up the mountain path Alex had found by chance, tucked away into the trees. It was secluded and challenging, and Olivia was struggling for air as they climbed higher and higher. The part of the trail they were now on was straight and led around the side of the mountain, so it was easier on even her now-aching calf muscles.

"Why not?" Alex asked, breathing normally. Olivia's eyes bugged out in her head. "I'm dying. I haven't run in ages."

"That's a terrible excuse to stop. Try again," Alex said teasingly, still jogging next to the exhausted woman.

"I'm going to pass out. Is that a good enough excuse?" Olivia wheezed. Smiling, Alex shook her head. "Sounds like you need some mouth-to-mouth,"

Olivia stopped completely and Alex had to do a double take when she realized the brunette was no longer next to her. She stopped a few steps up ahead and began walking back. Giving her a dramatic look, Olivia raised the back of her hand up to her forehead, southern belle style, and crumpled to the ground.

At first, Alex thought she was serious and had actually passed out, so the blonde sprinted the three steps it took to reach Olivia, bending down to one knee and placing her hands on the detective, one hand immediately going to her neck to check for a pulse. It was strong, racing even, and Alex looked into Olivia's face. Eyes still closed, the brunette was smiling mischievously.

"That's not funny," Alex said, thumping the brunette in the chest. Olivia flinched and opened her eyes as she sat up.

"You said mouth-to-mouth. I had to go for it," she said simply, as if there were no other options. Alex stood and extended a hand down to the detective. Olivia took it and allowed herself to be hauled to her feet. As she hopped up, Alex moved quickly, pulling the woman into her arms and planting a kiss right on Olivia's chilly lips. Their mouths moved together for a moment, tasting and exploring before they broke apart. Olivia opened her eyes and smiled, enjoying the way Alex's blue eyes looked in the morning light, even with the overcast skies and heavy snow clouds covering the sun.

"I think I'll pass out more often if you'll come to my rescue," she said and Alex grinned back at her. "Fine, but you've got leaves and twigs all over your hair. And I'm not helping you pick them out."

"Hey," Olivia said as Alex turned and began walking back down the trail to the cabin. "Alex, wait up!" But it was too late, the blonde had already started jogging again and Olivia rolled her eyes, trying to convince her legs that they would be all right and could make it the rocky mile back to the cabin without falling off. She jogged slowly after Alex, trying half-heartedly to catch up.

Back at the cabin well behind Alex, Olivia kicked off her shoes and rubbed her freezing hands together as she opened the door and stepped inside. A pair of voices reached her ears and she instantly tensed up. Glancing back out the window, she realized she had walked right by the SUV without registering its presence. Her hand twitched towards her concealed weapon, ready to pull it out if she needed to. A distracted mind was not one well-suited for awareness of her surroundings and she reprimanded herself inwardly. Thankfully, it was only Gabrielle's car and not a murdering psychopath ready to end both their lives. She released the curtain and moved farther into the room.

Alex and Gabrielle were sitting at the kitchen table, enjoying a cup of coffee and chatting as if they were old friends. Olivia felt a twinge of jealousy and knew that it was unfounded and baseless, but she didn't want any attractive women talking to Alex, ever. The possessiveness she still felt was a bit alarming, but she tried to ignore it as she walked into the small room.

"Hello, Ms. Pierce" Gabrielle said warmly and Olivia's brows furrowed in confusion before she remembered what her new name was. She and Alex had not been disciplined about using them. "We were just speaking about tonight's activities."

"Activities?" Olivia asked, glancing over at Alex who was smiling playfully. She wasn't sure what kind of activities these two had been discussing, but if it involved anything like what she and Alex had been doing the past 24 hours, Olivia wasn't feeling up to talking about it in front of Gabrielle. The Marshal had already practically walked in on them the day before, staying true to her word about checking in on them each day.

..

_The knock had sounded on the door yesterday amidst another particularly enjoyable round of foreplay and startled them both. The detective's hand flew to her weapon on the bedside table and she pulled on a t-shirt while tiptoeing towards the front door, glancing quickly through the peephole as she kept her body to the side of the door. A sigh of relief left her lungs. _

"_It's Gabrielle," she said quietly to Alex, whose eyes were wide and scared. Hearing this, Alex breathed out and closed her eyes briefly, glad to hear it wasn't someone else, someone more dangerous. The blonde had pulled on an oversized t-shirt of her own and was now tossing a pair of shorts to Olivia, which she tugged on before she opened the door and allowed Gabrielle to step inside and out of the cold. _

"_Good morning," she said brightly, looking Olivia up and down with an increasingly raised eyebrow. And her eyes traveled over to Alex, who had stepped out of the bedroom, hair tousled, and definitely looking like she'd just had sex. Gabrielle's well-trained eyes took in the whole scene and then glanced back through the still-open bedroom door, where one bed was still suspiciously made and the other was torn apart, sheets everywhere, pillows lying on the floor and blankets nowhere in sight. _

"_A _really_ good morning then," she said with a smile and Olivia rolled her eyes while Alex blushed, the red creeping up her throat to give them both away. And if Olivia wasn't mistaken, she could have sworn the Marshal looked just a little disappointed. _

"_Anyway," Gabrielle said when neither of them spoke. "Well, I just needed to poke my head in and check up on you two. Brought some more food as well. And a couple movies in case you get bored. Which, I see, is unlikely."_

..

And now they were back again the next day in a similar situation, talking hopefully not, Olivia begged inwardly, about any more sexual-themed activities. Her muscles were aching and her fingers and forearms were sore and she didn't feel much like discussing anything of the sort with Gabrielle.

"Activities?" she asked. And then Alex nodded after giving her a playful look.

"Yes, we're having a date night." It was said so matter-of-factly that Olivia could only stand there in the living room and blink. Finally, she spoke.

"We're allowed to leave the cabin?" Olivia asked incredulously. Gabrielle rolled her eyes and looked back and forth between the two of them.

"Looks like you two have already broken that rule," she said pointedly. "Did you have a nice run?" she asked Olivia and the detective got the distinct sense that they were being watched while outside, at least for part of the time. There was no way anyone could have followed them up the mountain without their knowledge.

Nodding, Olivia smiled icily back at her. "Yes, we did," she said as she stepped to the kitchen and brought down a mug from the cabinet, pouring a cup of coffee for herself. She sat down next to Alex and stared across the table at Gabrielle, unsure of where this pent up aggression and hostility was coming from. Feeling a warm hand on her sweatpants-clad thigh, Olivia glanced up at the blonde, whose eyes were gentle and reassuring and her smile was one, Olivia knew, reserved just for herself.

The Marshal cleared her throat and looked between them. "I was just telling Emily here about the different things to do in town. The orchestra is playing over at the university, so that's one thing. And there's always the movie theater."

"What about ice skating?" Olivia asked, ignoring the foreign-sounding name as she remembered driving past a rink on their journey through town. And Gabrielle nodded, shrugging her shoulders.

"Yes, ice skating too. It's cold enough now that they've opened up the rink. And," Gabrielle paused, glancing behind her out the kitchen window at the sky. "It looks like it might snow today as well. Better bundle up."

She finished the rest of her coffee and stood up, rinsing her mug out in the sink and then turned to the still-seated duo. "Thanks for the coffee. And be careful out there tonight. Remember to use your new names."

Alex nodded and Olivia simply gave a tight-lipped smile as the Marshal walked past them in the kitchen and walked out the front door, closing it gently as she left.

….

"Why are you so quiet?" Alex asked, finishing the rest of her coffee and placing the mug back down on the table. Olivia shrugged noncommittally and played half-heartedly with the handle of her cup.

"Must be cranky from lack of sleep," she said after a drawn-out silence. And Alex raised a skeptical eyebrow. But she let it go.

"Okay then. Well, now that she's gone," Alex stood up and smiled, setting their mugs in the sink, she pulled the brunette to her feet. "It's time for that shower."

Olivia's mood brightened instantly as she followed the blonde willingly to the bathroom and they stripped their clothes along the way, leaving a trail of discarded items. Alex tossed her shirt behind her haphazardly and the detective managed to duck out of the way, only to be hit with a pair of shorts right in the face a second later. Olivia wasted no time in catching up to her, reaching forward to pinch Alex hard, directly on her left cheek and the blonde squealed in protest, jumping ahead and almost falling forward into the tub.

Olivia caught her from behind, holding her up as a now fully nude Alex reached down to turn on the water, giving it a chance to warm up through the probably almost-frozen pipes. Their naked forms pressed together and Olivia closed her eyes, reveling in the feel of Alex's impossibly soft skin sliding against her own. Her hands reached around to Alex's front, caressing from her hip bones, trailing up her stomach to cup her breasts. Palms pressing and fingertips rolling the already hard nipples, Olivia's mouth found Alex's neck and set to work on it with her tongue and teeth.

Alex leaned her head to the side, granting further access and Olivia took advantage, letting her tongue lick a long line up the length of her corded neck muscle to Alex's ear where she paused and nibbled briefly on the lobe there. All the way back down to her trap muscles and shoulders Olivia's tongue went and her hands found themselves occupied around Alex's front. One hand continued to massage a pert breast while the other tangled itself between the blonde's legs, unable to wait for the cleanliness of the shower. Olivia moved her hand into the slickness, spreading moisture from Alex's center all the way up to her clit before moving back down and dipping her fingers inside, pressing up and marveling in the way the blonde gasped at the penetration.

"Fuck, Liv," Alex whispered as the brunette began thrusting, holding the blonde up with one arm while she continued working on her insides.

"I would love to," Olivia replied and she released Alex, to the blonde's vocal dismay, stepping inside the perfectly warm tub and pulling her love in next to her. Olivia dropped to her knees right away directly in front of the blonde, letting her entire body soak under the warm spray for a moment and she looked up into Alex's eyes. She saw trust, complete and absolute in the blue eyes as she leaned forward and kissed her way up the blonde's thigh to her center. She lifted one of Alex's legs and placed it on the side of the tub, giving herself plenty of room. And without hesitating, Olivia pressed her tongue in as far as it would go and Alex's hands gripped firmly in her hair, steadying herself in the slippery bathtub as Olivia repeatedly weakened her knees.

After a few more teasing strokes of her tongue, Olivia relented her unfair treatment of the blonde and moved her mouth up to Alex's clit, wrapping her lips around it and sucking gently, causing even more expletives to fall from the blonde's usually prim and proper mouth.

"Oh, right there Liv. Please don't stop," Alex cried as she pulled the brunette head closer, grinding her hips gently against Olivia's flattened tongue. Alex closed her eyes as the feelings overtook her, and Olivia watched as adrenaline and pleasure spiked through her body. Olivia's own orgasm was close, after simply watching and giving to Alex.

"Fuck." Alex's toes squeaked against the tub as they curled and then her fingers tightened painfully in Olivia's hair. Her stomach muscles rippled and contracted as she shook, the orgasm blossoming now deep in her belly and exploding in her core. And her knees finally did give out as she came, and Olivia supported her weight as she slid down into the brunette's lap, unable to stand as she shook with the aftershocks.

As Alex opened her eyes and looked at the detective, she noticed Olivia's eyes were also closed, her arms were trembling and she was breathing hard. Her own hand was still buried between her legs, drawing out her own pleasure.

"Liv, did you . . .?" and her voice trailed off as she stared at the brunette's hand. Olivia opened her eyes and took a deep breath, steadying herself as she nodded.

"Why didn't you let me-" Alex started, but Olivia leaned in and kissed her, pressing her tongue into Alex's mouth aggressively and then pulled back after a moment. She blinked the water out of her eyes and smiled.

"I couldn't wait. It was too much, seeing you come apart like that," Olivia said, still breathless. Alex grinned at her and made to stand back up. She helped the detective up and they stood together under the pulsing water and kissed once more.

"Mmm. . ." Alex moaned into Olivia's mouth and reached behind the detective for the body wash. "Let me help you with this soap."

…..

Neither of them had many clothes to choose from, but they bundled into sweaters and jeans anyway, throwing on boots and scarves and warm hats and trudged off through the ever expanding snow pile towards town before the sun went completely down behind the mountains. A mile and around 15 minutes later, they reached the ice skating rink. It was dark by then, but there were hundreds of people scattered around, most of them college kids enjoying the snow. Several snowball fights were taking place on the outskirts of the rink, and Olivia and Alex had to duck and run quickly through the middle of it to avoid being hit.

Laughing hysterically at all the kids throwing themselves behind trees and mounds of snow, the duo brushed themselves off and approached the counter where there was a line to rent skates and buy hot chocolate. They told the twenty something-year-old boy tending the cash register their shoe sizes and waited as he pulled down the appropriate pairs, totaling up the amount in the register.

"Ten bucks even," he said, his eyes glancing over them and then out to the snowfight outside, increasing in intensity. It was obvious he'd rather be having fun than standing here in the cold working. Alex forked over the cash and they each grabbed their skates, slipping a bit on the icy concrete as they walked over to the benches to put them on.

"Do you know how long it's been since I've ice skated?" Alex asked, her eyes glittering with joy under the Christmas lights merrily burning all around them.

"Probably as long as it's been for me. I haven't done this since . . ." And Olivia trailed off, remembering the night her mother had taken her ice skating at Rockefeller Center when she was around 10 or 11. How wonderful that night had been, how normal they must have looked to everyone else. Just a regular mother and her daughter out ice skating on a chilly night. The nights after that hadn't been good. But that was usually how it worked. Good nights were rare, and she cherished those memories more than anything else. And the bad nights . . . well, she didn't like to think about those.

"You okay?" Alex asked as she finished lacing up her skates, watching Olivia stare off into space. The brunette nodded her head, ridding herself of the memories and smiled.

"Yep," she said, tying a double knot on her right skate and she stood up, wobbling unathletically. "You ready?"

The blonde nodded. "Always ready, babe."

Olivia smiled at the endearment and held out her hand. Alex took it and allowed herself to be helped to her feet. They both stumbled their way onto the rink, leaving their boots behind under the bench. Their first clumsy steps out onto the ice were hesitant and wobbly, but after a few laps around the rink with their hands on the outside rail, they got the hang of it.

"Like riding a bike," Olivia commented, her breath puffing out in a steam cloud, taking a confident step forward and allowing her skate to glide to the side. She pushed her other skate out as well, taking more confident strides. But then Alex gasped as Olivia hit an upturned patch of ice and her skate turned sideways, sending the brunette toppling and sliding across the cold surface. She came to a stop when her body thumped against the rail and rolled over onto her belly, looking up as Alex slid to a halt next to her.

The blonde was trying desperately to hold in her laughter but was doing a poor job of it. "God, Liv. Are you all right?" Olivia didn't answer when she saw Alex laughing at her, she simply struggled to her feet with the aid of the rail and gave the woman a scathing look.

"Just fine. Lost my footing."

"I'll say," Alex giggled, and she just managed to duck out of the way as Olivia lunged for her. The brunette kept her footing that time and skated more confidently towards the blonde, who was laughing uncontrollably at the pursuing detective, still covered with icy flecks from her fall.

After a brief high-speed chase, Olivia caught up with her and grabbed her from behind, keeping both of them from being able to stop as they rushed towards the far rail. Alex let out an uncharacteristic high pitched scream as she ran hips-first into the rail and they both tumbled head-over-heels over the top of it, falling in a heap of limbs on the other side into a soft blanket of snow. They laid there for a moment, shocked at the fall, and then Alex shifted.

"Ouch," Alex said as she rubbed her backside and hips. "Sorry," Olivia said, but her tone defied her words as she grabbed a handful of snow and tossed it playfully onto the blonde.

"Hey!" Alex cried as she retaliated, throwing her own crude snowball at the detective, hitting her square in the forehead with it, and Olivia blinked the ice out of her eyes while Alex laughed. While she was distracted with her giggles, Olivia moved quickly, clambering on top of the blonde and kissing her firmly. No one could see them on this side of the rink, behind the hill of snow and well out of the way of the snowball fights. Alex found no reason to protest as her lips parted to let the brunette push her way inside. Their faces were cold and their lips were cold, but beneath that chilly exterior there was heat. Fiery, untamed flames danced to the surface, and Alex found herself grinding up against the detective until she remembered all at once where they were.

A very public venue was the not the place for that kind of behavior and Alex pushed Olivia gently away. "You're incredible, Liv. But we're acting like horny teenagers."

Olivia smiled and shrugged, realizing too that their behavior was bordering on inappropriate, and she slid off of Alex, climbing to her feet and helping the blond up out of the snow.

"I can't help myself." And when Alex shot her a heated look that spoke volumes about what they might do later that night, Olivia moved to the rail. "Let's keep skating for a little bit. Then we can get some hot chocolate."

"Okay," Alex agreed and watched as Olivia vaulted herself over the rail, trying to show off her coordination and athleticism and then slipped again on the icy surface, falling hard on her ass. Alex didn't even try this time to stifle her laughter as she climbed carefully over the rail, back onto the rink and set herself down gently, wobbling a bit on her skates.

"That hurt," Olivia said as she got up again and held onto the rail more firmly. "It looked like it," Alex agreed.

"I think I'll take that hot chocolate sooner rather than later," Olivia groaned, rubbing her sore rear end as she skated towards the concession stand. Shaking her head, Alex followed her slowly.

…

They sat together on the bench, sipping their warm drinks as they watched people skate past. The snow continued to fall in tiny little flakes, catching on their hats and faces and eyelashes. Olivia stared at her as she watched the snowflakes flutter past. The brunette leaned over and kissed Alex's forehead, wrapping a warm arm around her shoulders as they huddled close together.

"You're beautiful," Olivia whispered into her and Alex smiled, her heart thrilling at this woman and everything about her. She turned to the brunette and tilted her head, allowing their lips to come together for a soft, sweet kiss.

"_You_ are beautiful. Everything about you," Alex said as she pressed their lips together once more before she rested her head on Olivia's shoulder.

"Did you want to go listen to the symphony at the university tonight?" Olivia asked, and Alex thought for a moment.

"Not tonight, no. Maybe some other time. It makes me too homesick." And as Olivia rubbed circles on her back, she turned her head slightly towards Alex.

"You mean for the Philharmonic?"

Alex nodded, the wool of Olivia's coat scratching her skin softly. "Have you ever been?"

"I've lived in New York my entire life and have never been. Crazy, isn't it?" Alex gasped, surprised to hear this from the detective.

"You're kidding, right?" she asked incredulously and Olivia shook her head. "It's amazing. I can't believe you've never been."

"We'll go as soon as we get back," Olivia assured her, not exactly sounding thrilled at the prospect. It would be more for Alex's benefit than for her own. Olivia, as far as she knew, wasn't a huge fan of classical or even orchestral music for that matter.

"But it's in the summertime," Alex said, smiling up at the brunette. Olivia nodded, shrugging.

"Then we'll go as soon as it's summertime."

"You're sweet," Alex grinned and then turned her gaze back out into the blue-black horizon line. Looking out over the snow-capped trees and the dark, almost black mountains in the background, she breathed in the cool air and closed her eyes.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Olivia asked, following Alex's gaze.

"It is," Alex paused. "But you know what I really miss?"

And Olivia waited, watching the blonde as she stared out at the darkness.

"The Empire State Building. The whole skyline, really. Lady Liberty. Bridges over water."

"Mmm."

"All night diners."

"Yes, me too," Olivia agreed appreciatively.

"Hot dog stands." And at this, Olivia smiled, remembering eating hot dogs with Alex as they walked through the park near the precinct. Her stomach growled hostilely at the thought of the soft bun and tangy mustard.

"Stop, you're making me hungry."

"Court."

Olivia jerked her head up and stared at the blonde. "Court?"

Alex nodded and the brunette scrunched up her nose.

"I hate going to court."

Alex shrugged. "I'm a prosecutor. It's what I do. I put away the bad guys."

Olivia gave a half-smirk. "I miss that too."

….

_**Alex**_

Two weeks had passed, and Alex couldn't believe how quickly they had gone by. It must have been all the sleeping in until 9 or 10 each morning and running through the trails with Olivia, who to her credit, quickly regained her former running shape and stayed up with Alex effortlessly. Each day they found something new to discover in the town, whether it was tiny coffee shops or bars around the university, or little bookshops nestled in between businesses downtown. They still had no car, but everything was within walking distance, and being New Yorkers, they were used to walking everywhere. Enjoying their unprecedented amount of free time, they both felt as if it was a winter vacation away from work. But like with any vacation that drags on too long, there comes a point when home calls out to a person, and nothing sounds better than being able to sleep in your own bed and walk around in your own house, with your old names and true identities.

Careful about calling each other by the correct names anytime they were out in public, Alex found that it was difficult to keep from saying the detective's name. Instead, she had to keep quiet and only whisper it into Olivia's ear. Neither of them tried very often to use their new names at all. It was too strange, too foreign, and they both knew -well- hoped, that this arrangement would be temporary and the names would no longer be necessary. Back at the cabin, however, Alex made good use of their privacy and didn't hesitate to vocalize the brunette's name at all hours of the day and night. There was no one around them to hear, and she couldn't get enough of the way it sounded out of her mouth.

It was one snowy afternoon in early December and Olivia had gone over to the main building to ask Richard for some firewood. He happily showed her the pile out back and she carried several logs back to their cabin, tossing them into the fireplace. After a few tries, she got the fire going while Alex fixed two mugs of steaming hot chocolate. That was something she was capable of making without setting the kitchen on fire.

They sat together on the couch, enjoying each other's company and sipping their warm drinks as the fire crackled merrily on the wood. Warmth radiated off of it and they smiled together at the simple act of sitting in front of a fire trying to keep the cold away.

Feeling too warm and happy inside not to share her sentiments with Olivia, Alex set her mug on the coffee table and leaned forward to take Olivia's and set it down near her own. She bent her legs up under her and leaned forward on the couch, on her hands and knees now as she crawled slowly towards the brunette. Olivia grinned as Alex approached and let the blonde press her back into the couch, letting a breath out when their bodies contacted and pressed together.

Their mouths met, warm and chocolaty from their drinks and moved together languidly. And just as Alex was reaching up to caress other parts of the brunette's body, the landline rang out shrilly, interrupting their mood and cutting through the low sound of the fire burning in the grate.

Alex sat up, rolling off of Olivia as she ran a hand through her hair and gave the detective a questioning look. "Gabrielle, you think?"

Olivia shrugged, stood up to go answer the phone, and Alex scooted back on the couch, leaning her back against the armrest to watch Olivia pick the receiver up and place it to her ear.

"If it is, I'm going to tell her she's the biggest crotch-block I've ever met."

Alex snickered quietly, but was able to contain her laughter for long enough not to interrupt the phone conversation. Several moments passed where Olivia listened to whoever was at the other end and her face grew solemn. When she didn't make eye contact with Alex, the blonde stood up and walked over to her, worried about who it might be on the other end and what they might be saying.

"Who is it?" she whispered, her curiosity getting the better of her. Olivia didn't answer, she just kept listening, running a hand through her hair and then spoke after a moment. "So, tomorrow then?"

Closer now, Alex could hear the other person speak. It was a man's voice but his words were too muffled for her to make out. Olivia was nodding and without looking at Alex, she reached down and grasped the blonde's hand, squeezing it tightly as she continued to listen. Growing more and more worried, Alex squeezed back, wishing Olivia would look her in the eyes and give some indication to what this was about. Her thoughts went to her mother, and she prayed silently that it had nothing to do with Virginia, that she was safe wherever she was, unharmed by all of this madness recently.

"Okay, thanks for calling. We'll see you tomorrow evening then." And then Olivia hung up the phone, turning to Alex with a slightly stunned expression.

"Who was it?" Alex asked again, desperately in need of an answer now. Olivia took a deep breath and let out a relieved smile. She pulled the hands they had intertwined behind her body and grasped Alex in a crushing hug. Alex hugged her back and then pulled away, looking into the brunette's gleaming eyes.

"It was Hammond. The trial is over."

"Already?" Alex asked, although it had been two weeks and plenty of time had passed for the judicial process to take place. Olivia nodded, smiling.

"And?" Alex prodded.

"Velez fucked up. He set foot in Brazil, where the local authorities arrested him and the Marshals were there to bring him to the U.S."

"So the trial already happened. We missed the whole thing?" Alex was beyond disappointed. She wanted to witness seeing the man responsible for all of this sit on the stand and receive his punishment. Not to mention the burning need to send Zapata to prison for the rest of his life for all he had done as well.

"Alex, there was no way we could have gone to the trial. They might have tried to have us killed again."

"What about witnesses to Langan's death? Did they put Zapata away as well?" Olivia nodded.

"Elliot testified. Thank god he's all right. Kathy is going to kill me when we get back."

Alex had to take several steps back and sat down on the couch. This was a lot to take in. It was all over. And they hadn't been there for any of it. She marveled at herself, for her crazed desire to see these guys pay for what they did without a single thought to her own safety. That was part of the reason she'd been shot in the first place, not knowing when to stop pushing. She ran a hand through her hair and took a deep breath. Olivia sat down next to her, eyes full of concern.

"You okay?"

Alex nodded. "Fine. I'm just . . . I don't know. Crazy, I guess. I wanted to see him on the stand. I wanted to be the one prosecuting him."

Giving one of her half-smiles, Olivia took hold of her hand. "I wanted to see that too. But we're safe. Elliot's safe. And the bad guys are all in prison."

"And the leak? Did they figure out where it came from?"

Olivia nodded, smiling with an amazed tilt of her head. "Hammond said yes, but he didn't give specifics. He said he'd explain the whole thing when we got back to New York."

"Back to New York," Alex said, eyes wide. It was hard to believe. They knew their current arrangement wasn't long term, but it was beyond wonderful to hear that they would actually be going home. She looked back up at Olivia, wanting more information.

"What kind of sentence did Zapata get?" Alex hoped with all she had that Olivia wouldn't say a reduced sentence, that there would be no chance of that bastard seeing the outside world again in this lifetime.

"They took the death penalty off the table. He must have had some information about the leak. Life in prison for murdering a defense attorney and attempted murder of an NYPD detective."

"What about my attempted murder?" Alex asked, and Olivia shrugged, expression still amazed.

"They got him for that as well. Word got out about you being alive and in witness protection at the trial, and Elliot testified about that shooting too."

"But we didn't see the shooter," the blonde said, eyebrows furrowed. "Zapata was in lockup when the shooting happened."

"Zapata flipped on the hired hit man. They flipped on each other is probably a more accurate description. They caught the shooter, matched the gun and bullets to another murder, and he was quick to reveal who had ordered the hit. So Zapata got the blame for conspiracy to commit murder."

"Wow. So it's over. It's really over." Alex said, amazed at everything that had happened. All threats to their life had been taken away.

The brunette smiled, but then Alex looked down at her hands. "You know we've only cut off the Hydra's head here," she said, her voice low. Olivia stared at her, raising an eyebrow. "You mean the thing that grows two heads when you cut one off?"

"Yes. There are plenty more drug lords out there to replace Velez and Zapata."

But Olivia smiled, pulled Alex's arm up and wrapped it around her neck, bringing them closer together. "You're right. But at least the new guys won't be out for personal revenge against Alex Cabot."

Alex smiled. "And all the people she loves."

"Yes. That too."

"And we go back tomorrow?" Olivia nodded and grinned at the blonde.

"That's too far away," Alex said and Olivia agreed. "It is. But I'm sure we can find some way to pass the time."

Sighing in relief, Alex pulled the detective towards her, moaning into Olivia's mouth as they pressed together once again, this time with no interruptions.

…..

Gabrielle drove them to the airport the next day. Alex sat in the front see with her and Olivia resigned herself to the back, trying not to sulk as she watched the Marshal smile and flirt with Alex. But the drive didn't last long, and before she knew it, they were pulling up to the airport and waving goodbye to the woman.

"She was nice," Alex said, turning to watch Gabrielle leave the terminal and walk back to her car. Olivia nodded noncommittally but said nothing. Alex turned back to her and eyed her.

"You didn't think so?"

Shaking her head, Olivia stepped up to the ticket taker and was happy to show her actual I.D. and badge to the woman, pleased that someone other than Alex was calling her by her real name again. When she received her boarding pass and checked their single bag after Olivia had declared her unloaded firearm inside, she stepped aside and let Alex have her turn.

They walked together towards security and Alex was still frowning. "Are you going to be jealous like this for the rest of our lives?"

Olivia looked at her, grinning. "You bet your sweet ass I am. You're mine, Alex Cabot."

Alex rolled her eyes as they took off their shoes and stepped up to the metal detectors.

…

_Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far. I love hearing what you think. _


	37. Chapter 37

_A/N –This one is looooong. And I dunno, I keep coming up with a few more ideas for wrapping up this fic, so I don't know how many more chapters there are going to be. A couple more, just to be vague. Hope you enjoy. It's alternately fluffy and smutty. Whoops. You have been thoroughly warned._

* * *

><p>"Look who's here," Olivia said, nudging Alex on the arm as the turned the corner, skirting around bustling flyers rushing to their gates or to the baggage claim. Alex scanned the crowd, looking for a familiar face and then she saw him. His face looked a little more haggard than usual, and his already thinning hairline might have receded an inch more. But other than that, it was the same old Elliot, grinning widely at them and looking absolutely thrilled to see them. It was nice to have a welcome like that.<p>

Olivia got to him first as they left the security barrier and stepped into his arm. He was as burly and strong as ever, and it was rare that Olivia allowed herself to show that kind of physical contact with anyone. To be the tough female detective, it was best to rarely show emotion or vulnerability.

"Where the hell have they been keeping you?" Elliot asked, squeezing his partner tightly. They let go after a moment and smiled at each other, and then Elliot looked over at Alex, his smiled never faltering as he moved towards her, enveloping the blonde in a hug as forceful and sincere as Olivia's.

"Too damn far away, that's where," Olivia said, beaming at Elliot as he stepped back from Alex, allowing himself an appraising look at the couple.

"Something's different about you two," Elliot said slowly, his eyes moving back and forth between them. And then the light blue orbs lit up. "I know! You two figured it all out, didn't you?"

Olivia stared at him, eyebrows raised without saying anything and then looked over at Alex. The blonde was also staring at Elliot, mouth open. Letting out a light laugh, Olivia shook her head disbelievingly. "That took you all of ten seconds."

"I'm pretty damn good, aren't I?" His shit-eating grin was too much. Alex rolled her eyes.

"Too good. And too big for your own britches, apparently," Alex said, making Elliot laugh loudly as he turned and walked towards the airport's outside door. They walked with him to the baggage claim where he offered to carry Alex's checked bag. Olivia shook her head and nodded her head to his shoulder.

"I don't think so," Olivia said. "Kathy will really have something to say to me if I let you strain yourself over a stupid little bag."

"Suit yourself," he said, leaving the bag for the stubborn detective and walking with Alex towards the car. Olivia rolled her eyes, glad that the same old Elliot was here waiting for her.

….

"So I was thinking," Elliot started, rubbing his hand along his close-cropped hair. "Since it's the weekend and everything, I thought it would be fun to have a little get-together tomorrow night. A little. . . welcome home celebration."

Olivia was bending over to set the suitcase down near Alex's bedroom. And she looked up as Elliot finished speaking, making brief eye contact with the blonde. Alex shrugged, gave her an encouraging smile and set to work again on straightening up her kitchen.

"That sounds good, Elliot."

"You two feel up to it?" He looked worried, thinking that they would say no and rather spend more time alone. But two solid weeks without seeing anyone they knew on a first-name basis aside from Gabrielle was a bit much.

"Of course we do," Alex said as she stacked up a few plates with a clanking sound in the sink. "I haven't seen anybody but Liv here and all kinds of federal marshals in the past three weeks."

"I'm not enough for you?" Olivia asked, her tone playfully indignant. Alex shrugged her shoulders, glancing over at Elliot, who was dutifully looking elsewhere.

"Anyway," Elliot interrupted, not wanting the situation to grow awkward with him around. "I'm glad you said yes because I already invited Munch and Fin. And your mother."

"You did?" Alex asked, taken aback by the statement as she turned off the water quickly to cross the kitchen and listen to Elliot more fully. He nodded.

"She'll be in town tomorrow, actually. Your Uncle Bill is driving down with her if you want to go see her."

"She's out of protection too?"

Elliot nodded again. "Yep. They had her up in Baltimore."

"Baltimore?" Alex asked, eyes wide. It was one thing for her mother to be semi-alone in upstate New York, but quite another thing for her to be completely by herself in a different state.

"And she knows I'm alive?"

His eyes lit up as he smiled. "Sure does. As soon as the trial was over, we called her and told her. Thought she passed out on the phone."

"God, my poor mother. I can't wait to see her." Her throat constricted in that way that almost crying tends to do as she pictured her mother by herself in a house that was not her own, crying tears of happiness and relief that her daughter was alive and well, and had been hiding all along in witness protection.

"So where is this party going to be?" Olivia asked. She was leaning against the wall, arms crossed, smiling at Alex.

Elliot shrugged, taking notice of the puppy dog look the detective seemed to constantly wear for the blonde. "I was thinking at my house, up in Queens. Didn't know if you'd feel like hosting. Would you rather have it here?"

Olivia smiled, looked around at the still-impeccable apartment and then back at Alex who was still busy cleaning what already looked perfectly acceptable. Spotless by her standards.

"You want to have it here, Alex?" Olivia asked. Alex looked up from wiping down the countertop and then glanced around.

"Sure," she said. "Why not? I haven't really christened the place with a good party anyway."

"You haven't?" Elliot asked disbelievingly. "And how long have you had this place now?"

Alex paused, looking up as she thought back. "I don't know, almost three years now I guess."  
>She shrugged, looking a little ashamed. "I haven't had much time for entertaining."<p>

Olivia grinned at her. "I've never had a party at my place either, if it makes you feel any better."

It made Alex smile and then Elliot rubbed his hands together, moving towards the door.

"Me neither. If you don't count football games where I've invited some of the squad over. Anyway. I've gotta get to work. Liv, you need a ride back to your place?"

Olivia immediately glanced at Alex, who stared back at her, her eyes speaking volumes. They pled with Olivia: don't go. So she turned back to Elliot.

"I'll stay here tonight. But thanks, El."

He nodded, looking between them with a smile. "All right. See you two tomorrow then. Glad you lovebirds worked it all out."

"Shut up, El." Olivia muttered as he hurried to shut the door behind him before she could find something to throw his way.

"Thank you for staying with me tonight," Alex said, her voice low as she nuzzled her head into Olivia's neck. She could feel the brunette smile next to her cheek.

"You didn't think I'd leave you here alone, did you?"

Alex looked up at her. "I hope not. I hope you never leave me alone."

Olivia's eyes were dark, intense. "I don't plan to."

"Come on," Alex said, stepping back from the detective and taking her hand. They walked the short distance to Alex's room and into the bathroom, where Alex released Olivia and turned to twist the knobs above the bathtub, letting steaming water gush out into the bottom and slowly begin to fill it. She leaned over, feeling Olivia's eyes on her as she did so and squeezed a few drops of bubble bath into the water, letting its aroma mingle with the steam and begin to fill the bathroom.

"Bath time?" Olivia said jokingly. Alex nodded and around to face the detective, reaching to her shirt and pulling it in one fluid motion over her head. It hit the floor with a whisper as she moved forward and mirrored her action with Olivia's shirt. And after she had tossed it atop her own, Alex moved closer, pressing their bodies together against the sink.

Olivia moaned into a long neck as Alex's hands trailed along her back, reaching up to unclasp her bra and pulling gently on the straps as they slid free, revealing Olivia's chest to the bathroom's open air. Her nipples stiffened and stood firmly from the chill and Alex's hands wasted no time in reaching up to grasp them both, feeling their fullness and weight in both hands. Fingertips rolled gently over the nipples, pinching them more firmly and then Alex felt her belly and even lower flush with pleasure as wetness soaked through her underwear at the sound of Olivia's breath catching.

"God, Alex."

And Alex responded, her mouth moving down to open and close along Olivia's darker-skinned neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses down to her collar bone where she hesitated, contemplating going down farther before she went back up to the brunette's ear, taking the lobe between her teeth and biting down gently. Alex's tongue snaked its way out and around the detective's ear and she squirmed in pleasure at the onslaught, her own hands finding purchase on Alex's backside, pulling firmly so that their lower bodies were pressed tightly together.

"This should have happened that night you fixed up my hand," Olivia husked. Alex seemed to ignore her for a moment, continuing her ministrations before she eventually looked up, their eyes meeting in the ever-growing steamy light.

"One kiss wasn't enough for you?" Alex asked, playful written all over her face.

"Of course not. I wanted you that night."

"And then I said no," Alex said, her eyes looking down for the briefest of glances as she remembered that night before they trailed back up. Olivia nodded.

"You were worried about our jobs."

"Yes," Alex said. "But I'm not anymore."

Olivia's brows furrowed, her eyes questioning the blonde. "What about when we both go back to work?"

Alex shrugged, her expression revealing that she didn't much give a damn about that. "We'll figure something out. But Liv," she paused, reaching up to cup the brunette's face with her hands. "Almost dying several times does something to a person."

"I know," Olivia replied, smiling with the shared knowledge. "I feel the same way."

"I want to be a lawyer, a prosecutor, still. And I know you love your job. So we'll figure something out," she said again, smiling at Olivia. "But it doesn't matter, in the long run. As long as I have you, alive and breathing, nothing else matters."

Olivia grinned widely at her, pulling her forward for a searing kiss. After a moment of soul-searching and exploration within each other's mouths, they pulled apart. "Who knew you were so romantic?" Olivia joked and Alex smiled, arching one eyebrow.

"You do crazy things to me, Olivia Benson." And then Olivia moved quickly, pushing Alex back a step and got to work on removing all offending and hindering items of clothing, anything that kept her separate from the blonde's naked flesh for a minute longer.

A moment later they were both stripped, devoid of barriers and flush against one another. Alex kissed the plump lips before her once more, and then she turned and pulled Olivia into the tub, hissing quietly as they sat down together in the piping hot water. Alex sat with her back against the porcelain and Olivia reclined against her, leaning her head back against the blonde's shoulder, relaxing her plane-stiffened muscles.

"Mmm," Olivia said, running her hands along Alex's spread knees and down to her calves, squeezing gently and massaging away tension there in the muscles. And Alex repaid her in kind, wrapping her hands beneath the brunette's arms and reaching around to her breasts, continuing her earlier ministrations. Her hands found nipples already hard and straining against the bubbly water, and she rolled her fingers around them, teasing and pulling and Olivia pressed back against her in response.

Alex found a place for her mouth along the brunette's shoulder, kissing gently and then progressing into a soft bite. She increased the pressure until Olivia hissed, either from pain or pleasure she wasn't sure, and then soothed the area with her tongue. Her mouth moved along the detective's neck, up the column slowly and then to her ear where she whispered breathily. "I want to be inside you."

Olivia nodded, the only response she could manage at the moment, as her body was so ready and willing, the water be damned, she was still soaked with her own juices. And Alex's hands blazed a trail down Olivia's stomach, one immediately finding a swollen clit and the other going farther down, reaching in between the brunette's spread legs to work fingers into a ready entrance. Olivia thrust upwards into the blonde's hand, needing some sort of friction to ease her need, her burning craving for friction. And Alex gave her what she wanted, beginning a slow circular rhythm there as her other hand pressed its fingers in and up, curling back and almost pulling Olivia up out of the water.

"God," Olivia husked as the pressure in both places increased. Alex kept up her ministrations, thrusting in with her right hand, in and out, over and over. And her left hand was its own separate entity, driving Olivia to the edge with its circles. Olivia thrust up with her hips, pushing her own need and urging Alex on. "Don't stop."

And Alex didn't. She pressed harder, thrust in farther and placed her mouth again on Olivia's neck, leaving small bites all along it down to her shoulder and suddenly the brunette froze. Her walls closed in on Alex's fingers, squeezing tightly for a brief moment before they relaxed again and then gave gentle pulsating contractions. The muscles in her back and neck slowly constricted and then released their pressure as the detective came down from her high.

Finally, Olivia took in a deep breath, her fingers digging deep impressions into Alex's calves, and her entire body relaxed, leaning back against the blonde. Her head fell back against Alex's shoulder and she glanced over her shoulder at the blonde's smirking expression.

"You are incredible," Olivia breathed. Alex nodded arrogantly. "I know."

"And cocky," Olivia added, causing the blonde to grin. Her smile turned into a wide-eyed look of surprise when the brunette flipped over in the tub, sloshing a small wave of water out onto the tile. Her hands supported her weight on either side of Alex and she pressed her pelvic bone down in between Alex's spread legs, grinding hard.

"Shit," was the only thing Alex could think of to say. And it was a long and drawn out word, the type whose tone and origin is evident right away. Leaning in to nip along the blonde's skin, Olivia's hand snaked up and in between them, wasting no time in finding its destination. Fingers pressed up and in and Alex's head fell back against the tub's ledge, mouth open in ecstasy.

Again and again she thrust in, her palm making solid but gentle contact with Alex's clit as she pushed. It wasn't long before Alex was gripping her forearm with one hand, the other hand wrapped around her neck, squeezing for all she was worth. Her eyes were locked onto Olivia's as she drew closer, and finally she thrust up against the hand and came. As her body convulsed slightly, her eyes shut reflexively and Olivia continued pushing gently, helping Alex to come back down.

When Alex relinquished her vice-like grip on the detective's wrist, she sighed, relaxing her body back against the tub. "Mmmm," her moan originated from deep in her chest. "I can't move my arms, Liv. You've rendered me useless."

"Oh really?" Olivia asked, a playful grin teasing the corners of her mouth. "So who's the incredible one now?"

Alex sighed again, allowing her arms to flop onto the sides of the tub. "I'm not sure. I'll let you know after you've washed my hair."

Narrowing her eyes at the now laughing blonde, Olivia sent a wave of bubbles and soapy water her way.

The next morning was Saturday. The body heat next to her was warm, almost too warm. Olivia sat up gingerly, leaned onto one elbow and peered over the blonde's shoulder. She had taken the big spoon position in the night and the feel of Alex's body melded to her front was something she missed about them being together. Seeming to sense Olivia's roused presence over her, Alex stirred, cracking one eye open and squinted at the brunette.

"Are you watching me?" Alex asked, her voice raspy from sleep. Olivia leaned down and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"Yes. You're beautiful."

"You're sweet. Were you going to make coffee?"

Olivia grinned, kissing her once more and then rolled off the bed, setting her feet firmly on the ground. "For you? Yes."

…...

Onions and mushrooms released mouthwatering aromas as the vegetables hit the pan, and Olivia sniffed appreciatively, shaking it around a bit with a spatula. She shifted on her bare feet, the tile in Alex's kitchen cold and hard. The beaten eggs sizzled and bubbled up when she poured them into the mix. Turning down the heat and folding it gently over after she'd sprinkled a bit of cheese on top, she slid it out onto the plate, its matching copy sat steaming and enticing next to it.

A slow shuffle reached her ears and Olivia turned her head, glancing back to the sound and saw Alex walking forward, her toothbrush in mouth and still sleepy-eyed. "Hungry?" Olivia asked as Alex drew closer, stepping up to the brunette and hugging her from behind, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder to watch while she worked.

"Yes. I need energy after last night." And Olivia gave a low chuckle, turning her head to catch Alex on the cheek, a brief kiss.

"I'm sorry I kept you up."

Alex shook her head and released the brunette, allowing her to take the plates over to the table. "I'm not complaining," Alex said, leaning over to spit out her toothpaste and she ran her brush through the water and set it down next to the sink.

"Good," Olivia gave a half-smirk. "Because if I have the choice between sex like last night's and sleep, I don't plan on getting much rest for the duration of our lives."

Chuckling to herself, Alex poured them each a mug of coffee, fixing Olivia's the way she liked it and then she sat down next to the brunette at the table. They ate their omelets slowly, appreciating the flavors and the simple joy of eating within a familiar place. It was still unreal to be there at all, sitting and eating, after everything that had happened the past few weeks.

"This is really good, Liv." Alex commented as she swallowed her next to last bite, washing it down with a glass of orange juice. "But orange juice tastes weird after having just brushed my teeth."

Olivia nodded and smiled. "Thanks. Glad you like it. And I guess I could have warned you that I wanted to make breakfast before you brushed."

"It's better than my pancakes, I can tell you that much."

The brunette let out a laugh, her eyes sparkling at the memory of the failed breakfast that led to a definite success for them relationship-wise. "Where did you get all this food, though? I haven't had anything in my fridge since before I was shot."

Olivia cringed slightly at the blasé tone Alex used to describe that particular event, but she let it go, not wanting to bring up what had been the worst night of her life. "You had some pretty rotten stuff in there, so I threw all that out and ran down to your corner grocery store."

Alex opened her mouth in an "Ah" shape and scraped up the rest of her omelet, placed it neatly into her mouth and chewed slowly. "Thanks for that. And for the coffee too."

Smiling as she sipped from her own mug, Olivia shrugged. "Can't function without it, can we?"

"Doesn't look like it."

There was a minute or so of silence, in which Olivia was still eating and Alex was enjoying her coffee, and then Olivia changed the subject.

"So, you're going to see your mother?"

Alex nodded, glancing down at her watch. "Yes. Elliot said she was staying at the Ritz-Carlton. I'll catch a cab over there and surprise her before she ventures out for the day."

"Okay. I guess I'll go over to my apartment and see what kind of wreck it is. Maybe shop for some food and drinks for tonight?"

Alex nodded and stood up, gathering up both their plates and glasses and took them over to the sink. She flipped on the water and rinsed them out, placing them neatly into the dishwasher.

"What are we having?" Alex asked, sounding eager already for more of Olivia's cooking.

"I figured we could just do appetizers or something easy. And wine, of course."

Alex nodded in agreement. "And beer?"

"Yes, that too," said Olivia. Pushing off the counter, Alex strode purposefully over to Olivia and kissed her on top of her head once, and then paused before leaning farther down to kiss her again on the cheek. Olivia turned her head and met Alex halfway, their lips brushed together softly and Alex's hand wandered onto the brunette's shoulder and lower still until Olivia moaned lightly into their joined lips.

"I'll never see my mother again, at this rate," Alex said with a smile as she pulled away. Olivia smiled too, and then scratched her head as Alex retreated to the bedroom. That very easily could have been the case. But they had been lucky, both of them, not to have been killed.

"You'd better get dressed then," Olivia said, standing up and following the blonde. She stopped suddenly in the doorway and Olivia almost ran into her.

"Liv," she said suddenly, her expression serious. "Are you going to bring clothes from your place over here?"

Tilting her head and shrugging innocently at the blonde, Olivia reached down and held both her hands. "Is that what you want?"

Alex nodded, eyes solemn. "It doesn't have to be a move-in type of thing. But just for now, please stay with me?"

"Okay," Olivia said. It was an easy decision. They were better sleeping together. "I'd love to."

Smiling and releasing their joined hands with a squeeze, Alex turned around again, a satisfied woman on a mission. "Good."

Wallet twenty dollars lighter from a discreet tip to a reluctant front desk clerk, Alex was on her way. Stepping out into the hall, Alex felt a strange sense of anxiety about seeing her mother. Nervous because she feared the unknown, Alex was unsure how her mother would react to the hopefully happy news that she and Olivia were back together. But more than that, she was overwhelmingly excited to be mere feet away from the person she'd missed the most while in Colorado.

She swallowed her unease and rapped three times on the door, and after a moment's pause in which Alex saw the peephole darken, the door swung open. In a rush, and before she got even the briefest of looks at her mother, Alex was enveloped in a crushing hug. For around fifteen solid seconds, Alex couldn't breathe, and she could feel Virginia sobbing quietly though their hug.

"My baby," Virginia murmured into Alex's shoulder. She seemed shorter than Alex remembered and finally the older woman relented, slackening her hold slightly on her daughter. They stepped back from one another and Alex got a good look at her. Virginia kept a solid grip on her arms, unwilling to let her go so quickly. Her face was more lined and the furrow between her brows had deepened significantly. She must have been incredibly stressed over the short period she thought her daughter was dead.

"I've missed you," Alex said simply and it was the truest thing she'd ever said to her mother. Virginia was still crying silently, tears dripping from her face. "I've missed you too, dear," Virginia said, reaching up to wipe the moisture from her eyes. "I think I must have been on a roller coaster this past week."

"I'm sure you were. I heard Elliot called you?"

She nodded. "He did. It was the strangest thing. I sat there in bed, not my bed mind you, in Baltimore of all places. I hadn't been out of that bed in two days. I was so upset, Alexandra, it was the worst thing I'd ever been through, even worse than your father." And here she had to wipe her eyes again, all those emotions resurfacing and wreaking havoc on the woman. Alex nodded, and led them inside the room, shutting the heavy door behind them.

"And out of the blue, Detective Stabler called and asked if I was sitting down," she gave a derisive laugh. "Like I said, I hadn't been out of bed in a while and I told him as much. He said 'good' and then he was telling me things that didn't make sense. You were actually alive and had been in witness protection like me all along and I just couldn't believe it.

"I couldn't believe it either," Alex said. "When I woke up in the hospital and they told me I was officially dead. It was surreal."

Virginia's face crumpled again. "My poor baby, Alexandra. You had to face all that by yourself. And you were shot! Does it still hurt?" her eyes went to Alex's shoulder and the younger woman shrugged.

"I still aches at night mainly, but most of the time it's not bad."

"That's good, dear."

"And mother," Alex started, finding the opportunity to segue into the next topic. "You know I wasn't alone the entire time, right?"

Virginia sat down at the small table, motioning for Alex to sit across from her. "That's what Detective Stabler said. How is Olivia?"

The mention of the detectives' name so casually and without a trace of hesitation or distaste caught Alex off guard. "She's uh . . . she's fine. Wonderful, actually."

"I'm glad to hear that, darling. She was so upset, understandably, when we got the news that you had been . . ." she paused, shaking her head at her inability to finish the sentence. "And was still incredibly supportive and comforting."

Alex's eyes grew wide. She hadn't thought about the possible meeting between her mother and Olivia, and then realized that the only person Virginia knew in Alex's workplace was Olivia, and that it made sense for them, strange as it was, to find comfort in one another. They had probably sat next to each other at the funeral. That thought made Alex's heart hurt, imagining both of them dressed in black in the front row of a church she had never attended, crying over her eulogy and empty casket.

"Yes. Olivia's good at that sort of thing. Comforting and consoling, I mean."

Virginia's head moved in agreement, voicing Alex's thoughts. "Your funeral was particularly difficult."

The younger woman swallowed. It must have been. Having to bury your only child was something no mother should have to experience. She swallowed again and steadied herself to break the news to her mother, although the woman had only positive things to say about Olivia so far.

"Mother, there's something I have to tell you about me and Olivia."

Virginia watched her, eyes locked onto Alex's. Her expression gave nothing away, but Alex could sense, somehow, that she already knew what was coming.

"We're together now. We've finally gotten over everything that's happened in the past and have decided to give it another try."

The older woman was quiet for a moment and Alex began to panic, the same old nervousness overtaking her and reminding her of those bumpy teenage years. And then finally, Virginia spoke. That deepened furrow between her brows conveyed her interest and concern with Alex's answer.

"Are you happy? With Olivia, I mean. Does she make you happy?"

Alex nodded, a relieved smile breaking out on her face. "She does. Happier than I've ever been."

"As happy as your father made me?" And Alex smiled sadly at the thought of him, making sure Virginia had everything she wanted or needed and always had a kind word for her. She nodded again.

"Yes," she said simply.

Virginia clasped her hands together and took in a breath. "That's settled then. I'm happy for you. Now when will I get grandchildren?"

Her voice caught in her throat, almost choking her at this question. It certainly had not been what she expected, and she burst out in laughter. Her mother stared at her quizzically, wondering what she'd said that was so funny.

"That was a big jump, mother. We just got together. And you want grandchildren already?"

The older woman shrugged, a gesture that was unlike her. "You are my only child. And what else am I going to do with my retirement aside from spoil your children rotten? I will ruin them completely."

Her smile was contagious and Alex laughed again, indulging her mother for a moment.

"I'll talk to Olivia about it. We'll see what she says."

* * *

><p>A key turned in the lock and Olivia started. She reached immediately for her gun on the counter and held it at her side, clenching it tightly as she waited for whoever it was to come inside. A blonde head poked its way in and she relaxed, realizing that it was only Alex. But one could never be too careful. Alex's eyes trailed down to the detective's gun as she stepped inside and shut the door behind her.<p>

"Expecting someone else?" Alex asked with a raised eyebrow, placing her keys and bag on the side table near the door. Olivia shook her head, placing her gun back onto the counter, back and out of the way.

"Only being careful," Olivia murmured, stepping back to the pot on the stove. Alex sniffed appreciatively.

"It smells heavenly," Alex said, walking over to Olivia and pressing a quick kiss to her lips, tasting something spicy and delicious on them. "What are you making?"

Olivia gave the mix a stir. "White chicken chili. And cornbread."

Alex gave a groan, leaning over the pot and smelling it deeply. "That sounds so good. I can't wait."

"You want to try it?"

Alex nodded, and Olivia picked up a spoon, dipping it into the pot and bringing out a spoonful for the blonde. She blew on it and held it up to Alex, who opened her mouth and allowed Olivia to place it in her mouth. It was hot, but not terribly so, and Alex waved her hand around a bit, trying to get it to cool off before she could chew and swallow. But when she did so, she closed her eyes, savoring the flavors.

"Delicious."

"Thanks."

Olivia set the heat to low and turned to Alex. "There are drinks in the fridge. Want to sit on the couch?"

Alex nodded and moved to the refrigerator, pulling out two beers, handed one to Olivia and led her to the couch, where they both sat down side by side. Olivia gave a sigh and turned to the blonde, flipping the cap off her beer and sitting back.

"So . . ." Olivia started, taking a quick drink. "How's your mom?"

Alex smiled, the light reaching her eyes. "She's doing well. She was surprised, of course, but happy. And I was happy to see her."

"Good," Olivia said. "And she's coming later?"

Nodding, Alex took a drink. "Yes. It'll be good for her to be in a social setting again. That'll be good for us too."

The brunette smiled and shrugged. "I didn't mind being alone with you."

Alex reached over and pinched her thigh gently. "Me neither," and she paused before adding on.

"I told her about us."

Olivia took in a breath, eyes wide as she watched Alex's face. "How did that go?"

Shrugging, Alex smiled. "Surprisingly well. It seems you had a positive effect on her."

"You know me," Olivia flipped her short hair dramatically. "Always the charmer."

"You really are, though," Alex insisted. "She's happy for us. Oh, and by the way, you'll never guess who called me as I was leaving the hotel."

"Should I start guessing now or are you going to just tell me?" Olivia asked with a grin.

"I'll just tell you. Abbie Carmichael, believe it or not."

Alex's expression was neutral, like it didn't mean a thing to her, but Olivia couldn't help remembering the intense feelings of jealousy at seeing the lanky Texan's hands all over Alex after her graduation. Granted, she and Abbie had worked out their differences when they worked together a few years back at SVU, but that didn't change the past, now that Alex was back in her life.

"What did she have to say?" Olivia asked, trying to keep her expression as impartial as her companion's. Alex shrugged.

"She told me about how she heard everything on the news, was torn up about it, me being shot and all. And that she went to Zapata's trial, her boss was prosecuting him actually. She said she talked to Elliot about us and he said to give me a call, that you and I were okay."

"Wow," Olivia said simply. "So you invited her tonight?"

Alex stared at her. "Yes, I did."

"Okay."

"Just okay?"

"Yes. It's fine with me. Abbie and I are friends."

Frowning, Alex took another drink from her beer. "Really?"

Olivia nodded. "We worked together before you became our permanent ADA, before she went to work for the feds."

"That's good. So you don't care that she's coming over?"

Olivia shook her head, ignoring the unease that accompanied thinking about Abbie being here in Alex's apartment. She put on a brave face. "You're mine now. Nobody else's."

And the grin that overtook Alex's face was a bright one. "I am. You're right."

As they sat in silence, each occupied with their own thoughts, Olivia's traveled back to their conversations in Colorado. They had talked about why things hadn't worked out with their past flames, and both Leigh and Abbie were discussed thoroughly. They had discussed Olivia's previous relationships and what had gone wrong. Leigh and her partying, downhill spiral and controlling nature. And Alex explained what happened with Abbie, that she felt horrible about leading the woman on when they didn't share the same feelings. That Abbie was in love with her even though she knew Alex still had feelings for Olivia.

But Olivia smiled as she thought back to the cases she had worked with Abbie her first years at SVU. The Texan was hard-headed and staunchly conservative, sure, but she was hilarious and fun. She was passionate about what she did. And hearing Alex describe how bad she felt about having to end things with Abbie made Olivia less hostile to the thought of Alex and Abbie speaking again. Olivia decided inwardly to make up her mind about Abbie when the time came, when the lanky brunette was actually standing here and interacting with them both.

"So, what time is everyone supposed to get here?" Alex asked, her eyes finding Olivia's face, watching it as her thoughts tumbled around in her mind.

Olivia looked down at her watch. "Pretty soon now. Maybe thirty minutes or so."

Alex sat up, looking around the apartment. "Should I clean something?"

A hand reached out to grasp her arm, to pull her back down to the couch. "No. Just sit here and relax with me. Your apartment is flawless as usual."

"As usual? How many times have you been here?" Alex joked, eyebrow raised. Olivia shrugged her shoulders.

"You're usually flawless. So, I'd just be guessing here, but I'll go ahead and say that your apartment is rarely messy."

With a grin, Alex nudged Olivia with an elbow. "You'd be guessing correctly then."

Olivia watched her for a moment and then moved quickly, closing the distance between them and pressing her lips to Alex's. She responded immediately, opening her mouth and allowing Olivia entrance.

"Plenty of time before anyone gets here," Olivia murmured, her mouth moving down to Alex's throat, one of her lips' favorite places to be.

"Mmm, yes." Alex agreed, setting her beer down on the coffee table and doing the same with Olivia's. She pulled the detective to her, lying back on the couch, and Olivia followed, moving up the blonde's body to latch her lips again to Alex's neck, sucking briefly there.

And then a knock sounded on the door, loud and unwelcome. Olivia jumped slightly at the intrusion and then composed herself, throwing her leg over the side of the couch and standing up. She reached out a hand to Alex, to pull her up as well.

"Don't you hate when people are early to things like this?" Olivia asked and smiled at the disappointed look on the blonde's face. Now that they were both hot and bothered, they would have to cool down in order to entertain their guests. They walked together to the front door, fixing their mussed hair and Alex peeked through the peephole and reached for the door handle.

"It's Elliot and Kathy," she said as she pulled the door open and stood to the side. The couple stepped into the apartment, and right away, Kathy pulled Olivia towards her for a hug.

"Olivia," she breathed, her eyes meeting Alex's over the brunette's shoulder for a brief moment and she smiled warmly. "I'm so glad you're okay."

"Me too," Olivia said, her eyes fleeting over to her partner's shoulder. "It's good to see you. Sorry about your husband's shoulder."

"It better be the last and only time that happens," Kathy scolded, but Olivia knew she was being good-natured about it. Her husband was alive and that was all that mattered.

They pulled away from each other and Olivia moved back. "Kathy, this is Alex."

Kathy extended her hand and Alex shook it. "Nice to finally meet you," Alex said.

"Likewise," Kathy agreed. "I've heard a lot about the infamous Alex Cabot from my husband."

"Is that a good or a bad thing?" Alex joked, although she knew the answer. Bad at first, surely, and then probably better as they all got to know each other.

"Definitely good," Kathy assured her, a smile washing over her face. Her head turned to her husband who was watching the three of them with a grin. "Although, having one more attractive woman working with my husband gave me a few moments of worry."

"Who? Us?" Olivia gestured back and forth between Alex and herself. And then she pointed at Elliot. "This guy is the most loyal man I've ever met. And besides, he's not really our type."

Kathy and Elliot laughed and followed them to the kitchen. "That's what I've heard," and then she jerked her head up, giving Olivia an apologetic look. "I hope that's okay. Elliot told me about you two, but I won't tell anyone if you aren't ready to spread the news."

Olivia shook her head, reaching out for Alex's hand. She squeezed the blonde's fingers lightly, giving her a reassuring glance. "I don't care who knows."

Alex smiled, giving Olivia's hand a squeeze of her own. After everything they'd been through, it didn't matter now what people thought about them. "Neither do I."

Elliot took in a deep breath, and then paused as he smelled the air in the apartment. "Something smells really fantastic."

"Olivia made chili," Alex said. The close-cropped head turned quickly in Olivia's direction. "You can cook?"

His voice was indignant, and Olivia shrugged, nodding with a hint of embarrassment.

"That's something somebody should know about their partner, don't you think?"

Olivia rolled her eyes and moved to the fridge, pulling out a beer each for the couple. "Like I would cook for you."

Kathy laughed and pulled Elliot away from the stove, as he was hovering around the chili like a starved animal. "I rarely even cook for him. No idea what he's so upset about."

Several minutes later, the door sounded again with a knock and Alex went to answer it, leaving Olivia in the kitchen with Kathy and Elliot.

Alex pulled the door open and was immediately rushed in a bone crushing hug, similar to her mother's earlier that day. A main of long, dark hair assaulted her vision and she breathed in the familiarly nostalgic scent of Abbie Carmichael. Fin and Munch were standing behind her, grinning like mad. They all stepped into the apartment as Abbie released her hold on Alex, holding her at arm's length and looking into her face.

"Well, I'll be damned," Abbie said, her voice as gravelly and deep as ever.

"Abbie," Alex breathed, finding her voice after a moment. "Hi."

Beaming at her, dark eyes flashing, Abbie let go of the blonde and stepped out of the way as both detectives got their turn giving the blonde a hug. Their kind words and sincere hellos warmed her heart and reminded her how big her family really was. Abbie followed the two detectives towards the kitchen. Alex walked with her.

"So how've you been?" she asked. Abbie grinned at her.

"Not too bad. Not as bad as you from what I've heard. Comin' back from the dead has got to be exhausting, right?"

Alex nodded and paused at the entrance to the kitchen. Olivia looked up from her drink, although Alex knew she'd been watching the whole thing intently, and made eye contact with the dark-haired attorney.

"Hey, Abbie. Long time no see." Abbie smiled over at her, sending an additional wave to Elliot, who was still salivating over the chili he hadn't been allowed to eat yet. He waved back and smiled, reaching into the fridge and grabbed cold drinks for the newcomers, popping the tops off and handing them around.

"I hear ya. You been kicking ass as usual Benson? And this chili! Hot damn, you shoulda been a Texan!"

Olivia shrugged and grinned at her. Despite her past with Alex, it was difficult to dislike the brash woman. "It's easy to make. And from what I hear, kicking ass is what you've been doing. You helped put Zapata and Velez away?"

Abbie put the bottle to her lips and took a large gulp. "Not really. It was the boss who was in charge of all that important stuff. I was just there as the 'supporting cast', or so they said. Anyway. It was fun to see those bastards go away for all that shit."

"I'll agree with that," Elliot said. "You should have seen the look on Velez's face when Zapata was up there testifying against him. I sure hope they go to different prisons. They'd kill each other for sure."

"You had to testify against Zapata didn't you?" Alex asked, face eager for any all information she could get about the trial, as torn up as she was to have missed it. Elliot nodded.

"Yep. Seeing as I was the only one not in witness protection who witnessed both shootings."

"Both shootings?" A voice from behind them garnered their attention. "Mother!" Alex exclaimed, wondering how the woman had slipped in without any of their knowledge. Mothers had their ways, she supposed. Alex stood up and grabbed her mom's hand, pulling her to the kitchen and introduced her to Kathy and Munch and Fin, unsure if she'd met the two detectives already. She already knew Elliot and Abbie, whom she nodded to and Olivia stood up as well, stepping towards Virginia and into a welcoming hug.

It was a bizarre thing, to be here in her apartment with one former and one current lover and to have one of them now hugging her mother. Especially after the history they had together with dislike and threatening behavior. But Olivia and Virginia no longer seemed to have any bad blood between them, as Olivia dished out a bowlful of chili first for Alex's mother and showed her the cornbread. Everyone else soon followed and Alex could only stand back and watch, amazed at the transformations that had taken place. All because she had almost died. Or had died.

When they all had food and were seated comfortably again around the kitchen, conversation steered back towards the case, although Alex would have preferred not to expose her mom to all the horrible things that must have transpired throughout the trial. But there didn't seem to be anything she could do about that. Her mother seemed equally as interested in everything that had happened as she was.

"You were saying something about two separate shootings?" Virginia said, and Elliot nodded, glancing quickly at Alex, whose face was carefully arranged in neutrality.

"Right. There was Alex's of course, and then Zapata heard from a leak apparently that she was still alive. He also heard about Alex's connection to Liv here and wanted to go ahead and tie up any and all loose ends."

"I still can't believe that one of the feds was the leak," Abbie said, mouth full of chili. She was shaking her head.

Munch smiled his typical conspiratorial smile. "I can. It's typical for the government. You never know when those federal despots are going to turn on you."

"Hey man, watch it," Abbie threatened, pointing her spoon fiercely at him, but her lips held traces of a playful smile.

"Who was it, exactly?" Alex asked, wanting more information.

"Federal marshal by the name of Lenny Nash. He was old college buddies with Trevor Langan," Fin said, his voice drawing out slightly the defense attorney's last name.

"Langan. Poor bastard," Abbie commented. "Couldn't stand that guy, but he didn't deserve to die. At least not by Zapata's hands."

Virginia sat silently, taking it all in. Alex watched her expressions and reactions carefully.

"So anyway," Elliot went on, he had just managed to swallow a bit of cornbread as he began speaking and Kathy punched him on his uninjured arm, hoping for some semblance of manners from her barbaric husband. "Ouch. Sorry. So anyway, Zapata used this leak and some knowledge that Langan had been taking under-the-table money from drug dealers to hide their cash against him to blackmail the poor guy into letting Zapata stay at Langan's apartment."

"I bet more of those guys do that kinda stuff than we think. Under the table stuff, I mean. They're just smart enough not to get caught," Fin said, his tone respectful but his expression one of disgust for people having anything to do with the drug world.

"Probably so," Elliot said. "And then we got wind of this when Langan felt guilty and contacted Liv, saying he thought Alex might be in danger. So we went over to Langan's place to try and catch Zapata, but it was too late. Zapata had just shot him and then he shot me as he was fleeing the scene. We think he was planning on visiting Olivia's apartment before we got in the middle of things."

"And Langan was able to give the leak information because he knew about . . ." but Abbie paused, realizing she had said something too much and that maybe not everyone in the room knew about Alex and Olivia's relationship. "Umm. . . Nash's other connections," She stumbled over her recovery, and Olivia smiled, reaching over for Alex's hand. It would be the second time they would come out tonight. And the third, sort of, for Alex seeing as how she had told her mother about their relationship earlier that day.

"It's okay, Abbie," Alex reassured her. She spoke confidently to everyone in the room, although a blush crept slightly up her chest and neck. "Just so everyone's clear, although we weren't together when all this was happening here in New York, despite everyone seeming to think so, Olivia and I are now a couple."

Munch and Fin simultaneously turned and gave each other a high five, with quiet murmurings that sounded suspiciously like, 'I knew it' and 'I told you so'. Virginia smiled warmly, and looked back and forth between them. From what she had said earlier, if Alex was happy, her mother was happy.

"Right. Congratulations ladies. Back to the story. So yes, because Langan knew or thought he knew about Alex and Liv, they were both in danger because Zapata and Velez wanted them dead. There were also threats to your life, Virginia," Elliot nodded to the older woman. "And that's why they had to move you again."

"So the man who leaked all this information also knew where I was staying?" Virginia asked.

Elliot shrugged. "He did at first. But when the feds moved you again, they kept it airtight and there was no way any outside sources other than your specific handlers could know where you were. Or where these two were."

"Where were they keepin' you anyway?" Fin asked, head turned towards Alex and Olivia.

"Colorado," Olivia answered, and she brushed her hand through her hair lightly. "I think I've still got snow and ice in my hair, too."

"It's a damn shame you had to miss the trial, Alex. It was wild," Abbie grinned, and Alex noticed that the gleaming, predatorily lustful look she used to have in her eyes was no longer there.

"I wanted to be there," Alex said, brows furrowed. "But apparently it's frowned upon to be present for your attempted murderer's trial when he still might have the means to kill you."

They all laughed and Virginia shook her head, still not ready to make jokes about the situation. "How long was their sentence?"

Abbie's eyes went wide and she pursed her lips comically. "Don't you worry, Mrs. Cabot. Your daughter is safe from those guys now. They both got life in prison. Zapata would have been facing the death penalty, had he not flipped on Lenny Nash and Velez. I personally would have liked to see him fry."

"Lucky him," Munch commented. "An entire life full of hot meals, unlimited weight lifting and recreational time, and maybe even access to a television every now and then."

"Like I said," Abbie said cynically. "He should've fried."

Conversation flowed easily and they continued drinking and finishing their meal. It was nice to catch up with everyone, to see what Fin and Munch had been up to in the weeks of her absence and to find out about Abbie's job with the U.S. Attorney's office. Elliot and Kathy had plenty of hilarious stories about their kids' antics and hell-raising. It was funny, even with a strict parent like Elliot, some of the things his older girls managed to get into.

"So Cragen's babysitting the house?" Olivia asked, looking between her partner and Munch and Fin. They all nodded, and then a look passed between the three men that was not missed by Alex.

"What?" she asked and they immediately looked guilty.

"Nothing," Elliot said quickly, but Kathy nudged him. "Tell them."

"Tell us what?" Olivia asked. And Elliot took a deep breath, but his two companions were stoically silent.

"Sorry Alex, but after you were 'murdered'," he made air quotes. "We needed a new ADA to take the case loads after about a week where ADAs from different departments were covering your absence."

"They did a shitty-ass job. I promise," Fin added. Alex gave him a half smile.

"So you got a new one?" Olivia asked. It would be strange, after having worked with Alex for a while now, to get used to someone else. Elliot nodded.

"Name's Casey Novak. Real spitfire."

"Like me?" Alex asked, wondering what it was they had said about her when she first started working for the 1-6. Names like Ice Queen and The Bitch had floated around quite frequently. So spitfire, in comparison wasn't too bad.

"Nah, not really like you."

"Yeah," Munch added. "Different kind of spitfire."

"There are different kinds?" Alex was perplexed.

"Sure," Elliot stuck his lip out. "There are blonde ones like you, icy and cold and will rip your heart and soul out in the courtroom without thinking twice."

"And this other ADA?"

"Oh, she's a redhead. Still rips your heart and soul out. But with red hair."

Alex almost spit her sip of beer out, laughing at Elliot's explanation along with everyone in the room.

"Elliot, you're ridiculous," Olivia said, lips wide in a smile.

"But you've missed me."

"Yes, I have. I've missed all of you."

"Me too," Alex added quietly and looked around at them. Although she'd only just met Kathy, she felt as if she'd known the woman forever. And Munch and Fin and Abbie, all major players in her life and people Alex knew missed her while she was gone. While she was sad to hear about being replaced at SVU, at that moment she couldn't help but feel warm and at-home with all these people surrounding them in her home. In what she hoped would soon be hers and Olivia's home.

"Come on now," Abbie broke the mood. "Let's not get all sappy. Let's have us another beer!"

The guys cheered and all the females aside from Abbie rolled their eyes in unison.

* * *

><p>Later that night, everyone was gone and the door was locked and the dishes were in the sink. Alex had already started filling it with hot water and soap, ready to clean them all at once, but Olivia had other ideas. She came up behind the blonde, wrapped her hands around her waist and whispered things in her ear. Olivia's mouth trailed down to her neck and Alex let the bowl drop from her hands into the water, the splash it made against her shirt was ignored.<p>

They stumbled their way into the bedroom, switching off lights as they went and tossing away impeding clothing articles. By the time they made it to Alex's bed, they were stark naked and Olivia pushed the blonde up onto the bed and held out a finger, asking her to wait a moment. Alex didn't want to wait, she tried pulling Olivia back down on top of her, but was denied with a firm push of the detective's hand.

"I have something to show you. Wait a second, would you?"

Alex grunted and crossed her arms comically on the bed, unhappy to be told no. But she waited and Olivia bent down out of sight, rummaging around at the foot of the bed, the sound of a paper bag crumpling up and a plastic covering being ripped apart reached Alex's ears.

"I went shopping earlier. And not just for groceries." She held it out in her hands like an offering to Alex and the blonde stared at it. It was big. Not absurdly big by any means, but certainly bigger than any of the boys she'd ever been with. And slightly thicker and longer than the one Karen had used. And this one was shiny and black, with a nice leather harness, and Alex couldn't take her eyes off of it.

"Liv. Whoa. I wasn't expecting this." Her voice held traces of surprise. The detective faltered, her expression falling to one of disappointment and she started to put the thing back in the paper bag. Alex didn't want her to think she'd failed in any way, it wasn't that at all. She was simply surprised.

"Wait," Alex said quickly, crawling across the bed and sitting up on her knees to face the brunette. "Put it on."

Brown eyes were trained on Alex's face and she looked down at the dildo and put her hand out to it, grasping it and Olivia's hand at the same time. "I want you to put it on, Liv. Please?"

Olivia shrugged, still unsure that Alex really wanted this, and then bent down to pull the straps up her legs, tightening them with the buckles around her hips and when she stood up to her full height, it protruded obscenely from her groin. Alex was slightly startled to feel her mouth watering in tandem with a collection of dampness between her thighs. She was already turned on from their previous activities and the sight of her detective with this new toy was simply irresistible. Reaching out and grasping it around the base, Alex pulled gently and Olivia was forced to move towards her. Alex walked backwards on her knees to the middle of the bed and the brunette followed, being led by this new toy.

Both on their knees in the middle of the bed, Alex moved forward, pressing herself against the brunette and allowing the toy to stand up between them. Breasts touching, Alex ran her hands over Olivia's body, from her upper back down to her ass, grasping it and pulling Olivia even closer. Their mouths met sloppily, hungrily, and their tongues danced and teased until Alex could stand it no longer. She pushed the brunette towards the bed and Olivia complied, lying down on her back and Alex moved to straddle her. Soaked now and aching for this penetration, Alex's hands supported her weight as she lowered her entrance onto the toy.

She gasped as it stretched her walls initially, relishing in the pleasurable, almost painful feeling. Olivia stayed still, her eyes glued down to the sight of the dildo disappearing inch by inch into the blonde's body. Alex sank onto it, wanting it to fill her, wanting it to bottom out inside and after another inch, it finally did, touching her cervix and her eyes opened wide at the feeling. Olivia took in the blonde's expression and reached up to her.

"You okay?" she asked, not wanting to hurt Alex. She nodded, mouth still open, still trying to get used to the feeling of this thing inside her.

"I wanted to take the whole thing," she said quietly, her breath coming in pants and her legs trembled as they held up her body weight.

"It's pretty big," Olivia commented, remaining still. Even her hands had halted their movements directly below the blonde's breasts, feeling instead the solid muscle and bone of her ribs and abdominals.

"Yes, it is. Liv, can you do something for me?" Her eyes closed briefly as she moved an inch, and her hips seemed to involuntarily roll forward. The brunette nodded, eager to please.

"I need to you fuck me now, and put your hands on me while you do it."

Eyes widening at the blonde's candor, Olivia stared at her for a moment, wondering if she was serious, and also wondering how she could be. If Alex was so still and careful in this position, unable to push the toy any farther inside, how could she want Olivia do begin thrusting.

"Liv, don't think. Just do it. Please."

Mouth forming the shape of an 'okay', Olivia did as she was asked, moving her hips up just a fraction. Alex's breath caught in her throat and her head fell forward onto her chest. Olivia could just make out the sound of a faint 'yes' from the blonde's mouth.

If that's the way she wants it. Fine with me, Olivia thought.

Her hands moved up, cupping the breasts and squeezing firmly. Moving to the nipples, rolling over them and grasping them between fingertips, Olivia increased her pressure gently and slowly until she was practically pulling on them. At the moment Alex raised her head up, hissing at the pain invoked at her breasts, Olivia thrust upwards. Hard.

In one motion, she had filled the blonde completely, even farther than the toy had previously gone. Alex's body arched up, back bending and mouth opening wide, a silent scream never quite leaving her lungs. Olivia continued to pull on the hardened nubs, and she dropped her hips back down to the bed, leaving Alex straddling above her again, the toy threatening to slip free from inside. But it stayed where it was and Olivia shoved it home again, thrusting hard with her hips and slamming into Alex.

This time Alex let out a cry. Whether it was one of pain or pleasure, Olivia wasn't sure. But this was what Alex had said she wanted, so Olivia didn't let up. Her fingers stayed where they were and she changed her thrusts from hard and sporadic to firm and rhythmic, now filling the blonde over and over completely and feeling her wetness seep down around the toy and onto her thighs. Again and again she thrust up, and the blonde was looking into her eyes, face contorting in pleasure.

"Fuck, Liv. Yes," Alex whispered, her voice strangled and husky. A few more well-placed thrusts later, something changed in Alex, it was as if a dam had broken or a caged animal had been released. She sank down suddenly on the toy, her fingers grasping any and all of Olivia's flesh she could get her hands on and then she began to roll her hips. Meeting Olivia's now slightly relaxed movements with her own, the toy penetrated her more fully and her clit received the attention it had been so desperately seeking.

"This is why I wanted to take it all," Alex managed to say as she rolled her hips again, more forcefully now, grinding her pelvic bone hard against Olivia's. The movement shifted the toy and its strap on Olivia's body, providing her with a new stimulation and she let out a groan. She was soaked from watching the blonde fall to pieces above her and now she was getting close to coming from this new friction.

"Alex, this feels incredible," Olivia said, still holding eye contact with the blonde as she moved.

"You have no idea," Alex said and her voice broke at the end, and her head fell back, exposing the long line of her throat. A cry escaped and her body took over, fingers grasping desperately into Olivia's skin, and it would most certainly leave a mark. Her muscles spasmed and her body shook, and Alex thrust once more onto the toy before she froze, eyes squeezing shut as she came.

It was too much for Olivia, watching Alex come and trying to stay still while it happened. Her own orgasm knocked desperately and she couldn't resist it any longer. Her hands went to Alex's hips and she thrust upwards again, once, twice. And the third time she slammed it home, Alex's eyes had shot back open and she was falling over the edge again. Olivia was already there, fingers digging into Alex's skin as she trembled and rode out the waves. Her muscles clenched and released by themselves, inadvertently pressing the toy up into Alex again, making the blonde gasp and shake her head.

"No more. God. I can't," she whispered, and Olivia had recovered enough to respond. She sat up, Alex still impaled and craned her neck up, searching for the blonde's lips. Finding them warm and insistent, they kissed, both of them still feeling the aftershocks as they came back down.

"Mmm," Alex murmured as they slightly broke apart. "You are a natural."

"Of course I am. I'm good at almost everything." Olivia grinned and Alex rolled her eyes, raising her hands between them and pushing Olivia back down to the bed.

"Maybe so. We'll see." She rose up, wincing slightly at the emptiness and friction of the toy leaving her body and moved to the side of Olivia's body.

"What do you mean, we'll see?" Olivia asked curiously, recognizing the look on Alex's face as one of mischief. The blonde's fingers were already moving to the straps and buckles of the harness.

"Help me get this thing off of you and onto me, and I'll show you. It's my turn now."

Oh fuck, Olivia thought as she stared at the blonde before moving obediently.

….

Around ten minutes later, they lay there together, chests heaving with exertion, sweat beading on both their bodies and Olivia turned her head to look at Alex. The detective had been thoroughly and fantastically fucked in a multitude of positions. Her favorite of those positions was with her legs up on Alex's shoulders, the blonde's hands on her hamstrings, allowing for deep penetration and for Alex to continue thrusting without tiring out quickly. She had come several times in quick succession and now, lying in the afterglow, couldn't be happier with her newest purchase.

"Where did you learn how to use this thing?" Olivia asked. Alex smiled at her, and then looked back up at the ceiling as her smile turned rueful and her expression showed regret.

"Remember Karen Fitzgerald?"

Olivia nodded, and her face mirrored the sadness over what had happened to the lawyer in Alex's expression. It was strange to talk about Karen, now that she was dead and had been through such a terrible ordeal.

"Of course I do. I couldn't believe what happened to her. It was horrible," And then she paused. The pieces fell together in her mind. "Wait, you were the one she was dating?"

"Yep."

"Wow," Olivia said slowly. "I propositioned her, you know."

"I know. She told me," and then Alex turned on her side, giving Olivia a playful smirk. "I thought blondes were more of your type."

Olivia shrugged. "You're the only blonde for me."

Alex rolled her eyes at the cheesy comment and continued. "Flattering."

"So why didn't things work out between you two? Same reason as you and Abbie?"

Alex thought for a moment, staring up at the ceiling past Olivia's head and then her eyes landed back on the detective's expectant face. "It was different, somehow. She was great. And fun. Really fun. But it was similar to Abbie in that she wasn't you. And then I saw you one day at the courthouse and I may have accidentally said your name instead of hers in bed that night."

"You're kidding."

"Not kidding," Alex said with a grimace.

"Damn."

"I know."

"So that was the end of that?" Alex nodded.

"Anyway, I'm flattered."

"You damn well should be."

Alex rolled over, away from the detective, and pulled the toy from her hips, tossing it to the floor with a clunk and then snuggled in close to the warmer woman.

"Oh and by the way," she started, speaking into Olivia's skin. "My mother asked me earlier when you and I would be having children."

"What?!" Olivia cried, and Alex couldn't suppress her laughter at her lover's reaction, burying her face into the sheet.

….


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N – **_**another long drought of writing for me. The next chapter should come sooner because it's already mostly written. Hope you enjoy.**_

– **previously on You and Me – **Alex and Olivia make it back from Colorado. The next day, Alex goes to visit her mother and tells her she and Olivia are in a relationship. Then there's the homecoming party and a little bit of sexy times.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Olivia<strong>_

Monday, December 22, 2003.

Her footsteps muffled slightly by her light steps echoed indistinctly through the stairwell. Up and up she went, relishing in her burning thighs; almost to the top floor, Olivia pushed open the heavy metal door. It swung wide and she stepped forward, eyes taking in the achingly familiar scene.

If it was possible to have two homes, or to feel at home in two places, or perhaps in the presence of two groups of people, this place and these people were surely one of them. The other was Alex, and for a short while in her life, the two had been combined. But now things were different, now Alex already had a replacement here and even if she wanted her old job back, their current relationship was still standing firmly in the way.

She would soon meet this new replacement, would begin all over again building trust and cooperation in a new ADA. It wouldn't be easy, Olivia knew, especially after hearing what the other detectives thought about her before meeting her and finding out for herself.

Tinsel and garland were haphazardly strewn about, the holidays were right around the corner and the detectives of the 1-6 were throwing themselves headlong into the yuletide spirit. Bing Cosby crooned from someone's CD player near the back wall, and a miniature tree stood in the corner, sparkling with lights and more tinsel. Olivia took steps towards the center of the room, closer to hers and Elliot's joined desks, a warm feeling overcoming her as her eyes fell on her coworkers, sitting around, pretending to be working. It seemed to be slow that morning and their cold cases remained on their back burners. For the time being, the detectives seemed to be enjoying themselves.

She stepped up behind Elliot, whose back was turned and slapped him good-naturedly on the back, squeezing his shoulder muscles hard. Shoulders cringing up and neck swiveling around, his eyes landed on his partner and he spun his chair around, nearly sweeping Olivia's legs out from under her.

"Liv! Welcome back!" he said excitedly, as he stood up and gave her an equally hard back slap. She tried not to wince at the pain. _Jerk._

"Yeah, Liv. Good to see you're still alive," Fin smiled as he leaned back in his chair and looked her over fondly, he then picked up his coffee mug and took a sip. He wore a red sweater, probably as festive as he would get for the holidays. But it looked nice on him, Olivia thought as she greeted him in turn. Munch crossed his arms from his desk and smirked in her direction. "Yeah, good to see our government didn't fully screw everything up and sacrifice two of its own to catch a couple of measly little drug lords."

"They wouldn't do that, Munch," Olivia grinned. "They're completely trustworthy. Governments should be afraid of their people, right?"

Munch tilted his head, giving her a pointed stare and a mumbled, "Yeah right," before returning his attention to his files. Right next to them, a Menorah sat proudly atop Munch's desk, and two of its candles were already happily burning.

"Hanukkah time already, Munch?" Cragen asked as he approached the foursome. The gangly detective looked up, and the look overcame him that the other detectives knew too well. They were about to receive a history lesson about the Menorah.

"It is. You know, it's already the third day of the celebration, hence the two candles already lit. I'll light another one tonight. And traditionally . . ." but Fin coughed loudly, cutting him off as the other detectives smiled. Cragen shook his head with a half-grin and Munch again returned to his work. "Sorry I asked. Hey Liv," he said, reaching over to squeeze Olivia's arm. "Good seeing you back in the squad."

She nodded in agreement. It was good to be back. A ringing noise cut through their light-hearted banter a moment later and Elliot picked up his receiver, speaking his name into it before listening intently. Scribbling down a few words in his nearly illegible handwriting, Olivia watched him carefully, feeling a little anxious but more than ready to tackle her first case back on the job.

After another minute of listening, Elliot hung up the phone and stared at his notes, chewing his lip thoughtfully. He looked up and his brows were knitted together.

"We've got a double homicide and a missing kid up in Washington Heights."

Cragen took a deep breath. He looked around at the four of them, thinking for a moment. "It's slow here today. All four of you go ahead. Liv and Elliot, you two take the lead and Fin and Munch can canvas the area this time. Let's find this kid."

….

Uniforms were already swarming the place; it was a bustling beehive of activity. And after flashing their badges at the two young pups guarding the door, Olivia and Elliot stepped inside the apartment, both pairs of eyes taking in as much as possible on first glance. The officer in charge directed them to the back bedroom, back past the kitchen. It was a fairly nice place, just a regular two bedroom apartment, and it looked slightly cluttered but definitely lived-in. The finger paintings adorning the refrigerator alongside candid photos of the family smiling together next to a canoe by the lake gave Olivia a glimpse into this family's everyday life. And the kid, by the looks of him in the picture, couldn't have been more than seven or eight.

The back bedroom was a bloody mess. The man was still in the bed, his throat slashed. And the woman was on the floor in a pool of her own blood, it looked like she had put up a fight. The maid/nanny from a few blocks away, she claimed to be both, had called it in after she walked in on the scene from a horror movie. She was hysterical, but managed to inform the detective that the seven-year-old son was not in the house. These were the worst cases, the ones involving children. Olivia knew that better than anyone, and she knew it was most difficult to wrap your mind around how someone could want to harm an innocent child, knowing full well that their actions, if the kid survived, would negatively affect the rest of their life.

Around twenty minutes later, Olivia snapped off the latex gloves and wadded them up. She tossed them in the designated trash bin and rubbed her hands together, the powder from the latex still lingering there. They had finished supervising the evidence processing in the bedroom and were about to convene in the kitchen with their new plan of action. Priority number one was to figure out how to locate the missing child. Olivia was just turning her head to look for Elliot when a noise caught her attention. A pair of what sounded like low heels thumped down the entry way towards her and she looked up.

A fairly tall, red-headed woman strode confidently into the room, looked around at everything and continued walking into the bedroom where the parents had been murdered. Olivia stared at her, open-mouthed, wondering how the hell this woman had slipped past the uniformed guards supposedly posted out front.

"Hey!" Olivia said brusquely, and the woman turned, her green eyes falling on the scowling detective. "Who the hell are you?"

The woman opened her mouth to speak just as Elliot exited the bedroom, gloved hands pointing at her with a smile.

"This is Casey Novak, our new ADA."

Olivia and Casey stared at each other for a moment, before Casey stepped forward, extending her hand to the brunette. "Hi, you must be Detective Benson. Nice to meet you."

Her voice was low, and confident, and Olivia reluctantly took her hand and shook it, forcing a tight smile.

"Nice to meet you too."

"So," Elliot said, eyebrows raised at the tension he could sense rolling off his partner.

"The M.E. is almost here, we've got all the pictures we need and evidence is just about finished."

Olivia began to nod when the new ADA stepped forward with a disarming smile.

"I'd like to take a look around, if that's all right."

Staring at her, the detectives didn't know what to say. After an awkward moment where Elliot shrugged nonchalantly, Olivia tilted her head.

"Why would you need to do that? The whole place has been processed."

"Not by me," Casey said simply and squeezed past Elliot. All she could do was raise her eyebrows incredulously at Elliot, who shrugged again. This was going to be a long day.

….

Back in the interview room at the precinct, they had a lead. They had a suspect as a matter of fact. A suspicious man had been hanging around the apartment, or so the nanny had told them. And after she described him and the company he worked for, a plumbing company with distinguishably unique trucks and uniforms, they located him without much trouble and hauled him in for questioning.

He looked good for the kidnapping, and although he was refusing to answer any questions, he still hadn't asked for his lawyer. With no alibi, hopefully he wouldn't have one, the man was all the right combinations of creepy and charming, just the kind of guy kids find disarming and trustworthy.

It was possible this man was responsible for several other open cases. The M.O. matched this particular case and he might be the one several different states had been looking for. He was wanted for several counts of murder and rape, including the kidnapping and molestation of several children, but first they had to make sure he was the right guy. Olivia and Elliot were taking turns grilling him, but nothing was working. They just needed more time before someone showed up to represent him and keep him quiet legally.

A knock sounded at the door, and both detectives' eyes flew to it. The only reason someone would interrupt them right now during an interview was to tell them they were no longer allowed to continue because his representation was here. The door swung open, allowing a gust of warm air to gush in and in its wake, Casey stepped in and gripped the door frame. It was freezing in the interview room, the detectives had made sure of that to keep their suspect as uncomfortable as possible. The warmth hit Olivia, and she watched her own emotions mirrored and play out on Elliot's features. Anger flared over her face, doubling the red flush in her face as Casey motioned for them both.

"Can I talk to you out here for a minute, please?"

Olivia stopped where she was, staring at Casey for a moment as Elliot jumped up from his seat and reached the door in two large steps. The brash attorney had already moved back and Elliot shut the door firmly behind him, leaving Olivia alone in the room with the suspect.

She threw a few more questions his way before giving in and stepping outside. After all, they did work for the DA's office and so Casey technically could pull them out of an interview. Alex had done the same thing plenty of times. But for someone with as little experience in sex crimes and searching for these types of people, she had a lot of nerve pulling them out that way.

Olivia realized she was just mad that the case wasn't going their way, that all of their leads were falling apart and they were no closer to finding the missing boy than they were earlier that morning. But she couldn't help but want to take out some of her anger on the new ADA.

Elliot was already telling her off when she shut the door to the interview room, the vein that stood out prominently when he was mad was now bulging in his throat.

"Don't you _ever _pull us out of an interview like that again! And his lawyer's not even here!" Elliot was in her face, but she didn't back away, didn't even flinch. Olivia was mildly impressed. Her partner could be quite intimidating sometimes. Casey must have some experience dealing with hot-headed macho men.

"I don't give a _damn!_" she started and then glanced over at Olivia, pointing her finger towards the interview room. "You've got nothing on him and he's not talking. So we're not wasting any more time on him."

"Of all the nerve," Elliot started, and Olivia couldn't help but laugh inwardly at how much like a drama queen he sounded at that point. But Casey interrupted right away.

"Regardless of your insubordination," and her partner's eyebrows shot up at her words. "We've got a problem."

Elliot chose to remain quiet after that, thankfully. And Olivia spoke up for the first time. "What kind of problem?"

Casey scooped up her briefcase in one hand and fixed them both with a stare that was difficult to decipher. And as soon as the red-headed woman spoke, Olivia placed the look; it was worry.

"We've got a dead body down in the river."

Olivia and Elliot shared their own look. That didn't sound good at all.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Alex<strong>_

It was getting late as Alex was drying the water from her hands and folding the dishtowel neatly to place back on the rack when a key rattled in the door. Her head shot up and heart raced briefly before Olivia appeared around the door and she breathed slowly in relief.

"Alex?" Olivia called out, her voice carrying across the entryway. "In here."

Olivia turned her head towards the kitchen, catching sight of the blonde standing with a dishtowel still in hand.

"Hey," she said, her face a mixture of emotions, frustration, exhaustion and relief, the last probably due to finally being home. She wondered if Olivia would come to think of this place as her home. To Alex, she didn't care where they were. If Olivia wanted a different place, it was fine with her. What mattered was being with Olivia. Of course, being in New York was a plus too.

"Hey," Alex said back and the detective stepped into her open arms, they embraced and pressed their lips together gently, remaining still for a long moment before pulling away slightly. Enough for them to look into each other's eyes. "Rough day?" Alex asked, studying her favorite face in the entire world. The creases between Olivia's brows were a little deeper than usual.

"It couldn't have been worse for my first day back."

"Really?" Alex questioned sincerely, and then a thought hit her. "You didn't get shot at did you?"

Olivia shook her head and gave a tired smile at her girlfriend's worried tone. Alex's features relaxed significantly and she released her tight hold on Olivia's arm, allowing her fingers instead to trail gently down the tanned skin.

"Well then. It could have been much worse."

"You're right. It could have been. But it was still bad."

"Come on," Alex said, taking the brunette by the hand and pulling her to the bar stool. The kettle was already steaming away on the stove, so she took down a mug, tossed a tea bag into it and filled it with the piping hot water. This was nothing a little hot tea couldn't help.

"Thanks," Olivia said, as she sat down and Alex slid the mug in front of her. Her eyes watched the steam as it trailed upwards until it disappeared into the surrounding air.

"Tell me about it," Alex said quietly, and she watched as the brunette bit her lip, hesitating. Alex knew exactly what she was thinking, that Olivia was worried about burdening her with extra stress and the horrible images of her day.

"Liv, please. I worked with you for years. I know it's gruesome and haunting, but we have to talk to each other."

"I know," Olivia said quietly, staring at the condensation dripping down the glass onto the coaster below it. "It's just . . . it was a kid this time, and those are the worst."

Alex nodded, taking a seat next to Olivia and turned her stool sideways. "I know they are. But it's good to talk it over, isn't it? Maybe get some kind of closure?"

"Closure?" Olivia turned a skeptical eye the blonde's direction. "They kidnapped him after slitting his parent's throats. And then later today, a boy's body turned up, floating down the Hudson."

"It was him?" Alex asked, in a small voice, afraid for the answer.

"His DNA matched samples we took from the apartment."

"Damn."

"Yeah. And on top of it all, our only suspect walked."

"Not enough evidence?" Olivia shook her head miserably. "No."

"You'll find a way, Liv. Cragen sent you home?"

Strands of dark hair fell across her eyes as she nodded. "For the night, yeah. Said we'd start over in the morning. I know it was him, Alex. I can feel it."

Alex reached over and squeezed her arm, running her hand up and reaching for her face. Olivia's eyes closed briefly as Alex brushed the strand back behind her ear. "You have good instincts about things like this. You'll get him."

"Hope so."

"Did you get to meet your new ADA?" Alex asked, wondering if her voice held any of the anxiety she currently felt.

"Sure did," Olivia said bitterly.

"And . . .?" Alex prodded.

"Pissed me off right away, barging in on our crime scene, trying to be 'hands on' she called it, walking around like she owned the place and claiming that she needed to personally process the scene."

"Sounds kind of like me," Alex said thoughtfully, but Olivia shook her head no. "Not like you. You, we respected. She's new, she needs to earn our trust and respect the line between the law and the enforcement."

"Is that all she did?" Alex asked, and while a part of her was pleased the squad was still loyal to her, she couldn't help but sympathize with this new ADA. She knew what it was like to be ostracized for being new and that it takes a while for them to warm up to you. And it sounded to her like this new one had a pretty good start.

"She pulled us out of an interview that was going nowhere." Olivia sounded hurt and still angry, but her voice held hints of regret that she had been angry in the first place.

"The suspect that you had to let walk?"

The brunette nodded. "We didn't have any reason to hold him and then his lawyer showed up pretty quickly after she pulled us."

"She's doing the right stuff, going by the book and trying to keep your asses out of trouble. That was hard enough working with all of you, that's for damn sure."

"Hey." The brunette narrowed her eyes at Alex, shaking a warning finger her direction. But she gave a half-smile, with the knowledge that indeed, she and Elliot did make it hard on any district attorney working with them sometimes. "I know," Olivia said with a sigh. "But it's still infuriating."

"You'll get used to her. She sounds like she knows what she's doing."

"I can't believe you're defending her. You don't even know her."

Alex sighed. Olivia was right, in a way. Alex should feel angry, jealous even of this new ADA, the one who had filled her empty job position. But she felt nothing but empathy for the woman. Of all the ADA jobs out there, special victims had to be the most difficult. Live victims, especially ones who'd been through the worst experience of their life, were the breaking point for most people on the job.

"She went to talk to Branch," Olivia said. "I'm sure she'll try to get out of it. Try to get reassigned somewhere else."

"He'll keep her in it, convince her that she's right for the job," Alex said confidently.

"What makes you think that?"

"I know him." Alex said. "He's more stubborn than both of us put together."

"Impossible," Olivia shook her head once, with finality. Alex tended to agree with her on that one after thinking about it for a moment. They were both pretty stubborn. But still. Arthur Branch was a bull-headed son of a bitch, in the best possible way of course. "Have you ever met him?"

Oliva shrugged. "Once or twice, never really talked to him though."

"Then you have no idea. Just give her a chance, Liv."

Olivia nodded, relaxing her shoulders in acceptance and yawned widely. "Fine. I'll try. Now let's go to bed. I'm exhausted."

"Me too," Alex lied, because she'd been nothing but bored the entire day, waiting for Olivia to get home, now that it was close to eleven o'clock. She'd gone to see her mother, gone for a run and cleaned out the oven and microwave, sure signs of cabin fever. But being anywhere close to the detective, especially snuggled up under the warm covers in this snowy weather was the only place she wanted to be at that moment.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Olivia – Tuesday, December 23<strong>_

Olivia rapped her knuckles lightly on the door, stepping inside when a voice called out to come in. She looked down to her left and there was Casey, red hair looking disheveled and battle-weary. A pair of green eyes rose up to look at her and Olivia took another step in, standing a few feet away from the attorney.

"Come to say I told you so, I guess?" Her voice cracked and tears instantly started falling down her face. She had obviously been crying for some time now and Olivia took in a breath, realizing how hard Casey was taking this case. She was too, if she was being truly honest with herself.

"Of course not," Olivia started and received an immediate 'shut the hell up' glare. The brunette raised her hands in supplication. Taking a tentative step back and shoving her hands in her pockets as she stood there.

"Okay, fine. Maybe I was. But you don't deserve that. I've been an asshole to you so far, Casey, and I'm sorry for that."

"It's okay," Casey grumbled. "I've been an asshole too. I've been trying too hard and making a damn fool of myself."

"It's no big deal. We all remember what it's like being new."

The green eyes sent over another disbelieving look, and she glanced down at her lap.

"How does anyone do this job?"

"It's not easy," Olivia said quietly, remembering how raw her feelings had been upon seeing the young boy's beaten and water-swollen body in the black bag. "And I'll tell you this right now. It doesn't get easier. Especially the kids."

"I can't imagine having family and trying to do this. Is it even possible?"

"Elliot's the only one with a family, really. And he struggles every day. Not just with the cases, but the time he spends away from them. He refuses to let the job get anywhere near his family, and they suffer for it, for his detachment."

Olivia moved towards the couch opposite of the attorney and sat down heavily. It was a short walk over here from the 1-6, however cold and snowy, but this building was well-heated and the detective was feeling a little toasty. She loosened her scarf and let some cooler air back onto her neck.

Casey watched her with eyes still haunted by seeing something horrible.

"What about the rest of the detectives? And Cragen?"

Olivia breathed in deeply. She would be completely honest; there wouldn't be any smoke and mirrors from her side of things. "Let's see. . . Fin never talks about his family, but he's got a kid he never sees and an ex he never talks to. Munch has been divorced several times and has probably just given up by now, and Cragen's wife died years ago, back when he was an alcoholic."

Casey was quiet, eyes wide at the influx of personal knowledge she had just received. And from someone whose trust she probably believed she'd never earn. "And what about you? How do you do it?" Her expression was earnest and yet dubious. "How do you go home to your boyfriend at night?"

Olivia paused, her hesitation filled with brief, wry laughter. Someone must have told Casey she was in a relationship, but apparently they hadn't divulged all the details. Funny, she thought that news would be the talk of the water cooler. Perhaps not everyone knew.

"I don't have a boyfriend. I'm, uh, dating SVU's previous ADA actually."

"You mean. . ." She stumbled over her words, something Olivia never got tired of watching lawyers do. "You mean Alex Cabot?" Casey asked.

Olivia nodded. And she could see the recognition and realization that Olivia was gay playing out on the red-head's face. Straight until proven not-straight, she supposed. It was almost comical to watch. Almost.

"I heard about her being shot and the witness protection and everything. You were involved in all that?"

Olivia nodded again. Apparently gossip didn't always travel so fast.

"You'll have to tell me that story sometime." Olivia considered it, shrugged her shoulders in response.

"So she knows what it's like then?"

"She does. And she knows better than anyone that it doesn't get easier. "

Casey was quiet. She looked shell-shocked and Olivia couldn't blame her. She remembered all too well her first tough case at the domestic violence division, the one involving the two year old girl. Back then Olivia didn't think she could do it either. And here she was, close to a decade later, thanks to a supportive mentor, in special victims now and still facing the same challenges. Perhaps it was her turn to be a supportive mentor to somebody else.

"Why don't you quit? How do you keep doing this?"

Olivia sighed and slapped her hands lightly on her thighs, pushing against them to stand up. "Someone has to."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Alex<strong>_

Olivia walked through the door just as Alex was getting out of the shower, and the blonde, hearing her rummaging around in the kitchen, poked her head out to make sure it was Olivia and not anyone else. When she was sure it was Olivia, the detective was unclipping her gun holster from her belt and placing her badge back against the counter where she kept it for the evenings, before they moved to the bedroom, Alex hurried back into her closet to change, wanting to talk to Olivia as soon as possible.

The brunette was relaxing on the couch, bare feet propped up on the coffee table when Alex came back into the living room. She went straight for the couch, sitting down next to Olivia and placing a quick peck on her cheek.

"Better day today?"

Olivia nodded and sent the blonde one of her most charming smiles, and it would have been a lovely smile if not for the sarcastic eye roll at the end. "What?" Alex asked.

"You were right, of course," Olivia said simply, looking over into the blue eyes.

"About what?" Alex asked, although she had an idea.

"Casey Novak. She's staying on, Branch wouldn't let her transfer, and she's definitely suffering after seeing that kid in the body bag."

"I hate to say I told you so, but . . ." Alex gave a small smile, although the situation really wasn't funny. The new ADA would have nightmares about that case for quite some time. She knew that from experience.

"Yeah, yeah," Olivia grumbled, but still she leaned over and laid her head gently on Alex's shoulder. And Alex, slightly surprised at her show of rare vulnerability, let her hand come up behind Olivia and trace softly through the short brown locks.

"So he got away?" Alex asked and the brunette moved her head up and down, the gesture moving the blonde's shoulder in unison with Olivia's head.

"Probably in a different country by now. We'll never be able to get to him."

Alex smiled, even though Olivia couldn't see. "Don't say that. They managed to extradite Velez, didn't they?"

Olivia's hand was on her thigh and it squeezed gently at the memory of all that chaos and terror. "That's true. Right again. Have you always been such an optimist?"

Letting out a light laugh, Alex continued her ministrations to Olivia's hair, knowing how good it must feel for her to sit down and relax, to get her worries off her chest at the end of a trying day. "Not until you came back into my life," Alex said sweetly.

"Blah," Olivia said. "Try working in SVU again. Sucks your optimism right out."

Alex paused. Now was her opportunity to bring it up. She cleared her throat, and Olivia sat up, turning her body so that she was facing the blonde.

"I, uh . . . spoke on the phone with Abbie today."

"Did you?" Her voice held a touch of distaste.

"Yes. She told me there's a job opening at the U.S. Attorney's office."

"What kind of job opening?" Olivia asked, a little suspiciously. "Well, apparently, with my experience, I could step right in to be the chief prosecutor for General Crimes. I'd start right after the New Year."

"This is in the city right?"

Alex nodded, smiling. On the inside though, she knew Olivia was worried she'd be in Albany, too far away for either of them. They weren't interested in any sort of long distance relationship. But the job was right here in the city, at Manhattan's branch of the U.S. Attorney's office. "Of course."

"What's Abbie's job exactly?"

"She's the Chief for Violent Crimes."

"Well that sounds more exciting than General Crimes."

"I thought so too. But she's looking to move on to International Terrorism and Drugs. You know, with her background in narcotics, that's what she's more interested in."

Olivia was quiet for a moment. And Alex, reached out for her hands, feeling their weight in her own. "Please don't worry that something might happen between me and Abbie."

Shaking her head, Olivia glanced down. "I'm not worried about that." Alex squeezed their hands together. "You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I trust you Alex."

"You know it's common for women who've been in relationships to remain friends when things don't work out. They can be friends with no lingering attractions to each other because they've both moved on."

Olivia gave her a pointed stare, pursing her lips to one side. "Sort of like you and me?"

Alex reached a hand over to Olivia's shoulder and pushed her gently. "That's different and you know it."

"I know," Olivia grumbled.

"Good," Alex said, "Because Abbie's in a relationship now anyway. She's very happy."

"Really?"

The blonde head nodded. "Yeah, with another lawyer of course. Blonde, naturally. I've never met her, but from the way Abbie talks about her. She's a real catch."

"That's great. I'm happy for her. We'll have to do a double date or something sometime." Olivia was smiling but her eyes betrayed her, they always did. Alex could read every emotion Olivia possessed in her arsenal of emotions through her effusive eyes.

"What is it you're really worried about?"

"I'm not worried. I'm excited for you. It's exciting to get a fresh start," Alex's hand moved, extending out to tuck a strand of almost ear-length hair behind Olivia's ear. She could sense the half-truth from a mile away.

"Liv."

Olivia sighed, looking up, exasperated at the blonde. "You are a frustrating woman."

"Because I know you so well?"

"Yes. Why can't I worry in peace? Without you being aware?"

"Just tell me."

"I'm afraid something bad will happen to you if you go back to work prosecuting bad guys."

"Afraid some general crimes psycho will come after me?" Alex joked, although she knew it was a little too soon to be joking about that. Her hand teased along Olivia's thigh. "That won't happen. And anyway, what would I do instead? Stay at home all day?"

"That wouldn't be so bad, would it?" Olivia smiled, completely kidding, but the thought of Alex with an apron in the kitchen was too delicious to resist.

"But seriously. I can't even cook!"

The dark-haired woman laughed, throwing her head back. "That is a problem, isn't it?"

Alex nodded solemnly, thinking about how mundane life would be without a job involving what she loved to do.

"I would be incredibly bored, Liv. I wouldn't know what to do with myself."

"You're sure you want to get back into it?" Olivia was frowning, eyes searching Alex's for answers.

At this, Alex's expression morphed from playful to indignant. "Really, Liv? I thought we were just kidding around, but you really don't want me going back to work? You really expect me to be a housewife or something? A kept woman?"

Olivia scratched her head, searching for the right response. "Of course not. And I know you want to go back and I know there's nothing I can do to stop you from going if you set your mind to it . . ."

"Damn right you can't," Alex exclaimed, anger leaking through her voice. Olivia shook her head, holding her hands out placatingly.

"Let me finish," she said and Alex nodded slowly, still frowning. "I know I can't stop you, but I can't stop myself from worrying about you either."

"I'll be fine, Liv. I can take care of myself."

Olivia gave a shrug, smiling understandingly. It wasn't the first time Alex had uttered those words. "I know that's the truth. But you have to admit . . . sometimes you push yourself too far."

Alex gave a frustrated sigh, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. Olivia was right about that. "Maybe. But so do you. I'm not the only one in this relationship who lives for her job."

"You know that's not true Alex," Olivia said quietly. And immediately the blonde wished she could bite back her words, bid them somehow to come back into her mouth. She looked down at her hands, twisting them and stretching the tendons, realizing right away that Olivia was right.

"I know, Liv."

"I stopped living for my job the minute you were shot."

"I know."

"Do you?" Olivia asked, leaning in, her voice still quiet but more urgent. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?" Her eyes were clear and Alex stared into their deep colors, nodding her head. She moved forward as well, pulling the brunette closer.

"Of course I do. You flew across the country for me, put your job, your whole life on hold. And then you put your life on the line for me. Of course I know."

Olivia brought their lips together for a brief moment and then pulled away. "Good. So you need to know how much I worry about you."

"The feeling is mutual. I'm worried about you too. You're back in the line of duty now, back in danger."

"But I'm careful and safe."

"I know you're safe, love. And you keep me safe. I trust you completely to come home to me every night," Alex paused, running a hand along a soft cheek and strong jawline. "Now you need to trust me to do the same."

Olivia swallowed and reluctantly nodded her head. Alex gently pushed the detective away and moved over to the phonebook. She began flipping through the pages, eventually coming to a stop on the yellow pages.

"Let's be clear about something here," she started as she picked up the telephone and Olivia's eyes were trained on her, attention focused. "I realize you're nervous about me going back to work, but are you sure there's no underlying issue? Like the fact that I'll be working in the same office as Abbie?"

The brunette shook her head. She looked as straightforward and truthful as usual, and Alex believed her. Mostly. They both had their jealous tendencies. The fact that Abbie was with someone else helped the situation, but Olivia was well aware of what Alex had gone through, how she felt like she was cheating on Olivia when she was with anyone else. But it was impossible to erase the past, Alex knew that better than anyone.

"You already know that I trust you. You won't be reckless with my heart, will you?" Olivia asked. Alex shook her head, tapping the phone book with one finger.

"I won't. And you won't either with this new fiery ADA, right?"

"Of course not," Olivia said indignantly. "She's not even my type."

Alex laughed and rolled her eyes. "I thought your type was independent female, usually a lawyer, with beautiful eyes."

Olivia leaned in and winked conspiratorially. "I like blondes the best. And blue eyes. Yours, in particular."

Alex slid the landline phone closer to her, pushing down several numbers in quick succession as she smiled back at her detective.

"Let's be reckless with dinner, shall we? Thai food?"

Olivia shrugged and stretched her arms out along the couch back, leaving an open space for the blonde to snuggle into when she finished ordering. "Sounds good to me."

* * *

><p><em>AN – another chapter is on its way. And depending on how long it gets, I might split that one into two. So much for almost being finished, but I'm having too much fun with these two finally back together._

_By the way – this fic now has more words than harry potter and the deathly hallows!_


	39. Chapter 39

_A/N – that took too long, I know. But I had it pretty much finished and I thought it sucked and I was about to delete this whole chapter and start again when I realized what it needed. . . some lady loving of course! Now I think it's much better._

* * *

><p><em><strong>December 23, 2003 – <strong>_

_**Alex**_

Alex had reorganized her closet twice already. The first time, trying to make room for the clothes Olivia had either subconsciously or purposely left in her dirty clothes hamper. She had stayed the night ever since they got back from Colorado, only returning to her own apartment for more clothes and other essentials.

Running out of things to do and short of picking up a new hobby or going on another run, second one of the day, Alex washed all the clothes and decided to make some space for Olivia's stuff. After having pulled all her clothes out and organized them into piles, she bagged up the garments she no longer wore and set them aside for donation. When that was done and the clothes were replaced, there was about a fourth of her closet empty for the detective.

An hour later, bored again, Alex moved some of her seasonal clothes to her guest bedroom closet, leaving even more space, just in case Olivia wanted to leave more clothes. At lunch time, the holiday spirit hit her and she stood up from the kitchen barstool and pulled out her mother's old copy of The Joy of Cooking, exploring for festive recipes. After a minute or so of perusing different things, she sighed, shaking her head and deciding it was best to leave that sort of thing to Olivia. But a single recipe for cider looked foolproof and she made a list of things to get at the corner store.

On a whim, she picked up some decorations on her way back to the apartment. She had never decorated this apartment for the holidays, any of them, having spent those important dates in the past usually with her mother. But seeing as her mother was safely back upstate and settled in for the holidays, she figured now was as good a time as any to start some new traditions. When Olivia got home that evening, she could help out with the decorating. Alex smiled at the sudden vision of her detective with a red Santa hat on her head and not much else. A few, risqué thoughts ran through her mind as to what else might go well with a naked body and a Santa hat, and a light blush ran up her neck and cheeks at those vivid images flashing through her mind in this public shopping center of all places.

A couple of fun toys wouldn't hurt as gag gifts she decided, quelling her immediate longing for the detective to come home and satisfy her; Alex made a mental note to make a few other stops. They could even open the gifts before Christmas, she thought gleefully, imagining all the compromising situations they might get themselves into.

….

Back at the apartment and several hours later, Alex's day turned into late afternoon and she had accomplished everything she wanted to. The place smelled incredible, like cinnamon and nutmeg and apples. She had a small pile of boxes wrapped by the salespeople at the store all sitting neatly beneath their tiny tree, the lonely looking thing looking quite abandoned, as it had yet to be decorated.

Cragen had called her earlier, the phone's ring cut through her carols and quiet, hummed accompaniment. He sounded genuinely happy to talk to her again and spoke briefly about how much they missed her presence at the 1-6, however great the strides Casey Novak was making learning the ropes. He went on to invite her, and Olivia of course, to a spur of the moment Christmas Eve/Hanukkah party for the detectives and ADAs of the 1-6. It would be at the station, and it was bring your own alcohol, he said, his voice held only a slight hint of regret. Sober for quite a few years now, Alex wondered exactly how long it had been, although she knew from her first few months with the squad, during the period she was supposed to be monitoring the detectives and their captain for misbehavior and illegal activity that the job often tempted him sorely into having just one little drink.

That wasn't something she was comfortable talking about with him, probably because she thought of him as somewhat of a father-figure. She thought it best to keep him in a neat little box as a super hero, someone who was infallible, someone who didn't give in to temptation so easily. And so far, he had been.

His voice cut into her thoughts, going on to tell her he'd already invited Abbie and her girlfriend, and everyone else would be there as well. Smiling into the phone, Alex told him she and Olivia would absolutely be there and that she couldn't wait. They hung up and Alex replaced the phone in its cradle, thoughts on the upcoming party and getting to see everyone again for the second time in the span of week. She'd get the chance to meet both Casey Novak and Abbie's new girlfriend, another lawyer she didn't yet know. All of this tomorrow, after their date tonight. After their hopefully spectacular date night in. Alex had been anticipating this, had been anxious for it, and was scared to hope too much that tonight would be different for them. Not only in the romantic, hopeful, want to be with her forever type of way, but also getting to see her and feel her and love her in the most intimate ways possible.

And again, this time without warning and with a great jolt of feeling, her mind wandered to Olivia, wondering where she was and what she was doing. Skin growing hot and flustered, she imagined what she might do to Olivia when she walked in the door. She could jump her as soon as the detective walked in, throw her against the wall and rip every article of clothing from her body, not wasting any time in putting her mouth on as much skin as possible. Before long, Alex considered very seriously taking this matter of her turned on body into her own hands. She looked up at the ceiling, ran her hands through her hair exasperatedly and then turned blue eyes to the door. And at that moment, it was perfect timing, the door handle rattled and in walked Olivia.

_Thank god_, she thought. She stood up from the couch, and thoughts of rushing the brunette flew out the window. Instead, she met Olivia halfway between the living room and entryway and they had the same idea, she must have seen the expression on Alex's face and known exactly what she wanted. The brunette's eyes immediately were on her mouth, and reaching out, they came together. A slow, languid kiss and hands that explored curves and soft spots and hard spots led to an even slower walk to the couch.

Alex went down first, landing softly on the cushions and she reached up to grasp her detective's shirt, a fistful of material bunched up and an eager body followed. Their bodies pressed together again and Alex thrust up with her hips and pressed their chests together, wasting no time expressing how much she had missed Olivia that day. Olivia's flushed skin was hot and goosebumped, and Alex could feel each every hair standing on end as she fluttered her lips down the brunette's throat. At the base, where neck met shoulder, she licked and sucked and Olivia moaned above her, supporting her weight with one arm and on Alex's lower body. Her free hand fisted in blonde hair, pushing the lips closer, driving her onward, farther down.

Deft fingers made quick work of the shirt's buttons and with a firm push, the shirt was off Olivia's shoulders and tossed across the room. The bra followed soon after, hitting the floor with a whisper and Alex squirmed down lower, pushing Olivia up higher for better access. Her mouth contacted an already hard nipple, closing around it and ravishing it with her wet tongue. She sucked and pulled and Olivia gripped her hair tighter, almost painfully.

"Fuck, Alex," she whispered into the quiet apartment. Alex answered with a loud exhale and moved over to pay her respects to Olivia's other, neglected breast. Her tongue slipped out of her mouth and teased along the hard bud, slowly making circles around it and then began moving back and forth, simulating what she'd like to do to other parts of the brunette's body. Flicking harder and faster, Olivia couldn't stop her hips from moving in time with Alex. She could feel the heat radiating from Olivia's core, even through a pair of slacks and her own jeans.

That pair of slacks was suddenly too much clothing and the blonde reached down to undo the belt. She got it free and unbuttoned the slacks, wasting no time on the zipper as Olivia pulled back to watch in between their barely separated bodies. The fabric hesitated briefly over the swell of Olivia's ass as Alex pushed the pants and thin cotton underwear down over her hips. Completely nude now over a thoroughly dressed Alex, Olivia looked between them and started to speak, but before she could get any words out, she was cut off.

Alex lunged forward, sitting up with Olivia straddling her on the couch and turned so that she could rest her feet on the ground. Olivia moved with her, albeit reluctant to be the only one naked, and Alex took advantage of her position, craning her head forward to take one of Olivia's breasts again into her mouth. Her hands roamed the expanses of skin, trailing softly down the brunette's back and down to cup and squeeze a well-muscled ass.

One hand trailed up and around a thigh and down in between the juncture of Olivia's thighs, two fingers running gently around and into her folds, dipping down to test the waters. She was wet and completely ready judging by the tiny jerks and spasms any time Alex slightly and unintentionally contacted her clit.

Olivia writhed against her, resting her hands on the back of the couch, and her forearms and shoulder muscles flexed enticingly as she supported some of her weight there. Alex kissed her way back up to Olivia's mouth, having to reach her head up and back to do so. Tongue and fingers worked together, thrusting in at the same time and Olivia's eyes shot open above her.

"Oh my . . ." but that was all she could moan into Alex's mouth before she thrust again, pressing the palm of her hand against Olivia's throbbing bundle of nerves. She leaned back against the couch to watch the brunette work against her hand, her body moving gloriously in a pattern inherently known to all animals, one intent on gaining pleasure and giving it.

Head falling back and exposing her throat, Olivia cried out into the silence, the sounds of their lovemaking accompanied only by intermittent deep breaths and moans of pleasure. Thrusting in and pressing up, Alex worked her hand and fingers inside as her mouth licked its way up and down Olivia's neck, pausing intermittently to bite gently here and there. Olivia ground back down against her and when her movements grew jerky and she thrust her hips harder and with more purpose, Alex pressed deeper and bit down into the muscle. And all at once, Olivia was coming, squeezing her walls around Alex's fingers and shaking as her entire body contracted in pleasure. She opened her eyes and breathed in deeply, still thrusting gently and drawing out the feeling as Alex watched her the entire time.

"I missed you today," Alex said, kissing the skin along Olivia's collarbone reverently. Olivia smiled and found her voice.

"I see that," she said and then grinned mischievously. "I have an idea." And she was met with a raised eyebrow. "Let me lie down over here," she said and Alex complied, allowing the brunette room to scoot her head back just next to the armrest on the wide, overstuffed couch. Alex sat next Olivia and sent the grinning brunette a seductive smirk before she whipped her shirt over her head and tossed it aside, enjoying her lover's gaze on her body as she shimmied out of her jeans as well. Underwear hadn't seemed necessary that day, and Olivia had no objections, her mouth hanging open as Alex moved to straddle her.

One languid movement of her hips to grind herself down on Olivia left a smear of her arousal and garnered a brief closing of the detective's eyes and an intake of breath as she realized how turned on Alex was simply from giving her pleasure.

"What was your idea?" Alex asked in a low voice, tossing her hair to the side and leaning in to touch Olivia's lips with her own, and upon gaining access inside, she moved their tongues together, exploring and tasting. Pulling back, Alex opened her eyes and looked into hazy brown. The detective blinked and shook her head the tiniest bit before remembering herself.

"Uh . . ." she hesitated and Alex suppressed the urge to laugh at the woman. Regaining her composure quickly, Olivia grasped Alex's hips and pulled up on them, squirming her body down even further on the couch. "Come up here," she said, smiling all the time.

"Up where?" Alex asked, knowing what Olivia wanted, but wanting more to hear her say it.

"My mouth. I want to taste you."

The brunette seldom disappointed and Alex felt a rush of butterflies down into her stomach and even lower as she moved forward, walking on her knees until she straddled Olivia's head. It was mildly uncomfortable in this position on the couch, but it was far too late to try and move to the bedroom. So she improvised, squishing her leg down into the seat cushion and the back rest and resting her other foot on the floor as her arms supported her on the armrest. Their eyes met as Olivia grasped both of the upper thighs, pulling down until her mouth was inches away from her center, hot and gleaming with arousal from their earlier activities.

At the first contact, Alex knew this wouldn't last long. She might even have to pull back at some point to regain her composure because Olivia's tongue was far too skilled for its own good. And when one of those strong, calloused hands ran up her lower back, staying there, and the other moved up and under and poised to tease at Alex's entrance, the blonde knew she was done for. But Olivia seemed to sense her position at the edge of the cliff, and she craned her neck up and took things slowly.

Her tongue ran down along the sides of her slit, avoiding contact with her clit just yet, but her fingers wasted no time at all. Running them along in the moisture, she made sure they were wet and pushed in and up and curled forward leisurely. Alex groaned and her leg resting on the floor gave out momentarily, moving her hips down and accidentally pressing her center to Olivia's mouth.

"Oh, fuck!" Alex said as Olivia's tongue and mouth closed around her clit. She still went slowly, using broad, flat strokes and her fingers worked in and out at the same time. Alex was losing it quickly and pushed up with her leg, separating herself from the expert mouth that threatened to send her tumbling over the edge. Taking a deep breath as she quivered above Olivia's waiting mouth, the brunette looked up at her, expression full of concern.

"You okay?" she asked and Alex loved her more than ever then, that Olivia was constantly more concerned with her safety and well-being than anything else. Alex nodded, swallowing back the sudden emotion that hit her. "I'm good. Just . . . I'm about to come. Like right now."

Olivia frowned at her and then melted it away into a reassuring and playful smile. She reached up again and pulled Alex down. "Good. I already said I've been wanting to taste you. And now I want your come in my mouth."

Alex shivered. The things this woman could do to her. She complied, relaxing her inhibitions and realizing that it was okay to fall apart, to come hard and fast because that's what they did to each other. No one else could make her feel this way. One of her hands trailed down into Olivia's hair as Alex moved her hips in time with the brunette's tongue. Olivia looked up into blue eyes and Alex was gone. Wave on wave hit her as muscles clenched and her body gave one massive lurch forward, and she would have fallen over onto the floor if not for Olivia's free hand supporting her body. The fingers inside her continued to work, drawing out her pleasure as her mouth slowed down and gave the blonde some reprieve.

And, finally when she had come down from her high, Alex moved back and melted into Olivia's arms as she sat up and rubbed gentle circles over Alex's bare back, kissing her neck and shoulders while Alex caught her breath. Olivia leaned back and rested her hands on the couch behind her, looking at Alex with a bemused expression.

"Maybe I need to leave you alone for the day more often. That was incredible."

Alex let her fingers trace their way from Olivia's neck down in between her breasts to her bellybutton, but she frowned as she did so. "As long as I'm not at home by myself, that's fine with me. I wouldn't mind coming home to you and a wonderful smelling house every now and then too, you know."

At that, Olivia smiled and looked around.

"It does smell incredible in here," Olivia said, leaning forward to give the blonde a quick kiss and she sniffed appreciatively. "You buy a candle or something?"

Alex shook her head, pinching Olivia's side playfully. Olivia squirmed below her. "No. I made cider, thank you very much."

At the detective's raised eyebrows, Alex climbed off and reached across the coffee table, tossing Olivia the t-shirt Alex had been wearing that day, smiling as the brunette tugged it over her head. She pulled Olivia's button down over her shoulders, clasping a couple of the buttons and enjoying that it was a couple of sizes too big for her. Olivia sat up and allowed Alex to help her up and lead them into the kitchen. She pointed to the stove, at the concoction simmering happily in a saucepan. "Wow. You did. Can I have some?"

Alex reached up for a mug from the cabinet and knew the brunette had eyes on the lifted shirt. She turned around and sure enough, Olivia's gaze was settled firmly on her backside, on the exposed portion of skin she had recently covered back up. _Insatiable_, she thought. Smiling suggestively, Alex ladled herself a portion. She set down the spoon and walked past Olivia into the living room. "No. You're insulting and it's all for me."

Olivia grinned and rolled her eyes, grabbing a mug and helping herself to the cider. She switched off the stove as she did so. "I'm sure it's wonderful, Alex. And look!" She pointed at the tree and garlands and untouched boxes of ornaments and lights, noticing them for the first time. "Decorations!"

Alex took a sip of her cider, enjoying its smooth, strong apple taste as it went down and warmed her up. "I thought we could decorate together."

Olivia walked over to stand next to the blonde. She nudged shoulders with Alex, looking at her out of the corner of her eye, "I never really decorated growing up. You'll have to show me how."

Alex frowned at this. Olivia's mother must have been busy either drinking or teaching her classes to worry about something as small and seemingly unimportant as decorating with her only daughter for the holidays. It hurt her heart to hear that, and she vowed to make sure Olivia got to experience all the wonderful things she loved about this time of year.

"Don't look at me like that," Olivia said, looking into Alex's eyes when she was quiet. "I didn't turn out so bad, did I?"

"Of course not," Alex shook her head. "Let's get started."

Olivia nodded, setting her drink down after one more sip and helping Alex to gingerly take the glass ornaments out of their boxes.

An hour and several out of tune holiday song renditions later, the tree was finished and looked wonderful, with twinkling lights and brightly sparkling ornaments all over it, the duo stepped back to admire their work.

"Looks great."

"It does," Alex agreed, wrapping her arm around her detective and leaning in to rest her head on Olivia's shoulder. It was nice to share this with Olivia, starting a new tradition with her felt glowing and hopeful.

"You know, my childhood wasn't all bad."

Alex looked up into shining brown eyes, and she watched as Olivia's thoughts went back in time, to a rare happy spot in her past. She stayed quiet and eventually, the brunette spoke again.

"It only happened once, when I was eleven, I think. But my mom was feeling particularly adventurous and we went walking, got on the subway together and we walked around the corner of this building. It was snowing, and cold, and I remember my feet hurting, but when I got around that corner and looked up, it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. The Christmas tree at Rockefeller, I mean."

She smiled at the memory and Alex found her mouth turning up as well. The brunette's mood was infectious, and suddenly, at the exact moment Alex was about to pull Olivia towards her and kiss her with as much love as she could possibly convey, Olivia turned to her, face lit up like the tree in the corner. _God, she is beautiful,_ Alex thought. _I want spend forever with her._

"Let's go see the tree. And ice skate," she said, her voice rushed and excited. Alex tilted her head and looked down at her watch, it was already getting late.

"Right now?"

"Sure, right now. Why not? The office party's tomorrow night, and we can grab dinner while we're out. Cragen called you about that didn't he?"

Alex nodded. "He did. He said he invited everyone and to bring our own booze."

Olivia smiled. "We can handle that. It'll be interesting to meet Abbie's new girl, don't you think?"

"I was thinking that earlier, and I'll get to meet Casey as well. Has she been better?"

Shrugging, Olivia looked off to the side. "That last case was tough, but I think she's better, yeah."

"Good," Alex said, and Olivia grabbed her hand, pulling her towards the bedroom, presumably to put on warm clothes. She couldn't think of any reason not to go out and the hopeful, child-like expression of Olivia's face was too precious to turn down.

…..

The city lights were dimmed significantly against the gently flurry of snowflakes. It wasn't cold enough yet for them to stick on the sidewalk, but the effect was still magical. They wore their heavy coats, bundled up in scarves and wooly mittens, hats pulled low over their ears. It was much better to be too warm out here than chilly, especially when ice skating.

Before they even turned the corner, the glow from the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Plaza reached them. A few more steps and they walked towards it, so tall it reached up almost like a sky scraper and beamed out like a lighthouse, beckoning holiday lovers and families to take a few turns on the rink below. Alex understood immediately the impression this must have made on a young Olivia, eleven years old and still in wonder of the world. The detective squeezed her hand as they walked closer to it.

There were a number of people about, braving the cold and light snow to do last minute shopping or to see the lights. They already had dinner at one of their favorite diners and as they approached the ice, they could see the crowds were already thinning out, leaving the rink almost empty.

"It's gorgeous out here," Alex commented, relishing in the feeling of the detective's hand in her own. It was gloved, they both were, but it felt good to touch her in some way. Out here in the open, it was freeing, being able to express their love for each other without fear for their safety or their jobs. New York, mostly, was a welcoming place.

"It is."

Cheerful music hit their ears, and Alex turned to watch and listen to a small band set up beneath an awning, playing for a smattering of people. Olivia turned with her, watching with a half-smile.

"Remember back in high school, you were in the band?"

"It wasn't band, Liv. It was orchestra."

"Same thing," Olivia dismissed, and she ignored Alex's pursed lips. "What did you play again?"

"Violin."

"Ah yes, I remember now. And when was the last time you played?"

"High school."

Olivia laughed. "You must have had private lessons, though? That was expensive I bet."

"Of course," Alex said, matter-of-factly. "Yes, yes, I know. It was all for nothing. But I do love classical music. All sorts of music, really. And they say learning to play an instrument makes you smarter."

"Like you needed any extra brains," the brunette poked her good naturedly. "Don't forget, we're going to the philharmonic when it gets warm."

"I can't wait. I'd like to go to something sooner, though. Another date like this."

"Other dates aren't like this, Alex."

"You know what I mean. Like at Carnegie Hall or something. Hell, I wouldn't mind a Broadway show."

"Broadway? Really?" Olivia pulled a face.

"Come on. It'll be fun."

Olivia sighed, reluctant to be dragged to things like that, but Alex knew she'd do it, anytime for her.

"So that's what you want for Christmas?"

"Sure," Alex said. And Olivia smiled, missing completely the slightly crushed look that passed over the blonde's face. Alex thought with all her heart that this was the night, that Olivia would step up and take their relationship one step further. It was the perfect setting, the perfect mood to ask.

And Alex was ready to say yes, was ready to hop on a plane or a train to Vermont, sign the papers and come back home. After all, New York City, since 1997, allowed domestic partnerships and since 2002, accepted civil unions from other states. It was what she wanted more than anything, to be tied to Olivia in more than just a commitment, she wanted it legal.

Sure, marriage would be better, but the world wasn't ready for that yet, wasn't ready to afford same sex couples the same rights as everyone else. So, a civil union out of state or even a domestic partnership in the city was better than nothing. Alex wanted things to be taken care of if something happened to her, or if something happened to Olivia. She couldn't imagine Olivia being in the hospital and being denied the right to see this woman and care for her if it came down to that. She didn't have rings or anything like that, didn't know if Olivia did either. But that wasn't the most important thing. She didn't need a ring to prove their love for each other. Making it legal, however, was a start.

But apparently Olivia was not thinking along the same lines. Apparently this was just another date to her, just another Christmas. Alex didn't know for sure, but she was tired of waiting. And then a thought struck her. How long had they been together now? It had only been a few weeks. She hadn't even thought about that.

Perhaps that was why Olivia hadn't asked. Maybe it was too soon. But she figured she'd ask anyway.

They picked up their skates and skirted past a few laughing groups of teenagers to a small cart selling coffee and chocolate. Alex picked up two cafe mochas, exchanging them for a few folded bills, thanked the barista, and handed one of the piping hot beverages to Olivia.

"Thanks," Olivia said, taking off the lid and sipping the foam off the top. A bit of it lingered on her lip and she smiled, leaning over to Alex and pressing their lips together. Alex held her drink to the side, not wanting it to spill all over them as she kissed the detective back, tasting the steamed milk and making sure no remnants of it remained on the brunette's lips.

"Mmmm," Olivia said, pulling away and replacing the drink's lid. They left their drinks on the rail and put on the skates, lacing them up quickly with numb fingers to hurry and get on the ice.

It was magical, getting to skate together again, similar to the way they had in Colorado. But this was a little different, it was still cold, yes, but now they were surrounded by buildings, at home in the city and it felt wonderful. After having practiced in their time away from the East Coast, they both skated better, smoothly and side-by-side. There were only a few other people on the rink and after a few laps around, they took a break, pausing by their coffees to warm back up.

Alex set her cup down, it was getting colder by the minute and she slid up close to Olivia. A second coffee cup joined the first and the brunette's warmth surrounded her.

"I love you," Alex said, her breath coming out in a puff of steam. Olivia grinned broadly and tilted her head to the side, studying the blue eyes in front of her. "I love you too."

"Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?"

The smile never left Olivia's face. If anything, it grew wider. She reached down and took Alex's hand in her own, squeezing it tightly. "Of course I do. I can't imagine life without you."

"Good. Me neither."

"What brought that on?" Olivia asked, quirking an eyebrow. Alex shrugged. "Nothing, really. I was just wondering when you would ask me to be your domestic partner or get a civil union."

Dark brows furrowed right away, but the smile remained on Olivia's face. "Civil union?" she said dubiously. "First your mother wants grandchildren, and now we're tying the knot?"

Alex grinned. "Well technically, it's not tying the knot. We can't actually get married. But we could get a civil union in Vermont and have our rights recognized in New York City."

"Really?" Olivia asked.

"Yes, really." Alex's face remained serious and once Olivia realized that, her smile faded from her face.

"Well, Alex . . ." she hesitated, searching for the right words. "While that was oddly romantic, you asking me and everything, I do think it's a little early."

"But hasn't it felt like we've been together for years and years?"

"Sort of," Olivia said. "But it also feels like I just got you back, like I'm getting to know you all over again, because we've grown up and are completely different people from high school and college."

"That's true," Alex conceded. "But what if something happens to you and they won't let me in the hospital room?"

A quiet, sarcastic laugh escaped Olivia's mouth. "You're worried about that?" she asked. Alex scowled at her. There was always the possibility that something bad might happen in her line of work, but Olivia shook her head.

"That's not what I meant. Something might happen to me, yes. But I'm not worried a bit about them letting you into the hospital room. You're Alexandra Cabot. You don't take no for an answer."

Alex glanced down at their skates, still slipping every now and then on the scraped up ice. "It looks like I'm taking no for an answer right now."

Olivia reached out, capturing Alex's chin with her gloved hand and lifted until the blue eyes met her own. "I'm not saying no, Alex. I just . . . I want to wait for the right time."

Alex still wasn't satisfied. "What if the right time never comes? What if we wait too long?"

"Alex," Olivia said, pulling the blonde close, she touched Alex's chilly lips with her own, pulled back and opened her eyes, looking deep into clear blue.

"I want to marry you. I don't want to just be in a civil union, although that's great and everything. I want rights the same as everyone else, the same as Elliot and Kathy, you know?"

The blonde smiled, her eyes watering just a little.

"So that's the real reason," she said. And Olivia nodded slowly, a little guiltily.

"You could have said that from the beginning."

The broad shoulders shrugged. "I don't know. Are you okay with it?"

"With marrying you? God, yes."

Olivia laughed and shook her head. "I meant waiting. But what if it takes a long time? What if it is too late, like you said?"

Alex smiled. "You can always change your mind."

"Very true."

"So . . ." Alex started and Olivia held out a finger right away, placing it gently on the cold, red lips. "If you're going to say something about children again, just stop right there."

Laughing together, Alex pushed Olivia's shoulder gently, making her slip backwards and nearly fall on her backside. She steadied herself on the rail, her other hand reaching out for the blonde, who held her arm as she regained her footing.

"I'm kidding, of course. But again, it's too early for that, don't you think?"

Alex nodded, her eyes twinkling mischievously. "So," she started again. "The question is, then, which of us would bear the children?"

And simultaneously, they both looked down at their own bellies. And laughing, they looked back up each other and smiled like mad. Alex knew there would come a point when they would both want children, wouldn't be able to live without having a couple, but that time hadn't yet come. She didn't want to have them just to have them; she wanted to be ready, wanted to give them a good life, a good world to live in when they grew up.

"We could adopt?" Alex said optimistically, hopefully. The dark head nodded. "We could. But there's plenty of time to think and talk about it."

"Liv, we're not getting any younger."

"I know," Olivia said, leaning in again and pressing their lips together. It felt wonderful to kiss her, even if it was freezing and their lips were getting chapped. "I want to enjoy life with you first without children while we still have the energy for it."

"You're talking about sex aren't you?" Alex asked, winking at her and nodding knowingly.

"You went there," Olivia joked, shaking a finger at the blonde. "Not me."

"I did," Alex agreed. She wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck, tired finally of their date-night exertions and ready to be in bed, warm and sated and cuddled up with her detective. "Take me home then."

* * *

><p><em><strong>December 24, 2003 – Olivia<strong>_

The ghost of Christmas Present had thrown up in the bullpen. There was spirit everywhere, even more festive than she last saw it the day before. There were lights strewn about, ornament-heavy trees in every corner and even a dancing Santa Clause that looked oddly like Captain Cragen but with more hair. A warm hand closed around her fingers, squeezing gently as they walked into the room together. Mostly everyone was already there, drinks in hand, standing around or sitting on desks as was the norm at the 1-6.

"Did ya'll find the mistletoe?" A rasping drawl mocked them from off to their right. Abbie waved them over, one hand gesturing with a red plastic cup filled with god only knew what concoction, and the other wrapped tightly around a curvy, platinum blonde with full lips and eyes icy like the Atlantic in February.

"I figured all I had to do was look for you, Carmichael, and I'd find you with your lips wrapped around something or other. Not necessarily human." Olivia joked and paused, sending a friendly smile to the blonde. "But you seem to have found yourself someone worth dragging under the mistletoe."

She extended her hand and the woman took it, shaking it firmly. "Olivia Benson," she said and she turned to Alex. "And this is . . ." But the woman cut her off.

"Alex Cabot. I know." She stood up and grabbed Alex by the arm, eyes wide and eager. "Serena Southerlyn. It's nice to finally meet you."

"Likewise," Alex started, hesitating, looking slightly alarmed that Serena had moved to her side quickly, pulling her towards the refreshments table, which happened to be Elliot's desk ridden with an assortment of liquor bottles, various mixers, and a small cooler of other drinks. Not to mention the two bowls of eggnog, one of which Olivia assumed was laden with alcohol.

"Listen," she started. "I really enjoyed your guest spot in the Times about the new stalking statute . . . but here's the thing . . ." And their voices trailed off while the two brunettes, mouths slightly agape, watched their girlfriends abandon them completely, already deep in discussion.

"Well," Abbie said slowly. "That didn't take long."

Olivia shook her head disbelievingly.

"I have to admit though," Abbie grinned. "I sort of knew that was gonna happen."

"Did you?"

Abbie nodded, her long dark hair bouncing. "They're alike, those two. Passionate, stubborn as hell, always working for the greater good, that type of thing."

Olivia bit the inside of her lip thoughtfully. "I guess you and I have the same type."

Abbie glanced at her briefly and then over at the two blondes. "I guess so."

"So . . . how's life in the fed?"

They lawyer smiled, took a sip of her drink and shrugged. "It's good. Never a dull moment, that's for sure. Sort of like life in SVU, I guess. Speaking of, how's your new ADA?"

Olivia's eyes scanned the room. "She's better. First case wasn't easy, but . . ."

"Was it a kid?" Abbie asked, dark eyes knowing. Olivia nodded.

"Those are the worst. But if she can make it through that, she can handle anything."

"I think so, too. Where is she, by the way?"

Abbie followed Olivia's gaze around the room. "Not here yet, I guess . . ." And after a moment, "Oh wait, is that her?"

Olivia nodded, calling out for the redhead, who had arrived by herself and looked a little like a lost puppy. And after Casey and Abbie had been introduced, Olivia left the duo to chat about the homicide unit, of which they were both a part, and made her way to the rest of the party, greeting Munch and Fin, who waved at her, but largely ignored her as they were in a heated discussion about the best holiday movie of all time.

Elliot and Kathy sat with Cragen, who wore a red santa hat and had his hand wrapped around what she assumed was the nonalcoholic eggnog.

"Merry Christmas, Liv." Kathy said, tilting her glass to the detective. Olivia could only smile and say Merry Christmas back, with no drink in her hand to raise.

"I seem to have been robbed of my date and left drink-less," Olivia grinned.

Elliot sat still for a moment, watching Alex and Serena chatting away over by his desk. And after an under the table kick from his wife got his attention, Elliot jumped up and headed for the table, slapping Olivia heartily on the shoulder as he passed. She took his seat, laughing at her partner's cluelessness.

"Glad you two could make it," Cragen said, his eyes twinkling. The brown eyes turned quickly to the corner, where the heated argument between Munch and Fin was escalating to a shouting match. "I better go break this up. Children," he said under his breath, shaking his head as he went.

Kathy looked at her. "Hey," she said with a smile, and Olivia returned it. "Hey."

Her face must have immediately given her away.

"Problems already in paradise?" she leaned in and Olivia gave a sigh. Kathy, out of anyone would know what the best advice for her situation was.

"Not a problem, necessarily, but . . ." Olivia hesitated.

"You can talk to me, Liv. I won't tell Elliot." The brunette smiled and looked over at her partner, now caught up between the two blonde lawyers; he seemed to be receiving the butt-end of several consecutive jokes. His arms crossed in front of his chest, trying to scowl at the cackling woman. He was failing miserably. Turning back to Kathy, Olivia should have known she'd immediately see there was a problem, being a mother four times over and married to the king of men who try to hide their emotions.

"Alex wants to take things further."

"And you're not ready for that?" Kathy studied her face, watched her expression scrunch up from over processing as she shook her head. "It's not that. I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with her. It's just . . ."

Kathy waited patiently.

"Kathy, I want what you and Elliot have."

She raised an eyebrow. "Careful what you wish for. We're not the picture perfect couple." Olivia shook her head. "Of course you have problems. Everyone does. But that's not what I meant."

"Oh," Kathy said, "You just meant the marriage part."

The brunette nodded. "Am I being selfish for that? She'd be satisfied for now with a civil union. But to me . . . it's like separate but equal."

"And it's not even equal." Kathy agreed.

"Right. I feel like I'm accepting what politicians are giving us like we're children being allowed special privileges. When it should be a right."

"I see what you mean," Kathy said. "In that case, no, I don't think you're being selfish."

"She's just stubborn about it, you know?"

"Oh, I know. I've got one of my own, plus his mule-headed offspring."

"But if something does happen to me . . . then what?"

Kathy shrugged, eyes sympathetic. "I don't know the answer to that, Liv. You and Alex will have to work that out."

"You're right."

"Right about what?" A gruff voice asked, and both women turned around. "Nothing," Kathy said and Elliot shrugged, knowing when to let it go.

…..

An hour or so passed and their supply of drinks grew steadily less and less.

"Oh you think you can take me, huh?!"

A chair slid back and hit the floor with a loud crash. Olivia, Kathy and Elliot looked over at the scene developing. There was already a small crowd around them, Abbie and Casey were face to face, staring each other down over . . . who knew what.

Olivia stood up and started to head between them, ready to break up a fight if she needed to, although she didn't know how something could have happened so quickly between these two who had only recently met and seemed five minutes before to be getting along well. But then she saw Casey cross her arms and smirk as Abbie rolled her eyes and pointed at Alex.

"Ask Alex. Go on, ask her."

Casey looked over at Alex, who, holding her drink and lopsided grin on her face. She shrugged and nodded reluctantly at the skeptical red-head. "It's true. She's pretty good."

And then Olivia was significantly more interested in what was going on. She moved closer, eyes on Alex and Abbie as they nodded at each other.

"There's no way you're better than me. Did you play ball in college?" Casey asked after a sip of her eggnog. Abbie shook her head.

"Ran track, actually. But I did play intramurals." Casey looked mildly impressed, but recovered quickly.

"So did I."

"And did ya'll win the regional intramural championship?"

Casey rolled her eyes. "Well, no. But . . ."

But Abbie cut her off. "Exactly. Better."

"Now, Abbie," Serena said, butting in for the first time. She looked ready to put a stop to the altercation, as good-natured as it was turning out to be. Abbie was quickly getting pretty drunk, and it looked like Casey might have been as well. Hell, the entire party was getting wild. It seemed like she and Cragen were the only ones still sober.

"No, no. Babe, you're beautiful and smart as hell, but I'm so right on this one. I'd kick her ass in softball."

Serena rolled her eyes and sat back down on the desk, glancing with a frown over at Alex, who was doubled over now, her drink splashing out over her cup and dripping in a small puddle on the floor.

"We'll just have to see, won't we? You get yourself a team together, call yourselves the feisty federales or something like that and sex crimes will take you on any day," Casey said confidently.

Abbie burst out laughing and shook her head. "Girl, you don't know what you're talking about! You work with a bunch of pansy-asses!"

A disgruntled and offended cry of protest sounded around the room. They were in the presence of every detective of the 1-6. But Abbie was right. They were terrible at softball. Usually didn't even try putting a team together.

"That's ridiculous. These people are athletes!" Casey looked around and her eyes fell on Munch and Cragen. She looked back at Abbie. "Mostly."

Again, there were shouts of protest and Casey laughed along with the rest of them, realizing that maybe Abbie was right. Olivia moved to sit down next to the miffed detective and their captain, content now with sitting back and watching.

Elliot dragged his feet along the floor as Alex and Abbie grabbed each of his hands, pulling him to the center of the floor. They all lined up, all four lawyers and Kathy had even joined in, shoulder to shoulder to perform songs for the rest of the group. Munch and Fin pointed and laughed at Elliot, but the helpless detective was unable to escape and had to earn his keep, contributing his deeper voice to the rest of the choir. They started with Frosty the Snowman and the Dreidel song for Munch and then Twelve Days of Christmas and progressed to Silent Night. Horribly off-key and out of tempo with one another, they continued singing into the second verse, which none of them seemed to know. When Casey and Alex started crying together at how beautiful it sounded, Olivia knew it was probably time to call it a night.

Cragen promised to make sure Casey got home safely and Olivia convinced Alex finally that she'd had plenty of eggnog, and that no, it wouldn't go to waste. And that yes, Elliot and Kathy and Abbie and Serena would be just fine getting home in their taxi. They said goodbye to everyone and Olivia hailed a cab just outside the station and they climbed inside, Alex leaning her head on Olivia's shoulder as they bumped along the city streets first to Penn Station for a quick errand and then back towards Central Park.

…

Back at the apartment, Alex obediently drank two large glasses of water and brushed her teeth before climbing into bed and falling asleep almost immediately. Olivia made sure the doors were locked and her weapon and cell phone were on the bedside table, within easy reach.

She reached under a pile of her clothes and pulled out a small envelope from where she'd hidden it. Walking back into the living room, she placed it under the tree. It would be the perfect Christmas present. Alex didn't even know where they were or what they were doing when she spent all of five minutes waiting for Olivia outside Penn Station. Exactly what Alex wanted, and if she was honest with herself, it was what she wanted as well.

Tickets for a trip the next weekend, after Alex was all settled into her new job at the U.S. Attorney's office, on the train up to Vermont. They would enjoy the sights, cuddle up together in a sleeper car, sign their papers and be back late Sunday night. A civil union was better than nothing, Alex was right about that. And another adventure out of state would be fun, only this time it would be of their own accord.

Soon, hopefully very soon, she'd be able to marry Alex. Really marry her, just like everyone else. But until then, she couldn't wait to make things as official as they could. She switched off the lights and shut the bedroom door.

As she settled into bed, Alex, in her state of semi-consciousness, reached for her and snuggled in close. She pulled Olivia's arms around her and pulled the detective's front to her back, making herself the little spoon. It was warm in Alex's arms and everything felt right. This was where she was meant to be.

…

_A/N – next and last chapter (epilogue) is pretty much finished. I'll post it tomorrow._

_also: no idea if Penn Station is open on Christmas eve to sell Amtrak tickets. We'll just pretend like they are. _


	40. Chapter 40

_Epilogue June, 2011 (almost 8 years later)_

* * *

><p>It was almost the end of June and the weather in the late evenings was perfect. The philharmonic orchestra was playing, and Alex knew Olivia didn't much like that sort of thing. She was more of a movie at home, Chinese takeout or pizza kind of girl. But there they were, seated on the lawn well away from the stage, and they could hear it perfectly anyway. Their hands intertwined and Alex was still amazed at how wonderful this woman could make her feel. Olivia's arm slipped around her and she snuggled close, content to be this near to her. Hell, she would have been content if they were sitting at home on the couch, wrapped up in each other with a movie.<p>

The music was beautiful and Alex's heart soared along with it. There was nothing in the world, surely, that could be any better. The notes and crescendos swelled inside her and she wanted it to go on and on but the music, after a while, finally stopped and people were standing up, shaking out their blankets and scattering all different directions on the lawn. The grass beneath them grew cooler as the sun gave its last winks behind the skyscrapers to the west. Still seated, but gathering up their belongings, Olivia leaned over and whispered in her ear. Her voice tickled Alex's ear and she couldn't suppress the goosebumps from forming on her neck. "I want to show you something."

Olivia reached down and helped Alex up, and they began walking, skirting around still lounging families and couples and made their way hand-in-hand away from the great lawn. Winding through the darkening paths, they continued their journey, ducking under low-lying branches and stepping off the sidewalk towards Alex's favorite spot near The Lake outside her apartment. It was a quaint grove of trees, not twenty feet from the street with a small clearing in the middle. Central Park really was an incredible piece of man-made nature slapped directly in the middle of the most populous island and city in the United States.

Fairy lights that weren't normally there twinkled merrily in the trees and Alex shivered slightly as a cool breeze rolled past the branches. People walked by on the path, laughing and enjoying themselves and their voices faded away into the growing darkness. Olivia let go of her and stepped towards a tree just off to the side; she looked around briefly before pulling out a pocket knife and reaching out to carve something into the bark. Alex took a step towards her to get a closer look. She made a disbelieving sound from her throat.

"What are you doing!?" Alex cried, eyes wide as she watched Olivia. "You're destructing city property, Liv! You work for the city!"

Olivia shushed her and continued to work, brows furrowed with concentration, wanting to make the letters just right. Over her shoulder, Alex could just make out the outline of a cheesy looking heart with an arrow through it. Olivia pried at the wood, eventually digging out both their initials inside the heart. She jumped every now and again at noises in the trees, worried that someone would walk into this 'crime scene', but no one came. Alex stood nearby, arms crossed and frowning disapprovingly at the brunette. Olivia turned after a moment and held her hand out to Alex, presenting the blonde with the medium-sized knife.

"Here, finish this heart for me. I need to grab my smaller pocketknife to finish it all off."

The blonde took a step backward.

"Liv, no! I'm not going to be the one arrested for vandalism if a mounted policeman gallops by."

"Please, Alex?"

"No way." The blonde had closed her arms tighter around her body and leaned back against a nearby tree, absolutely refusing to contribute to the act.

"Okay. Fine," Olivia huffed as she turned back to the tree and dug another chunk out of the wood. "Then reach in my right jacket pocket and grab it for me, would you?"

Alex rolled her eyes and complied, stepping behind the detective and pressing their bodies together. Olivia stopped what she was doing and Alex knew her eyes were closed at the contact. She reached her hand around and slipped it slowly into Olivia's pocket, her hand hitting first a box and then continuing to feel around for a smaller pocketknife. "I'm not finding any pocketknives, Liv."

"Keep searching. You'll find it." And Alex was quiet again, her hand moving around more forcefully inside the pocket.

"Still not finding it."

"Alex Cabot. You are impossible. Just pull out the damn box."

Alex frowned at Olivia's frustrated tone and stepped back as she extracted the velvety box from the brunette's pocket, squinting at it in the dim light. Olivia turned around and closed her pocket knife, having finished with her carving. Alex looked up at her, the realization of what might be inside the box finally hitting her.

Olivia ran a hand through her hair, which was a little longer now and still suited her. She had aged beautifully, even with the stress and pressures of her demanding job. And now she looked nervous, hands shoved into her pockets as she watched Alex intently and with a nervous smile. She still held the velvety box in her hand and looked back down at it.

"Open it," Olivia encouraged her. Alex's mouth was now open and she couldn't think of anything to say. Olivia still did that to her, still rendered her speechless, vast vocabulary be damned. She held the box with one hand and lifted the sturdy lid with the other. Inside, there were two complementing rings, two gorgeous platinum rings with different patterns etched into the thin bands. Not flashy or bulky, just simple. Beautiful.

Olivia reached out and grasped one, the platinum carved into tiny rivets that looked like a thousand crushed and fiery-gleaming diamonds all around the band.

"Alex," Olivia started, and Alex knew right away by her shaky voice and watery eyes that she must have prepared extensively for this moment. The concert in the park and the rings and the fairy lights and picking out the perfect stupid tree to carve their names into. It was in the direct line of sight from her apartment and they would be able to look at their carving forever. This damned woman.

"We've been through so much. Thick and thin, good times, bad times . . . to death and back," Olivia said with a cynical smile. And Alex's mouth hung open. She couldn't believe it. Of course, she had hoped this would happen someday, that she would figure out a perfect time and place to ask the detective herself, knowing that the legislation was about to pass making this all legal in New York, but it just hadn't happened yet. And now the moment was in front of her, staring her in the face in the form of a hopeful-looking brunette with two incredibly perfect rings.

"Liv," she started, but Olivia shook her head. She'd prepared extensively, Alex remembered and let her finish. "To death and back," she repeated. "And now, I choose _life_ with you. The rest of our lives. If you'll have me. Alex . . . marry me."

Tears streamed uncontrollably down Alex's face as the words left Olivia's lips. She nodded, stepping forward and drawing Olivia close, pulling her face forward until their mouths met. Gently, they kissed and Alex could feel their tears mingling. She broke away, laughing and crying at the same time.

"What have you done to me?" Alex asked softly, looking into the brown eyes she'd grown so accustomed to seeing every day. How close they had been to losing each other. She realized she needed to be more grateful for this woman. Every day, she would be thankful to have Olivia in her life.

"I have no idea," Olivia said truthfully, smiling through her tears. "So is that a yes?" she asked, still wary that she didn't have a clear answer.

Alex nodded. "Of course it's a yes, you wonderful, incredible woman."

Olivia smiled, pressing their lips together again for a brief moment. She pulled back and reached for a soft hand. Sliding the perfectly fitted ring onto Alex's finger, holding her hand lightly, the weight of it nothing against the relief Alex finally felt. She had been waiting and hoping for this moment for what seemed like forever. After their trip to Vermont and civil union, the couple was married in every sense but for the name, and also for federal taxes, social security, and Alex's federal employee benefits. But now they would be officially married, officially a couple in the eyes of the law, and perhaps the federal benefits would come along later.

Alex took the box from the brunette and extracted the other ring. It was similar, but the carvings were sharp and diagonal, cascading around the ring to look like a flowing fountain of ice. It fit onto Olivia's finger as perfectly as her own had. "You didn't let me pay for your ring," Alex said, frowning petulantly at the detective.

Olivia shook her head, rolling her eyes the slightest bit. "I'm living in your multi-million dollar apartment, and you even let me drive your brand new Mercedes every now and then. I think it's fair that I bought the rings."

Shrugging, Alex sniffed and gave a still-watery smile. "Fine. But I'm paying for the wedding."

Olivia laughed. "Damn right you are."

Shaking her head at the impossible woman whom she couldn't wait to begin 'officially' spending the rest of her life with, Alex grasped both of Olivia's hands, pulling them towards her hips and placing them around her waist. Olivia complied, staring into the blue eyes lovingly.

"Big wedding or small wedding?"

"Small," Olivia answered with a slight nod. "Just the most important people are invited."

Alex grinned, the plans and flowers and what they would wear already flowing easily through her mind. "I agree. My mother and Cragen and Elliot and all of his family, and John and Fin and Casey and Abbie and Serena, of course. And don't forget about Sergeant Smythe on your side and my college roommates and yours too. And what about our old high school basketball team. . ."

Olivia had already started laughing, and she leaned in and pressed her mouth to Alex's, effectively silencing the rambling woman. "You're going overboard."

Alex opened her eyes after the kiss and smiled sheepishly. "Oops."

"We'll figure it out."

Alex nodded, a satisfied expression washing over her features, but her brows furrowed once more. "My mother is still hounding me about kids, by the way."

"Alex, if we have kids, I want it to be because _we_ want to, not because your mother wants it."

The blues eyes glanced down briefly. "I do want kids. Don't you?"

Olivia grinned, squeezing the blonde to her tightly. "I do. I love kids. And I can't wait to have them with you."

"I love you so much," Alex said. And Olivia closed her eyes briefly, knowing fully how much Alex still adored hearing these words. She did too. She wasn't sure if she'd ever get enough of it. "I love you too."

"You think we'll make it? Lots of couples end up getting divorced you know. Or killing each other."

Olivia laughed, releasing the blonde's waist and taking her by the hand. They took one last look at the carved tree and began walking back up the path towards the apartment.

"We'll be just fine. If I really wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already," Olivia said, voice full of teasing.

Alex nodded. "Likewise."

"We'll make it, Alex. You and Me. Forever," she said simply.

The End.

* * *

><p><em>AN – of course, this takes place right after june 24, 2011 when New York passed the bill legalizing gay marriage. So, there you go. It's been a wonderful ride and I want to thank all of you for reading and especially for sticking with the story as it progressed over the course of almost two years. And of course thanks to those of you who faithfully reviewed and sent me your thoughts. I really have appreciated it and hope you continue to read my stories. I'll be finishing Last year and I've got a pretty badass idea for my next OA fic. It involves a motorcycle and Mexican drug cartels. _


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